Reader help for pregnancy qualms

Heather writes:

"During your Christmas to New Years open thread I tossed out a little whimper of an "OMG, I'm pregnant" and got a few very nice responses for which I am grateful. In the last year I have gotten engaged and married, quit one job, moved 800 miles away from my family, didn't work for awhile, got a GREAT, CRAZY, HUGE job which I love{!!!} and am only just now figuring out how to do. So … there has been a lot of change. I'm still not really dealing with the fact that I am pregnant very well. Still, I'm eating right, taking the vitamins & fish oil, went to the doctor yesterday and saw the heartbeat {I broke into heartbroken tears, and now feel bad that this magical moment just felt … ugh … awful} and asked the doctor for help finding a therapist {because BOY HOWDY do I need one apparently}.

So, first, thank you for saying at some point awhile back that it was ok to find a therapist because that helped me find the guts to do it. Second, right now I am trapped in the things that are changing and going away {perhaps, I recognize, being a little overly dramatic about those things even} and I know that I don't understand the good things that it will be replaced by. Can you and the lovely ladies in the computer articulate the good stuff and help a woman find her way out of the dark?"

Boy have I been there.

Not with the job I love and marriage and move all happening at the same time. But with the "What have I done??" and "My life has hardly even begun--how can I have a baby now?"

Personally, I think it's counterproductive to try to force yourself to think it's all normal and happy and the best thing that'll ever happen to you. Being uncomfortable with the change and transition, now that's normal. I think it's important to let yourself mourn your old life, and to explore the fears you're feeling, and to know that it's not all going to be great right away and that it will take a lot of time and energy and lost sleep to get to the new normal. But that the new normal is thousands of shades richer than the one you have now. The highs are higher and the lows are lower.

I could go on about this for pages, but I think it's better just to turn it over to the commenters, who will do a better job in fewer words. Please work your magic, friends.

Comments

[SarcastiCarrie]

Well, since you're looking for the rosy side.... I have never had the intense love for anyone that I have for my son. He lightens me. He makes it all worth while. When I do anything, I am doing it for him. My life has purpose. And by gosh if he isn't the cutest, funniest, most amazing person (who is a combo of my husband and me). Oh, and did I mention that I am WOWED by the things he says and does? He's learning about the world and making the most amazing and obvious statements (like "Mommy, there is hair in your nose."). Watching myself become someone who would risk her own life to save that of her son (if it ever came to that) is pretty amazing.

Disclaimer: These feelings take time to develop and you most likely will not feel like this for the first 18-months (some of it but not quite this much) and that is normal.

[Susan]

I definitely understand and sympathize with you, Heather. I had a little more time, but within a year I moved five states away from all my friends and family, had a new job, lost our dog and was pregnant. It was overwhelming. BUT I LOVED being pregnant. The heartbeat is a great first thing to cling to - happy and awe-inspiring. You'll start to feel your little one soon and that is just indescribable. Now, here with a 6 month old, I am grateful for every day I have with her. She is amazing and worth every emotional day I had. The hardest was being so far from family and friends (and still is the hardest part) but the end result is by far worth it!

For the job you love - I have to work full time in a job I don't necessarily love - and it's doable. If you love it, you'll figure out how to balance it all. It is tough and you find new depths of strength, patience and wisdom, but it is all possible. Just be patient with yourself and cut yourself some slack every once in awhile and you'll be fine!

Best to you - Susan

[Amie]

Heather, I wasn't exactly in your situation, but I was always ambivalent to negative about the idea of having children, until I married for the second time and I felt it was something my husband really wanted. I still didn't go into it wholeheartedly...I was 43 and have a demanding stressful career. But I can tell you that my son has brought a richness and meaning to my life that I didn't have before. There's no way to describe the power of the feeling that I have for him. He has brought my husband and me closer over the joy of watching him develop his own personality and grow. I used to lie in bed pregnant, wondering how I was ever going to be able to manage, and he's all worth it. Best wishes.

[Shelley]

Pardon me for shouting, but ANYONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE AMBIVIALENT FEELINGS ABOUT BECOMING A PARENT ISN'T BEING REALISTIC. So although I was in a different place when I got pg with my daughter, was trying really hard to conceive and was absolutely thrilled, I also felt fear, freak-out and all sorts of negative feelings. I also got my job, which like you I love, when I was 7 weeks along. Yeah, it's a lot of change. Yeah, you can do it. And OH YEAH, it's worth it. There will be moments that suck more than anything you can possibly imagine, but the moments that are wonderful are beyond sublime. The sublime moments may not come right away, but boy, do they come. People right and left are telling you this, I'm sure, and it's easy to understand this intellectually -- but when you get there, you'll say, *now I really get it*. You will get it, too. I've never been surer of anything in my life.

[Christiana]

OMG, I planned and tried for my baby and had a major freak out (or 3) about how many changes were going on in my life (and I wasn't dealing with nearly as much as you seem to be), so please remember that you're totally normal to need some hand-holding/counseling/venting whatever. And the closer I get, the more the emotions fluxuate between being completely excited and totally scared. Let yourself deal with the changes - that's part of the reason it takes 9 months to bake a baby.

[Kristen]

Heather-

I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I am going through my own kind of craziness having found out that we are pregnant again when our first was only 5 months old. Meanwhile, I had just started a new, really intense job, and would have to leave early because of the new baby. AAAAHHH! Luckily, I have the benefit of knowing that along with feeling like I have lost control of my life, my daughter truly is the light of my life.

Now, I have to be honest, I didn't feel like this right after I had Annie. The first few months are like a dirty secret, they are so hard, everyone wonders why they did this, and then everyone forgets they ever happened. But, right around month 4 things really started to come together.

Now, I look at Annie (and at my belly) and feel grateful for the fact that my husband and I were able to create something so incredible. We made her! This amazing thing that smiles and coos and reaches for her toes, we did that! It was our love for each other that brought her into the world. Annie has brought my husband and I closer together and has made each of us, in our own ways, better people.

I think there will always be moments when I wish that it was sunday, and it was just the two of us, and it was 11 am, and we were still in bed.... sigh... but alas, that is not the case. And, instead we get to watch Annie learn how to live, which really is amazing. And, as much as I was not thrilled about having another baby, I mean, I just finished that, c'mon!! I know the new baby will bring us just as much joy.

