Check yourself

Last night I met a mom of a 7-week-old. We were talking about how things were going for her, and she said that she was wondering when she was going to start enjoying it, and that she woke up every morning with a sense of dread and a feeling of "How am I going to make it through today?" We were talking about her baby, and she seemed not to know what to say about him.

We talked some more, and it became pretty apparent that she either had mild PPD or was on the border of it. We talked about some things she could do that start feeling better immediately (exercise that works your core--so T-Tapp, pilates, or yoga, Omega 3s at 3,000mg a day, and B complex vitamins) and asked her to talk to her doctor in a few days whether or not she was feeling better, just to get a professional helping her.

As we were leaving, she told me she was glad she'd talked to me, because she'd thought she was just being a cry-baby about it.

That's the thing about PPD. When you're sinking into it, you don't say "Aha! I have this illness called PPD. Let me get some help." You just think things suck and you don't feel very good. And, yeah, most people aren't really loving the gig at 7 weeks, so you feel like maybe it's all normal. But why is it so hard for you? And if you tell your partner and s/he doesn't know what to do so s/he just tells you "it'll get better" then you think maybe it really is just weakness or being a whiner.

It's not. In the first two weeks post-partum, your hormones will be whacked out and you'll laugh and cry for no reason. Past that point, though, if you feel dread all the time, and don't feel joy several times during each day, you're sinking into PPD.

YOU ARE NOT WEAK. Your hormones are out of whack, and you have a treatable illness. You can probably get some relief by making some small changes, you may need meds but you won't have to stop nursing unless you want to, and there is nothing wrong with you as a person. You are suffering from a physical illness.

Over on the left is a PDF you can download with some suggestions of things you can do to help lift the greyness (to me depression always felt like being rolled in that pink fiberglass insulation--I was still there on the inside but I just couldn't seem to interface with the rest of the world) and give yourself a little bit of breathing room. Download it, show it to your partner, and tell him or her that you need help. Start with one or two of the things on the list, and get your partner to call your provider. They will help you.

Comments? Support? Requests for support?

Comments

[Marian]

This is exactly how I felt after baby was born 11 months ago. I spoke to a professional at the hospital where baby was born and she was helpful and said I had PP Stress Syndrome...whatever. I know that I woke up and dreaded each day alone with a colicky baby. Unfortunately partner was little help to me as he had gone back to a very high stress job. Anyway, I got through it with lots of crying on the phone to mom and friends but will know next time to expect it and ask/make sure I get help. Thanks Moxie as always for your wonderful site.

[Sherry]

I wish I'd gotten help earlier. I was miserable. At least I did at 3.5 months, and now I'm fine. I'm on Wellbutrin and I'm nursing (at 9 months), which I and three doctors think is perfectly safe. I've tried other antidepressants and this is the one for me. I might not take it until your milk supply is established, though, just in case it's a factor in low supply.

[pnuts mama]

i'm sending the link for this post as well as the .pdf to all my friends who are expecting soon or just recently had their babies. and remind myself of it this summer when the bean makes his arrival.

i think some people assume the whacked out hormones/sleep kookiness that happens those first few weeks is "post partum depression" and then assume once your hormones settle down and you get a little more used to the lack of sleep then "it's over" without realizing it's much more likely to settle in much later.

i had no idea that the least of my need for help with a new baby would be the first week or two, but more around months 2-3-4. my husband and i have already agreed (right now at least) that he doesn't need to take the week off at birth, i'd rather have him do one day a week for five weeks a few weeks/months later just to give me a break when the sleep dep piles up and i feel that insurmountable wall looming overhead.

to all of you struggling with this ever, now or at any point, much support and love to you. i'm so glad to have found this place and all of you. take care.

[Stephanie]

Great post. Looking back, I know that I suffered PPD, but it took me until about month 5 to realize/admit to it. What's the best way to help someone you think may be suffering from PPD without offending/pushing them away?

I know when my husband we say things to me, I would just get mad.

[hedra]

I didn't recognize it until I was really sinking. I have a little minor bout of it around 8 weeks or so, but then it eases up a few weeks later without much effort. More Omega-3's makes a big diff. But with twins, that bout just hung on. And on.

And I didn't even realize I was working with a low-grade depression to start with. Not even the therapists really spotted that. It had been there so long I was just used to working through the fog. Only after I really crashed with the twins, and found the right balance of supplements for me, did I discover that I could function above the level I'd been at since forever.

Definitely note that it can resurge at the year points for multiples, and it doesn't only start when they're born - it can start later, even up to a year later it counts as PPD. And with multiples, it is still considered PPD for as many years as you have multiples - quads for four years, triplets for three, twins for two full years.

Thanks, Moxie, for keeping us talking about this. It needs to be part of so many conversations we have with others. It needs to be asked before the usual mindless prattle sets in, and always *instead* of 'is he/she sleeping?'

