Q&A: only children

Too many irons in the fire! Sorry about the skipped day.

To the Jill who had the friend who would talk to K, could you email me at AskMoxie@gmail.com with your contact info so I can put you in touch? Thanks.

I've discovered several things in the past few days:

1. In order to use the auto-post feature of Typepad effectively, you have to know what day it is.

2. Green smoothies are excellent, but raw arugula does not taste good in them. (Current green smoothie recipe: raw spinach, mung bean sprouts, greens powder, kefir, raw almonds, a packet of Emergen-C for the winter season, frozen mango, frozen acai or blueberries.)

3. What was I thinking with all the skirts for work? I'm a skirt-wearer by nature, but between dropping my older one at school, walking to the subway, and walking from the subway to my office I walk 1.2 miles every morning. In the freezing winds of NYC. And I work in an office with only men, and my only contact with clients is by phone, so who even cares what I wear? I need more pants.

4. Have you ever been post-shower naked brushing your teeth in the morning, when suddenly both kids and one of the cats bursts in because the older child has decided to be Batman, "but not the real Batman, Mom! I'm a guy with two bats who attacks his brother--Batman! But they're just pretend bats!" and the little one is squealing and laughing and trying to hide behind your legs, and the cat just wants to be part of the action? And then when everyone's finally stuffed into clothes and ready to go, the little one poops? And people wonder why I leave the house with my hair wet.

Now on to today's topic. After that post a few months ago on spacing kids, I got a couple of responses from people about only children.

Lysa writes:

"My husband and I are in our mid-thirties.  We have a 15-month-old son.  We are university professors so money will never be aplenty (but time, at times, will).  We're really on the fence about having another child, for several reasons: resources (we want to give our child/ren everything we can and with two, as crass as it sounds, there'd be less to "go around"); timing and age (again: we're in our mid-thirties and *very* tired); selfishness (as much as we adore and utterly cherish our son, we secretly can't wait to get even a remote semblance of our old life back -- i.e. Preschool era approaching).  And yet, we feel strongly that siblings are somehow essential to well-being and adjustment (I hate that word).  I'm very close with my brother.  An only child himself, my husband feels indifferent: having never had a sibling he doesn't really know what he's "missed," but he also recalls wanting a larger family growing up (never had a dad).

Question: are there significant (i.e. Scientifically proven or obvious) disadvantages to being an only child?  What do people with only children notice?  Any major observations/experiences worth taking into account as we struggle through this indecision?"

Then Lisa wrote:

"Here's my context.  I'm a young, spry 30 year old Canadian that had a very normal childhood.  I have one sibling, 3y9m younger than me.  We fought a lot when we were young and once I hit high school, had very little to do with each other (mainly because of the age difference, dating, etc).  We are much, much closer now and have been since I left home 8 years ago.

My daughter is 17 months old.  Gentle, loving, sweet, beautiful.  Pregnancy was fine, delivery longish, but fine.  Normal breastfeeding challenges in the beginning and we're still going strong.  Sleep is a huge challenge, but we're coping through co-sleeping.

The reason for this preamble: I can see no glaring reason for my unending feelings of NOT WANTING ANY MORE CHILDREN!!!  Not just that I'm not ready for another, but I really don't want to do it all again.

I feel like a freak because of it.  For now, I can just tell family/friends/strangers that I'm just not ready as N is only 17 months, but that will change.

Is being/having an only child really that bad?  Am I a bad parent for only having one?"

You know, I don't follow a lot of the research on the optimum number of siblings to have, or how far apart they should be spaced. But I'm suspicious of a lot of that research anyway, because I think so much of how you relate to any siblings or to being an only, and how you feel about it is a heady mix of 1) how your parents dealt with the situation, and b) luck. And how do you control for that in research studies?

You know, there are people who love being onlies, and are very motivated and feel like they're lucky not to have had siblings. And people who feel desperately lonely being an only. People with one sibling who wished there were more (like me), and people who think one was enough.

One thing I'm pretty sure of, though, is that if parents don't have the emotional resources to deal with more than one kid, they shouldn't set out to have more.

[Before I go on with that, let's point out that you can't always control it. Some people struggle for years to have one, and don't have the luxury of considering having more than one. Some people have one and then can't have another. Some people only want one and then have a surprise baby. So, to a certain degree, this is all hypothetical anyway.]

But back to resources. If you don't feel like you can handle another baby emotionally or in terms of energy or time, you're going to put yourself in a really bad situation by having another one. You'll be stretched too thin to parent as well as you'd like to, and you just won't feel good about your life or yourself. I don't think the same argument can be made as strongly about financial resources, since having two kids isn't two times as expensive as having one. And your financial situation will, presumably, improve over time. You do have to consider how having less money will affect your parenting, in the sense of childcare, working hours, choice about where to live. Giving your kids "the best of everything" doesn't resonate with me personally, because I'd trade anything, including my college education, to have my brother. But there's a big difference between not being able to afford the very best thing because you have to buy two, and being stretched too thin with daycare or having no options for schooling.

So, yeah. You're not horrible for only wanting one. Or for wanting two. Or three, or four, or however many. If you feel that having a sibling is important, then have one. If you don't, you will have to do extra work to set up playdates and activities for your child. But if you do, you'll have the extra work of two kids, so it probably comes out even in the wash.

One thing I would like to say is that when my older one was in that 15-20-month age range, I couldn't even imagine having another child. That period was so lousy for me with the emotional stage of early toddlerhood that the thought of having another child in the mix was enough to drive me over the edge. So my advice for people wondering about this when their child is 15 months or 17 months is that if you think intellectually that you want to have another child, but emotionally don't want to, just make the decision to table it and revisit it in 6 months to a year. Once you're in a new stage, and your child is more verbal, it will probably become more clear to you whether you really want only one, or would like (and could deal with) another one.

