Q&A: father not caring for baby

Kelly writes:

"First of all let me start with my sincere thanks for your site. As a first time mother living in fairly isolated circumstances (my husband and I are expats in Thailand which means access to very few family or professional support systems) I have found your site invaluable and have spent many hours scrolling through the archives. On particularly trying days I often find pieces of wisdom from you and your commentators popping into my mind and making me laugh or giving me new things to try with my 12 week old son.

I am writing to you about son’s relationship with my partner. I know you have written in previous posts that their relationship is not my responsibility and I agree with this and I am not trying to create or manage it for them, but here is the situation. My partner loves our son dearly. However, he seems to be at a bit of a loss as to what to do with him. As a result he tends to do very little. If I ask him to he will take him and play or hold him for 5 – 10 minutes but after that he puts him in his bouncy chair and continues with whatever he was doing without interacting with the baby at all. I try not to interfere but it breaks my heart to see our generally cheerful son’s face as he looks at his dad for some attention and smiles without getting any feedback and I usually end up taking him for playtime with me.

On a practical level I also need a break in terms of nappy changes and settling for sleep. I need to know that if I want to or have to go out for a couple of hours they will be OK together and my son will not be left crying because his dad doesn’t know how to comfort him and will give up on trying -- as happened on the one time I have left them together for more than 30 minutes when I had to go to a work meeting. As a result of this one time I have been reluctant since to leave them alone together and for my own sanity I need to get out more!

I really need some advice on how to help my husband understand that baby needs his dad to pay him attention, comfort him and really interact with him and ways in which I can help my husband to learn the skills necessary to manage the baby (without telling him how to do things as I am conscious he will have to learn his own way of doing things). Also any thoughts on activities they can do together bearing in mind that we live in a very polluted and “park-less” city which means going for a nice long walk with baby in the kangaroo pouch (which they both enjoyed when we were recently overseas) is not really possible.

I am concerned about the long term ramifications that the lack of interaction will have on their relationship and would really appreciate any advice you have on this."

I really love the internet. It makes me so happy that my dorky little site can help people connect with each other and help each other all over the world.

It sounds like one of two things is happening here. Either your husband just hasn't figured out that he's the dad yet (which I can understand, since while 12 weeks is an eternity in some ways, it's a blink of the eye in others), or he's feeling conflicted or stressed and is showing that externally as indifference.

It's entirely possible that he just hasn't figured out that he's the dad yet, and that he's got to be the one who actually takes care of the baby. At that stage in the game I can still vividly remember hearing my older son cry and thinking "When is this baby's mother going to come take care of him?" and then having that thunk of realization of "Oh. I'm the baby's mother." And that was after the whole pregnancy and labor and delivery and leaky boobs and all of that. So I'd imagine it's even harder for a man, who doesn't have that constant physical reminder that he's now in charge of caring for a teeny tiny person.

I also think some men just have problems connecting with their children when they're tiny and not so interactive yet. You hear stories over and over again about men who barely pay attention to their babies but can't be dragged away from the same children as toddlers. Once kids can talk and walk and play, it becomes easier for some fathers to connect with them. So a lack of bonding and interest in the baby stage doesn't mean a man will never interact with his kids ever.

I think it's also possible that he's feeling pressure and anxiety about being a new dad and being so responsible for your son and the family, and that it's making him curl back into himself. What seems like indifference could just be fear and stress. (If there are any dad readers who'd like to comment about this, please do!) I think for women, we take so much of the parenting hit physically, between the sleep deprivation and constant carrying and feeding and everything else, that it's hard to remember that the men are also in the middle of a huge change, and feel pressure and fear and can be as overwhelmed as we are.

Now clearly it doesn't help anyone for your husband not to be doing any care of the baby. Especially when he's the only one in charge. I don't know his personality of how best to approach him about it, but I generally think honesty is the best policy. Simply stating what you've observed and asking him how he's feeling may help get to the bottom of it. If he really just hasn't connected yet, you may have to lay out expectations (i.e. if the baby's crying, pick him up and go through the routine until he's settled again). If he's feeling stressed and is withdrawing because of that, then you have a bigger opportunity to grow closer by working through your stress and all these changes together.

That sounded really Pollyanna-ish, didn't it?

I do think that if you both can acknowledge how you're feeling at this super-stressful time of life, and work together to help each other out (which means he needs to learn how to care for the baby) you can grow together and be stronger. If you let things fester, it'll make everything worse. So you're going to have to have the crappy conversation.

Comments? Again, I'd especially love to hear the male point of view on this.

Comments

[shirky]

I say tell him to make up some games. I invented "flip the pancake" which gave everyone else a heart attack but amused the baby no end. It's pretty much what it sounds like--hold baby horizontally facing up and flip him so he lands in your arms face down. I KNOW it sounds terrible but it's so fun, and didn't feel unsafe (I felt in control). my wife invented "popcorn" where she sat on the floor and held baby facing her, and popped him up and down, like popcorn. You say "Flip the pancake" every time or "Popcorn!: and eventually you just say those words and they crack. up.

[trope]

Hello Kelly! Your post really resonated with me, not because my partner is at a loss but because even at 7 mo, *I* often am at a loss as to what to do with this young babe. I will turn our son over to his dad and listen to them play in the other room and think to myself, "How's he *doing* that?" For me, it's a little bit of PPD I'm still shaking, a little lack of baby training, a little bit of rebellion at not having my old schedule and routine. I think there are a whole bunch of possible factors making your partner less interactive, but I don't know him and am not going to guess at them.

I am the queen and master of calming McFussypants, though. For me, it's helped to narrate my actions for my partner, as well as providing something for me to talk with the baby about: "Let's see, I just changed your diaper, and you nursed half an hour ago, so you probably aren't hungry or dirty. What's making you upset? Hmm, our other choices are hot, cold, tired, or bored. You don't feel hot or cold, so let's walk around and give you a change of scene, and if that doesn't work in ten minutes we'll try giving you another nap." It's easier with young babes because I feel like mine only had six issues to troubleshoot: hungry, dirty, hot, cold, tired, or baby angst. As he gets older, our son's baby angst is resolving into bored/frustrated/teething pain/earaches/lonely, some of which are fixable and some not. But if you can make a flow chart for your partner of your "routine," maybe he'll feel less at a loss. It's really helped my partner. His flow chart has seven steps: change diaper, take some clothes off, feed the baby, put some clothes back on, walk around, encourage sleep, and if all else fails GO FIND MOM.

