Q&A: only children

Too many irons in the fire! Sorry about the skipped day.

To the Jill who had the friend who would talk to K, could you email me at AskMoxie@gmail.com with your contact info so I can put you in touch? Thanks.

I've discovered several things in the past few days:

1. In order to use the auto-post feature of Typepad effectively, you have to know what day it is.

2. Green smoothies are excellent, but raw arugula does not taste good in them. (Current green smoothie recipe: raw spinach, mung bean sprouts, greens powder, kefir, raw almonds, a packet of Emergen-C for the winter season, frozen mango, frozen acai or blueberries.)

3. What was I thinking with all the skirts for work? I'm a skirt-wearer by nature, but between dropping my older one at school, walking to the subway, and walking from the subway to my office I walk 1.2 miles every morning. In the freezing winds of NYC. And I work in an office with only men, and my only contact with clients is by phone, so who even cares what I wear? I need more pants.

4. Have you ever been post-shower naked brushing your teeth in the morning, when suddenly both kids and one of the cats bursts in because the older child has decided to be Batman, "but not the real Batman, Mom! I'm a guy with two bats who attacks his brother--Batman! But they're just pretend bats!" and the little one is squealing and laughing and trying to hide behind your legs, and the cat just wants to be part of the action? And then when everyone's finally stuffed into clothes and ready to go, the little one poops? And people wonder why I leave the house with my hair wet.

Now on to today's topic. After that post a few months ago on spacing kids, I got a couple of responses from people about only children.

Lysa writes:

"My husband and I are in our mid-thirties.  We have a 15-month-old son.  We are university professors so money will never be aplenty (but time, at times, will).  We're really on the fence about having another child, for several reasons: resources (we want to give our child/ren everything we can and with two, as crass as it sounds, there'd be less to "go around"); timing and age (again: we're in our mid-thirties and *very* tired); selfishness (as much as we adore and utterly cherish our son, we secretly can't wait to get even a remote semblance of our old life back -- i.e. Preschool era approaching).  And yet, we feel strongly that siblings are somehow essential to well-being and adjustment (I hate that word).  I'm very close with my brother.  An only child himself, my husband feels indifferent: having never had a sibling he doesn't really know what he's "missed," but he also recalls wanting a larger family growing up (never had a dad).

Question: are there significant (i.e. Scientifically proven or obvious) disadvantages to being an only child?  What do people with only children notice?  Any major observations/experiences worth taking into account as we struggle through this indecision?"

Then Lisa wrote:

"Here's my context.  I'm a young, spry 30 year old Canadian that had a very normal childhood.  I have one sibling, 3y9m younger than me.  We fought a lot when we were young and once I hit high school, had very little to do with each other (mainly because of the age difference, dating, etc).  We are much, much closer now and have been since I left home 8 years ago.

My daughter is 17 months old.  Gentle, loving, sweet, beautiful.  Pregnancy was fine, delivery longish, but fine.  Normal breastfeeding challenges in the beginning and we're still going strong.  Sleep is a huge challenge, but we're coping through co-sleeping.

The reason for this preamble: I can see no glaring reason for my unending feelings of NOT WANTING ANY MORE CHILDREN!!!  Not just that I'm not ready for another, but I really don't want to do it all again.

I feel like a freak because of it.  For now, I can just tell family/friends/strangers that I'm just not ready as N is only 17 months, but that will change.

Is being/having an only child really that bad?  Am I a bad parent for only having one?"

You know, I don't follow a lot of the research on the optimum number of siblings to have, or how far apart they should be spaced. But I'm suspicious of a lot of that research anyway, because I think so much of how you relate to any siblings or to being an only, and how you feel about it is a heady mix of 1) how your parents dealt with the situation, and b) luck. And how do you control for that in research studies?

You know, there are people who love being onlies, and are very motivated and feel like they're lucky not to have had siblings. And people who feel desperately lonely being an only. People with one sibling who wished there were more (like me), and people who think one was enough.

One thing I'm pretty sure of, though, is that if parents don't have the emotional resources to deal with more than one kid, they shouldn't set out to have more.

[Before I go on with that, let's point out that you can't always control it. Some people struggle for years to have one, and don't have the luxury of considering having more than one. Some people have one and then can't have another. Some people only want one and then have a surprise baby. So, to a certain degree, this is all hypothetical anyway.]

But back to resources. If you don't feel like you can handle another baby emotionally or in terms of energy or time, you're going to put yourself in a really bad situation by having another one. You'll be stretched too thin to parent as well as you'd like to, and you just won't feel good about your life or yourself. I don't think the same argument can be made as strongly about financial resources, since having two kids isn't two times as expensive as having one. And your financial situation will, presumably, improve over time. You do have to consider how having less money will affect your parenting, in the sense of childcare, working hours, choice about where to live. Giving your kids "the best of everything" doesn't resonate with me personally, because I'd trade anything, including my college education, to have my brother. But there's a big difference between not being able to afford the very best thing because you have to buy two, and being stretched too thin with daycare or having no options for schooling.

So, yeah. You're not horrible for only wanting one. Or for wanting two. Or three, or four, or however many. If you feel that having a sibling is important, then have one. If you don't, you will have to do extra work to set up playdates and activities for your child. But if you do, you'll have the extra work of two kids, so it probably comes out even in the wash.

One thing I would like to say is that when my older one was in that 15-20-month age range, I couldn't even imagine having another child. That period was so lousy for me with the emotional stage of early toddlerhood that the thought of having another child in the mix was enough to drive me over the edge. So my advice for people wondering about this when their child is 15 months or 17 months is that if you think intellectually that you want to have another child, but emotionally don't want to, just make the decision to table it and revisit it in 6 months to a year. Once you're in a new stage, and your child is more verbal, it will probably become more clear to you whether you really want only one, or would like (and could deal with) another one.

Thoughts from the readers? If you got to decide about siblings, how did you decide? Did your decision change at all over time? If you didn't get to decide, how did you reconcile yourself? Regrets? Things you're happy about? Post anonymously if what you say could hurt your child's feelings someday.

