Q&A: only children

Too many irons in the fire! Sorry about the skipped day.

To the Jill who had the friend who would talk to K, could you email me at AskMoxie@gmail.com with your contact info so I can put you in touch? Thanks.

I've discovered several things in the past few days:

1. In order to use the auto-post feature of Typepad effectively, you have to know what day it is.

2. Green smoothies are excellent, but raw arugula does not taste good in them. (Current green smoothie recipe: raw spinach, mung bean sprouts, greens powder, kefir, raw almonds, a packet of Emergen-C for the winter season, frozen mango, frozen acai or blueberries.)

3. What was I thinking with all the skirts for work? I'm a skirt-wearer by nature, but between dropping my older one at school, walking to the subway, and walking from the subway to my office I walk 1.2 miles every morning. In the freezing winds of NYC. And I work in an office with only men, and my only contact with clients is by phone, so who even cares what I wear? I need more pants.

4. Have you ever been post-shower naked brushing your teeth in the morning, when suddenly both kids and one of the cats bursts in because the older child has decided to be Batman, "but not the real Batman, Mom! I'm a guy with two bats who attacks his brother--Batman! But they're just pretend bats!" and the little one is squealing and laughing and trying to hide behind your legs, and the cat just wants to be part of the action? And then when everyone's finally stuffed into clothes and ready to go, the little one poops? And people wonder why I leave the house with my hair wet.

Now on to today's topic. After that post a few months ago on spacing kids, I got a couple of responses from people about only children.

Lysa writes:

"My husband and I are in our mid-thirties.  We have a 15-month-old son.  We are university professors so money will never be aplenty (but time, at times, will).  We're really on the fence about having another child, for several reasons: resources (we want to give our child/ren everything we can and with two, as crass as it sounds, there'd be less to "go around"); timing and age (again: we're in our mid-thirties and *very* tired); selfishness (as much as we adore and utterly cherish our son, we secretly can't wait to get even a remote semblance of our old life back -- i.e. Preschool era approaching).  And yet, we feel strongly that siblings are somehow essential to well-being and adjustment (I hate that word).  I'm very close with my brother.  An only child himself, my husband feels indifferent: having never had a sibling he doesn't really know what he's "missed," but he also recalls wanting a larger family growing up (never had a dad).

Question: are there significant (i.e. Scientifically proven or obvious) disadvantages to being an only child?  What do people with only children notice?  Any major observations/experiences worth taking into account as we struggle through this indecision?"

Then Lisa wrote:

"Here's my context.  I'm a young, spry 30 year old Canadian that had a very normal childhood.  I have one sibling, 3y9m younger than me.  We fought a lot when we were young and once I hit high school, had very little to do with each other (mainly because of the age difference, dating, etc).  We are much, much closer now and have been since I left home 8 years ago.

My daughter is 17 months old.  Gentle, loving, sweet, beautiful.  Pregnancy was fine, delivery longish, but fine.  Normal breastfeeding challenges in the beginning and we're still going strong.  Sleep is a huge challenge, but we're coping through co-sleeping.

The reason for this preamble: I can see no glaring reason for my unending feelings of NOT WANTING ANY MORE CHILDREN!!!  Not just that I'm not ready for another, but I really don't want to do it all again.

I feel like a freak because of it.  For now, I can just tell family/friends/strangers that I'm just not ready as N is only 17 months, but that will change.

Is being/having an only child really that bad?  Am I a bad parent for only having one?"

You know, I don't follow a lot of the research on the optimum number of siblings to have, or how far apart they should be spaced. But I'm suspicious of a lot of that research anyway, because I think so much of how you relate to any siblings or to being an only, and how you feel about it is a heady mix of 1) how your parents dealt with the situation, and b) luck. And how do you control for that in research studies?

You know, there are people who love being onlies, and are very motivated and feel like they're lucky not to have had siblings. And people who feel desperately lonely being an only. People with one sibling who wished there were more (like me), and people who think one was enough.

One thing I'm pretty sure of, though, is that if parents don't have the emotional resources to deal with more than one kid, they shouldn't set out to have more.

[Before I go on with that, let's point out that you can't always control it. Some people struggle for years to have one, and don't have the luxury of considering having more than one. Some people have one and then can't have another. Some people only want one and then have a surprise baby. So, to a certain degree, this is all hypothetical anyway.]

But back to resources. If you don't feel like you can handle another baby emotionally or in terms of energy or time, you're going to put yourself in a really bad situation by having another one. You'll be stretched too thin to parent as well as you'd like to, and you just won't feel good about your life or yourself. I don't think the same argument can be made as strongly about financial resources, since having two kids isn't two times as expensive as having one. And your financial situation will, presumably, improve over time. You do have to consider how having less money will affect your parenting, in the sense of childcare, working hours, choice about where to live. Giving your kids "the best of everything" doesn't resonate with me personally, because I'd trade anything, including my college education, to have my brother. But there's a big difference between not being able to afford the very best thing because you have to buy two, and being stretched too thin with daycare or having no options for schooling.

So, yeah. You're not horrible for only wanting one. Or for wanting two. Or three, or four, or however many. If you feel that having a sibling is important, then have one. If you don't, you will have to do extra work to set up playdates and activities for your child. But if you do, you'll have the extra work of two kids, so it probably comes out even in the wash.

