Readers have questions, but I don't have answers

Maybe you guys do have some answers for us.

T writes:

"i have a 16yr old step-daughter & a 9yr old son,is it right, legally, for them to share a room?"

I  think that probably varies by state or province law. But I don't know for sure. I do think that probably a 16-year-old girl and a 9-year-old boy are going to be a better room-sharing match than two 16-year-old girls, or two 9-year-olds. But that has nothing to do with the legality. Anyone know? T, if you're reading this and want to update on what state/province you live in in the comments, that might be helpful.

Jill writes:

"We have new neighbors with little boys the same ages as mine.  They've been playing together outdoors and having a great time.  Then yesterday I noticed a pile of toy guns joining the game.  My boys have never been allowed to play with guns, even squirt guns.  I've told them that I think its a bad idea for kids to play with a toy gun because they might see one that they think is a toy and then find out (the scary way) that it was real.  But, in someone else's house, I'm not sure I have any control.  Should I prohibit my boys from using them?  I'm not even sure I can.  My kids are 3.5 and 6.5."

I wish there was just one good answer for this question, which I think comes up every day all over the world.

I think squirt guns are fun. But I don't want my kids to think real guns are cool, so I don't want them to play with toy guns. But squirt guns are fun. And kids make toy guns out of anything (sticks, French fries, their fingers).

So, yeah. I don't know. I'd rather have my kids playing with brightly-colored, obviously toy squirt guns than ones that really look like real guns. So maybe that's the solution. But maybe not. Anyone else?

And last but not least, a barbaric yawp from a frequent commenter who I'm keeping anonymous:

"I just re-read your review of the Ames & Ilg 3 year old book.  To give me moral support.  Since I have been dealing with a bratty, rude, obnoxious and very verbal 3 year old (who seems to save her very worst behavior for me, and 2nd worst for my husband) for over 6 months now.

To have a girl who was a delight for the first 3 years of her life become like this is horribly depressing.  And to hear her behaving so sweetly with the babysitter in the next room while I just struggled with her for 2 hours is almost more than I can take.

That's it.  I guess at least I'm not the only one."

At least now you know the bad-with-mom-but-great-with-the-babysitter thing is normal. Seriously, that book is the only thing that made me think I wasn't a horrible parent at that age.

I certainly don't have any parenting answers. But I do want to say that it gets better. And that I think that in a lot of ways, this evil 3 stage is practice for the teenage years, so if you can think of a way to try not to take it personally, you'll help yourself not only now, but also when she's seized by whatever awfulness happens when she's 14.

Anyone else?

Comments

[Nicole J.]

I would never have thought that there would be legal issues for minors to share a bedroom. And after thinking about it for a few minutes, I don't see why there would be. Children share rooms and beds all over the world, as do parents with their children. As long as there is no reason the two can't get along with each other, or you feel that one is going to hurt the other; then I say go for it. But I can't see them wanting to share a room....but who ever wants to share a room?

Toy guns...I say that you can only control what happens in your home, so let it go and let your kids play with the neighbors. Little boys will make guns out of everything and anything and their aggressive play is a healthy way for them to exercise their aggressive and sometimes violent tendencies in a safe way. You can still talk to your children about guns and teach the lessons you want to about violence. You can't control everything your children will be exposed to by the big wide world, but you can give them the ethical and moral compass to know what's right.

[SarcastiCarrie]

I can't imagine a 16 yr old girl and a 9 yr old boy wanting to share a room, but if that's all you have (or can afford), I don't know how there could be a law against it.
The only sticking point is making sure that everyone has as much privacy as they need.

[Michelle]

On the bed-sharing - I am no legal expert but I am pretty sure there aren't any laws dictating room-sharing among siblings or any kids for that matter. If there are I need to find a new country to live in - that's just scary.

Toy guns - I just finished the Brain, Child Greatest Hits and there is a great pro/con piece on whether toy guns are okay or not. I am terrified of guns - I have never touched a gun and I will not - under any circumstance, allow them in my home. My husband's best friend is a cop and I even make him leave his gun (which he carries on his ankle ALL the time - shiver) in his truck when he comes over to see the kids.

That said, I will not allow toy guns made to resemble real guns in my house. Squirt guns are okay I think - mainly because, as Moxie said, they are fun!

But what can you do when they are at someone else's house? Yikes. My first instinct would be to call the other parent and explain your feelings about the toy guns and ask, nicely, that they be put away when your son is playing with their son. Hopefully the other parent will respect that...if they don't (or react with hostility) it might be time to start looking for new playmates. I think my fear is that any parent who is totally fine with their kid playing with fake guns might actually have real guns somewhere in their house - which is a huge problem for me.

