Samantha needs some hugs

If any of you are in HR and would let me pick your brains about something (not my current job--no worries), please email me. Thanks.

Poor Samantha writes:

"I'm at my wits' end.

I don't know where to start.  I do know that my head is pounding and my eye bags are now purple and I long for my baby to sleep for a 4 hour stretch.

I wrote to you over 3 weeks ago and told you how my 12 week old was waking every 2 hours (at least).  Well now I think she has got into the habit.  The gas that was waking her has stopped and I thought that the 12 week growth spurt would be over by now, but at over 15 weeks, she is waking regularly.  She cannot put herself back to sleep.  I'm trying to get my nipple out of her mouth so that she falls asleep without it in there.  Sometimes it works but she wakes after half an hour and nothing seems to get her off.  She gets so upset, she doesn't even realise a boob is being offered.

On top of that, she is finding it hard to get to sleep in the day.  She has switched on to the world and I think it makes it difficult for her to nap.  My husband has been away for the last 2 weeks so I have been the sole parent.  It's so hard when she wakes every 30, 90, 120 minutes during the night and then only naps for 30 or 45 minutes in the day. She is so tired when she wakes from her naps and it's getting harder and harder to get her off (even boob and bouncy chair are failing).  The other day I planned to walk with her in her carrier for an hour and a half to get her a decent nap.  The carrier always gets her off.  And it did - for 20 mins.  Then something woke her and she screamed.  She wasn't in pain because I could stop her from crying for a bit but I just couldn't get her to sleep.  In the end, she cried herself into a sobbing sleep, with me sobbing next to her.

I feel like such a loser.  Young teens have babies, women have twins and toddlers to contend with.  Some people put up with sleep deprivation a lot longer that my measly few weeks before melting down.  I only have one, lovely little baby and I'm exhausted and tearful.  I sometimes feel angry towards her.  I know it's wrong and I wouldn't do anything to hurt her, but I do feel like putting her in her cot and leaving her to cry because none of my efforts are working.  I don't want her to lose her trust in her mummy.

I'm quite certain that the reason she is getting so upset is because she is tired.  Plus, maybe she is picking up on my increased tension as the sleep deprivation continues.

I'm now really resenting breastfeeding.  I found it really hard in the early days but I persevered because I wanted my baby to have the best. My husband and mum were constantly telling how 'breast is best' and I continued.  However, I've never been the best expresser and with my husband's shifts and time away with work, the baby has forgotten how to use a bottle.  Now I can't even get a break in the day.  I long for some sleep.  My friend's baby can go off to its grandmas armed with a bottle (and pacifer - which my baby also has no idea how to use but does have an overwhelming desire to suck) and she can recharge her batteries.  Not me.  How can breast be best when the baby's mother can barely raise a smile in the morning??

I know time will be a great healer, I just feel so exhausted.  My in-laws keep saying how she should be sleeping for longer periods by now and perhaps I should start her on solids.  I just can't see her ever sleeping for longer periods - it's all so foggy.  I have bought Elizabeth Pantley's book, which I've read and will start the logs soon.

I love your website - it's such a comfort.  I know there is probably no solution - just to wait it out, so I'm sorry if I'm wasting your time. I think I'm just searching for hope and support."

Oh, honey. This is just so sad, and I have felt every one of the emotions you've written. Especially the part about how feeling like a loser because other people deal with much tougher things than this.

You're right that the ultimate cure for this is going to be time. But in the meantime, I have a few things to offer:

She's heading right smack into the 19-week developmental leap, which means she's in the middle of the 4-month sleep regression, which reduces many parents to quivering masses of pain and despair. Remember this post when we all shared how awful the 4-month stage was? Let's go back and read the two pages of comments (you have to click "Next" at the bottom of the screen to see all of the comments) about people going through this torturous stage. You are not alone. It ends eventually.

This is probably the worst time possible* for you to be the sole parent for two weeks! That's just adding so much on top of this that makes it worse. Of course you're completely fried. If there's any way to afford it, I'd try to get someone to come in to help you for a few hours a couple of times a week, at least.

Now, about your in-laws: Babies all slept longer when your ILs were parents because the babies all slept on their stomachs. I really wish there was some way for us to let our kids sleep on their tummies without risking SIDS**, because I'm absolutely convinced that that's why we're all so consumed with sleep--they don't sleep well in general, so it's not just that we're nervous or micromanaging or whatever. I get 5-6 sleep-related questions a day, and I just think some of them never would have been issues back in the days when kids all slept on their stomachs.

In theory, I think that if you want to quit breastfeeding, you should feel free to without guilt. Your daughter has already gotten way more breastfeeding than most kids do, and kids are fine on formula. In reality, however, I think weaning right now will make your situation worse because she won't take a bottle from you so that will add another whole level of struggle to your day. Also, weaning could (two days in a row with this warning) push you into full-blown PPD from the hormone drop.

Instead, I think you should ask someone you trust to take your daughter for 3-4 hours every other afternoon so you can stay home and sleep. Send along a bottle of pumped milk or formula. If she drinks it, she drinks it (and whoever she's with might take it--you never know what kind of magic someone will have, and most babies won't take a bottle easily from a breastfeeding mom), but if she doesn't take it, one afternoon isn't going to hurt her, and it'll get you a stretch to help fortify you for the next few weeks until she breaks through the developmental leap.

You can't deal with this all by yourself anymore. You've done everything right. There's no magical way to get her to sleep while she's working on this developmental leap, so instead people need to be helping you to maximize the sleep you can get each day. If no one knows how much you're dealing with, send your husband the link to this post, and ask him to help. Dealing with a not-sleeping baby alone is what propels women into PPD, so don't even begin to minimize what you're going through. You need someone else there to hold that baby while you sleep four 4 hours in a row. And not someone who's criticizing the fact that the baby's not sleeping. Someone who knows what a great job you're doing, and just wants to be part of your team when you need it.

Now, readers, please say something nice to Samantha.

* Maybe not exactly the worst time. A woman told me her husband left for an overseas two-week business trip when their first child was three days old. Yeah.

** Whoever can come up with a no-risk-for-SIDS tummy-sleeping device deserves billions and billions of dollars.

Comments

[Sarah]

Big BIG hugs for Samantha! You really are not alone in this. I hope you find someone soon to take the baby while you get some sleep, that really will make things better.
Both my sons went through stages of not getting off the breast and not sleeping, and even with the support of my husband who took sleep shifts I was crying and ready to pull my hair out!
So, please go find some (non-judgemental) help, some sleep and some big big hugs.