One thing I would like to say is that when my older one was in that 15-20-month age range, I couldn't even imagine having another child. That period was so lousy for me with the emotional stage of early toddlerhood that the thought of having another child in the mix was enough to drive me over the edge. So my advice for people wondering about this when their child is 15 months or 17 months is that if you think intellectually that you want to have another child, but emotionally don't want to, just make the decision to table it and revisit it in 6 months to a year. Once you're in a new stage, and your child is more verbal, it will probably become more clear to you whether you really want only one, or would like (and could deal with) another one.

Thoughts from the readers? If you got to decide about siblings, how did you decide? Did your decision change at all over time? If you didn't get to decide, how did you reconcile yourself? Regrets? Things you're happy about? Post anonymously if what you say could hurt your child's feelings someday.

Comments

[Laura]

Reading all of this has been very helpful, but I still have no idea what to do! DH is 34 and I am 37 and we have a 2 year old DS. I had an easy pregnancy and OK delivery. Nursing was hard but I managed. DS didn't sleep through the night until he was 7 months, which isn't bad, but at the time, it was pure hell (for me-being the food source). We both work full time and I have no interest in not working, nor can we afford it. We can afford another, but I am really perfectly content with DS. I can't imagine bringing another child into our home-it would crush him. Knowing the amount of time and attention a newborn/infant requires, I would not be able to give DS the time and attention he needs/deserves. I can't imagine how horrible it would be for him. Maybe over time it would be OK, but I can't be sure and I am not sure I want to find out.

Also, I am the oldest of two, and I wished I was an only my whole life. I didn't get along with my sister until about 5 years ago, and now we mainly complain about our parents, but I wouldn't say we are close. I think my parents didn't do such a good job with two-and I think most parents probably struggle with being far too strict with the oldest and too lenient with the youngest. I am incredibly resentful of how much my sister was able to do, everything she was given, that I either wasn't allowed to do, or was denied but she was allowed to. Yes, it's my issue to get over, but I am so afraid of doing the same if I had a second-I can see how easily it could happen. Being the oldest sucks in many ways and I don't want to do that to DS. Being an only, he gets the best of both worlds. He has lots of local cousins and has gone to day care since he was 3 months so he does interact with others.

I don't agree that he "needs" a sibling, nor can I guarantee that he and potential siblings will get along, take care of each other, or me, so unless I want the experience of having another, which I don't, I can't see any compelling reason to have another. Except that DH wants another. And doesn't think any of my arguments are valid.

I know I am so so late to this thread, but it's good to just get it out there.

[Mini]

have an older sister (by 2 1/2 yrs.) and hltosney we barely fought at all- including both the youngster wanting/sharing dynamic time and the teenage years. Really. This is not just my memory but family and friends input as well. How did we/ my Mom do it? Not sure. Some of it was that we had so few toys to even fuss over, and some of it was that being children of a single mom who needed to move a few times during our school years, made us need each other more. When I was young, my sister was my hero and she in turn treated me, not just with big-sisterly caring, but with respect too. Now my daughter and son are only just entering the stage of both desiring the same spot to sit and the same toy to play with. So I don't have much input yet, but we do talk a lot about the feelings and needs of all people in our household and as the compassion grows so may the desire to share sound time/ toy time/ together time. we will see.

[Zeynep]

Julie / Great topic! I love my brother and sitesr! Here's some ways we've stayed close as adults: Not allowing our personal differences to come between us. Giving each other space for personal alone time. Not being easily offended. A motto of mine is Be hard to offend! Most people aren't trying to offend you, so don't be offended (and if they are trying to and you fall for it, then they won!) Making an effort to spend time together. I love you, Kristy and Darren!!

[Tatiana]

Jennifer I have never been on your site but saw a FB post from Steph with the link wow! Pictures are awesome!! Looks like binusess is doing well we may have to book you for some pics of the kids in Jackson this summer!

[Amr]

I'm the last in my circle of freinds and most of my family - all of my freinds have had kids for quite a while (I'm 32 and most of them started in their mid to late 20s). Also, most of my cousins have kids now as well as nearly all of them are older than me.On the plus side - this will be the first grandchild for my parents, which I am so excited about! It will be the fifth for DH's parents but they're still pretty excited as well.Another perk - I now have a massive wardrobe of maternity clothes, covering all seasons, styles, and sizes, to choose from, courtesy of all of my formerly pregnant freinds. Very happy about not having to purchase a whole new wardrobe - that's for sure!

[Cahaya]

Our situation is a bit direffent, I think. A lot of our friends have decided not to have kids. We have one couple that has 3 year old twins. The other friend is just begging her boyfriend to marry her so she can have babies. The other friends (close ones) don't want them. As for family - my brother beat us out for first grandchild. My husband's sisters are 7 & 8 years older than him and and are done having kids. They have boys between 13 and 8.

[Jena]

Our future baby will the first on both sides for our paterns. DH's best friend is pregnant with their third and he has a few other friends that have had kids. But, I will be one of the first in my circle of friends. One gf in trying right now, but moved down to Texas so I rarely see her :( and my best friend lives in MN and they won't be trying for at least another year.All my other gfs are mostly in serious relationships, but not yet married!

[Ilyes]

it's very informative and full of info. Just like their witbese. You can even ask the Dr. Questions if you have any. Which you will eventually if you don't already.Trust me I feel like i've asked Dr.Cline so many questions he's probably sick of me...but I love his work, his knowledge and his book. He's always really helpful.