Reader call: Tips for single moms

Rachel writes:

"I'm due with my first at the end of Dec.  I have a decent support system of family and friends, but of course it isn't the same as having a partner here with me through all of this.  The father decided to go on his own way when I was about 3 months along...sooooo...I was hoping you'd ask your readers for some reading suggestions for a single mom-to-be.  I'm happy with my current 'understanding your pregnancy' type books, but I'd love to hear recommendations for books geared toward single moms about everything after the birth..."

One of my good friends from my older son's playgroup is a single mom (adopted her daughter as a baby and was single from the beginning). Her summary of what she perceived the differences between being on her own and what she saw in two-parent household was that that she had all the help she needed for the daily stuff, but didn't have anyone to defer to or fight with about the important stuff. She saw it as a tough ramp-up to realize that she was the only person ultimately responsible for this other person. But once she'd gotten into that mode she was happy not to have to compromise with anyone else. (We used to talk about whether she thought she'd meet someone someday, and her joke was that it would have to be someone with his own kid to make decisions about, since she wouldn't be good at compromising with someone else when it came to her daughter. BTW, if any NYC-area single dads looking for a hot, funny, smart, independent secular Jewish mom in her mid 40s with a brilliant and funny 6-year-old daughter are out there, email me and I can set you up.)

Your support system of family and friends is going to be crucial. But I wonder if sometimes women with partners actually get less care and help after the baby comes because the partner is assumed to be filling that role? So you may actually end up with more help for the first month or so than you would have had if you'd had a partner.

I assume you've read Operating Instructions, one of my favorite "parenting" books of all time, which is Anne Lamott's memoir of the first year of her son's life. The father denied the baby was his while Lamott was pregnant, so she had and raised Sam "on her own" with her motley and loyal cadre of friends and family to help her. It's the most real, honest portrayal of motherhood I've read, and I think a lot of that is because Lamott could focus so much on her relationship with Sam and not have to worry about a relationship with a partner at the same time. (Full review here.) It's not going to give any practical instructions for being a single mom, but it will help you keep things in perspective about parenting in general.

But that's the limit of my knowledge of being a single mom to a baby. So please, readers, jump in. What can you recommend for Rachel, in terms of resources for single moms and arranging help?

Comments

[Maria]

The advice isn't all that different from the partnered moms' advice, but it's more important because everything as a single parent is intensified:

1. Sleep when the baby sleeps – every time. Line up friends ahead of the birth (actually, get a friend to do the lining up) to help with household chores and meal preparation for as long as possible - a minimum of a couple of weeks.

2. Go to La Leche League. The support and friendship you'll find there are invaluable. Also, you can call Le Leche Leaders any time with questions and worries, cause that's what they're there for. And one of the biggest challenges as a single mom is not having anyone to share those multitude of worries with. They get huge in your mind when you can't share them, and then you get unsure of what's a rational worry and what's hormones.

3. Attach with the baby - by which I mean (if you can get on board philosophically) cosleep, babywear, and take the baby with you wherever you go. It may seem counterintuitive because you don't have a partner to do the other stuff, but that's what your support system is for. The more tuned in you and the baby are to each other, and the more secure the baby is in your constant presence, the easier it will be for you in the long run.

Honestly, for me, single mom-ing a baby was pretty easy and great. It's gotten harder as she's gotten older (she's now 4) for a few reasons. It's socially harder now, because it's more obvious that everyone else has 2 parents in the household (sadly, I am expecting this to get better as she gets older and more of her peers' parents split up). Everyone can relate to a baby and a mom, and let's face it, even the most involved of dads are less central to a baby than Mama. But lots of dads show up at the preschool open house, and when the baby gets bigger you start not being able to bring her to stuff like moms' get-togethers when everybody else has a dad to leave the kids with for a couple of hours. I even (belatedly) became aware of some dynamics in a homeschool coop we were in where the other moms were acting worried that I was a threat to their marriages somehow, which was a) ridiculous, b) insulting (to me and their husbands, frankly) and c) really disappointing because I really needed connection with other families, not high school drama.

It's hard to find other single parents to get solidarity and support from because (I think) they're all so busy. Also because there just aren't that many of them out there when the kid is a baby. But if you can find them and connect regularly even for a few minutes – a cup of coffee, a phone call after dinner - it can really help.

