Reader call: Is there a best time to have a second child?

We've kind of talked about this previously, but not with as many commenters. I'm hoping everyone will just jump in with their own data points of experience.

Susan writes:

"Talking with my mama friends, one thinks that maybe she is pregnant again (accidentally) and she would feel badly for her 18 month old if she was pregnant because he is still so little and she'd planned to wait until he was school-aged so that both kids could have her focus when they were very young.

Personally, I think it would be better for myself, my husband and our 18 month old boy to wait until he is around 3 before adding another because of our quality of life and having the older child mature enough to understand his new sibling and be helpful etc, and away at at least half-days somewhere.

I'm just wondering if there have been any studies done on if there is a 'best time' for a child to gain a baby sibling and for a family's quality of life, and if the readers want to weigh in and we can do our own study.

Maybe there's no magic time to introduce Child #2, but if there is, it sure would be interesting to hear about!"

The premise is that you actually get to choose the spacing of your kids, which we all know isn't applicable to many of us. But, assuming that you could choose, what does your experience tell you are the pros and cons of different ages?

Personally, I think any age separation could be perfect or bad, depending on how many resources you have (of all types) when the kids are little, how you treat them, and what your priorities are. Everyone knows kids X years apart who are best friends, and kids X years apart who hate each other. Parents who loved the kids at a certain spacing and others who wish their kids weren't spaced at that distance.

So when we're offering our experience, let's talk about what our priorities were for the sibling relationship, whether we think the spacing achieved those goals, and what could have been different.

I'll start. My boys are 3 years and 2 months apart. For me it was important that my older one have his full "turn" to be The Baby, and he was definitely a big boy by the time the second one came. But I also wanted them to be close enough to play together, and to have some time home together before the older one had to be in school all day. Those things my priorities for the sibling relationship, and I think that spacing achieved those two goals.

My older one went to preschool a few days a week when the little one was 4 months old. It was good, in that he had that fun activity and it gave me alone time with the baby. But the logistical challenge of getting to and from school and trying to deal with the baby's nap at the same time made it kind of nasty some days.

My parenting goal continues to be encouraging them to be kind to each other and to work out problems between the two of them. I want them to be able to negotiate with each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt. I am not sure it that would have been as easy if they had been closer together. I suspect that if they'd been spaced more closely (under 2 years) I might not have had the emotional resources to be able to help them navigate their relationship. But who knows? It might have come together even faster than it did.

OK, everyone. Jump in. What were your priorities for the sibling relationship, and do you think your spacing achieved those? Let's pretend for a minute that the world is fair and everyone can space their kids and afford to have as many as they want.

Comments

[cagey]

My kids are 20 months apart - newest just born in July. Consistently, everyone in the 2 Under 2 crowd has said that it is difficult in the beginning, but it pays off later. And Oh My God, it IS hard in the beginning and I am in the throes of that right now.

But.

I have a friend who had a baby earlier this year and she has a 9 year old already. She is definitely facing different issues with sibling jealousy, etc. Also, she had to completely and utterly "start over". for me, adding a new baby to the mix was not earth-shattering and much of my baby equipment was still out and in use anyway.

So, I would agree with the previous commenters that each age span has different challenges.

[Kelly]

My first two (both boys) are 15 months and one week apart. We wanted our kids to be close, but not quite that close- we weren't expecting it to happen quite so quickly- the first month! I was in shock, and spent a lot of time wondering if I was going to be able to cope, and hoping for a mc. We wanted ou kids to be close because I only have a younger by ten years half brother, and my husband is an only child. We were looking to create what we never had. Also, I had had a horrible breastfeeding experience with son number one, and wanted to try again, in a most desperate, primal way.
My boys are now 4.75 and 3.5 and we also have a little girl, 2.5 weeks old. I think it's telling that we waited so long for number three: in France (where we live) they say that two kids makes a family, the third is for love. I don't know if it's tru or not.
For me, the spacing mostly works. The first doesn't remember being an only child, and the first two play together really well (most of the time). It's a bit like having twins, but without the nightmareish infant stage. I do wish that son number two weren't quite so in the thros of the horrible threes now that I have a newborn to take care of, but we can't have everything!

