Reader call: Is there a best time to have a second child?

We've kind of talked about this previously, but not with as many commenters. I'm hoping everyone will just jump in with their own data points of experience.

Susan writes:

"Talking with my mama friends, one thinks that maybe she is pregnant again (accidentally) and she would feel badly for her 18 month old if she was pregnant because he is still so little and she'd planned to wait until he was school-aged so that both kids could have her focus when they were very young.

Personally, I think it would be better for myself, my husband and our 18 month old boy to wait until he is around 3 before adding another because of our quality of life and having the older child mature enough to understand his new sibling and be helpful etc, and away at at least half-days somewhere.

I'm just wondering if there have been any studies done on if there is a 'best time' for a child to gain a baby sibling and for a family's quality of life, and if the readers want to weigh in and we can do our own study.

Maybe there's no magic time to introduce Child #2, but if there is, it sure would be interesting to hear about!"

The premise is that you actually get to choose the spacing of your kids, which we all know isn't applicable to many of us. But, assuming that you could choose, what does your experience tell you are the pros and cons of different ages?

Personally, I think any age separation could be perfect or bad, depending on how many resources you have (of all types) when the kids are little, how you treat them, and what your priorities are. Everyone knows kids X years apart who are best friends, and kids X years apart who hate each other. Parents who loved the kids at a certain spacing and others who wish their kids weren't spaced at that distance.

So when we're offering our experience, let's talk about what our priorities were for the sibling relationship, whether we think the spacing achieved those goals, and what could have been different.

I'll start. My boys are 3 years and 2 months apart. For me it was important that my older one have his full "turn" to be The Baby, and he was definitely a big boy by the time the second one came. But I also wanted them to be close enough to play together, and to have some time home together before the older one had to be in school all day. Those things my priorities for the sibling relationship, and I think that spacing achieved those two goals.

My older one went to preschool a few days a week when the little one was 4 months old. It was good, in that he had that fun activity and it gave me alone time with the baby. But the logistical challenge of getting to and from school and trying to deal with the baby's nap at the same time made it kind of nasty some days.

My parenting goal continues to be encouraging them to be kind to each other and to work out problems between the two of them. I want them to be able to negotiate with each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt. I am not sure it that would have been as easy if they had been closer together. I suspect that if they'd been spaced more closely (under 2 years) I might not have had the emotional resources to be able to help them navigate their relationship. But who knows? It might have come together even faster than it did.

OK, everyone. Jump in. What were your priorities for the sibling relationship, and do you think your spacing achieved those? Let's pretend for a minute that the world is fair and everyone can space their kids and afford to have as many as they want.

Comments

[Jan]

I think there are advantages and disadvantages to every age separation.

Mine are 18ish months apart (also a surprise**) and here's what I can say about that.

Advantage: the older they get, the more I can see they will be great playmates.

Disadvantage: there's a lot of fighting over toys -- the older can remember what used to be hers, for example

Advantage: I never got a diaper-free period in there, which I just think would be incredibly hard to give up.

Disadvantage: Two in diapers at a time -- we do cloth, so this meant LOTS of laundry.

Advantage: I think parenting a three year old resembles a barefoot skip into the fiery gates of hell, so the idea of having an infant right then (3 years seems like a lot of people's idea of the magical, right time) is not appealing.

Disadvantage: Right now (one is 3 1/2, one almost 2) we're paying for all-day care for both and it is hideously expensive -- if they'd been further apart, we'd get one in school sooner.

I think you do what works for you. I'd take the circumstances of the rest of your life, your personality, into account and do (try for) what seems like the right thing.

** Maybe I've shared my favorite 'oops baby' anecdote before. It's from the 80s TV show Roseanne. DJ's loving older sister has just informed him that he was an 'accident'.

DJ: Mom, was I an accident?
*pause*
Roseanne: No, DJ, you were a surprise.
*pause*
DJ: Mom, what's the difference between an accident and a surprise?
Roseanne (with a hug): The difference, DJ, is that with an accident, you wouldn't do it again if you could choose.

[Mary Joan]

I have 4 grown daughters--34, 32, 29, 25. The oldest two are 26 months apart; the 2nd and 3rd are 3 years 4 months apart; the 3rd and 4th are exactly 3 1/2 years apart. I was able to get pregnant when I planned to. Circumstances shaped the planning for the 3rd and 4th. We lived in Manhattan when the first 3 were young; I could not imagine carrying 3 sleeping children off the bus. My husband wasn't interested in a 4th until we impulsively moved to Maine for 2 years. By and large, I am happy with how it has all turned out.

Every mother I knew has at one point decided she spaced her kids wrong; if she had done it better, they wouldn't squabble so much. My 3rd always complained that she wasn't 2 years younger than the 2nd, instead of 3, as the older two pushed her down to the level of the youngest. Three years apart is easier when they are young, but they always are in different stages. The first two fought more, but shared more, so 2 years might be better in the long run as they tend to be interested in the same things, go to the same school, etc. The first two were terrific with the third one; the fourth enjoyed 3 loving big sisters.

Except for some occasional free-lance-editing, I stayed home full-time until the youngest was 6. I had the hardest time with 3 young children in Manhattan, having to take the winter baby out 3 times in any weather to bring her sisters to and from school. The 4th was challenging because their grandparents were 450 miles
away. I had to get used to living in a house with 2 stories and driving a car.

If I were only having 2 kids and had a challenging career I loved, I would try to space them 2 years apart.

[flea]

My priority for child spacing was to have them far enough apart that I wouldn't go crazy, but close enough together that they would be close. I also wanted the option of having a 3rd child, so I had to consider my increasing age. My siblings and I are spaced at 3 years, and so are my husband and his sister, so that was sort of a default assumption for us. We tried for that and got 2 years 11 months between Daughter and Son.

So far, in terms of their relationship (now 15 months and 4) they clearly love each other but don't play much together or do much together. Part of this I think is due to the fact that we both WOH full-time, so they are in day care/school. But right now if I had to characterize their interactions as a whole I would say, "Baby brother gets into sister's stuff, causes grief." Sometimes they play chase and giggle like mad, but not as much as I had hoped. I hope as the baby grows older and is more communicative they will do more together. I wonder if they were closer in age - or the same gender maybe? - they would already be closer. I don't mean to imply that they don't like each other; I just feel that they don't have much in common yet.

We haven't decided for sure on a 3rd child yet, but due to various practical considerations (job, PhD program) there would probably be at least a 3 year spacing there too. We might be in a position where I would be home at least part time at that point, which would make things totally different.

