Q&A: adjusting to naps with caregiver

Apparently this is "sleep problems and single parenting" week. Here's a question that combines both. Kay writes:

"very soon i'm going to have to go back to work (sigh. sigh.).  my daughter just turned a year old, and to say sleep isn't always her thang would be an understatement.  i've gotten used to our schedule/routine for sleep, but soon she'll be taking her naps with someone else.  the only thing that works for us is for me to nurse her down in bed, then roll away.  almost like clockwork, she wakes after 30 minutes, and if i'm close by i can nurse her back down to sleep again.  i've tried rocking, patting, pacifiers, etc. - she wants the real deal, nipple action!  she only takes one nap these days (1-2 hrs when i'm right there), so naptime is a one-shot deal now. if this matters, she does something similar at night, with frequent wakings to nurse (we co-sleep).  and i'm not into CIO, though i say that with NO judgment to others.

okay, so my point is....  how is someone else, someone who she doesn't even know well, going to get her to sleep???  i feel like i need to establish a new routine BEFORE i just throw her into this kind of mix, but don't know where to start.  i've read previous posts about sending in the other parent, etc, but i'm a 100% single parent.  i seriously lay in bed (while she's asleep!) thinking about this over and over.  it's bad enough to feel like i'm leaving her with someone else, much less knowing that she could be crazy sleep deprived.  she is SO active (started walking at 9.5 months and now just goes and goes), but she does not konk out when she's super tired - she just gets more ramped.

in respect to the tension-releaser vs builder, she is a very determined (and lovely) toddler who seems able to cry for long periods of time (the couple of times i've sat in the room and tried to get her to sleep in her crib).  aaaaahhh, it just makes me want to rack up my credit cards so i never have to go back to work until she's in preschool!  i would be so grateful for any suggestions you or your readers (especially single parents) have."

Your guys know I always say "You're the best parent for your child." I mean it, and if it's the one thing I hope anyone ever takes away from this site that's it.

But there's another half to that. Which is that you're the only you there is. Your child is going to react to you in a way that s/he doesn't react to anyone else in the world. That's great in some ways--you'll be the one who gets hugs and kisses and a special kind of love. But sometimes it can feel like you're the only one who can do things.

Your child, though, knows who you are, and that no one else is you. And your child doesn't expect anyone else to be you. Your child can form meaningful rituals and bonds with other people.

At moments of big change, like starting day care, it can feel like you'll be helping everyone if you become the facilitator of those rituals. But it's not your job to create a relationship between your child and someone else, just to set the stage to allow it to happen.

What I'm saying is that whoever cares for your child will come up with a way to get her to nap. She may not like not being able to nurse to sleep anymore, but she'll adjust to going down for a nap with her caregiver, and she'll probably still want the nurse-and-roll-away from you on weekends. But it's not your job to come up with a new routine for your caregiver to follow. Your daughter probably wouldn't accept it from you anyway, and why make tension between you right before you have to change something in her life?

Let the new caregiver come up with the plan that works for them. You stay you, being the mother and doing the mothering that you do when you're with her.

And it's going to be OK going back to work. Unless it's not, in which case you'll figure out something that you can live with. At this age everything changes so quickly that what doesn't work now could be perfect in three months, and vice versa.

Now, in the comments section I need tales of children who will only sleep one way for you, but can go down a different way with someone else. I'll start: My younger son does not like to take a nap when I put him down, and will keep making excuses for me to come back (the whole "I need some water" routine). But he goes down easily with his babysitter, who created a routine involving a "tuck-tuck" (which I assume has something to so with tucking the blankets in around him) that he sometimes requests at times when she's not there.

Anyone else have anything to share? We're assuming she's getting a competent caregiver who's got her own bag of tricks to get Kay's daughter to nap.

Comments

[laury]

Well - my son would never go to sleep for me any other way than feeding to sleep, or buggy nap. The first day at nursery (age 1) he didn't nap. The second day he did and he has done ever since. I'm sure this is largely because I'm not there and because all the other kids are doing it, but I think he would figure out a way to nap with a sitter too, tho we haven't tried it. My partner also used to be able to get him to go to sleep much more easily. This is a really common problem/concern but I really think it will work out.

[paola]

My son was breastfed to sleep forever. When he was 14 months old, I fell pregnant and nursed until I was into my third month, but got to a stage I just couldn't keep it up ( I was spotting continuously and suffering from really sore nipples.)I was terrified I'd never get him to sleep if I couldn't nurse him: I dropped 2 out of the three feeds cold turkey and he (surprisingly) coped extremely well, managing to fall asleep at nap time with a story and a cuddle and then stopped the third feed ( before going down at night) a couple of days later. He didn't even bat an eye. The same ritual
worked at night time too ( a story and a cuddle) and I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

I think we always worry when we change routines, especially those involving our breasts, but they do manage surprisingly well. If there is no choice, there's no choice.