Oh, and read Moxie!

[amy]

People will line up to help with a new baby, but that will fizzle out after 4-6 weeks, which is when I really needed someone to come watch my tot so I could take a nap.

My advice is that when people offer to come help, particularly the people you're closer to, invite them to help out early on the condition that they come back again a month later. With food. Or diapers. Or formula.

My plan, if I ever actually get pregnant with my second, is to be up front about it with those I'm close to - I will need more help than I got last time, and I will need it farther out in the calendar than I expected to. And could they please pick up a salad on the way? That'd mean the world to me.

[Shandra]

This isn't a book and I'm not a single parent so... sorry for not following your question... but here's my tip to all new & especially BFing moms: stock your pantry with things you can eat with ONE hand: granola bars, trail mix, frozen muffins, frozen calzones/burritos stuffed with vegetable goodnesses. Without a partner it might be even harder to eat with two hands.

[rudyinparis]

A buddy of mine had a baby last April and she found herself in your situation. I think it's true that a lot of support can fizzle out after that first newborn period. As a coupled-person with a single-mama friend, I would recommend to you that after the honeymoon period, when you find you are really, really dragging, you sell babysitting to your coupled-friends-with-kids as a getaway for them. I LOVE watching her little peanut because she is usally asleep {laughing} and I don't feel compelled to wash my friend's dishes or organize all her stuff, the way I feel obligated at my own house. So it's a great getaway for me, too.

I know my friend has occasionally checked this community out (as I rave about it quite a bit) so I'm going to email her with a heads up about this topic--she's the expert. And also to find out if she needs a babysitter this weekend.

[rudyinparis]

Oh, and also, I can't think of any specific books but I'm sure they're out there (I do know there's a "The everything book for single Moms"). And Moxie is right about Operating Instructions. It's wonderful.

[Betty]

I'm not a single mom, but our prenatal class instructor recommended a parenting book that is really great because it's inclusive of all types of families - two parents, one parent, gay parents, etc. etc. It's called Becoming The Parent You Want to Be, by Laura Davis and Janet Keyser, and was published in 1996.

It covers up to about age five - not tons of stuff for babies but it gives you lots to think about and prepare for when the toddler years strike.

[Meg]

Learn to wear your baby comfortably and confidently in at least one type of carrier. (Check here for a real live teacher: http://www.mamatoto.org/Default.aspx?tabid=61 ) You will need both hands -- desperately! -- and I fully agree with the first commenter that secure attachment will make everything easier in the long run. Best of luck!

[Erika]

Find out if your grocery story delivers. I know Safeway does, at Safeway.com. It costs about $8 to $10, and they deliver within a 2-4 hour window of time, so i's well worth it, especially if you're going to be home anyway, and I think I saw that if you order by 9:30am it can be delivered that afternoon! I think there's a $50 minimum, but that's a pretty easy limit to hit. This was a great help for me. You can even order a rotisserie chicken and hot sides and a bottle of wine!

Congratulations!

[Jess]

Ditto to all of the above. I cannot agree strongly enough about the baby carrier-- the bonding aspect is great, but the practicality of hands-free baby-toting can't be beat. As others have gotten at, I would outsource everything you can possibly afford to outsource, e.g. cleaning, laundry, grocery delivery. Hint to your parents that 10 visits from a cleaning service would probably be worth a lot more to you (and the baby) in the first six months than a fancy stroller. If your friends want to know what to get you, say, "One Saturday afternoon a month of babysitting for the first year". If you have a good relationship with your parents and can live near them, I would do it (though if your relationship is not so great, this might add to your worries, so don't feel pressured to live near them if you don't want to-- trust your gut on that one).

Find a place you can go for long walks with the baby (in the stroller or the carrier). Get a stroller you can walk with on that terrain. Long walks in the park kept me from going completely insane when my baby had colic. As Moxie says, exercise can be a big part of helping ppd, but also just letting of normal post-partum steam.

Also, I would say to any new mom, single or not, what was said to me by a woman in a coffee shop when my baby was two weeks old: "You MUST meet other MOms. Go to the park, go to baby groups, stop women with newborns on the street-- it's ok, women with new babies are allowed to break the rules of social engagement. Just meet people. Don't be shy." She was 100% right. I've given my phone number to more than a few women who probably thought I was nuts and never called back-- but I also met some moms who became good friends by just being bold enough to put myself out there.