[&BabyMakes75]

Just a thought for some of you who are in the considering stage of more than one child... my husband and I consciously planned only one child from before pregnancy. There is a great book called Maybe One that I highly recommend. Just want to put that out there so that people know it doesn't have to be an "of course I want more than one." I know many people whose resources were stretched to the breaking point or beyond because they hadn't questioned if more than one was the right decision for them in particular. Sure, "society" gives us many messages that more than one is expected, yet "society" doesn't raise our particular children. And by resources, I absolutely factor in emotional availablilty, too; it is simply not about money, which, of course, could be a factor, too. Other factors - life goals for the adults, environmental concerns, many other factors including owning up to personal challenges. I love being a true co-parent to one child. I can't imagine more than one for my particular family. I just want to add my 0.02 to plug for people to search within themselves to an informed decision for themselves and their lives. I'm having trouble articulating lately so I hope I didn't offend.

[julie]

I do think it's important to acknowledge those who want only one....and it's true that generally society assumes once you have one you are loving it and can't wait to have more. Thank you for making that point.

My husband and I were watching that show "Friday Night Lights" a couple weeks ago (yes, we're sad TV people) and on the show the couple has a 16-17 year old daughter and they find out they're pregnant again and I asked my husband how he would feel if we found out we were having another baby when A was 17.....we both agreed - THAT would be the hardest by far. To be so close to "being done" (though we know you're never really done) but SO CLOSE to adulthood.....to have to start all over again???? Oy. A blessing for sure - I find myself salivating over little babies remembering how my own was at that age - but really it was too painful for us to talk about for too long.

[Christine]

Since it took us 3 years to get pregnant the first time, I didn't feel like we had any control (add in my age, and we felt like if we were going to try, we needed to get on it, pronto). Even if that weren't an issue, I still would have wanted them fairly close together. I'm not a huge fan of the baby stage, so I'd rather get through it to get to the more fun kid stage.

We ended up with a gap of 2 1/2 years. Max definitely didn't understand the concept of "baby" before the arrival. He reacted badly to my hospital stay, which broke my heart into a zillion pieces. But he's getting it now, although he tends to pet the baby like she's one of the dogs.

And to Beth, please take care of yourself. Even though my last pregnancy was on purpose, I still didn't feel as bonded as I did during my first. I spent a lot of last summer irritated at how uncomfortable I was and how difficult it was to do things with my son. I was surprised at how different the two pregnancies were to me emotionally.

[Christine]

Sorry, that read like I think Beth is about to chop fingers off or something. I mean, be gentle with yourself.

[Beth]

Thank you all so, so, so much. I've told only my husband and a few others about this pregnancy so it still feels secret. It feels so good to read your supportive comments -- and has turned a weepy day into something a little more hopeful.

I've been beating myself up about my dark thoughts (hoping to lose the pregnancy)--I was such a happy pregnant girl the first time around. Also, we *do* want to have a second (I am 34, so getting ripe in the fertility sphere). But these thoughts? I can't stop them. When my husband mentions something about the new baby, I think: "What new baby? Oh, well, maybe that will happen." I am trying. At 5 weeks now, I don't really have any symptoms, so it is easy to create this illusion.

I do need time. And, again, I appreciate the support without the judgement. Where do you wonderful people come from?

[kelli]

I'm a SAHM/Freelancer with two kids and a third (surprise!) on the way. The boys are nearly 4 and nearly 2 (24m10d apart -- and each 3 weeks early), and our little girl will be born in December/January which will make her 24+ some weeks younger than her middle brother.

I had a brother who was 22 months younger than me and we got along until high school, weren't very close after that, and now are starting to get back in touch since we both have kids (though we're on opposite coasts). 2 years apart seems normal to me. My husband is the 3rd of 4 with the oldest 10 years older than the youngest -- I think only one was planned (MIL jokes that they were all failures of different forms of birth control -- and we joke back about our third being another failure for the list).

Though the kids' personalities factor in (they're pretty laid back kids) -- I think that's influenced by the parents' personalities. DH and I are pretty laid back and I think that's worked to our advantage.

There was some freaking out with the discovery of #3 pregnancy, but now we're excited to have a girl in the family. I'll probably get less work done -- I work part time doing freelance work while the kids are playing/napping. We're working on a remodel (2 bedrooms and one bath just isn't going to be enough space -- and I need an office with a door!), and now I'll have to find some time to do some minivan shopping, I guess (though we CAN fit 3 carseats in the Prius until the poking starts).

I'm sure it will work out -- and my son's co-op preschool director was OVERJOYED that we will be involved for the next 4-5 years!

