Q&A: feeding problems

Great comments yesterday. Some of you have some heavy stuff on your minds! Much worse than my "problem" of having to make several dozen Norwegian vaffler for the end-of-the-year International lunch today...

You know those composite sketches artists do? Well, I'm going to smash together a couple of emails I've gotten recently on the same topic into one post.

Several parents write some version of:

"My son is almost 2-1/2 and can use a spoon and fork just fine -- but he won't. We call it pasha mode: He waits for us to feed him, which we eventually do because we don't want every meal (especially in the morning when we're trying to get to work) to take 3 hours. Whether we sit with him or not, eat our own meals at the same time or not, offer him finger foods or food that he needs to eat with utensils (or both), he waits. Sometimes he'll start by himself and then say "You do it." It's driving us nuts! Please tell us what to do."

Pasha mode--heh. This is just the flip side of the same old control game back from this post and several others just like it. Assuming he doesn't have a metabolic or feeding disorder/allergy/GI imbalance of some sort, and it sounds like he doesn't because he lets you feed him just fine, it sounds like he's trying to exert control.

I think you have two choices (you probably have more, but these two are what I'm coming up with now): A) Keep feeding him until he grows past this stage and moves on and starts feeding himself, or B) Just ignore the food issue after you serve him his plate, and then when the meal is over clear away anything left on his plate.

Before I decided what to do, I'd check with his daycare provider (or anyone else he spends time with, if you're a SAH with this same problem) to find out how he eats for them all day. If he eats fine at school, then you know for 100% sure that it's all about control, and then it's just strategy for you. (Parenting: A Minute To Learn, A Lifetime To Master) Plus, you know that he's getting plenty of calories at daycare, so it's not going to hurt him if you choose option B above and he doesn't eat much for a few meals in a row.

If he doesn't eat all that well at daycare, and you really want to make sure he's eating a lot, then it may be worth it to you to choose A. In my mind, the problem in this situation isn't the feeding or the not feeding, but the control part of it, that you three are locked in a Battle Royale over eating. So by deciding that you will either just feed him straight off, or that you don't care how much eat eats, you remove the control as an element of the interaction.

Speaking of which, Sarah writes:

"I was wondering how to know if my baby has a feeding problem.  I know a lot of babies stop eating around a year, but I'm more concerned with the fact that my (almost) 11 month old just is not progressing from baby food to table foods AT ALL.  I have been told to "pack up" the baby food by 1 year of age and I just don't see how he won't starve if I expect him to eat only table foods in one month's time!  His repertoire of table foods is minuscule.  I wish I had never fed him the purees to start with.  I know some babies want "real food" and protest being spoonfed bland mush, but my baby is the opposite: I fear he will never move past baby cereals, which are still his staple and the only thing he eats a lot of consistently.  I don't think he has a swallowing problem, since he can manage finger feeding a total of about 5 items (toast/crackers/cheerios/muffins/quesadillas -- basically, carbs completely dry to the touch).  He has never, not once, picked up a fruit, vegetable or piece of meat and put it in his mouth.  Do I take away the baby food and hope he gets hungry enough to eat table foods?  Do I keep feeding him the jarred stuff?  Why can't this be easier???  I feel like I am losing my mind in frustration.  Any thoughts or advice?"

This, again, is all about control, but it's the control that the external culture has over Sarah in telling her there's something wrong if her son doesn't like table foods at this point.

All kids are different, just as all adults are different about what we eat and won't eat. I love tapioca pudding, but I know half of you just squirmed in horror and revulsion at the thought of tapioca. There are plenty of healthy normal children all over the world who are still consuming only breastmilk or formula up to and past a year because they're just not into food yet, even the mashed stuff. And some kids get so completely into table foods that they can barely choke down any milk once they start eating foods.

So I would pay more attention to how you feel about his eating. You know he can eat things with texture, so it sounds like he's just not choosing to. Do you feel in your gut like there's something wrong? If so, ask your pediatrician for a referral to have him tested by a speech therapist. If you don't have any strong feeling that there's anything out of place, then who cares when you're "supposed" to start feeding what? (The whole "stage" idea for jarred baby foods cracks me up because it's such a brilliant marketing gimmick.) He's going at his own pace, and it may not be what you'd like him to be doing, but he'll get there eventually. IME, some kids just sort of click into eating at around 13 months, so maybe that's what's going to happen to your guy.

For more support on following your child's lead on feeding, especially in the first year, here's the link again to my favorite study on babies and solids.