We also have a kiddo who likes long walks in the baby carrier, and thank heavens he was a summer baby, because we used to take three walks a day (which probably saved both our lives on maternity leave). Since it's 14F out now, we strap him into the sling and walk around the house, narrating stuff for him. Last week when he was sick and I was desperate I put him in the sling and walked up and down the stairwells in our apartment building, pointing things out. It's not as good as outside, but it's something. Also, malls/libraries/grocery stores/plant stores, if any of those are in your area, might substitute for outside. Good luck to all three of you. This too will pass.

[Rebecca]

My husband also had a lot of trouble around that age (he also had an evil boss and misdiagnosed bipolar). Around that time, the baby didn't sleep well by himself and my husband wanted to stay in bed all day. So he would snuggle up with the baby and watch tv or sleep. It meant I wasn't stuck in bed at naptimes and the two of them bonded a little. (Now, at 16 months, they still snuggle up for bed, so I can work at night.)

When he was feeling better, my husband liked to bounce the baby on the bed and sing silly songs.

[Alison]

Oh Daddy-ing. I think it's probably a pretty tough gig. Just this week a friend in our homegroup broke and down and sobbed about his ambivalence about being a father to his 2 kids. It's harder than we think I think.

That said, my practical tip for every new father is "Become an Expert" and it's companion tip for new moms, "Let Dad do it Wrong." The easiest task for this is bathtime. I have given T. one bath in her lifetime and I did it poorly at that - every other bath has been with Daddy-O. The upside to bathtime is that Dad HAS to pay attention the whole time. And the more he pays attention, the more he realizes how much babe pays attention and it grows and multiplies as the babe gets better at responding and now at 7.5 months it is a big old hootenhanny in there.

Oddly, there is also research that shows strong correlation between dads doing baths and children's long-term self-esteem (as seen on "Child of our Time").

SJ does bath from beginning to end. It's 20 minutes for me to be responsible for nothing and 20 minutes for them to be just the two of them and have their own relationship. And a fun side-effect is that now that we're swimming, T totally prefers being with her dad in the water - he's the water guy I guess.

Good luck!

[cloud]

Hi Kelly, my Hubby was a little unsure of himself at first, too. This was understandable- he'd never even babysat before! The turning point for us was when I had an all day event that I went to at about 6 weeks old. Hubby had to figure out his own way of calming the baby, etc., and he did. In the early stages, he put her in the Baby Bjorn a lot and carried her around the house. He also took lots of walks with her. Now that she's older and more interactive, they play a lot.

I've been to Bangkok and hear you on the polluted, park-less city problem. I remember that you had some excellent malls, though. Are you near any of those? I would think that would be a great place to go for a walk with the baby for a change of scene.

I'll also say that I think its totally normal for the Mom to have an easier time figuring out what the baby needs. Our brains change to help us learn this when we become mothers. My Hubby will still sometimes be trying to play with Pumpkin to make her happy when what she really wants is to eat. The way to help with that is to see if your baby has settled into any sort of schedule/routine, and let your Hubby know what that is. Of course, you have to make it clear that this is not THE schedule, just a guideline of what is likely to happen over the course of the day.

Good luck!

[becky]

my husband and i had this issue only a couple of months ago (our son is now 5 months old). every time i asked him to hold our son, he would do it for as long as it took to get him into the bouncy chair or the crib and he would go right back to whatever he was doing. whenever our son would cry he would ask me what he was crying about, even after i explained the (very short) list of possibilities and the differences in cries. he just couldn't hear the things i heard in our sons cries and i think it was just one of the things that made him feel like he wasn't really useful yet in the situation. i finally just had to explain that it didn't matter what he felt prepared for, he just needed to take care of his son so i could have some time. i still worried that their relationship was going to be based on a foundation of my son's disappointment at his fathers lack of attention. but now, just a few weeks later, they have a wonderful relationship. as soon as our son began to smile more and respond in ways that my husband could really understand my husband began to play with him and actually seek out time with him.

[Julie]

When baby is born, you stop being a "regular person" and develop Super Mommy Spidey Sense. It's one of those superpowers that does not get a whole lot of press. But as any mom will tell you (and you probably already suspect) very real. You know when you baby is *about* to wake up. You can detect what baby wants without words. It's like those people who can talk to animals. Same tree...different branch. Dads, sadly don't develop any superpowers, and it renders them somewhat useless for that first year. Which can cause all kinds of resentment of varying flavors.

Let daddy do it wrong - that's good advice. Now *I* didn't do it that way.....mostly because I'm a control freak and am paying the price for that now. I do everything. But I strongly recommend that *you* do that. Even if baby cries the whole time. He WILL figure it out. Eventually. But remember, it will take him longer due to the lack of Spidey Sense.

I remember talking with friends with kids around the same age as Alex that our husbands would come home from work, want to play with the baby....do so for about 30 seconds, then put them down and resume watching tv. And all the while they *think* they are logging baby time. But they're not because they're really watching SportsCenter. Just because the baby is in the same room doesn't mean they are spending time together. And I would like to say that not all dads are like this. Some even develop their own superpower, but I have found this rare in my non-scientific research.

It gets better. Your partner loves your son, you say that right off. He just doesn't know how to interract with an infant because of said lack of superpower. His ablities will evolve over time. Don't teach him *your* way, let him figure out his own. And talk to him about his feelings. You might be surprised at his own level of anxiety. When baby cries, it creates a very physical response in dads as well as moms. All knowledge goes out the window. Which makes the Spidey Sense very handy.

Good luck. They will find their own relationship in their own time.

[Emily]

These are some great suggestions, and rather than add more, I want to tweak one thing that Moxie said. My husband and I see a couples therapist to work on communication skills, and the therapist (male) feels strongly that
"how do you feel about this" is a very difficult question for men to answer, and it makes them retreat, because they aren't used to identifying feelings and chances are, they are feeling many things at once. He suggests, "what is this like for you" or "what's the hardest thing for you about this" - that way, they can give descriptions, and the feelings slip out too alongside.

Good luck, and hang in.

[hedra]

My DH may pop in later. For now, I recall that for him it was around six months along that he went 'whoa' and it all clicked. Before that, he was great, because he'd had loads of babysitting infant relatives already (I was the newbie with babies, not him).

Other dads I know have needed to have a task assigned for them, that was JUST theirs, in order to jump-start the process. For some, it is nap time (daddy snuggles with baby), others it was bath time. Some had just a certain time of day diaper changes (all changes between X and Y time are yours), and others were less clockwork (we did a lot of 'I did the last poopy diaper, you're up!').

A lot of guys seem to be very experiential in this process - they have to know when they're on, and once they get used to that, they start to grow the ears, and understand the process.

