More holiday brouhaha

Because I just can't stop, and I'm away on a business trip, so why not.

Anyone want to start a conversation about Santa? I wrote this post last year about it. Basically, we don't really make a big deal about Santa, so what I've told my older son is that Santa is a fun game that grown-ups and kids play at Christmas time. That way there's no "truth" vs. "secret" aspect of it, he won't spill it to other kids, no problems with his non-Christian friends, and we have no conflicts by seeing a billion different Santas on the street.

And here's a lovely question from Amy:

"Since you're talking about holiday gifts this week, do you have any recommendations about what to give your daycare provider? Or if it's even appropriate to give gifts? My daughter goes to a group daycare where she has two primary care givers, but many more caregivers rotate in and out through the day. Also, my daughter was recently diagnosed as having cerebral palsy  and I really appreciate the extra attention they've been giving her at the daycare so I'd love to show my gratitude somehow."

Hmm. I think for babysitters/nannies, the rule is a week's pay at the new year. And I know that in preschool, we collected and gave each of the teachers a cash card and a handmade thank-you card from each kid.

But a daycare center with multiple caregivers, I do not know about. I also suspect it may be regional. Everyone, what do you do, and where do you live (generally)? Also, if you are a daycare provider or teacher, please tell us if there's anything you don't like to receive, since no one wants to give things that aren't appreciated.

Also, if you're renting a car on business, the Chevy HHR has enormous blind spots that make it hard to drive.

Comments

[Rosemary Grace]

First: I love hedra! I want to read your dissertation when you're done!

My husband and I are atheists who enjoy Celtic and neo-pagan traditions and mythology. He was raised catholic, I was raised a-spiritual atheist in a household where we celebrated Christmas. Not that my parents aren't spiritual in their own way, but the whole atmosphere was that superstition and non rational belief in God/Goddess/Fate/Karma/intelligent entities guiding our lives were a waste of time. Yet we still had Santa and the tooth fairy and the easter bunny, because those are fun family traditions.

We're going to do the same: Christmas as a family celebration, Christmas pudding and mince pies are very important winter traditions to me, the train set and model village around the base of the tree is very important to my husband. We both realize it's a bit odd calling it CHRISTmas in this case, so we may call it Yule, my suggestion to nick the name Winterfair from Lois Bujold's novels was shot down...

[Jamie]

Hedra, I am really grateful to you for taking a shot at this from the academic's perspective. My wife's thesis was on cultural pluralism, cumulative authorship and copyright so she has been sitting in her office all day just chafing at the bit to throw in on this issue and now you've done a great job of it. We're with you on this one.

[Foster]

I decided years ago that I didnt want to tell my kids about Santa b/c it is a lie. Dh is even more adamant about it than I am. Last year, I really liked the idea of explaining it to our children as a game that some people like to play, but we dont, and dh flat out said NO. He said we are telling them that Santa is not real and it is a made up story that people tell to children. He vividly remembers feeling tricked by his parents about Santa/Bunny/Tooth Fairy. The "way we will get around this" is just by not telling them about Santa. By the time they are old enough to ask what the Santa decorations around the stores are, they will have already lived without the story, no big deal. My mother thinks we are nuts and is planning to tell them about Santa. I told her that if she does, I will tell the kids to their faces that she is lying to them, period. I plan on doing something w/ the St. Nicholas tradition, as we are v v religious, but they will know that every gift comes from us.

I work at a daycare, and really, truly, bless all of you wonderful gift-givers!! In the past two Christmases, I have received ONE gift from a parent. ONE. Last year, I had parents who I thought *for sure* would bring *something* (including one who was a co-worker!) but nope, I got nothing, and I was the lead teacher. They did bring in treats for the other kids, though (wtf???). I would say, if your child has floater staff, dont worry about it. Im a closer, so I have 4 boys who I watch for 5 - 15 minutes each. I am, of course, the person their parents see, but I in no way expect anything. That is for their classroom teachers. Our rooms all have 2 - 3 teachers each. Imo, your childs regular teachers are the ones who get the gifts. I think gift certificates in a card is perfect (next to cash, of course, but I dont think we are allowed to accept cash where I work). Blockbuster, movie theatre, Starbucks, McDonalds, Target, local grocery store, ANYTHING. I do also enjoy food gifts. Heck, this year, Id be willing to accept anything!

[hedra]

Well, my thesis was only tangentially related - The title was Geographic Code-Switching in Chinatown, Philadelphia PA, and had to do with using traditional chinese aesthetic measures to identify the boundaries of a space to members of that community. I didn't go in depth into the cultural continuity issue, though I addressed it in the introduction, IIRC.

