Q&A: Must I answer every "Why?" my toddler asks?

Paige writes:

"I have a son who will be 3 at the end of November (and a daughter who will be one a few days later, if it matters), and we have, in the last two weeks, entered the "Why?" phase. I could elaborate with examples, but he's screaming from his time out spot on the bottom step, and I can't think straight.

Anyway, my question:

Must I answer every "why?" with a straight-faced, truthful answer. And if not, what do I say?

For example: "Sam, please don't push the garbage can across the floor."

"Why?"

Pause. My impulse, I admit, is to tell him because I said so and be done with it. But I hated that answer, so I told him it would scratch the floor.

"Why?"

Pause. Think. "Because metal is harder than wood." Thankfully, he didn't ask why to that.

This uses more energy than I have after about 10 a.m."

Then she goes on to make some explanations for why she's a little "edgy" and that makes her not want to not answer questions just because she's not in the mood.

Ha. Of course she's a little edgy, with a three-year-old and a one-year-old. No explanation necessary, for sure. And I'm not sure if there's any stage that beats the "why?" stage for pure annoyance, in that stick-a-pencil-through-your-eye kind of way. It would be worth it if they were actually learning things from all those bogus questions, but that's not really what's happening at this stage.

I think there are definitely questions that should be answered. "Why is the sky blue?" or "Why do we recycle?" or "Where did Pop-Pop go when he died?" fall into that camp for me. But I also think there are times that three-year-olds ask "why?" repeatedly just to annoy you, or as kind of a verbal tick. It's not actually helping them to answer all of these whys seriously, and it's sure as hell not helping the adults to have to answer each one seriously. (Think about how many more fun things you could be doing with the time you spend answering or fuming about those extraneous whys*.)

For the annoying whys, it may be best to adopt a stance that puts yourself in the position of being rubber instead of glue, so you have a few answers that bounce the question off you and back to the kid. You could use the tried-and-true answers: "Because I'm the mother." "Because I said so." "To make you ask questions."

Or you could try to simultaneously discourage the child from asking why because it makes it more challenging for them and also turn it into a learning experience by asking them "Why do you think?" in a serious manner and wait for a reply.

Or you could go surreal on them and see if they're really paying attention by answering with something nonsensical: "Because monkeys have purple tails."

Or you could just ship the three-year-old off to his grandmother's house and let her deal with it for six months.

Any other thoughts?

* Wouldn't The Extraneous Whys be a good name for a retro synth-pop band?

Comments

[Brooke]

Re: your footnote. I no longer think, "That would be a cool band name." Now I think, "That would be a cool board book title." Any little tiny bit of cool I ever had? Gone.

[Shandra]

Augh I am so with you. My son is in this phase too... at 26 mos, which I think officially makes it a cry for attention rather than a need for information.

I told my husband we are going to have to change our stance on religious education just so I can say "because God said so."

I vary it, but my fall back is "why do you think?" just like Moxie said. Sometimes we both do explain it though... although one day I caught my husband saying the sun goes around the Earth! Back to the Catholic thing, c. 1600! :)

[Maria]

My 3.5 yr old is still in the "why?" phase. Arg. I've tried turning it around on him, but he just turns it back around to me (No, Mama, I want to know what YOU think!). He's on to my tricks. I swear, living with this kid is like living in a Monty Python skit.

[Rachel]

I remember reading somewhere that "why?" is actually a request to talk about a topic more than an actual request for explanation. I think the example given was for a child asking "why" about not being able to have a piece of cake, and how you could say, "I like cake, too. My favorite is chocolate, but carrot cake is good too. We'll take this cake to grandma's tonight. What kind of cake do you like?" The idea is that the child is really saying "tell me more about my world."

I only have a 10-month-old, though, so I have no idea if this really works.

[caramama]

I love Moxie's suggestions!

I remember back when I used to babysit kids this age. I would give them a teasing look and ask them "Why not?" immediately after they asked "Why?" We'd keep going back and forth a little bit, and we'd all end up giggling. But I had more energy then...

[sweetisu]

Brooke, that's hilarious. :-) I think you're still cool, if not anything, the humor is more than sufficient.

Our 2 and 4 yr olds are the prime examples of WHYS around here. One will imitate the other and before you know it, we could have written 5 volumes on All That I Need to Know As a Toddler. My husband is more patient and explain most if not everything they ask, while I do use the "because I said so" or "why do you think" more often. And the kids really do catch on early about who will go the extra length to answering their WHYS.

My 4 yr old sometimes asks the same questions within a 5 or 10 minute span. I can certainly be more forgiving if he's 2 and not 4 yrs old..