And, in the end, you will love that baby more than anything else in the whole world!

-Kristen

Oh, and p.s., not everyone LOVES being pregnant. I hated every second, and continue to hate it this time around. Don't feel guilty about that and just grin and bear it when people say it. Its ok to hate being pregnant.

[jayhawk]

Wow, do I feel for you... I felt that pressure to be all rosy and glowy and happy and round and... you know, all of that magical stuff that you're supposed to feel. I didn't feel any of it. I did not enjoy pregnancy, and every day I kept thinking "What have a I gotten myself into? I can't do this."

I know it is trite to say it, but once your child is here, and you go in just a few seconds from you to you and a baby, the world does just kid of change. Being a parent is the most terrifying, strange, amazing and beautiful thing I've ever done. My son is really and truly a light in dark days.

I guess what I'm saying (in my rambling way) is that you don't have to love the experience, but the results will blow your mind each and every day. The fear doesn't go away, but it is tempered with a love that you can't imagine you were capable of.

Best of luck to you!

[marsupial jones]

I agree whole-heartedly withe the above comments. As a therapist, I highly recommend therapy, especially with a therapist who is a woman who has had children. That match would be very helpful, as long as she doesn't interject too much of her own experience but is instead caring and understanding from the inside.

I think it's really important to be kind to yourself through the pregnancy and birth and parenting. It's easy to tell yourself (and hear from others as Shelley said) that you're not doing or feeling it the way you're supposed to. If you didn't feel afraid or ambivalent, you wouldn't be paying attention. You clearly have a sense of how your life will change. Really, there isn't a way to really "get" that until it happens I don't think. But know that as the experience moves and changes and morphs, you too will change and morph and grow. That growth is one of things that makes parenting amazing. It's important to let go of the idea that we can control any of it really: our feelings, our kids' personalities etc etc. Once you get out of the way and ride it like waves on an ocean, it's a little easier. That's all very easy to say, I know!

It is an amazing experience. And like any relationship, sometimes it is trying and maddening. But certainly the joys are innumerable and indescribable. My son is sick right now and I have found immense joy in being able to soothe him and be the vehicle for barf and snot and late night walks. This is something I had not anticipated. The selflessness that comes is inspiring. Maybe that's not selfless. I don't know. I know it's been moving for me and this surprised me.

Check out "Momma Zen" by Karen Maezen Miller. It is a wonderful book that helps me take myself less seriously. You might want to wait until you're closer to birth or after. "The Tao of Poop" is also an excellent book. I read it many times right after my son's birth.

Know, too, that many many woman are with you always. We are all connected through generations and womanhood and motherhood. We are up with you worrying while you are pregnant and new with a baby. We are with you through the joys and pains. I hope that helps some.

Best!

[Kristin]

Heather -

A few points that I hope will be helpful...

It's OK to feel ambivalent. Scared. Angry. Etc.

The intense love that somebody up there mentioned? Oh, yeah. Major payoff. The times when my Boy makes me cackle out loud, or the hours when I could just sit there and LOOK at him, or the moments when it blows my mind to see how he's learning and growing ...it's hard to describe, and I'm not nearly a good enough poet. But also - don't go beating yourself up if that love takes a while to grow into...or if it alternates with moments when you want to put BOTH your heads through a brick wall. Those are the moments to take a deep breath and ask for some help, and know that you're NORMAL for feeling that way...and...

It gets better. Really. It's normal to have moments when you think, "I can't do this." But then realize this: you ARE doing it. Every moment that goes by is a moment that you did it, you made it. Baby doesn't need you to be perfect.

Hang in there, and keep dropping in when you can.

[lucybelle]

My husband and I were trying for a little while before I got pregnant, so when I was, I couldn't figure out why I felt sad. I was 36 at the time (if not now, then when?), and we had moved cross-country a year before, I had found and started a new job and had just started to feel a part of my new city. But, by the time our son was born, I was really ready for a change after quite a bit of job stress in the last months of my pregnancy.

The first few months were really hard, and there were moments we wondered if we had made a mistake... but now Muggins is 6 months old and everything has changed. I cannot imagine not being his mum, and am at this point questioning whether or not I will go back to work at all! I can attest to the overwhelming love you feel for this new little person, which grows exponentially once you start to get returns: smiles, laughs, responses to your voice and presence... we are so grateful to be parents and am certain that by the time your little one arrives you will be ready! Best of luck.

Side note: Thank you so much, Moxie, for your great community of advice on all manner of things. I found you when I googled "sleep issues and 4 month-old baby"; I was soon treated to all I need to know about sleep regressions and a huge range of what parents are doing out there to get as many people in their houses as much sleep as humanly possible!

[Kristin]

Oh - the other one I wanted to mention: Moxie mentions something about the lows being lower but the highs being higher, and I think that's very well put. So recognize that when you hit the lows, and know that it's OK to cut yourself some slack and ask for help. (One small mundane way that I had to do this: when I had a list of three things that I wanted to get done with Boy in tow...I cut it down to one and congratulated myself on a productive day. If I got two done, well then, I was Super Mom. Therapy might be very helpful for this kind of thing -- the mental rearranging: instead of thinking, "Drat, I never got to the cleaners like I was supposed to," think "Hey! I saw grown-ups at mom's group AND put gas in the car! With a baby! I rock!" You did good, see?

Yes, the lows are lower (I still have a hard time with that: my swings are a lot swingier) -- but you're already taking steps to help yourself with that, and that's good. Plus...OK, I've found lows I didn't know I had...but I've also found patience that I never knew I had, the ability to just sit and BE with a baby that I never knew I had. And that depth of love thing again? Yeah - like nothing I ever suspected. I remember thinking once (when he was in tears and I was near them), "He doesn't need you to be perfect, or to fix everything: he just needs you to be steady. He's unorganized in his sleeping and eating and feelings -- so what he needs is for you just to BE here and be calm for him until he learns to do it more for himself." Suddenly it was like I could breathe again: instead of feeling like a woman on the edge of a nervous breakdown, I felt like his MOTHER. Admittedly, that kind of grace comes and goes...but it was one of my most helpful revelations, and if I could find it once, then I could find it again, and use it to remind myself that I could do this. Trust that you'll find your own revelations in your own way and your own time.