M wants me to type m's for a moment, hang on. M M M M M M oh, and some R's for R: R R R R R R R R. That's better. Yes, she's up at 4 AM this morning.

Foster: As for the absolute treating Santa as a lie, I end up uncomfortable with that (as a concept, due to personal experience, not directly regarding your family's approach, just triggered something), as uncomfortable as I do with those who treat it as TRUTH for younger kids (followed by a shocking blow for some). I have a friend who is likewise minded, who was really hurt by the lie aspect. But on exploration, it was more that his needs for concrete reality and profound spirituality were BOTH violated by the Santa-is-REAL/Ha!-fooled-ya! approach. Neither approach to me takes into consideration the personality and needs of the child, and is more parent-centric, 'fixing' the wounds the parents had as children by applying a philosophical bandage. Just as the absolute refusal to do princess stuff because of the parent's issues with princesses/feminism/etc. can be a huge battle (that is hard to win!), if the underlying need of the child isn't addressed. If a No Santa family ends up with a child like my eldest, who thrives on fantasy and imagination, or one like my neice who has a powerful social networking and cohesion drive, it could end up making for some unhappiness and a lot of conflict between parents and child, just like happens with kids who need to know concrete reality or have a profound spiritual sense are wounded by insistance on Santa whether it meets the child's needs or no. Not that these cannot be worked around effectively without violating EITHER parent's or child's needs, but what I see in my friend is that he's so wounded by his parents' utter misreading of his needs, that he cannot comprehend *meeting* his child's needs if they conflict with what his needs were as a child. I suspect he'll get there eventually, but it will be a struggle. Basically, I do strongly believe that the drive to imagine and participate in the community culture CAN be met without bringing Santa in WHATSOEVER, but it's important to realize that for some kids some effort is required. And Foster, I don't think you were planning to deny your kids needs, *at all* - but this may also help you understand why some people INSIST that they MUST foist Santa on your kids, as they feel you are somehow not meeting those underlying needs for fantasy, magic, awe, community particpation, etc., etc. - maybe you'll be able to explain it better and have less resistance if you take these points to them, too? Sorry to leap on this right after your post, it just reminded me of something I've been wanting to say about that path, a pitfall I've seen there that can easily be avoided with a little care.

[paola]

I really did want to respond to some of the comments earlier, but just can't always be at the computer.

I am also a non believer but grew up catholic and live in a catholic country and so I will have to definitely do some explaining later on about regarding Christmas and Easter and what 'some people' believe.

Hopefully my kids won't ask me too soon what I believe because how can I tell them I really just don't. still have a few years before I have to tackle that one. I plan to use that response for Santa too at a later date: it's something 'some people' believe in. For now though it's just fun.

[hedra]

Foster, I was thinking about your comment, and I had two further thoughts that might be useful for negotiating the grandparent-and-holiday process.

1) If your mother did Santa with you, she may 'read' your family unit's rejection of Santa as judgement of her parenting. Make sure you create as much common ground as you can, lest you cause a rift that is hard to repair. My recommendation: "You raised us in that time, and thought about what was best for us given what was going on in the world and what you felt was important. I'm so proud/honored/glad to be able to follow so clearly in your footsteps, by doing just the same - working with my husband to forge our own traditions, in the world we live in, based on what we feel is important. I know we'll make some mistakes in this process, and we'll do our best to make up for them, just as every good parent does. I really hope you can respect our efforts to be true to the heart of how we were raised, and let us feel our own way into how we raise our kids." (or something like that) If you want to help molify her further, you can co-opt her urge to 'teach about the cultural christmas' by asking her if she could please bring her particular talents (whatever they may be) to bear on the St. Nicholas side - buy books about St. Nicholas, or help research charities that serve the poor in a similar manner as St. Nicholas, so that you can put 'hands and feet' on your beliefs WITH HER HELP. Mainly, I think grandparents want a job, with clear rules and assignments, and then a little freedom to pursue those tasks in their own way. We asked my mom if she would please take on the job of providing 'Enchantment' in my kids lives - I would be providing rules, discipline, order, religious teaching (though she being a minister, is also involved in that), etc., etc., and Enchantment was something I felt I'd lack time and focus for. If you find something like that to offer her, and let her run with it - even if it is 'exploring art and music' or 'understanding history' or 'home crafts like baking and sewing or gardening' - whatever might light her up, it gives such a great way for them to 'serve' their grandkids, and allows you full limits and boundaries as well. Granted, that's presuming she will play along.