[Shannon]

@Sherry, I wish I had your three doctors. I actually had three different doctors tell me that I couldn't take antidepressants while breastfeeding. The first two actually told me that I SHOULD quit breastfeeding, and didn't understand why I didn't want to quit. (Way to support breastfeeding, medical community!) I went with my gut and kept on breastfeeding, because it was the only thing that made me happy. As it turned out, I had a post-partum thyroid problem that was the cause of my depression/exhaustion. This is a common, but often overlooked, post-partum problem. But I don't mean to hijack this thread here by talking about thyroids, because I do think that PPD is a very serious issue that needs more awareness. And it makes me REALLY, REALLY ANGRY that some doctors refuse to prescribe antidepressants unless you switch to formula.

[Anonymous]

Is it safe to take Omega 3's when breasfeeding? If so, what are some recommended brands?

[JenniferH]

Because I have been through bouts of serious depression throughout my teenage and early adult years, I was on the lookout for PPD and PPP symptoms. My husband and I even discussed the possibility of it when I was pregnant. We wrote down the symptoms to look out for and how to approach it since I knew that I might be more touchy about it if I was in the middle of it.

Surprisingly, my PP symptoms were mild. I had rough days/weeks but mostly felt good about the baby and myself. I even had feelings of deep love, euphoria and excitement mixed in with all the exhaustion. I had problems nursing more than anything else but somehow made it through all that. I'm glad my partner and I discussed PPD before the baby arrived and also continued to talk about it.

Right now we are talking about the possibility of depression or some sort of PPD symptoms once I wean. My son is almost 13 months old and still nursing but starting to wean himself a little. I know that abrupt weaning can cause PPD symptoms but I plan on doing it gradually. Still, I think it's important to be aware.

All that said, I remember not being aware of my own depression when I was in it as a teenager and young adult. It's like being at the bottom of the chasm and not knowing you are at the bottom of the chasm. When I read Plato's "The Cave", it seemed like the perfect metaphor for depression too. You just don't see the light, you can only see what you see because the depression chains you down.

Anyway, Moxie, you MUST write a book. From your advice on PPD to your wonderful posts on developmental spurts, sleep regressions, etc. You are the most valuable voice for mothers on the internet. Truly.

[anon for this]

It took me until my daughter was close to a year to recognize and/or acknowledge my PPD. What did it for me was the recurring -- and very strong -- thoughts that my husband and daughter would be better off without me, as well as one particularly scary evening in which I contemplated a suicide plan. I didn't have much intention of acting on it, but I was sort of watching myself think it through from 10 feet above - sort of what Moxie said about being rolled in insulation.

I called my therapist and my OB, got a prescription for Zoloft and re-started talk therapy. The combination has done WONDERS for my mental state, as has a weekly yoga class. Once spring arrives, I'm hoping to taper off the Zoloft. And if not? That's fine, too.

As Hedra said, thanks for continuing to talk about this. It's really, really important.

[Aaron]

Hedra you are bang on about the fact that it should be the first question out of our mouths instead of, is he/she sleeping. We should be more upfront about it with each other and ask more often how 'we' as mothers are doing/coping. Then after they say 'fine' ask again. I know that my immediate response is always, I'm fine, or, okay. But if someone probed a little I might say that I'm overwhelmed etc...
I know that I have suffered from PPD. It was actually always a fear of mine because I'm an emotional person, but not a outwardly emotional person which I think may contribute to PPD more as it is harder for us to express how we are feeling. Anywho, as people have mentioned I didn't feel it right away, it was later, when N stopped sleeping so well and I was totally exhausted and my husband still acted ambivalent towards N most of the time and was totally clueless to her needs. He would take her and if she started to fuss would automatically say she needs the boob, when in reality she was just bored. Or he would get up in the morning and go about his day like she didn't exist and that she magically changed her own diaper and got dressed. Now I'm starting to vent. My point really is just to support what Hedra said, ask your friends how they are doing and then ask again. Sometimes we need an opening to talk to someone about it. Hang in there everyone!!

[Maggie]

This is such a helpful posting for any Mom that is or has suffered from PPD. I have a 13 month old and my symptoms started when he was about 9 months. It was more anxiety and fear for me and I knew what symptoms to look for as I've had situational anxiety or depression my whole life. Just wanted to say that you will get thru it and you CAN keep nursing. I'm still nursing a beautifuly, happy, healthy baby and am also taking 50mg of Zoloft every day. Moxie-your pdf on PPD has helped me significantly. I'm more aware now than I was before. I take my vitamins, practice breathing exercises and am making an attempt to exercise more. Yoga is tremendous and really does a lot for mind, body and spirit. Keep posting, Moms keep supporting each other, don't make it a competition. New moms especially don't need to be critiqued and interrogated! Lift them up, it's so easy to give a mom a pat on the back for all the good things that she is doing and yet to accomplish. Be Kind...