Best wishes -

[rudyinparis]

Hi Heather,

I think I've said something like this before here in this community, on a different topic, but I've found it relates to so much in my life... and that is that the anticipation of change is much more difficult than the actual change. You are, right now, in the thick of the (IMO) hardest part, the, "Oh shit, everything is about to change" part. You are not yet engaged in the actual change (the having the baby). Plus, all these huge great things have happened (congratulations on the job, by the way--I think having work you love is going to be a big help for you) so you are just riding all these huge waves... knowing that everything is going to be turned upside down yet again in the not-distance future. That is tough stuff to handle! I'm not completely conversant in AA vocabulary, but I do know that "one day at a time" and trying to be in the present moment are, for me, *extremely helpful* as I tend to become very anxious about things that lay waiting in the future.

Take deep breaths! I honestly think that someday you will look back at this period of your life and be filled with pride at how strong you were, and you will be amazed to reflect on your ability to take everything in stride, one piece at a time.

Good luck! Keep us posted!

[Shannon]

I like what Shelley said about how anybody who doesn't have ambivalent feelings about becoming a parent is being unrealistic. As obvious as that seems, I only just recently (10 months after having the baby) found out that there were other people who freaked out while pregnant. Everybody around you is so excited about the baby, and you wonder how you yourself, the person with this much-anticipated being living inside of you, couldn't be at least 10 times as excited. And sure, the pregnancy books all refer to these little anxieties, but they're sort of glossed over in favor of discussing things like nausea and nutrition. Nobody discusses the all-consuming worry that can take over your body as much as the fetus does. At best, you feel like your worries can be expressed moderately and occasionally in the form of very socially-accepted concerns like not having basic baby-care skills.

And can I just say that it REALLY DOESN'T HELP that EVERYBODY YOU KNOW says something like, "Once that baby comes, you'll never [sleep, eat, go to a restaurant, watch TV, go to the movies, take a proper vacation, have time to yourself, talk to your husband] ever again" ? One woman at work was especially bad about these types of comments, and I still find myself resenting her a little bit.

[Jill]

After years of trying for a viable pregnancy, when it finally happened, I thought "Oh my God what have I done?" Imagine the guilt I felt. So yes, ambivalence is normal. Add that to all of the other changes you have gone through, and you feel like your life is out of control. All normal. Yes, find someone to talk to. And know there is great joy waiting for you.

[jayhawk]

Ditto what Shannon said above: the warnings that people give can be utterly terrifying. The reality: Yes, you miss out on some sleep. Yes, there are some long nights. Yes, they cry and poop a lot. But do we go out to eat? Do we sleep well most nights? Do we each have time to ourselves? Yes, yes, and yes. The experience is what you make it. My thought has always been that the people who say those things are the people who martyred themselves in parenthood. It does not have to be like that.

Let me also add that although I do enjoy my time to myself, I also enjoy taking that time and spending it with my kiddo. For me, time to myself is sometimes the most fun spent doing silly things with the Nugget. That said, I still take bathroom breaks to myself. That I will not sacrifice!

[JeCaThRe]

Two months before my (very wanted, very planned) son was born, I watched a couple at a picnic with their toddler, and realized that my life as I knew was OVER.

I was right. Having a baby is insane. If you knew how hard it really was, you'd never do it the first time. But oh is it good. It's okay to be scared, angry, resentful, panicked, tired. It's okay to see a therapist and talk it out. You're going to be okay. And I bet you're going to be a great mom.

[Mom In France]

I really wanted to do it all RIGHT NOW. For whatever reason I was both totally impatient and yet unable to actually do anything. Then BAM! French boyfriend! BAM! Moved to France -- talk about change and adjustment. New job, new language, new culture: just like having a baby. We got married (after a while, thankfully) and then a month later learned that I was pregnant. So although we've been a co-habitating couple for awhile we've been learning about marriage-values and parents-values at the same time -- yikes!

Boo was wanted, and generally planned for, but still. I can't say it was love at first sight. More like Oh *&#% what do we do now?

After some time though we did find the "new normal" which is good and well, um, normal. And he's delicious and awesome to be around.

Oh yeah: I did therapy. During the wedding planning, and up to 7 months of pregnancy and again for a bit post-partum. Just to help me through the change and to not feel totally crazy or to dump too much on my husband.

[Wendy]

I felt similarly, very ambivalent, definitely not excited, and being older, felt as though the nice life I had carved out for myself was over. These feelings, despite half-trying (not trying not to...) to have a baby for years.

I had to take my doctoral orals exam being hugely pregnant with string tied around my pants to keep them from falling down, my dissertation research was "interrupted" by the birth, and now baby #2's due date is targeted for graduation day.

Overall, I kept my expectations pretty low (the key to happiness is low expectations!) about the thrill of feeling my body change, the immediate love for the baby people told me I would feel, and all that other stuff and probably because of the expectations of being tired, overwhelmed, crazy feeling, I have actually felt more relaxed, more willing to accept what comes, etc. and, like everyone else has said, over time, watching a tiny baby grow into an ambling, giggling, speaking toddler is thrilling and fun.

I think grousing is healthy, and distressed feelings absolutely warrant therapy. A lot of women do it, not a lot talk about it.

Good luck.

[ivymae]

Ditto all that above. Love the commenters over here.

Just a note about the job you love - don't feel guilty for wanting to go back to it. Linda over at http://www.sundrymourning.com/ has written a bit about this, - the intense love for your child, but the need to have other fulfillment, and the (undue) guilt that she felt when she realized that she was not June Cleaver. She loves her job, but that doesn't make the love for her son(s) any less. Talk to your HR department about what kind of leave you can take, and then stay flexible. You are in for a wild ride, and I was so scared standing in line, but I never want to get off.

[Liza]

A dear friend of mine had 2 accidental pregnancies. During the first one, she took complete shit care of herself and to her painful and guilty relief, she miscarried around 8 or 9 weeks.

The second time, she felt even more traumatized by the idea of becoming a parent. And she completely convinced herself that she would miscarry again, but wasn't quite to the point where she was willing or able to affirmatively end the pregnancy herself. Instead she just took lousy care of herself, fell into a very deep depression, and ended things with the man who got her pregnant.

In the end, she had a beautiful daughter, and managed to pull herself together to provide a good life for the two of them. Her daughter is almost 6, healthy, lovely and intelligent, and although Mom's career isn't quite where it might have been, it is still going strong.