I've said this before, but I see a division between WOH mothers and SAH mothers (and in one SAHD case I know) in child spacing. WOH moms space 3 years +; SAH space closer (18 months - 2 years). Obviously there are exceptions, but this trend has been visible to me. I think this is basically economic. Child care is costly, so WOH parents space it out, and also they fear being pulled in too many directions so want the older child to be more independent; SAH parents who plan to return to the workforce when their kids are older are more likely to just get the chaos of infancy over with as fast as possible.

[Beth]

God. I can't believe this is the topic for today. I was on the verge of writing Moxie with a "help, I am pregnant again and freaking out" title.

My first baby is now 11 months and just two days ago I found out I was pregnant when getting an ultrasound for pelvic pain (not the tumor I was fearing). I am scared to death.

I am in a PhD program (first semester), finally finding my groove with baby number 1 (who is still nursing increasingly tender breasts) who is just now sleeping through the night. We've finally amasseed some money - enough to fly to another continent for the holidays (my husband is from a far-away-land) and pay monthly expenses.

Other issues: husband is in school also, we are living with my family communal-style and I haven't lost a POUND of the 60 pounds I gained the first time around. I don't think I am healthy enough to be pregnant again. I don't feel *connected* to this pregnancy the way I did the first time.

I love my son, my husband and myself, but suddenly the world has turned upside down and I find myself hoping for a miscarriage. Please don't hate me for writing that.

Any insights would be appreciated.

[Mrs. Ewer]

What's Going On In There? How The Mind And Brain Develop During The First Five Years Of Life presents evidence that child-spacing has a dramatic effect on IQ.

I don't have the book in front of me, but here are the basics:

A child born 9 months after an older sibling will have about 6 fewer IQ points than the older sibling. There's a sharp rise thereafter, so a second child born when the first is 21-33 months old will have an IQ just 2 points lower. After that, there's another dip in IQ around 2.5 years. A second-born's IQ only rises to the level of a firstborn if they are 7 or more years apart.

Similarly, twins have IQs that are about 4 points lower (on average) than first-born singletons. And there's a clear drop-off in average IQ for each subsequent child, though the difference between #1 and #2 is the largest. There's much more in the book.

[Beth]

Like the other Beth, I'm amazed that this is the topic for today. My husband and I were just discussing this last night. We have a delightful 6 month old and would like a second child (maybe even a third if hubbie gets his way!). Right now, we are thinking that a 2 year gap would be good to aim for.
So, I have no advice but am very eager to read all the responses.
I LOVE this blog! Thank you Moxie.
Oh - and no one will hate you for writing that you find yourself hoping for a miscarriage, Beth. Blessings to you - somehow it will be okay.

[julie]

I only have one, but am planning to have another one when A is about 3.5 or 4. I'm leaning more toward 4 (as if we could plan it perfectly.......) mostly b/c I know 3.5 is hell. For us, it's a decision about what is best for our marriage first and foremost. We know that x number of years between sibs gurarantees nothing. Like the sleep question from yesterday, it's not a puzzle that has a solution if you spend enough time noodling it out.

I think also it's a question of whether you want it easier now or later (again, as if you could control anything about this). My brother and I are 18 months apart, and my mom (and girlfriends who have kids that close together) say the first 2 years are hell. After that, it's a lot easier. They entertain each other and tend to share interests. I also have friends who say 4 is the magic number for them - because easier now. Oldest is in school part time, mature enough to understand what being a big sib requires, is able to help and share better than a 24 m/o. But probably harder later because you spend a lot of time explaining to #2 why #1 doesn't want them around and balancing kids whose interests are light years apart.

But for us, the decision to wait is less about the kids and any possible type of relationship they may - or may not - have, and more about us and the relationship we need to maintain in order to be happy together. Having one 2 year old is hard. We're not always on the same page. My husband doesn't have the patience to read all the books, or even listen to me when I tell him what the books say. He's the kind of guy who has to figure it out on his own. And, being a man, has a harder time multi-tasking. Two kids too close together would probably cause his brain to explode. The tension and stress would murder us.

So for us, it's about us. The kids will find a relationship that works for them if we do the work required of us to make our relationship work.

[Michelle]

Well I will start by saying we had always planned on having more than one child (I was an only child and hated it) and we wanted to have them "close" together. But, when I figured out I was pregnant when my first-born was only 7 MONTHS old...I was happy, shocked, scared, excited and mad all at the same time.

We had always intended to have them about 2-3 years apart. I wanted them to be close enough to share the same interests and toys, and so I could maybe be home with them more while they were young. But life had its own plans, and after I got over the initial shock and the incredulous reactions of my friends (one actually said "oh no!") I grew to see all the benefits of having "Irish twins".

Now that I have a 19 month old son and a 4 month old daughter I will say this: my priority for their sibling relationship is raising them with respect for each other while still maintaining a sense of individuality. My husband and his sister were only 10 months apart (yes, you read that right) and they were treated totally differently by their parents. My husband was the "smart, athletic one" and his sister was the "silly, chubby one". And guess what? My husband is successful and has a great sense of himself and his sister has struggled with self-esteem and weight issues her entire adulthood.

So aside from keeping myself sane, I am committed to fostering their individuality and confidence apart from one another, and of course trying to do what I can to encourage them to be friends more often than enemies.

I do plan on reading Siblings Without Rivalry (its on the list after I finish Brain, Child's Greatest Hits).

We are still undecided on whether to have more children...I would have 4 if we could afford it but I have yet to figure out who to bill for mothering services. We are definitely waiting a couple of years (actively preventing another pregnancy this time!).

Great topic.

[hedra]

Great quote!

*priorities for the sibling relationship: That the siblings be able to develop a solid, (hoefully loving), functional relationship with mutual support and complete human function AS ADULTS (regardless of the bumps along the way of growing up); that they have at grounding in affection for each other even in the phases where they don't LIKE each other; that I am not always the referee in their relationships; that I am not the PROBLEM in their relationships (not asking for much, am I?) ;)

*whether we think the spacing achieved those goals: The spacing didn't necessarily harm those goals, but the PARENTING is far more important to the process. (We were definitely trying to avoid the 18-months to 2 1/2-years age difference, very challenging to support both that age and an infant at once without letting somebody's ball drop, IMHO - not that it can't be done well, I just don't feel I have the skills to do it well, and doing it really badly at that point may have longer-term consequences, if the ancient research I learned in college was at all correct.)

I never wanted less than that gap, personally, and I never wanted more than 3 1/2 or so years. So, of course, with four kids I got 4 years, 3 years, and 5 minutes of gap. One longer than 'planned', one 'just what I wanted', and one set of twins.

I've found that they all work. They just each take different techniques, and I'm sure that personalities also take different techniques, and that family styles also play into that as well. The oldest is adored by all three younger. They pester him, but he loves them absolutely anyway and isn't shy about saying so. The middle is adored by the older and younger sibs as well. And the youngest two are adored by their older siblings. The twins alternately love and intensely pester each other, but they're three, that's what three is all about.