I know I kind of freaked out one time when I had left G asleep on the bed next to DH, and went to take a shower. I got out of the shower and heard just horrible screaming baby sounds from the next room. I leapt naked and dripping from the bathroom to find... DH still asleep, head right next to screaming baby, and NOT WAKING UP. He had no ears for it yet. It was 'just noise' and not 'alarm system WAKE NOW!' I was relatively horrified - how could he not just be electrified by that sound in his ear? But, in his brain, that sound wasn't linked to 'I need to take action' - it was still linked to 'Mommy needs to take action'.

Now, a few years later, he could wake up at just the sound of a child starting to slide out of bed - BEFORE he hit the floor, and often able to catch him before he hit, at that (we coslept, and while it isn't a far fall and it is a padded landing spot, it isn't fun, either).

And likewise, we discovered that the ear can be pretty finely tuned per child, too. When the twins were born, we divided up by older/younger - I had the twins (being the lactating one), and he had the older two kids. He could sleep through the girls waking sixty times a night, screaming mad and miserable, but if one of the older two said 'Daddy?' he was UP.

And here's my plug for guys being given LONG spans of time to learn this. DH quit his job and stayed home, I went back to work. I got a few different reactions from different people -

Some men: 'what, is he working from home or something?' (aka - dad's job is work, mom's job is home, if you're home, you're still working, yes? Please say yes! Dad works. He just DOES.)

Other men: 'I wish I could do that.' (aka - I miss spending time with my kids, I would love to not work, I think it would be easy, etc.)

Some women: 'Aren't you worried the baby will love him best?' (aka - um, serious competitive streak. YIKES. And yes, people actually said that to me!)

Other women: 'Do you trust him to do that?' (aka - my husband can't hear the baby cry, how could he cope all day long for months?)

Still other women: 'Man you are so lucky - now you'll have a DH who will never ever come home after you've been with the kids all day and say 'you just had the kids, why is the house a mess and dinner not made?' (aka: reading it like it is)

Those last women had it right - it takes a large span of experience of being on call all the time (or for many hours) for the learning to set in. I figure about three weeks straight is good - in one week, they can fake it and fudge it and it all works out okay. Second week, they start falling apart and start scrambling and wonder why it's so hard all of a sudden. Third week they reasses and build skills and get a grip on the fact that it is HARD and it is constant and it can be exhausting.

So, presuming your DH/partner cannot stay home - what then? Parsing it out in 30-minute increments may not get them past that first week's experience level. At 12 weeks, leaving for a long span of time (3+ hours) feels a bit crazy. But, 3+ hours may be what it takes. And not once, but several times. That's kind of hard on everyone, though. It's entirely okay to NOT make everyone crazy that way. It might work, and then, it still might not and you'd have angry resentful partner and unhappy baby and mommy.

The long run does seem to work out. So, all that said, the best answer is likely Moxie's - recognize that the pattern is different, and understand that there may be more than shows on the surface, and talk and explore together. Assigning him something that is just his time - and something that takes longer than a few minutes, like bath and/or nap, may help jump-start the process. But part of the process is in the talking it out. Remember that as new as you are in your role, he is also. He may just be trying to hide from that fact, or he may not have noticed it yet. Stay clear that you don't want to be teaching him how to be a dad, but you want him to learn his own way.

Also consider books for him like "Real Boys" and "Raising Cain" - both deal with how the father deeply and profoundly affects the emotional life of boys. Other things do, too, obviously, but if he reads those (put them in the bathroom and remove all other reading materials, LOL!), he may change his perspective on what the role of father is, and what the relationship means (did his father just read the paper and glance up from time to time? He may think that's what's right and normal... let mom do the parenting unless there's a crisis or a disciplinary moment required...).

Good luck. I know many moms who have been frustrated by this very issue. It comes. Even the best dads may start out really 'eh, whatever' with babies. Six months seems to be a magic number for lots of dads - that's when the personality fairy comes (per a woman I know, love that concept), and that's when *I* really start enjoying my kids as individuals, and that's when a lot of dads start to notice there's another whole person living in their house. Before that, they're noisy lumps. Other dads do definitely kick in around 2 or 3 years old. Yes, they may have a hump to get over for the bonding if they've left it entirely alone up to then. But no, it doesn't mean there's an eternal wound (though it may - maybe - set up similar patterns in the child's approach to parenting when it is their turn).

Good luck!

[caramama]

I know of several dads/grandads who have this issue, and I think it's really the age and the baby's inability to do much. My FIL, for example, LOVES the toddler stage! He is the toddler's (my nephew's) best friend/favorite person! But when we had our baby, he did NOT know what to do with her. At least he was honest with me and my hubby, telling us that he was not comfortable around babies. He felt like he was going to break the baby when he held her and he was extremely uncomfortable with baby's cries. I really think some people are just like this, but I don't think it will ruin any future relationship between the child and father/grandfather.

But you need time, and your husband needs to learn. There are a bunch of good suggestions already. You said that he did well walking the baby in the sling, and that's what my hubby did a lot of too--the sling or stroller. Often it was just walking around the house if the weather was bad, or around a mall. And I love the idea of bath time as a baby/daddy activity.

I also love Julie's explanation of Super Mommy Spidey Senses! My hubby was really great with the Pumpkin in general, but I would get frustrated that he would assume she was either hungry or tired. He didn't realize that she was in a wet diaper or simply bored.

But we had a talk, and that's when he started walking around with her alot. I also encouraged him to talk or play games like "head, shoulders, knees and toes" or other games we called "hand games." Hand Games are when you move the baby's hands around while they are in your lap (we usually faced her out). Sometimes it was just funny hand motions to silly songs or did hookie-pookie. My hubby also started dancing her legs around in silly ways.

There are some ideas. I hope the conversation that Moxie suggests (great idea) goes well. I'm sure he will find his own way to relate to his son, even if it's not right away.

Also, could you get someone else to babysit while you take a break so that your break would not be dependent when he is comfortable in his relationship?

[Kelly]

Oh yeah, when #1 was born my hubby didn't know what to do and it just drove me nuts to either see him not trying or to see him doing "something wrong" (aka I'd do it differently, and faster, if I were doing it). So I'd take over a lot of the time. We discussed it and I told him what I need from him as a husband, and what the baby needed from him as a father (which he already knew, more or less) and things got better. I also learned to let him learn his own way. That was hard, but it gets easier. Bathtime was strictly the husband's job, and I didn't bathe the baby til he was almost a year old! We also switched back and forth on diaper duty (I change one, then he does, etc) and the same with putting the baby down (I do one night, then he does) though with your son being so young you're not at that stage yet. Once he's waking at night for non-food reasons boot hubby out of bed to take care of him (that's the hardest, since you'll likely end up lying awake, listening to the baby scream for a while).