[Maria]

I have nothing here. But I'm listening really hard...

[Rosemary]

You are describing our sitution exactly. At 21 months, my son still won't go to sleep without breastfeeding to sleep but that's only when he's with me. With his Dad, my Dad and his childcare worker, he just lies down and they pat him off. Each one has their own routine with him, and I know the childcare worker took a couple of weeks to get him into a sleep routine.

Please, I implore you. Don't do what I did and ruin the last few months of my maternity leave stressing myself silly with this problem. In the end I realised that it is not my responsibilty to put him to sleep at childcare, that is their job and they need to work out a way to do it.

If I could put you in my shoes now, I would tell you that you need to put EVERYTHING you possibly can on the backburner for your first four to eight weeks back at work and just come home and nurse that baby and cuddle and kiss and sleep. Seriously, at this time, housecleaning is way overrated, just shop cook and clean enough to keep everyone alive. But, don't plan on doing anything else. With your help, everyone will get through it.

[Jo-Ann]

My older son went to daycare. He was almost weaned except whenever I was around he wanted to nurse at naptime, though at daycare he napped fine without me. Luckily I had another baby by then and could fulfill his wish to nurse at naptime on weekends only. When I quit my day job after daycare costs became unmanageable I returned to nursing him daily at nap. He then decided to wean.

My younger son is still nursing. I changed careers and only work two to three nights a week. My husband puts the baby down without nursing and they have their own routine without me which I know involves telling him I am at work.

Good luck. Kids are more adaptable than we think
Jo-Ann

[Ivory]

We always joke that I have to be out of the house before Ella will go down for a nap with my husband or mother-in-law, because if I am in the house, she can smell me, and she knows she could have the 'ninny' if she cries long enough. If I'm not here? She goes right down. This frustrates me to no end if I let it, but I just try to keep perspective - how great is it that I have these moments with her that no one else does?

And if all else fails, kiddo might cut out her daytime nap, and just start getting her 12-14 hours (isn't this what they say for a 1 year old?) at night - you may even get the benefit of sleeping for longer stretches!

[Amy]

I have a two year old who was extremely "sleep-challenged" as well, so I totally relate to what you're saying. I remember what a HUGE relief it was when someone else was able to put her down without me. I think it may have been my mom when my husband and I (finally) had to go out somewhere before her bed time. I called to check in and was so surprised that she was actually sleeping - it was an aha moment! Best of luck to you and I agree with a PP, try to enjoy your time together before you start back to work.

[Lisa]

My son is in a family day care and takes 2 naps a day there, in his crib, no complaining. The first one is short (45 minutes tops), the second afternoon one longer (2 hours).

He has never in his entire life napped for 2 hours for me. And currently, he will only nap for me if I'm carrying him in the ergo or co-napping while nursing. And those naps all last 1 hour, tops. I have tried to recreate the day care experience (they use a noise machine, darkened room etc) but to no avail. He just does it differently for different folks. At least it forces me to take an afternoon nap myself on weekends/days off!

[M]

My daughter is 26 months, and has been in a daycare a few days a week since she was 12 months old. I *still* nurse her down for every nap at home. I can't get her to nap any other way, despite the fact that at her daycare, when they get out the cots, she lays down, closes her eyes, and falls alseep after a few minutes. Apparently they have some sort of magic. Or more likely, she doesn't expect the same things from them, because they're not me.

I might also add, in case this comes up for you, that she refused to drink pumped breastmilk out of bottles or cups, which I inititally thought would be a crisis, but it turned out fine. She nurses for the nap on the days she's home, and not for the daycare days, and it's fine for both of us. I did think this set-up would help ease us into weaning, though a year later I'm beginning to doubt it's going to have any effect!

[rudyinparis]

I have to say, I think Moxie's comments on this are among her best ever. And that's saying a lot. Your child doesn't expect anyone else to be YOU. They understand that you are unique. They can and will shift accordingly when faced with someone who is Not You.

Eldest, now 4, still naps at daycare but stopped napping for us, at home, a looooong time ago.

I hope you have a (relatively) easy transition back to work! I have found it's always the anticipation of change that is worse than the actual situation, so I hope that is the case for you, too, and that you and your daughter grow to enjoy your new routine.

[hedra]

Every blessed one of my kids has had a different routine for others than for me. And a different one for my mom than for the daycare, for two of them.

G: Napped fine nursed down for me, slept easily and without fuss like clockwork and with almost ZERO effort to convince for daycare. Slept poorly at first for my mom, then better than for us.

B: Had to nap ON us at home, and put himself down for bed for my mom by 7 months (literally would make his nest and crawl in). Would not sleep at all at night for us unless we were BOTH there (DH and me). Slept at naps just fine for one caregiver, terrible for another, and fabulously for a third.