Thoughts from the readers? If you got to decide about siblings, how did you decide? Did your decision change at all over time? If you didn't get to decide, how did you reconcile yourself? Regrets? Things you're happy about? Post anonymously if what you say could hurt your child's feelings someday.

Comments

[Tara]

I'm struggling with this very issue. I have no words of advice for others, but I appreciate your addressing it, Moxie. Thanks.

[AmyinMotown]

Interesting that you say you could not imagine two when your son was 15-20 mos. old. I felt the SAME way, like "Are you KIDDING me?"

of course, now I am 29 weeks pregnant and my daughter just celebrated her 3rd birthday, and that brings its own set of "oh dear" moments. Either she is so sweet and lovable and funny and we're in such a great groove I think "HOW am I going to deal with a newborn again?" or she is so defiant and stubborn that I think "How am I going to deal with a newborn on top of this one?"

But, she is so interested in the baby and tells me things she's going to do with him --she is so sweet and loving it makes my hormonal self cry. I've been lucky to have a easy pregnancy both times, which I am hoping translates into an easy baby both times. And mostly? One just didn''t feel "done" -- if we hadn't been able to have another baby, I think we would have always felt somebody was missing. I picture us as a family of four and just feel so blessed.

When I am not terrified of the logistics, etc.

I can't picture what life would have been like without my brother, so I can't say I would have been perfectly fine without a sibling. I like the sibling I have an awful lot; he's funny and smart and a genuinely good guy, and I am now the aunt of the world's two cutest little nephews ever because of him. But I will say this: you don't owe your kids a sibling and there is NOTHING wrong with not wanting another. I know onlies who suck and onlies who are great, and I know my one girlfriend who was an only listens to my sibling stories with a look of complete horror. I do notice a certain self-centeredness among onlies, but that trait is certainly not limtied to them either!
We wanted another baby not because we were so set on giving our daughter a sibling but because WE wanted another child in our family, because that felt right to us. Do what feels right in your heart and screw the opinions of others or what yu think you "should" do.

[Michelle]

I am an only (not a planned only, my parents got divorced before I was 2) and I always wanted a sibling. Specifically an older sister who could have stopped me from wearing New Kids on the Block earrings or introduced me to U2 before Achtung Baby came out.

But I digress. Being an only I always knew I wanted more than one child. But when I found out I was pregnant again when my son was only 7 months old I learned a severe lesson in being careful what you wish for!

My son is now 20 months old (and I can totally see why someone with a toddler this age would freak out at the idea of having another!) and my daughter is 5 months old tomorrow (part of the 4 month old sleep rebellion last month).

I love having two, even as close together as they are. Yes, it is challenging, I have had to scale back my work simply because we couldn't afford the child care we wanted for two. So we have made some financial sacrifices and I now clip coupons religiously, but we are surviving.

I am glad they are close because I can be home with both of them while they are little and hopefully they will be close as siblings as well (reading Siblings Without Rivalry now, thanks Moxie!).

For us the debate is now centered on whether to have any more...we are kind of stereotyped now as the Crazy Catholic Couple among friends (no one else has two yet) so we are always asked if we are having more. The answer is we don't know. I am taking preventative measures to prevent another
"surprise" (how Catholic am I now? Ha!) but my heart isn't ready to say never...

For me it's a purely emotional decision. Yes finances and time resources are important, but on those, where there is a will there is a way. I just want to be sure I can take care of my myself, my marriage, and my two kids before I add another to the equation.

[clarabow]

We are probably sticking with one. It took us a while and some technology to get us our little bear in the first place, so we are mature parents (I'm 38). Both of us have siblings that we're close to, but I know a number of happy onlies. We're taking a lot of comfort in the fact that DH's brother and wife just had their first, and they are local, so bear will have a close-in-age cousin nearby. I'm close with my extended family too, although not geographically anymore. One of my cousin's kids is an only (8 years old), and when she's asked if she has a brother or sister, she enthusiastically replies "no, but I have a LOT of cousins!" I think there are lots and lots of ways to build family attachments beyond the nuclear.

[MrsHaley]

Speaking as an adult only child, what seems tough about this is what Lysa & Lisa seem to be feeling as our society's denigration of the decision to have only one child.

There's nothing inherently bad or damaging about having or being an only child. There are various "consequences," as there are with any birth order placement, but there's nothing WRONG with it, in and of itself. Only children are not disadvantaged by not having siblings -- it's just a different child rearing paradigm -- and there are so many of those!

Society's message that having or being an only child is somehow "less" than having siblings is insulting to those of us who are / have only children. There's no reason to "feel sorry" for those who didn't have siblings, or to feel like onlies "miss out." Those feelings are totally dependent on the individual and the family. It's as much a personal, intimate decision as having children at all. As long as the decision is the very best for the family involved, then there's no quantification to be made about it.

Onlies are ok. Sibs are ok. As long as each and every child is wanted, cared for and loved, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY THERE ARE.

[Liz]

This is so interesting, as my husband and I are in the exact same situation professionally, age-wise, and energy-wise. We are both University professors, mid-30s, with a 5 month old daughter. I don't have tons of advice, but to say that Moxie's suggestion of tabling the decision seems to make a whole lot of sense. I remember just about 3 weeks after our daughter arrived, my husband and I were sitting in our kitchen and he looked at me and said, rather exhaustedly, "God, Liz...I don't know if I can do this again." At the same time it was hard to hear, I secretly felt the same way--at that moment. But even now when I see teensy newborns who seem so small compared to how much our girl has grown, I think, "well...maybe I could do this again."
Perhaps over time, your thoughts on the matter will shift.