[wealhtheow]

The vast majority of days I'm fine, but when I have a bad day it is really bad--I'll go into the bathroom and scream until I'm hoarse (so the baby can't see me loosing control). Last week he just wouldn't take a nap and we were both so tired--I was so enraged I scratched my arms until they were bleeding. Now I can look back and see how out of control I was. I'm fine as long as I can get 5 hours of sleep at night, but if I go two days without that I start scaring myself. Is this PPD or just a complete inability to deal with sleep deprivation? If it's the latter, does anyone have any ideas how I can get through that? My son is 2.5 months. Thanks.

[hedra]

Omega-3's are all safe (actually GREAT) for breastfeeding. Check Moxie's info, there's some in there about the supplements. Consumer Reports found that heavy metal contamination is not an issue with fish oil (though a lot of companies try to make you think that THEIR brand doesn't have any contaminants, when actually, none were found to have them... gah, sales fear tactics). Anyway, walmart brand was found to be just great, also costco's kirkland brand, and a slew of others. Inexpensive ones aren't bad at all.

You can also just eat salmon and sardines, though there's more contaminants in the actual fish, because the heavy metals bond to protiens, not fats. So fish oil supplements may be safer than straight fish.

Likewise, flax seed oil is good for breastfeeding - helps avoid blocked/plugged ducts.

[hedra]

For the sleep deprivation plus ppd thing, you can affect both the sleep (a little) and the PPD (a lot). The combo is killer. And it makes it harder to spot the low-grade stuff. I'd recommend assuming that PPD is playing a role, since there are going to be more sleep deprivation cycles for a while. Do everything on Moxie's list for PPD, and see where you get.

I certainly functioned way less well with sleep deprivation while depressed. SERIOUSLY less well. And with the PPD under control, I can have rather a few bad nights without too much impact. Some, yes, but not too much. On the flip side, miss my supplements for a day, and I fog out again. For me, it's like a prescription thing - I absolutely must take them daily. One day without, and it is noticable. Two days, and I'm sinking. Three days, and everyone else is miserable, too, because I'm not-functioning all over them. Best to not skip the one day, in the first place.

Bring up your baseline, and I think you'll be a lot happier. Fix your side of it first - the sleep is a separate (real, but separate) issue. Once you are at your best possible function baseline, then see how much you have to do about the sleep. You may then just be able to hunker and roll with it when things go through the inevitable regressions, then pop back up when they pass.

[pennifer]

I've had depression in the past, so am on the lookout for it now, at home with a 9-wk old. I think I'm doing okay mostly, but it's been raining and/or mostly miserable for weeks with no end in sight AND now I have a head cold, so yes, I woke up this morning filled with dread. And that's even knowing a friend is coming over to visit with her 2yo today. Sigh. Fingers crossed that this too shall pass, but quickly.

I didn't realize that PPD could set in later, so that's handy info.

[SJ]

@Shannon - post-partum thryoiditis for me too. did not get diagnosed until my son was 9 months old (so that they didn't even want to realize that it was a post-partum issue) - that's what happens when NO ONE ever tells you about it and you manage to function despite depression and exhaustion. I really think my primary doctor saved my life by doing the blood test even without my telling him any of my symptoms (being tired just didn't register to me as a medical problem) Only two years later did I realize that I had the hallmarks of PPD too, especially in those early months.
now preg with #2, already in therapy, working to avoid PPD - Moxie, this post is one of the reasons why I keep sending your site to every pregnant woman I know! I wish I had found it earlier.

[cloud]

Just seconding Hedra's comment on fish oil. My pediatrician actually told me to start taking it. I'm asthmatic, and she said there are studies that indicate omega-3s help prevent the development of wheezing in kids.

I take mine every morning. The only negative effect I've noticed is fishy burps midmorning. Yuck.

For what its worth, my pediatrician also recommended vitamin D supplements for me, even though I'm in sunny SoCal. The baby needs vitamin D, and early one we keep them covered up against the sun (sunlight helps our body produce vitamin D).

I never had true PPD, but I noticed a definite improvement in my mood and my mental function after I started the supplements.

[Fahmi]

out of curiosity, can you not have PPD with child 1 and have it with child 2? I was just wondering because I didn't have PPD with my son, but I remember a few days of really being on the edge and crying a lot. And I wondered if we have child 2, if I can think, "I didn't have PPD before, so I won't have it now," or is it just a complete restart and anything can happen?