M+R: Hated naps at home unless nursed down or up so long that they crashed from sheer exhaustion. Daycare provider never got them to nap consistantly, ever, ever.ever.ever. She gave up, and she had 18 years of experience to draw on, and NEVER failed to ease a child (usually a whole passel) into a regular nap. Napped easily on mother's helper, even if I was home. At 2, in preschool, napped perfectly and easily on a schedule with no fussing, and let teachers know if they're tired 'early' and just go down early. STILL won't nap easily at home without herculean effort. Oh, and other grandparents have never been able to get them to nap, either. So it isn't just 'everyone but us', but everyone is DIFFERENT, as Moxie says.

Yeah, mommy is 'special'. Daddy is 'special'. We get the soooo special napping and sleep routines. Some days I envy the less special folks who can get them to sleep.

Moxie is wise wise wise. Letting them develop their own relationships with the other adults in their lives is a great way to put it. It feels weird at first, especially if you've been the only, or the MAIN (say, they still don't let Daddy take a primary spot at all...). But those other relationships will be amazing to watch once you let yourself enjoy them. I love the relationships my kids have developed with their teachers and caregivers. It's like watching them with a favored aunt (or uncle, or grandparent). Endearing, and comfortable, and warm.

[Katherine]

When my daughter started daycare at 8 months, naps were my biggest worry. She would only fall asleep for naps alone in her crib, she wouldn't be rocked to sleep even though I was more than willing. I thought surely she wouldn't lay down in a strange crib in a strange place and just go to sleep and if she wouldn't let me or her dad rock her to sleep surely she wouldn't let the daycare ladies do it either. But she did! They rocked her to sleep the first day in about 5 minutes. I was actually kind of hurt that she let them rock her to sleep but wouldn't let me do that. Then I came to my senses and realized I was lucky that she didn't NEED me to rock her to sleep.

Kids behave so differently with mom or dad than with anyone else, you may be surprised how easily the problem is solved once the other person takes over the naps. One thing I did do that I'm sure helped a lot was get her attached to a lovey blanket a few weeks before we started daycare. She can handle anything as long as she can hold the blanket and suck her thumb.

[Katie]

My kids insisted on nursing to sleep. They wouldn't even go to sleep for Daddy. But as soon as they began to be babysat or go to daycare, they slept perfectly for the other caregivers. My 7-month old son was babysat by a woman who had a 7-month old daughter. Even though my son would see that baby nurse to sleep, he would go to sleep without nursing. But at home, he still wanted it his way :)

[Rebecca]

My little bug is much like yours: avid nurser, no bottle or binky will do. We co-slept, and the only way she would go to sleep without nursing was in the car or occasionally the stroller. I reluctantly went back to work part-time when she was 12 months, with the same worries you have: I thought she would never nap and would work herself into a frenzy demanding to nurse all day long.

You know what? She naps just fine for the babysitter. After a few days she stopped asking her to nurse and was drinking juice and water out of a sippy cup (still won't take cow's milk, though). She's 20 months now and recently we had our first night away from her. She stayed with her regular babysitter and did just fine. Jess said she stirred a few times and settled back to sleep with a few shushes. I was so jealous! She hasn't slept through the night for me since she was 6 weeks old!

Slightly off-topic suggestion: if you want to move her out of your bed before weaning, you might try a mattress on the floor. Bug would never sleep in a crib, but now I just lie down next to her, nurse her down, and roll away, back to my own bed. Sometimes I fall asleep next to her, and sometimes she ends up in our bed by morning, but she's used to her own bed now and will sleep solo for the first part of the night at least.

[Nutmeg]

Good luck and I agree with everyone else.

No time for specifics but suffice to say my son is a terrible sleeper and when he went to day care I realized two things, one... they aren't me and I don't have to help them figure out how to get him to sleep. And two: They do this all the time. Every kid has a special way mommy or daddy puts him down and the day care knows how to do it their way because that's what they do.

I say this as someone who's kid never sleeps, and he just moved out of the infant room and now is expected to take one 2 hour nap all day. on a cot no less. I thought they'd NEVER get him to sleep on a cot. No problem, first day 5 minutes of patting and he was asleep. Of course, there was a length issue that has wrecked havoc on night time. But, I have faith that it will level out by next week and all will be well.

Good luck, relax and know that they do what they do for lots of little babies!!!

[janel]

My son is 8 months old and takes great naps for his sitter (1.5-2 hours), but the longest he'll go when I'm around is 30 minutes. The sitter and I follow the same routine to get him down, so it sort of leaves me scratching my head. I love spending time with him, but as we all know, everyone needs a break now and again. And my understanding is that at his age, he can't picture me when I'm not in the room, so it always leaves me wondering why he gets up so early when I'm there - does he remember that I'm the one who put him down and therefore know that I'll be the one to come into him if he cries?