[marsupial jones]

Samantha, you are doing an amazing job. It's ok to feel frustrated and angry at your baby. People-and babies are people-are frustrating sometimes. It is absolutely ok, and a good idea, to put her down on her cot if you need to, if you're overwhelmed, or you've just had it. I remember this terror, the misery and anger at the way my life was hijacked by a mean little dictator who refused to allow me any respite or pleasure. Those first 3 months are really really hard, way worse than the next three for me and big A.

I whole-heartedly agree that you should get some sleep by any means necessary.

I think it's important to remember that babies are heartier than we give them credit for and that they will not be scarred by crying a bit or trying out a bottle or even if she has trouble eating for the four hours while you sleep.

Pacifier-wise: have you tried lots of brands? Soothie brand are PVC-free hospital grade latex(I asked the company) and all babies I know that couldn't/wouldn't take a pacifier took a Soothie. You can get them from the company at http://chmv.respironics.com/About.asp. I was really glad I got A on pacifiers (he has since weaned himself off...)because others could put him to sleep. I taught him to use it the same way I taught him to latch and nurse.

Yeah, some people will say that she "should" be sleeping more, or "shouldn't" have a pacifier etc. I say do what you gotta to get sleep. If possible I'd refrain from talking to folks are discouraging.

You are doing a great job. Remember, you are exactly the mom your baby needs, whether either of you are sleeping or things are how you or other people think it should be. It'll get better.

[JeCaThRe]

Big hugs for Samantha. I had Husband around every night during this time, and it was still killer.

I also had a group of other moms with kids about the same age who were all sleeping better than my Nugget. They were all convinced I just needed to supplement with rice/formula, let him cry, perform a voodoo ceremony, and my kid would sleep like their kid. Do not listen to these people. They will only make you crazy.

And don't hesitate to ask your friends for help. I would help out one of my friends (or acquaintances) in your position without a second thought. Four hours of sleep will make you a new person.

[Suzanne]

I'm coming out the other side of this (sort of) so Samantha, don't give up hope! At 4 months my daughter totally regressed and was waking every 3 hours at night and really wanted to nurse. This was after she had been sleeping stretches of up to 6 hours. She is now 6.5 months and down to one night time waking and feeding. During the worst days my mother had come for a visit (she lives too far away) and took two nights in a row of feedings so I finally got two uninterrupted nights of sleep and it helped immensely. My husband wasn't comfortable enough with soothing the baby to have him do this.

She also was a cat-napper and rarely slept over 30 minutes. Then one day at the 30 minute point I left her and after about 20 minutes of fussing (not all out crying, fortunately she rarely did that) she went back to sleep. I think I was getting her too soon before that. She now naps 1-2 hours twice a day.

We had bottle issues too - really did not introduce until 12 weeks when I was going back to work and she hated it. It took a solid month of gentle coaxing until she finally accepted it (I worked from home so I had the luxury of doing this) but now she'll take one whenever we want.

If you had told me on one of those days she was only cat napping and crabby and up every 3 hours at night that one day she would nap well and sleep 8-9 hours in a stretch I would never have believed you.

[Slim]

Do not compare yourself with the mythical People Who Are Doing This Better Than I Am, in Tougher Circumstances Than Mine. I don't know if the People actually exist, but I hate them because of what they do to the rest of us.

Hang in there, and take any help you're offered. If that's not enough, start asking for help. Mayday! Mayday!

[sue]

Wow, this sounds familiar. It could be describing my older child (who now, at 3, sleeps 12 hours a night - so there is an end). I think that once a child gets so overtired, it's really difficult to get them back in sync - plus you have the whole developmental issue that's making it difficult for her to sleep (right now we're smack in the middle of the 9mo sleep regression, so I feel your pain). I should mention that my first child was formula fed, and it didn't help AT ALL in terms of getting breaks. My husband still worked too much, the baby still slept at 20 minute snatches, I was still ridiculously exhausted. I really don't think formula is the answer (#2 is breastfed and trust me, it's better, even when it doesn't work to put him to sleep, it's better)

I also tried Elizabeth Pantley and it totally didn't work. I gave it to a friend and she swears by it, but in my experience it was worthless, except as a coaster. Not the right advice for my child. I'd recommend Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child. He's typically dogmatic - all the "sleep experts" are, but his advice really helped when I had a child like this. If you're at the point where you're willing to put the baby in her crib for a while to cry, it would be a great book for you, since he's all about the CIO. We found out that my daughter just cries in her sleep (even now, no idea why) and by responding quickly, we actually woke her up and perpetuated her overtired state. *Not responding* increased her sleep exponentially. We didn't start until she was 10mo, so your results would probably not be as dramatic, but I bet it would help.

Also - totally send her off with a bottle of expressed milk for an afternoon ,so you can nap. It's amazing how much different the world looks when you get a few hours of sleep. 4 hours without you won't harm her one bit, no matter how mad she is about it.

Do you have a car? When my daughter was 4-6 months old, she would ONLY nap in the car. And it would take forever for her to fall asleep in the car. But once she did, she'd sleep for an hour. I definitely shouldn't have been on the road in my mental state, but it really helped her get some more sleep.

Also, it sounds like you're trying to put your daughter to sleep in her crib for her naps. How would you feel about cosleeping for naps? My son (9mo) will not nap for longer than 20 minutes (sometimes less) if I'm not right there with him (usually with my boob in his mouth). So I put bedrails on the bed and lie down with him - if I don't also have to interact with the 3yo, I fall right asleep and he'll sleep for almost 2 hours (boob attached). It's by no means a perfect solution, but it's what gets us sleep right now.

At any rate, it' not your fault, and you should probably make friends with other people who have difficult sleepers - or at least people who are honest about the experience. It drives me crazy when people paint a rosy picture of motherhood, just so they can feel smug (and then 3 years later, talk about how awful it was). HUGS!

[jesse]

Samantha, first-- big hug. Second, remind yourself you are an wonderful mother, as is clear from your level of understanding of your baby. Looking back on the various sleep regressions I went through with my daughter, I know that I was despondent because of the profound biochemical changes that sleep deprivation brings. (I remember sniveling to myself "this isn't fair!" as I exhaustedly dragged myself with her in a backpack around the neighbor because she just WOULD NOT go down for nap at 4-5 months.) Just keep reminding yourself things feel this bad because your body is physically telling you they are so bad--not that they actually are. Somehow knowing this helped me get through. If you can find someone you trust, as mentioned above, to take your baby for a few hours, the undisturbed sleep will change the way the world looks.

Second, breastfeeding is your friend as Moxie says. I found sleeping in the same bed as my baby was the key-- not the purest of sleep, but more sleep than if she was somewhere else.