I also want to second what Moxie says about 'giving your child everything you can.' If I had to choose between having more things and having my sister and brother...hands down, it would be my siblings. And while being professors doesn't make one rich, it's not the most dire situation either. So unless you're totally struggling, I would take the $$ part out of the equation. (Just think, their College education will be taken care of if they attend your school--so that's got to help, right??)
Good luck with your thinking on this.

[Shannon]

I was talking to my mom about this issue, saying that I didn't think I would ever have the energy for a second (first is currently 9 months). She said, "There's a reason most siblings are 3 years apart."

[Shandra]

I really do wonder where the idea that having an only child is selfish or damaging really comes from. Does anyone have any idea?

[Melissa]

Wow we're in the same boat too. Hubby will be 40 next June, I'll be 36. We've got a 16 month old but my husband has two boys ages 12 and 19! He's been a dad since he was 20 years old and he's not sure he wants to do it again. He is feeling too old and valuing sleep too much. Plus he says our little Bean HAS brothers (and some nearby cousins that are 4 and 1, a little closer in age). But to me its not the same. I want another so she has someone to share all those things in life that you can only share with a sibling. I'm one of those have-a-sister-that-I-disliked-until-she-moved-out-and-now-we're-close.

We're already down to one income though as dad does the stay-at-home thing. We agreed that if the situation changes somehow and I could be home more then we'll have another. But I don't see that happening anytime soon. :-(

[Miriam]

One more thought to factor in: you never have to be a first-time parent again. My second was born three weeks ago (we are also thirtysomething university professors; we need an online support group!). So far, the experience has been SO much smoother this time. Part of that has to do with a more mellow-tempered baby, but a lot of it has to do with our vastly superior skill set as parents. Just as having two doesn't cost twice as much as having one in economic terms, it also might not cost as much in emotional/sleep loss terms because you understand how babies and young children work and how better to parent them.

[Katherine]

My daughter is 14 months and I'm 5 weeks pregnant with #2.

I am an only child and it made me personally feel strongly that my daughter should have sibling(s). I was happy growing up as an only. I vaguely wished I had an older brother, probably because of an older cousin I idolized. It's now as an adult that I wish I had siblings.

I was adopted when my parents were in their mid-40s. They're getting into their mid-70s now and have health issues. It's scary knowing I'll be dealing with the inevitable difficult situations and eventually grief by myself. And when they're gone the entire nuclear family I grew up with will be gone. That thought hits me pretty hard sometimes. I find myself very envious of the super close relationship one my best friends has with her sister.

Since I'm adopted I sometime wonder about biological siblings I might have out there, but that's a whole other can of worms I'm not sure I'm ready to open.

Those are just my personal experiences and I'm sure there are onlies out there who feel differently. If we'd lived closer to extended family it might have been different and I might have had some closer relationships to my cousins now.

[Brooke]

Thanks, Mrs.Haley!

I think most people don't consider when talking to other adults about how they don't want their kids to be only children because they'll be spoiled/selfish/bratty that they might, in fact, be talking TO only children. Not to get on a soapbox or anything.

I don't remember minding being an only child except when my parents were divorcing. But generally speaking I never worried about not having siblings.

My mom said she would have liked to have another if it meant she could have *me* at different ages. Which never made much sense until I had a kid. Now I want a second because I miss having a baby, but I want my daughter over again. We will almost certainly try to have a second because I want to be pregnant and nurse a baby. But if it doesn't happen, I won't be sad for my daughter to never have a sibling.

[Anony]

Has anyone had any experience where one parent doesn't want more, but the other does? It's totally lose-lose - you'd think logically that his "no" vote would win over my "yes" vote (you can't un-have kids), but I worry that I'll be feel forever incomplete if we only have our one daughter.

[Melissa]

"Just as having two doesn't cost twice as much as having one in economic terms, it also might not cost as much in emotional/sleep loss terms because you understand how babies and young children work and how better to parent them."

...Or you could have a bunch of different problems with the second one. I always hear people talking about how the second is so much easier, and that hasn't been my experience at all. I wouldn't trade my boy for the world but I have to say, I was completely unprepared for things to be harder this time. Breastfeeding, sleeping--everything we thought we had figured out with the first has been a challenge with the second. I'm not trying to be a negative Nellie but I just wanted to point out it's not always a cakewalk the second time around!

[Arwen]

My personal opinion is that you cannot *make* your kid happy or unhappy by providing or failing to provide siblings. I'm the oldest of six and had a lovely childhood, but I've known of plenty of people who felt they were deprived emotionally by being part of a big family. Conversely, I know many only children who've always wished for one or more siblings, but then I know people like my husband who had a very happy childhood as an only child.

I think what makes the difference is not the number of children in the family, but the manner in which the parents do their jobs as parents. It seems to me that if they make the decisions with the child(ren)'s happiness and well-being in mind, and that do their best to provide emotionally for all their children and love them to best of their ability, they can't go wrong.

As for me personally, my husband and I have always wanted a big family. So, ironically, we're subfertile. We have one 13-month-old who took 30 cycles to conceive, and we've got no promises that another one is coming along any time soon. I always imagined any kid of mine would not lack for siblings, but we might end up with an only child. And I'm firmly convinced that - although we as parents would be a little disappointed - our daughter would be just fine. Because we're going to do our best with her no matter what happens on the sibling front. :)

[Arwen]

Oh, one more thing. I think Katherine is right one: if there is a compelling reason to have another sibling "for the sake of" an existing child, then it's not because it will necessarily make the kid's childhood better, but because it will save the child from having to care for elderly parents by himself or herself, which is actually a pretty big burden. Is it enough of a reason? I'm not sure. But I do think it's something to consider.