For the long term: speaking as the child of a single mom, I can say one of the greatest things my mom ever did was to say nothing bad about my father. Ever. And he was a dysfunctional, abusive jerk who hurt both of us a lot, bigtime. But I came to that conclusion myself eventually, and it was much better that way.

[Maria]

Thanks so much for that reminder, Jess. Highly important to remember, and tempting to forget.

[MamaD]

I think having a great support system of family and friends will be awesome and quite possibly all you will need. :) My husband and I don't live near anyone and all of our friends are childless so for us it was harder not to have that outside support. I read Operating Instructions and am embarrassed to admit I was actually jealous because she had such a GREAT support network and was getting out on her own and getting time on her own WAY more than I was with a husband. And yes, I am still a little iotter and hurt about the total lack of help we got from our families. Anyway, didn't mean to get off on a tangent there. I am not sure that you need a book for a single mom. I got the most help in those early months from this blog and other internet sites. :) The hardest part in the early days was finding time to pee, eat, shower while nursing a baby that ate constantly. It was nice to have someone else around that could hold the baby. So I would suggest what others have said and try and line up some outside help for those first weeks and beyond, find a few slings you can try since the baby will inevitably not like the one you love and outsource as much work as possible. Good luck.

[stacy]

They already said it, but here it is again - babywearing will save your life.

I'm not a single mom, but hubby had to go back to work not long after B. was born, and my closest family is about 1500 miles away. We were new in town when B. was born, too, so we didn't have many friends. The kid spent the first six months of his life attached to me pretty much all day. Which meant I could clean my house, surf the internet, read a book, cook a meal, go to the grocery store, go for a walk, do my laundry...

I don't know how that stuff would have ever gotten done without my Ergo.

And like others have said, seek out other moms. It takes time. B. is almost 11 months and I finally found a group I gel with. But it's made a *huge* difference in my well-being to have that social network. And every single mom in the group feels the same way. We need each other. Humans didn't evolve as one mom taking care of one baby by herself all the time. And because other moms understand, they'll be the first to jump in and lend a hand when you need it. This will be even more important as the baby gets older (newborns just want to nurse and sleep; it's when they get mobile that they drive you crazy :)

And just in general - don't be afraid to ask. If you know you need something, ask a family member or friend for the help. Our society teaches us that we should be able to do everything on our own, but it doesn't really work that way. Most people are scared to barge in because they don't want to insult you, they don't want to imply that you can't do everything on your own. But if you ask them, then they'll step up. You shouldn't have to ask, but our social norms for these things are so screwed up that you do.

[Jessica]

Single mom here. Ex husband bailed when I was pg and is long gone in a no-contact way, so I've been doing it completely alone from the start. I don't have family nearby and one of the most important things I did was network with other single moms in the area. Please email me if you want more info- we have a great group and not everyone is in NYC.

The most important thing to remember is that you'll be ok and so will your baby. Things will work out. Also, being a single mom really blows sometimes but having a partner doesn't always make things easier. You'll find a balance that works for you. Sometimes being a single mom is nice because you don't have to deal with anyone else butting in and you can make all the decisions.

A lot of the new mom stuff is geared to moms who actually have the time to go to LLL meetings, or breastfeed to begin with, etc etc etc...you may or may not have time to do that- I certainly didn't because I was working full time again six weeks after my c section. Some women move in with their mom and that makes things easier- so a lot of it depends on your living circumstance.

Definitely find a babysitter you like for at least part time. Make time for yourself that doesn't include the child- easier after the first year. You will need a break. It's healthy for you and the child.

Please contact me if you need to talk- I've been through this and I know how awful it is not only to deal with having the baby and all the post-partum-mom-shock, but also getting over a relationship and the whole abandonment thing. I'm not a therapist, just a girl who went through it alone and came out ok. My daughter will be 2 next week. Being a single mom is tough but is by no means the worst thing in the world.

The main thing that women with partners don't relate to (no offense meant to anyone here, please don't take any) is the emotional aspect of being alone in it. I see on a lot of blogs "single mom for the weekend" kind of stuff and it's just so much more than caring for the child yourself because it doesn't have a forseeable end.