Third, it may be too late for these tricks to work, but the "Happiest Baby on the Block" methods by Dr Harvey Karp saved me from 0 to 6 months. Swaddling tightly helped her chill out and an electric swing (bouncy chair wasn't violent enough) set on the highest setting (with her swaddled in it). The other sleep inducer once she grew out of the swing (and btw she slept in the thing for several months) was bouncing her on our laps on a large exercise ball. Loud, obnoxious white noise also helped. I think you can get Karp's video in the UK and Aus as well as in the US. Hang in there and let us know how it goes.

[BrooklynGirl]

Hang in there Samantha! As everyone else has said, you're doing great.

Is it possible your baby is teething? My daughter has been a terrible, terrible sleeper beginning at about 3.5 months, but could generally be soothed by the boob or the swing, but about 10 days ago that stopped doing the trick and sure enough, a few days ago a tooth appeared. Some Tylenol and/or Motrin have been helping us out.

[anon]

Sleep deprivation with crying baby was the worst thing I've ever had to deal with - and I've dealt with some pretty harsh things in my life. Don't put yourself down - it truly is so difficult, and I promise you, PROMISE you it WILL GET BETTER.
Hugs and strength to you, and remember to treat yourself nicely - try to find a little something to give you some pleasure each day.

[jlg]

Samantha, my heart goes out to you! I was in your exact position a year ago, and it gets better. My only salvation was the absolutely wonderful child care center I could send my baby daughter and toddler son to twice a week while I tried to work but often ended up falling asleep at my desk!

Moxie and others are right -- find someone you can trust to help you out. When my daughter was 4 months old, she absolutely would not take a bottle from me, but she had no problem taking a bottle (usually breastmilk, but sometimes formula) from anyone else. On top of that, she ALWAYS had to fall asleep nursing for me, but she went down much easier for her teacher at the center. When she got tired, her teacher wrapped her in a blanket and put her in a play yard in a dimly-lit room with a noise machine. She fussed for two minutes and then fell asleep. Babies (and toddlers and preschoolers too, for that matter) behave very differently for others.

As for having trouble expressing milk, are you hand expressing? If you decide to continue breastfeeding and want to express milk and can afford it, rent or buy the very best pump you can! It made a HUGE difference for me. And if that doesn't help, don't let anyone make you feel guilty about giving your baby formula.

One other small tip that might help: when you remove your sleeping baby from your breast, try inserting a finger in her mouth as you pull the nipple out. She might wake a little, but she will hopefully suck on your finger and go back to sleep. Then take your finger out. A finger is much easier to remove and your baby might not wake up.

Finally, try to do something nice for yourself. Go out for coffee with a good friend, take a nice hot bath for those few minutes that the baby naps, indulge in a favorite book or tv show (even while you are nursing), or go eat a triple-sized serving of your favorite dessert. Doing something nice won't take away the sleep-deprivation, but it will make you feel human again!

Best wishes. You are doing great and will make it through this.

[Sara]

Oh, honey....

My first was one of those mythical babies that slept 4 hours at a stretch from his first night home, and slept through by 12 weeks.

My second proved that this was nature, not my nurture, and that she was wired differently. She wasn't colicky, wasn't in pain, didn't have reflux. She just needed. to. eat. every. two hours. Sometimes more frequently.

SHe also could startle herself awake very easily.

Swaddling is your friend. I swaddled her long past the newborn stage, sometimes with one arm out, sometimes not. She slept SO much better swaddled.

The daytime sleep can be the worst. Neither of mine wanted much to do with regular daytime naps until they were older - 6mos or more. They'd sleep 30 minutes, wake, crank, sleep another 15, crank some more. And there was really no answer to that except time. I know that stinks to hear, but it really is true.

I found that they both would nap a little better if we co-napped. This also improved my outlook on life, because every bit of sleep helps. We'd curl up on the sofa, get baby latched on, and then we'd both go to sleep. Baby would sleep longer, I'd get some rest, everyone would be more sane for the rest of the day.

[S]

You are the perfect mother for your baby!

[hedra]

sleep deprivation sucks. I would physically ache from it.

Another issue with the low sleep, if you need to feel like you're doing SOMETHING (even if every mother goes through this, and the 'something' likely will just help you bridge the gap to when they'll sleep better anyway): Try infant probiotics. Sleep disruption is worse when they're sensitive to foods, or their GI system is at all distressed (even slightly - if she was gassy earlier, she may not be completely better, and they do seem to be more physiologically sensitive during these stages, too)... Infacol brand was tested in Europe, clinical trial, and had HUGE success - it takes a couple of days to kick in, but by day 3-5, over 90% of babies improve dramatically. You may have to order it from the UK, because it isn't available in the US yet, but given that gas drops help for about 7% of infants, and this helps for 90+... and it has no drawbacks, doesn't hurt their system, doesn't have side effects, etc., etc. It's something so you feel like you're taking steps, and it may actually help a lot - even if there's a food sensitivity issue! (Probiotics may help reduce reaction to food sensitivities! WOO! Fewer diet questions for mom, and more sleep, and less crying... all good stuff!)

And by the way, I've had twins at this stage, but my hat is off to you for surviving AT ALL (and enough to remember to ask someone for help, at that!) without assistance. HOLY PETE, woman, you're amazing! With twins, I had help of my DH *AND* my IL's *AND* my mom *AND* my step-mom *AND* a couple of friends, *AND* I knew it was just a stage, knew which one it was, and knew how long it would last, and it *still* burned my eyeballs out. You are doing a super job just functioning at all. It will get better.

(Oh, and I have a friend whose DH scheduled his overseas training for the two weeks around the due date... and yeah, he missed the birth. A VBAC that could have been a repeat C, with all that entails.)

[amy]

Samantha,
I am so, so, so sorry. My daughter was a preemie who didn't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours at a stretch going in to the 4-month regression. Sleep deprivation is, without a doubt, the hardest thing about babies (those not in pain). When she finally did start sleeping, I'm not sure. I've blocked it out. But she did do it eventually.

A couple of thoughts about the logistics of sending the baby out with someone so you can catch a nap. Feed her right before she goes. If it helps you feel better, tell that person: "She'll probably get hungry and cry a lot. I'm sorry if I'm not handing you a cherub." But then be okay if you don't actually feel sorry.

And if the *only* person you can get to be your stunt double for the day is someone who is critical, take them up on their help anyway. You need the nap. When they return with the baby and offer you all kinds of advice you don't want, be ready with some responses like:
"We're not ready to try that";
"No, really, we haven't decided to try that";
"Well, I'll tell you what - we'll give it a try if my husband agrees and I'll let you know if it works."