Comments

[Charisse]

Oh, such a topic!! I too feel a ton of pressure to have another--Mouse is 3 1/2 and I've been getting "when's the next one" since she was 1. And until I had her, I was sure I wanted 2 or 3--and it's nothing negative about her. I could not love my little Mouse any more, it's almost as if she's just fully fulfilled my desire for children. Nowadays, when I see a little baby I think "oh cute" but I'm never jealous--and the idea of being pregnant (despite the easy pregnancy and birth I had) doesn't particularly appeal either.
I do admire close, big families, although as a very private kitty cat I'm kind of appalled by the way everybody gets in each other's business. (sorry, big family folks, I've just never done it and don't get it) Mr. C, who's an only with many parents--successive marriages, none of which produced so much as one step or half-sibling--seems to feel pretty much the same--our life works now with one 3-year-old, and what we see of our friends with 2 or more doesn't look like it would work. And...even 1 really only works for us when Mr. C is working in San Francisco--he can be expected to spend a few years in Silicon Valley on and off through his career and those times are barely dealable even with 1. Those are all rational arguments, I know--if we overwhelmingly emotionally wanted more, I'm sure we'd find a way. And I often feel that something must be wrong with me because I don't...but I just don't. I still say we haven't said never, and if the desire comes up we might try again, but it's seeming less likely--we're giving Mouse's crib, which has been in storage in case, to a friend and I have no pangs at this point.

Interestingly, out of myself, Mr. C, and our 4 parents there are only 2 people with siblings, myself and my mother. She has 5, only one of whom she's on speaking terms with (lots of problems, nothing to do with the fact of sibings) and I have one sister, who I'm certainly on speaking terms with, but we speak, oh, every month or two. My sister's health doesn't allow for pregnancy, and she's not at 32 very interested in a child, so Mouse is quite likely to be an only grandchild as well.
Some of the onlies have at times wished for siblings, but mostly as kids. They all have partners or friends that they're close to.

I'm leery too, because my parents definitely had the experience of having one very compatible kid (me) followed by one very different one and not adjusting well--and they and my sister have a ton of unhealed hurt to this day. I don't know that I could do better if I had a wildcard kid--I just don't have that confidence. (Because they did try, and they're smart, loving people, but they still can't see my sister's strengths to this day.)

I think some people would move somewhere cheaper in order to have another kid, but then I think the fact that we wouldn't do that (we love everything the city offers Mouse, and us) is another indication that our desire is somehow done. I don't really worry about Mouse--she hangs with friends and preschool is toughening her up to the teasing and so forth--I just worry that I'm abnormal or not affectionate or somehow disloyal to the sibling I have. But that desire for a child, which I remember so vividly, is just not there and my delight and adoration for Mouse seems to be what replaced it. (I assume if I was meant to have another I'd feel both simultaneously.)

Oy. Tortured writing, feeling the need to justify myself--should probably just stop.

[Nutmeg]

I"m in my early thirties. It took us a year to conceive my son, who will be 12 months in a couple of weeks. He has been a really rough kid. That has no affect on my decision about siblings, because honestly I am almost positive a baby could be HARDER than E has been. I've seen lots of babies and he takes the cake in temperment, eating, sleeping, etc. I know I can handle another rough baby and I don't know about toddlerhood but I think I could handle that too.

However, my pregnancy was a little rough and ended in an emergent induction for Pre-e. Everyone turned out fine and E wasn't really early, but the months of worrying about both him and me, before the final emergency took a toll on me and thinking about playing russian roulette again with another baby's well being (nevermind my own), kind of gives me a panic attack.

I won't be in a professional position where the likelihood of bedrest will be feasible for at least 4 more years.

I had a sibling and honestly, that relationship just couldn't have been worse for me for absolutely everything in my life as both a child and the long term impacts his behavior toward me have had on the rest of my life.

I love my son so much I can't imagine dividing my time, yet. I know that's not really how it works, but maybe this is just a justification for all those OTHER fears I mentioned above.

I know I don't want more than two kids, and I always thought I wanted two, until the last few months.

I can see the being afraid of burdening the child with the solo care of parents, as my husband has MS and will most certainly require care later in life, but earlier than most parents would. But honestly, I have a sibling and I still will be burdened with the solo care of my mother, since my brother is not to be relied upon for anything, so a sibling guarantees nothing! I do wish that I had a larger family when I get together with family because my in-laws are always so dominant in the situation because of their sheer numbers, so I don't want my little guy to have to deal with that himself.

Anyway... enough rambling, I really enjoyed reading other people's posts!!!

[Dawn]

My husband is an only and happy with it. I am a biological only w/ 3 step brothers who are now not actually legally that b/c our parents went splitsville too.

We will likely have an only. We are so effing tired all the time (I have my own Moxie question I need to write). We feel good with one. We have the energy and resources for one. I never want to be pregnant again or fight with delivery personnel again.

But... I keep keeping the baby clothes and not giving them away. I keep NOT sending my husband off for snippa snippa.

So my official answer for now is NO MORE until hubs travels less and baby sleeps through the night.

(By the time those two things happen I'm pretty sure my ovaries will be merely decoration....)

[anon]

i'm 15 months apart to the day from my younger sister, and 3 years apart from my youngest. growing up was hard - my younger sisters didn't really ever get along, and even now that it's better since we're grown up and on our own, they can still get into it when together for an extended period of time. i think that we each probably wished at various times throughout childhood that we each were an only child. my parents have a bad/angry relationship, and plenty of that was on full view to us as children. it made me think that i/we were to blame, and though therapy has helped we realize that's not the case, it's hard to undo years of that thinking. we were left to our own devices mostly, as they tended to be distant and absent, mentally and physically. i always thought that if there was only one of us, they would be happier and pay more attention. today, contemplating kids with my partner........maybe one someday. i love my career and my partner, and am afraid to irreversibly rock the boat. i wish you all the best as you plan for the future - do what feels good and right for your family.

[Attiton]

Having read all the above comments, I notice that many of the only children who have spoken out here tend not to be entirely positive about their experiences. So, please allow me to chime in.

I was an only child, and I loved it. I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Indeed, in some sense, I still am, and will always be an only. It is a part of who I am. Perhaps this is the reality that other commenters are sensing when they discuss their fears about their own parents' old age.

However, I am not, nor have I ever been, *alone.* Sure, there were times that I was lonely...but isn't that a part of life? It has made me more resourceful in my relationships.

I am now the mother of a 6-month-old. She may have siblings, she may not. We're going to go with our guts. Come what may, my parents gave me what I needed to become who I am. I hope that I can do the same for my little rabbit and any siblings she may have.

Societal pressure be damned! Let's all do what feels right. Such an approach just has to be for the best.

[Cynthia]

My husband and I have been talking about this alot lately. We have a 2 1/2 year old who is the light of our lives. The fun and relative ease of this stage definitely makes having another seem more doable now than even 6 months ago. And we definitely feel guilty about depriving our daughter of a sibling. But in our guts, we both are really happy with just one. Finally, that's the determining factor for us.
Interestingly enough, we've gotten very little outside pressure or even questions about having another. Maybe because we're both older (41 and 43) and most of our friends are also older with onlies.