[Briana]

I don't think I had PPD, but the first three months mostly sucked anyway. When your baby is crying all day long, doesn't sleep unless latched on or being vigorously bounced in a sling AND you're recovering from both a 35-hour labour and a C-section there aren't all that many joyous moments. I did find it easier to cope after two weeks, when the hormones calm down a little, but I really started to enjoy myself around four months. It got better once I stopped struggling with feeling that I should be liking it better. Once I just accepted that I didn't much like it but that there was nothing I was doing 'wrong' - and found this site and saw that there are mothers in worse circumstances and yes, it does get better - I decided to endure and hope that things would indeed improve. They have, so much more than I had allowed myself to hope. The baby still doesn't sleep well, but he sleeps more than he did, and he still loves to be bounced, but doesn't need it all the time, and for most of the day he's a delight.

You don't have to feel that you ought to be enjoying the three-hour colic screaming because 'isn't motherhood great?' It's okay to feel down when life really does suck. If you're in that boat, just hang in there: it gets much, much better!

[marypoppins]

This may sound weird but the PPD I suffered with my first child really made me understand a lot about myself. I have to say I was expecting a bout of it as I had always been emotionally fragile, but mine involved 'intrusive thoughts' along with normal bluesy stuff and I really thought what was popping into my head was a sign of some really serious problems. I spoke to my GP, although I didn't mention the intrusive thoughts, and he gave me some suggestions to deal with the bluesy stuff. Because I couldn't bring myself to talk about what was going on in my head to anyone, I spent a lot of time seeking help on the internet. Eventually I found information about Obssessive Compulsive Disorders and lo and behold, discovered that what I was suffering was a form of OCD. It was such a relief as it explained so many weird thoughts I have had ever since I was a teenager. Things I just thought were weird about me, and not an illness that could be treated. I learned to manage it with cognitive therapy, and fortunately with my second child I didn't suffer from it at all, which was such an enormous relief. I know it is always there,can pop up when you least expect it, but it completely manageable.

My husband gave me so much support during this terrible time. There is a history of mental illness in his family and so he is really unphased about it all and totally unshockable. When I first told him some of the things that popped into my head, he just listened and didn't judge and that's all I neede him to do. I rarely talk about it to anyone as it still is very painful, but I know I have his total support if I need it

[Shandra]

I just wanted to say that it surprises me that women are told to wean asap. Up here after I had my daughter I started pumping in the hopes that she would be able to use the milk.

That didn't happen but I had VERY STRONG advice not to just cold-turkey wean off the pump because that in and of itself could precipitate depression. One nurse told me it could precipitate suicidal ideation. So I took about 3 weeks to wean. So there's some additional thinking about it (I have no idea who is right, just saying.)

[Julie]

Moxie, I think you are a gift from God. Really, you have helped so many people. It's probably hard for you to see that on a daily basis because you are just going about doing your thing - working, kids, family.....and writing a little blog in the evenings. But you have touched so many people through this site. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[Shandra]

Oh also this is interesting... one of the hospitals here has a PPD program, where they take women at risk for it and give them extra supports. Some research has found that extra sleep in the first 3 days after delivery can make a difference in PPD rates, so they are now recommending that people who consider themselves at risk for PPD arrange extra support at home and do nothing but eat, breastfeed, and sleep, for as long as possible - by supports they mean cleaners, no visitors that keep you up, no trips out to the store, etc.

My experience was that I actually wanted to be up, but I toss that out there.

[Michelle]

I had major PPD with my son and minor with my daughter...I just wanted to say thanks to Moxie for addressing this topic in a helpful and consistent way - no one talked to me about PPD (not even my OB with my first child) and I really wish I had something like this site back then.

Thankfully I delivered with a midwife the second time and she and I talked for hours during those first few months and she even helped me with the baby when I got too overwhelmed (my kids are 15 months apart and there were some BAD days in the beginning).

So thank you Moxie...you are doing a world of good for moms all over!

[AmyinMotown]

Interesting that so many of you mention abrupt weaning as a PPD trigger--I ended up weaning abruptly and went really a little bats for a few days. Luckily it resolved itself but that wasn't fun.

Honestly, life sucked so much when I had my first that I don't know if I had PPD or not. I defintely had moments of joy, but my husband had taken a job with a 10 percent pay cut like the week I had her, he had to work a second job to make up the money so he was never home, I had to start working again sooner than I was ready because of that with very little childcare, it was the dead of winter and super cold so going out was hard, and everything just felt like such a struggle. This time, our finances are better, he can take off two weeks and then work every other day or a couple weeks after that, I started fish oil almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant (they work, kids!) and I am used to being a mom now and even kind of love it, and think I am pretty good at it overall. So we'll see how I do when #2 arrives. I worry, but I also feel a lot less pressure this time.

[Nicole]

It should also be mentioned that post-partum anxiety can also be quite debilitating. I was so on the lookout for PPD, but hadn't heard anyone mention anxiety, yet it absolutely bowled me over. And was relentless.

I have this theory that depression and anxiety come from the same place, but that different people process them different ways- either you get anxious or depressed, but whatever is wrong in your brain is similar.