Please, everyone, contribute anecdotes about your kids' eating habits. If anyone does have kids with diagnosed feeding issues, could you walk us through how you knew and how it's resolving? I think it's helpful to have all sorts of data points so we all know what's normal, and what's normal but needs some extra help.

Comments

[Melissa]

My daughter is 2 1/2 and has many little fussy habits surrounding eating, namely:

- must have all fruit cut up so she can eat it with a fork
- freaks out if a crumb gets on another piece of food
- must use one type of spoon for cereal and another for applesauce
- likes to rip off her bib and tell us she's done if she thinks there's something more fun she could be doing, but magically regains her hunger if we're serving something she really likes
- insists that her tray be wiped off in between courses

It is all about control, and whether we give in sort of depends on how much energy we have. With some things (cutting up the fruit) we just put up with it; with others (finding a crumb on a grape, OH NO) we patiently try to convince her that the world won't end. I'm assuming some day I'll be able to hand her a pear and let her go to town. In the meantime, we deal.

Oh, and dinner comes just before bathtime, so she often dawdles to postpone it. I have no problem cutting her off when that happens.

[prehistoric mama]

Hugs to Sarah. I wonder if her baby has sensory issues about certain textures. I know that my DS (now 2) went through a period of time where certain textures (like bagels, or other "gummy" foods) were a problem. He liked eating them, but he would store them in his mouth as they became this disgusting mass and then eventually spit them out unswallowed. He outgrew it. I think her baby will, too.

As for the kids who require their parents to "spoonfeed" them, Moxie's advice is spot on. My DS is easily distracted at meals (he takes after my DH in that he's not all that interested in food to begin with), so if I want to make sure he's eating a certain amount, I have no problem spearing his food with his fork and feeding it to him. I know that food will probably never be as important to him as it is to me (and that's a GOOD thing), but someday he won't need me to do this. I don't mind doing it until that day comes.

[mamasutra]

I was sure that I was going to be visiting my older daughter's kindergarten to feed her mushy baby food. At a year, she wanted nothing to do with feeding herself, didn't want chewable food. At about 14 or 15 months, one supper she just refused to be fed any more mush and that was it. We then had to race to find her some finger foods that would cover her nutritional needs (muffins, grilled cheese made like French toast, quiche, and providing dips for food (ranch dressing, ketchup) was a big incentive). For her it was just a matter of waiting her out until she was ready to eat by herself. Now that she's almost 3 1/2, she's a pretty good eater, though she likes her food separate. Little sister: totally different, totally easy. Of course.

[z]

Sarah

My son who is a very healthy 15 month old was very much like yours at that age. He still has no interest in feeding himself unless it is dry carby stuff or cheese. And he was fine with the pureed food until about a year though we kept giving him tastes of our food from when he was about 7 months old.

For him the switch came right around the 1 year mark when all of a sudden he wanted more textured food. I don't know why it happened but I want to mention that around that time he weaned himself down to nursing only at nap time and bed time. And also dropped down to the one nap. I don't know if there is any correlation but these 3 things came together for us.

He still doesn't want to feed himself too much. So we have to feed him though each day I give him a couple of different opportunities to feed himself different stuff. Some days he does and others he doesn't.

I was told the same thing by my Dr and like the sleep thing I just tell them half-truths. I give them a little of what they want to hear and a little of the truth and take what they say with a grain of salt because in every thing else my kid has managed to reach these goals/milestones in his time.

[hedra]

Lessee. At our house, many meals are still done with the 3-year-old twins on our laps. We have periodic 'discussions' about allowing US to eat and not feeding them exclusively (in the 'I have a problem - I'm HUNGRY. I want to eat my own meal. If I feed you, I can't eat.') - solutions vary, between: you start, I'll help later after I've had a few bites of my own; I'll feed you quick if you promise to get down so I can eat on my own (often reneged-upon); and One for you, one for me (works best most of the time).

All our kids went through the "YOU do it" stage with something, varying emphasis on food vs shoes vs clothing vs potty vs whatever. They grow out of it (see the Your X Year Old series, they cover this!). It's just annoying. Acceptance made it less annoying for us, but there are still times where we grit our teeth before just doing whatever works.

For the feeding issue thing - best book recommendation is How to Get Your Kid to Eat - But Not Too Much. From the perspective of someone whose oldest has a feeding disorder (mainly resolved, but some issues left), this book is GOLD. It's reassuring, helpful, kind. No forcing, no strict rules, lots of trusting the child. All based in years of experience working with kids who had feeding disorders, or whose parents feared (or insisted) that the child had a problem, when the problem was often just a disparity in expectations. Got it from a feeding clinic. My advice: Get it, read it, you'll feel better about the purees thing.