[Claudia]

I'm afraid to bring this up with my husband. He's said before that he wants two kids, and I just can't see it happening. I'm almost 40, and our daughter is almost 20 months. When she's 3, I'll definitely be feeling too old to do it again.

However, my brother and his wife recently told me that should anything happen to them, they want their son to come live with us. I said of course, and that thought doesn't give me pause at all.

So I guess I'm completely up for what is clearly the right thing to do, but not for what isn't clear. I love our girl, and I don't feel like anything is missing, at all.

[Linda]

I have 2 siblings and I cannot imagine going through my mom's cancer diagnosis, treatment, remission, relapse, treatment, remission, relapse and subsequent hospice care without them. My brother took care of all the financial stuff and my sister and I (both nurses) provided the hands-on care. Yes, we had other friends/family come and help, but it was mainly the three of us banding together to care for the woman who cared for us. It was the most horrific and beautiful experience I've ever had. I cannot imagine doing it without my siblings~the burden would have broken me. I cannot imagine being in charge of every decision, from little things like who will go and pick up pain meds from the pharmacy to what songs will be played at the funeral. The entire situation was overwhelming as it was.

I also cannot imagine having my entire nuclear family gone, no one to reminisce with about my childhood and look over old family albums together. My husband is wonderful, but he was not there for my ninth birthday party or that horrible family vacation of '84.

I am not saying that having only one child is wrong or bad or really anything other than your decision, but I AM saying that my siblings have proved irreplaceable in my life.

[Jennifer]

Amen Kate! I'm an only and my daughter will be an only. Her teacher says she is one of the very best at sharing in the classroom--probably because I have really worked on that with her at playdates. I have to say that there isn't a right or wrong global decision here. But I do think that the decision should be made based upon what the parents want--not on creating potential relationships for siblings.

Siblings to me seem a bit like a crap shoot. In the best case (and I have several friends who have this wonderful scenario) siblings have a deep bond and they enjoy spending time together. In the worst case, they can't abide one another. You don't know which way it will turn out. In this day and age where people move all over the country and world for jobs, sometimes sibling bonds don't seem as tight. It seems like I know a lot of people who are just in loose contact with siblings. I have so many lifelong friends who fill a sisterly role for me--one of whom also is an only. We think of ourselves as sisters and have been in almost daily contact for almost 20 years.

Regarding eldercare, I have a friend who is currently going through absolute hell with her siblings regarding decision making and inheritance issues. I have another friend whose sisters passed away and she has to make all of the eldercare decisions herself. Alternatively, one of my dear friends traveled to help me move and pack my elderly grandmother when that time came and she has been there for me every day.

[electriclady]

I've been thinking about this too...we are both the oldest of 2 sibs and always thought we wanted at least 2, maybe 3 kids. Then we had our daughter, now 10 months old, and it's really, really hard to imagine having another.

For me, the issue is complicated by the fact that I had a tough pregnancy (16 weeks of bedrest) followed by numerous breastfeeding problems and a rough postpartum adjustment. I just don't know if I can face going through all that again (both bedrest and breastfeeding issues are likely to be repeated).

On a more selfish note, I love my daughter beyond all reason and can't imagine not having her, but I have to admit I do miss the life I had pre-baby, and am eager for the days when she's a little more self-sufficient. So I'm not sure I want to plunge back into that newborn phase again, short-lived though it might be.

A friend of mine who has a child about the same age and is already ready for another said that what it comes down to for her is feeling like there is still someone missing from her family. I feel pretty complete right now, and so does my husband.

I'm not super close to my brother, so I don't think my daughter is necessarily missing out on something awesome if she doesn't have a sibling, but I do think it's nice to have someone else who understands how insane your parents are. At the end of the day, right now all the reasons TO have another child are about her, and all the reasons NOT to are about me and my husband. So right now it's a no--unless we change our minds and really want another, I don't want to have another just because we think we should.

[doodlebug]

Oh boy. I think about this all the time, but am posting anonymously today. DS is 2, I am 36.5, DH is 37. My husband and I have ongoing problems that some days don't seem we will ever work out. I know adding a sib right now would not be good for our marriage - and might be the demise of it in the future. But I have to admit......I want DS to have a sib. Badly. I have a brother, we went through a LOT of shit growing up (divorce, emotionally abusive stepmother, father who did nothing and finally - thankfully - abandoned us to be raised alone by our mother). I am so thankful to have had my brother through all of that. IF DH and I do not make it, I want my son to have a sib to lean on, to be there for him after DH and I pass on......and yet, I also feel it's very irresponsible for me to want another child in the midst of what might be a marriage that ends in divorce. Selfishly for my son, for myself, I want another one. I want DS to have a FULL sib, not a half or a step, not into the blended family for him - I had one and it was okay but........

I feel like I'm rambling. I want DS to have a sib. I want it to be a full sib. I feel like I'm a bad person for wanting one with DH even though things with us might not work out. It seems unfair to the unborn child. And yet....I want one for DS. And myself. Oh the guilt.

[BeBe]

Hey, who knew there were so many university-professor-couples-with-one-child reading Ask Moxie?

My family is another example. I've posted before about this- I had a preemie (28 1/2 weeks early) and we just barely squeaked out of the NICU unscathed. My daughter has mild CP, which we she is dealing with very nicely, thank you.

Having another one is out of the question for me, since I understand the risks of this happening again. I just couldn't do it.

That said, it is clearly the best thing for our careers as well, so it's a career opportunity, so to speak, that I'm not good at being pregnant.

But, I want another baby so badly, I can taste it!!

[Anon]

I had my first child, who was my unexpected blessing, after having always not wanting children. I made a conscience choice when I found out that I was pregnant that I had to get a grip, and be the best mother that I could be. Sort of a "I did the time, I need to do the time" mentality. I had an easy pregnancy, hard labor followed by a c-section, and then promptly fell into a horrifying case of PPD.

My first child was a hard baby. Wonderful and sweet, but hard. I didn't know why he was so hard, but I had my suspicions, until he was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. This diagnosis was after I was already pregnant with my second child. I was crushed to think that I might have inadvertently given my second child the same genes, and to be honest, that I would have to deal with two special needs kids at the same time.