And I think it's hard no matter what, so it can be difficult to discern what is 'normal' versus what is 'I need help'. Maybe just best to assume all new moms need help? Because I'm sure it wouldn't hurt.

[Tzipp]

I wish that my midwives had responded as you had. I was pretty sure something was wrong, as was my husband, but ever professional I talked to assured me it was just sleep deprivation and things would get easier.

6 months later, still crying uncontrollably several times a day (even though I was back at work and had a break from the baby for several hours while working), I finally saw somebody who took me seriously. Within 3 hours (three HOURS!!!) of taking the first pill of the medicine they gave me, I started feeling like me again.

If you even suspect you might be having PPD, make sure you talk to somebody who actually believes that it's a real condition and knows how to diagnose it.

[Sidney]

I didn't know I had PPD until it started to phase out. My first step up was starting the mini pill, the second was going back to work, the third swithing pills after stopping nursing (14 months)and I still think I have it, I am going to talk to my primary care about it when I see her in a few weeks. Mine was never treated because I thought it kept going away (this is the first time I have ever really talked about it). The one thing I know for sure it I never want to feel that way again. I lashed out against my 3 year old, who kept having ear infections. My husband was a full time Architecture student, I had a lot of work issues re the maternity policy, I had a UTI for 8 weeks following my vaginal delivery three different anti biotics. I had help for the first month, after that the PPD hit hard and fast. No one was around to see it, or help me. My husband came home from school to help with dinner and bed time, then left again until 4 am to complete some major project he was working on. I think now about all I went thru and the feelings I had and I am scared. It did change my relationship with my three year old, it changed me, I think for the better. I really don't know where this is going... I am glad to see PPD connect, and have a forum like this to know I am not alone. I wish I would have had a better evaluation for it with my OB, I had planned on talking to her when I went for my follow-up but the baby got hungry and I ended up nursing her instead (story of our life ladies!). I tried to call about holding off on going back to work, and got a staff member that didn't get what I was trying to tell her.
Something more should be done for mama's, a better follow-up process, I would have talked if someone would have asked. I just didn't know how to begin...
Thanks for providing this forum!

[A]

Moxie, I second the thoughts of several other readers...you have truly done such a wonderful service to all us mothers. It is such an awesome blog. I keep checking this blog out even though my children are now older. I wish you had been on with you wonderful comments and the other eloquent readers (Hedra even if you try to break up your long responses with several posts LOL) when I had my first. I am sure I am going to email me some questions on handling the challenges of older children.

[J]

I agree that the first question to new mothers should be about how they are feeling (instead of how the baby is sleeping or not sleeping), but I am not sure that the response from other mothers will always be supportive. I remember telling other mothers who had already gone through the craze of having a newborn (breastfeeding, not sleeping, crying etc.), but most of them seemed to have forgotten how depressing those first few months can be. In fact, I remember feeling like I was very much alone. My saving grace was that my friend Z and I had a baby a day apart and we were pretty much dealing with the same exact issues at the same exact times (give or take a few days). Z turning me on to this site was another life saving measure for me.
However, it seemed to me like my comments about being overwhelmed were often met with a lot of blank stares from other mothers. I felt like I was being judged often and I also felt like other mothers preferred to not discuss their feelings.
My husband and I are starting to think about having another baby and I am already dreading those first months of depression that are very likely to hit me again.
Thank you for bringing up this topic that is so rarely honestly discussed in any private or public space.

[J]

@Nicole: yes! I almost forgot about the anxiety and the restlessness...Oh my God. That was terrible to deal with.

[Charisse]

I didn't have PPD, but one of the things that was interesting to me (and I think a really good thing) was that our *pediatrician* was the person most on the lookout for it. I'm in the US, so you basically leave the hospital and then see your OB again 6 weeks later...but in the interim you have at least 3 pediatric visits (4 days, 2 weeks, 1 month), plus more at 2, 4, and 6 months. We really like Mouse's pedi, and she's at a very forward-looking practice--but I was always struck when she took the time to ask, in detail, how I was doing at each visit. "How are you feeling?...It's great for the baby that she's nursing lots, how are you doing with that? What are your sources of support right now? How are you eating? How much are you able to get out? Are you enjoying Mouse? Are you having any odd thoughts?" She managed to do it in a friendly, conversational way and I'm sure the point was to identify any PPD and refer me if needed. Seems smart--so hopefully that's one more person people can talk to if need be, and if their own Dr. isn't paying attention.

[Melissa]

@Stephanie - I was right there with you. I wish someone had been more firm with me, but when my husband suggested I might have PPD I nearly took his head off, repeatedly. We're at 9 months now and I'm doing better but I SO WISH that I had had this post to read. Great job Moxie!!

[Christine]

Fahmi - yes. I had nothing more than some mild 'baby blues' with my son (cried randomly for the first few weeks after he was born). I figured I was safe this time, although I took the fish oil anyway just in case.