So, about when does this stage end? (meaning, when will they start asking "why" to really mean wanting an answer, a real answer instead of just asking)

[Shauna]

I feel like "because mama says so" is sort of a cop out. I try to give simple, honest answers, sometimes incorporating the answer to the next anticipated question.

Countering with "why do you think?" works well for me right now, but I suspect that it won't for long.

[enu]

"Let's go look it up; I'll help you"
----Mom, the Reference Librarian
bwaaahaaahaaa

[Marmalade]

I tend to ask "what do you mean by why?" as why is a catch all for my 2year 9month old. Often it makes him rephrase his question making it clear to me what he wants to know rather than me guessing. Answering his real question rather than the random "why?" gets rid of the other ten whys he would otherwise probably ask me.

I also find it is a good alternative to "why do you think?" as often he doesn't have an answer to that one. That's why he was asking the question in the first place.

[Cathy]

"I don't know - It just works out that way." is my response when I'm done. Or, "Why don't you check with your dad." Or when it's a good question that I honestly don't know the answer to (Why do they call it a lieberry?) I'll say that we'll look it up when we get home.

Also, I am sorely tempted to give mischief answers - that the moon is made of green cheese and that the way the electric gate at our old apartment worked was that there was a short person who lived in the box next to it and waited for the remote signals then pushed the button to open the gate. I was always surprised when I heard the stories again from my step-son.

[Allison]

Enu - YES.

My dh is a scientist, and any "why" question dd asks is answered in a completely earnest, often way-over-hear-head kind of way. Heck, often we're telling her why things work the way they do even before she asks!

Oddly, Maya isn't big on "why" (yet, at least, at 3yrs, 1mo). Instead, she wants something, and I find myself asking HER why. "Why do you want ______?" "Why are you sad (or happy or whatever)?" The times she actually answers me, I'm sometimes stunned at her insight.

Guess that means that my answer is, answer the why as much as you can, with as much detail, until you bore them so thoroughly that they stop asking.

[AmyinMotown]

We're just entering this now, and I usually say "why do you think?" although I am absoutely incorporating "To make you ask questions" into my repertoire. I want her to know it's OK and good to ask, but for the love of GOD it's also good to shut up sometimes.

[Meg]

When we went through this with my stepdaughter, I'd give her serious answers for the first round or two, then distract her.

"Why?"
"Hey, could you sing me a song?" or "Let's talk about things we like. I like macaroni!" etc.

We also were able to say, "That's enough questions for now," and get away with it half the time. I realize that's not always the case, but it's worth a shot.

[Eva]

My dad used to answer honestly until he got tired, and then he would make silly answers. I had to learn over time to detect the silly answers (a good skill! a bullshit meter!) and then I would know the game was over and we'd start goofing around instead.

[Jan]

This is making me crazy right now, too. I'm pretty patient with verbal stuff (I save my total irritation for things like SLAMMING DOORS -- total pet peeve), but lately my 3 1/2 year old asks why in situations that why is not even an appropriate question. Then I'm stumped.

I totally agree that it's not necessarily really a request for the specific information (why), but it can be a number of things (request for that specific information, request for more information, request to engage with her, habit) and I'm right there with AmyinMotown in that "I want her to know it's OK and good to ask, but for the love of GOD it's also good to shut up sometimes."

I've started coming out with, "I'm not answering why questions anymore right now." Straightforward, to the point. Followed by (if I can stand it) "let's talk about something else".

Of course, you know what her response to that is, don't you?

You guessed it: "Why, Mommy?"

[Nell]

Having figured out that a lot of the time when he asked "why" our almost 3 yo was looking for more conversation, or just talking for the sake of talking, my husband sat him down and explained the difference between "real whys" (when he really does want to know the answer to something) and "pretend whys" (just talking). Now when it seems that he is just why-ing for the sake of chatter, we ask if it is a real why or a pretend why. He knows the difference, and we're answering fewer questions. He's filled the void, though, and the constant chatter nearly kills me sometimes.

[julie]

When all else fails and I'm feeling like I need a break I say, "I need some time to think about it......why don't you go draw a picture of what you think the reason is, and then we can talk about it."

you can buy yourself some time and hopefully get them thinking about something else.

[Charisse]

I guess I must be in the scientist/geek camp--am I the only one that thinks the whys are adorable? Granted, they can go on a little long, but we actually use them as a distraction for more obnoxious behavior. (This is a 3 1/2 year-old for whatever that's worth.) If we can get her off of "but I really WANT to wear slippers to school" and thru "those are the rules...WHY are those the rules? ...so children's feet don't get cold...but WHY will they get cold?...and eventually onto "why is the ground cold" then it gets fun. And it's really amusing to hear her tell us later about how the sun isn't out at night, so everything cools off--yeah (nodding seriously), it does, mommy.