I am very interested in hearing what everyone else has to say on this.

As for the 3 year old issues - I have a 20 month old and a 5 month old...thanks for the reminder to enjoy every smile, laugh and sweet gesture!

[flea]

I shared a room with my 8 year old brother when I was 14 - the three siblings (sister was 11) arranged it so we traded every 6 months who got their own room and the other two had to share. It was a fine thing, and if anything HE was more concerned about privacy than I was.

[jill]

I've never heard of a rule against sharing a room. And how sad is it that that is something a mother is worried about? Our world has gotten too litigious if she can't just peacefully let her children share a room.

Of course there are laws about them having sex. But not just being in a room.

Now I can't imagine a 16 year old girl WANTING to share a room with a 9 year old. But if that's what you have, and that's what they're doing, I say let it go.

This reminds me of my friend saying she took a bath with her baby and couldn't get through it b/c she thought "I feel like I could get arrested for this".... so sad.

[Mum]

I don't know about legalities per se, but publicly funded housing authorities do have guidelines about how many bedrooms are necessary for families based on family size and the gender and ages of the children. I'm not certain if this is based on federal guidance related to the funding or if the local housing entities managing the funds have discretion in this area.

I agree that water squirting is fun but I just can't get over the idea that kids shouldn't be playing with anything that glamorizes or makes a game out of guns. So far my very little one is happy to play with a squirt bottle instead, though it may not last.

And as for the "they make guns out of everything" and the "they play with them elsewhere anyway" arguments as a way to justify letting them have toy guns at home, I don't think those things matter. The goal isn't to keep them from ever touching a toy gun, it's to send a strong message about guns and violence - which they will absorb either way.

Sorry - I may sound a little harsh - this is just one of those no-compromise issues for me. I feel even more strongly about it in this day and age when we are stuck in a dreadful war and stuff like VA tech/columbine/etc. is on the news.

[Kristin]

Finally, out of lurking...

T: when I was about 12-15, I had to share a room my with brother (three years younger) at our dad's new apartment where we lived about half time. It wasn't all that great - we didn't argue, but my privacy felt very invaded. On and off I would "move out" to the couch to sleep. It might be legal for the two to share a room, but I'd really consider whether that's the best option for the long term. If it's just a night here and there, that's one thing - but truly sharing a room with a 9yo boy might not be so good for the 16yo. Especially if there's a blended family... that can be a challenge even without the added complexity of establishing room-sharing boundaries for privacy between step-siblings.

My brother and I were amenable and agreeable to the idea out of necessity and general "good attitudes", but 20 years later, that situation does stick out as one of the larger trials of my teenage years.

[rimarysm]

Mothering Magazine did a group of articles on toy guns last Christmas.

http://www.mothering.com/articles/growing_child/discipline/bang-bang.html

[Melanie]

Another good blog post on toy guns that I appreciate: http://inthetrenchesofmotherhood.com/?p=41

[Jean]

I don't know about legalities, but I would think that opposite sexes sharing a room, as the boy is rapidly approaching puberty, probably isn't a good idea. It might bring up too many confusing thoughts at a time that's confusing enough as it is.

I did have a friend in high school whose sister married their step-brother.

[Julie]

T.....I don't think you need to worry about legalities of the 16 y/o sharing a room with your 9y/o son.....but you might want to think about how this will make her feel. As a stepchild myself, it is a very difficult line to walk - do they want me, does my dad love me as much as xyz? And to share a room with my stepmother's son....well for me that would have been hard. Not so much b/c of the boy/girl thing as much as feeling like an extra wheel.

But I think that if she's cool with it, you've all talked about reasons for doing this, if it's financial, if there is only one other room other than yours and your husbands....well I think you'll be fine. And of course I am thinking of this through my lens of having a very difficult and painful relationship with my own stepmother who so clearly didn't like us or want us around at all. So I want to acknowledge that your circumstances may be very different.

[Andromeda]

I teach middle school, and it is SO true that the way kids that age behave with their parents usually has little in common with how they behave elsewhere. Sometimes I'm seeing sides of them the parents have no idea exist (and often these are the better sides...) I'm sure this is only slightly comforting for the parents, but as long as the kids are interacting well with other people and reasonably fulfilling their responsibilities, I do think they'll turn out OK.

[Jamie]

Actually, there may very well be some kind of rule about the room-sharing. I know there are very strict guidelines in Pennsylvania about foster children sharing rooms (NEVER) or even being in one another's rooms to play (never with the door closed) so I could totally see some municipality having a law either on the books as a child welfare issue or as a housing or health requirement issue about what ages and genders of children can be allowed to share rooms.