Granted, my oldest stared out with a texture aversion (refusal to TOUCH the slippery/wet stuff in particular), which was partly personality (tendency to anxiety), and partly sensory integration (mild, but enough to make him not want to be all 'yucky'). If there are other sensory issues showing, an OT eval for sensory processing (and either a home 'diet' of sensory activities or OT/PT work) may contribute to progress in the feeding as well as the rest of it. Many good books on that topic, but my current fave is "Sensational Kids". Great depth, as well as comprehensive discussion and useful ideas.

Being concerned at this point is probably normal - you're headed for the lower end of the bell curve. But you're not out of that range AT ALL. Well within the normal range, still. Pursue the sensory question far enough to know if you have a larger/separate area to explore, and let the child control their feeding as much as possible. They know what works for them. It is hard to not tangle all the loads of 'shoulds' that come with parenting into the feeding process. That's fundamental to primary caregiving, the feeding thing. Hard sometimes to keep my issues separate, but very useful. Check out the book (a quick library checkout may be all you need, really).

[Bobbi]

Lucky me! I have both of these exact things going on right now. And I can tell you, it's all the personality of the kid in question. As the mother of 4 ridiculously different kids, do what works best for your family with each one.

I have a 2 1/3 year old who can feed herself just fine, but would much rather I do it. Sometimes I push a little, but with 4 kids, I often take the easy road and shovel. Many times, she takes the beginning of the meal and I take the end. I have tried Moxie's suggestion of ending the meal when it's done, but she throws a screaming fit - she wants to eat it, she just wants me to feed it to her. Honestly, as the third in a busy household, I think it's her way of garnering my undivided attention for a little while every day.

And my youngest is a 10 month old who has no capability for finger foods at this point. So I feed him baby food. And he's fine. (He's 26 pounds of fine, but that is a whole 'nother post). My oldest was ONLY eating table food at this point (she gagged on anything that came off a spoon but required chewing), my next was eating a combo just fine...they are all different. And if they are happy and growing, I'm a firm believer in going with what makes everyone in your family most comfortable...

[electriclady]

My 10.5 month old also does not self-feed at all. In fact, she puts NOTHING in her mouth (to which my MIL says, "Oh, she's so good!", um, yeah, whatever). She has no problem with textures--I make our own purees and have been making them chunkier, and she'll eat just about anything off MY fingers--toast, globs of cream cheese, bits of oranges, etc. She loves playing with her food and mushing it around her high chair tray, she just doesn't want to put it in her mouth herself.

I stress about it sometimes--that and the fact that she totally resists a cup and has no interest in holding her bottle. I joke that when she goes to college, she'll have to get a boyfriend or girlfriend so someone will spoonfeed her. But mostly I figure she'll do it when she's ready. She also has no teeth yet, so I'm guessing maybe she's just a little slower on the food front overall.

[Laura]

My oldest, almost 3 years old, has a terribly restricted diet. The feeding issues started at birth, and seemed as if it were a sensory issue (there were MANY other sensory issues as well outside of feeding). As she's grown older, she'll eat one food with a certain texture, but won't eat another with the same texture. There seems to be no rhyme or reason. She has a very restricted diet with no patterns as to what or why she'll refuse foods. She's been evaluated for feeding/speech problems and tested for allergies and metabolic disorders and there's nothing clinically significant about the results. She'll also eat somewhat/sometimes if I feed her. She was always one of those kids that defied the whole "they'll eat when they're hungry" bit. She refused to eat anything for an entire week once. I've heard that there are kids that will only eat white foods, etc. She's diagnosed as failure to thrive and still isn't gaining weight well, refusing all dinners every night, throwing major fits if we do anything to get her to eat. So we stuff her as full as we can during the day and give her the foods (that are healthy) that she'll eat, always offering new foods and serving her dinner even if we know she'll refuse it. So we have a problem there.

However, my son just turned a year old and at 11 months wasn't wanting baby food or table food. He was still all about the milk. Suddenly, one recent day, after offering table foods again, he took it. He ate twice as much as my 3 year old and continues to wolf down meal after meal. He'll eat anything, try anything and has only refused outright to eat homemade mashed carrots.

I think 11 months is a little early to tell that there's a problem unless you see that problem spreading into other areas of his life. I'm now very sure that kids will eat what they want, when they want, when they are ready and not a moment sooner. As long as they are healthy and happy - I don't care what they're eating.

As a side note on the kids that won't eat when they're hungry - you know they must be because they've not eaten in two days, etc. - with sensory issues, I once heard someone explain that we have "feelers" lining our stomach that tell us when we're hungry (empty) or satisfied (full). Kids that have sensory issues may not be able to tell one way or the other so they may overeat or under eat because they can't feel the difference.