[sue]

Mine are 2.5 years apart. i had wanted to have them 3 years apart, since DD has an August birthday and would head straight into preschool, freeing up some mornings for me. But with the help of some fabulous mother's helpers, she was ok, and I got the time I needed to rest and establish breastfeeding (I had PPD and serious troubles breastfeeding dd, which resulting in quitting when she was 2 weeks old - I'm at 8 months and going strong now wih DS). The timing has turned out to be really good for us. DD is kind and generous with her brother, and really enjoys "taking care of him" Of course, she gets mad when he takes her toys (esp now that he's crawling) or gets more attention than she wants him to have, but by and large, she's been fabulous. They play together and give each other kisses. It's about the sweetest thing I've ever seen.

On the other hand, I've had several friends with similar aged kids have babies recently, and they've had a TERRIBLE time. Their older children shake the car seat, scream at the baby, act out in all sorts of ways, and generally wreak havoc all the live long day. So maybe it's a boy-girl thing (both their older kids are boys) or maybe it's just a child personality thing. Or a difference in parenting style. Or karma. Or cosmic rays. I don't know - all I can say is I seem to have gotten lucky, but two friends got *very* unlucky, so it seems to be a crapshoot!

Good luck!

Oh, and Beth, don't feel bad about wishing to have a imscarriage. Getting pregnant really solidified my pro-choice leanings. It's such an intensely overwhelming experience that I was really thrown off balance, despite being financially stable and in a good relationship. I can't imagine what it would be like if I was in a terrible position to have a child. Good luck, and everything will work out in the end.

[Angie Six]

I have 2, just over 5 years apart. I'm pretty new at this two kid thing (DD was 5 in June and DS is 3 months old tomorrow), so my experience is minimal! But here's what I've noticed so far.

Up until DD was 3 I couldn't even fathom having another. I just don't multitask well. Also, my marriage came within inches of falling apart when DD was 5 months old. By the time everything felt stable and okay again, she was already 3. We hemmed and hawed about making a decision, then I got pregnant unexpectedly when DD was 3 1/2. I ended up miscarrying and we were both really sad. From that point on we knew we wanted one more. DH is an only child and both of his parents have passed away. He really hated the thought of DD not having anyone after we were gone. Even if she hated the sibling, at least she'd have someone. I wasn't overly concerned about the age difference, as there are 11 years between me and my next sibling and we all get along well.

Aside from me not multitasking well, we wanted DD to be fairly independant. I wanted her to be in school so that I would have time to devote to the baby, just as I had time just with DD.

The advantages so far: DD is pretty independant, so I'm not having to deal with potty issues, she can choose clothes and dress herself in the morning, and on the really bad days she can prepare her own snacks and get her own drinks. She entertains herself well and is capable of waiting her turn when baby's needs are more pressing (Mind you, I said "capable," though not always willing!). She adores her brother. She is so patient with him and tolerates his screaming in the car without any complaint. She is fabulous at entertaining him, she reads him stories, and he is enthralled with her.

Disadvantages: School is a plus and a minus. It's great when she's there and DS and I can hang out together in peace and quiet. Getting all of us out the door to get DD to school can be hellacious. Baby always wants to nap when we're just about to leave in the morning, or is in the middle of a nap and I have to wake him up to pick DD up. DD is definitely missing the years of full attention she had from us. In the last month we've had a lot of acting out just to get negative attention. Plus I just feel 5 years older, and not in a good way! I don't have nearly the energy I had with DD.

I have no idea how close they'll be as they get older, but I feel like for our family this was the best arrangement. I didn't see a lot of postings with children spaced farther apart. I just wanted to chime in and say that for the most part it's been good for us, and that a lot of the jealousy and resentment that we were worried about from DD hasn't been an issue . . . yet!?!