I could not ask for a better relationship between the sibs. It works. And it works not because of the age gaps, but because of the personalities we got by luck, and (perhaps) because we keep our focus on the goal of having them learn to manage their relationships themselves so that they'll have the skills to carry that on as adults. Yeah, your brother is a pest, he's five, it's just his age, he won't be five forever! We blow it regularly, and have to scramble to repair bad situations we've set up accidentally, but there's time, and the baseline is still mutual adoration. Granted, we also lucked out on personalities in sequence. Or maybe we're just used to it, and like it the way it is for no better reason than that.

*and what could have been different. I guess for me this isn't a relevant question. No matter what age gap we got, we'd have coped and adapted and taken the best we could from it, and so forth. Take what you've got and just learn and enjoy it. Read Siblings Without Rivalry (or whatever book seems to work for you - actually The Art of Parenting Twins had a lot of REALLY useful advice for the two who are 4 years apart - ideas I found nowhere else!), and teach them to handle their own relationships. Ya can't make them love each other, can't even make them like each other, but can teach them to relate respectfully and responsibly to each other. No matter what the gap, personality, etc. :shrug:

So I'll vote with the 'take what happens, and do your best with it' and/or 'set up what you *think* you'll enjoy most and regret least, and then take what actually happens and do your best with it'. I'm big on family planning, but planning doesn't always work out as planned.

[G's momma]

I really think it depends on your children's personalities. My sister and I are 28 months apart and we haven't gotten along at any point. My brother is 4 years younger than me (born 1 day after my 4th birthday) and he and I have always gotten along pretty well. He also gets along decently with my sister. I was my mom's little helper when my brother was an infant but I could have just as easily been screaming about not being the baby and trying to smother him every time my mother left the room.

The fact is that there are some people in life that you are not going to get along with no matter how close or far apart in age you are and there are some people that you will be best friends with. I really think how the relationship between the two children is fostered has a lot more to do with it than how close together in age they are.

My daughter is 1 (as of yesterday) and we are not planning on trying for another child until she is out of diapers. Basically, my only reasoning is because that is when I think I can handle it. I figure she will only be able to handle it when I can handle it. If I should happen to feel more confident in my abilities earlier, we will probably have another child sooner just so that we have more time to have a third and a fourth if we decide to go big. :)

[Shandra]

Beth, just had to respond. I would have been scared to death too. You sound very intelligent and capable and you and your husband will find a solution, whatever that is. I bet the 60lbs is not as big an issue as you fear but that would be a good question for your OB (how to proceed to keep everyone safe). Wish I could deliver tea. :)

[Deanna]

I don't have kids, just anecdotes from my mom's family. FWIW, my mother is the oldest of five kids--one girl, four boys. She and the brother closest in age are spaced eleven months apart. Do the math on that one. *shudder* There are two and a half years between her and the third child, and four years between her and the fourth. The fifth was planned and born when my mother was ten, so there is a six-year difference between four and five. My grandmother always said her biggest regret was not having a sixth child right after number five, because he felt abandoned by his older siblings as they had all left home for good by the time he was 12. So, no real help here, just the thought that there's never a "good" or "bad" time to do it, but getting pregnant when your first is two months old might be pushing the bounds of sanity. :)

[hedra]

Oh, and Mrs. Ewer's info on IQ is supported - HOWEVER, keep in mind that gaps under I think 12 points are not statistically significant (and the majority of all sibling sets fall within 13 points of one-another for the full set of sibs from one set of parents), and these also don't take into account other 'intelligences' - for example, twins have much higher measures of empathy at a vastly earlier age, develop cooperative play sooner, etc. So there are trade-offs there as well. It counts to me as 'interesting' rather than 'useful' information (speaking as child 6 of 7, who always thought she was an IDIOT because she was a whole 6 points of IQ below her third older sibling...).

[Jean]

My brother and I are 3yrs apart, so that was what I always thought was "right." M and C are 2 days shy of 2yrs 11 months apart. Just worked out that way, because I got pg a lot faster than I thought I would the second time.

M was out of diapers and used to it enough that she never relapsed after C was born. She was old enough and independent enough that she could play on her own while C was nursing or during those awful months where I was only getting 2 hrs of sleep cumulative, in half hr increments. She and I had good times just us during C's morning nap time. And she started preschool just as C was giving up morning naps (late fall birthdays).

Now she has her school time, and C and I have our time then. When she gets home, they are so happy to see each other. They do play together an awful lot, but there are times when M wants to be on her own. Separating the toys that are safe for him and not safe for him was a bit challenging, but it's do-able. He's already interested in sitting on the toilet and trying to go (since before he was 2) because he sees her do it.

In the very awful beginning, with reflux and no sleep, I don't think I could have managed it if she was younger and more needy. But that was just our situation, and no one knows what they're going to get ahead of time. But 3yrs has worked out really well for us.

[Raia]

This is such an individual thing. I don't think it's possible to control -- though you can influence -- whether your kids will be great friends or not even get along at all. I think that is mostly a result of personalities, rather than spacing. Though again, parents can influence the ultimate result. If it were up to me, I would have had big spaces (5-6 years) between kids, but that comes from personal experience of having my bro who is 6 years older as my closest sibling and seeing how the oldest two bros (11 months apart) don't really care for each other. I think big spaces discourage competition, the older child can understand and articulate what's going on when the younger arrives, and the parents have time to give each infant a lot of attention. However, due to years of infertility, turns out my first 2 will have a gap measured in minutes instead of years and I'm sure that will be fine, too.

[Shandra]

On the planning issue... I just can't plan, really. My husband and I originally planned to have kids in my late 20s; 7 miscarriages/chemical pregnancies later we sort of gave up tracking anything for a while to think about what to do next. At 34 I had an unexpected (we hadn't used birth control or looked closely at a calendar in *4* years) but highly anticipated daughter who then died. After that experience we knew we wanted children... a child... anything... but figured we'd sort of missed out on our one shot.

But no, a year and a half later, we had my hale and hearty son. Still not really sure when he was conceived actually, although the first ultrasound tried to give us a date... but the date was when we were in different cities. Fortunately he looks a lot like his dad. (Hee hee)

Now we are playing the game again though and using birth control... sort of... mostly. Probably in six months we will stop and see what happens. The kid(s?) will simply have to cope with the resulting tiny effects on their IQs and personalities and toy collections. :)

Sorry to mess with all you planners out there.

[Dawn]

Beth, I found myself pregnant with my second child when my first was only 5 months old. I went in to my OB just to confirm and afterward sat in my car and had a good cry before heading to work. I know how you feel.