[Diane]

Oh for crying out loud, if your baby likes jar food, feed your baby jar food! I mean that in no way to sound harsh to the mother here, but to the fact that we all as mothers (and fathers) get so much pressure about when every single baby is just SUPPOSED to be doing one thing or another. My daughter is 16 months old and still loves the baby oatmeal and an occasional jar of strained vegetables. As long as he is growing and your gut isn't telling you that this is part of a bigger issue (e.g. sensory disorder, etc.) then go with it.

And to add to that, in a month's time, your baby may thwart all attempts at having a spoon near his mouth and want nothing more than to gnaw on a banana. And then they'll tell you there's something wrong because he isn't "trying to use utensils" or some other such nonsense. Internet hugs to you from another mom who worries about what her baby "should be" doing too.

[paola]

I have an almost three year old and 11.5 month old so know how Sarah and the others feel. My 3 year old does the old 'feed me' thing regularly, especially since his sister came along. He also refused to eat a lot of food at around 2.5. I knew this was a power game with him so told him if he didn't want to eat so be it, but if he didn't, he'd get the same food again for dinner/lunch, the next meal, and now he knows that it's that or nothing. It has happened occasionally that he doesn't like what I have offered as he has refused it at the next meal too, and in that case, I'll offer him an alternative.

In the case of my 11 month old, she still gets a lot of breastmilk, and 2 meals of mushy stuff. I have also tried giving her what we eat, but to no avail. I really do believe it is what they are used to. Italian children who go to creche and are even younger than her get a first course (pasta, risotto etc), second course ( some kind of meal dish)and fruit and they eat it! I couldn't even imagine my little one eating what Italian kids get at preschool.

[Kate]

@ electriclady, what does your ped say about "nothing in the mouth"? I only ask because we know of a kid who also never mouthed anything. The mom thought it was great because he could be around all of his older sister's toys, but he wound up with some kind of therapy (I forget which stripe).

[Jan]

My personal take on the can-feed-self-but-chooses-not-to would be to leave 'em to it. No judgment to anyone else that chooses something different.

Sarah, I hope you've been reassured somewhat that your baby probably doesn't have a feeding problem. You could try feeding "real" food that has baby food texture: yogurt, applesauce, oatmeal (well-mixed with milk). I think some kids don't like the feel of "dirty" stuff on their fingers (which is why the crackers and dry stuff are popular). If you think that might be the issue, you could try getting her a fork and a spoon, or even just a plastic stick for spearing food and see if she can work that at all.

[lisak]

My kids are 8 and 11 now, but they were both wonderful eaters who ate a variety of things as toddlers. The 11 yo will now eat only a few things, but if he doesn't like what we are serving he knows to make his own meal. Fortunately, he is also good about making sure he eats a balanced diet. The other doesn't like anything to touch, but will try anything and nothing is too spicey for him. The issues for both only started after the age of two. Their tastes and likes/dislikes change at that age, I think.

Also, my mom only ever gave me two pieces of parenting advice (thanks Mom!), both of which I think were spot on:
1. Kids eat when hungry, otherwise don't worry (assuming there are no health issues at hand).
2. Two kids:two adults, it's a good ratio (she was a mom of 4 herself).

Good luck, try not to worry, it will all change soon, as a new stage presents itself.

[Ewokmama]

My son (17 months) is kind of stubborn about trying new things. It may sound bad, but I usually have to smear food across his lip to get him to taste it. 90% of the time he ends up liking it and wanting more. I think it is probably a control issue, as well, since he "pretend eats" - pretending to take bites from a few feet away. His dad is having a real struggle as he is staying home with him full time now and our son refuses to eat much or drink much or nap most days with him. These kids are smart!

Two things I've noticed: he is more likely to eat when we are eating, and he has just started to mooch off of our plates.

Oh, and he didn't really start taking solids as a "meal" until he was past a year. It was extremely gradual and he never really liked the purees. He has NEVER eaten a full jar of baby food.

[Kelly]

My oldest son is just over 3 and still won't feed himself anything but crackers, cookies, fries and chicken nuggets (but only from McDonalds because they have the beer batter instead of crumble batter). Everything else I feed him. He's never been one to take much initiative, and 3 is a hard year, so we're just trying to encourage when we can and pick up the slack when we can't.