2) Caution on the 'we won't even tell them that Santa is a game some families play - it is a LIE/False/'story' that they make up'... um. Really? Would you feel okay if I told my kids that Jesus is a story people made up? Wouldn't it be a little offensive if my kids told your kids on the playground that Jesus was a lie, just a story? Honor the intent of OTHER families, even if your DH's family was rotten, it doesn't mean that everyone's is. At the very least, spread the idea across more methods - 'some people beleive but we don't' and 'we let them believe their things, and hope that they respect our beliefs as well' seem to me less fraught with social peril, and smack a bit less of superiority and arrogance. Your DH's heart is in the right place - he wants to spare the pain he felt, the humiliation, shame, and fury. However, those were HIS feelings, and he needs to deal with them himself. This doesn't mean he needs to change what he teaches your kids, only, perhaps, consider HOW he's teaching it, and perhaps what else he's teaching along with it that he might not be intending to teach, just from the style of the approach. I really do feel for him, too. The betrayal he must have felt is enormous.

I hope you don't mind my advice/suggestions - I will also note that I understand they are totally unsolicited, and therefore they may be entirely unwelcome. I put them out there only in the off-chance that talking about them together you and your DH may find it easier to deal with others who don't feel the way you do - whether that's by solidifying your position, or softening it.

[Moxie]

Foster, how are you going to deal with the questions about why other kids' parents lie to them? Because by establishing such a black-and-white position, your husband is setting up the parents who do participate in Santa as being cruel. I'm not sure that's his intent.

[Charisse]

Hedra, as a veteran of "religion is a lie" upbringing within a pretty heavily Christian community, I can attest to the truth of what you're saying. I took a LOT of crap on the playground that really wasn't necessary if I'd been given a less extreme way to explain my family's non-religious way of life. Ironically, one of the ways I backtracked was to loudly profess my belief in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and other secular magical beings who were OK in my house (though I already knew the magical world wasn't "real").

FWIW, I'm still an atheist with a love of the human spirit. The way I now think of it is that I inhabit a world without gods; many of my friends inhabit overlapping worlds that do have one or more gods, and that's great. Those worlds are no less real, and we need to respect not just others' beliefs but the actual reality of those different worlds. (A college friend that I sadly lost over a religious discussion did me the grace of pointing out that "I respect that you believe that" is not the same as "I accept that god is present to you".) The paths of spirit and the values of sharing, gratitude, and joy that belong to the xmas/yule celebration are not religion-specific. I kind of like the way Mouse's preschool puts it in their brochure: we celebrate every holiday we know of and are always glad to hear of others celebrated in our community--because celebration is fun and life affirming. Period.

Santa-wise, I grew up with him and so will Mouse. :)

[hedra]

"(A college friend that I sadly lost over a religious discussion did me the grace of pointing out that "I respect that you believe that" is not the same as "I accept that god is present to you".)"

Charisse, what a gift they gave you with that parting.

[Maria]

I try to emphasize the idea of Santa as "the STORY is…" as well, in an effort to duck the responsibility for either lying or being a spoilsport. It's really tough to avoid the acculturation though, when bank tellers ask the kid if she's 'been good' and grocery store clerks ask if she's asked Santa for lots of toys.

I'm hoping to have a less materialistic, more home comfort kind of Christmas this year, but I'm having a hard time fighting my own acculturation and the accumulation of 37 years of feeling pressure about presents. And let's face it: I like presents. I like choosing them, wrapping them, giving them – and receiving them and opening them. It's a line I'm learning to walk. Not sure how it's going to go this year.

[Shandra]

Late back to the discussion. But on the topic of non-Christians and Christmas (which has been so wonderfully covered) I just wanted to say that although I am not a Christian, I definitely believe in Christianity - meaning that I believe it is a deep and rich tradition with a lot of meaning and things to teach the world. Using Charisse's example I totally get that God is present to Christians.

I just cannot sign up to that specific expression myself, for various reasons.

Since my heritage is Christian on one side of the family and my husband is Catholic, it makes sense that we would celebrate it, but we do cherry-pick our traditions a bit. Mass is up to my husband, but I'll cheerfully go if he wants.

Our daycare staff is about 30% Muslim and not sure about the rest since they aren't wearing helpful traditional dress, so really not sure what to do there, although my son has come home with some pre-Christmas art. So I think I will be direct and ask.

[woodenmask]

I heard once that if he is lucky, a man goes through three stages in his life:
- He believes in Santa
- He does not believe in Santa
- He becomes Santa

I like that. I don't know if you have to go through the first two steps to hit the last one, but that's where we're headed with our son.