For me, the decision to have a second child came out of two things: I wanted my son to have a sibling, and I wanted another baby. It really was that simple for me. Sounds sort of crappy once I write it, but sometimes the truth is crappy. Oh, just for the record, I had been married for 3 years when I got pregnant with our first, and the second is also my husband's baby. (Married almost 7 years now.) I just don't buy into the "we" are pregnant thing. Not until they get heartburn so bad it wakes them up, and they have to buy new shoes for just the last month of the pregnancy because their feet are so swollen! :o)

During the entire time from my first pregnancy to the birth of my second child and then 9 more months, (when I again had severe PPD from having my second child - also a c-section baby). I took care of my dying mother who lived with me. (She had end stage colon cancer and we fought it for years.) My brother and I had been estranged for about 6 or 7 years when she died. We are not estranged anymore. We did not grieve the same way about our mother, but being related has absolutely no bearing on the grief process. The fact is that having our mother die showed him that he was wasting valuable time, in which he could have a meaningful relationship with me and my children.

I too would never have imagined wanting another baby when my first was anywhere near 17 months. Oh my, that would have pushed me off a cliff! Bless those who do that and excel though. I am amazed!

This probably didn't answer anyone's questions, but I feel like I touched on the topics presented in the post as well as the comments. Personally, I have been so busy with death, and special needs, that this was never a hard question for me to answer. Maybe sometimes people think too much about this sort of thing. When something is right, it will feel right.

I posted anonymously because I don't want my children to know about this, even though they are young now. Mainly because I have NEVER told, nor will I tell, my son that he was my unexpected blessing. I don't ever want him to think that I didn't want him, and I hope you will all understand that.

[Shelley]

I was just getting ready to write in about this. Can't believe how timely this was.

Having just come through my second late first-trimester miscarriage (after there was a heartbeat and all was supposed to be well), and third miscarriage total, I am so utterly uninterested in getting pregnant again -- I have one, wonderful 4-y-o who was born before all this started happening. I can't imagine when I would feel confident in a pregnancy medically, and probably never would emotionally. I attempted to have a second because of the sibling factor (among other issues), but comfort myself with the thought that sibling relationships are kind of a crapshoot -- it might be great, but might not.

The nice thing about this miscarriage, if one can say such a thing, is that this time around I don't feel the same pressure to try again. Least of all from myself. It is a relief, I have to say.

But the next person who comes at me with some negative comment about onlies, or "about time for another one, isn't it?" or whatever, is in danger of losing their front teeth.

[stacy]

I come from an odd place on this. I have 3 half-brothers who are all much older than me. I love them, of course, but we definitely don't have the sort of relationship that most full siblings have. Because we didn't grow up together. I was the only "kid" in the house for most of my youth, and as a result I had an upbringing more typical of an only child.

I did long for a sibling near my age, no doubt. But at the same time, my childhood was happy and I am pretty well-adjusted as an adult. Ultimately, it doesn't seem to have mattered very much. (Though who knows if I would be saying the same thing if I didn't have my half-brothers, however distant they are.)

That said, I do agree entirely about the importance of the "elderly parent" issue. It is a huge burden for an only child to bear alone. My mother has failing health (though she's only 61) and *thank God* I have the help of my half-brothers to deal with it. Especially since I had a baby in 2006 and there is only so much of me to go around. Without my brothers, I seriously would have collapsed under the weight of my mother by now.

Still, even the elderly parent concern is not enough to make an ironclad decision. You could stay healthy and independent until you die. You could get hit by a bus when you're 55. There is no guarantee that your kid is going to have to take care of you at some point.

[Laura]

Very thought-provoking post and comments! I have a related but slightly different question: if you're lucky enough to be able to plan your family, how do you really know when it's time to be "done"? I always thought it would be obvious, that my family would finally feel complete at a certain point. Well, I have 3 children, which I always thought would be my "magic number", and I still think about having another baby. Do all women go through this when their years of getting pregnant and giving birth are ending? Or is my ambivalence a sign that I really might want another child? I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has found themselves grieving the passing of this phase of motherhood.

[Monica]

This is definitely something we are struggling with as well. I love my daughter (she's almost 2 and a half) but I am still SO tired (sleep is a challenge, still) and I just can't see myself with another one right now. BUT...my husband and I are both in our mid-thirties also, so we need to think about this. Add to the fact that we both have sibs we're very close to, we're fearful of depriving Madam of the same experience.

That being said, we've pretty much decided to try for another...maybe next year. Hopefully she'll be sleeping through by then. :)

[susan]

well, this has helped (we're not alone in the dilemna) and not helped (there's no right answer). but I love alllll the views you have given!

Here are my random thoughts:

As a 39-year old only child, I've got "sister-friends" who are "sisters-by-choice" and I know that they will be there with me in my old age, when my parents are gone and my 52 year old husband is gone, so that my (most likely) only child (now 18months) doesnt' feel the burden that I feel with my mother.

read into that what you may.

If our child is our only child, we'll do our best to keep him VERY close with his cousins (biological and cousins-by-choice).

It's a tough one, but like the decision to have a child in the first place, I don't think too many people regret having one, and I don't think too many people would regret having another.

[Lucky]

Before I get into my own - likely to ramble - comments, I thought I'd offer this:

Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only
by Susan Newman Ph.D

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Only-Child-Challenges-Raising/dp/0767906292

So. My DD is 5 and she is / will be our only. I got pregnant easily, had an easy pregnancy and an uncomplicated delivery. She was a fairly easy baby - slept through at 12 weeks, textbook development. She is a happy and well-adjusted Kindergartener. Why not have another?! Well. My DH is one of five and he loves 'em all ... but wanted ONE. I was ambivalent. Really wasn't interested in any until I met him and we got married. I do sometimes feel that baby longing - which I assume is mostly just evolution whispering in my ear "procreate" ... because while the emotional tug is sometime strong the mental / intellectual is NOT. We never stopped eating out or traveling - including overseas. We started backpacking again the summer DD turned 3. She makes friends easily and is generally a nice kid so I expect she'll continue to always have friends. We live in an urban neighborhood so she has ample playdate opportunities - which we exploit to the fullest. We have socked away a good chunk in her 529 plan. We can get long-term care insurance for ourselves if when we need elder care she is living far away. My brother and I were living far from each other when my dad died. It was good to be around each other for the service, etc. - but my boyfriend at the time and other peers were what / who got me through that. I expect my husband and friends will be the ones I lean on when my mom dies (god willing not for years). Anyway, my point - I am at peace with our decision to have one. The newborn longing I sometimes feel (and I agree - it is for DD *again* - not a new baby) is forgotten when I realize how much I like our life AS IS. If we had another I'm sure we'd rise to the occasion and be fine. But I like THIS. I've been thinking a lot lately (mid-life crisis? I'm 41) about how there are just some things I am not going to have / not going to experience in this life that given the chance I might have enjoyed - being a sib in a family full of girls (I envy sisters' their bonds), being one of those musical families you hear on Prairie Home Companion (I don't sing or play an instrument and nor does DH) and having a houseful of kids and seeing the big 'uns take care of the little 'uns are a few. Oh well. I have a different life and I'm ok with that / am happy with it.