My youngest son just turned 1 and he's slowed down eating big time. He was big on table food but we did the powdered oats instead of "baby cereal" and then progressed slowly to straight oatmeal. He lo-O-oves potatoes in any form, too, as well as yogurt. He also loves pasta and will eat it in any form he can get it. For the mother with the baby jar addict - maybe try making the food yourself (purees or soups - I've got a fantastic baby soup recipe, email if you'd like it) and see if the "same texture, better flavour" helps to encourage him to explore foods more? Ultimately try not to worry about it too much since he'll pick up on that worry and food will become more stressful than it has to be. My oldest didn't eat table food til he was 18m at least and he's still weird about some things.

[Maria]

My daughter who is now 4 did not eat anything but breastmilk for 14 months. I tried and tried different strategies, foods, etc., and she was just decidedly NOT INTERESTED. I got lots of pressure from pretty much everyone (except at La Leche meetings) and felt like I was doing something wrong. One woman said "hmm, do you cook?" like I hadn't realized I should do that. I was also kind of excited for the 'baby food' stage, but we never had one. Straight from breastmilk exclusively to breastmilk + table food. It all turned out fine, and she's allergy free, which may or may not be related.

As for utensils, I have no words of wisdom, since she basically still doesn't use them. She doesn't insist on being fed, though, just uses her fingers.

[ethansmama]

Sarah, I swear you were talking about my son, also 11 months and still on baby cereal with fruit, veg or yogurt mixed in. He will eat carb table foods, such as bread, tortillas, crackers, but never anything wet. We have tried pastas, fruit, vegetables, meats. He just wants to be spoon fed mush most of the time. He is growing and a healthy weight. He does only have 2 teeth so at this point I'm not trying to rush him. Hang in there.

[Maria]

My son, at 16 months, would eat almost nothing but pureed foods and soft fruits and veggies. He had 4 teeth at the time, so maybe that's why? He insisted on feeding himself but hadn't yet mastered spoon feeding. He could use a spoon (we had those plastic ones with holes in the spoon part, and short handles), but it just didn't get the food to his mouth fast enough, so he would just scoop the mashed stuff into his mouth with his fingers. It was incredibly messy (luckily it was summertime), but he was happy enough. Now, at almost 4, he insists on eating everything with a spoon or a fork. Sometimes I even have to cut the banana into slices so he can use a fork.

All this to say, you'll get there. He's still a baby. I was worried my son would never give up the purees, but he did. Yours will too, when he's ready. In the meantime, keep the camera handy. There's little funnier than a baby covered in mashed food, especially when he's trying to feed himself!

[TodayWendy]

I was all freaked out that my daughter wasn't willing to eat at 6 months (would actually vomit if you put anythign textured in her mouth), and now at 13 months she'll sometimes eat half the dinner that I was going to eat, and sometimes will have one bite and decide she's full.

On the topic of continuing to eat baby food beyond babyhood...my mother ate Pablum for breakfast until she went to university...she loved it as a kid and my grandmother, being an entirely sensible woman, saw no problem with continuing to feed it to her.

[jennifer]

Our little bean started out a bit picky, or so we thought. She is 11.5 months now and will automatically think she doesn't like what we are about to feed her. Most days we have to smear a bit on her lip, which she always struggles through, but more often then not she realizes it is good and will eat in abundance.

She goes through phases as well, eating only yogurt or cereal one day, then eating chinese rice with peas and edamame the next. Go figure. As long as she is getting her milk and putting something in her mouth she is fine, my pediatrician assured us. We are lucky and have a doctor who keeps telling us that we need to come up with what works for us and that no two babies are alike, and nothing is forever so just do what we can.

[Maureen]

Hi. Just wanted to chime in. My 2 1/2 year old twin boys are actually pretty decent eaters (not necessarily the cleanest eaters but that's off topic a bit). I think the thing that is interesting is that there are all these "SUPPOSED" to rules but every pediatrician has different rules. The boys' pediatrician was much more conservative about food - he kept trying to hold us off longer and longer on some. He definitely would not have advised to be fully on solids (no babyfood) by 1 year. And, my boys didn't suffer as a result - we found great fresh babyfood for them so they still were introduced to lots of fresh veggies/fruits that way and they are pretty good about eating those things now.

I'd strongly suggest the Superbaby Food book as it has some great recipies for "baby-food" like meals but they seem for some reason to be a step closer to solids.

As for the feeding themselves issue, we don't seem to have that problem as much as the boys not using their forks/spoons when they should and not reverting back to fingers (especially in things like soups or yogurts). Yuck didn't mind when they were 1 or 1 1/2 as that was expected but not digging it now when it isn't.