[Swampy]

We have made the decision to have an only and I still feel a little guilty.

Our daughter is from IVF and donor sperm. After she was born I immediately wanted another one. But was much less sure after a rough first year and realizing I'd be handling 2 on my own most of the time since my husband travels for work 75% of the time and we have no family around.

We started another IVF cycle when my daughter was 18 mos. I found that this time my FSH levels rose so that IVF with my eggs was no longer an option. That left donor eggs + donor sperm, donor embryos or adoption.

And that is where we stopped. My daughter is now 3 and I am 42. I feel like I don't have the emotional or financial resources to go through what it will take to have another kid, let alone dealing with the kid once it gets here.

[anon for this]

When I was 20 I wanted no kids.

When I met the right guy I wanted 4 kids.

Once we had one I wanted her to have a sibling, from her early childhood.

(I have four "half" and "step" siblings, but all of them came into my life when I was 10 or older. I am close to only one of the four, but he is 12 years younger than I am and at a completely different stage of life. Eventually I think we will be good friends, but I don't know if we will ever really get over the age difference and feel like real contemporaries.)

We had another child. The kids are about 2 years apart, and it's still in the stage where it's "hard" (kids are 3.5 and 1.5). Now it could be that I have not slept since 2003, but most days I feel really content with our family as is.

However, in our [religious] community, having only 2, unless there are pretty large constraints (financial, medical), is relatively socially unacceptable. Thankfully my husband has pretty much said the discussion for more is off the table until if/when I say so. He is also pretty damn tired, just like me.

It's hard to say how I will feel once everyone sleeps through and uses the potty. Will I miss nursing? Absolutely. Will I miss certain parts of newborn/baby/toddler things? Yes. But do I have it in me to shepherd more than the two I have through all that PLUS whatever is coming down the pike for ages 3-the rest of their lives? I have no idea.

People who have more than I do say you never regret your last child, which I'm sure is true for most. If I had a 3rd child I'm sure *I* wouldn't regret it, but would my other two?

[Christiana]

I'm an only that always "adopted" close friends as my siblings, so it was very evident that I would have liked a sibling in my younger (and even now) days. Of course, there were benefits to being an only as well.
My DH is one of 4 - and he likes the number 4. We've agreed that the plan is to have a minimum of 2 and then discuss, but when he started talking about planning for our second when I'm not even done birthing the first yet... I panicked the other night. Let me adjust to 1!!! :-)

I've always assumed that 2-3 years apart is ideal since most of my friends who had younger siblings had them spaced like that. Makes sense to me.

[clarabow]

Arwen and Katherine, there are ways to avoid saddling an only child with the burden of caring for elderly parents. We are hypervigilant about both saving and planning for our own eventual aging. I have already investigated what continuing care facilities are available in our area and we aren't yet 40. My parents have already done their planning, whereas DH's mother has not -- after seeing this contrast we are very very clear which of those two categories we want to be in so the bear won't have to worry or scramble. The grieving alone over the loss of a parent, however, is an angle that I'd never thought about.

[Maman_du_Petrus]

I'm 36, husband is 31, I am a university professor and he's in the midst of applying for a similar position. Our son is 26 months old. Here in Quebec a university professor position is quite a good job $$ wise, so money is no object, but time is. I wont have permanent status (if I get it) until I am 39, so for now I have to do as much research as I can and my husband will be in the same non permanent position for 5 years too once he lands an academic job. So that's what I tell people when they ask "when is the next one coming?" (which I have no idea why on earth they feel they have the right to ask???). With this excuse of "not having time because of our career", I don't have to expose my real thoughts, which I am saying right now for the first time to anybody: "the truth is, I don't want another one because the one I have is perfect."

There, I said it...Maybe I am projecting my own fears of being wrong about this choice, but I can't imagine telling people that I don't want another one, afraid of being judged as another poster explained. Like I am mistreating my child by "making" him a single child. Or that by doing this, I am judging their choice of having more than one child, or meaning that I don't like my sister and that I wished I was an onlie myself...etc... a long monologue I am playing over and over in my head. Well, maybe I base my monologue on things I hear around...once I talked vaguely about having only one child and somebody objected "but what would you do if he died?" yes of course, people who have more than one child do not mind loosing one, everybody knows that. ah!

Where is that notion that only child are "worst" than children with siblings from? Maybe a parenting book from the 50s?

[hedra]

We always had planned on 3 kids. But after G, I had one miscarriage, then another. At that point I realized that I might have only one child, and I'd better get comfortable with the idea so I didn't make some bad parenting choices due to my own issues... so, I did my usual research.

The best quality research I found (no idea where it was, at this point) said that Onlies have the both the benefits and detriments of being BOTH firsts and youngests at the same time. It makes for an interesting set of strengths, combining drive and self-esteem (with luck and parental effort), and also challenges difficulty compromising/sharing and being bossy/controlling (also dependant on luck and effort). The result tends to make for leadership skills, as well as a tendency to be lonely *IF* they're carrying a full load of the detrimental side (rigid and controlling/self-centered is the thing that seems to create relationship tension in the onlies I know) (that is, it isn't being without sibs that makes for later issues, it is knowing how to maintain a relationship effectively - sibs NOT required to learn those skills, though sibs *will* beat them into your head automatically). Mainly, onlies are as happy with their lot as the sib-sets, or as unhappy.

I figured we'd load on the play dates and toss G in with his cousins as much as possible for the relationship stuff, support his education in emotional literacy and relationships, and generally try to let him be himself in all of that. G as an Only? Sure, not a problem.