Make sure to wear a vacant smile and nod and then FORGET EVERYTHING THE CRITIC SAID.

I did this last one with my cousin who wanted me to let my 4-week old cry at night for a half hour before going in. It ended the unsolicited advice with no hard feelings, even though we never tried her suggestion.

We'll all be pulling for you, Samantha. May luck be on your side.

[anon]

My 4 month old has been waking every 90 or so minutes at night as well, and combined with the end of the semester grading rush, I am running on empty. I know it's a HUGE no-no, but I do put him down on his tummy sometimes. He (we) sleep so much better. He can roll over in both directions, so he will sometimes roll onto his belly himself in his crib. Sometimes we co-sleep, but if I get the timing wrong and he's not sleepy enough, it wakes him all the way up so he can play with me.

All this to say, I totally feel your pain. My older son did learn to sleep through the night, so I haven't hit total dispair yet, but I am exhausted.

[Lori]

This post just made me want to cry. I remember being stuck in exactly that place for many many months and feeling like a big loser. It gets better. My daughter is now 13 months and pretty much sleeps through the night. Finally!!! She still needs me sleeping next to her but it's tremendous progress. Keep the faith that it will get better. You're doing an amazing job.

[R]

First, Samantha, you are doing so much better than me. With a no sleeping baby (colicky too), my meltdown happened at 5-7 weeks, with my husband there and working from a home office no less. At 15 weeks, you are holding on like a champ!

Second, it is FINE to leave the baby in a safe place (like the crib) and step away. My grandmother told me to walk around the house three times and then go back to the baby. In an apartment, you could ride the elevator or walk the stairs a few times, just to get a break from the crying for a few minutes and regroup. Grandmother also said if you can hear the baby crying, you know she is still OK.

Third, keep trying everything. Eventually something will work. For us the Happiest Baby on the Block was great, but it took my mom's visit to get her to take the pacifier. She just kept sticking it into her mouth several times a day for a few days (which I did not have the patience to do) and eventually she took it. Godsend! You have no idea the magic that someone else can do. Same with swaddling - which we did until she could flip to her stomach in her sleep - helped dramatically.

Fourth, leave her with someone else you trust (even someone you pay) for a few hours. Get some rest. The person may get her to take a bottle (since she doesn't smell like mom and milk). If not she won't starve in a few hours. Could do you both a lot of good.

Fifth, you may want to give your OB a call about your own mental health. They are VERY used to getting calls from stressed out moms. My doc put me on the lowest dosage of Zoloft and my outlook and confidence in motherhood dramatically improved, and I stopped weeping ALL THE TIME. The doc also gave me Sonata - a sleeping pill that only lasts about 4 hours. Just the right oomph to help me to get to sleep when I got the chance, but not enough that I couldn't get up to take care of the baby when I had to.

Best of luck, big hugs and hang in there.

[colicmommy]

Oh Samantha, I'm sorry. I've been there.

But I wanted to let you know that it's not "wrong" to put a 15 week (almost 4 month) old baby in it's crib to cry for a bit to see if they'll fall asleep. I know we all have our different opinions, but there are thousands and thousands of babies that have cried it out and didn't turn into axe murderers. Me, for example. Or my brother. Or my two kids.

I'm going to totally differ with Moxie. One 4 hour stretch is great, but you'll feel like sh*t again after just one night. What about just lying on the floor of the baby's room, putting the baby in the crib, and letting the baby cry? Sounds like the baby is so sooooooo overtired now that nothing is working.

My son was like this (why I call myself colicmommy). Only thing that worked was CIO. I tried everything else first.

Hang in there!

[Michelle]

Oh Samantha - I wish I could give you a great big HUG in person. Like Moxie, I too have felt every emotion you described in the first few months of both my children's lives. My daughter was a part of the 4-month-old sleep crisis Moxie posted about, and my son had full-throttle colic.

I agree with so much of what Moxie and other commenters have already said. You need to get some time for yourself...a nap can do amazing things for moms at this stage.

Also, don't feel guilty about throwing in a bottle of formula or two now and then...but don't wean completely - I weaned my colic baby too fast and can testify that it can cause a HUGE case of PPD (thanks for the two mentions in a row Moxie, too few moms know this). But a bottle now and then from a caregiver will not hurt a thing and might allow you to get some much needed respite.

As for books - I found the Pantley book to be a bit ridiculous. Both of my kids fell asleep nursing those first few months and I did not find it to be a "prop" they needed forever. I do find the Weissbluth book to be the best yet on sleep...even though he is a bit overbearing on the CIO. The basic message I always take from it (and I refer to it frequently) is babies under 1 yr need to be put down after about 2 hours...max.

Once I really started focusing on this with my daughter (now 5 months) things did start to get better, slowly. I started by just focusing on soothing her, in our living room (trying for sleep) once she had been up for 2 hours...after a few days we moved to her bedroom where sometimes she would fall asleep (in my arms, most likely nursing). Yes, she would wake up sometimes when I put her in bed...but sometimes she wouldn't! Another thing that worked well during this stage is co-sleeping. Once I got her to sleep I would immediately go to my bed and lay down with her. I am not a co-sleeper in real life, but if that id what it took to get me through the 3-5 month sleep mess than I was more than happy to pretend!

Once she hit about 5 months it was clear she just needed to figure out how to get herself to sleep - me going in there was just exciting her and making her more overtired. We have had some crying lately but she falls asleep after about 5-15 minutes of it...and yesterday she took a 2 hour nap (*plus my toddler was down for his afternoon nap = HEAVEN!).

It will get better but for now you need to focus on what will get you through the day. Get some help, get some rest, get your husband back home - it will get better!

Oh, and on the subject of Everyone is Doing This Better Than Me - I think every mom feels this way and none of us are really doing it any better. We all have cried in the shower, we all have made mistakes.

More HUGS...we love you Samantha.

[Rachel H.]

Poor Sam! I hate being a "single parent" when my husband is away. I know that other people can pull it off, but not me. I agree with Moxie's advice that it's not the nursing that's causing the problem ... although a baby who is sleeping so poorly makes me think they must be in some kind of pain, maybe just gas?

My 3rd kid had terrible gas, and would wake up every 20-30 minutes to fart, cry himself silly because he was still tired, and go back to sleep (eventually). One day I tried having him sleep on him tummy, and I watched him the whole time because of all the scary propaganda about "back to sleep or your baby will DIE and it will all be your fault!" Guess what? He slept like an angel, woke up rested and happy ... make that a farting angel, because he farted in his sleep the whole time.