[Liz]

At our son's first daycare, we would give the Harry & David's tower of treats to the whole staff, since most of them rotated in at one point or another and his primary teachers were observant muslims. I gave nice cards to his primary teachers at Ramadan, along with a dessert for them to eat when breaking the fast.

[Chrissy]

Childhood is magical. Lest you rip it away.

Is There a Santa Claus?
From the Editorial Page of The New York Sun, written by Francis P. Church, September 21, 1897

We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:

"Dear Editor--I am 8 years old.
"Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
"Papa says, 'If you see it in The Sun, it's so.'
"Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O'Hanlon
115 West Ninety-fifth Street
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the scepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no child-like faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

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[WholesaleShoescn]

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We are a trade and manufacturing company of brand name sport productions in China,Our main productions are:Jordan,Nike shoes;Lv,Prada bags;Jeans(evisu jeans.rmc short.);Sunglasses hat etc We insists that " SAFETY+ QUALITY+FAST DELIVERY+ GOOD PRICE = PERMANENT CUSTOMER".With high-standard quality, fastest delivery and satisfied service and reasonable price for you.
Welcome to visit our website: http://www.wholesaleshoescn.com If you are interested in our production pls don't hesitate to contact us.
our site: http://www.wholesaleshoescn.com
our e-mail: wholesaleshoescn99@hotmail.com and wholesaleshoescn99@yahoo.com.cn
Thank you!
Best regards!
China Factory Wholesale Cheap:Air Jordans Sneakers,Air Force 1s Shoes,Dunks,Shox,Max,Adidas,Puma,
Brand Hoodies,Timberland Shoes,Jeans,Bags,Including Custom in www.wholesaleshoescn.com

Dear friend:
We are a trade and manufacturing company of brand name sport productions in China,Our main productions are:Jordan,Nike shoes;Lv,Prada bags;Jeans(evisu jeans.rmc short.);Sunglasses hat etc We insists that " SAFETY+ QUALITY+FAST DELIVERY+ GOOD PRICE = PERMANENT CUSTOMER".With high-standard quality, fastest delivery and satisfied service and reasonable price for you.
Welcome to visit our website: http://www.wholesaleshoescn.com If you are interested in our production pls don't hesitate to contact us.
our site: http://www.wholesaleshoescn.com
our e-mail: wholesaleshoescn99@hotmail.com and wholesaleshoescn99@yahoo.com.cn
Thank you!
Best regards!

[www.wholesaleshoescn.com]

China Factory Wholesale Cheap:Air Jordans Sneakers,Air Force 1s Shoes,Dunks,Shox,Max,Adidas,Puma,
Brand Hoodies,Timberland Shoes,Jeans,Bags,Including Custom in www.wholesaleshoescn.com

Dear friend:
We are a trade and manufacturing company of brand name sport productions in China,Our main productions are:Jordan,Nike shoes;Lv,Prada bags;Jeans(evisu jeans.rmc short.);Sunglasses hat etc We insists that " SAFETY+ QUALITY+FAST DELIVERY+ GOOD PRICE = PERMANENT CUSTOMER".With high-standard quality, fastest delivery and satisfied service and reasonable price for you.
Welcome to visit our website: http://www.wholesaleshoescn.com If you are interested in our production pls don't hesitate to contact us.
our site: http://www.wholesaleshoescn.com
our e-mail: wholesaleshoescn99@hotmail.com and wholesaleshoescn99@yahoo.com.cn
Thank you!
Best regards!
China Factory Wholesale Cheap:Air Jordans Sneakers,Air Force 1s Shoes,Dunks,Shox,Max,Adidas,Puma,
Brand Hoodies,Timberland Shoes,Jeans,Bags,Including Custom in www.wholesaleshoescn.com

Dear friend:
We are a trade and manufacturing company of brand name sport productions in China,Our main productions are:Jordan,Nike shoes;Lv,Prada bags;Jeans(evisu jeans.rmc short.);Sunglasses hat etc We insists that " SAFETY+ QUALITY+FAST DELIVERY+ GOOD PRICE = PERMANENT CUSTOMER".With high-standard quality, fastest delivery and satisfied service and reasonable price for you.
Welcome to visit our website: http://www.wholesaleshoescn.com If you are interested in our production pls don't hesitate to contact us.
our site: http://www.wholesaleshoescn.com
our e-mail: wholesaleshoescn99@hotmail.com and wholesaleshoescn99@yahoo.com.cn
Thank you!
Best regards!

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