[SarcastiCarrie]

Illinois has similar rules for foster children (and as a condition of adoption) regarding number of bedrooms and minimum square footage, but I do not think it applies to children you already have in your family.

[Cloud]

T - if the kids have to share because that is all the room you have, maybe you could get one of those cheap rice paper and wood screens to create some semi-private space for each of them? Or a curtain, a la It Happened One Night?

[Caroline]

When my brother was young he had loads of toy guns. I remember cap guns, toy soldiers, all of it. But he also had many, many other interests. And our parents clearly taught us right from wrong, real from fake. And my brother is now the most pacifistic, non-aggressive, lovely, caring 36-year-old you're likely to meet.

My parents were firmly of the mindset that if you ban matches (for example) altogether, that kid is going to find the matches when you least expect it and burn the house down. But if you let a kid experiment with matches in the fireplace and with supervision and a discussion of the dangers, they'll get it out of their system.

[Christiana]

You said the 16 year old was a step-child - are there any pending legal battles? Her other parent could cause a modicum of trouble. I know in an adoption or foster situation there are regulations regarding how many children per room and that opposite gender situations are frowned upon, but there should be no rule that disallows children without DCFS supervision to share a room regardless of gender or age.

I know my mother claims there were only 2 years that she considered not being a parent - when I was 3 and when I was 15. I do not look forward to my own children's 3rd year.

[Charisse]

Hey anonymous, so not the only one! Mouse hasn't been full time like this, but whenever she hits a fussy stage or growth spurt this year, she is snotty, smirky, and just plain mean. ("I wish you died right now!!" "I want a different mommy, I don't like you!!")

I feel like the cycles have abated somewhat in intensity (she's now 3 &, what, 8 months?) so we get more "well if you say that I'm not your friend anymore--hmph!"...which while not lovely is not a declaration of war. And last night she made it all the way home in the driving rain, refusing to put up her hood or umbrella, and complaining the whole way without *actually* ceasing to move along in a semi-cooperative fashion. On less than 9 hours of sleep, too. Hey, it's progress, haha.

We've been trying to work a lot on her bargaining skills (I'd rather a negotiation than a screaming hardline refusal, except for the matters that are just hardline stuff) and on the idea that it's OK to change your mind, and if you've painted yourself into a corner just to win, it's o.k. to back away from your position and try again. I try to model these behaviors, with some success, ha. I think it might be helping, but it's probably mainly growing up.

Hang in there & sympathy!!

[Allison]

Anonymous, I feel your pain. Maya is 3 years, 2+ months, and since just before her third birthday, she occasionally turns into a mega-pill. Reading parts of the Ames & Ives book was really reassuring to me, too. Even my parents were stunned at the "change" in my sweet, normally delightful kid -- but then told me that the day I left her with them (anniversary w/dh, hooray), she was a complete angel the whole time.

Hang in there. I keep telling myself that since she's "acting 3-1/2" now, perhaps she'll be back in equilibrium by the time baby 2 is born in March!

[Amy]

I agree that it's the "step-" nature of the relationship that might make this a bit weird for both children ... I knew several kids with opposite-sex step-siblings, and there was the potential for crushes (usually the younger of the two would secretly crush on the older), even if just for the first few months of residing together, before the more brotherly-sisterly dynamics fell into place ... like it or not, a nine year old boy is definitely noticing the pretty girls - especially the older girls. It could just feel a little bit weird for both of them. BUT - if you don't have any other options - creating a sense of space and privacy for each of them, somehow, will be key - dividing the room with a screen or curtain as the other commentor suggested ... or providing some other corner of the house for each of them to have as theirs? Tough one ...

[susannah]

re room sharing, I think if you have to ask the question, it may not be a good idea. You don't mention whether they want to share, how long they have been step-sibs, etc. But I agree that if there are legal issues involved, given the potential for any of the key people in the mix to be uncomfortable with this, it would be best to consider other options if at all possible (I slept on a pull-out couch in the living room for years the 50% of the time that I was at my dad's).

[sue]

Re 3yo's - I'm with all of you. It shocks me that I'm *already* having to discuss my daughter's tone of voice with her. It seems like every other sentence out of her mouth causes me to say "is that how you speak to mommy? try it again" - and then I see friends with teenagers who tell me to cherish this time! I fear the future!

Re the stepsiblings - I would be hesitant. If the genders were reversed, i would absolutely NOT house a 9yo girl with a 16yo boy (maybe I've just watched too many talk shows, but i wouldn't do it) if they weren't brother/sister having grown up together (as it is, I plan to have my opposite gender children share a room until puberty looms. if my 9mo son ever learns to sleep without my nipple in his mouth, that is) and it makes me think that if I have such a strong reaction if the genders were reversed, that it wouldn't be right. It's a pretty visceral reaction - not much reasoning, but there you have it.