I am in the midst of some whopping PPD now (it got bad when my daughter was 3 months, she's 4 months now). It took me a while to acknowledge it, too, since I had done so well with my son.

[Jill]

I'm getting teary just reading about everyone. I know most readers are already moms, but I wish the information could be widely spread among pregnant women. And, not just the symptoms, but what to do.

I waited five months, living in a fog, crying all the time but trying to care for my toddler and newborn each day. My mind knew something was wrong with me, but I thought I needed to seek out a psychiatrist and the effort to do that was too much. I finally broached the topic with a friend who had been very public about her PPD, and she insisted that I call her OB. Her OB was my OB too! I was on meds within 24 hours. I remember thinking "I'd forgotten what it felt like to be me".

[sam]

I cried out for help from Moxie a few weeks ago. At the time, I was feeling terribly low and just did not know what to do with myself or the baby that seemed to want to torture me with hourly wakings. I have used lots of the advice I was given, including printing off Moxie’s pdf on PPD and giving it to my hubby (which means I get a massage almost everyday).

A combination of the advice in the PDF and all you lot making me feel NORMAL has lifted me so much. However, reading these posts has made me realise that I am probably still suffering with PPD. As Marian said, having a colicky baby and a hubby that is often not around made me dread every evening. Later, the sleep deprivation made me dread every night, and just today I realised that I haven’t relaxed in the whole 5 months I have had DD. If hubby takes her for a walk when I nap, I wake the minute they arrive back, listening to see how everything is.

In all honesty, every day is such hard work when you’re so tired and I do feel anxious all the time. I enjoy her – she’s amazing, but I don’t feel like I’m living at the moment, just existing. I’m waiting for some magic day when it all feels natural, when I feel relaxed, like we’re sharing life together.

I can totally relate to what some people are writing. Some days, I’m fine, but others…I daydream about how I could run away or I formulate suicide notes to my hubby and DD. I wouldn’t run away, or commit suicide, but I think about it when I feel like I can’t carry on like this. Other days, like some else mentioned, I have to leave the room and scream, I feel so much frustration.

As so many people have written, this website is fantastic for its non judgemental, supportive commentators. I am directing my friends who are new mums or are expecting this way as I really don’t know what I would have done without it. It made me realise what was happening and then not feel bad about it.

So, I agree, everyone should check your selves.

QUESTION: How does having PPD affect your relationship with your baby? I feel really well bonded and I love the bones of her but some days, I feel so crappy – tried, frustrated, anxious. I worry that she picks up on it when I’m having a ‘down’ day.

[cloud]

Sam, I think that if you feel bonded chances are you ARE bonded and everything is fine. I'm sure our babies pick up on our down days, but I also think that as long as they are loved and get the care and attention they need, it is unlikely to matter much if we have the occasional day where we have to grit our teeth to get through the baby care.

At least I hope so, or Pumpkin and I are in trouble!

[stacy]

@Charisse - that's an EXCELLENT point. A friend of mine had the same experience with her daughter's pediatrician a few weeks ago. Even though the daughter is a year old now, the ped. asked some caring questions about Mom's state of mind. My friend came home from the appointment a little shocked, she certainly wasn't expecting this from a pediatrician, but it was something she really needed to talk about. It's such a shame that so few women have their own doctors with such compassion.

Also, if you're feeling bad about the birth itself (which is probably a different issue than PPD, though I imagine it can all tie in together) it might pay off to find a different care provider by the time 6 weeks comes along. My midwife did, to her credit, ask me all the right questions about how I was feeling. But I was still so angry at her for betraying my trust and pushing me into an unnecessary induction (which - of course - ended in cesarean surgery) that there wasn't a chance in hell that I would be open or honest with her.

Women tend to give each other the short end of the stick all the time. But shopping for a good doctor - and not stopping until you find one that you really, truly feel you can trust - is worth it.

[mc]

I haven't read all the comments - so long, so interesting! - but I need to say something as the dad in the family:

I wish we'd known, and had figured it out, and hadn't suffered so miserably from it. Oh, god, if only we'd heard this. What we went through, as a result, is a permanent change in our family. It was huge, and it all began with the simple statements of "I'm just really tired," which seemed so innocuous. PPD is a family disease. It's anchored in one person (like lymphonic cancer is anchored in one node) but infects the others (again, like lymphomic cancer). It can be treated. But it starts so slowly, so quietly, and with such simple statements that you don't notice it happening.

[pnuts mama]

i was wondering about all the pg/bf mamas taking fish oil- truly, any brand is safe?

i was worried that certain companies were using questionable sources and that it's not really regulated since it's a "supplement"- i do have a link moxie sent me a while back to a norwegian fish oil capsule that was deemed as safe as you can hope for. so many things to weigh!

i need fish oil or something- this january blah/hormonal whatever is really starting to affect me at times, lack of motivation, the blahs, acting like a jerk to the people i love the most, yep, that's me.

does anyone else remember the post about post-partum rage? i think i had more of that than depression or anxiety. i had a real problem with feeling out-of-control, which i always associated with sleep deprivation. i'd also love to know the link between sleep dep and PPanything- i just know i was such a better person when the pnut was sleeping more than 3-4 hours at a time.