It will get easier. Try not to nag too much and try to trust your husband with the baby. It sounds easy but it's not and that's ok. It gets better.

[Amy]

Kelly,

Right there with you. I had two children from a previous marriage which made me (still makes me!) the "expert" in the house on baby #3... so, you know, all things baby in the house are my domain. I REFUSE to have it this way. When #3 was tiny, I used to just leave. Yes, he cried (sometimes both baby and hubby!). Yes, hubby was frustrated when I got home. "He doesn't want me, he wants you." "I've never done this before, you have." "I don't know what I'm doing." Etc, etc. It was tough. But I knew that if I were there to catch them both, they'd never establish their own routine.

Let me say, there's no quick fix. It wasn't until the holidays when hubby and I were both home with the baby for 3 weeks (we're both teachers) that it all gelled. Hubby discovered that he could use a bottle to put baby down for a nap rather than needing me there to nurse him. He did the same at bedtime. He discovered that he could make his cereal and feed him his breakfast so I could sleep in (and SLEEP I did!). #3 is 8 m.o. now, so he's easier than a 12 weeker, but if you let him off the hook in the early days, you'll set up a pattern by which he's your responsibility b/c it's easier for you.

I took a note from Sear's on this one. I tried to find something that could belong to just daddy and baby. Actually, hubby found it and I encouraged it. The walk around the neighborhood. I know you can't do this in your situation (and can I add here how much I'd love to come teach in Thailand!), but encourage him to find an activity that belongs just to him.

As for ideas of things they could do, is there an indoor mall where they could just stroll for an hour? A tourist attraction that is nice enough to stroll through once a week?I second the bath idea. Even if he's worried about the bathing part (slippery babies scare the beejeezus out of new parents), he could handle the splashing part for 20 minutes while you got some alone time.

Another thing you might try is engaging daddy in play with both of you. We do lots of peek-a-boo-ing around corners. Lots of joint singing. I try to use this time to introduce new tricks (b/c remember... I'm the expert. not.) that daddy can use when I'm not there. "Ooo, I discovered yesterday that this really makes him smile...". Then I'll catch daddy trying it when he thinks I'm not looking.

Finally, I have hubby read this blog when stuff comes up that pertains to daddy-ing. He feels like the baby doesn't like him b/c baby's so much easier with me. But, that's just babies. I think it helps to remind the daddy of that sometimes. It will get easier...

Oh, one last thing. My hubby bought himself a baby book that he loved... of course I can't recall the name, can't find it on line, and I'm at work... will post it later. It had lots of good stuff for new dad's in a format that had my hubby laughing out loud. This helped him immensely.

[hedra]

Oh, and I find that there's more learning if they know you're not there to come to the rescue and/or you won't be back at an assigned specific time...

Granted, much better if you have a baby who already takes a bottle... (I still remember the agonized look I got when I came home and G had refused the bottle. For two or more hours. Fortunately we later found out it was just warmed bmilk that he disliked, not the bottle per se... boy wanted it cool.)

[cloud]

Here is the best baby book for Dad's. It is called the Baby Owner's Manual.
http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Owners-Manual-Instructions-Trouble-Shooting/dp/B000ENC470/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1201110699&sr=8-1

It was the only one Hubby would read. Several other Dads I know of are the same. And the advice in it matches what is in the bigger, more serious book you're reading, so no arguments over that.

[Julie]

Hedra's comments reminded me of something. My husband takes Fridays off to take care of Alex, and he has done this from day one. It has really helped him develop his own toolbox *without* an audience (read; him feeling like I"m watching over his shoulder to see if he's Doing It Right). It gives him the time and space to try things out....the things that work stick and the things that don't....well I'll never know about those and Thank God for that.

I have noticed though, that when he misses even ONE Friday, there is a disconnect for both him and Alex. If you don't keep your oar in the water at all times, things progress without you and the learning curve starts all over again. They have to re-learn each other....and when multiple Fridays are missed, it takes even longer.

So I agree that more time alone together is probably going to help rather than hurt their relationship and dad's ability to develop his own skill set. It will be hard for you, but baby won't break or suffer from any long-term damage. Agree together on how long you will be gone, talk about what he expects, what will happen, keeping expectations low.....and then just Go.

[Jan]

My husband wasn't in to the tiny baby thing at all. With our first he was kind of ga-ga over her and wanted to hold her. For, like, ten minutes if she was not crying. Preferably if she was sleeping. The second one he wasn't even particularly interested in that (novelty worn off, plus some emotional issues rearing their ugly heads). I wouldn't worry too much about the bonding unless the disinterest goes on a lot longer. It'll come as the baby gets more interactive.

My opinion is that if you want your son's daddy to care for him, you have to LET HIM DO IT. He won't do it the same way you would. Don't take the baby for playtime just because his daddy isn't looking at him enough. Eventually the baby will let him know if he's not getting enough attention. And it's good for kids of all ages to experience different care styles.

I would be concerned about what you describe as 'leaving him to cry'. Can you talk to your husband about that? Are you sure he really just stopped trying to soothe him? I know I have been known to let a kid sit, crying, in the bouncy seat or the swing because I just needed to eat some lunch or go to the bathroom or whatever. If my soothing wasn't working anyway ... I don't know. I'd be much more concerned if, say, you think he put the baby in his bed and just left him crying, going on about his day, pretending it wasn't his responsibility.

This is just a thought (based on personal experience): any chance he's (consciously or unconsciously) playing helpless in the hopes that you'll step in and take over? If he'd sort of rather not stay home and take care of the baby while you're out, then by having one 'bad' day, he's maybe gotten exactly what he'd like out of the experience. (That sounds so awful, but I don't mean it to; I think it's the nature of some relationships to operate that way.) If you think that's what's happening, maybe the solution is to say, in no uncertain terms, that you need some time to yourself every day/week/month and set out your expectations for his role in that. Then let him work it out on his own. (A side note: I'd also make sure he feels like HE is getting sufficient time to himself -- not just work -- and that he is getting some of YOUR time and attention, too. Nothing makes it harder to care for a baby than resentment.)

Does he have any friends or family members whose opinion he respects who have become dads recently enough to clearly remember these early days? A long distance call, email or instant messenger conversation might really help him out. (I'd offer up my own husband for this service, except he thinks the internet is FILLED with CRAZY PEOPLE. Heh.)

I jest, but I know it feels awful right now. Chances are excellent that it'll all work out. Take care of each other.

[yasmara]

Baby carriers of any kind are great for dads and helped my husband bond when our 1st was born. He used the Baby Bjorn and a little later when he became more confident, the sling. Eventually he was the go-to sling guy and we have tons of pictures of our older son riding in the sling with Daddy. I think it really connected them and brought them together.