Then I spent a bunch of time reading up on the actual risk of SIDS. It turns out that there are MANY risk factors, some of which are way bigger than back vs. tummy. These include premature birth, low birth weight, smoking in the house, etc. What do these things have in common? They aren't easily changed. (Imagine a natl campaign about "don't have premature infants" -- duh!) But, back-to-sleep is something that can be done trivially .... at least until you start to look at the sleep costs for some babies and parents.

Anyway, I took a look at my 11-lb birthweight baby, who was born a week past his due date, who lived in a non-smoking home, who also had no other risk factors .... and I put him to sleep on his tummy from then on. It was something I felt secretive and guilty about, but it retrospect it was certainly the right decision for OUR baby.

[r0ckaby3]

Samantha, A post partum doula might be what you're looking for if you have the cash to shell out. My husband and I were actually able to find a student doula and use her services for free, as long as we filled out a little report on how she worked with us for the accreditation organization. Ours new her way around babies and new moms like a pro and was able to help us as new parents in the early newborn craziness. However, I wouldn't have hesitated to call and hire her later on if the need had arised, even for just a couple hours per day.

Also, Elizabeth Pantley's book was very helpful for us, and I hope some of her suggestions will work for your little munchkin too.

[G's momma]

Samantha you are the voice of so many mothers out there. You are not alone and you are doing a fantastic job.

I live in the DC Metro area. If I happen to be close to you, I would be more than willing to help you out. I know that when I was going through this with my little one I didn't have anyone who could take her for a few hours and that would have made all the difference.

My heart goes out to you. Big hugs!

[AmyinMotown]

MINE did the SAME THING. She slept through, but refused to go to sleep at night and would. Not. Nap. EVER. It was horrible. And I work from home as a freelancer so I needed those naps.

Good news: She's three now and a good sleeper--and no, you don't have to wait until your baby is three, the real sleep hell resolved itself fairly soon. Ferberizing worked for us, but it's not recommended until 6 months. I do agree that the poor monkey is so tired she doesn't know if she's coming or going, so maybe laying down with her will help, or letting her cry for a short period of time (10 minutes or so) t see if she'll wind herself down. I know the problem with mine was that she COULD fall asleep by herself, she just didn't want to, so leaving her to it actually worked.

Moxie's advice is spot on as usual. If even a casual acquaintance called me and said "HELP" and told me what you told us, I'd be over there with soup and a warm blanket SO fast. I think one of the HUGE issues we have as mothers, and why this site is so helpful, is that we are never supposed to admit to struggling. When I was a new mom, one of the things hardest for me was that I was having a rough time (See sleep issues above) and NO ONE, with very few exceptions, wanted to hear it. I had people on a message board accuse me of being a potential child abuser and a very overwhelmed person (subtext: They didn't find this so overwhelming so what was MY problem?) and it was incredibly hurtful. I don't know if its that nasty competitive streak some women have, or just the general American aversion to bad news, or what, but I think we'd all make life so much easier for everyone if we could say "I am at the end of my rope" and get sympathy instead of condemnation. Which is why Moxie and her commenters rock.

One of the mottoes around here that I wish I had had when I was where you are is "You are the best parent for your child." YOU know that baby better than anyone else --and if YOU can't figure this out what the HELL do your inlaws know? Listen to no one who tells you your baby should be sleeping X amount--I used to read the sleep books and cry.

I am writing too much here, so to sum up: You're doing fine; you will sleep someday and so will she; get some help and support so YOU can get some rest and be more equipped to deal with all this.

[Kristin]

Dreadful!! We had the same thing with both kids, it's terrible. I felt all the same things that you expressed. The last time a glass of wine and some rice cereal solved it. Wine for me (just the 1!) and cereal for the baby.

I've always thought that bottle feeding can't be easier than breastfeeding just different problems. Best to ignore your MIL and I never found any of the sleep training.

My best wisdom is to concentrate on the basics, eating and sleeping. Order your groceries in and buy precut veggies and fruits so they are ready to eat. If you can get some help then do. Get to sleep any way you can. Do whatever you need to recharge yourself.

Are you putting her on the floor to move around? Myabe she's ready to have a little more independent time?

[Linda]

I had the MOST trouble with my firstborn teaching him how to sleep because I was so worried that letting him cry would be me failing him. So not true. I was failing him by going mental trying to make him sleep.
We figured it out eventually but one thing I did do in desperation was put him in his swing and left the vacuum on running underneath the swing until he fell asleep. Desperate times call for desperate measures- don't worry if you have to do whatever to make him sleep - bad habits can be undone once YOU are rested. Hang in there.

[May]

I feel your pain. I have a 7.5 month old who is currently, I think, trying to kill me with lack of sleep (and a somewhat self-centered husband who HAS to -- or feels he has to -- get straight A's in college or the world will end, so he is absolutely no help). Everything blew up in our faces at 3months (he had teased us by sleeping 12hr nights from 6weeks-13weeks. It was incredible).
Horrible GERD, 4month sleep regression, teething, 6month sleep regression and now I have no idea what the hell his problem is but he still wakes up about every 20 minutes. How do I solve the problem? Well we started co-sleeping, which has turned into more of a habit for me than for him (its easier to sooth when you dont have to get out of bed), but he still wiggles nonstop and we still dont get any sleep. He just (and I mean JUST like as in yesterday so it could just be a blip) decided that napping for 1.5hrs at a time durring the day isnt so bad. Thank god. Anyway my point in all of this is not that someone always has it worse... its more like whatever the specifics of a situation like this are, it always seems like its the worst and that it will never end. We just keep telling ourselves its just a phase (actually it helps that he has GERD, I tend to just blame that and not get so frustrated with HIM as much. It helps, for some reason). It will end eventually. I dont know when - for us it's been 4months of hell, and now we're about to head into the 8-9 month regression (how does one regress from this though?) but in my head I've got the magic 1-year number for some reason... everything will be better at a year. And if not, at least by TWO years he'll be old enough that we can set him up in front of the tv when he wakes up in the morning and let the electronic world babysit him while I get a nap.

It will end eventually.
And you're not alone.

I think my reply depressed me more than anything, haha.

I hope things get better for you, and soon

[Sarah2]

Samantha I just want to say that I felt like such a loser with my baby too! Your words totally resonated with me. Thank God I found this website! It's so hard at times. Honestly both my husband and I just hated having a baby sometimes -- love the baby, hate the job of being a mommy. That was until he was 8 months or so. Then, it gets better and better. I was dying to put him daycare, now I can't bear the thought of leaving him and returning to work! Honestly, it's hard to imagine, but someday your little one will sleep, you will actually feel rested again (it's true!!! unimaginable but true!) and your baby will delight you. I have felt like SUCH a loser, like a terrible mommy, unfit for parenthood, so angry, so angry at the world for recommending childrearing! And yet, here I am, at almost 11 months and starting to fantasize about the next one :) Hang in there. Get out if you can - ask for help or hire a young sitter for a couple hours a day, a couple days a week, so you can go sit in a cafe alone. That helped me a TON. Thinking of you...