[caramama]

Usually I read all the comments first, but I'm so crazy busy these days! But I did see hedra recommend How to Get Your Kid to Eat - But Not Too Much. I'm currently reading Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense by the same author (Ellyn Satter), which is very interesting and covers infant through I think kindergarden feeding. I'm not too far in, but I do recommend it so far.

Also wanted to thank Moxie and others who opened my eyes to baby-led weaning/feeding and the Gill Rapley article. It's been working out great for us! My mom is not comfortable with it and has been doing purees, but the Pumpkin seems to be fine with either way. And my life is much easier with the baby-led weaning/feeding! So thanks again.

[mamad]

My now 15-month-old showed no interest in making the jump to table foods when he was 11 months old. I was fretting and fretting about it as I thought he'd never get off the baby food -- store bought and homemade. But, it did happen. I kept offering him table food but would have the pureed stuff as backup. We had about six or so weeks of him eating some carby stuff and cheese followed by baby food. Then he just moved to more and more table food. He can still be picky and I usually make him something separate as my husband;s work schedule doesn't permit us to eat dinner together. Unless you think there is an issue there that needs addressed, I would just go with the flow and he will pick it up on his own timeframe. Some good "firsts" for us were yogurt and veggies he already loved but just chunkier, if that makes sense (like sweet potatoes). And unlike most babies I knew he HATED pasta and mac and cheese. Good luck.

[heather]

Here's one thing that worked with getting my 1-yr-old girl to move beyond 'bland mush': make something into bland mush and feed it to her (get her used to the taste), then make it again but slightly less mushier, then again even less mushier,...and so on until there are pieces of 'solid' food being consumed (if cooked squash can be considered 'solid'). I know she's OK with the taste before trying a new texture. This worked well with plain carrots as well as with squash mixed with ground beef.

[Jill in Atlanta]

My 3.5 yo is just outgrowing the "feed me" stage. However, we joke that he's going to become left handed because he's always holding a fork in his right hand, making him eat with the left!

[Meika]

My ten...make that almost-eleven-month-old (!) would eat two things about a month ago: 1) smoothly-store-bought-pureed baby food and 2) Cheerios. I'd started making her some homemade food because that store-bought stuff ADDS UP and she'd have no part of it... which was driving us nuts, because she'd eaten stuff with more texture when she was even younger and we were overseas, so it wasn't like she hadn't had it before.

And she is a child who sticks EVERYTHING in her mouth. Bits of paper (where does this stuff even come from?) are a food group to her. But on her high chair tray? No thank you, ma'am, Cheerios only! Pasha, indeed. :)

Anyway, we did two things. First, we stopped cold turkey with both the Cheerios and the pureed food. We felt comfortable doing this because of her age, since at 9/10 months she was still getting the vast majority of her nutrition from milk. We'd put other finger foods on the tray and she could take them or leave them. Then I started leaving finger foods on the floor. Sounds weird, I know, but I wasn't kidding about everything going in her mouth - she was already eating off of it, just not foodstuffs - and did make sure the floor was clean.) Her milk intake increased for a week or two, but has decreased again now that she is eating more.

[Amy]

Guilty of not reading the comments (not that I don't LOVE the comments, but I'm short on time today). For getting a little one to eat something other than babyfood... I couldn't get #1 or #2 to eat jarred baby food, so I started using the food processor to make my own. The plus side of this was that I could control the mushiness and gradually move them towards chunkier stuff at their own pace. What I've been doing with #3 is not quite puree-ing the food so there's the occasional small chunk in it and then serving those little chunks towards the end when he won't be PO'd that he's hungry and can't swallow it down. He seems to enjoy "chewing" these pieces, even if they do end up coming out of his mouth at the end of the meal. At least I know he's eaten all the mushy stuff before hand.

Finally, I wouldn't worry too much about it. My first and third started solids right at 4 months b/c they were so darned interested in our food that we felt guilty all through every meal that we weren't feeding them. My second however was 7 months before she would swallow anything, and even then it was a slow process to get her on board with eating. She took her own sweet time (as she does with everything) and it all worked out fine. Good luck!

[hedra]

Laura, The book I mentioned includes some discussion of kids like yours - like they have an internal maximum calorie function, and they won't go above that even though they're FTT dx, not gaining well, etc., etc. I think one of the kids she mentioned was 18 lbs at 3 years old or something like that, but there was NO way to increase calories for her - bump them up, and she'd just eat less. FWIW (you probably know this but others might not), for kids, appetite tends to follow the breastmilk supply pattern - highest in the AM, very low in the evening. At dinner time (US typical), they *should* be almost not hungry at all, and they should do a lot of food seeking (snacks, hungry 'again') between getting up and about 11 AM.