[Rebecca]

Totally normal! I'm actually going through this with pregnancy #2 (which was unexpected) and feel guilty about not being super excited, especially since I already have an amazing little boy so I KNOW the emotional payoffs! But I also know the hard work, lack of freedom, lots of worry, etc, that accompanies the joys of parenting. It's normal to feel ambivalent or even unhappy about the idea of your life being completely turned upside down! You will still LOVE your baby more than you ever thought possible, even if you don't like every single minute of the journey. Keep the faith and hang in there!!!

[Briana]

My mama always said that you can't change how you feel, but you can change what you do about it. I imagine it must be really hard to experience so much change at once, and having a baby is a massive one. Even though I was excited about having mine, I didn't really have the feelings I thought I was 'supposed' to have right away. I loved my baby, but I didn't really feel connected to him for some time after the birth. It got better each day though.

I would suggest you let yourself feel whatever is natural to you and allow yourself time to love and enjoy your baby. Have faith that you will - no matter how difficult your post-partum experience may be while you adjust to being a mommy, you will eventually get there.

Try not to dwell too much on those negative feelings. Really try to enjoy this experience. I found the first three months hard, but since about three months it has gotten better and better. There really is nothing like it. Being a mom is more demanding than a job, but you really will love your baby more than you thought possible. You will find more joy in him or her than you could imagine.

[sue]

In my own experience, we tried for a year to get our first, and then the second happened by accident. i HATED being pregnant both times. Nohting about me glowed. I was just fat and uncomfortable and terrified. It's really ok to feel this way. Other people do, too - but many aren't being honest with themselves or with you. With my first, it took a good 18 months before I really felt like we fell into a groove. Yes, I loved her and cared for her, but things didn't really click for a while. With the second, the bonding was immediate and intense. I think some of this had to do with experience and anxiety levels, but honestly, I think it had to do with their individual personalities, too. My daughter was colicky, strongly preferred her dad, and never slept. My son is the world's happiest, most easygoing baby. It's much easier to bond with someone who doesn't scream at you all day and night. (I should also say that, now that she's older, my daughter is the light of my life. a more intelligent, strong, beautiful, dynamic, funny 3 year old has never existed before her.)

I'm going to say something inflammatory here - I always felt kind of ambivalent about abortion before getting pregnant.After getting pregnant with my first (after trying for a year, mind you), I finally understood why it might be a necessary evil in someone's life. As much as I wanted that baby (so much I could taste it), the whole experience was so frightening and overwhelming that I couldn't imagine what someone was going through who wasn't in the ideal position (stable job, no debt, stable relationship) for having a baby. So, I think you should be very proud of yourself for dealing with everything as well as you are.

Give yourself permission to have this experience honestly. It will take a period of adjustment, but in the end, you'll be amazed at what your child brings to your life.

[snickollet]

My husband and I decided to have kids at a very tumultuous time in our lives (husband was terminally ill, we both had busy jobs, and our families live very, very far away). I knew I wanted to have kids with my husband, and I knew it was our only shot.

Our twins are now 19 months old. My husband died nine months ago, almost ten. I have to be honest: I am JUST NOW starting to feel the intense love and overwhelming joy of being a mother. I was ambivalent during my whole pregnancy, and overwhelmed for months afterwards. Even now, I get those higher highs and lower lows, and every day I seem to have at least one "this is amazing" moment and one "I hate this life" moment.

What I'm trying to say here is this: I do think having kids makes your life richer. You learn so much about yourself and about what is important to you. But it has taken me a long time to start to feel the joy that some people seem to get as soon as the baby is born. So if it takes a while, try not to fret. It will come, slowly but surely. And perhaps for you, it will come earlier and faster.

[kelly]

I'm currently 29 weeks into a pregnancy that is the result of intentional planning. My excitement about this pregnancy has continually alternated with panic / OHMIGOD / vague terror. I can report that, as the weeks tick by, the freaked-out feelings have become fewer and farther between. That said, I think it's completely normal to have mixed feelings about pregnancy, even when you're pretty sure it's exactly what you want. This is a huge life change, and it's good to take time to process that. The myth that pregnancy and parenthood are nothing but fuzzily lit warm and cuddly bliss is SO unhelpful. It's not all fun and cupcakes, and I think it's good to acknowledge that.

Good for you, Heather, for finding a therapist to help you work through all these feelings. Be kind to yourself.

[Jean]

I really wanted to get pg the first time, was ambivalent and it just happened the second time. Never loved being pg (and I had it pretty easy). I was working when M was born, kept that up for a year and a half before we decided that me staying at home was best for all of us, especially me. The key is that you can always change your mind about work--keep working, get help, don't keep working, keep the help anyway, all these things are more flexible than they appear right now.

You feel what you feel, and that's okay. There is no wrong in what you're talking about right now. You're getting help, which is something I wish I did after C was born. I got thru it, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Talk to your therapist as long as you want, as long as it's the best thing for you, and not one minute less.

My M was the easiest baby in the world, my C was (and continues to be) the toughest challenge I've ever faced. I love them both in a way I can't put into words, and I love them both so differently. But it was not like that at the moment of birth, or even a week or a month later. Doesn't make me a bad mom, just a human mom. My kids know they are loved, and that's all that matters.

And yes, your life will change, and not all for the better at first, but we've found we don't miss the sacrifices we've made as much as we thought we might. Those things just don't seem as important or as fun as they did before we had kids. If they did, we'd find a way to do them still. That's how life works.

[Annika]

Since having my son (who is 20 months old and was planned if it matters) my life is totally different and totally the same and I don't miss the old life at all. I can't remember or imagine what it was like before him - in fact, I keep inserting him into my memories, like the other day when I tried to remember where he slept on our honeymoon, two years before he was born, or on a vacation we took when I was pregnant. I have not had to give up anything I love except sleep, and I generally have more fun including him in my life than I could have dreamed. I don't like doing things without him except for the occasional "mama night" (which is crucial for morale especially when sleep is extra bad). I certainly don't think everyone will have the same experience, nor do I want anyone to think my life is perfect (hahahahahaha) but overall it is really great to have this little person in my family.