[Maria]

3 was HORRIBLE! 4 is better so far (two months in), though not without it's 3-esque moments. We had a rough week this week, on both sides. But this morning she built a huge city of block towers, wouldn't let me come into the living room while she was working on it, and when she finally unveiled her masterpiece, said "I built it for you because I love you so much". So, it's all pretty much worth it. Actually, I'm tearing up writing about it.

[rebecca]

I don't want my son to have toy guns, but I grew up (regular suburban childhood) both with guns in the house (real ones) and toy guns, and toy cannons. I knew and understood early the importance of safety and to leave the real ones alone. It was a non issue. My dad hunts. He's been taking my brother hunting for 30 years or so. Now my 9 year old nephew is gearing up for his first hunting trip. So, I'm not in favor of them, but I also think it's about learning the right attitude towards them.

Having said all of that, when I was about 20 or so our house was robbed and many of the guns were taken. A proper gun safe is really important.

I won't have guns in the house, and I know at some point my son will need to understand why I feel that way.

[MJ]

About 3 year olds - I've seen this happen with all my friends and I see it in the not too distant future with my own 2 year old. From what I can see, the babysitter-angel syndrome really is a result of knowing the clear boundaries with the sitter - either enforced by the sitter or (more likely) by the parents saying what is and is not okay to do/say to the sitter. It's clear, the consequences are consistent, and the child knows exactly what he or she can and can't get away with.

On the other hand, we are with them 24-7 and, quite frankly, don't have the energy for such consistency. That means that sometimes the child will do something and get away with it when they wouldn't normally. Enter the escalation of acting out to see just how far he/she can go. Enter the escalating exasperation of us parents who are just trying to get through another day at this point. It's exhausting.

The only suggestion I have is to try to pick one behaviour to extinguish. Do this by reframing the behaviour as a positive (ie. don't say 'no yelling' but 'asking nicely') and then rewarding every instance of that good behaviour you catch (ie sticker chart, big hugs, whatever will motivate your child). That small progress should make things better for the time being. And it could be contagious ... you may see improvement in other areas as well.

[Amy]

I apologize, I haven't read the comments... so I'm not sure if any of this is a repeat.

Toy guns--I banned toy guns, squirt guns, etc. in my house from the beginning. But my ex-husband has guns, has bought my 7.5 yr old a BB gun, is gearing him up to be a hunter, etc. My parents have also fed the gun craze by allowing Star Wars blasters and nerf guns at their house (don't get me started on having my parents undermine my parental authority). So, I get to do damage control. My son is *fascinated* by war. All wars. I am a history professor, so I'm pleased that he has taken an interest (even if it is military history), but even he confesses that what he really likes about war are the guns. So, I feed his interest with those "eyewitness" books and lots of talking about the various conflicts that interest him, but I try to drive home the social side of war. "You know guns kill people." "Yea." "And that those people are daddies and mommies, and brothers and sisters, and sons and daughters." Rolls eyes. "Yeeeees." So, I guess my point is that rather than freak out over his gun obsession (b/c clearly it's genetic with him), I've tried to make it more of an academic exercise. It gets him reading (he's been reading _Red Badge of Courage_ b/c he loves the Civil War), and asking good questions, and thinking about connections between events and actions.

As for 3 yr old girls... my sweet angel of a baby became a little devil at 3. She's 5.5 now and not a whole lot has changed. Independent. Mouthy. Sassy. Defiant. Manipulative. I think she's going to make a great CEO someday.

[sue]

@Amy - I *love* your attitude!

THe Ames and Ilg books saved my sanity many times. Although I find quite a bit of the gender and parenting info outdated, the general developmental outlines are fantastic.

Especially with 3 and 4 year olds. On those days when you feel you're raising a monster/future juvenile delinquent, they can pull you back to reality.

Good developmental info is always helpful.

I have the same inner conflict about guns.. water play is fun, gun play with sticks, lego, toast etc is going to happen.. but actual toy guns ... eep.

On the step child note, my 9 year old daughter shares a bedroom (bunk beds) with a 7 year old boy. This seems okay, so far, but I think they may begin to have divergent interests soon. My kids, 3 years a part in age, shared a room until my oldest was 10. He just needed his own space at that point.

[hedra]

One of the turning points for me and guns was talking to my DH about his upbriging. He's Quaker. Serious pacifist territory. They played with toy guns growing up. It was understood that this was play, and that one dealt with the ethics and values on a daily basis, separate from the play.