So, who knows? Maybe your daughter will sleep like a champ for her caregiver and be bright-eyed and rested at the end of your work day.

And FWIW, one thing that helped me when I went back to work was to use my lunch hour to treat myself to things that were hard to do when I was home all day with the baby - retail therapy, manicures, trips to the gym. It doesn't make up for not being home, but it does make the transition a little easier.

[JessA]

Count me on the my-kid-only-naps-well-at-daycare team as well. At home, my son naps for maybe 30 minutes at a time and won't go to sleep unless I nurse him. At daycare, they put him down in the crib and he sleeps for 1-2 hours twice a day! The women there are always confused when I ask if he's napping well - they think of him as a "very good sleeper."

[Cathy]

I was home with La until she was 20 months and went to work outside the home. We had a "nap routine" where we would lay and cuddle for a while (reading stories, watching baby einstein, etc.) then put her in for a nap. I felt pretty similarly about how would they ever get her to nap at school, since she was going to a center and there was no possible way for them to do that with her.

She figured it out. Her naps were not as long at school as they were at home and it meant that the after work time was more cramped because it was important to get the dinner/bath/unwinding/bed stuff done before she was completely nonlinear.

I would be realistic and expect that the first few days might be kind of rough as the toddler and caregiver get used to eachother but that it will work itself out.

[hydrogeek]

I only got 2 months maternity leave (good old USofA!) and spent much of it worried about this. My daughter is now 11 months old and has ALWAYS gone down fine for the babysitter, and still is nursed to sleep for naps and night at home. Beautiful answer Moxie, they don't expect others to be you!

[shirky]

My son is the same age and the same way, but he pops down in his pack and play at daycare and sleeps well for them. at home he will nap with me but I can't leave the room until he's dead asleep, and his amma cannot get him down for love or money because she is FUN MOM and he just squeals with laughter when she's in the room, even while hes rubbing his face and yawning from exhaustion. He definitely behaves differently for all of us.

We have a pack and play at home and he thinks it is full of alligators, i swear, even though it's identical to the daycare one. Hell.

[Rachel]

I have run a dayhome for about 5 years now. Coming from the perspective of a caregiver, I want to assure you that your caregiver and your child will work out their own routine. I talked lots with the parents to find out what the child liked best (ie. need their lovie, white noise, total darkness etc) and then worked out something that was comfortable for the child and doable for me (obviously I can't have 3 kids napping on me a the same time!). Sometimes it took a couple of weeks to get a routine down but we were always able to work something out. I've found that children understand very quickly the difference between their home routine and childcare routine. Even my own kids accepted that we did things differently when Mommy was working and rolled with it (well, most of the time anyway!). Enjoy the rest of your mat leave with your little one. All the best!

[Maureen2]

Hi.. my boys are 2 1/2 and I have to echo what Moxie said. My boys are living proof of that. We have a nanny the boys love and it is really funny to see how the boys are with her when I stay home. They truly have figured out what the routine is with Nanny and what they can/can't get away with with her and then what the routine is with Mom, Dad or Mom & Dad and what that means. We've communicated the important things to us to the Nanny so she's consistent with those things (i.e., we are on board for CIO, but Kay since that is something you don't want to do, you should definitely communicate that to the caregiver) but give her flexibility on the little things.

My boys nap pretty good but that said the way they go down (our rituals - for us at night it is hide n seek, chase and then story time in the chair out in the living room and then go to their cribs and maybe a quick song good night; for the nanny I know it isn't nearly as drawn out) is very different for each of us and the boys know what to expect from each of us.

I'm going to totally guess that the transition will be harder on your than your child.

[trope]

I'm with Lisa in having a little Bug who naps much much better at "baby school" than at home. They put him down for two naps a day, without his swaddler, and I honestly don't know how they do it. I've asked, and our daycare provider just shrugs and says, "We rock him down in about 5 minutes. No biggie." We can rock that child for an HOUR and if he doesn't want to sleep he won't.

I've also watched them work with another child at the baby school (I have that enviable job that allows me to go over and nurse most days at lunch) who has been making a HARD transition to another caregiver. He's 2 and in daycare for the first time, and the first three weeks solid--no joke--he screamed for his mommy. Nothing they did persuaded him to nap, and they had to take him to another room to play during naptime so he wouldn't wake the other kids. They have been very patient, and tried a whole bunch of things, but in the end he had to be the one to just chill out about being at daycare. Now (we are at week 4 or 5) he is quiet sometimes for 30-45 minutes at a stretch, taking a nap of about 1 hour, is playing next to the other kids, and even said goodbye to my baby as we left last night. Kids *do* adjust, and are often far more resilient than we as parents give them credit for. Kay's daughter will adjust at her own pace and in her own way, and if that means no nap for a while, that's okay. Or, she could be a champion sleeper for anyone who's not Kay.