Sorry for the long ramble, contact me if you need or want to.

:)

[snickollet]

Very timely post for me. I have been meaning to write in and ask a similar question. I'm a single mom to sixteen-month-old twins; my husband died when the twins were 9.5 months and our families are thousands of miles away. It's not easy, but you do what you have to do. I get so tired of people saying, "I don't know how you do it!" Well, I don't have a choice now, do I? But anyway. I don't know of a good single mom book, I'm afraid, but here are my tips. Many echo what others said, but perhaps a few new things:

1. Definitely outsource. Having someone else clean my house is such a huge, huge gift of time and mental energy for me. Grocery delivery is awesome, too--such a help.

2. Get your family/friends to help on a schedule. I have the same friend come for two hours Monday nights, a different friend on Tuesday nights, and a different friend on Thursdays. Knowing that I have help three nights a week makes the other four nights easier somehow. You can also schedule people to drop off dinner once a week (or once a month, or whatever), babysit a certain night on a schedule, etc. I have found that have people slotted in is key to getting the help to happen. I just don't have time to call and set things up. If it's on the calendar, I don't have to.

3. I've had to let go of a lot of ideas about the parent I thought I'd be. This is probably true for many parents, not just single parents, but I feel like it's been a bit more acute for me as compared to my partnered friends. I am much more schedule-driven, strict, and less crunchy-granola than I expected I would be. I have to be to keep my sanity. In contrast to other commenters, I did not do as much babywearing and cosleeping as I had thought I would and I've felt a need to guide my kids to be as independent as possible as early as possible so that we can all get through the day. Part of this is a twin thing, but I think part of it is a single parent thing, too.

4. My experience has been that the logistics have gotten easier as they have gotten older, but the emotional side has gotten harder. Sleeping, eating, baths, getting to daycare, etc.--not a problem for us. But as the twins have turned into toddlers and are testing my limits and gaining more skills, I find my patience with them is thinner. This makes it more and more critical for me to have friends who come and help me out on a schedule, so that I have the reinforcement of another adult when I'm feeling stretched thin.

5. Definitely connect with other parents. A playgoup, a new moms group, a breastfeeding support group (if you plan to bf), etc. are all good ways to meet other parents. I don't know if you'll be working out of the house or not . . . I do, and weekends can feel long if I don't plan to get together with other parents and kids.

6. If you do work outside the home, and your job schedule allows it, pamper yourself while at work. Go get a manicure at lunch, or a special coffee treat, or whatever makes you happy and grown-up and not like a parent. I find I need those moments.

OK, enough from me. E-mail me if you'd like; my address is on my blog. Good luck with everything.

[pnuts mama]

first, let me say props to you for looking out for this info ahead of the game- i'm sure that is going to serve your best interests and the interests of your baby (congrats!) in both the long and short term.

second, i totally agree with the pp who encouraged never bad-mouthing the babies father. no matter what, 1/2 of their dna comes from him, and the psychology surrounding how they feel about their dad (or mom) is complex, and takes a long time to work out. to start life thinking that 1/2 of you is broken or bad is such a hard thing to recover from. my sister was a single mom for 6 years, and to her credit, has never once bad mouthed my nephews father to him or in his earshot.

we have friends that are single moms both by choice and by circumstance. i would say that from observation, they certainly do rely on more support from family and friends, and good for them for knowing when they need the help. it probably would be smart to have some other single-mom friends who'll know what you're talking about when you need to vent or laugh, are their ways of finding a group in your area or online?

also i would say that if you have any couple friends with older kids already, they often can be the best babysitters and most reliable for knowing what you need later on when the baby is 4 months and older. they like to hold/watch/play with a baby and can be trusted to do so, yet they also know you from "before baby" and can be a link to your life as it was, and help you transition into what it will be now.
best of luck!

[pnuts mama]

@snickollet- the girl across the street from us is a single mom of twins by choice and i've heard her say the same thing about the reality of having them being different from what she expected. she bf'd, but also gave formula, fed them solids reeeeeally early, has tons of entertainment devices to keep them occupied while she gets things done, etc.

i think being single with twins is a lot more about survival and less about following the strict (and often unrealistic) rules of AP parenting. FWIW, my kid never took to any type of babywearing, and it was sort of a relief for me in a way to be able to be not touching her as we seemed to be breastfeeding 24/7 anyway.

she is also in the throes of their 17 month old toddlerhood and seems to be stretched thin as well. i think as moms we need to remember sometimes that these phases that test our limits end eventually, and to not beat ourselves up too much for reacting the way we do sometimes. there's a reason why most of us don't remember much before the age of three!

hang in there and my sympathy for your loss.