[Kathy]

Shelley wrote:
"But the next person who comes at me with some negative comment about onlies, or "about time for another one, isn't it?" or whatever, is in danger of losing their front teeth."

I can't believe people would say that! I never, ever assume that people can automatically have children whenever they want, even if they already have one. I never assume that people aren't childfree by choice, nor do I assume that they aren't childless by infertility or bad timing.

And I would never ask a recently married person when they plan to start their family. What if they had just suffered a miscarriage? Or really don't want kids and feel like a freak when everyone pressures them to procreate?

This isn't to say that I don't care. I'm curious as heck. Just too tactful to ask!

[Lisa C.]

Before I had my son I always said I would have two kids, because I wanted my children to have siblings. He is now 4.5 years old, and will be an only child.

What can I say other than "life gets in the way sometimes." My husband bought a business that has consumed him, mind, body, and soul for the last 3 years. I have been basically solo parenting for that whole time. The business doesn't make any money. We're broke. Child care expenses (our second largest bill every month - eclipsed only by the mortgage) are killing us. We are 9 months away from (free, free, free!!!!) Kindergarten, and I can't even fathom starting over again, especially with an $1100 per month price tag attached for child care.

So for us, emotionally, physically, financially... we are maxed out. Done. Finito.

Hopefully we will be able to provide a decent life for our sweet son. That's all I can hope for.

[Maria]

Okay, I'm going to write before I read all the comments - and I'll try not to write a novel.

I'm an only child myself, and as I put it now to whoever asks, chances are big that Mio (18 months) will be an only child as well.

I was happy as an only child, never asked for a sibling. I think the best thing it gave me is that I am comfortable being alone. The main disadvantage, to me, is that I didn't learn to argue and fight in a low-impact environment - fights with parents feel more threatening than I imagine fights with siblings to be.

Although my parents never pressured me into anything, I did feel the pressure of their attention (and that of grandparents) being always on me.

The reason I think Mio will be an only child is that I had a hard time during pregnancy, spending 10 weeks on bedrest (pregnancy-induced hypertension - never developed PE, but came close), and I don't want to go through that again. I can't imagine how to pull that off with a toddler, or what it would be like to him should I have to go to hospital for bedrest.

The fact that I have good memories of my childhood as an only child makes this decision easier, though I won't deny I sometimes have doubts, as well as a desire for another. But I truly feel I could be happy as a mom of one, and I also truly believe Mio will be fine as an only. My husband is supportive, and at the moment he also feels he doesn't have the emotional resources (time, energy) for a second.

The one thing that worries me is that our extended family is very small as well, with me being an only child and no nieces and nephews in the foreseeable future in my husband's family.

There is plenty of (semi-)scientific evidence indicating that onlies are no worse off. I read somewhere that a very important factor is the attitude of the parents. I you as parents always yearned for another one and are unhappy with having only one, the child often will pick up on that. Makes sense to me.

Finally, I strongly believe that you have to figure out what will work best for your family, and not let yourself feel pressured by the inevitable questions from your mom, your friends and the neighbor on the street.
Personally, I like to test people's reactions when I come right out and say we'll probably stick with one, but I'm a bit mean that way, plus I feel it's important to fight the notions that being or having an only is A Bad Thing.

Finally, can I just say how much I love Moxie's last sentence about choosing anonymity?

[Blythe]

Another grown-up only child here. All of your thoughtful comments are right on. In the end, choose what feels right for you and it will be the right choice.

It amazes me, in this day of non-traditional families with single parents, grandparents raising kids, step-siblings and half-siblings and two mommies and two daddies, that only children are still singled out (ha! "singled" out!) as being unusual. As long as you're treating one another with love, and taking care of one another, no family structure is wrong.

I will add that I think it's very important for parents of only children to keep the situation in a positive light. I always got questions about being lonely or spoiled, and my mom's unfailingly positive spin (though she would have had other kids if she were able, but due to infertility and divorce she could not) made me shrug off anyone who teased me and helped me feel special, not strange.

[Kelly]

My husband is an only child through chance and choice, and I have a half brother who is ten years younger than me. We both wanted to do the opposite of our parents, and so when our first son was six months old, we got pregnant with number two, who turned out also to be a boy. Now, when they are almost 5 and 3.5, I watch them tumbling around the living room and whacking each other with all their strength and am gladdened and infuriated. Happy that they are so close, and angry that they won't stop destroying my house! I think we made the right choice, and am quite happy they are such good friends.
In reponse to Jan, who asked what to so when one partner is on the fence about having more kids- well, if it's really important to you, keep talking it out. I really wanted a third, once ds2 was weaned and sleeping through the night, and dh didn't want another one. It took about six months of talking... and I'm holding dd on my lap as I type this- she's 7 weeks old.

[Maria]

Yhe novel, Chapter 2: The Elderly Parents

Ah, yes, forgot to write about that one. I haven't had to face this with my parents yet, but around me I've seen that siblngs can be a huge source of support, but also a huge source of strife. Often, the burden seems to fall mainly on one of them and there's a lot of resentment all around.

As a parent myself, I feel the obligation to make sure our child will not have to be responsible for caring for us. So we will have to plan (financially and otherwise) accordingly. I hope that's not to naively thought.

[anon this time]

Oh, this is such a touchy subject for everyone.

Thank you, Moxie and others who have acknowledged that this is not something you can always control. There are those who want more than they (can) have, those who have more than they want and yes, sometimes they're partnered with each other.

Now that we have three, my husband has been saying (a lot) that he never wanted more than one. But then, our situation is pretty unique- our first happened after two miscarriages, then was followed by a twin pregnancy 9 weeks post-partum. Did I consider an abortion since they were so very close? No. Should I have? I don't know. Would I have? Probably not. But. The stress on our marriage has been immense. Someone above (couldn't find the comment again) said they want their marriage to be ok, too. And I think this is so valid.

And yeah, I love them so much, I can see having more- but right now we are chronically sleep deprived. Our twins are healthy, but they were colicky for a good three months and that was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. For those who think they will always have enough time and energy for all their children, well, in reality when you don't, it is heartbreaking.

Of course, there are bright sides as well. Already, my children are so close (they are 10.5 months apart) they laugh in delight at seeing one another after a nap, a night of sleep or a day of separation. Pure joy.

Finally- I wish everyone would but out when asking others about how many children, when and if they'll have them. My mother likes to say we got our family all at once, but it's wrong of her to assume that we're done having kids.

