Q&A: adjusting to naps with caregiver

Apparently this is "sleep problems and single parenting" week. Here's a question that combines both. Kay writes:

"very soon i'm going to have to go back to work (sigh. sigh.).  my daughter just turned a year old, and to say sleep isn't always her thang would be an understatement.  i've gotten used to our schedule/routine for sleep, but soon she'll be taking her naps with someone else.  the only thing that works for us is for me to nurse her down in bed, then roll away.  almost like clockwork, she wakes after 30 minutes, and if i'm close by i can nurse her back down to sleep again.  i've tried rocking, patting, pacifiers, etc. - she wants the real deal, nipple action!  she only takes one nap these days (1-2 hrs when i'm right there), so naptime is a one-shot deal now. if this matters, she does something similar at night, with frequent wakings to nurse (we co-sleep).  and i'm not into CIO, though i say that with NO judgment to others.

okay, so my point is....  how is someone else, someone who she doesn't even know well, going to get her to sleep???  i feel like i need to establish a new routine BEFORE i just throw her into this kind of mix, but don't know where to start.  i've read previous posts about sending in the other parent, etc, but i'm a 100% single parent.  i seriously lay in bed (while she's asleep!) thinking about this over and over.  it's bad enough to feel like i'm leaving her with someone else, much less knowing that she could be crazy sleep deprived.  she is SO active (started walking at 9.5 months and now just goes and goes), but she does not konk out when she's super tired - she just gets more ramped.

in respect to the tension-releaser vs builder, she is a very determined (and lovely) toddler who seems able to cry for long periods of time (the couple of times i've sat in the room and tried to get her to sleep in her crib).  aaaaahhh, it just makes me want to rack up my credit cards so i never have to go back to work until she's in preschool!  i would be so grateful for any suggestions you or your readers (especially single parents) have."

Your guys know I always say "You're the best parent for your child." I mean it, and if it's the one thing I hope anyone ever takes away from this site that's it.

But there's another half to that. Which is that you're the only you there is. Your child is going to react to you in a way that s/he doesn't react to anyone else in the world. That's great in some ways--you'll be the one who gets hugs and kisses and a special kind of love. But sometimes it can feel like you're the only one who can do things.

Your child, though, knows who you are, and that no one else is you. And your child doesn't expect anyone else to be you. Your child can form meaningful rituals and bonds with other people.

At moments of big change, like starting day care, it can feel like you'll be helping everyone if you become the facilitator of those rituals. But it's not your job to create a relationship between your child and someone else, just to set the stage to allow it to happen.

What I'm saying is that whoever cares for your child will come up with a way to get her to nap. She may not like not being able to nurse to sleep anymore, but she'll adjust to going down for a nap with her caregiver, and she'll probably still want the nurse-and-roll-away from you on weekends. But it's not your job to come up with a new routine for your caregiver to follow. Your daughter probably wouldn't accept it from you anyway, and why make tension between you right before you have to change something in her life?

Let the new caregiver come up with the plan that works for them. You stay you, being the mother and doing the mothering that you do when you're with her.

And it's going to be OK going back to work. Unless it's not, in which case you'll figure out something that you can live with. At this age everything changes so quickly that what doesn't work now could be perfect in three months, and vice versa.

Now, in the comments section I need tales of children who will only sleep one way for you, but can go down a different way with someone else. I'll start: My younger son does not like to take a nap when I put him down, and will keep making excuses for me to come back (the whole "I need some water" routine). But he goes down easily with his babysitter, who created a routine involving a "tuck-tuck" (which I assume has something to so with tucking the blankets in around him) that he sometimes requests at times when she's not there.

Anyone else have anything to share? We're assuming she's getting a competent caregiver who's got her own bag of tricks to get Kay's daughter to nap.

Comments

[r0ckaby3]

I watch a two year old girl one day a week, over nap time. My two year old son comes with me. The little girl has never gone to sleep easily for her parents (youngest of six!). Originally, I did what they did: took her for a stroller ride or in the car. However, when she turned two this year, I explained to her that she was a big girl and would be putting herself to sleep from now on when I came over to play with her.

So, I found a routine that works for her. I tuck her in her toddler bed and tell her I'll be back in one minute. I come back in one minute and tell her I'll be back in two minutes. When I come back in two minutes, she is typically asleep. She knows if she climbs out of bed I'll take her right back. Now, I know for a fact that her parents and older siblings still have to take her for a stroller ride or a ride in the car to get her to sleep. She just knows that when I'm around, that's not how going to sleep works anymore.

In other words, Moxie's right. Your child will have a different relationship with her new caregiver. And don't worry if it takes a few days or even a week or two for your daughter to catch on to the new routine/caregiver. It'll be hard, but she'll figure it out and start to get excited to see her new caregiver when you drop her off in the mornings!

[hill]

Just been there! Just done that! A few months back I was stressing about my 10 month old starting daycare... How ever would she deal with no stroller/scarf to nap in? And, adding insult to injury, with no mama's milk straight from the source?

Well, fortunately someone did the same job as this post is doing, by telling me simply to enjoy our last 24/7 moments and let the caregivers deal with the rest. No, she won't nap in the beginning but they'll most likely find strategies that work and in the end she will sleep during the day. (She'll be too interested in everything and everyone to nap anyway! Which is definitely the case.) Yes, my friend assured, when you're no longer with her *all the time* you'll pump more than 20ml.