[Kate]

Not a single mom, but I just wanted to ditto what other have said about making time for yourself.

I talked my way into (thru an LLL friend) a wonderful book club that I've been a part of for more than 2 years. So during the month I am "forced" to read something that's not a board book, then have the bonus of getting out of the house for two whole hours one evening. I really go come hell or high water. It's such a relief to step out of the mommy role for a bit--at 32 I am the baby of the group and it's nice to be among people not in my stage of life.

[andrea]

I'm not a single mother (though I am the daughter of one). One thing that immediately occurred to me, though, is that it would be really useful to have a few people you could call in the middle of the night if the baby just won't settle and you need someone to talk to (to vent to, be soothed by, whatever). I have five-month-old twins. As tiredness and sleep deprivation mounts, those times can be pretty tough. Even just knowing you CAN call someone if you need to may help relieve the stress you may feel at those times (though I hope you're blessed with a great sleeper!). Where I live in Australia, we also have a Maternal and Child Health Line that is staffed 24 hours a day by midwives and nurses. If you have a similar helpline where you live, I'd put by the phone its number and the numbers of any friends/family members who have agreed you can call them no matter what the time.

Also, on books, avoid reading ANY that say things like "never nurse/rock/bounce/whatever your baby to sleep because you'll create that sleep association and they'll never be able to go to sleep any other way". Ditto "you MUST co-sleep with your baby because that's the only way to go". As Moxie frequently says - and I think this holds even more true when you're parenting on your own - just do whatever gets you and bub the most sleep and be prepared to be flexible if that "whatever" stops working and you need to find a new way.

Which brings me to another list idea (yes, I love lists). Settling methods. Before your baby is born, do a bit of reading on the net, in books, chat to friends and family, etc, to find various ways of settling babies to try with yours. Before the twins I had never spent much time with young babies. For example, I had no idea that rhythmic, firm pats on the bottom, holding them face down on their tummies, patting their tummies, bouncy seats, etc etc, would work so well (with ours, at least). Having a list of potential methods to which to refer on those days when you are on your own and nothing seems to be working could be a sanity saver.

Good luck!

[Susannah]

Single mom here (DS is 10 months old). I second many of the thoughts above.

First of all: Congratulations, Rachel!

Also: Be Proud. Be very proud of what you are doing to care for and provide for this little one all on your own. Don't be ashamed or try to hide it- let people know you are a single mom. I am amazed and grateful at how often people (like the Sears repair guy yesterday) will go the extra mile to help me out if I say I am a single mom. It turns out most people know at least one single mom who is a hero to them. If someone has thought worse of me for it, I haven't known (I'd probably be too busy or tired too notice anyway). At first I thought most people would be curious how I ended up single with an infant, but in my experience no one except for the people who know and care about me seems to worry much about the backstory; divorce, abandonment, widowhood, choice- how we got here is incredibly important to us, but what really seems to matter to others is the virtual certainty that they are dealing with a mom and child who could use a helping hand.

Speaking of which, I agree about lining up a hotline person to call. It may not always be the person you're closest to, or even the most responsible or obvious as a child care provider- ideally it should be someone who enjoys a good rescue opportunity now and then. (Don't rule out any not-especially nurturing guy friends- they are perfect for this in my experience!). Sometimes you just need someone to come over and be there. They can hold the babe while you step outside for a breath of air or have a good cry in the shower for 10 minutes.

I found sometimes I really craved touch, and getting a massage helped. Even with a sweet soft delicious bundle to cuddle all the time, sometimes I just wanted to be touched by another adult in a nurturing way. Massage went a long way during those times.

Toward the end of my pregnancy, I used to get bummed about how romantic some coupled people's "birth stories" sounded. I imagined that if I was alone, somehow that would take away from the meaning of the birth for me. I wish I knew that the biggest love story of my life was about to start, and it is so full and rich and wonderful just as it is. I found out I really didn't need or want a husband/father there just for the sake of having him there. If I were crazy about the person I"m sure I would have wanted to share, but I really didn't need to.