We do try to get her to ask whole questions--so "why what?" is a response that gets used a lot. And sometimes "why do you think" if we think she can puzzle it out. Then again, I'm thinking maybe the full-time preschool helps too--it's just not as many hours.

[Cathy]

Ditto on the "Why what?" or "What do you mean, Why?" to get the question narrowed down.

[En]

I'm actually looking forward to the "whys". But thanks for all the tips as to when it gets too much ya'll. I'm in the pointing phase and he gets to see how well I know what a certain object is, truck, bus,car, etc etc (23 months old), and if I'm lucky it'll get repeated sometimes. Can't wait for some actual conversation. But perhaps by then I'll be tearing my hair out too I guess. We'll see.

[Joy]

I think it's kind of a reflex or habit at this stage... they really don't want to know the reason, it's just something they've learned to say in response to you. Try playing the 'Okay Game'. "Today", you announce enthusiastically, "the word to use over and over is 'okay'. When I say something, you say 'okay'."

And maybe even offer a little sticker or something every time they say it.

That may help to break the habit.

[ALG]

I learned a LOT of stuff by asking my physicist father "why?" all the time as a kid. Sometimes he would know and sometimes we would go together to find a book and look it up. I think my memories of the "whys" are more from the age of five and up, though. I still ask "why" far, far too much for other adults's liking. (I'm 28.) I am a damn good Trivial Pursuit player, though, and I think I can thank the "whys" for that! I'm not a parent, but I would encourage parents to answer as many "whys" as they can stand. I may rethink this when I become a parent of a why-asking child myself one day.

[Nutmeg]

This is really fascinating glimpse into the future.

I definitely think that "Why do you think it is" is a good answer for when the kid is really just trying to be annoying.

I understand there is a difference between wanting to know why specifically, wanting to talk about something in general and wanting to just be a pain in the butt. For the latter, would making him stop doing whatever we were doing and sit down and have a deep meaningful conversation about what he asked his stupid question about work? I mean... that is NOT FUN! It might irritate him just enough if his fun was over once he started asking so many ridiculous questions.

I'm honestly not sure if it would work, as we aren't there yet, but as a former teacher, it would have totally worked with older kids.

[jlg]

Charisse - I'm with you. For the most part, I like the "Why" stage. My 3 year old son has outgrown the one-word "Why?" His questions now are interesting (and at times humorous) and give insight into the way he thinks. He does occasionally still revert to the annoyingly whiny "But whyyyyyyy???" at which point we resort to a distraction of some sort.

[Jill]

With Jan- "I'm finished with 'why' questions now." Often when I answer "what do you think?" he'll have forgotten the question already anyway. When the question is reflex, not curiosity, it becomes the end for me.

To those of you who aren't here yet, it is only cute when it happens a dozen times a day. A dozen times a minute is a bit nerve wracking.

We had the 'why' stage a little before three, got past it and are back in it again, full force at 3 1/2.

[rudyinparis]

I remember this stage with Eldest. She seems to have moved out of it in just the past few months. We did a combo of most of the things mentioned above. Sometimes serious, sometimes whimsical, sometimes a straight-out "Oh, I don't know, hon", sometimes a "Hmm, what do you think?" Interestingly, when I would answer each successive "why", I think we both were surprised by how often the cycle would lead back to the original "why".

Anyway. Paige, the short answer is I don't think you need to answer each Why with utter seriousness. Take pity on yourself! I think there's all sorts of things going on here--they're playing with language, they're playing with you, they're figuring out how the world works.

[Treena]

For a while, I could get away with giving a long, drawn-out answer and then say "THE END."

Now, I'll just eventually say "I need a break from answering questions" and keep reminding him that I'm taking a break when he keeps asking.

[cn]

Why do I find that when children start to do annoying things, like the "why?" game, I immediately turn devilish?

I like the nonsensical answers. I also like responding, "why?"

This automatically becomes a call-response activity. "why?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?"...

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Older sister never dies!

[mezzaluna]

i'm dreading this stage in part because my husband and i *are* physicists and college instructors and thus are professionally obligated to answer "why" questions ;) i'm afraid i'll burn out. our son isn't there yet - he's a month shy of 3... but he does state everything in the tone of a question, so i'm used to constantly saying "uh-huh, yeah, yes, sure." like just now he was announcing that there are two nightlights in his room, so he said "there are two nightlights in this room?" and then he said "it turns out that there are two nightlights in this room?" he'll keep saying it until i confirm, lol!