[Linda]

I think sometimes as women we have a preconceived image in our head of what our husbands will 'look like' as a father, and inevitable when the baby comes- they don't look AT ALL like the father we imagined.

And lets be honest- at twelve weeks a baby IS hard to play with, particularly for men who don't tend to have a repitoire of nursery songs in their head.

I remember with our first son I was concerned about this same issue and luckily he was upfront that he just didn't know what to do with him. Eventually they found their groove but it was probably around 6-7 months when our baby was not so fragile and could respond better to his cues.

When boy #2 came along, he was a little better but not much better through the newborn phase, and even with boy #3 when he's watching him I usually find them sitting on the couch side by side watching some sport on T.V.

However once the older boys were able to walk and talk they are inseperable from their dad. Their relationship is fantastic on a far different level from mine. They read books (differently than I do) they wrestle (grrr) they play floor hockey in the basement and its wonderful. It just all came in time.

It will come, be patient and let your husband find his way without worrying that everything must happen right from the get-go.

[Kim]

The book Babyproof Your Marriage talks about this issue in detail. You're very much not alone! I'm reading it now and it's been a revelation for me, and I wish I had read it earlier in newbornhood. It would have saved me from quite a bit of seething resentment over the division of labor.

(Hoping the book hasn't been discussed to death or maligned on this site!)

[paola]

I'm not going to even try to compete with hedra's comment!!

It took a good 5.5 months for my husband to connect with my son. Not until we all went on holiday together to a place that had no tele, radio and we had lots and lots of time to do nothing, did they bond. Same with my daughter ( in fact we went to the exact same place at the same time in both the kids' lives). Our problem was/is my husband's job that keeps him out of the house at least to 8.00 most nights, and if the kids go to bed before he gets home, you can't expect hubby to take a huge role in caring for them.

What helped with us was finding a regular activity that only dad was involved with. From the word go, dad was the person responsible for baths and as my son got bigger, when dad makes it home for bed time, preparing him for bed (whole toilet routine, teeth, pjs).

I have spent a bit of time in Bangkok, having worked there for 3 months back in 1996. I loved the river/canals. I'm sure kids would love the boat trips, the flower markets with all their colours, not to mention the temples for the same reason.

[Emily]

@cloud - that book was written by our pediatrician!!

Actually, we got it as a baby present long before we knew who he was or even moved to the city where he practices. I only figured it out after we signed on with him. It's a great book and I give it as a present,

[lynn]

Is it that he won't take care of the baby (e.g. bottle, diaper change, put down for nap) or that he's not great at interacting with the baby, which is what your question seems to focus on? Because let me tell you, as a mom of two, I find little babies sooo boring, and if I could put the baby in a seat or swing with the sounds and lights playing, and go back to reading the newspaper, that's all I'd do. I admire people who give lots of face and active engagement time to tiny babies, but I can't stand it for more than a few minutes at a time, myself.

That said, I don't think that tiny babies need that much, either, and that what worked for me with my kids was a lot of walks in strollers and other outings to fill the time. There must be some way to get them out together? My husband used to put the baby in a bjorn and go grocery shopping, which baby loved, or as someone above said, how about a mall? Even wearing the baby in the house, especially while walking around - vacuum, maybe? Or talk on the phone? Or pace around while listening to the radio or watching TV? My husband used to read the newspaper to baby - he could read about the federal reserve board raising interest rates, but if he read it in a singsong storytelling voice, baby was captivated. Bottom line, I find baby play boring, so I look for compromises.

And as Moxie and others said, it'll get better as baby gets bigger (and more interesting).

[Casey]

Walk out of the door and don't come back for a few hours. Trial by fire - how did you learn how to take care and anticipate the baby's cries? Let your husband figure out what's going on, struggle, and learn from it. It's too easy to let you do what you've always done because you're always doing it.

Your baby will be fine, and it will allow your partner to parent your baby in a way that bonds them together as a pair.

[caramama]

I wanted to add that I think newborns are TOTALLY boring. Until that personality fairy (love it!) comes, there's not much to really do with/to them. The outings were the best for us (grocery store, target, mall) because there was lots of interesting things to do and see without me or hubby having to come up with stuff. I really believe that there is not a ton of actual interaction needed at this stage.

[heather]

Ah yes, I remember this too. 12 weeks is a difficult time and I do think things will get easier as your baby grows and becomes more interactive (really, such small babies aren't much fun!). What worked in our household when we/I had this problem was that when A. started fussing, I said (out loud) what I thought was wrong and what I thought would help the situation, then asked my husband to do it. For example, A. fussed, I said it's about time for a clean diaper, dear husband will you please change A.? I know it's hard when it's much more efficient to do it myself, but in the long run it's better for everyone if we cooperate.

As for activities, what about swimming pools? And seek out other expat new Moms (contact local international schools, social clubs, even embassies!) to form a playgroup/new-mom-get-together-group.

[Jill]

I think it's pretty normal for dads to not feel attached that early... when the baby starts "doing something", then the dads who are at a loss for what to do often check in and finally figure it out.

I think your best bet is to actually leave the two of them alone together sometimes. I found that if I was in the house, my husband would too easily bail and say "I think he's hungry" when he couldn't figure out what to do. And I would always be sort of looking to make sure he was doing things "right"... so if I left the house, they were forced to deal with each other and work it out. Plus I got a break. :)

[kinky]

Dads love "The Happiest Baby on the Block" DVD. It is short, sweet, and gives them something TO DO. Then they become the experts in soothing baby. It really works! Try it!

[Charisse]

Interesting--Kelly, I'm curious about your husband's personality in general. Mr. C also had some trouble interacting with tiny Mouse, though he was quite enchanted by her at the same time. He's somebody who often steps out of a difficult interaction to cool off or get some space from the frustration, and he will still do it sometimes with our almost-4-yo (or with me). He says "well, this wasn't going anywhere and I have something else I need to do"...but the problem (i.e. Mouse needs to get dressed or whatever) remains unsolved. We've talked about it directly and it really is a problem-solving approach thing. "This is frustrating, I'll deal with this other thing and come back to it". He's working on thinking of things as joint problems or interactions rather than one of a set of things he's working with, but it can be hard for the geek personality to process. It may help to be very explicit (which said personality type often doesn't mind).