Whew! I have many more thoughts, but it's getting late. Would LOVE to hear from other single moms- I haven't found my "community" yet IRL so on-line it is for now...

[Karen]

Hi Rachel,
Read Ariel Gore -- The Mother Trip! It's fab funny and affirming of all mom. Ariel became a mom sans partner at 18 and her incredible daughter just went to college. Best to you! It's a wild and wonderful ride and you will find your groove.

[k]

rachel, i agree with susannah - congratulations! i'm a single mom of a one year-old, and i think the fact that you're already trying to line things up certainly speaks well for you. i can't say i've found a "single parenting" book, per se, but i did love "operating instructions." i read it way before i was ever pregnant, and reread it a few months ago. the thing i took away most, though, isn't unique to single parenting - the idea that it's okay to not feel fuzzy and warm and empowered and maternal and calm all the time. if you can find even one person with whom you feel safe admitting ALL of the feelings parenting evokes, you'll be much saner... and i'll be honest, i thought i had an awesome support system all lined up (i.e., supportive family and great friends). turns out once sprout arrived, i realized how crucial it was to have people around who understood acutely what life is like with a baby, and for me that meant finding a group of new moms. the support system i though would help carry me through, puttered out pretty quickly, and i felt very alone. the moms i befriended have become my family, and i would so highly recommend seeking out new moms you share parenting philosophies with. it's great to swap stories and sympathy with another mom, but if she's a scheduled, cio, bottle feeder, and you're a attachment, breastfeeding, cosleeper (or vice versa), the bond is harder to sustain. i think starting with a great birth class (hopefully one that is geared toward your birth style - natural vs. epidural,etc.) is a good place to start. it gives you a chance to meet people before the baby arrives, and what you learn during the classes is so helpful even if you don't make friends.... i agree with having someone you can call or email in the middle of the night. sometimes it was a godsend to send my friend an email at 2 am, when sprout kicked around every night, and i could just say, "whoa! - not loving this wee one right now," and when i checked my email again at 5 am, there was a message back from her saying something similar. find people who never make you feel like the way your baby sleeps (or does not sleep) should EVER be a source of guilt or pride. it's one of the many things mostly out of our control, and they're not babies forever.... and i also agree about needing to get out of the house. i wasn't really able to leave her with others often, so i found places for us to go together - LLL meetings, long walks, and lots of potlucks at my girlfriend's houses. treating yourself to good food (often) is sooooo important.
obviously, i could go on for way too long. point is, you can do it. it will likely be hard, but toothy, drooly smiles and belly laughs make up for a lot. feel free to email me if you ever want.

[Amy]

I was a single mom to 2 small children through divorce and want to second the suggestion to have an "on call" person. For me, the biggest issue was that I was always "on". No matter what needed to be done--bath, dinner, change of clothes, homework, you name it--it was totally up to me to do this. That's hard when a partner goes out of town for a week, but it's down right overwhelming when it's all you all the time. So, having a college student come over one night a week to do the bath (when baby is a little older--you don't even have to leave the house... it's just nice to have someone else be in charge!), or do the baby holding, or to take baby to the park on a Saturday mornings, might give you a little break. I recommend a set time weekly that you (and baby) can look forward to as a break from the responsibility. Don't let your time at work count as your break from the care taking responsibilities... b/c that's not taking care of you.

[emily]

I'm not a single mom, but my friend who is (of two!) recommends Louise Sloan's new book, titled, of all things, "Knock Yourself Up."

And congratulations!

[hedra]

Not a lot of useful advice, just some observations from my friends who are or have been single moms, and as a child of multiple divorces...

1) serious ditto on the not badmouthing the dad. One of the things I'm most grateful for in my childhood was the way my mom could always find something good to say about my dad, and even when there was something negative that I needed to know (like changes in visitation and sibling custody), she communicated them to me gently and with more regret/sorrow than anger/frustration. Not always perfect, but you could tell it was a priority for her that she do her best on that. My dad was NOT so good at this, and his attempts to convince me that my mom was deeply flawed just irked me and made me defensive for her, which put more distance between me and him than was needed or useful. They're both pretty clear-eyed about the other, not so much about themselves, and I'm perfectly able to figure out their flaws for myself, thanks! I didn't need them fed to me.