[Melissa]

DH and I have been having similar discussions although with a diffrent situation. We are unable to have children but 8 months ago were so happy to meet our daughter who we adopted from China. We saved by cutting back on everything (not going out to eat, small simple vacations) now that our wonderful DD is in daycare, we cannot seem to save much at all so IF DD ends up getting a sibling it won't be until she is older 8 or 9 (out of daycare and time to save money for new adoption not to mention the wait!). So it seems like that route we might just have 2 onlies so to speak.

[Mommyprof]

We're university professors, too, and I'd like an e-mail when you guys get the support group started. Two comments - we had our second about 11 months before I had to have my tenure dossier complete (waiting to hear now) and that was really, really rough. Although your physical recovery from birth and your financial impact is less, the mental fog that blankets the nursing/sleep issue stage is just as bad, and is not conducive to high-quality scholarly work, at all.

Second, I was an only child, and I enjoyed it. Spouse has two brothers, and he enjoyed that, too. I would decide based on how much you want another child, not how much you want the first to have a sibling.

[td]

Not sure if anyone is still reading this thread, but I'm totally with those of you who are struggling with a disagreement over adding to the family. I always pictured life with children, plural. I was very clear about this when dating my now-husband--and he was in agreement. It's only now that he's changed his mind.
to his credit, it's not a capricious decision--we're older (mid-30s), we had a very difficult, high-needs baby (although healthy, t'god, and getting easier now), and perhaps most critically, our marriage (which was fair-but-workable prior to kid) worsened dramatically and is in a pretty bad place now, so it seems totally selfish and pigheaded to have another child. although i have to question whether part of the reason the marriage is in a bad place is b/c of our lack of alignment on this issue.

and to be honest, when i think back on the long lonely nights of no sleep and constant nursing, or when i look at my weekend days now, a blur of a 12-14 shift of child care with little relief or assistance, i think to myself, "are you insane? how would you possibly handle another child?"
but as the youngest of a largest family, i LOVED having siblings, and i deeply regret not being able to extend that environment to my child.
finally, one more thought on this--i have a boy, whom i love beyond measure. but i always wondered if there was a little girl out there for me, and it's incredibly sad to come to terms with the reality that there's not.

[Angela]

Just thought it interesting that sex (male/female) hadn't come up yet -- perhaps because no one wants to admit it. My younger sister was the result of my parents trying for a boy -- and the whole family always knew they were disappointed that they didn't get their girl. As an adult, I know several couples that kept trying for the child that was the opposite gender of #1 -- with mixed results (ending up with three boys, etc.) I was never baby crazy, and we were not in a rush to have children -- but when I did imagine having a baby, I always imagined a girl. I have a amazing little baby boy, and I won't feel incomplete if we never have a girl -- or a girl and a boy. But, sometimes, the voice in the head thinks: but wouldn't those little dresses and bows be fun? And then I hope my very good friends have little girls that I can buy frills for.

[Angela]

Just thought it interesting that sex (male/female) hadn't come up yet -- perhaps because no one wants to admit it. My younger sister was the result of my parents trying for a boy -- and the whole family always knew they were disappointed that they didn't get their girl. As an adult, I know several couples that kept trying for the child that was the opposite gender of #1 -- with mixed results (ending up with three boys, etc.) I was never baby crazy, and we were not in a rush to have children -- but when I did imagine having a baby, I always imagined a girl. I have a amazing little baby boy, and I won't feel incomplete if we never have a girl -- or a girl and a boy. But, sometimes, the voice in the head thinks: but wouldn't those little dresses and bows be fun? And then I hope my very good friends have little girls that I can buy frills for.

[hedra]

A happy only I encountered on another discussion of this suggested that we re-frame the 'why don't you give him siblings' commentary back as 'why would we take away the many advantages of being an only, just to give him a sibling?' It's kind of a viscerally shocking thing to say in our culture, but it certainly has its truths.

@Laura, YES, grieving the passing of your childbearing years is NORMAL. My mom hit it like a wall when she had an emergency hysterectomy. She was totally unprepared for the grief over losing the *ABILITY* to have a baby, when her youngest was in his teens and the idea of having a baby was a serious NO. On deeper consideration, and much talking with peers, she found that everyone goes through this, different ways, different stages, different issues, but normal process. It's a transition, and transitions always come with doubt. Am I really done? Is this enough? Is it right? Can I go on from here? It's like transition in labor - doubt is the hallmark. Sometimes, certainty in the negative (I absolutely KNEW that I couldn't go on in labor without outside assistance during transition, even though I was wrong on that point), more than doubt. But yeah, that vague wondering and doubt, grieving, feeling stuck, that's all normal. It comes gradually if you're just outgrowing your childbearing years and heading into pre-/peri-/full menopause. It comes like a brick wall if you make the final decision to get 'fixed' or you have extended medical issues or infertility or repeated losses or children with disabilities, etc., etc. All at once, then, and it can still take a year to process it all.

Anyway, you're normal. I only wanted two (before I met DH, though I'd dreamed of three as a child), agreed to DH's three readily, had four. And just sobbed the day I realized that by my (our, but including my) own decision that we were done (before even taking further action on that), and that I'd never have another childbirth. Okay, so I'm a nutjob, and I freakin L.O.V.E. giving birth. Never doing that again ... took some getting used to. At the same time, I knew I was DONE DONE DONE, because as my girls outgrew their baby clothes, I put them away with 'YAY! never have to deal with THAT again' instead of 'oh, this was so sweet, aren't they precious, wouldn't it be cute on another baby?' even in my heart of hearts. I unload the castoffs as fast as I can! WOO! DONE! Still had to grieve the change.

RE: Dealing with the realities of what we have: I never 'wanted' girls, either. Three boys was what I expected. Not that I wouldn't welcome girls, just ... well, everyone seemed to think that by having girls, I could replicate the (very nice) relationship I have with my mom. Forgetting (even my mom forgot this all the time) that if one looked at my sisters and my mom, half have good relationships with her, and half have iffy to rough relationships with her. 50-50 odds in our tiny sample that I'd get what people seemed to be wishing on me if I had a girl. And here I am with two girls, whose personalities are remarkably like, oh, the two sisters who *don't* get along with mom! Fortunately, I 'get' both those sisters better than my mom does, but still... wishing for girls, or boys, or sibling relationships, or a happy only, we tend to picture the upside in our hopes (or perhaps of the 'cultural expectation' since onlies get stuck with the downside all the time, and not much upside hopes/dreams), and don't really delve that much into the other side. It's easier to dream the good stuff, and harder to grieve that dream because it is so idealized. Making a more accurate picture of the dream may help make it easier to grieve it, too.