@sam- i used to freak out thinking i was ruining my baby with the way i would handle situations so poorly sometimes. happy to say that so far, she seems fine, and is an incredibly happy kid. bottom line is sometimes everyone has a bad minute/hour/day, and that's just the reality of life. i think as long as it's not a pattern, your kid is going to be ok. so much of the newborn infancy phase is just plain survival. and quite frankly, it can be really hard to get excited over the same shit on a different day- especially if you are stuck inside with a companion that is cute but not really a good conversationalist, and in fact, just cries a lot and depends on you for everything. i found it helped when i looooooooowered my expectations for what i was going to get accomplished (besides keeping the two of us alive for the day) on days that just seemed overwhelming and went on from there, instead of focusing on all the crap i *wasn't going to get done. also getting out for an hour in the evenings to do whatever when my husband would get home just to give myself some breathing room. good luck.

[Lisa]

Sam, I had (and sometimes have) the same worries about the kid picking up on my less-sunny emotions. But I tell myself that, in the long run, the thing is how they see you handle it. (Even in the short run, with an infant, they can learn it's OK to be sad or angry, if you can find ways to show/release it that don't project onto them.)

The other day (cumulative straws: teething/tantrums, computer crash, dumb argument with DH) I was feeling frustrated and sad. It must have shown on my face - my 2-year-old came up to me and asked "Mommy sad?" (I realized I'd been trying to hide it, which of course has its own problems.) I said, "Yes, I'm a little sad, mostly tired and frustrated. We've had a hard day." And then he gave me a big hug. The feelings didn't go away, but suddenly everything was so much richer and more manageable-seeming.

I was so proud of his empathy - and, as my husband pointed out later, I could be proud of how I'd been honest with him without scaring him, too, which made me feel a lot better.

Of course, one of the things about PPD (of which I now see I had a mild case, still dipping back in a bit with lack of sleep) is that it can make it harder to um, "process" those emotions in a way that gives relief etc. But it did help me to remember that this is a long-term thing, and you'll have lots of time to practice.

[Lisa]

Sam, I had (and sometimes have) the same worries about the kid picking up on my less-sunny emotions. But I tell myself that, in the long run, the thing is how they see you handle it. (Even in the short run, with an infant, they can learn it's OK to be sad or angry, if you can find ways to show/release it that don't project onto them.)

The other day (cumulative straws: teething/tantrums, computer crash, dumb argument with DH) I was feeling frustrated and sad. It must have shown on my face - my 2-year-old came up to me and asked "Mommy sad?" (I realized I'd been trying to hide it, which of course has its own problems.) I said, "Yes, I'm a little sad, mostly tired and frustrated. We've had a hard day." And then he gave me a big hug. The feelings didn't go away, but suddenly everything was so much richer and more manageable-seeming.

I was so proud of his empathy - and, as my husband pointed out later, I could be proud of how I'd been honest with him without scaring him, too, which made me feel a lot better.

Of course, one of the things about PPD (of which I now see I had a mild case, still dipping back in a bit with lack of sleep) is that it can make it harder to um, "process" those emotions in a way that gives relief etc. But it did help me to remember that this (being a parent) is a long-term thing, and you'll have lots of time to practice.

[Lisa]

oops - sorry for the double post.

And yes, what pnuts mama said: lowered expectations are good. Did you get dressed, get outside, get both of you fed some time during the day? You're doing great.

[Susan]

Hi Everyone,
I just want to second the applause for Moxie and her site. I found it a few weeks ago, googling something on baby sleep, and have found it an invaluable resource ever since.

Like others I knew going into pregnancy that PPD might be an issue, as I'd been in therapy and on depression meds for about 7 years prior to getting pregnant. I gave up the depression meds in order to get pregnant, and while I felt okay for most of the pregnancy (once I got over the withdrawal symptoms), I started to get very weepy and terribly anxious at the end of the pregnancy.

Fortunately, I had a good midwife who knew my history with depression, recommended fish oil during and after the pregnancy, and who asked about anxiety and depression at all the follow-up visits I had with her.

And while I don't think I have PPD, I have found it very difficult to separate feelings of being overwhelmed and frustrated from the sleep deprivation and the inherent ass-kicking that is the newborn phase. When is it PPD and when is it just the difficulty of being a new mom? Particularly if you have a fussy baby? Some days I feel angry and cry. I too wonder how it effects the baby. But I tell myself that the important thing is, as others have said, not to be perfect, but to let my baby know that I'm there for him, he's safe, etc.