And then I got pregnant, and then after more losses got pregnant with twins, so we're definitely not on the 'onlies' planet. But after the whole circus of getting to here, I'm far more likely to ask a peer with one 2-year-old, 'are you getting pressure to have another yet?' rather than 'when are you having more?' Because everyone can commiserate with the pressure from family/society/etc., no matter what their future plans or restrictions may be.

As for seconds being easier, define easier? I recently told someone that second kids are easier the same way more schooling after your college degree is easier - You know how to learn. You're still learning new stuff, some may be harder (say, that PhD or the kid who is utterly unlike yourself or who has health issues), some may be about the same or even easier (second bachelor's degree general requirements courses, BTDT level). But the main thing after you've done the rounds once is that you know how to work it, how to learn, how to study, how to tell when you're floundering and need help. Same with second kids - it isn't that it is 'easier' necessarily, but you know how to learn, and you know that fussy stages end, sleep will eventually return, and they won't 'do this' until college. THAT is easier. Oh, and you are not the only playmate in the house. I'll count that as the main 'easier' that is real, though include the 'you're now also the mediator for conflicts' effort. :)

The long term goal however, is not just being parents to children, but your children being adults. And likewise, your own childhood led to these many years of adulthood, presumably with your own parents hoping for a happy outcome. If you can merge your own happiness into the process of raising your children to be happy adults, what does it matter if that's one child or seven? Maybe it would feel less selfish to see your own happiness as fulfilling your parents dreams for your life, rather than your own? I'm not sure I'd want to see my kids really suffer through having more kids than they wanted, just to provide a sibling for the first. My brother has one, and the joy is palpable. If he has another and loves that, GREAT. But I won't wish another on him - I just want him to be happy, and right now, with one child, he is.

[rudyinparis]

I'm just going to reiterate Mrs. Haley, who said it so well--just listen to your heart and your gut, you know? Social pressure is not the reason to have another child! You and your partner are the only ones who know what is right for you and your family. Stay true to that! For some reason this is bringing a discussion that was held here about a month ago back to me. It was about working outside the home and how moms who want to work outside the home get called materialist and greedy and so forth. I think one person made a comment along those lines. And one gentle person chimed in with: Maybe not greedy, maybe that person has issues from their childhood and the fact is we can't know, can we? I'm kind of rambling here, but my point is that people may make assumptions or try to force their world view on you but that is their issue, not yours. Your issue, your responsibility, is to be true to yourself, and that's how you can be the best parent to your current child, whether they end up with a sib or not! As for what to say when people start asking (as Lisa has already experienced) the tried and true response is saying "Why do you ask?" with a smile.

As for us, we wanted two that were healthy and less than 3 years apart. We feel very blessed to have had our wish granted. I do take comfort in the idea that they will have each other in their old age, after DH and are gone, but for any 2 sibs, there's nothing that promises they will be close, so, again, that's not a reason to have another child. But it's our hope.

Good luck! I think this touches on one of the greatest difficulties of being a parent in our culture--being able to hear our internal voices over all the shouting being done at us by the society at large.

[Parisienne Mais Presque]

As an only child and an only grandchild (!), when I'm perfectly honest with myself I have to admit that I can be selfish, since I never had to "share" the people I loved when I grew up.

I think I would have benefited from being put into situations where I was forced to learn to share, not just toys and other superficial things, but close caregivers. It would have been great for me if I had had a big extended family with lots of cousins to interact with, for instance.

I felt so shell-shocked in the first weeks of my son's life that I kept thinking "oh, he'll definitely be an only!" even though I'd wanted at least two before he was born. Now he's almost five months and I'm having a blast, so I'm thinking (only half-seriously so far) why not three? But five months is, after all, nothing yet. I figure that by the time he goes off to school -- public nursery school starts at three here in France -- I'll have time to change my mind a few more times. After all, I have no idea what's in store for me when he hits toddlerhood...

[marsupial jones]

Full disclosure: I have a younger brother. We are close now but it was pretty horrible for a while there. Mostly, he hated me and it was awful and upset me very much. I'm glad we're close now though.

I did A LOT of research on sibling relationships in graduate school (doctorate, psychology). The general conclusion:
-Most importantly: Only children are NOT more self-centered or weirder than children with siblings. In contrast, only children have higher self-esteem, are higher achievers, and are more independent. Being an only child doesn't make someone spoiled or bratty.

Having siblings is a unique relationship. Siblings are in your generation and are kind of like a friend, but live in your family. They are both peers and family. As noted above, a sibling can help you deal with the aging issues and death of parents and I think this is no small thing.

I have a 6 month old son. My husband and I are going round and round about it (financial, world population). My conclusion about having another:
1. I want the noise of kids tumbling around playing together.
2. I think it's really nice to have someone to talk to about how crazy your parents are. No one can understand the annoying things your parents do as well as your sibling can. These are my prized conversations with my brother now

[Tava]

I'm so glad you're revisiting this. My dd is 2 1/2 and we're still on the fence about TTC. I was all gung-ho and we tried for a few months and then when it didn't happen I started to get cold feet about it anyway. Now I am just so enamored of our life as a family of 3 that I don't want to rock the boat. Plus, I am TERRIFIED of being pregnant again, and having a small baby who doesn't sleep well. The farther I get from it, the less I want to do it. I feel like I should have seized one of the windows in the past year and a half where I've been crazy to TTC, and had more sex, b/c then the decision would have been made. As it is now, in theory I really want 2+ children, and in reality I DEFINITELY do not want to get pregnant again. Any time soon.

I am also really scared that I cannot be a good mom to 2 kids even after the dreaded pregnancy/newborn period is over, that my daughter will feel forever shortchanged. I felt very shortchanged by my sister's presence and we had a ROUGH time growing up. I was mean and jealous and it was just hard. Of course NOW we are great friends and I love her soooooo much, but - jeez - what if our family has to go through all those years and years of strife to get to the good stuff? I just can't bring myself to start the process.