One thing that helped when Mouse was really little was a suggestion that he talk to her. "But about what?" he said. I told him to just tell her about his day at work, his commute, anything he actually cares about, and she will sense that and respond. It really helped. He also became an expert on the "Happiest Baby on the Block" soothing method that we used. Then, I went back to work at 6 months and he took a 2-month paternity leave. Rubber met road. They got very bonded and have stayed. At some point that will probably have to happen, but you can probably ease it by getting them started now with something they do together. (Even if it is watching sports, if your husband comments on the game and demonstrates stuff to the baby, it could work.)

Hang in there!

[Julie]

I did soooo many crossword puzzles when Alex was a newborn. Yes, infanthood before 5-6 months was a snooze for me. Just not the kind of snooze I needed.

Toddlerhood, while much more interactive, is also sometimes mind-numbing. How many times can you go up and down the same set of stairs??? We're still out there climbing and counting, so I'll let you know.....

[Kathy]

I haven't read these studies personally, but here are two interesting things I've been told sociologists discovered (gross generalizations ahead):

#1 When asked about how they envisioned motherhood, most women talk about feeding a baby, rocking a baby to sleep, holding a newborn, etc. Men talk about teaching the kid to play catch, drive a stick shift, etc. They don't really daydream about the baby stage, and there isn't a lot for them to DO in the first few months (especially if you're breastfeeding) unless you create a task (like bath time) where they are in charge and the expert.

#2 Across the world, when women (not mothers, just women) are handed a baby to hold, they automatically bring the baby upright and hold them against their chest, usually on the left, above the heart. You know, how you hold a newborn. Men typically hold the baby under the armpits, at arm's length, facing them. The first is ideal for comfort, the second is ideal for fun. Both are critical for development. Playing with dad, being held in the air, flipped around, they're all important for the development of strength, balance, and their sense of movement.

Validating that dads do it differently, and that they're way is equally important was important to my husband. It was good for him to hear that he didn't have to do things my way, because the best thing for our daughter was to have BOTH. I just closed my eyes and held my breath when he threw her in the air and she laughed until she puked.

And, yes, I agree, newborns are boring. Angelina Jolie caught a lot of flak for calling Shiloh (the only kid she met as a newborn) a lump or whatever, but they're not terribly interactive at that age.

But good times are coming! Six months ROCKS! The important thing is for your husband to get connected enough for him to feel important and to be ready to enjoy the awesome phases ahead. :-)

[Alecia]

What worked for us was to define what my husband did really well anyway -- outside of being a father -- and then have him do that for our son. For example, my husband plays guitar, so he was in charge of "music time" from 2 weeks old up until now. "Music time" simply meant (means) playing guitar or other instruments while DS listened (now he plays along and dances), or putting in some music and singing along (not kid's stuff but anything from Wilco to Springsteen). So, to keep his identity from separating from himself too much, he just kept doing what he loved doing but figured out ways to include the baby, even when the baby couldn't be all that "active." Young babies need a lot of language and eye contact anyway, so if the "holding and cuddling" stuff isn't working for your partner, then other ways of interacting would benefit as well!

[rudyinparis]

Hi Kelly,

You mention also that connected to this issue is your need for more alone time... and that really jumped out at me. Like a PP said, can you secure childcare apart from DH, even if for small amounts of time (you probably only need small amounts of time at this point, anyway). It seems that combining these 2 things (your real need for some time with yourself/anxiety about your husband bonding with your child) may make things difficult. I for one would start with just getting the time you need and would take a wait and see attitude with the issue regarding the husband and your child. It's true that tiny babies are not for everyone! Like they say, you need to put your oxygen mask on first, before attending to anyone else. Good luck!

[Heather]

I SO remember this!! My husband was the same way. I *knew* he loved our daughter, but he just didn't pay attention to her the way I did. If she were in the bouncy seat cooing at hime while he was eating dinner, I'd have to say, "Look, at her, she's talking to you. She wants you to smile at her and talk back!" He really just didn't know what to do. He used to go and work on his "projects" in the basement all day long on the weekends, mow the lawn, you name it to get away from her and the responsibilities that went along with her. I was a single parent to her for about 4 or 5 months (although at least I didn't have to mow the lawn, take out the garbage, or cook dinner)...now that my daughter is 11 months, my husband can't get enough of her. He plans his weekend chores and projects so that he does them while she sleeps so he can maximize his time spent with her. Things really got better around the 5-6 month mark for all of us.

[stacy]

Yup, we've been there. Benjamin is 13 months now, and it's really only recently that he has truly started to click with Daddy.

Nursing was a big part of the problem for us. My son wanted to be on the boob 24/7. Still does! So it was very frustrating for my husband that he couldn't whip out the magic boobs and cure everything, the way I could.

But he's got his own groove with the kid now. And we did it just like everyone has said. From the start, Daddy has been responsible for baths, and for diaper changes whenever he's home. At around 11 months, I also started giving my husband even more responsibility at bedtime - and though it was exhausting for him, having him deal with a fussy baby through night weaning did help the bond.

I did a lot of pushing in the early months, "why don't you take the baby?" but found that only resulted in the baby sitting in the Jumperoo while Daddy played on the computer. Even now, my husband's default setting is to be on the computer while the kid plays nearby. I had to accept that I couldn't change this, and instead I work around it. I try to get them out of the house together as much as possible, even if it's just foisting the child on my husband as he goes to run an errand. But otherwise, I just...let it happen. Leave them alone to find their own way. Every now and then lately, I am surprised to come downstairs and see the computer screen dark, while my husband plays with my son. It's gotten much better since birth, and will only continue to get better as the child grows and is able to communicate.

Patience. I think it just takes a lot longer for the Daddy gene to kick in.

[hedra]

Yeah, for the research-minded folks... read a very interesting study that showed that the greatest emotional resilience was generated by having two VERY DIFFERENT parental responses to infant/child needs. If both are 'hang back and let kid handle it', kid is emotionally fragile/at risk for emotional issues/depression/etc. Surprisingly, if both parents are very in there and supportive and right on top of things, kids ALSO end up emotionally fragile. (That shocked the researchers, it seems.) But where one parent jumped in and helped up close, and the other kind of let things fall where they may and did the buck-up/you're fine/woo, hey, you fell down, cool! kind of reactions (regardless of who did which one), the kids seemed to get what they needed to be emotionally strong, but still in tune and trusting.

So, yeah, what they said about dad having his own strengths and playing those into his parenting, and not needing him to be just like mom. I particularly love the 'find his strengths FIRST, then have him explore those with baby' comments - because that's what we did with the GRANDPARENTS roles. And hey, why not dad, too? For grandparents, I figure what lights them up would be what would be fun for them to share, as it is really the 'being lit up' that is fun to be around. I mean, if the grandma hates walking through museums, the kid is going to learn that museums are boring if that's what they do. But if she LOVES walking through museums, the kid may still think grandma's nuts to love museums, but they'll enjoy being around her being nuts about museums, and maybe the excitement will engage them, too.