2) The depth of the emotional burden of full ownership for the child's wellbeing has *not* been understated here. I've seen it in my friends' eyes, heard it in their voices, and know that my 'week/-end single parenting' or even the low-access for a long time due to evening school is an order of magnitude off from reality for them. One of the things that helped ease one of my best friends' mind was to have a will in place with a guardianship specified. Laying it out helped make it very clear what she wanted and who she wanted to do it. You can change that as often as you want (codicil is all it takes), but having it is just a little bit of the burden handled on paper. No advice on it beyond that, but one more thing you can do to nail down your safety net.

3) Guy friends count, though they may not be your first line in the first year. My best friend from above had a network of guy friends who she formally asked to serve as male role models with her child (who happened to be a boy, but she'd have wanted it with a girl as well). They took this very seriously, and made time on a rotating basis to do dad-and-child or uncle-and-child things, show up on 'special person days' at school, etc. Her son is now nearly an adult, and has a very balanced sense of himself as a guy, probably more than most, as he had five or six DIFFERENT men on whom to model his masculinity. The variety didn't seem to cause him any harm, though there were times where he wished he had a simpler family structure (mainly in early gradeschool). Umpteen unrelated uncles and no dad was problematic for a short while, but has more cachet as a teen.

4) If you can't count on family enough, make more. Not more kids, but find family-by-choice. My friend (above again) has become my sister. Her son is my mother's grandson, my children's cousin. His picture is on my mom's wall with the rest of the grandkids, he's got a college fund from her, and my friend is in my mom's will as an equal with the rest of us born-kids, though she and my mom only met when she was 18 or so. Yeah, that's farther than most people are willing to go (or usually even want to, on either side), but if the love and friendship is there, count it kith even if you can't count it kin. It isn't a lie to call your new-found network your family. Quotation marks not needed.

I think that's the best I can offer.

Congratulations, it will be an amazing journey, enjoy it when you can (and don't fret about the times you can't!).

[hedra]

Note I didn't mean you should NOT have more kids (seriously NOT my meaning!), but that I was talking about adding adult relatives as network/support. Boy did that come out badly when I re-read it!

[Sarah]

First of all, congratulations Rachel. Welcome to the roller-coaster.

A little background about me: I'm a single mom to a 3 year old. Relationship went bad and relocated for work before I even found out I was pregnant, and I live 4,000 miles from my family, who couldn't (or wouldn't) travel. So, new town, new job, new baby and very little support, emotional or physical.

For me, in the early months, the toughest part by far was the sleep deprivation with no end in sight. Baby would only nap if she was in the car seat or being walked in the stroller, she hated any type of sling or carrier, and would wake up as soon as she stopped moving. Pacing the floor in the middle of the night trying to get her to sleep, knowing that I wasn't getting any rest and not likely to until the next evening, and that I had to keep going, definitely pushed me to the edge.

The good news is that you eventually figure out solutions, you find a routine and you create a situation that works for your family … you and your baby. There is no right answer, and even what you think is your right answer will change. Frequently. It doesn’t have to be anybody’s else ideal.

The other tough part, and I’m echoing a comment made above, is that the difference between FT single moms and moms who are single for a period of time, however long that may feel (and truly no offense intended), is that you are it. You are responsible, there is no white knight riding in to allow you some respite, and it can get overwhelming.
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All of that said, what worked for me, was the following:

1. Letting go - so what if the house is a mess, as long as it's not making anyone sick, it's ok.

2. Find support: and it can come from unlikely places. I actually struggled with mom's groups, and never really found one where I fitted ... but as an example, in talking to a old lady on one of our (many) walks, discovered she'd been a single mom in the 50's (helped me put my situation in perspective) and more importantly was funny, interesting and looking for company. I've also found that as my daughter has got older it's been easier to find and talk to other single moms (sad, but true). I’ve also found that as she’s got older, it’s just easier to meet and talk to other parents in general.

If you're lucky to have friends and family that will cook, clean, go to the grocery store, take them up the offer or ASK! If you can afford it, and don't have the support, outsource it. Order groceries on-line, get a cleaner for a short time (a great gift idea from a group of friends or family who live some distance away), join Netflix so that you don’t have to worry about taking something back when WW3 is breaking out around you.

