Q&A: 20-month-old afraid of an 8-month-old?

Shelley writes:

"I have a 20 month old son and an 8 month old daughter. My son runs and hides behind me and screams frantically whenever my daughter crawls towards him.  What’s up with this?"

Heh. I'm imagining your daughter as a pint-sized Godzilla, storming through Tokyo as your son cowers behind Century Tower.

I think he's probably scared because she's crawling, and that just freaks him out. It's the same reason some adults freak out when we see a mouse running across the floor or a large spider crawling on the wall. Even though we're way bigger than the mouse or the spider, it's the crawling aspect and the "otherness" that scares us.

I have no idea what to do about it, really until she starts to walk, at which point I'm pretty sure he'll stop being afraid of her. Maybe some of the readers have a suggestion about what to do to stop the screaming and cowering? I'll just tell you to make sure you videotape his reaction at least once, because it'll be priceless when they're older.

Comments

[caramama]

You know, I have a bug phobia. Many people have asked me why I'm so scared of things that are so small and harmless. Half of the reason IS the way they move (the other half is how they look).

Maybe you can turn it into a game where you all get on the floor and crawl around? Chase the baby or have them chase you by crawling? I'm thinking of what the author of Playful Parenting would say (excellent book), and he'd say turn it into some kind of game. Maybe you exaggerate being scared of the baby too, so your son and you can run away and try to hide together, making it fun and laughing?

Good luck! And definitely get a recording!

[sue]

Maybe he's afraid of her newfound mobility and new ability to come and pinch him/pull his hair/poke him at will. My daughter (3.5yrs) has screaming fits every time the baby (9mos) crawls her way. Fortunately, she's verbal, so I can ask her what the problem is. She invariably says "the baby's scaring me! he wants to pull my hair!" or something along those lines. If she wasn't old enough to be able to communicate, it would be really distressing to watch.

[Kelly]

My oldest was scared of the youngest too. It did go away after a few months, thankfully, but those were months of us trying to get them together and constant reassurance that it was ok. I wish I could be of more help, besides the "this too shall pass".

[z]

I have been reading the Ames and Haber 12-24 month old book lately and one thing that sticks out to me is that in the 15-21 month period-- peaking at 18 months-- is the need to have everything be in a child's reach. I see it with my 15 month old who likes to make little piles of things.

So perhaps since your son is still in the phase where everything in his sight, reach and around him needs to be his this new person who up until now has been immobile and is now encroaching in his territory is scaring him because of what that means to him. Perhaps its not fear of the baby itself but more of what the baby's mobility means to his world.

Kind of what sue is saying, maybe he's feeling all these emotions about her taking his space and his things that are upsetting him.

[hedra]

He also may be sensitive to direct approach (sensory issue) - B could not bear to be approached directly, it made him feel dizzy and overwhelmed, and would set off panic reactions (leading to him physically attacking a child who ran up to give him a hug, for example, sigh). Mainly, he'd flee. He did seem to find being approached by small children at a fast crawl a bit disturbing, but he was 3 and verbal and physically adept, and would just hide or dodge or run away - plus he was in the active-adoration-of-babies stage, so he would work around quickly to love-deluge on the babies.

Good luck. Help him manage the issue, rather than avoid - give him the means to escape, the words to express, express for him if it seems to help, etc. Whether it's sensory or territorial-age-appropriateness, he's scared, and needs help building the skills to cope.

[Laura]

Hedra,

I don't even know if you'll see this, but I was wondering if you would be willing to email me...several of your comments on various posts have made me think I've finally found a kindred spirit - at least in terms of someone who knows what it's like to raise a child like mine with pretty intense sensory issues, feeding issues, the list goes on...

My email is bluedogjamas@yahoo.com

Thank you!!!

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