Though there's also the ubiquitous holding out for grandkids option... ;)

[bree]

My Mom has four siblings, and I have one sister and two half-brothers (one older, who grew up in Australia, and one much younger, who also lives far away). As much as my sister and I fought growing up, she was also my best playmate. Although we are not especially close now, when it comes to crunch time, we do pull together. She was an amazing help and support at my wedding, for example. I agree with the other commenter who mentioned that your sibling is the only one who 'gets' just how crazy your parents are (and how great). It does help to have someone around who has been through it all with you. I watched my mom and her siblings as they grieved the death of my grandma, and also how they rally around each other when life gets tough. I think it's pretty special.

All that said, I wanted a pack of kids going into this whole journey, but now I find myself thinking that if it was only to be the one, I would be okay with that. My little bear is NOT an easy baby (high needs is a kind euphemism) but I love him so much that I find it hard to imagine how I could love him and his sibling equally. Part of it is that I have a six-year-old stepson as well, who I love (but since baby bear came, it's not been the same). I like the idea of my baby having sibling playmates, and I like the idea of having more kids ... I just feel like he takes so much attention and love that there might not be as much for a new member of the family.

Then again, if it actually happened, maybe I"d find that it is possible to love two (or more) just as fiercely.

For those who are worried about having high needs kids, as long as you don't waste energy comparing to 'easier' babies, it'll all be fine. I think that it took longer to fall in love with my baby because the newborn period was so hard, but now that he's a gorgeous six-month-old I think that the hard beginning actually makes me love him more deeply.

[Julie]

I feel there is another baby out there for us. Both my husband and I want them to be closer in age than they will be. As it stands now, it's looking like baby will come when Alex is about 3 or 3.5. I am planning on a radical career shift - moving from education (and the wonderful schedule) to a FULL time job where I can make some money to help pay for all the things we want for our kids. And yes.....plural. But I can't even start a new job search until school is out in June, and I can't even begin to think about a new baby until I've been in a new job at least a year. So that kind of makes me sad. But the flip side is that childcare costs will be spaced out so that kids won't be in preschool together, or college together.

But then.....in the back of my head I wonder if, when it comes "time" to start trying again if I'll have the nerve. I totally understand people who want to get it over with all at once. When Alex is 3.5 or 4.....will we have it in us to start over again? Things are getting easier by the day, our marriage is getting back on track again.......

There is no right or wrong answer. Sometimes "surprises" are a blessing because it takes all the obsessing out of the equation - as if any of us can control our lives. Man, what a myth.

[Jessica]

A little late, I know, but I wanted to add that I very definitively DO NOT WANT any more. Ever. And my kid is great, no problems etc.

People seem to think that if you have one you HAVE to have more, or that you automatically want to, or if you don't you'll change your mind...but I really DO NOT want anymore. My daughter is just going to have to make friends. I'm not doing it again.

And no woman should feel bad, guilty etc about feeling like that.

[Tracy]

We had our first DD when I was 40 and hubby was 42, so wanting more is pretty much a moot point.

But our family feels complete, so even if we were younger, we'd probably be done. I have also told people "she's so perfect why jinx it by trying again" when they ask if we are having more. And what's up with that anyway??!! Before we had her EVERYONE would ask when we were having kids. Now its "are you having more?" Seriously, why is it any of their business?

And about jinxing it? I truly feel that in my gut. That might sound weird. But when we were pregnant I just knew she was fine. At 40, the dr's want to scare you to death about what could go wrong, but I just had such peace about her. I even refused the amnio. Now, not so much.

She's only 3, and we both work at home, but we make it a point to have her around other kids. Neighbors, church, cousins. I think she'll start a little dance class in Jan.

My bro is 2 yrs younger than me, but we dont even speak. He has made really bad decisions in his life ( drugs, cant keep a job, wont see his kids) So a sibling doesnt always bring joy. Sometimes it brings heartbreak.

So like pretty much everyone else has said, you gotta do what is right for YOUR family.

[Shandra]

I left the discussion yesterday but have come back to it today.

I really don't know... I have had two kids, plus 7 miscarriages, but I have one surviving son. I think I might like to try for one more, but I'm not sure I'm ready to re-enter the world of pregnancy and delivery.

I have a sister and wouldn't trade her for the world - but we are so different that even talking about "how crazy our parents are" can be strained. When it's not, it's very good. :)

I guess ultimately I think there are too many variables to control as far as the future goes. You can't make your kids like each other (although you can influence some things). You can't guarantee they will be comforted in their grief - and if a sibling dies, they'll have that grief too, before /or/ after your death. Funny how we forget that, as parents.

I have a member of our extended family by marriage who was one of six siblings. One Christmas Eve the whole family was on the road and had an accident... only she and her parents survived.

Anyways - ultimately I guess I think trying to make decisions about siblings to guarantee anything is a mistake. I think choosing for the present is a good way to go, if it's possible to get that zen. :)

[Kate]

I'm the middle of three children, and both my siblings are problematic. It's more likely that I'll end up having to take care of them than of my parents, who have planned pretty thoroughly for their own aging.

I have one 3-year-old son, and I'm in my mid-40s. I feel no requirement for another child; I ignore the rude questions. And yet... we're trying. Or at least, we're not trying not to. My son was conceived with IUI, so I'm pretty sure I won't get pregnant again. My health insurance no longer covers fertility treatment. If I do, it's likely to be another difficult pregnancy (gestational diabetes).

I would be happy for DS to have a sibling, but I'll be ok if he doesn't. I feel as though I have more love to share and that a sibling would be ok with him.

We'll get what we get. :shrug:

[a mom]

i have a sister 5 years younger. hated it growing up but love her more than anything now. my husband was a lonely singleton.

we have a 2 yr old and a 3 month old baby.

baby #2 was a 'surprise' and i was really unhappy at first. for a good portion of pregnancy i was lukewarm to the whole idea. i knew we wanted to have 2 but not so damn close! kid #1 wasn't even sleeping through the night yet! i honestly would have had a really hard time deciding on the right time for #2.

once baby #2 arrived though it was so clear that he belonged in our family - we needed him here!

we don't have a ton of money and live in a 2 bed apt but we have so much love and fun in our family now. we wear hand me downs and live for today not worrying that we might not be able pay for our kids entire education (hello student loans).

the family love and special bond of a sibling (in my experience) is way more important that $$ or sanity/sleep.

so in my case the surprise element really worked out!

[Shelley]

I just want to say -- I really, really appreciate all the commenters, especially the adult only children and the parents of only children. It's just really nice to hear from you all in my present circumstances, getting used to the idea that my daughter is probably going to be an only, as right now I just cannot face another pregnancy and the strong possibility of another miscarriage. (Side note: I know there are people who go through far, far more than I have in their quest for one or more children, but we all have our personal limits and I think I'm finding out where mine are.)