And I love you people. I can go on for forty paragraphs, and you all come in with two and capture the essence that I was prattling endlessly about, in two. Me and brevity don't get along much. ;)

[Blythe]

As usual, great advice from commenters above.

I realized a few weeks into the parenting gig that my husband and I needed to have direct, clear conversations about taking care of the baby. At one point, he said, "Please just tell me what to do and I'll do it." I realized I sort of resented the fact that I'd read all the books and had the Spidey Sense, so I knew more about what was going on. (Moxie did a great post about this, I'm not sure where it is, maybe search the archives??) I wanted him to figure it out, just like I'd had to do. Not a very productive move on my part. Once we sat down and had a calm, clear conversation about what I'd found that worked, he was more than willing to help.

Speaking of calm conversations, make sure you have these discussions in a relaxed environment, away from the situation that's bothering you. You probably don't need a reminder of that basic piece of relationship advice, but somehow I usually managed to forget it in the middle of the night when the baby was crying and I was crying and my husband was clenching his teeth and we were trying to figure out WHAT TO DO. It all seemed much more reasonable and manageable in the morning, when the baby was sleeping and we were happy to have survived another night.

And - I can relate to your feelings of isolation. We're an expat family too, and sometimes it's really rough. But hang in there, there will be times when you are glad to be hundreds of miles away from all the advice!

[sue]

I think that a lot of dads have this problem. My SIL says her husband is compleely disinterested in their kids until they're old enough to bribe with chocolate or donuts. He's just not "into" babies. I've been fairly lucky with my husband, who is extremely hands-on, but i remember a time in the beginning when he was fairly disengaged. Of course, I was, too - we had an extremely colicky baby and I had PPD. It worked itself out as she got older. I remember sking him (probably when dd was about 2) why he didn't help me more with my PPD. I vividly remember him saying "how could I help you - I was overwhelmed and depressed, too" I had had no idea, since I had been so wrapped up in my own stuff. We had also had several big changes that year - moving to a new town far FROm family, a new stressful job for him, no job for me, etc - so you might want to conisder that your husband might be having some adjustment issues/depression and disengaging as a way of coping with them.

If you don't think it's that, just remember that kids usually don't remember anything from before they are three years old. That thought has gotten me thorugh any number of "omigod, I'm going to scar her for life" situations.

[Julie]

No Hedra, you're not brief. But you and your beautiful metaphors that resonate so deeply are one of the reasons this site is so very special to me.

[Julie]

My rule of thumb for tough conversations.....sex first. Everyone is kind of relaxed and happy and much more open to hearing what the other person has to say. Just make sure hubby is sitting up when the conversation starts or you'll be talking to a snoring lump of a man.

[Christiana]

I skipped reading others comments for now (I'll come back) because I have to get back to work, but I have another thought on the "why" because of my own experience with my father.
Is it possible that your partner doesn't really see the baby as a real person? Before there was much interaction coming from me (in those very early days) my dad didn't really see me as a person - more of a doll. Sure, he liked to cuddle me when I was fresh from the bath, smelling good and sleepy, but day to day interaction? No way. You might need to gently remind your partner that your son IS in fact a person, not a doll and needs interaction to help him develop into someone who does and can react more, etc. It's a process. Just a thought.

[pnuts mama]

julie- i am glad i wasn't drinking anything when i read your rule about sex first then convo- i was lmao! too bad it is a sleep-inducer in this house or i'd consider it...

sue, one of my favorite quotes is "there's a reason why we don't remember anything before the age of three!" love it.

such great suggestions from everyone- i totally remember nursing being the big wall between my husband and pnut at that age (and for many months after)- and i had to be out of the house for *hours* while i was in class every week- yikes! pnut would scream and scream with him and boy did that put a damper on his enthusiasm for spending time with her. plus, newborns *are* lumps. squishable and cuddly but not really interactive or interesting. many times i found them passed out on the couch together. and eventually, i let it go and was ok with it.

quick ideas-
totally have him wear the baby and send them on indoor errands- groceries (even if it is three easy things on a list), baby store or toy store or book store (or something similar in thailand?) so they can look at bright colored soft toys and books together, the mall to buy socks for baby (or whatever he's grown out of), a museum to see what types of visual stimulants baby is into. these types of activities were great for my husband b/c then he felt a sense of accomplishment and spent time with baby simultaneously. also second the suggestion to encourage him to talk to baby describing whatever they're doing at the time. the vocal cues will be another way to bond.

in the house- totally hand baby off to dad for diaper change and stay out of the room for it. he'll figure it out, and do it his own way, and be fine. if you're nursing, hand baby off for burping *every* time- my husband developed champion burping skills that i was sincerely jealous of. if you're bottle feeding, have dad give the bottle whenever he's home- get out of the room and say "i have to fold laundry make a drink check work email whatever" have him give baby his bath *every* time- just have it be their thing to do together, and make it a given. have him read baby a book before bed every night. have him "exercise" baby on floor doing tummy time, etc (all great things to start after a pediatrician visit, like say- the dr said we should be doing ___, can you do ___?)

eventually they will develop a bond that you'll never imagine you ever questioned. and that's awesome. at 2.5, i can't believe the way that pnut and her daddy are bonded and love each other and play together and have inside jokes together if i were to ever base it on the way they were at 12 weeks. i just think it takes time, like any relationship, for feelings and bonds to develop. best of luck to you!

[PrehistoricMama]

My DH went through PPD right along with me, although neither of us realized it at the time. In fact, I think his reserves were even LOWER than mine. Depression can seriously hamper connecting with the baby, so do find out somehow how your husband is feeling inside. He may be ashamed of how awful he feels when the world tell us everything should be so damn fantastic once we have children.

The 4th trimester is really tough, and the babes are pretty much like caring for a pooping, crying, hungry backpack. But, OMG, when that first smile comes, or laugh, suddenly light shines in.

I had to have "the talk" with my DH about his lack of interaction with our son. He wanted to, but just didn't know how. If your husband can't stomach the face-to-face interaction (which most of us moms also find breathtakingly boring for the first 4 months), just have him scoop up your son and include him in his day. Watching TV? Hold baby, narrate TV show. Reading newspaper? Hold baby (or put baby in bouncy and face him) and read aloud. Doing dishes? Wear baby and talk about the dishes.