My two are 2 weeks shy of being 15 months apart. It hasn't been bad, actually most of it has been wonderful. My first was a good baby but she needed to be held 24/7 and didn't begin to nap or sleep very well until she was 6 months old so my biggest fear was having to live through that again while taking care of an 18 month old. Second baby turned out to be the easiest baby ever so I lucked out. We're still juggling like mad but they already seem enamored of each other so I'm hoping they will bond and be in the best of friends camp. I wouldn't have chosen it this way but since I don't know anything else it seems fine to me.

[Michelle]

Oh and Beth - I do not hate you at all for writing that. Thank goodness pregnancy tkaes nine months - I needed that long to be "ready" for #2. Give yourself some time to get over the initial shock and you will be amazed how life works itself out.

When I found out I was pg with #2 I was a full-time WOHM who thought we could never afford for me to stay home - but we couldn't afford two in full-time child care either. But over time and some creative accounting we have managed to make me a part-time WAHM.

Keep yourself rested (congrats on #1 sleeping through!) and don't judge yourself for not being elated just yet...do what you can to tackle concrete problems (finances, child care, weight, etc) and you will find you can, and will, be more excited everyday to meet #2.

[pnuts mama]

wow-- i was totally going to write to you and ask if you remember how you felt when you were pg with elP with regard to elC- i've been feeling so bad for pnut, thinking, this poor kids world is so going to be rocked, going from being an only to having to share our attention with a sibling. also wondering how i'll ever be able to feel the way i do about the bean the way i do about the pnut (figured i'd stick w/ a legume theme). and how i'll ever get used to doing the whole newborn thing with a 3 year old. bleh.

*anyway* here are my data points:
my sister and i are 5.5 years apart (she's older) and it was HORRIBLE growing up- i always wanted to do what she did, and she was so used to being the only for so long that she really resented when i came along, and we fought like crazy until i was in high school, then we became close. we're still close but have all sorts of normal sibling issues as adults.

my husband is the youngest of four, and his oldest brother (whom he has always been closest with) is 8 years older, then 5yrs older, then 19 months older. he got along worst with the second born, and fought like crazy and had all sorts of jealousy/rivalry with the closest in age one. my husband was surprise, both in being expected and in being another boy. i'm grateful for both!

my two sets of nephews- one set is spaced 5 years apart, and their mom was glad to have baby/toddler time with all of them, but they don't necessarily have it easy finding common ground playing together, they fight a lot, b/c it's hard to do something together developmentally. etc.

my other set of nephews are eldest 6 years older, then 18 months. the oldest gets saddled with a lot of the responsibility of taking care of the little guys, and he has less of a sibling relationship than caregiver with them. the two little ones couldn't be less alike, in personality and interests, and all they do is fight, and torment each other (and the eldest). they are 5 and 6, so so far it hasn't gotten easier with age.

i guess i think it really has to do with each child's personality as much as it does spacing, you KWIM? the issues i've listed have much more to do with personality than spacing, i think. ultimately i think the gift of sibling-hood wins out in the long run. all throughout life you'll have issues depending on phases, but when it counts, you have your siblings to rely on. i always wanted to have more siblings like my friends, and want that for my kids as well. i know the reality often is different from the dream, but, we'll try our best.

personally, i wasn't at all ready to consider another baby until pnut was over a year, and i always pictured myself with a bunch of kids. the reality of having a baby blew that all out of the water for me. i am a SAHM, as well as student and do a little part time work, and emotionally, it was very overwhelming for me. i'm trying to do my dissertation (oh, hahaha) so we tried to wait a while, and then decided we didn't want too far of a space between them. also, if it's another girl, she'll be able to wear all the stuff pnut has being born around the same time of year, which would be awesome.

originally i planned on a 2 year gap, but i'm hoping just less than 3 years works out as well as can be expected. i'm really loving this phase, and am not super excited to do the whole baby bootcamp thing again. i've gotten used to sleeping! and not being tied to my boob. oh well. we journey forward.

[Kate]

I was saved the whole debate of "best spacing" by an unexpected pregnancy. (I would have obsessed over this to no end.)

My kids are now 18 months and 3y4m. It is nice that only one is in diapers now--but now I think it would be harder for everyone to use the potty and then go back to years of diapers from scratch.

I have not, however, slept through the night since before I was pregnant the first time. (Watch out, I bite.)

It has its good days and bad days, but I really feel like so much depends on everyone's personality (kids and parents), which of course is different for everyone and impossible to control for the new members of the family :-)

I really felt like I was going to be cheating my daughter out of her toddlerhood, but there is at least one moment every day (like now when she "reads" books to her little brother--and he sits attentively) when I absolutely feel like the gift of each other makes up for all the hard and rotten parts.

And hugs to Beth. I was a basket case for my entire second pregnancy and had very dark thoughts on a regular basis. We have, thankfully, worked it out. And I will probably spoil my son for his entire life to make up for the seven months in utero when I "didn't want" him (just at that point in our family's life--we did want a sibling for our daughter at some point). Sometimes the unexpected, while scary as hell, can be worth it in the end.

[julie]

congrats pnuts mama.....I've been wondering about you!!!! Ah the wonderful journey ahead.

[hedra]

Beth, I didn't feel connected to the next pregnancy(ies) as much as I did the first time, either, or not right off.

And I was way heavier with my second pregnancy than my first (and there was a four year gap!).

And the biggest problem I see with wishing the pregnancy away is if you do miscarry, having done so can eat at you, and if you don't, you'll wonder any time things aren't 'right' if you somehow caused it. Neither is true, but humans are nuts like that. Don't worry what anyone else thinks - you and yours are the ones who count in this.

Take some time to get over the shock. I pretty much had a panic attack that lasted two weeks (maybe three?) after I found out I was having twins. We'd JUST got our finances worked out, our careers on track, decided we could manage one more child, and got spontaneous twins. SURPRISE! AHHHHHHH! I definitely wanted to just run away from the whole idea at times, until I finally adjusted (with the help of a hypnotherapist, actually!). Hang in there. My neices are only 12-ish months apart, and in college - eventually, the panic phase will be in the distant past.

[Bobbi]

I have 4 kids. The gaps from oldest to youngest are 23 months, 4 years and 18.5 months. I have to agree with Hedra - you go with what you are given. A lot depends on your kid's personality, which is why any parenting "rules" have so many exceptions. I personally found the 4 year gap the easiest - my 4 year old was not jealous and a huge helper. But had that been between the first 2 (where the 4 year old was the "only" for that entire time) it may have been incredibly different. For what it's worth, I say go for it. However "it" is defined for you. It'll all work itself out later....

Good luck!

[Noel]

My brother and I are 7 years apart. We were treated very differently, and that is why we've never had much of a relationship (dysfunctional, alcoholic, neglecting family thrown in too). But I could see the huge advantages to my mom; I was quite the mother's helper. Plus I could do a lot for myself. My husband: older brother(15 months) and younger brother(4 years). He didn't get along with the older brother then or now. Younger brother has autism and communication problems. The older anxiety, panic, and just seems to hate humanity.