I remember on a particularly dark day feeling like I might have PPD and feeling an overwhelming sense of shame and failure. Like having PPD was to fail at being a Mom. I don't think I'm the only one who feels that way, and that's an attitude that needs to change. Our culture is so willing to sentimentalize babies and motherhood and so unwilling to offer concrete support to mothers and families. Thanks for filling the breach with this site (if only it provided affordable daycare too!).

[sam]

I've admitted things on this blog that I would never admit to my nearest and dearest as I wouldn't want them worrying (or carting me off in a straight jacket). Just the act of sharing is so therapeutic. Sharing experiences like has made me acknowledge that PPD is a very real problem that can be eased and not one that should be shamefully hidden. That in itself enabled me to tell hubby how I was feeling and he is now an even greater source of support.

[hedra]

@sam, re: bonding. The biggest risk to attachment security (the measure of emotional/social function in infants, effectively) is formula feeding plus PPD, the supposition from researchers is that while breastfeeding, you still must touch and look at the baby, even if you feel awful. With ff, for SOME mothers, they can kind of not interact much at all with the baby. And so while they used to say 'PPD is contagious and babies whose mothers are depressed themselves become depressed and it lasts longer than the mother's depression' that is now parsed out in finer detail to 'mothers who interact with their babies, regardless of their depression or not, have babies whose function is within the normal ranges' and 'mothers who don't interact regularly with their babies (when they're together, that is) regardless of their PPD status have babies who become depressed.'

One study went so far as to say that breastfeeding seemed to 'protect' the babies from maternal depression responses, but that's taking it a bit far. It's the interaction that counts. If you carry the baby around while you cry through the day, if you go away to the bathroom and scream then come back and touch and look at (and cry some more), then baby is being interacted with, and that's protective in itself. I know I was really scared by the PPD (and PP anxiety, thanks for mentioning that again!) because the last research I had read was the 'PPD is contagious and you'll affect your baby's attachment security if you wander around depressed'. AHHHHH! Recipe for more depression right there. Glad that they were a bit overstating the case...

Last note: Fish oil - obviously go with a reputable company, but the top 30 brands were what CU tested, and they were all pretty decent and all uncontaminated. And some of the pricey ones had less O-3 than stated on the label, while the Walm*rt had slightly more than labeled, etc.

As for fish burps, keep them in the freezer - it reduces the burps. Or get the enteric coated kind (no burps). Or use Coromega (YUMMY like pudding, mmm - M thinks these are candy, and wants to eat three a day...).

ACK must run!

[hedra]

GAH, wanted to clarify - ff plus PPD isn't a RECIPE for issues, it was just the lower end of the spectrum, in the combo of less interaction being possible plus not wanting to do stuff (PPD) range. Still, most parents even with PPD and ANY feeding cause no measurable problems in their kids.

Long-term, we're resilient. Attachment isn't a lock-in, even kids with catastrophic attachment issues can and do change function over time (going EITHER way, even - which researchers hate to admit, since it is supposed to be 'all set' early on so they can blame it on something in particular - but NO, these things aren't set in stone, our brains are hugely flexible, and we trend toward healthy and normal. SO, do your best, and don't fret, ff and PPD notwithstanding.

Now I'm REALLY late... argh.

[PreSchool Mama]

I was terrified I'd have major PPD after my son was born. My aunts tell me my mom suffered severe depression after she had me. Apparently, she once grabbed me, and ran to the balcony to throw me out! Luckily, my grandparents were at home, and they stopped her. Phew.

So when I had my son, I was quite watchful for any unexplained crying spells. To be honest, there wasn't a lot of PPD. Nothing serious anyway, and it was almost an anti climax because I had come to believe I was next in the PPD line in the family.

[debinsf]

I'm so glad that you continue to bring this up!

I find a fish oil with lemon oil added helps with the indigestion. I take nordic naturals brand and like it.

Also, even a little bit of exercise makes a big difference. A short walk, some jumping jacks, whatever. I'm thinking about trying the t-tapp (I usually hike, but boy! is it pouring), but even ten minutes of jogging in place everyday can be surprisingly helpful.

[Janis]

One thing I would like to add is that for women who have had a traumatic birthing experience either during or post labor, they may also be experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in addition to or even instead of PPD.

I thought I had PPD but then after I got through telling my horrendous birth story to a new therapist she got out her checklist of PTSD symptoms for me to look at and it was like a lightbulb going on for me. Depression and anxiety are symptoms of PTSD as well as PPD but the cognitive-behavioral therapy is different. I had only minimal relief from the stuff I was doing with the old therapist who was working under the premise of PPD. Once I started a PTSD support group/individual therapy I did so much better.

When i am helping a new mom who is dealing with PPD i also ask her for her birth story and if it seems like it was traumatic for her then i will suggest she get screened by a professional for PTSD.