[Fahmi]

Samantha,
It will get better. I know it seems crazy, but it will. Until then, try to get someone to come in for an hour or so, to give you a chance to nap a little bit. I know you said your baby is not nursing from a bottle now - but it might be because she's figured out the difference between the plastic thing and the real thing. I could never get my son to take a bottle with me - I guess he could smell the milk on me? - but drank like a champ with everyone else.

Finally, I could never get my son to take a pacifier, and I was too sore to nurse what felt like constantly, but my son had a very strong urge to suck. We gave him our pinky fingers. Making sure it's clean, we would give him our finger and he would suck and suck and he would calm down and fall asleep, or at least, just stay quiet. We got good at carrying him in the sling, one finger in his mouth, doing stuff around the house with the other hand.

For a while we worried that he would never stop sucking on our finger, but around 6 months, he abandoned it one his own in favor of his own.

School lets out for Christmas holidays, soon, so even a local high schooler would do in terms of getting help.

[Cecily T]

I remember this phase. I emailed Moxie too. My LO (now 22 weeks) was sleeping at night, so at least I had that, but I had the NO napping during the day. I was so grateful for my husband to get home, and if he wasn't upstairs (works at home) right at 5:00 on the dot, I was counting minutes.

Mine also only ever nurses to get a good sleep, so if Dad rocks her, she'll go down, but only for 20 minutes, so I hear you on the no breaks from the boob in her mouth thing as well.

We changed a few things, moved the swing upstairs where it's darker and quieter, and mostly just waited out the 19week developmental leap.

I'd keep BF'ing if you can...cereal isn't as calorie-dense as breast milk, so I don't understand the recommendation to give cereal to keep them fuller longer. But if you are resenting it, I'd try getting other people to get her to take a bottle. She'd always take one from DH and my mom, and never one from me.

Oy...it appears that my lovely nap schedule is breaking down as I type. She's been like clockwork (for a whole week) with taking a 10:30 nap, but I hear her fussing now.

Just rest as much as you can. It's so hard to give up the worry or feeling wound-up even when you have time to sleep, maybe take a warm bath or something else to help you wind down. And I agree, if you can get any help with groceries or chores or dinner, take it.

Hugs. You'll get through this.

[Nick]

When in this stage, it was really hard for me to pump a bottle because DD was always nursing. What I did was to nurse her on one side and pump on the other. This was tricky when I was sleep deprived and clumsily stumbling around, and some milk was lost. And DD did notice, but I presume she thought it was a natural problem and not that I was sneaking her milk.

But within a half-day, I could give >something< (although not much) to my mother while I went away and slept for four hours. This assauged the guilt. But I sent formula along too, although my mom never ended up using it. That "different caretaker, different behavior" magic, I guess.

Also, see if you can get someone to watch the baby when it is dark out-- you're lucky about the timing, this just means an evening sitter. I found that restoring my circadian rhythms as much as I could added immeasureable help during sleep regressions. Sleeping from 6-11 p.m. was just better quality sleep and helped more than a daytime nap-- even if I ended up stumbling around from midnight on.

[anna]

Samantha, we went through the *exactly* same thing, and I so, so sympathize. The exhaustion and the despair feed off each other, and this is so incredibly common: it was only later, when I talked to some friends, that it turned out that *everyone* had gone through this. And it will end, I promise: our wake-up-every-90-minutes-until-I-was-walking-into-walls baby then turned into a a far better sleeper.

Two things helped. First, we realized that he was getting most of his milk at night. I kept hoping that by tanking him up at night, he'd sleep longer: but instead, I turned his days and nights upside down. So every time he woke up at night, I'd only offer one breast instead of both, and then for fewer and fewer minutes. Somehow, within a few days, this helped a lot.

Second, we went outside. A lot. The only bit of advice from the otherwise completely incoherent Weissbluth book that I followed was to give the baby a chance to sleep every two hours: so if he couldn't fall asleep at home, we'd go for a long walk. He fell asleep in a stroller far more easily than at home (and being outside helped to reset his clock, I think. It definitely kept me far more sane than staying inside would.)

Lots of hugs to you!! You're doing such a great job despite all these difficulties.

[rudyinparis]

Samantha,

Sleep deprivation is torture. I mean, it's like crazy hallucinating where you start to doubt yourself and your whole world. I know it's hard, so hard, but when you're feeling really despondent, remember that some/a lot of that feeling is because of the physiological effect of a lack of sleep.

Everyone has said what I could say, and better, but I'll echo that:

You sound perfectly in tune with your daughter. And that's because you are the best mother she could possibly ever have! Ever, ever, ever.

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and just try your best to tune out people that say hurtful and negative things. They don't know you--you deep inside-- and they CERTAINLY don't know your daughter. They don't know shit. You can tell them I said so.

Another poster said this, and certainly don't do it if it simply doesn't feel right--but I bet your assessment that your daughter is exhausted is right on. And maybe putting her in the crib, putting yourself on the floor ("See, Mommy doesn't disappear") and letting her cry to sleep may help. I don't know. This is your call, obviously. It just seems like the wee one would drop off after a bit. Maybe you could take the opportunity of her crying to cry a bit yourself. The two of you could have a crying session together. It could be your little version of watching "Steel magnolias".

Man, I am really not that helpful. BUT I am rooting for you and hoping for you and I KNOW you will get through this. Did I mention that you're the best Mom your daughter could ever have?

[Liz]

Hugs and more hugs and even more hugs. You are doing a great job.

And what everybody else said about sitters and sleep.

[Laura Lou]

Oh, Samantha, Hang in there! You are doing a wonderful job. It's so easy to feel like a failure, especially at this age. I kept reminding myself of Moxie's advice, "If, at the end of the day, you're alive and the baby's alive, you're doing an excellent job", and my own mother's "Do what you need to do to keep yourself sane, everything else will come from that."

At about 4 months my little guy quit taking a bottle too. He would fuss and push it away, only drinking an ounce or two, even if I wasn't home. We kept giving him one though, and after a few weeks he was okay with them again--though he still likes nursing better, of course.

He didn't like pacifiers either at first, though he had a strong need to suck too. I tried every pacifier I could find (literally, went to Target and got one of every single type there), and I worked with him until he would take the Soothie kind. Now he likes the Gerber ones, and only uses them to fall asleep.