We have a 15 month old son. My husband and I are older (he 45, me 38 and I teach community college English with a fairly flexible schedule). And to top it off, we feel like we are just now climbing out of the sleep deficit hole of our son's first year. [Note here: Thanks to this blog, discovered only 2 weeks ago! My son's sleep problems were so numerous, and not covered at all in the 8 books I read, that I was despondent. But I can see that others have lived through 12 months of hourly wakings - we're down to 3 or 4! Too much to get into right now - will save for another time.]

My son is very social, and I doubt he'll lack for friends in his life, so I'd like to put in a plug for the only child.

[Awesome Mom]

Mine are 21 months apart. We planned it because my eldest was supposed to have a heart surgery when he was three. I wanted my kids close but I also did not want to have an under one baby while was living in the hospital with my eldest. It ended up that the surgery was moved up but everything turned out well with both kids.

It is great seeing them play together and being able to clean a nearby room with them playing together. I would not change the spacing at all. We do cloth diapers and it is a lot of laundry but they are both in similar sizes of diapers so it is easy to keep track of everything. It is also nice that they like the same kinds of toys now so that I do not have to keep different toys for each kid.

[Mary]

I have three, boy, girl, boy and the boys are 5 years apart with my daughter at the midpoint, so 2 1/2 years apart each. This was by nature as I had a miscarriage between each. Had I carried those babies, they would be 2 years apart.

The first few months with each baby were tough, as the toddler wasn't potty trained and still needed a lot of attention. But now that they are 7, 4 1/2 and 2, I love it. The 7 year old is very independent and is a great help with the younger two. My middle child can happily play up or down. My youngest adores his siblings and wants to do everything they do.

I don't think there's a magical age difference. I'm an older mom (38 now), so it was more important to us that we have all the children we want before either of us got too old.

[stacy]

My husband and his brother are 4 years apart. As a result, hubby thinks that's the "ideal," and he's reluctant to believe that any other spacing will work.

But I'd really like to have a sibling for Bean around the time he's 2. Even though it means 2 in diapers at once and all that. Why? I guess I feel like every year I drag out the SAHM gig is another strike against me with future employers, and another year we don't save as much money for retirement as we'd like.

In the perfect world where none of this matters, I'd probably agree to my husband's 4 year plan. My own brothers are 4 years apart, too, and that worked out very well for my mother. Plus, it would give me enough time to get Bean fully weaned *and* lose some damn weight before TTC. (I want to throttle all the people who told me breastfeeding would help me lose the pregnancy weight; if anything, it's made weight loss much harder. Ugh.)

[z]

Oh the timeliness of this post. I just entered my second trimester and have a 13+ month old panda. So by the time 2.0 arrives, panda will be between 19 and 20 months. When I first realized that I was pregnant I went back and looked at the reader call on child spacing post and came to the realization (as expressed above also) that there is nothing that is perfect in that either way introducing a 2nd kid is tough. I think unless the first child is extremely independent and around 6 or 7 years old any spacing has its own set of issues. Though in my ideal world I think aroud 2 years would be good so I guess I am not too far off.

I agree that a lot of parenting will have to do with chidlren's personalities. My panda is a really good baby/toddler and has always been except in terms of sleeping. When he was younger nursing was a hassle to because he would be easily distracted and not take a bottle and so I would stress a lot but now with solids that stress has gone pretty much. But the sleep yes, I have not had a solid nights sleep in so long and frankly at this point I figure if I am up with one kid, might as well be 2. Changing one diaper might as well change 2. I am hoping that the 2nd one will be relatively easy also but we will see.

My priorities echo Michelle's sentiment of raising them with respect for their individual personalities. I hated the comparisons made between me and my siblings growing up and knowing how long it took me to get over my issues with that I definitely do not want to pass that on to my children. My goal is to read Siblings without Rivalry over the holidays.

Beth- while I wasn't hoping for a miscarriage, I was definitely upset a lot of days. I just lacked the energy for doing anything but it's not possible to that when there is already a baby who needs you. I would just say hang in there and rest and take care of yourself as much as possible. I definitely feel that this pregnancy I am not as healthy as my last one because I am not devoting my time to watching what I eat and drink. I have definitely drank more caffeine during this pregnancy already than I did in the first one.

I guess the only other thing I can add is that I am glad that I have a husband who is an actively involved father and is up to the task of raising two babies. I know that without him I would be freaking out a lot more. Oh and in an ideal world I think I would have 2 kids and then maybe adopt a 3rd child when the kids were school age and if we could afford it financially.

[Ellie]

I think a lot of it might have to do with what you yourself grew up with. My brother is 2 years (25 months) younger than me, and my cousins are all 2 years apart, as were many of my friends growing up...so I just figured that was typical child spacing. It still seems typical to me. I'm pregnant now with my second, who will be 22-23 months younger than my first. The pregnancy was a bit of a surprise but very wanted. I have to say, though, that at this point I'm thinking we'll wait longer before another child. I'm still night nursing my 15-month-old (and it hurts like heck at this point in my pregnancy), and just in general he seems so young. I do have a bit of guilt for bumping him off of the one-and-only spot. I think in the long run it will be for the best, but it is overwhelming at the moment.

I really do believe that any spacing can work out just fine. And I agree with a previous commenter that a lot has to do with individual personalities of the kids involved. I think in a way these things can't ever be planned perfectly.

[Amy]

Mine are 21-months apart. I was going for more like 3 years apart, but, I did 8 months of Clomid to get pregnant the first time, so, when DD turned one we stopped using birth control figuring we'd have to try for at least a year. Not so much, I got pregnant the first month, and, my son was born a month early. I love it! It was hard when they were both little, but, my daughter was very mature, ahead developmentally, and I didn't feel like she was robbed of her babyhood. My hope for their relationship was that they be close friends, able to get along well, but, also able to play alone and self-entertain (my younger sister could never do that, still can't at 30 years old). :)

My daughter just turned 5 last month and my son was 3 in June, so far, things are still going well, they get along, and although the cost of full-time daycare for 2 sucks, they will also go to school just 1 year apart, so, I'm just trying to suck it up financially until that happens.

I'm also trying to talk hubby into one more, but not until my daughter starts Kindergarten.

[Jan]

Beth, I just have to write and tell you that I was in almost your exact position. I'm old enough that I felt like if we wanted more (and we did), we should do it soon-ish, but my husband had just unequivocally told me that he was NOT ready for another one yet and I had started really celebrating that when I found out I was pregnant. Old older was 10.5 months.