3. Let go of the parent you thought you'd be. You do the best you can in the circumstances in that moment. Try not to beat yourself up when that's not all that you hoped it would be. As someone said to me, “it’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon”

4. Get out, even if it’s walking around the neighborhood. Being surrounded by the same 4 walls (particularly if the place is getting messy), doesn’t help your state of mind.

5. Do your research on daycare. It’ll be tough when you return to work (I’m assuming as a single mom, this is a necessity), so you need to feel that you’re in sync with your carer. Get back up in place for when baby is sick or you need to work late … hopefully you have a sympathetic employer, but you don’t have anyone to play tag team with, and the sympathy can wear thin with repeated emergencies.

Most importantly, enjoy your beautiful baby. Find as much support as you can and just discover him/her. For me, the last 3 years have been challenging, but also by far, the most amazing. In an ideal world there are things I’d change, but faced with the realities and what those choices would mean, not a thing …

[hedra]

Sarah's older woman conversation is important - there are many grandmas who don't have access to (or relationships with) their grandkids, and who would love to have that. It's a real hunger for many of them. Consider them on your backup/emergency/tea-and-misery list.

[Susannah]

Susannah back again, agreeing with all above. I think getting the financial and legal matters sorted out was a big milestone for me, even if they aren't perfect. For me that meant: life insurance (as much as I could manage), great health insurance, disability insurance, a guardianship arrangement, and understanding the legal implications of unwed parenthood, especially custody. All very hard to deal with when you are pregnant, but what a relief when I got it done! Then lining up other adults to have regular contact with the little one made me feel less alone- knowing he has others in the world who love and care for him makes a big difference. And doing my very level best to facilitate his dad's involvement, as hard as it can be at times, feels right also.

[Cynthia]

I am the single parent of a now 7 year old and I agree with much that has been said here. Sarah, Susannah and others touched on some important points that I second.

I don't have pointers necessarily, but some things to think about:
The biggest thing that comes to mind when I think back to being the single mother of a new born are two emotions: guilt and resentment. Followed closely by frustration. And of course that overwhelming mother-bear love for your child ;)

I was angry and resentful that my son's father did not sacrifice as I had, or change his life really at all. I felt guilty that I felt such relief when I did get a break, when I went back to school, and later when I went to work. Guilty when I lost my temper, guilty when my son was sick and I had to leave him with mother so I could work, frustrated when I didn't know what to do or how to "fix" whatever was going wrong. Guilty that I can't afford art classes or swimming lessons or whatever. So yeah... guilt was (is?) a huge part of my life. If possible, try to minimize this aspect for yourself.

Think hard, before you have your baby about what kind of parent you want to be, what values you want to live by etc... it will help you in the long run. While being a single parent reduces the amount of compromise you must make in parental decisions, it also has the nasty byproduct of placing the burden squarely on your shoulders... there is no one else ultimately responsible for your child, so finding someone to bounce ideas off of, to help you make the big decisions is tough. There is where supreme self confidence and assertiveness comes in handy.

And speaking of assertiveness... maybe it's my personality, or maybe other singles mothers go through similar situations... NEVER let anyone make you feel like less of a parent because you are single. Don't play second fiddle to partnered parents (esp. at school age), don't assume they know more about parenting because they're in a couple. Most importantly, don't be ashamed of your situation and don't make excuses for it. Advocate for your child (with the doctors, with the childcare, with the schools, with family even) Follow your gut.

Back to frustration again: dealing with the double whammy of being both a woman and a single parent in the workplace is difficult. You may not be able to take advantage of all the opportunities that come your way, to put in the hours needed to excel in your career as you'd like to. Re-accessing your goals, setting priorities and deciding what is important to you will help keep things in perspective. But all the Catch 22's you will encounter can most certainly be frustrating.

One last point: know you legal stuff. Family law varies from state to state, but most people who have never had to deal with it have very misguided ideas as to what the law actually is. You probably don't need a lawyer as many states have agencies set up to deal with child support dealings, but do find out how things work where you live... and as annoying as it is, don't put off establishing paternity and child support payments. The onus will always be on you as custodial parent to make sure any court orders are being enforced, but your child deserves financial support from both parents.

Please feel free to email me if you have any questions.
Sorry for the rambling book, Moxie