[SJ]

love love the commenters here.
really.

therapy has been great. the internet is great. but one other thing that really helps is meeting other moms in the same boat IRL - prenatal yoga classes can be one way to do that now, and new mom groups when the baby is born.

Otherwise, I don't have much to add to the comments above - except I wish I had foudn this website when I was pregnant the first time.
Yes, life now is way way different. Of course it is - but overall it is so good (even in the throes of the terrible twos). And I work, in a job I like a lot, and have managed to even be promoted while pregnant (w/ baby #2).
And we've gone out to eat, to the movies, even away for the weekend (with and without kids).

[Emily]

Heather,

You are already doing a great job. Why? Because you have identified what you feel, you are learning to live with it, you are ok recognizing that you need help, that help is good and normal, and you are asking for it, you know that some things are very good about your life right now, you recognize also that things are totally crazy and in flux and that it is NOT YOUR JOB TO HAVE YOUR SH*T TOTALLY TOGETHER right now. Good for you! You're doing great!

Everybody has already weighed in about pregnancy ambivalence and they're right. At 13 weeks, I feel like a tired, nauseous, beached whale in tight pants. Things will even out in the next few months. Take it one step at a time. You don't need to know right now where the baby will sleep, or how you're going to teach it to eat with a spoon, or cloth vs. disposable. You have time to figure all those things out, one at a time, later. All you need right now is good prenatal care and the knowledge that you are ok.

It's not quite the same, but similar: a year and a half ago, my husband and new baby and I left our wonderful life, city, friends, and family so that I could take a job across the country where I knew nobody, in a culture totally alien to my own. It's been hard, and the good things come and go, but things are definitely looking up.

The best advice I received about all the transition was to give it four years. That is the point when I can expect to have new real friends, a real community, a life I can see living. Until then, it's very small building blocks. One coffee date, one good book, one yoga class, one awkward dinner invitation, at a time. I try to mark all the good times as they happen, but overall, I am refusing to make a global assessment about my new life until 4 years have passed. In your case, you have to add in getting used to being married, and then first-time motherhood, so give it even longer.

Good luck, and hang in there. You are doing a darn fine job, right this very second.

[O]

Ditto everyone. Don't panic if you don't bond instantly. And don't be surprised if you do.
My best friend had a gazillion dollar dream job she couldn't wait to get back to (blackberry from the labor room, the works), took one look at the baby, and quit almost on the spot.
Another close friend was thrilled to have a six-month leave and called me at three months, crying because she couldn't wait that long to go back.
Some of us stay home and realize later that day care would have been a great thing for our kids. One of my friends swears her third, her "day care baby," born when she was working full time, is the sweetest of her bunch and chalks it up to spending so much time with professional caregivers instead of her!
Point being, change is coming, but trying to guess what that change is right now is going to be just that--guessing. There are fun parts to being pregnant ("hey, I'm building a human here"). But the best thing to do for that baby is to do what you can to make you happy.
If you are together enough in your fog to be doing what you need to do (vitamins, etc.) then somewhere in you, you have the resources to do this. Listen to that heart of yours, not just the baby's, and you will do what's best for you both. Not all the time, but enough.
Congratulations. Hang in there. I'll look forward to updates on how you are doing!

[Emily]

@Snickollet,

not to hijack, but you deserve a hug and thanks just for posting, for being brave and honest, for making the decisions that you did, and for sharing them.

[Summer]

(Sorry, no time to read the other comments right now, so I risk repeating what others have said....)

I've got no experience with surprise pregnancies, but I can honestly say that even as someone who deliberately tried for a baby, who was desperate for a baby, I STILL had the feelings of "what have I done?" and "my life is OVER" when I realized that a baby was really going to happen. There aren't any "coming home from the hospital" pictures, even, because I couldn't stop crying all that day, I was so overwhelmed.

So it IS normal, but I still think Heather is very, very wise to find someone to help her through this enormous change. See? You're already a great mom.

[michaela]

Everyone has already said the smart stuff, so I will just chime in with my own experience. Being pregnant sucked. I felt terrible for most of the pregnancy, and for as much as this baby was wanted I vacillated between excitement and horror. Being the mother of a newborn also sucked. But gradually (slowly) it got better, thanks to therapy and Z0l0ft and a fantastic husband AND a job I love, love, love. Plus - and not to be underestimated - a fantastic daycare provider.

My girl is now 1.75, and she is a HOOT. We sit around at night and talk about the goofy things she says when carefully arranging her Little People on the end tables in the living room -- "Sheep go dere. Camel, lay down. Cow say moo." She's heartbreakingly beautiful -- just like all the other commenters' kids ;) -- and I am so, so glad she is here.

And along with all that I am really looking forward to sending her off to her grandparents' for an overnight visit this weekend. A PP mentioned having totally forgotten her previous life; that is absolutely not true in my case - I loved my pre-kiddo life, and I pay attention to keeping in touch with childless friends and work colleagues, as well as the parenting crowd. I'm also very comfortable with the idea that our girl will be our one and only.

I gain a ton of satisfaction from my work, and feel that it helps me to be a better mother than I would otherwise be. If you ask my daughter what Mama does at work, she'll say, "wight storees." And that is the coolest thing ever.

[Julie]

The dirty little secret that no one tells you about being a mom: You will love it and hate it at the same time. In the same moment, the same breath, the same blink of an eye. You are normal for feeling ambivalent, scared, regretful, and anxious. Excitement and joy will come and go as you wrap your brain around how your life is going to change. Your experience is going to be unique to you. Don't ever feel ashamed or embarassed if you feel less or different from what society tells you to feel.

I hated being pregnant. I did not like losing control over my body. I was an athlete in high school and college. I prided myself on being coordinated, in shape (for the most part) and in control. You lose all of that when pregnant. Not to mention I was very uncomfortable. When asked how I liked being pregnant, I was always honest with people, and I wanted to shove a fist down the throats of the folks who said "You're kidding me! I LOVED EVERY MINUTE. I never felt like more of a woman, never felt more sexy...." In that moment I hated them. And that made me hate myself. The truth of the matter is that many people DO love being pregnant. And just as many don't. This is a pattern you will find all throughout parenthood. Some people love being moms to infants, but struggle through parenting a toddler. Others hate the infant stage, and are artful in parenting a toddler. You will find your own suckiness and artfulness as you go.