OT: I just stumbled here a few weeks ago, I forget how, and this site has been a lifesaver for me. I really like the community, and so glad I found it! Thank you.

[Carrie]

I'm a stay-at-home mom. My son will NOT go down for naps with me anymore. I just can't make him (he's 25 months). He goes down just fine for my husband when he's home. One day I had a babysitter in and was really worried because I knew he would be a grouchy little tired boy and wouldn't nap. The babysitter said he went and laid down in the bed and was asleep 15 minutes after she arrived. I think I need to hire her to come over for a half hour every afternoon.

[anonymous]

My experience (and my friends') confirms what Moxie says...

I started to work again when my son was 13 months, and he definitely wanted to be nursed for naps at that age. And he would not only nurse for naps, but also ask to nurse whenever he was thirsty, hungry, upset or happy. We took a gradual approach with the sitter, starting with a few hours a day (because I really thought that not only he would not nap but also he would not drink or eat).

Of course sleeping was never an issue (neither were either or drinking for that matter). If the sitter asks if he wants to nap, he says yes (the couple of times I tried, he simply pretended not to hear me), and he's actually _asked_ for naps with her.

I had to switch sitters and he never had issues when changing either.

Make sure you enjoy the last few weeks before going back to work and the special rituals with your child - which are most definitely only yours.

[Helena]

oh yes, I remember being amazed when I finally got the courage to ask my daycare provider how the baby (about 13 months at the time, had been there full time since 7 months) falls asleep each day:

"oh, I just pop her in the crib (a pack and play with a firm mattress) at around the same time as the other kids, she turns over and goes right to sleep".

WTF!!? REALLY?? Now, at 21 months, it's the same thing. Now that she's one of the older ones, she sometimes stays up for 10-15 mins 'chatting' quietly with another kid through the mesh netting. Cute!

This baby still nurses to sleep, and while we have mostly successfully eliminated night and morning feeds (just in the past couple of months), the nighttime one is 100% needed still. On the weekends, she has napped during strolls only (or in the car, if we've rented one). Made for some cold winter days for us, but I'm glad we did it that way. It got us out of the house and worked whomever was home.

[Katy]

Like so many of the other commenters, I have a little one who has found sleeping a challenge. In any other place, I would not confess this, but he only napped in my arms until he was 7 months old! That means that I sat holding him 2-3 times a day just to make sure he got his sleep. He used to always wake at the 30 minute mark, and so if I was holding him, I could rock him back off immediately. (He's also a frequent night-waker, but that's another story.) So fast forward to last month when BJ started daycare at 15 months old. I was terrified that he wouldn't sleep and would be miserable. What do you know? He slept an hour and a half the first day! I asked them what they did and one of the caregivers said that she lay down next to him and patted his back for a while. So there you go - he now consistently naps for 1-2 hours at daycare and also does the same at home. Now if I could just get the daycare teacher to come and get him to sleep through the night!

[Sherry]

I can relate (as I can to almost every post). I spent my whole maternity leave making myself CRAZY about going back to work. No one could put her to sleep but me, right? Because I nursed her to sleep. Still do. Guess this is like when she's a little hungry, she'll be playing happily with her Daddy, then I walk into the room and she starts crying. All her caregivers while I'm at work (Daddy and two grandmammas) have managed to get her to sleep. Sometimes it's easy for them and sometimes hard, but she always goes to sleep eventually.

[Ewokmama]

I was going to say the same thing, Moxie. My son has a different nap routine with me than he does with my husband than he does with the daycare provider. It's usually a battle for us at home and yet the daycare provider just sets him in the pack n play and he goes to sleep by himself. I try not to think about it too much. :P

[Shandra]

Hey we went through this twice.

My son is also a nap-resister and a nurse-to-sleeper. If I am in the house, you can depend that he will insist on the boob.

My nanny gets him to sleep even when I am in the house. She started off doing it in the stroller and then they worked something out. I couldn't even tell you what it is exactly because it is magic to me. She says to him "you're tired," changes his diaper, tucks him onto his couch, and he sleeps right there in the living room. !!!

Then we enrolled him in Montessori and I did NOT see how my little extrovert who will stay up to talk/interact with ANYONE, would ever, ever sleep in a group environment. After one week he just... hears the nap music, does the nap routine, lies down, and goes to sleep. At school. Every day at 12:15.

The bonus is that now at home he will actually say it is nap time and THEN insist upon the boob.

All of which is to say, the nap thing does work out. NOW I know why, when I was a nanny & babysitter & camp counsellor, nap time/rest hour was so smooth. It just - was. It is different between parent and child.