[liz]

We have one and we're done, but when people ask if we're going to have another, I just answer, "It'll happen if it happens." That way they think we're trying but not desperately and they get off my back.

[d]

I have one 17 month old boy, and want another child badly but am really getting too old. And truly, like someone said above - I want HIM over again. What if this time I get a high needs baby? - my little bug was so easy, so happy that I would hate to have another and it be a more stressful than it was with him....and I would miss the time with him because of newborn needs. I see that in my friend - her older one has less time because of the time spent with the new one. But OH! If I could have another like my bug....what a time that would be!

[Parisienne Mais Presque]

Just to add, though, that after I survived those first two months and I started to feel like I actually could be a competent parent after all, I decided that:

1) This HUGE love that I have for my son will help me get over other hurdles just as it did the oh-HELP-ME-I-have-a-newborn stage

2) This HUGE love I have for my son makes me want even more to share the same love for another child eventually

3) My own experience as an only makes me think that he'll not only become a more generous person, but have a lot more fun with a sibling. I remember having a heck of a time trying to find an adult willing to play Candyland with me for hours, so maybe I'd have had better luck with a brother or sister.

But I think that being an only child myself I idealize siblings, the grass being greener, of course!

[hedra]

Oh, and love the 'you never regret your last child' comment...

But then, things you lose are always found in the last place you look. Last could be the first and only, and still never regretted.

As for regrets, I'll put my mom's thoughts out there again: She had seven kids. Over her lifespan, people have asked two questions over and over: Do you regret having so many, and would you do it again if you could go back and start over? When we were all a small thundering herd of knee-biters, the answers were - I don't regret so many, but I don't think I'd have this many again if I could replay it all by choice (not that she could pick which would go, other than whoever was in a fussy stage). When we were mainly pre-teen and teens and young-stupid-adults, the answers were OH YEAH I regret it, and NO WAY ON EARTH would I do this again! And then the last of us crossed into adulthood (only six arrived out of seven), and the answers were... I do not regret this many kids, and I would do ever second, the terrible moments (unsaid but understood - the child dying in her arms), the teen years, the fear and frustration and anger ... every moment, again. It is worth it.

What I took from that was that until my children are grown, I cannot measure. I cannot know if I chose right, or wrong. So I have to just do my best with what I have, make the choices that feel right to me (including both mind and heart), search out help if I wish one thing but fear another (like a financial advisor for the financial issues - it's amazing what a good one can do!), and then just be happy with what I get.

[hedra]

Marsupial Jones: "Most importantly: Only children are NOT more self-centered or weirder than children with siblings." and "Being an only child doesn't make someone spoiled or bratty."

Agreed - parents make these. I see it in some of my onlies friends, but it isn't a feature of being an only, it is a feature of a certain parenting approach. One of the onlies I grew up close with in early childhood was only due to repeated losses - she was a stand-in for eight other children that had not made it past 22 weeks. She was glass, precious, doted on, never demanded of... and I, with so many siblings, was brought into their house nearly daily because I demanded, insisted that she relate, share, be kind, do the things I knew she could and that her parents feared to insist upon. Her parents knew they were blowing it, and couldn't seem to stop, so they did what they could - provided a peer on a very regular basis (elder peer at that - instant big sister, bossiness included!). I lost touch with her, but my sister encountered her years ago, and she turned out to be a lovely, assertive, confident woman - boy she knows her parents love her. And her parents also made the effort to make sure she did NOT end up spoiled and bratty, even if they couldn't do that part of it themselves very well.

[Lisa S]

Wow, love this topic. We have one almost 3-yr old conceived through IVF. We were lucky - short bout with infertility, successful 1st IVF and every reason to think it woudl be successful again.

BUT. I had severe PPD. For a long time, fear of it recurring made me not want another. But now I really feel like it wouldn't, or I could deal with it (thanks to Moxie's tips), and that isn't even an issue. I just don't want another one. I like that there are two of us and one of him. I like that I can go to the gym when my hubby watches the kiddo, I like it that I can take the kiddo on errands and he is tolerable. I like that we can go on trips and leave him behind (one is not too much to dump on grandma) OR take him with us (one is not too hard to travel with). I just like it.

I realized, after really digging into my heart, that I had a chip on my shoulder about my PPD. I felt that by having another, people would see how much I love my son and how "OK" I am now. I thought that my depression indicated that I wasn't supposed to be a mom, and that if I had another, I was proving that I was better. Isn't that silly? And what a silly reason to have another child - to prove something to others.

I am desperately in love with my only. He is happy with us. It is not too late to change our minds, but I have found that it is important to do what you want, not what society pushes you to do. And it's OK to take a while to decide what you want.

[Jan]

Maybe this is a discussion for another day, but I've got the same question as anony above: what do you if one of you wants more and the other doesn't.

We have two, and parenting them is and has been the best thing in my life ever. I really want a third. I've always wanted a bunch (I used to want six, but I'm 38 and barring some creative adoption, I don't see that happening!) and my husband is pretty clear that he doesn't need more. He thinks two is enough.

I agreed to table the discussion awhile back, in the hopes that one of our feelings might change over time, but they haven't, and let's face it, time is running out. And this isn't exactly something about which one can compromise.

My husband went through a period of (related to something else) clinical depression after our second baby was born and I wonder if that isn't affecting his feelings about having another.

Anybody else have experience with one person wanting more and the other not? What did you do?