I think we make it way harder on ourselves than it needs to be (myself included in that). The bittersweet side to your problem? All too soon, your son will only want Daddy, and will yell, "No! Daddy!" when you try to do something with/for him. This is where we're at. It's wondrous to behold. :o)

[Colleen]

I remember starting to feel these exact frustrations about three months ago (mine is 6 months this week). My husband, who has been in love with my son from day one, works a great number of hours as an attorney and has a high tolerance for messes, hot and otherwise, and a serious sports viewing habit to boot. He's always been into playing and interacting with baby, but when it came to offering that hard fought bottle of pumped breastmilk in the evening or soothing to sleep, he played as though he didn't know it was part of his job or worse, like he was just biding time until I would jump in to feed or put baby to sleep. PASSIVE AGRESSIVE MUCH?! In the beginning, my mother came to help care for us while we learned to care for our son, and he happily allowed her to walk our dogs, clean our house, while he watched sports, checked in with work and read a novel--then bragged to folks at work about how he read a novel while on paternity leave--blurgh. It probably took until our son was three months, still not taking a bottle, and my husband was bragging to a long distance friend on the phone about that stupid novel that I lost my cool completely and told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to PICK UP THE BALL (sorry for the yelling here) AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO HELP ME so that I would not throw myself off the roof. After several months and many meals that took five times as long to cook as they should and some rough evenings listening to the baby cry as daddy is trying to put a boob addicted boy down, we're both happier that he feels more confident getting the job done. I do think that taking care of home and baby is work and dad needs to have a competence before the joy of it really comes. That first night that he put the baby down without me, he was beaming with pride. For me it took a bit of outrage and communicating that the work may appear to do itself, but it doesn't. There are still highlight reels that can't be missed and I have to articulate everything I need him to do step by step (I love the flowchart idea from above), but at least there is a mutual expectation. At six months baby is so communicative that I have a tough time believing he won't be rushing to play with your kid the second he walks in the door.

[sam]

I don't have time to read all the other comments in depth as my DH is making me dinner (I know - I'm showing off!!) so apologies if I repeat what has already been said.

I agree with those who have mentioned Harvey Carp's Happiest Baby on the Block. It tells you what to do to soothe an infant and having that list can be useful to a fella, it doesn't rely on any instinct (plus, it totally worked).

A baby carrier - fab for naps, but I understand you need to find somewhere for your hubby take him. Mine sorted out the ipod and either listens to music or an audio book as he walks so he doesn't care where he walks as he is being entertained and it really helps with bonding.

Massage his ego when he does do something. 'Oh, you're so good at that' 'he's never that good for me when I change his diaper', 'he loves it when you do that with him'. Having a little baby is scary, esp. for daddies, show him you have confidence in his abilities.

Finally, when I am feeling stressed with what is going on, I send hubby an email. Sounds silly, but he checks his emails and I know he'll take my words more seriously once they are written down.

I'm sure, like people have mentioned, it will get easier for him once the personality sets in.

My hubby would be well up for some male bonding on this blog. Perhaps Moxie could set up a day when the men share their worries/experiences/advice re: all things babies.

[caramama]

Really good points about hubby possibly having PPD! My husband did get a bit of it to go along with mine, and it made the sleepless nights and stressed out days between 3.5 months and 7.5 months extremely hard for both of us.

julie - Problem with sex before talk is that I'm the one who wants to fall asleep after! But great idea!

hedra - I'm just waiting for you to start your own blog so I can read more of your paragraphs of good stuff!

Okay, I'm done for the day! Last comment, I promise. Now, I'm heading out of town and leaving baby home with daddy until Saturday morning! Isn't this a timely Moxie post for us? Luckily, she's 10.5 months now and a bit easier to deal with (mostly).

[mat]

While I was really into the baby-care from the start, I don't think that's the case with most dads.
Alot of us just have no idea what to do with these tiny, seemingly fragile creatures and can only think -DON'T KILL THE BABY!- best to put her safely in the bouncy chair.
Some of my friends are just (barely) able to interact with my daughter (now 3yrs), and she's pretty chatty and outgoing.
I recommend telling dad not to drop the baby *too* often. Oh, and give him some time (to figure it out) and assignments (to make him figure it out [I like that bath idea]), that kid's just barely arrived.

[Patti]

I haven't read all of the comments so I may be repeating some.

My husband was the same way (I thought). It drove me nuts to watch him "take care of" our daughter because he would just sit her on his lap and surf the internet. It bothered me at first, but I realized as long as they are both happy, I should just let it go. When you are sleep deprived, you have to pick your battles. I realized it was more of a control issue for me and if I just let go, I could see that he loved her and cared for her just as much as I did, just in a more relaxed way. I learned to compliment him and positively reinforce any way he helped with her, and he would always be willing to help more if I took note of what he had done.

Also, just leave for 3 hours. Just leave. Let him figure it out...I promise, the baby will be fine, and your husband will be more understanding when you tell him what a hard day with the baby you had :)

[cloud]

Julie, I love your idea of sex before serious talks. I suspect my Hubby would appreciate it, too. Heck, he might even start coming up with topics to discuss if he knows he gets sex first. (:

I just wanted to add some motivation to all of the excellent advice- it is soooo great to have your husband be able to get the baby down for the night. We alternate nights doing the bedtime routine. Or we used to- we're actually in a "daddy only" phase right now. Having someone else be able to put the baby down for the night is a wonderful thing. I think we started this at about 4 months, so it is definitely worth getting your hubby more comfy with the fathering thing by then.

A side benefit is that Hubby's baby-bouncing skills are so great that he is now doing an excellent job of nightweaning Pumpkin. I'm amazed at our progress. (BTW, we're using the "delay the feeding" method that Stacy described in an earlier Ask Moxie update, which seems to work better for us than the standard "decrease the feeding" method.)

[Sherry]

Been there. Done that. I think it almost always gets better naturally as your baby gets older. As far as getting yourself some help now, I think I'd tell him you are losing it and if you don't get out and get a massage ... get a haircut ... get some new clothes ... whatever, you may jump off a bridge. And then just trust that your baby will survive while you are gone and it will be okay.

[clara]

ooh, some of these comments are making me sad -- I feel like we are moving backward in my family. DH was and is great with the physical "tasks" like diaper-changing, feeding, etc. but honestly he seems to be having a tougher time now that DS has been hit by the personality fairy (he's 10.5 months now). Before, DH could stick him in a sling and go about his business, and he happily did so. Now, DS actually wants DH to PLAY!! which DH cannot seem to handle for more than 10 minutes. He wants to read the paper or be on the computer. And there is poor bored and cranky DS who only wants to be noticed. It feels like DH is not that in tune -- I'll ask hey have you noticed DS is starting to do X? and the answer is always no, not really. I feel bad for DS but also for DH who I think is missing out. And I don't know what the fix is.