Yes, your life is about to change, but it's true the love you have for your child is like nothing you've ever felt before. But that doesn't erase the love you have for your life as you know it now. Give yourself the time and the space to talk about your feelings, your doubts, the things you don't want to let go of. Make sure your husband has the same space to do so - together with you but also on his own. Fathers go through their own set of conflicting emotions as well and should not be overlooked when talking about this huge transition (on top of all the other huge trasitions you guys have had this year).

You WILL find joy in your child. You WILL find a well of patience that you never knew existed inside you. It's not all nurturing love and maternal bliss, and you are smart to be talking about that now because for many moms, that is a cruel slap in the face after the baby is born.

Everything sounds like a cliche when people tell you *WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE* after the baby is born. You will find your own way, your own strengths, your own flaws, your own joy. Find peace, Heather, in knowing you can do this, you will be good at it in your own unique way. Don't be a martyr....no one is asking you to give up who you are and what you love. Motherhood gives you the power to make room in your life for everything and everyone. Including yourself. You can love it and hate it at the same time and be a good mother, good wife, good colleague, employee, daughter and friend.

Be kind to yourself my friend. We are here to help you when you need it.

[cloud]

Heather, if part of the freak out is about how you'll keep doing your job once the baby arrives- don't worry, if you want to keep your job, you will. I've gone on a business trip leaving an exclusively breastfed baby at home with Daddy (and a lot of expressed milk). Hubby and I have worked out solutions to the "I have a sick kid but also a deadline/important meeting at work" quandry. It all works out. I love working and I love being a mommy. If that is what is right for you, you'll sort it out, too. (The first few weeks back at work are hard, though, so be gentle to yourself then and don't expect too much. It gets easier.)

I still freak out now and then about what we've done to our lives. But, really, I just have to see my daughter's big grin and I know that I wouldn't have it any other way.

[sam]

I totally agree with Shelly,those who do not have ambivalent feelings during pregnancy are probably being a little unrealistic.

I loved being pregnant and felt truly excited about the arrival of my baby. I knew that I would have to make some adjustments, but felt I would be able to cope with baby, career etc etc just fine. I even chased a promotion at work (which I got) 3 months before the due date. I was a 'little' unprepared for how much the baby would change my life. Not in a bad way, but just how much nurturing this little stranger would require and how my priorities would change so quickly.

My 'oh f*ck what have I done?!?' moment came after the baby was born. But I got through it. It took some time for us to get to know each other, but now, she's my world. It's tough, but as everyone has pointed out so eloquently, the love you will feel (not necessarily immediately, remember) quickly fill the gaps you may be feeling from your 'old' life.

Good for you for asking for some help, ask for it again and again whenever things get tough. You're already showing what an excellent mom you will be to your baby by addressing your feelings.

It may not be the right time, but it will be the right baby.

[jennifer]

My husband and I were actively trying to have a baby when I found out I was pregnant. I took the test and read it, put it on the shelf in the bathroom and walked out. I was totally freaked out and remained that way for most of my pregnancy. All you hear is stories about these women who love being pregnant, see their baby and it is love at first sight and everything is roses and chocolate from then on. Luckily the nurse who taught our new baby class laid it out on the line. It was normal to not feel great during pregnancy, don't think it will be love at first sight when you first see the baby, most of the time they don't look that cute when they first come out, and that she would rather go through delivery any day than go through the first six weeks of postpartum. I couldn't agree with her more.

That being said I wouldn't trade any of it now. Being a mom is the best thing in the world and I also work and have an amazing job. There is no cookie cutter scenario of being a mom. If you love your job, keep it, keep doing what you love, your family with adapt and things will work out.

Hang in there!

[Kay]

Guess what! When your kids are 5 and 2, it is STILL normal to feel overwhelmed and sometime wonder WTF you did to yourself? And why didn't you run off into the sunset with the pool boy when you had the chance?

Then one of those little f&*kers will come up to you and give you a Mommy you're the best hug and you will wonder how you ever made it without them.

You are so normal. Take care!

[ML]

Delurking to add my two cents: reading these comments brought tears to my eyes because I too had moved for the second time in a year (to another country, away from almost all family), got married, was on contract work and BOOM found out I was pregnant. I was so scared s*&#less after seeing the pee stick, my husband was too afraid to be happy (he dearly wanted children, I felt ambivalent). I didn't admit to very many people that overwhelming anxiety, fear and sadness were my first reactions, but nine months is a good amount of time to get psychologically prepared.

My son is a year old today, and like all the other very wise, very caring commenters here, he is truly THE light of my life. I have learned so much about love, patience, strength, and especially humility in a year. If someone had told me all the lessons I've learned about being a parent, I wouldn't have understood much of it, but there isn't very much fun stuff now that I wouldn't want my son to share too. Obviously, we can't go kayaking around the Galapagos Islands together (not until he can hold a paddle) but we've been to France and we'll be going to Portugal in the spring. Travelling with a baby requires a lot of planning and vacations are never as relaxing as they used to be, but it's amazing to see the world through their eyes.

[Aaron]

Wow, have I been there. I am the type of person who deals with change fairly well, but I also have to know there is an end and well, there is no real end to what you are going through. An end to the pregnancy yes, but not an end to change. Every day things change.(I'm finding out maybe I don't deal with change too well ;~) ) Just when you think you have it figured out, it changes.

My N is now 6 months and 3 weeks old and I have never been so sleep deprived in my life and man are those lows low, but Moxie and everyone else is right - the highs are higher. I am in Canada and therefore am able to take a year of Mat. leave. As well I am a teacher and started my Mat leave in July so I have an extra 2 months at home with N. At the three month mark I wanted to go back to work at 6 months b/c I was going crazy. I LOVE my job as well and I just wanted some sort of normal again. Now... I still want to go back to work, but I can wait. N is changing so fast and I love every minute of it (other than the sleep deprived part of course) My suggestion is get out there when your little one is born and do stuff. Enroll is classes with her to get yourself out of the house. That saved my bacon as I know I would have gone into PPD if I hadn't.

Hang in there, take it day by day and know that what you are feeling is "normal" and that the word "normal" will forever have a different meaning for you and your husband!

[fahmi]

I always wanted kids, but I got pregnant before we "planned to" - and I resented the baby's intrusion for a big portion of the pregnancy. My husband was a little upset that I wasn't "happier" - I was happy, but as Moxie said, I needed the time to mourn the changes that were coming. It was almost impossible to predict ahead of time what good things this would bring, so I didn't try.