Again, thank you -- it truly helps to hear your perspective.

[jesse]

I don't know if anyone is still posting but here it is: my husband wants only one (our DD is 23 months). He is 28. I (41) want two (perhaps through adoption as the fertility surely must be waning), in part to ease the existential loneliness that we all fear for our children, as mentioned above. But what terrifies me the most, which I am able to suppress most of the time, like most mothers I suppose, is the terror of losing my baby, like Hedra's mother did. What then? How could I continue without the primal pull of loving and caring for a little one?

[Menita]

My son was born when my daughter was 15 months and I agree, it was the worst possible age for me to even think about my having a second child but there we were and there he was. The first six months were utterly awful but now, I wouldn;t have it any other way. Because they are so close in age there are all sorts of things I can do with both at the same time. She doesn't remmeber a time in her life when he wasn't around, he thinks she hung the moon. She serves as his interpreter, he comforts her, and they get to be babies together. It worked out.

[hush]

As a child, I hated being an only because I was always keenly aware of other people pre-judging me based upon that status: assuming right off the bat that I was spoiled, didn't know how to share, etc. Growing up in the Midwest in the 80's, there were very few families with only children in my community, so my situation seemed abnormal, and I felt sensitive about being "different"

As an adult, I absolutely love being an only! Now I finally "get it" and can see all of the advantages I've been able to enjoy relative to my friends with siblings... very little family drama, parents financially set for retirement & beyond, parents paid for private college; I was able to go on every school trip, had braces, went to the dermatologist, took piano and ballet lessons, always had good clothing, and my parents threw us a fabulous wedding. Yes, I am spoiled (at least economically), but I honestly cannot complain.

I should also clarify: I didn't come from money. Not even close. My folks have never made six figures in their life and never will-- they have just lived frugally and made careful choices. In their late 20's, my parents had the foresight to know that one child was all they could reasonably manage both financially and emotionally.

It's true, you can't miss what you never had. If I had had a sibling, I would probably be a little nicer, and a little poorer. All in all, I'm pretty happy with the hand that life has dealt me.

[Foster]

Having more children so your child doesnt have to go thru hard times w/ parents by themselves? NO, NO, and NO. When making funeral arrangements for my father, it was just my mother and I and I wouldve had it no other way. Was I alone? Heck no! Number one, I had my husband; I am never alone w/ him in the picture. Number two, I had many good friends who were with me during my fathers illness and who were there for me during the funeral part. Not to mention extended family and in-laws for support. I also got to see the crap way in which my fathers sbilings were not there for him while he was sick and how much that hurt him.

See, that is the part no one talks about when they talk about siblings. It is always seen as a defecit when a child is an only, but what about all the people who have crap siblings? None of my siblings are in jail. None are on drugs. None of my siblings are assholes, or irrisponsible, or violent. See what I mean? Many people are not at all close to their siblings, even as adults. And we all know the horror stories of the sibling who shows up when mom or dad dies and asks how much money they are getting. Of course, we always think that our kids are going to turn out to be awesome, but that isnt always the case. There are two sides to this coin, too.

[hedra]

And oh, the sibling battles with inheritance issues! "You never really know someone until you share an inheritance with them."

Fights on holidays, drama, jealousy. Yes, I'm glad my kids have each other, but I'm also watching as one of my 'only' friends (of which I have many) gets to decide with her husband (also only) where all their inherited stuff will go. The worst arguments seem to be how fast to sell it and which items are worth keeping - but no hard feelings over who loved that item most, or who got how much, no sneaking off with the crystal before the other brother arrives, etc. Very simple, yeah, all the hastle in one set of hands, but no additional hastles provided by others, either. One of my sisters is executor for my mom (may she live another couple decades), and I'm medical decisionmaker. We're not forseeing loads of issues, but that's mainly because my mom has a book of specific instructions and supporting information about 3 inches thick, keeps her finances in good order, and talks openly about the process ALL the time, AND everyone knows everything up front. She's creating no wiggle room (after having shared inheritances twice with her sister... lessons learned!). This ends up being one of the areas that if you DO have more than one kid, you may have to really work at to make it function well, and there's very little effort required for onlies.

two of G's best friends are onlies. They both seem to have a hard time not touching people. Granted, one of them has a crush on G, so there may be hormones involved, but they both (one boy, the girl has the crush) touch his hair, bump into him, crowd his space, etc. Small sample size, but it was notable - neither seemed to spot the subtle clues that they were crowding. Okay, so the girl would have ignored the clues anyway, given the crush thing... must.touch.the.boy. Ah, 10. So new to the hormones.

[hedra]

Okay, I spelled hassle with a T, like, twice. I blame it on 'no coffee yet this morning'. Oy.

[Anonymous]

As an only with an only, I say do what feels right for you and your family, factoring in temperament, etc. And yes, 15 - 20 mos. is a bit premature, especially for those of us with spirited tykes.

Happy families come in all sizes. ;-)

There's a bunch of us, some more committed to onlies than others, that frequent the Parents of Onlies board at BBC. I recommend it to anyone on the fence or certain. It's a great support network.

[Ali]

I'd like to recommend the book "Maybe One" by Bill McKibben to anyone wrestling with this question. I recently read it and found it tremendously helpful.

[Anon]

My parents lost a child in between me and my sister, and they were never the greatest people to begin with. Needless to say, my sister and I don't speak. I have an only child on purpose, probably due to my own issues, and I intend to keep it that way. Most of my European friends tell me it's very "American" to want a million kids, all consuming the world's resources not to mention their family's. And just to add about old age care, my MIL has 2 sibs who did squat for their parents when each passed on. It was all on her. Moxie, this site is a blessing, and I thank you for such articulate, humorous advice and for keeping a community of fellow parents in touch.

[anon...late]

I am the oldest of 5 and love each of my wonderful siblings. However, I often felt the financial pressures because my mom would complain about it. Sometimes, I would ask her why she had so many kids then? And she would ask me, would I give any of them up? (Um...yes, I was 12 and I could imagine my life as very happy without most of them).

I now have a daughter and she may be an only...it's scary even writing that. My husband and I both come from larger families and assumed at first that we must have 4, then 3, then, after our daughter was born, maybe just one or two. We LOVE her and she is EASY besides her sleep and determination. But we feel apprehensive about another.

It is probably mainly due to the sleep thing (we both LOVE our 8-9 hours/night) and ... he's unemployed and I'm not working and we're living in his parents's basement...yeah, that'll kick any desire to create MORE financial instability.

I'm really encouraged by all these comments, but still don't know what's best for us.