[NotQuiteRural]

Kay--

I went through this when my daughter was 4 months old. She naps exactly like yours: nurse, nap, wake in a half hour to be nursed down again.... I worried and worried and worried for weeks before starting work. I tried to mimic a routine and timing that she would experience with a sitter; I berated myself for making her dependant on the "nipple action"; I stayed up nights stressing out about her naps. (And the fact that she will not drink milk from anything but me--and still won't at nearly 8 months, but that's another story...) And then I started work, and the baby went to the house of a lovely and loving friend who had a baby a month older. And it was everything I feared and more--inconsolable crying for my entire 6-hour shift, no napping, complete exhaustion all afternoon, totally disrupted night sleeping, absolute hell.

Then I switched caregivers to a one-on-one with a woman whose house was quieter and who was willing (able) to walk her around in a stroller or Ergo at the first sign of tiredness. She napped like a charm for the new nanny--in the Pack and Play! for hours at a time! In fact, the baby napped SO well at her house that it kinda pissed me off. Why can't I get her to do that? :-) We joked on weekends about asking Jackie to come over to get the baby to sleep. (Now dad is back to school and taking care of the baby in the morning--and he is developing yet a different way of getting her to sleep...)

Anyway, I think the moral is that Moxie is absolutely right--your child will work out her own way of being with her caregiver. It may take some time, and require some adjustments in the beginning to find the right situation, but it will be OK. It sounds like your daughter is the kind of kid (determined and lovely) who might really thrive on the stimulation someone new provides--mine is.

In retrospect, I wish I hadn't forced a new routine on myself or stressed about the "put down in crib awake" thing, and just enjoyed the last couple weeks at home, snuggling.

[julie]

I ditto the comments above saying your child will react differently to people other than you. Let your daycare worker figure it out. In fact, I caution you to let him/her know it might be an issue to be worked out.......creating preconcieved ideas of trouble before there actually is any. Kids live up to our expectations. Always. If we expect there to be trouble, there will be. If we expect things to go smoothly, sometimes that is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes.

A friend of mine has a son who would not nap unless they put him in the car and drove him around. When he started preschool they sat on the edge of their seats waiting for the phone call saying "You need to do something about your son's napping!" It never came. When she asked them how he was sleeping at naptime they were surprised and said he napped just fine. No troubles. So kids know who they can manipulate (always mom and sometimes dad) and who they can't. And they know that daycare workers just don't care as much whether the kids sleep or not, so it's not such a high stakes game. So why bother?

Good luck!!!

[Megan]

Not exactly what you've asked for, but a tip that might help -- until the last month my daughter was exactly the same way with naps; she'd only take them if I was right next to her.

What worked for us was that I ran across a suggestion in a book that said that if you're trying to adjust nap routines, start by working on bedtime. Skills they learn at bedtime are easier to apply to naps than vice versa; naptime is the hardest one to sleeptrain. So we focused on getting her to go down to sleep on her own at bedtime, which took a few days. Shortly after she mastered that, she was able to get herself to sleep in a crib at naptime too.

So - give it a try adjusting bedtime routines if you're hoping to affect naptime routines too.

[Amy]

Ditto to all the comments. Getting baby to sleep at daycare is not your responsibility. If she's going to someone with experience, they will work it out. I'm still nursing #3 who "needs" to nurse for naps with me, but prefers just a pacifier and rocking with my MIL (who keeps him while I work)... no milk in the equation. But this method does not work for dad (aaah, dad can't find a method that does work... which sucks for me). When he starts daycare after the new year, I will expect them to come up with a plan to get him to sleep that works for them.

[Jess]

This topic is timely for me too. I've made myself nuts about E.'s naps for basically his whole life (I wish I had never, ever read Weissbluth... I could burn it, but the whole "your kid will be a.d.d. in kindergarten if he doesn't sleep 4 hours a day on schedule as a baby" thing is forever etched onto my brain). E. is really resistant to taking naps (too much to see and do!), and at almost 8 months will sometimes go through a whole day on nothing more than one 45 minute nap! We've compensated with a very early bedtime and luckily he sleeps long and well at night (usually, knock on wood).

At daycare they can get him to sleep as well or better than I can (he's still not a big napper) but with way less effort and in a room full of distractions (if it's with me it's got to be a quiet, dark room and the boob; alternatively sometime he'll konk out in the ergo when we're on a walk). What really makes me crazy is that when his other, occasional babysitter comes over on the odd weekend afternoon, she can get him down with a few minutes of patting and he'll sleep for an HOUR. An hour! (For him, that's a long nap... usually he's up after 30-40 minutes.)

Moxie, your advice is, as usual, brilliant-- and hearing from others with the same challenge is so, so reassuring! Yay for this blog!