Mostly though, I think Moxie is right on (as usual). See if someone can take the baby for several hours so you can sleep. If she eats, she eats, if not, she'll be okay--and you'll be a lot better for it.

And big, big hugs to you too!

[Liz]

Also, MM slept better when he had formula at night (due to the less digestible nature of formula), so maybe you can hire a sitter to do the bedtime routine with a bottle of formula and you can sneak back in once the baby is asleep (if she goes to sleep)?

[Mommyprof]

Infants can drive you to distraction, because they can't tell you what is wrong. So many people feel your pain!

Things you could maybe try: It might be worth a visit to your pediatrician to see if there is a hidden ear infection or sinus infection that causes her pain when she lies down. They make large-sized swaddle wraps and those are worth a try. Our Bun started waking up again and we figured out that now that it is winter, her room is cold and a wearable blanket and undershirt under the PJs make it better. The under 4-month crowd will sometimes cry in their sleep, and you actually wake them up by going in there too soon. We had a 10-minutes before we check rule for both our kids, and often they would go back to sleep on their own. Might be worth a try.

Best wishes!

[Dawn]

Pardon me for being crass - here, I'll do it in pig latin.

Uck-Fay your N-laws-Iay.

If they think they can do better (without letting her sleep on her stomach) then I welcome them to try.

I feel your pain. I pumped for 7 months, Alex was sleeping better (our version of better - 1-2 wake ups a night), then he suddenly started nursing and within 3 nights was up. every. 90. minutes. Oh. Mah. Gaw. We're about crazy from no sleep.

At your daughter's age I had Alex in the Moby wrap for 3 naps a day. I had a bottle on hand and was shoving it into his mouth at the slightest squeak, just because I needed him to sleep SO badly that it didn't matter to me how it happened.

On the morning of his 4 month appt he rolled to his stomach in his sleep. The ped said there's not much to be done about it. More or less wisdom is that once they can roll there on their own, they are safe(r) to sleep that way. (I'm not a doctor, but this concept seems rather accepted - no one expects you to stay up all night flipping a child back to his/her back.)

Seriously, you are doing well, Really really you are. Anyone who says differently deserves a case of bedbugs.

[Liz]

Ooh! That's another thing! We put a small electric heater near MM's bed (but not too close!) and that helped alot.

[Jean]

Samantha,

If I thought I was anywhere near you, I would be there in a heartbeat. I lived thru something similar with C, he had reflux, and I can still remember the horrible, horrible thoughts I had in the middle of the night about how I had made a terrible mistake, that I couldn't be a good mother.

You need to find help. Someone who will take the baby, so you can get some sleep, however long you can get. I disagree with the PP who said the next night you'll be right back where you were. I was lucky that my dh was here to help. When he realized that I was going off the deep end, he suggested we take turns being on call. One night I was on call, and I attended to all of C's wake-ups. But the next night was dh's, and he turned off the monitor in our room, so I could sleep. He slept in C's room (guest bed in there). Just having one night every other night made *such* a difference, I can't even tell you.

C is now 2, still not a great sleeper, I'm sorry to say, but so far from what he was, it's totally liveable. I say when he's a teenager, I'm going to start waking him up like he does to us now. And pound on the door every time he goes into the bathroom by himself. But that's another story. ;-)

Please ask for help from someone. It will make all the difference for you, which will make all the difference for your baby.

As for what other ppl can handle, that doesn't matter. What matters is you. You can probably handle some things that those others can't. And are they really handling it, or just faking it? Or maybe they got kids like M, who slept thru the night at 4wks and has never had a sleep regression or any of that stuff. I can say that without fear of being hunted down, because I've lived the other side too.

Please let us know that you found someone to give you a break and that you're doing better.

[Annika]

Samantha, I think you are doing a fantastic job. The other people who seem to be doing so much better than you are 1) not you, 2) probably using methods you wouldn't be comfortable with or 2a) wouldn't work with your baby, and 3) might just be lying about how well it's going.

In addition to Moxie's theory about why our in-laws' babies slept better than ours: my MIL's doctor told her to give my husband rice cereal at bedtime when he was three weeks old. A three-week-old baby does not have the enzymes to digest rice cereal, so they sleep all night trying to get it through their system. I understand this was fairly popular advice. If you gave your baby the infant equivalent of Nyquil, she'd sleep through the night too -- but I don't recommend it.

[Annie]

Oh, been there, been there. It's awful. Still sort of there, actually. After twenty-one hours of unmedicated back labor I thought I could handle anything, and then came the sleep deprivation.

Mine was one of the emails that inspired Moxie's "4-months" post, I think.

From 4 months (to the day) until 6 months (to the day) my baby wouldn't sleep for more than two hours at a time at night (often much less) and only napped for thirty minutes. Ever. Actually, the short naps were nothing new, but we had been able to count on at least one three to four hour stretch at night (though only for about two weeks before the 4 month regresssion hit- oh the humanity!).

What did we do? We were too tired to do much of anything. I took her back into bed with me and she nursed all night- not great sleep for me, to put it mildly, but it was better than being up all night or listening to her be up all night with my husband or drowning her out with white noise but still *knowing* she was up all night with my husband. He got so exhausted he had to stay home from work one day with vertigo, and that's when I started co-sleeping again. No more sleep for me, but less stress.

We never let her cry. Not a good option for our classic high-needs girl (bounced on a yoga ball for about 15 hours a day for the first few months, but that's another story) but in the last few days she's been napping twice a day for 1 to 2 hours (!!!!!!!!) and has had a 3 to 4 hour stretch at night. (Not last night, alas. So it goes.) Will it last? Don't know. Will we ever let her cry? Don't know. Would we let a second child cry when we are more experienced/ dealing with a toddler? Don't know. Maybe.

The only thing we did do consistently, now that I think about it, was a nap/ bedtime routine. When she seemed tired (which varied, and still does) we went through the same routine before trying to get her to fall asleep- sometimes she did, sometimes she didn't. Now it seems like she "gets it," knows what sleep is, and what to expect. Did the routine help foster this?

Don't know. Maybe.

Turns out that parenting is an art, not a science. Always hovering on that edge between form and chaos, tweaking here, adjusting there.

[swissmiss]

HUG HUG HUG.

My older son was a poor sleeper until the day he learned to roll over. Then one night I checked on him and there he was sleeping on his stomach. Panic. Roll him back onto his back. Half an hour later, he's on his stomach again. Panic. Roll. Repeat. The day he learned to roll he started sleeping on his stomach - there was no way to stop him - and he started SLEEPING.

Life got way better when he developed enough self control to find his own thumb, too.