[Jamie]

I'm an onlie too and, just to weight in another data point and not at all implying anyone ought to have more or fewer children based on my experience, while I was mostly happy to be an only as a kid it saddens me more as an adult. I had an incredibly wonderful childhood with both my mother and grandmother home with me full time; always ready to play with me. My parents made tons of effort to expose me to other children and I was allowed to have friends over pretty much as often as I liked. BUT, seeing other people being close with their family's in public almost always made me sad and I remember looking at my family at things like school concerts and thinking that we just weren't enough. With two adults and only one child, well, everyone was just so in-control and there wasn't anyone to go wild with or who had as much energy as me (I was not, by an stretch of the imagination, a high energy kid) even though my mother tried very hard to fulfill that role. If we had lived close enough for daily or weekly contact with my cousins I am sure this part would all have been improved.
However, as an adult, my sadness is all about losing my parents. It's not that I am necessarily worried about the cost; it's about being an orphan and having no one left from my own family in the world anymore. And no one else to share the loss. I'm not sure anyone of any relationship could share those things but a sibling.

As an aside to Moxie: have you tried cotton tights instead of stockings under your skirts? Or knee-length boots? I was shocked when I found out how warm those things are; I thought everyone just wore them for show. Also, calf and ankle length coats? Totally popular for women because of the whole bare legs thing. Oh! or leg warmers! So strange looking and yet so toasty.

[MotherLawyer]

I was completely unable to envision a second child before my son was 2.5. Completely unable.

Then things switched and I was able to see it...I'm scared, don't get me wrong, but I can now see it is possible.

I saw #2's heartbeat yesterday and I'm starting to be excited about parenting two.

I agree with Moxie. 15-20 mos is not the greatest window to know yet whether you want to venture to no. 2 or not... give it time.

[Lisa S.]

I was just reading the previous posts more closely and there was one thing that struck a chord with me:

From Marsupial Jones:
1. I want the noise of kids tumbling around playing together.

I used to think I agreed (before having kdis). But now it is not a sentiment I share. I love playing with my son, but the noise, the mess, the chaos of more than one - that I dread. A couple of hours during a playdate is fine, and you know in the end the other mom will help you and the kids clean up and then mine will cozy up with me on the couch before bed. Tada! A perfect night.

I guess to me, the way you answer this question can tell you a lot about whether you should or should not have kids.

[Lisa S.]

OOps! Edit to add: "should or should not have MORE kids."

[Sarah]

Thanks everyone for the comments. My husband and I have always just wanted one. Now that our son is 10 months, I feel I'd like to add another one but my husband is SURE he is happy with just one. And he NEVER changes his mind. I do feel the nay-sayer wins in this case, it's just too big a deal to force on someone if it's not what they want in their life. So, cousins? dogs? deep friendships? Hopefully our son won't feel lonely as he goes through life. Obviously you want to protect your child from any negative feelings, like a deep loneliness, but then again you just can't protect them from everything. And, come to think of it, I'm often lonely, despite having a sibling. I really think you need to do what's best for YOU and your husband, and trust your child will benefit more from healthy, balanced, happy, loving parents, than he or she would benefit from a sibling.

[jill]

I'm totally struggling with this as well. I'm 38, my husband is 40. Our son is 11 months old. It took us about 2 years to get pregnant, and it turned out to be a random miracle after a cancelled IVF cycle. So we don't even know HOW we got so lucky! :)

Anyway, my baby is generally an easy one. we've got sleep issues that started at 6 1/2 months, but otherwise, he's so mellow, funny, smart, etc... and STILL I feel sort of wrecked by all of this. I'm tired. I'm still adjusting to this new life and not having any time of my own. Do I really want to do this again? Am I a bad mom for not loving this baby time? I'm excited for him to be 4 or 5 so we can talk about stuff. I'm excited for him to be in school so I can help him with his homework. Do I really want to go through the baby stuff again just as he starts getting fun??

And if we wait til he's 3, I'll be a hundred years old! :) But do we start again right now just assuming it will all be OK if we get it over with? And what if my next baby is hard? Colicky?

Like one of the posters said, I almost worry more for him as an adult. But then again, I know plenty of adults who have virtually no relationship with their siblings so that is no guarantee either!!

AARRGGGHHH

[laurie]

I haven't had time to read all the above posts, but I, too, am in my 30's and my little bug is 8 months. At first, between the moments of, "my god, what have we done?" and "wow..." I found the idea of another child too mind-blowing to even consider. And there have been nights along the way when I look at my husband and say, "If I ever start to talk about another baby, remind me of this."

In spite of that, I have been variably pestered with thoughts of another child. The most recent temptation is that we have put so much effort into this infant phase, the preparation for birth, the birth itself, the AP stuff, the co-sleeping; the hardest thing I've ever struggled through, nursing. Plus we just met a new nephew (so tiny!) and our immediate reaction was that we could have another. Of course, it was me who was up until 3 a.m. this morning with my teething wonderbug, so clarity may not be a feature in our lives at this moment.

Thank you for the post!

[shirky]

I....can't think ahead forty-fifty years to when I'm old and my kid needs help taking away my car keys. all I can see is the financial problems and exhaustion of the present!!

i always remember something I heard once on TAL: if your wife said, So, I'm going to be bringing home someone new, someone younger and cuter than you, and I'll have to spend nearly all my time holding and loving him...but I'll still love you just as much!...you would think, Bullshit, woman.

[Megan]

My 2 cents:

I'm the youngest of six children, and often joked with my parents growing up, "If you had waited and only had me, we'd have a lot more money!"

My sibs drove me crazy growing up, and my sisters are my best friends now.

My father was diagnosed with colon cancer last year, and most of the sibs flew out to be with him during his very difficult surgery. My step-brother, who is an only, commented after the experience that he and his wife had intended to have just one child until they saw how we comforted each other in that situation.