[Simone]

OK, LOVE that Roseanne quote! Can I just cheat and say "ditto" to Moxie's response? My boys are exactly 3 1/2 years apart, and we chose that spacing for precisely the same reasons as Moxie, with one exception. One additional reason is that *I* really wanted my turn with each baby. I relish the time I can spend snuggling, napping, smelling, etc. with each of my children, and I felt that with my first being older, I would get more of that with my second. I find that he's more preoccupied with his independent life, so that I'm free to enjoy more time with the baby, with less guilt. In other words, if I nap with the baby while big brother's at preschool, I think it's a win-win-win situation, as opposed to someone feeling left out and displaced. I also needed #1 to be more self-sufficient for my own sanity. For example, while some moms want to get all the "baby stuff" done with at once, the thought of two in diapers made me want to scream. I love the fact that I can appreciate the differences in each of my children, and I don't find myself lumping them into the label of "the boys." On the flip side, they are actually starting to play together. (I know, at 7 months and 4 years, it doesn't sound plausible.) But really, you should see my 4 year-old mentor that baby, who is in such a hurry to grow up to follow his big brother. As for what's best for the kids, I am part of a MOMS Club, and nowhere else will you find a greater range of "my way is best." And they are all right.

[SarahD]

Our #2 child is due to be born two weeks after our daughter's 2nd birthday. This was "planned" in the sense that we wanted to space our children relatively close together, for two reasons: 1) we want a big bunch of kids and 2) I'm in my early 30s, so we'd better get cracking. I have no idea if this spacing will turn out to be good or bad, but the bottom line for us is more about wanting our kids to have a bunch of siblings than about perfecting the spacing between them.

[Christi]

Our (accidental) spacing is three years and one month. It was really tough for us in the beginning, but I think that has as much to do with my son's personality as with the actual spacing. He has a lot of trouble navigating transitions and he's very intense. We had a two-week honeymoon period with him, and after that the adjustment was a challenge, to say the least. I mean, he was three! :-) Enough said.

Now, however, they're five and eight; and while they do fight and squabble and pick at each other (sigh) more than I would like...the eight-year-old will read to the five-year-old, and sometimes they'll curl up together watching TV. They really have become each other's cheerleaders and protectors.

So I think my point is that relationships are a process, that even if spacing is presenting some difficult issues at one phase, those may resolve themselves in others.

And I do plan to read Siblings Without Rivalry one of these days...I'm sure it has suggestions that would help us too.

Beth, my heart goes out to you. Please know you always have a sounding board here, and no one will hate you for the miscarriage comment. I completely understand. I would feel the same way if I were to become pregnant with a third. Hang in there. You're in my thoughts.

[O]

Just sending out good thoughts to Beth. We have our two boys, 22 months apart, the 2nd a ginormous surprise after trying for years to have the first. I too felt guilty for impinging on Son 1's babyhood and forcing him to grow up too fast; I still have pangs when I look at the pictures of him taken while I was in the hospital delivering Son 2. (He was with wonderful friends who doted on him, took him to the zoo, talked to him about what was going on...you can't dream a better scenario. But he just still looks so lost in the pictures it breaks my heart.)
Sorry, that's probably not helpful. But all that to say, I too tried not to get "too" excited about the second pregnancy and spent lots of it fretting about its impact on the first child.
But there are advantages to having two small ones at once; the gates go up once; the infrastructure is in place; and you know what works for you (bjorn vs sling, snap&go carseat vs convertible...).
And the second one, for all my fears about not sending it good vibes in the womb (I'm usually not that mooshy but felt very strongly about sending good thoughts to the babies for some strange reason) Son 2 has turned out to be unbelievably laid back and fun, and a great counterpoint to Son 1, who, sadly for him, is a Mini-Me, full of my control freakish issues.
Finally, the weight. I was overweight when I was pregnant with Son 1. I was losing some but was nowhere close to start weight with Son 2. (Another reason, like you, that I was worried about being pregnant again.) Son 2 is just about 2 and I am within 4 lbs now of my Son 1 prepregnancy weight. Somehow it's been easier to lose this time; and I didn't gain nearly as much with the second one.
Peace and blessings to you, Beth, and (mooshyness again) have faith that however it works out it will be for the best.

[Diana]

This post came at a good time for me as well, and I have read nearly all of the comments already left. I have a step daughter who lives with us all but 1 day out of the week (her mother's choice) and she is 6 and in 1st grade. I have a son who turned 2 last month, and I am 3.5 months pregnant. My son was neither planned nor unplanned...I didn't want my step daughter to be too old before having a sibling, and circumstances led to me being off birth control...stew that for a few months and I found myself pregnant. My husband was surprised but then happy, as we had been in many discussions about when we would start trying. Our relationship had been going through a very rough patch this year (to the point of me nearly moving out) and I found out that I was pregnant just after somewhat resolving things. This of course led to accusations of me perhaps planning this to trap him in the marriage, which was certainly not my intention! I agree with a previous poster...this baby is a surprise but not a mistake. I have kept my pregnancy a secret from my family, my job, and even my friends as I come to terms with what is going to happen. My marriage is on very steady ground right now and my husband is even beginning to consider this pregnancy "real." I worry about the 2.5 year age gap as my son is embracing the terrible twos with passion, but I also look forward to the close relationship. It was hard with my step daughter in terms of toys because so many were small and breakable but of course her brother would much prefer to play with her in her room than by himself somewhere else. My husband and I are both only children so I have no experience to fall back on, just hope and expectations...