I just told myself that things will work out. It's hard to figure out what will happen or what won't - we were convinced that there is no way we could make the money stretch, but it's worked out. We were convinced we would never travel and have adventures again - we went on a cross-country trip via Amtrak this year. I've learned that no matter how impossible it might seem, and how everything is changing, we can still do things we want to - or make things work out.

I have to say, the smiles are wonderful. Even after a whole day of feeling horrid because he was so cranky, a smile at the end of the day made up for it. or even a smile at the next day just felt like a fresh start each day. I love the spontaneous hugs that come from nowhere. And best of all, I love it when he looks at me and signs, "I love you." I can't wait till he says it aloud.

[AmyinMotown]

I wish Ask Moxie had been around when I was pregnant the first time. See, we went through infertility and it's a whole long story but FREAKED at the beginning, and then really freaked again at the end. Like, "What the HELL was I thinking, I don't want a baby, are we nuts??" alternating with thoughts of "Because you thought that you're going to lose this baby and your heart will break and it will be all your fault." FUN! And in a very different situation I find myself just as ambivalent with #2 (I am 36 weeks). Hormones suck.

But having a kid is the best thing ever, really, it's amazing. I feel sometimes like I have a crush on my daughter, I am so excited to see her first thing in the morning or get her from school. She's just my favorite person in the whole wide world, even when she's being a complete little shit of a 3-year-old. It's hard and was a really difficult adjustment to parenthood. I felt in some ways like it was easier because I was 34, so I had already had my fun, but on the other hand if I was 10 years younger I would not be so aware of what I was missing. But OH was it worth it. And still is.

Ignore the people who do all that "YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN" bullshit, or take advantage of being all hormonal to tell them to go screw themselves. I hated that when I was pregnant. No, your life will never be the same, but I was surprised by how little the lack of sleep bothered me, and you'll find time for what's important to you. I'm still an avid cook and writer, my friends who were travelers are still travelers, athletes are still athletes, etc. Cut yourself tons of slack and give yourself time to develop new routines. It's the stuff you don't care about that falls away.

Oh, and my career? Better. It took awhile to get there, but it's better than it was even before she was born.

It will be fine, and you'll be fine. It might take a while to get there, but my God the love and joy are just incredible.

[Katie B.]

I'm at 21 weeks with #1. We had our ultrasound yesterday, and it was amazing to see the little weevil wiggling around in my belly. At the same time, I felt even more strongly the thought I've had since the day I conceived (and I pretty much knew that day) - "oh gods, what am I getting myself into? I'm going to be a mom in another 20 weeks, and I can't give it back!" I wanted this so badly that my husband agreed we could go for it, even though we'd only been married 5 months when we started trying (we'd been living together for a couple of years, so no real marriage adjustments), even though he's a teacher and I don't have a solid job (one doula client who's paying me $50 does not a solid job make), and with all of the other reasons we could and probably should have waited. Now I'm terrified when I actually think about it. I keep waiting to feel excited, and I have yet to feel that. I'm more excited about my client's upcoming birth than my own. I feel amazing, intense joy (I think?) when I hear the baby's heartbeat, or see pictures, but when I feel it move in my belly, I talk to it the way I talk to my cats. I'm not in therapy, but I am on depression medication, which has made a huge difference in my life. I moved to this town three years ago to be with my now-husband, and I don't regret it, but I'm not good at being casually social, and for all my stabs, I still haven't made many acquaintances, let alone any friends. I had a huge crying jag a few weeks ago when I was hit (as I am periodically) with remembering how very lonely I am here.

And yet for all that, I wouldn't change my life a bit right now. I have a much beloved husband who loves me and thinks I'm dead sexy even slack-jawed and drooling. I'm building a career that will be incredibly fulfilling. I have my own home - and maybe my own house soon - into which I'm spreading my wings as an adult. I do have friends, even if more of them are online than not, and some of them are also expecting or new parents. I even have cats who love me! And I'm growing a baby, whom I love already, even if I'm ambivalent about its arrival. Gah, I'm making myself tear up!

I guess my point is: Heather, you're so not alone.

[sheSaid]

we were trying to get pregnant and when it came time to read the stick i made my dh do it... and felt sick, deep and dark and scared NOT the joy i thought i would. i spent 9 months waking up every morning realizing everything was going to change. I went over all the things that would be gone from my life.

then he was born. i wanted to take care of him, but it was a while before i loved him. i remember at one point being like "why did people congratulate me, its evil, i hate this!"

4 months was a huge turning point in liking it more, and him giving more. It helped my mom admitting she was happy to go back to work.and talking to other moms who had felt the same because then i stopping hating myself for feeling that way.

good luck, and you are not alone

[m]

First of all, mourn away. A good friend very recently reminded me how important it is to mourn the passing chapters of our lives.

I'm at 38.5 weeks into my second pregnancy and I'm still in denial. And terrified. And mourning. And freaking out.

I love being a mother and my son brings me so much joy and happiness and love, but it isn't always sunshine and lollipops. Like Moxie and others have said, parenthood brings the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. You will connect with this baby and love it more than you ever thought possible, but don't beat yourself up for not wanting to throw a parade just yet. It will take time. And that's normal.

Also, just a piece of advice, avoid telling people for as long as possible. Although my first pregnancy was a very positive experience (and this one, too) I HATED it when people would ask me if I was excited. I never was 'excited'. So I'd say 'yes' and then feel like sh*t because I wasn't and what the hell was wrong with me? This time around I just say 'no, I'm terrified'. It sometimes creates awkward pauses, but it's much more fun. ;)

Okay, I have to run now (poopy diaper, midwifery appointment), but hang in there. You're feelings are so very normal. Plus, I think you are miles ahead because you've found Moxie so early on!

[Charisse]

It's interesting, I suspect it would have been easier to admit these feelings back when childbearing was seen as more of a fact of life as opposed to a choice. Now that most of us explicitly choose to do it (or if the pregnancy is accidental, to continue it), I think there is this meme out in the culture that we shouldn't complain--we made our bed, we have to lie in it. And anyway, why would you choose this if you don't love it? And maybe you aren't fit to do it if you don't love every single minute--I mean, come on, you chose it with your eyes open.