[caramama]

The Pumpkin naps just as erratically for my mom (who watches her during the day) as she does for me. The putting her down routines are different, and do work overall, but my little girl will only nap if she is totally TIRED! For me, she will only be nursed to sleep. My husband can rock her. My mom gives her the bottle and rocks a bit. So it's definitely true that the babies will adjust depending on who is taking care of them.

But I did not have one of the stories in which my baby miraculously started taking regular, long naps for someone else. And that's okay too. We are a bit flexible with her bedtime to take into account days with short naps or only one nap.

Also, I second the person who said to make sure you tell your daycare person that you are not comfortable with CIO. In my mom's time, this was a suggested method, and she was also used to my neice who has no problem napping. So once or twice she told me she let her "fuss" for a bit. I sat down and told her a bit of "fussing" is okay, but we are not comfortable with CIO. But this is tough for her watching two kids, so that is when I had to relent my expectations about the Pumpkin always getting regular naps.

This was one of the hardest things for me. I can't watch my kid all day and make sure everything is exactly the way I want it to be. But my mom is really wonderful with my daughter, and she has her own great relationship with her. I know she is being taken care of really well. I just had to figure out what is the most important that I want or don't want my mom to do and what I can be flexible about so that my mom can get through the day.

I hope that makes sense. Good luck! I agree with all the others that you should enjoy the time together before you go back, and try to take comfort in the fact that your day care provider will have a great, special relationship with your child--they will figure it out!

[Miranda]

My 16-month-old son HAS to nurse to sleep if I'm around. But at daycare they have a little routine in which each child gets a new diaper and into their pyjamas (yes, in the middle of the day!) and then they all lie down in their cots and magically go to sleep.

I worried about this too, but the teachers assured me it wouldn't be a problem and it hasn't ever been. Kids just react differently to other people. They know who has the functioning breasts. :)

[Caroline]

Rudyinparis is so right - "it's always the anticipation of change that is worse than the actual situation."

We agonized over every change regarding sleep - getting our daughter out of our bed, then getting her into her own room, then (very much later) getting rid of the binky. I mean we dreaded these changes. She, however rolled with it every time and shocked us. You never know.

She was at a co-op daycare from ages 2 to 3, and I learned firsthand there that NONE of the kids have the same nap pattern as they do at home. My daughter would march into the nap room and put herself to bed, as long as I wasn't around. If I was working that shift all hell would break loose and she'd need me to lie with her.

There were loads of kids who I could get to sleep when their own mothers could not. They know the difference, and they tend to take someone else more seriously than their own parent.

And we had one staffer who would work with the really difficult nappers until she got it figured out. And she always got it figured out.

Good luck. She'll be fine.

[Caroline]

Rudyinparis is so right - "it's always the anticipation of change that is worse than the actual situation."

We agonized over every change regarding sleep - getting our daughter out of our bed, then getting her into her own room, then (very much later) getting rid of the binky. I mean we dreaded these changes. She, however rolled with it every time and shocked us. You never know.

She was at a co-op daycare from ages 2 to 3, and I learned firsthand there that NONE of the kids have the same nap pattern as they do at home. My daughter would march into the nap room and put herself to bed, as long as I wasn't around. If I was working that shift all hell would break loose and she'd need me to lie with her.

There were loads of kids who I could get to sleep when their own mothers could not. They know the difference, and they tend to take someone else more seriously than their own parent.

And we had one staffer who would work with the really difficult nappers until she got it figured out. And she always got it figured out.

Good luck. She'll be fine.

[Mommy-O]

I went through the same thing when my daughter started daycare (2 days a week) at 10 months old. She nursed to sleep both at bedtime and naptime and we co-slept too so I was worried about the transition to a daycare centre and had visions that she wouldn't nap and would keep all the other kids awake too.

Of course it worked out fine. The routine for nap time was so different at the daycare than at home (they slept in cribs with music playing) and she quickly learned their routine. It was nice to know the teachers would cuddle, rock or pat the back of any kids that were having trouble settling and they were completely used to dealing with kids coming from different sleep arrangements.
I also thought that the change in routine may lead to my daughter weaning but she continued to nurse until she was 2 1/2 years old.

[Charisse]

Just more confirmation--Mouse had to nurse down with me, and in fact stopped napping at home entirely when she weaned at 2 years. For her dad, it had to be the stroller or the car...but when she started fulltime care at 8 months, the caregiver was able to put her down just fine with some patting.

She always slept at her toddler daycare too, even when she'd gotten to the point where she didn't need the nap and it would mess up her night sleep to take one.

So...it will be OK.

[Karen]

My son, who breastfeeds to sleep with me, has distinct styles of going to sleep with three other caregivers. Each caregiver has established their own routine with him. Best to you in this big transition. I've been in differing circumstances throughout (my son is now 2) and find that I eventually get into a groove with it all. Be kind to yourself through this time!