[hedra]

Beth, my only other thought for you is to keep an eye out for prenatal depression or prenatal OCD (if you have dark thoughts a lot, they don't seem to come 'from you' etc.). Just plain situational depression (from the shock and adjustment) is entirely possible, too. Worth a look-see if it doesn't settle down.

And I'm glad that happy parents of happy onlies stepped in with their comments, too. When I started miscarrying, I had to get comfortable with the idea that an only was possible. What I learned from my compulsive researching was that onlies get the bonus of first and the bonus of last, and with even a little serious effort on their parents' part, very little down side. I happen to personally like having siblings, so that's my bias. But I think we could have done a fabo job of it without siblings, too.

Oh, and keep in mind those who are going for the next child on the verge of menopause, odds of spontaneous fraternal twins go up the closer you get to menopause. Worth knowing, not that it should affect your plans.

[Kay]

My brother and I are 3 days from being exactly 3 years apart (me older). It was great growing up - we were close then - and remain close (Me 37, him 34)

My kids are 3 years, 1 month apart. They get along great. My son (5) takes care of his sister (2) and dotes on her - they are at the same daycare so he can watch out for her all day. I hope they stay close.

Son potty trained before daughter was born, so only 1 in diapers at a time. Never had to buy a double stroller.

FWIW, my mom was SAH until my brother and I were both in school. I work full time and kids were both in daycare from early ages. My own experience shaped my view on spacing far more than any economics or work situation.

I have a friend who has 8 kids - the oldest is 8. She's a SAH mom. Her mom had 6 kids (would have had 11 except for the miscarriages). I think families do what works for them. or what just happens naturally.

Regardless, you will get the kids you get, when they come. And you will parent them. And you will be okay. And they will be okay.

[Tibi]

I really feel passionately about this--probably because I have an acquaintance who constantly tells me that waiting more than 2 years to have a second child is *wrong*. Ooookay.

Here's my stats: My only brother (sibling) is 9 1/2 years older than me. There weren't any still births or miscarriages in there... And yes, we were both planned, thank you very much. My parents always meant to have a second child, it just took them a long time to get around to it. :) Bro and I are now very close friends, and his wife and I are even closer. Sometimes I think closer than she is with any of her other (many) siblings.

Maybe 9 1/2 years is extreme, but I always felt like it worked, you know? We both had the benefit of the attention of "onlies", yet we had a sibling to knock us down when our heads got too big. I also remember us playing together quite a bit. I think this has to do with my brother never really growing up. :) Having a little sister gave him an excuse to still play with toy cars and make sandcastles right when he got to that age where stuff like that wasn't "cool".

We'll start thinking about having another child when my daughter goes off to school. I like the idea of giving each child a large amount of time where I'm "theirs". Lately I've been having nightmares that I'm pregnant again (my daughter is nearly one year old now), and really, the very thought terrifies me. And not only because I really, really miss regular sleep patterns! :) But also because I feel like I'd be stealing something from my daughter--like I'd be pushing her into growing up too fast.

BTW, just for the record, I'm a SAHM and so was my mother. Also, has anyone read The Birth Order Book by Kevin Leman? There's some (a lot of) broad generalizations there, but an interesting read.

[anna]

Beth, for what it's worth, I have a 19 month old, and am 12 weeks pregnant. Even though v 2.0 is very much hoped for and wanted, I don't feel nearly as connected to this pregnancy as with my older child. Maybe because it's not as novel, or because we're busy with a toddler, but I don't think about him/ her as much, I don't look down at my belly and feel all gushy, etc.

And Mary Joan? "If I were only having 2 kids and had a challenging career I loved, I would try to space them 2 years apart." Thank you. Even though it's still no guarantee that the kids will get along, which is our main worry, this is so reassuring.