And what do you know, friend was right. On a ll counts. But conceptually, I think the most important lesson has been what Moxie emphasized about letting your child form his/her own relationships with others. In the beginning, I think I even tried to shape everything, including relationship with Dad. Make sure all would run smoothly in paradise. Well, in the end, looks like paradise is a place where you can just let go and trust yourself and other people to engage each other on their own terms. Much more satisfying for all -- and less stressful!

Enjoy and hope all goes well...

[Megan]

Ah, you are all such wise women. Would that I had read this post when my son switched from his in-home daycare to a center. Now he's in a room with 10 other 2-year-olds. The entire center turns off its lights between 1 and 3 pm every day. The children sleep on cots with blankets.

I remember dropping him off the first day, inwardly waiting for the phone call: "You'll have to come get your son...he's the only one who won't nap."

The call never came. When I picked him up that afternoon and casually asked how long he napped for them, they looked at me and said, "2 hours." Like that *wasn't* a freaking miracle.

He still won't nap more than an hour for me. e-v-e-r! Little bugger.

[Amy]

I had this very same, deep worry when I transitioned my daughter to her care situation, but felt a huge sense of relief when I decided to just let go. If you have a good care provider, that person will use their experience and their growing relationship with your child to come up with a way to get her to sleep. She might even sleep twice as long as she does for you! Try to think of it as giving her a chance to learn some new sleeping skills. My daughter will only fall asleep for me if I rock her and sing ... for her daddy she will only fall asleep if he reads her three books ... for her nanny only if she's put into her crib with a blankie and left to babbly herself to sleep while grandma sings in the other room. Go figure. It'll be alright! Good luck. Returning to work is hard!

[lolismum]

Kay,I know it's impossible to imagine now, but after a few weeks at work, you will send another message to Moxie, that asks:

"My babysitter can get my child to sleep/eat at the table with a spoon/get dressed on her own/listen/stay in the stroller/say thank you and please/brush her teeth , but she won't do any of that with me. Why?" As many of the commenters have already said, children are more adaptable than we think and they quickly turn the tables around. Little buggers.

[lolismum]

Kay,I know it's impossible to imagine now, but after a few weeks at work, you will send another message to Moxie, that asks:

"My babysitter can get my child to sleep/eat at the table with a spoon/get dressed on her own/listen/stay in the stroller/say thank you and please/brush her teeth , but she won't do any of that with me. Why?" As many of the moms have already said, children are more adaptable than we think and they quickly turn the tables around. Little buggers.

[stacy]

Moxie is right, as usual!

My 11 month old always wants to nurse to sleep, doesn't nap well unless he has a boob in his mouth, etc. Same drill. But he goes down to sleep really well for anyone who is not-me. For my husband, for babysitters, for grandparents.

It's funny. The first time I left him with a sitter at night, I told her that she could do the bedtime routine if she'd like, but that B. would probably cry and fight and scream to be nursed. I fully expected him to still be awake when I got home that night.

The little stinker went right down for his sitter. Didn't even fuss a BIT. He was 10 months old when this happened - I'd waited all that time to hire a sitter, tearing my hair out because I just wanted one little "date" with my husband but I was so *sure* that he wouldn't go to sleep for anyone else. He sure proved me wrong.

They're smarter than we give them credit for. Kids and care providers both :)

[Melis]

How about the kid who doesn't ever nap with a "b" at daycare but has to have 3 at home? Little Man hasn't had a "b" at her house since he was 1, yet no matter how often I tell him he doesn't need it, come naptime he asks for (and then demands) a "b".

I shouldn't complain-the kid naps 3 hours every afternoon and sleeps about 12 hours a night without too much variation.

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[amygdala]

Is it too late to respond to this post? My daughter (almost 4 years old) wouldn't go to sleep (for naps or at night) without nursing for the first three years of her life. Our life was very similar to the one Kay described. When she turned 3 and I became a single mom and had to go back to work, I was terrified of, well, everything, but most of all, I was afraid of what would happen around sleeping. I lost a lot of sleep and shot a lot of cortisol into my system worrying about my daughter's ability to sleep with another person. But, guess what? She was FINE. She learned immediately to sleep at a day care providers house, at two preschools, and at my ex's house. It was mildly difficult initially, especially with her other parent, but transitioning to napping at daycare and preschool were completely non-issues.

And I'm not an anomaly: There are several 1 year old babies at my girl's daycare. One child is used to napping only while being held, another skips naps entirely except on the car, another cries at home when his parents put him down, but they ALL sleep peacefully at the daycare provider's house. They want to sleep there -- they go to the door of the nap room and wait to be let in when they're tired (they're all on different schedules, and she accommodates them, so it's not like peer pressure makes them willing to sleep).

My message to anyone is that this is an issue between you and your child, and it might be rough, but have faith that your child will be fine sleeping in other environments.

I say this as a co-sleeping, still nursing my almost 4 year old, single-for-the-past-year, incredibly broke, working full time out of the home mother.

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[Marius]

In two+ years I have only napped duirng his nap about 4 times. For a long time it was because he only napped for 20 min at a time...but for the past year it has been because I have so much to do and only nap time to do it in.