In some ways it made pregnancy easier to not feel very connected. I had miscarriages before my first so I worried a lot. With the second, I was (and I cringe writing this, but it's honest and you need to know you're not alone) sort of 'eh, if it happens, it happens' about it. I hadn't lost all my baby weight (and I was heavy before I got pregnant) and I wound up with GDM, but we coped.

It was a very different experience for me. I was head over heels in love with my first from the moment she was born (actually there was a specific moment in the labor room when my heart 'grew three sizes', to quote the Grinch). My love for my second has continued to sneak up on me and I find that as he approaches 2, I still love him a little bit more each day, in spite of the challenges his behavior present.

Cheesy internet hugs to you, with hopes that you can forgive yourself for feeling the way you feel. If it would help to have a one-on-one (yet still anonymous -- you gotta love the interwebs) 'conversation' with someone who's been there and come out the other side, please feel free to email me.

P.S. pnuts mama, I was just going to run back through the old comments to see if you'd posted a yea or a nay. Congratulations!

[paola]

Amongst my friends here in Italy, I have the most children ( 2) and most of my friends are just getting started and either have none or one, so I often get asked the same question as Susan is asking. Here in Italy, most people wait until the first is at kinder, so 3- 3.5 years old, as grandparents tend to raise their son's/daughter's kids and obviously they prefer to do one at a time. Mine have 24 months ( I have a 10 month old and a 2year 10 month old) between them and as I was nearing 40 I didn't have much of a choice as to how far/close they needed to be in age. Either I had the second one soon, or never. That said, I usually answer that when the first starts to get regular with sleep, you can handle an addition, well that's what I found anyway. We were lucky to have had a great sleeper first time round who had regular sleep times that you can work round. Baby 2 fit right in without too much trouble.

[elisabeth]

My brother and I are three years and two months apart, and that feels about right, so it's what I plan to aim for. (My daughter is only 4.5 months now.) My mom liked not having two in diapers, and that I was old enough to play on my own for a little bit. We got along really well as kids --- close enough in age to play, not so close we always wanted the other's stuff. We aren't especially friendly as adults, which I sometimes feel bad about and sometimes not.

I'm afraid of anything less than 2.5 years. I had a hard time being pregnant, and I'm not sure I could do it and take good care of a baby/toddler.

[Maureen]

I can't jump into too much with advice here. I have twin toddler boys so the gap between the first and second child was decided for me. I am now mulling if we want a third. I love what I have now so I am soo scared to miss up our current family dynamics. I also am happy to have the infant phase behind us so I am reluctant to go back to that again, but at the same time I'd like to experience a singleton baby as we just survived the twins' infancy rather than enjoyed it.

I'd agree though that I think whatever you wind up with will have pros and cons and somehow once you are in the middle of it, it will be the norm to you.

Good luck!!

[Sara]

I think in essence, I'm in agreement with the modern equivalent of the hunter-gatherer rationale for spacing. If one of them is small enough to need extensive carrying, they're too close *for me* to parent well.

Yeah, yeah, I've seen all the two-child babywearing setups. I'm just talking the logistics of a small child who needs to be carried through snowdrifts in his giant snowsuit, hefted into the carseat and strapped in, all while juggling an infant in an infant carseat. My first child, at 2, still needed a lot of carrying and physical help doing things that he did not need at 3, which made the parenting of two children at once that much easier.

Mine are 3yrs 4mos apart. If it weren't for the miscarriage in between I'd have them almost exactly 3 years apart. Either would have been okay, but I like the spacing I have. They're not the best of buddies, but that has a lot to do wth personality and interests more than age.

[enu]

Mine are just under 2 years apart and the spacing's been great. This was planned - partly because I grew up with a large space (5 years) and little to do with my older bro (although we're great as adults), partly because I wanted to finish childbearing if possible at a young age, due to my general lethargy and lack of pep.
They have always been very sisterly, but also have extremely different personalities, strengths and issues, which is great. They don't compete on anything. Watching them play together was about the best thing about motherhood (after the cuddling ;-))
They are still very affectionate and look forward to spending time together - older wants younger to come visit at college but OMG, the place is Sodom and Gomorrah....
I do think the whole "problem" of 2 in diapers or the older child "missing out on" their babyhood because of a sibling is overstated in many cases. I do think it's important to try to not push older child into anything they would not normally be pushed into on account of younger child (early potty training, big bed).
Okay I admit it, the real reason I had the second so soon after the first is that I was afraid I'd completely lose my nerve if I waited.
I'm glad I didn't wait. They are sweet ;-)

[Rbelle]

I don't have kids yet, but I wanted to comment as the member of a four-child family. My mom "timed" my two older sisters, who are just under three years apart. She had two miscarriages between her second daughter and me, so I'm 5 1/2 years younger than my sister. Then, she had a "surprise" (love that Roseanne anecdote), and my brother is six years younger than I am. We actually have a good family dynamic overall, and on the rare occassions when we can all be together, we have a blast. As kids, though, my older sister and I fought like cats and dogs, my younger brother and I fought like crazy, and my oldest sister didn't really fight with any of us.

I now get along great with my brother and older sister, and am a little more detached from my oldest. Interestingly, the least close siblings in my family are my two older sisters, the ones spaced apart by three years. Adding a third child to the mix could have had a lot to do with that, since I think it made my oldest sister mature faster and look for relationships outside of the family (mostly at church, which none of the rest of us ever got into).

I say this not to bore you all :P, but because I think it's interesting that my two siblings who are what I've always considered the "perfect" age apart aren't the ones who ended up closest as adults. I seriously doubt most people would choose to have their kids 5 or 6 years apart, and I certainly don't intend to. But I do think that how you raise your kids to interact with each other has a lot more to do with how well they get along than spacing. Obviously, with no actual child-rearing experience, my opinion can be taken with a grain of salt, but it seems like spacing decisions should focus more on what will preserve the parents' sanity than what age gap is "perfect" for kids getting along. Their dynamic will change throughout their lives, and surrounded by a loving enough family, everyone will hopefully be able to at least tolerate each other :)

[Steph]

My boys are 15.5 months apart. It wasn't an oops, exactly, but also not exactly planned as I wasn't even sure that I was ovulating when I got pregnant with #2. They are very close and there was never any jealousy or rivalry when they were younger. There is some now, but I think less so than with most siblings. Financially it worked out for us as I stayed home while they were both very young and then went back to work when they were old enough for full-day preschool. The diaper/sleep thing was hard and the demands of taking care of the both of them was very draining, physically and emotionally, on me but mostly because I had no local family and very little help from my husband. It didn't help that the older one has always been very needy and the younger one does not sleep (nine years old, still not sleeping).