Also, I presume you looked into reflux as well? That was a factor with G - anything that had ever set off his reflux was categorically refused, so there were things that were fine, and things that were not but were so darn similar to the fine ones I couldn't figure the pattern! G wasn't spitty, had no symptoms other than some sinus congestion, and no signs of pain. By the time he was in feeding therapy, he'd lost all internal hunger cues - didn't know what it felt like to be hungry, even if he 'should' be. Only after he was well treated for the reflux did he feel 'hungry', and he was certain that he was really sick, because, well, hungry wasn't a feeling like 'ouch' - it had no sensory aspect! I had no idea that could happen. :( Anyway, if you've been through the metabolic rounds etc., you've probably checked reflux as well, but I can't not say it, in case somehow it might help (strange things helped at different times with my kids, so I'm compulsive about passing it on, even if you didn't ask!).

Best of luck on that. It's not fun, I know. G grew, but two of the others had growth issues (lactose/fructose intolerances). Maddening when there's a feeling that there must be SOMETHING to find, and SOMETHING to do, and nobody seems to be able to find anything at all. (And it wasn't all that reassuring for me to be told that average time to accurate dx for some of these things could 6-8 years! ARGH! Can't we do better than that? Sigh.)

For the others, check the books mentioned. Just like the gain vs. release tension by crying thing, some kids gain vs. release issues with feeding by drawing a line in the sand. Many kids will just adjust if you say 'that's your food, and I'm not helping you out' and others will just take their angst out on you in other ways in return. With the twins, one is very responsive to the 'no, and no means no, feel free to have a fit, but no' approach, and the other falls apart in every area whenever that approach is applied - she needs a 'respect her' approach, with mutual problem-solving. I sometimes forget and apply the wrong technique to one of them, and their behavior just ... well, it ain't pretty. But match the approach to the child, and ta-DA! R will do for herself if I draw a hard line and hold it; M will do for herself if she sees an opportunity for mutual problem-solving (and she actually thrives on being able to solve MY problem as often as hers). :shrug: With both at once, it's often easier to negotiate middle ground and not fret or hold lines. They'll outgrow the behavior anyway.

[Alice]

My daughter turned 1 3 weeks ago and she is FINALLY starting to eat food. It has been driving me crazy, but she is finally eating it rather than throwing it around the house.

I kept telling myself 'i haven't met any 15 year olds that don't eat!' That's what has got me through all the well meaning comments and suggestions from people.

She hated baby mash food from day one, and rarely lets me feed her, so it has been a long battle. Now finally she will eat 3 meals a day and when I say meals, for her that's about a tablespoon or 2 or food. Now it's just the battle of what foods she'll eat.

So don't worry about the eating thing. I read somewhere once, that before 1920 kids weren't introduced to solid foods until they were 12 months old. I don't know how true it is, but it made me feel better.

[r0ckaby3]

My 2 1/2 year old still likes for us to feed him. We do the one bite for you, one bite for me route and usually he's feeding himself by the end of the meal. However, he is super picky and doesn't eat much variety. He has always been a kid who loves his liquids, so he typically gets a smoothie a day filled with all the good stuff he won't touch in natural form on his plate. Over the course of the week I figure he's getting what he needs in the long run.

[debinsf]

I hope I'm not being too repetitive, because I skimmed comments -

I'm sure pasha's mom knows this, but it was always so hard for me to remember when in the thick... there will come a time when pasha won't let you open the top of her/his yogurt without throwing a fit, screaming "self! self!" Sweet thing won't want you anywhere NEAR his/her food because once it's touched, it's completely contaminated.

whichever way you go (I'm firm on "whatever works") it's gonna pass. I have to remind myself that every day...

best, best, best to ya.

[Michelle]

What a timely question for today! My son is 21 months old now and we are starting to wonder if he will ever learn to feed himself...we always give him utensils but he plays with them more than he uses them. I have tried not to worry too much about it - I am far too busy worrying about the fact that he isn't talking yet. It will probably be an issue here in a couple months when our now 5 month old is ready for solids and we need the highchair...but I'll jump off that bridge when we get to it, so to speak.

Speaking of solids, my son wasn't interested in anything but baby food until well after his first birthday. I remember worrying about this, but one day he just wouldn't eat anything out of a jar anymore. He liked breads, crackers, and noodles best at first so we started with those. Now he will do veggies and soft fruits like bananas and peaches.

As long as your kid is eating well and you don't suspect any health issues I would agree with Moxie and the other commenters - no need to worry.