There's something to be said for creating a wider base for grief/joy, etc., in the future.

I want a sibling (or more) for my son (23 months old), because to me, there is no relationship like a sibling (for better or worse).

I don't think onlies are necessarily spoiled, but I think it can be a lot harder for the parents NOT to give them everything.

[Amy]

I LOVE my brother and don't know what I'd do without him. The thought of taking care of my parents in their old age without him as backup horrifies me. The thought of having no one who really gets me in that way (same childhood, same family, same traits) makes me terribly sad. I, too, would trade everything to have my brother! There is something so wonderful about going through my adult life with a sibling ...

Now, for my own child planning ... We got really lucky with the child care the first time around - our work schedules were staggered so that one of us was home Monday and the other on Friday ... and my mom was available the other three days per week. I CANNOT figure out how on earth we would pay for child care for two children. I can't leave my job, in part because of how necessary it is to plan (and save) for retirement so that the burden doesn't fall to my own kids, and in part because it's what pays our mortgage in a reasonable neighborhood with a mostly OK public school.

I would love to have a second baby. I am already so tired and so frustrated and how many things have to slide just to get the critical chores taken care of ... I cannot imagine how another baby would make me anything less than miserable and bitter.

This is a great thread ... at least I'm not alone in this dilemma!

[Megan]

My 2 cents:

I'm the youngest of six children, and often joked with my parents growing up, "If you had waited and only had me, we'd have a lot more money!"

My sibs drove me crazy growing up, and my sisters are my best friends now.

My father was diagnosed with colon cancer last year, and most of the sibs flew out to be with him during his very difficult surgery. My step-brother, who is an only, commented after the experience that he and his wife had intended to have just one child until they saw how we comforted each other in that situation.

There's something to be said for creating a wider base for grief/joy, etc., in the future.

I want a sibling (or more) for my son (23 months old), because to me, there is no relationship like a sibling (for better or worse).

I don't think onlies are necessarily spoiled, but I think it can be a lot harder for the parents NOT to give them everything.

[Sheryl]

I am an only. It wasn't a conscious decision on my parents part - they had a still born baby and a miscarriage before me, and a miscarriage after me. Growing up, I wasn't raised to be spoiled - partially because there was no money for spoiling and partially because my parents were not the type to let that happen. I started 5 day a week preschool when I was 3, and got all the other kids I could handle there.

The main disadvantage to being an only is that my parents were somewhat overprotective of me. As a result, I didn't get to do a lot of things my peers did because they were afraid. Perfect example - I never learned to ride a bike. I started to learn, but had trouble getting the hang of it without training wheels (I had some balance problems when I was a kid due to repeated inner ear infections). My dad was so afraid that I would fall and get hurt or get run over by a car (he ran over a kid on a bike that darted out behind him when he was backing up) that he gave my bike (which was a hand-me-down anyway) away.

The only time I really wished that I had a sibling was when I was dealing with my parents' illnesses and deaths. I have a large extended family, but they are all significantly older than me (I came along really late for both of my parents, and they are the youngest siblings in their families) so I never really had any kind of relationships with cousins. It would have been nice to have someone to go through that stuff with, and someone to lean on and to tell me that I wasn't a bad person for making the decisions I had to make. I got through it, though.

[Anon this time]

My wife lost her mother when we were in our early 20s. Shes never gotten along with her brother. Having him around didn't really help. They didn't grieve the same way at all. So although it might help to have someone around who is going through the same loss, it might not.

[Lisa S.]

I don't know why I am so wound up on this topic today. But I have to say, it's strange to me - the comments that keep going around about only children having to deal with your old age and death alone. To me this is sort of.... odd. I have gone back and forth on the baby #2 bandwagon for all of the rest of the reasons - but this one just doesn't make sense to me. I have a sibling, and we are close, but having him going thru the grieving process with me at the same time doesn't bring me any extra comfort to speak of. I just don't get the connection? I don't know, I just think this train of thought is weird.

[Megan]

@Lisa S.: I know what you mean, and if I hadn't been through the death of one parent and the major illness of another, I would agree.

Maybe having more children so your child won't be alone during those times is an offbeat reason. It just resonates with me because I've been through it.

Of course, bloodline is certainly no guarantee of a good relationship, but through the ups and downs, that shared history is pretty powerful.

[caramama]

I love this site. You people are so thoughtful and caring in your responses.

hedra: The story about your mother just about made me cry. Thanks for sharing that.

I will add is that my brother's wife only ever wanted 1 child, and my brother agreed but always wanted more. Then, when their child was 10 (they had her when they were 22 or 23), my sister in law suddenly realized she wanted more (perhaps in part because many around her were getting pregnant). So they tried and were blessed with twins.

My point with this story is that you have to go with what feels right at the time. Maybe if my sister in law had their first child when she was older, she never would have wanted more. Or maybe at a certain age she would have wanted more anyway. But what she wanted changed, and so their decision changed.

Those of us starting our families later may not have the option of changing our minds, but we have to know that what we feels right now is what is right for us now. Whatever our decision is.

I hope that made sense. It made sense in my head.

[Kate]

I am an only child and could not agree more with how frustrating it is in 2007 to hear "onlies" still discussed in problematic terms. As my mother used to say, "we got it right the first time." Now she tells me "you got it right the first time..." when she's describing her 11 month old grandson,and my only child. Every family is different, some have gobs of children, some have none. You'll know what's right for you-let your instincts guide you. Just know that there are actually quite a few of us onlies out there who could pass for normal :) most of the time. I will admit I can sometimes have a hard time sharing sweet treats with my co-workers. Or so they like to tease me!