I do have regrets about having to stop nursing the older one so soon. I do not do pregnancy well, at all, and there was a good chance that I was going to have to spend most of the 2nd pregnancy on bedrest, so I weaned him on doctors orders. As it was, I did spend about six weeks on limited bed rest during the 2nd trimester, and during that time I did have those very dark wishes for a miscarriage. Of course I felt horrible at the time and still deal with the guilt. Other than that, I am glad that they are spaced as they are. For the most part they enjoy the same activities and movies; there is very little that isn't age-appropriate for both of them, so we don't end up having to make the compromises that I see other families making.

[Andromeda]

Beth: a friend of mine had her first baby right after passing her quals, and her second two, three months before defending her dissertation. (On purpose. Yes, she's crazy. But very, very competent.) The timing with the first meant she could slack off a bit anyway in post-qual stupor, and the second...uh...well, so with the second, the first was in day care and she got a lot of friends to help with babysitting while she wrote her thesis with fiendish intensity.

And it all worked and she got the PhD when she planned and now that she's in postdoc world the oldest is in school and it all seems to still be working (and her kids are adorable and smart and get along with each other). Yeah, the first six months after #2 were completely nuts, but things settled down eventually.

So it's all doable, with plenty of help.

And look on the bright side: PhD programs are more flexible than jobs, so even though you have just as much work, you have more ways to juggle it.

[Dee]

I've got 2 girls, just over 19 months apart in age and vaguely planned it that way (you know, for as much planning one can do after four years of infertility treatment, etc.). For me (an only child), it pretty much made sense for several reasons, namely:

1) I was 36 when I had my first baby so I knew that if we wanted to try for #2, we'd have to go for it sooner rather than later, and

2) I figured two in diapers would be easier for me than reentering the land of diapers after 'graduating' to the land of the potty.

We started trying for #2 when #1 was about 10 months old, figuring it would take a while seeing as it had taken four years to get our first. We had a plan to try on our own for 6 months or so before heading back to the RE if no luck. Imagine my shock and suprise when we got lucky on our first try out of the gate that month.

Now that big is 28 months and little is 9 months old, they get along well, but I do notice that the oldest recalls toys that were hers that are now the babies and has some 'issues' with that. But, really, if that's the worst I'm dealing with these days, I'll take it and not complain. I'm hoping they'll be friends growing up seeing as they're fairly close in age...but at the same time, hello, two girls...I have no doubt we'll have much in the way of both squabbles and love in the years to come.

The jury is still out on our trying for #3. Some days I think yes, most days no. After a scary NICU stint with #2, I'm gun-shy. And after 9 months of juggling two young'uns - one in diapers, one now deep in the throes of potty training, I'm even more gun-shy. Plus, the ratio of adult arms to little people is currently even in our household. One more little person and they outnumber us--there goes "majority" rule (with us parents being the 'majority!').

[caramama]

It's great to hear all this. I had hoped it would have more to do with personality than planned spacing, and it sounds like that's likely.

I thought I would add my perspective (which seems to be similar to julie's above). We are going to start trying again soon after the Pumpkin turns one. This has very little to do with how we think spacing will affect the kids, although I do hope that it won't give the Pumpkin too much time to get used to be an only child and having all the attention for herself, as we do plan to have 1 or 2 more. We are starting so soon for two reasons:
1. To get all the sleepless nights, diapers and chaos of infancy (as someone above said) over with as quickly as possible. I think this will be better for my husband and my's relationship in the long run.
2. Because it took us so long to get pregnant with the Pumpkin. Sorry, Moxie, but we can't live in the perfect world were there are no fertility issues. I wish. Having to wait 3 years for the first baby has colored our future plans, and it is something to consider if you are an older mom. Hubby actually wanted to start a couple months ago, but I needed a little time before being pregnant again.

Beth - I really believe that pregnancy is 9 months in part to give parents time to get ready for the baby. Don't feel like you have to feel connected right off. Give yourself time. FWIW, I never enjoyed my pregnancy even though we worked so hard to get pregnant! And I adore the baby, even though she is on the difficult side.

[Annika]

When my son was about 10 months old, I told my husband that I thought it would be best to get pregnant immediately or wait at least a couple years. My reasoning was that I could either deal with constant nursing and lack of sleep for two plus years straight, or get a break in the middle. We still have just the one, now 18 months old. Last night I was holding a friend's infant and my son wanted to be held as well. It was lovely but I am glad it isn't full-time. We had talked about trying for #2 in a couple months but now I am thinking that waiting another year might work best for me. I reserve the right to change my mind again, of course.

I don't think spacing has much effect on the relationship the kids will have, so for me it is all about my comfort level.

[ambrosia]

I'm currently 24weeks pregnant with our first, and we want more than one. But I'm 39, so we will likely take whatever we can get. I know it's easy for me to say at this point, but I think that kids are pretty resilient, and will more often than not come out just fine, as long as they get lots of love and have their fundamental dignity respected.

I'm also the youngest (a "wonderful surprise" was how my mom put it) of three, my older sisters are 23 months apart and 6 and 4 years older than me. As kids, middle sister tormented me endlessly- we never got along, and she had a real advantage in size and development for coming up with new ways to be mean to me. But somewhere in high school she grew out of it. And now we are really, really close and have a great relationship. It's hard to predict how things will turn out.

[Nikki]

Like someone else above said, I'm an only child and didn't want my oldest to be an only. My two boys are 2y7m apart - sort of a planned spacing in that we started trying but it took a few months as we had to have fertility treatments for each kiddo. I really didn't want 2 in diapers - some people prefer it but for me it seemed like it would be too much for me to handle. #1 was nearly potty trained when #2 was born and finished potty training 2 weeks later...from what I've read this is highly unusual since at that time #1 is supposed to be rebelling, regressing, etc but he's an independent, happy guy who welcomed #2 with open arms and now (15 months later) barely remembers what it was like without baby.

I think it depends a lot on the kids' personalities but parents play a huge role in shaping #1's opinion of the baby. We have friends that constantly use their #2 to motivate #1 (i.e. "Show #2 what a big girl you are by doing ___" or "#2 is eating her peas why aren't you?") which I think contributes to a lot of their problems with #1 acting out. I would act out if I was constantly compared to someone else! We try our hardest to treat each one individually and also spend time with each individually so that each is still getting alone time with Mommy and Daddy.

I also wanted to toss out that some people decide spacing on when they want the next child's birthday to be - like they don't want the two kids to have birthdays in the same month or they do want them to be close tgether so they can pass down seasonal clothes. This didn't factor into our decision but we have friends that tried really hard to have them exactly 3 1/2 years apart so that they wouldn't have two birthday parties in the same month but it took a bit longer than planned so their birthdays will only be 3 weeks apart. It'll all work out of course, but it's just something else to consider!

[SJ]

I almost sent this question in about 6 months ago.