[charissa]

My now 15 month old daughter didn't show an interest in finger foods until just after 12 months. It was frustrating, but she eventually picked it up. I fed her pureed stuff, but also put some finger foods on her tray, and eventually she would just eat more and more of those. I don't think it was the fact that I put them there; I think she just started picking them up when she was ready. I agree with Moxie -- just follow the kid's lead.

[Heather in WA]

Wow. I'm feeling very lucky. My 7.5 month old eats anything we put in front of her. Her favorite food right now is avocado. She will also eat (using her hands) black beans, green beans, peas (warm or frozen), Cheerio-type cereal, bananas, bread/rolls/etc, squash, yams... From a spoon: yogurt, applesauce, oatmeal (real, not baby)...

The only thing she doesn't like is carrots. We tried baby food carrots after she refused the ones I pureed. Still no go. We offer them occasionally.

Now that I've said this, she will, of course, go on an eating strike. Sigh.

[Heather]

Hi Moxie, This is so interesting. If you have time can you expand more on the self feeding. My 6 month old has been eating babyfood since he was 4 months. He seems to really like finger food but I have no idea what to feed him. What is safe? What can't I feed him. I'll search the archives too. Just curious what age other parents started finger foods and what foods they used. My 6 month old weighs almost 27 pounds and drinks almost 2 cans of formula a day. Help!

[sue]

@ Heather - with my daughter, who wasn't quite as big, but still a huge baby, and also formula fed, we gave her anything we would eat at 6 months. Really, anything. I still remember the look on my husband's grandmother's face when she started sucking down lo mein at 7 months old. It actually really helped us get our own nutrition in order, since the baby ate what we ate, we had to eat well. So I say, if your baby doesn't have any trouble getting it down, go for it (choking hazards, peanut butter, and other allergens excepted, of course). At 3.5, she'll still eat almost anything you put in front of her.

My data points -
My daughter wanted us to spoon feed her as long as possible. I remember we were still doing it almost every meal at 2.5, and pretty regularly at her third birthday. Her little brother was born when she was 2.5, and she started to become more independent at that point out of necessity. I remember having her evaluated for speech therapy when the baby was about a month old and having the social worker ask if she could feed herself and put on her shoes. I had to say "yes, she can, but she won't do it - she makes me" What they said to me is that sometimes when a child is very bright, but just average in terms of physical development, they get easily frustrated when their body wouldn't behave like they wanted. Once it was mentioned, it was pretty clear this was happening with my daughter - she would try to put on her shoes, get annoyed that it wasn't easy, and ask me to help. Same thing with self-feeding - she'd get really upset when something spilled onthe way to her mouth. So, we just helped her when she asked (including spoon-feeding) and encouraged her to do it herself. She eventually grew out of it - now, at 3.5, she's *really* self-sufficient. She pours herself drinks, gets her own snacks, opens the freezer to sneak a popsicle, and puts on her clothes all by herself. In my experience, it was better to just roll with it than make an issue out of a phase.

My son, who is 9 months old, hates baby food. He'll eat four things regularly - yogurt, applesauce (but NOT baby applesauce), peas, and cheese sticks. And of course gallons and gallons of breastmilk. He'll also drink out of a cup with a straw but not a sippy cup (he can drink out of a sippy cup, he just wants a straw cup because his sister has one). We had to put his soup in a straw cup tonight because he wouldn't let us spoon feed it to him. I think at this age, it's all about control. They control so little in their lives at this age that I think they just grasp at whatever they can. As long as the baby is eating something healthy and reasonably well-balanced, don't stress over it. Who cares if it's baby mush :-) And if the baby really only loves rice cereal, as long as you're mixing it with breastmilk or formula, it doesn't matter. I have a friend whose baby didn't eat anything but breastmilk for 18 months (really. nothing.but.breastmilk) - he's 4 now and perfectly fine. He took off with food once he started actually eating it.

I think we all worry waaaay too much about food with kids. And I say that as an OCD label-reading, organic buying health-nut. As long as you give them mostly healthy choices, who cares if they eat the peas or the carrots (or the mush)?

[KimMae]

Once again I'm not reading above posts (more time later) but wanted to share my personal experiences in hopes that it helps the posters.

My 5 yo still asks to be fed sometimes. I think it is that he wants to be close to us while he becomes more independent in other ways. If I have time and inclination I do; if not then I don't with corresponding communication to him. I think the worst is to get into a (endless) dialog with him about it.

My 2 yo had occupational therapy for almost a year because she was eating nothing at 1 year. She felt like she couldn't - sensory issues - not a control issue for her. Worth getting an assessment. Wow, occupational therapists are amazing and know so much about how to help with sensory issues - even a consult can help with ideas. Most counties have some kind of program that offers free assessments.