[kay]

thanks, very sincerely, for all your encouragement and advice. you all are such a fabulous, kind group, and moxie, your words make me feel like goose will be fine. which she will. i'm probably the one who will actually need to buck up.... maria, your comment brought tears to my eyes. i'm so grateful this site exists, that moms are extending themselves to others so openly and generously. thanks again....

[Jen in Redwood City, CA]

Little guy is almost 10 mos now and still bf'ing. He has never had any problems going to nap with other people, like dad, grandma, grandpa, or part-time nanny, and each of these people has their own way of getting him down for a nap. Have faith! Your child will adjust and maybe even enjoy a little novelty.

[Simone]

I totally agree with Moxie! To that end, I am thinking that you trying to set a new routine for the care provider may not even work, because as Moxie said, your daughter KNOW you are you. In other words, your daughter may perfectly be willing to sleep however she needs to without you, since you simply aren't there. No nipple? OK, how else can I get to sleep. Oh! Soothing music? Sure? I'm making all that up, but my point is kids sometimes tend to pull things with parents because, well, they know they can. So I say keep doing what works for you, and let the day care person figure out what works for the two of them. Best of luck to you!!

[Sara]

My son is 18 months and has been in daycare since 7 months. Before he started, he only napped the way you describe your daughter - nursed down to sleep on our bed. When he was in the "baby room" he refused to sleep in a crib, but slept well in the stroller. At home, he now sleeps well in a stroller but refuses to sleep in his crib. When he moved to the toddler room several months ago, I was convinced it would be a disaster, but after 2 days he was sleeping with all the other toddlers on a cot, and has ever since.

My experience is that kids will do things for other people that they won't do for you, and that other people (especially child care professionals) are often able to get your child to adapt to a new routine much more easily than you can.

And now we're considering buying a daycare-style cot so we can stop strolling him around for a 2 hour nap in the middle of winter!

[Carmen]

No time to read the comments since I'm at work but thought I'd add my two cents.

My 8 mo son used to only go to sleep for me at night: rocking, nursing roll onto tummy in crib. He would then wake up a couple hours later and end up in bed with me. We either napped together or I did the nurse/roll-away thang. This worked from months 5 to 6:) Before that he would ONLY sleep with me at night and on me for naps. The babysitter he had from months 3-5 did some version of CIO which led to great naps for her but me switching babysitters (I could still see the tear-stains on his little cheeks when I picked him up at night!)

I switched jobs and now work evenings so the hubby has the evening shift. He can get the big boy to sleep by feeding him and then walking around singing to him in a dark room. He then wakes up a few hours later to sleep with me the rest of the night. My son WON'T be put in the crib for me. I do the nurse & roll routine and keep him in my bed when I'm home 3 nights a week. For naps, I either nap with him (I need it... he's a constant night waker)or nurse and roll for the morning nap and then he takes an afternoon nap at the babysitter with no bottle! She just rocks him when he gets tired and he goes down for her with lullaby music. He learned by day 3 with her that she can't provide booby so he doesn't need it with her.

Soooo the point is, he goes to sleep for three different people three different ways and we're all fine. It took a few weeks of adjustment for all when I started working evenings but now we're all cool!

Oh and my kid is a persistant cryer who does NOT calm down. He goes from gently fussing to puking up dinner in about 3 minutes flat. Such a drama queen. No CIO here... the doctor suggested it but I'm not kidding... he would persist for HOURS! I don't have the heart or stamina for that. I'd rather cosleep!

Hope that helps!

[Meggan]

I know I'm not the only other one thinking I could have written this letter myself... My 13.5 month old sleeps the same way with me, down to the 30 minute first sleep cycle and nursing back to sleep during naps (I WOH work part-time). But when he's with his Granny, he naps for 2-2.5 hours at a time. Oh yeah, and we cosleep so he night nurses too, 2-3x a night, every night except one- I left him with my mom for an overnight two months ago. He only woke up once and went right back to sleep. I, however, was two hours away lying awake in a hotel room worrying. Go figure.

I think they realize pretty quickly that when we're not around, the milk source isn't either, so they adjust accordingly. Good luck.

[Susannah]

I have three words: schedule, schedule, schedule.

With four different people putting B down for naps, we all struggled until we got on the same schedule. Now we have five happy people.

[Anon]

Yep, we were the same. My little man had to nurse to sleep with me, but as soon as he started childcare, he was fine with them. He also didn't drink very much expressed milk while he was there, but now, we've weaned, he's drinking cows milk, and that seems to be fine out of a cup. It seems he just didn't expect the same things from the childcare staff as he did from me. I hope it works out well for you :)