Well, just as the PPs I'm here to say that's complete and total BS. I remember contemplating taking my very much wanted and long tried-for newborn daughter to the safe abandonment program, I was so terrified and felt so wrong. What happened? Well, Mr. C walked into the room where I was bawling over her sweet little form, asked what was going on...and I explained that if we took her to the safe abandonment program she would never be called the lovely name we had chosen for her, and I was so sad for her about that. He picked Mouse up, cradled both of us, and said, no, that is her own name and we're going to make sure she keeps it and we can do this together, somehow. And we do. She's almost 4 now--we adore her every single minute and sometimes we also can't stand it--kind of like each other.

It also helped me to remember that the whole thing is not just amazing, wonderful, and scary but also...ridiculous. Just plain bizarre and silly. There's a thing--an alien, a person--growing in you. That's just off the wall. ALL the emotions are normal and fine. Hang in there and hugs.

[Blythe]

Very wise comments above.

I'll just add that I went through some huge changes right before I became pregnant - quit my job of 10 years, moved overseas - and felt a huge identity crisis in my first few months of pregnancy. I recall sobbing into the phone to my husband that I couldn't even remember who I was anymore.

Two things made this time easier for me. One, I encouraged my husband to announce our impending arrival and to handle most of the well-wishers. I just couldn't take everyone else's excitement for me when I was feeling low, and since he was bursting with the news, he loved being the messenger. Second, reading Moxie's "preventing PPD" series, specifically the post that covers depression during pregnancy, made me feel so much more normal. While I never actually found a therapist, just knowing that my feelings were normal and probably had a hormonal component helped me get through it.

Now my son just turned a year old, and while sometimes I still question my ability to be a stay-at-home mom (probably not a long-term job for me), I have been amazed at how comfortably I slipped into parenting in general. I think going through all those huge life changes before I had a baby actually made the transition into motherhood less difficult.

[Nutmeg]

We tried for a long time to get pregnant. It finally took and I hated being pregnant. I slept 20 hours a day for 5 months, after that I had to ignore being pregnant because I was heading toward pre-eclampsia and thinking about that sucked. So I didn't really focus on what would happen when the baby showed up.

So when he showed up and was a couple of weeks old I remember looking down at the skinny little bean and thinking (as others have said) "WHAT WAS I THINKING. We had such a good life!"

He's 13 months old now. He makes me laugh a lot (when he isn't making me cry) I'm getting my PhD in a science field, we found a rhythm that works for us every day. Sometimes it's too much to handle and sometimes I feel like I am breezing through this thing like a professional.

You're crazy (or in denial) if you aren't ambivalent. I think it would have been better to be ambivalent while I was pregnant, rather than saving it all for after he shows up. So consider yourself ahead of the game!

Congratulations.

[Luann]

I don't want to repeat what so many have already said, other than to reinforce that you can feel the love and hate at the same time and it's unlike any other thing I've experienced. I am "older" and tried for 5 years - surgery, multiple miscarriages - before becoming pregnant with my son, who turned one on Saturday. I was afraid to breathe until we'd gotten past the amnio at 5 months, so afraid was I that something would go wrong. Delayed telling people for as long as possible. And even as I hoped and prayed for a healthy pregnancy and baby, I wondered what the hell I had gotten myself into and how would I ever deal with the changes that were coming. About 2 minutes after he was born, as I held him close for the first time, I remember thinking that if he and/or I were to die at that moment, that it would have been worth it for the joy I felt right then. Believe me, that was the last thing I expected to feel!

Now a year later, he is the light of my life to be sure, and yet some nights I can't wait for him to fall asleep so that I can get a moment to myself. And then I miss him and want to go look in on him and then think "stop, fool, you might wake him up!"

One of the truths about motherhood (which I would also like to be the truth about fatherhood, but I don't know if it is) is that you never are truly on your own, even when alone and in a hotel room on the other side of the country, ever again.

All that said, you can still go back to work at that job that you love and be a great mom. If you are happy and fullfilled by your work, it will only make you a better parent and help you set a great example for your child. My son is in full-time daycare and LOVES it. After a three day weekend, we are all happy to have him back with his teachers and friends.

I have felt a kind of joy that I never knew existed. I have also cursed what my best friend calls the "mindf$#k of motherhood". Life is so much richer than before - like seeing new colors. Some of them are bright and some of them are dark, but I'll never see the world the same way again.

[Amy]

I was FREAKED OUT the entire time I was pregnant. I was totally convinced that everything I loved about my life was OVER.

Some of it was over, and some of it wasn't, and I honestly can't remember what my specific fears were at this point.

I won't chime in with the "my child is the light of my life" or "I have never loved anyone like this before" stuff - because, although it's totally true, I don't think it's possible to get a grasp on those ideas AT ALL until in you are in the midst of it. And, it might take you months to feel those things - not everyone feels it right away, so don't be scared if you don't bond to that baby instantly.

Instead of these flowery, intangible rosy things, I will tell you these rosy things. A glass of wine has never, ever tasted better to me than after a long day with my child (whether that day was awesome or tough). You'll be reminded of how hilariously fun a lot of things are, things you've forgotten about in adulthood. Having a kid is a free pass to go down the slide at the park or babble to yourself in the grocery store without anyone looking at you like you're crazy. When people tell me how gorgeous my child is, It's like they're telling ME how gorgeous I am, and who couldn't use a compliment? Having a baby has put my job - my career, even - into a whole new perspective - I now work harder, and more efficiently, and more objectively, because my job now matters both MORE and LESS than it ever did in the past. My husband and I now have something fantastic and completely absorbing in common. Getting away - to the spa, to the grocery store, to work, to dinner with a friend - is WAY more fun than ever before. And coming home is WAY more exciting!

There are amazingly cute, hip clothes out there for kids, so shopping has taken on a whole new level of enjoyment.

Aside from all of these shallow but OH SO TRUE things, I can also give you the same piece of advice that I got and clung to - don't change anything else about your life until after the baby is with you. Things will shift for you in ways that are impossible to predict right now. So just keep living your life the way you have been and want to, and work on feeling okay with "letting go" - let go of control, of things going your way, of frustration, of fear - this is the number one skill I have used as a new parent, and it is a real relief to practice it!

Good luck, and please keep us up to speed on how things go for you!