For safety concerns, I did some research and found that gun accidents are way in the low decimal places for frequency of risk, and while the severity of risk is high, my energy is better directed toward window guards and traffic safety. At the same time, the research also showed that no amount of avoidance or training means anything until about 10 years old - until then, it is supervision, supervision, supervision, because impluse control and ability to manage the temptation of touching a forbidden object is NOT fully functioning. Neither letting them touch a real gun and understand it is a tool, nor putting a forbidden-fruit/fear of guns into them will work. We have toy gun rules that mimic real gun rules (firing range rules, line of fire, etc.), but we also know that will not stop an accident from happening - just like I know they'll forget other safety rules when they're over excited, too. Protect, but do not trust their developing brains with too much.

Oh, and three. Yeah, three. Twin three year olds, with different management methods required, and two different sets of things that set them off. Whee. On the plus side, one of the things that worked with the olders works with them, too - that is, becoming their advocate for the things they want. Teaching problem-solving as a team skill, and convincing them that despite the past year of being the 'no, don't, ACK, that's fragile, put it back, hold still, we need to leave NOW' person, I'm really on their team, not on the 'other' team. When I advocate for what they want, and then include solving both my and their problem at once, the 'anti-mommy' thing reduces rather a lot. Not gone, but better. I have to convince them that I'm really on their team, though, because they're suspicious of my motives by now... I'm really (to them) only on mommy's team, and they're now able to be on their own team. Instant battleground. Problem on other side of line, me and child on this side, that helps!

Good luck. It still isn't fun, and it is hard to remember, especially when I have a time deadline.

[Carmen]

Regarding the room sharing... I can't comment on the legalities but if you don't mind I do have some thoughts on the matter in general.

I would look at their personalities and their comfort level before putting them together. That being said, both kids are at, or nearing, puberty age and having all sorts of private thoughts and feelings and (lets face it here) ACTIONS soooo putting them into a weird situation where one sibling is doing something while the other is THOUGHT to be asleep could be VERY horrid for them to bear. I speak from experience on witnessing things with my siblings that would have been even creepier and grosser had it been a step-sibling that I didn't know as well.

Am I alone here? I mean surely some of you with siblings can remember a time or two where you saw something you wish you hadn't with a sibling.

However, as previously stated, if your kids are cool with it then who am I to judge? You know what's best for your family.

[rudyinparis]

I am aware that at least in my place of residence* there are rules regarding the sharing of rooms by opposite sexes. I actually don't see this as an example of how invasive Biog brother is, I see it as a heartbreaking glimpse into what Child Protect Services are probably forced to deal with regularly. T doesn't mention logistics, i.e., is sharing a room the absolute only option? I say, if there is any other option at all, I wouldn't have them share a room. No way.

*not Paris.

[Jessica]

On the room sharing thing- my friend has an 8 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. She put them in separate rooms just this year, really because the girl wanted her own room.

I'd say that if both kids are content with the situation leave it alone. While it might be unusual, as long as e veryone is happy its fine.

On the squirt guns...I think squirt guns are great but I reeeeaaallllly dislike toy guns. But there are also have glue guns and staple guns. A lot more goes into teenage/adult violence than playing with water guns. I think the kids will be fine.

[kirsten]

I worked for many years in a housing authority and the guideline in my state is two people per bedroom. Thats it. Even if it is a mother and an adult son: one bedroom=two people.

[Shara]

Chiming in about the room sharing. I had two blended family situations growing up that relate to this. The first was my having to share a room with my older step sister when I was 8 and she was 13. I lived in the house full time with my mom and her dad and she was only there for the summer. But, to make it easier for her, she got to decorate our room and I was stuck with her stuff all year (pink and frilly - gag). We also barely knew each other, which made it really awkward. I had been sharing rooms with cousins for years without feeling uncomfortable, but this girl was really unfamiliar and the whole situation was just not good - we ended up resenting each other.

My second situation was when I went to visit my dad for a summer when I was 10 and shared a room with my 7 yr old half brother. This was weird at first because we had never met before sharing a room, but in the end we got along fine and I remember running around outside playing all the time with him and sharing cassettes and toys. One bedroom over was our step sister (a different one) who was 16 and wanted nothing to do with us.

IME, it depends on how well the kids know each other and get along before sharing a room. I also agree that puberty and sex issues are a concern. If it is the only option for your family, than you'll find a way to make it work and give your kids the privacy they need. I know how difficult blending a family can be - good luck!

[Sara]

Regarding the three year old phase....it does get better after three. My son who is seven now had a tough 3. It was like a little preview of the teenage years. It seemed like after he hit four we were able to reason with him better.