But here I am, 18 weeks along with #2, who will be 2yrs 11 month younger than big brother. My sister and I are 2.5 yrs apart (not close now but more for personality differences, were very close as little kids), and so are my husband and bro-in-law (not so close as kids, on and off very close now).

I was very traumatized by my son's birth and not sure I could go through it again - after several months of therapy we decided to try, and soon had the reality of a positive pregnancy test - which really freaked me out. Beth, I had the some of the same feelings, until at 7 weeks I started bleeding - at which point some part of me realized how much I already cared about this baby even while I was scared out of my mind about having it. I wouldn't recommend the method but it really snapped things into place for me (to a point).
For the past few nights I've dreamt about losing the baby - both miscarriage and about losing a small child in the process of taking care of my son. I am worried about how to balance their needs, but it will work out in the end.

That nine months thing is important - my therapist pointed out to me that I'm almost halfway there and it made me panic again briefly - but that means there are still five months to figure more of this out!

Beth, a friend of mine had her sons 11 months apart (yes, you read that correctly, like other posters it was tough to get preggers the first time, but then...) during her residency - the first year was tough, but she finished up this year with only an extra couple of months to make up for the second maternity leave and just got a great job. I have a Phd and had many friends in my program who had kids - the important thing is to seek out others with kids (in your program, or your school) for moral and practical support!

[pnuts mama]

oh beth- so sorry i didn't have time to read your comment before i wrote mine. i completely understand the feeling of being completely overwhelmed by this new pregnancy and not feeling as attached or excited yet (i'm sorta going up and down with it right now).

first, good luck with your class work, i'm lucky that i'm ABD (if you want to call that lucky), but in a way, this would be much easier right now if all i had to do was course work. i simply lack the serious discipline to sit my ass down and come up with the original stuff i need to do at this point- so much easier when i was given readings and needed to write based on assignments. you'll have probably about 5 years after you complete your course work to write your diss, and if you approach your current classwork with an idea of what you want to write about, it actually will help down the line when you need to write the big book, in that you'll have tons of reading/writing done for it already. FWIW, i was able to do coursework while pnut was a newborn, and i have friends who have taken a semester off when they had a baby.

second- my husband also works full time+ and goes to school part time. it effing sucks. it has been so hard the nights when he's not home, worse when pnut was younger, better now, although she misses him more now that she's older. i feel the worst for him, trying to balance all of his responsibilities, and trying to finish up before newbabybean arrives. we're just taking it one day at a time around here. i don't even attempt school work those nights, just pile in the car and window shop at target or something. i found that compartmentalizing school/work/baby helps a lot. did i mention we're also adding on to our house right now? go ahead and check me into the psych ward, thanks.

finally, i've been surprised how different i've reacted to this pregnancy (so far) than the last one. it happened really fast, when i expected it to take 2-3 cycles, i.e., newbabybean would be born *after* pnut turned 3, not before. it has tightened my own reading and writing schedule so much that it sends me into a panic, and i've purposely tried to not get too emotionally attached just in case something does happen- and not see it as a total bad thing...it sounds so weird b/c this baby is completely wanted. i guess i was thinking #2 would be easier?

hang in there, you are not alone. i plan on getting some real help for us this next year or so, and i can't wait til this damn thing is done so i can move on with my life already. i've found that i can write better when i'm not home and being distracted by everything i have to do here. i covet the lives of my friends who are *only* SAHM's, and can't wait to just be able to kick back and enjoy my kids w/o wondering if this is the day my advisor is going to check up on me and my progress. sigh. best to you, beth.

[Tami]

I didn't get to have any of my three kids when I planned to have them, so I'm not very good at these conversations. We went without birth control for three years ("trying" on and off) before we finally got pregnant with our first (after a miscarriage along the way). I was a little shell shocked after the birth and postpartum experience of the first, so in spite of our history of infertility, I went on birth control after our first was born. I went off it after about seven months and it was about another nine months after that when we finally got pregnant with our second. That makes the first and the second two years apart. Our third was a surprise. I had a really good birth/postpartum experience with the second and figured "what am I doing wasting money on birth control?". I found out I was pregnant when he was four months old.

Yeah, Beth, I thought I was going to loose my marbles too. I was about to have a three year old, a one year old and a newborn. It's an awful feeling for an infertile to find herself in the position of not being happy about being pregnant.

But cut to today with my five month old little girl and her two older brothers, and I couldn't imagine my life any other way. I love the makeup of my family. Now don't misunderstand, there's some craziness, but in a strange way I think it has forced me to be a better parent and rise to the occasion. Also, emotionally I feel like I'm in a better place than I've been in years. I'm so much better at prioritizing my life and forgiving myself for not being able to do everything.

I'm not sure what my children's spacing will do for them as adults, I guess only time will tell, but so far it's been great for me. We're just doing our best with the spacing we've been given.

[Andrea]

LOL! What a coincidence! This just happened to be the topic of my blog post today, which didn't even pop into my head until I sat down to post...

I only have one right now (10 months old), but I'm looking at having another when mine is about 2 1/2 or waiting until she's 4 or 5. My hubby is 11 years my senior, though, and he'll alread be in his 50s when our first graduates high school, so we're still discussing it.

[Jill]

I planned mine to the month, but now I see both advantages and disadvantages. They are 2y9mo apart, both boys. The oldest wasn't quite potty trained and regressed when the baby was born. He had a tough time adjusting. He was three and we were too exhausted to deal with all that comes with Threes. I yelled alot.

They are now 3 and 6 and play together all the time. They are close enough to enjoy the same toys and activities. They wanted to share a room even though we have the space for separate. (Obviously they also fight for the same toys, but the good outweighs the bad.)

I will know if I succeeded if either of them is Best Man in the other's wedding.

[kelly]

Like a lot of others have said, I think it depends on kids' personalities. From what I've seen all sorts of age gaps either work or don't depending on kids' personalities, how they're treated by parents, and who knows what else. I don't think there is a magic number.

I'm currently pregnant with my first, but we do want to have another at some point, so I have thought about this question.

One thing I've noticed in the comments is that whatever we grew up with seems normal to us. My younger sister and I are 2 years apart. We didn't fight much growing up, we get along now, but we're not particularly close. Personality differences. I know sisters who are just over a year apart and, as adults, are best friends. My husband and his younger sister are 6 years apart and have always gotten along very well (although I think it's worth noting that, even as a highly intelligent 6 years, he had typical sibling jealousy when his sister was born. He distinctly remembers feeling left out and telling his mother that he though she didn't love him anymore. So, yeah, old enough to understand doesn't prevent noses being out of joint.) I also know sisters 6 years apart who do not get along at all and likely never will.

2 years? 6 years? I have no idea. I like the idea of making the best of whatever spacing occurs, though I know I'll wind up obsessing about it.