I second the Happiest Baby on the Block, but I've also taken from Pantley and Weisbluth. Really. Whoever said try *everything* is right. Try everything. Fifteen weeks might be too old to start swaddling, but it's a thought. Wish I'd done it with my older, my newborn is living in that swaddling blanket.

You are not alone. It sucks. It passes. Hugs.

[Jennifer]

My Pumpkin is just shy of a year, and already I've blocked out the horridness of "I won't sleep unless Mommy is right there" period. I know it happened.... Samantha, hang in there. I definitely agree with everyone. I too got so angry at Pumpkin, so angry that she just. wouldn't. leave. me. ALONE. Try CIO. And while she's crying, go into another room and let yourself cry a bit too. Just let go. It helped me be a little calmer.
I second (third, whatever :-) the idea of the binkie. Pumpkin is also a serious "sucky baby," and we started with the binkie right off -- and she refused to take it. Then we tried a different brand, and now she can't sleep without it.
Good luck! You are NOT the only one!!!!!

[Ewokmama]

This is when I started shoving a pacifier in my son's mouth during the night. It helped quite a bit! But yeah, 4 months sucks! That's when we hit a nursing strike, as well, which I weathered by standing up while nursing, swaying, and shushing in the dark. This is how he got to sleep, too. UGH.

It seems really bad right now but it will pass in a few weeks and then in 6 months you will barely remember.

[Meegan]

Samantha -

Oh, how I feel your pain. My husband travels every week for 4 days and I'm alone with the baby. She is now 15 months old and things are going swimmingly, so there is light at the end of the tunnel. But it's a dark tunnel, isn't it? What worked for me might not work for you but I'm going to tell you about it just in case. I didn't think I would be a proponent of "Crying it Out", but my little one was VERY similar to yours. And I felt like, for me, in order to survive, to be the mom that I wanted to be, I needed to let her scream sometimes. Cruel and unusual? Perhaps to some it was, but it DID help her "figure it out". The first night she screamed for 3 hours in a row. And I cried every minute of those 3 hours along with her. The second night she screamed for an hour and 45. The third night was an hour, the fourth night was 10 minutes and the fifth night...nothing. She slept. For 6 hours. In a row. I don't think she "learned" that when she cries, I don't respond. Because I did and I do. But this wasn't crying because she was sick, because she was scared...it was crying because I had basically taught her that I would respond each and every time. So I had to change that. It was awful and I'm not going to lie to you and say otherwise. That week when I let her cry was one of the worst weeks of my life. But I got through it, she got through it and we both finally were able to get some flipping sleep! I was exclusively breastfeeding and that made it particularly difficult. Especially that first night because I thought she was hungry. My husband was on the phone with me for all three hours, by the way. If he couldn't be there physically, at least he could be there emotionally.

If CIO isn't for you, I hope you can find something that works. The Ferber Method is a softer version of CIO and we've used that since the initial training with great success.

Good Luck!

[Julie]

Hugs hugs and more hugs. I would recommend staying away from the books because they will all tell you something different, and it will confuse you in your already confused state. I think Pantley is the pick-up-put-down lady.....and when you're sleep deprived, picking up and putting down 90+ times a night is not going to work for you just yet.

Don't listen to anyone who tells you you shouldn't be nursing your baby to sleep. NURSE YOUR BABY TO SLEEP if that's what will GET your baby to sleep. Don't worry about bad habits, making it harder down the road for you - because no matter what you do now....there will be something that will be hard down the road regarless. So stop worrying about it.

Cosleeping sounds like a good solution for you....for right now until you can get your little one to sleep and get some sleep for yourself. Esp. since your husband is not around, it won't disturb his sleep. And if baby wants to sleep with your nipple in the mouth, let him. Don't worry about pulling it out. Just. Do. What. Works. At. All. Costs.

The rest will fall into place. Get some help, get a break, and then keep doing what you're doing. It sounds to me like you're doing great. And ya, buy a bunch of different pacifier brands and just keep trying them out until you find one that works.....if baby is a sucky baby, one should work eventually.

Again, you're doing great. It's just hard to see it when you're so tired.

[Tava]

Samantha, I was having a hard enough time when my daughter was that age, and my husband was there to help! It's HARD.

You might try the Happiest Baby on the Block stuff. It is marketed for babes 0-3 months but most of it worked for us for at least 5 months. One thing that helped my daughter get to sleep at that age was turning on the water full blast and rocking her while standing in the bathroom...the loud white noise helped. iserenity.com has good white noise 'environments', too, and I often rocked her to sleep with one of them turned up LOUD.

Car rides often did the trick, too.

My daughter is still not the best sleeper but it DOES get better, much much better. I don't think weaning is the answer, but I know that it can be exhausting to be the baby's sole source of nutrition.

[jennifer]

First off big hugs to you. I have totally been there with my little one wanting to nurse every hour or so. The best advice I got was from my lactation consultant. She had me nurse and then supplement with a bottle of formula. She told me it was okay to supplement from time to time, especially when I was feeling overwhelmed. I remember my dad giving me the sad face when I mentioned I was giving formula and I told him that when he was the one nursing and staying up all the time, then he could give me advice on what is best.

I think it is especially worse with the first child. We get so caught up in what we think, or what people tell us, that we should be doing. If we don't do that then we think we are being horrible mothers. We need to remember that we do our best and know what works between us and our children. Our daughter ended up sleeping on my for the first few months and then when she got too big for that I moved her into the cosleeper with a pillow... I know, I know. Now at 11 months she sleeps better, not great but better, starting out in the crib and then moving to our bed around 2am. It isn't ideal but she is dealing with walking, teething and being sick so we do what we can.

Hang in there!

[Julie]

And a sound machine with white noise........we are still using ours at 2+ years old. For naps and night sleep. With no adverse side effects......Alex is developing normally on all fronts despite it.

:)

and it really really really helped him sleep when he was 4months. He especially liked the wind setting around that time.

[d]

I remember holding out my son to my husband and wailing that I thought my son didnt like me after weeks of broken or sleepless nights. I smile now, but right then I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life in having a child who obviously didnt like me or why else wouldnt he sleep? What an awful mum I must be! PAH!

You are a better mum if can sleep. Get a hotel room. Go to a friends. Get someone to take the little for a walk while you sleep.

Music, white noise, soothing lighting, nothing worked for me until I did someone the compliment of trusting them with my son and getting some sleep while they looked after him. And guess what, he took a bottle from the nanny, from his dad, from his granny and from the neighbour. He slept sucking on his dads pinkie finger.

I wish you luck, and wish I was your neighbour so I could come over and help.