[theWallflower]

I hated when my mother said "because I said so" to questions that I legitimately wanted to know (though that was when I was older and often because I wanted to do something she wouldn't let me do). I have set the goal for myself that I will never say "because I said so" to my daughter.

I also expect to fail miserably.

[Jan]

I loved the "why" stage for awhile, but there is seriously such a thing as too much of a good thing.

"What's gonna happen today?"
"You and the Little Dude are going to School, Mommy's going to the office and Daddy's going to work at the Rental House"
"Why?"
"Because it's Tuesday -- that's what we do on Tuesday"
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why is it Tuesday?"

Seriously? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED, THAT'S WHY!

I love "why is it foggy?" and "why do we have cemeteries" and even "why does Mommy have to go to work". I just can't stand the nonsensical questions.

The problem with swearing not to say, "because I said so" and the like is that sometimes the reason is BECAUSE I SAID SO. When you're three, sometimes that's why you have to do stuff, sorry.

[robin j.]

I answered each and every single why in the endless chain of whys and found that generally by the time I got to, 'well, society just evolved that way' or 'physics,' he was satisfied. And I swear he still remembers each and every answer, so I'm not sure I buy that they're not asking for actual information.

[Dani]

We also went through a hardcore, dozen times a minute stage of nonsensical whys, ala the "Why is it Tuesday?" example above. And my child did not ever, EVER grow tired of asking and having answers, even as the chain of question-answer grew more and more absurd. I tried turning the question back on her, "Why do you think it's called Tuesday?" but that never worked. She just said, and I'm not kidding, "I asked YOU first." She was not even three. Then I turned to employing the direct, "I am tired of answering questions right now. Please stop asking why for a little while." Which also didn't work, because she would just keep pressing with the whys.

Then one day, when i was feeling really on edge (I had a two month old at this time) I turned the tables. She made some random observation about how it was lunch time, and I said... "why?" And she said, "Because it's time for us to eat lunch now." And I said, "why?" And so on down the line, until my whys were totally absurd and unanswerable, and she was like, "Mama, I am done talking about this with you now." And I, pushing the envelope, said, "Why?" And she yelled, "Argh, just stop asking WHY!!!!"

And after that she was actually a lot more respectful those times when I told her "I am done answering questions now." I didn't intend to teach her a lesson or whatever, but that seems to have been what happened. One of those random times where the consequences of a poorly considered parenting decision actually ended up being positive.

[Kathy B.]

It depends on the question; it depends on the situation.

Sometimes "because I said so" is the right answer.

[hedra]

Enu, you and my mom... I can remember her pulling out the encyclopedias to 'look up' why zebras have stripes with me. I think that was the moment that I realized that 'why?' was a REAL question, and that meant it had a REAL answer. And that, she says, was the beginning of the end of the interminable whys and the beginning of the FUN whys (for her, as she loved to watch us learn stuff).

For us, it depends. A lot of whys are 'safe/respectful/kind' ones. Why and why not usually fall under that for questions of behavior, culture, norms, etc. Others are scientist whys - the why does rain go down and why do birds fly in groups and why does the cat sleep upside down? And others are the 'please play a verbal game with me' whys, which are either 'I want your attention' or 'I'm trying out my power'. Either way, solving their problem solves the annoyance. The why/why not/why/why not routine is giggles when I can get myself to do it. But sometimes I don't have the energy, and I have to say instead 'Why? Is it because you need to be chased and kissed and hugged? Yes? Really? Here I come!' (which is a 'fill up the kid and then they'll give me 30 seconds of breathing space' answer).

And sometimes I just go through all the answers my mom gave me - which included the 'to make little girls ask questions' ones, as I recall those were usually in the grocery store...

[Monica]

/lurk

I have great, very specific memories of my dad explaining the scientific ways of the world-- often volunteering the information before I asked, "Why ____ ?" I think the real answers helped to nurture my curiosity. To this day, I'm a rabid researcher-- if I don't know something, I want to find out!

My own DD is only 6 months old, but I love reading all the insight of experienced mothers and saving all these brilliant lifehacks in my brain for when I will inevitably need them. "Why do you think?" and "because I said so" will be getting vigorous use, no doubt.

DH has child-rearing experience from a past marriage and the attached step-kids, and he's of the mind that 'Why?' isn't always a real question, just a way of experimenting with conversation and participating in the world. Which all sounds logical enough to me! :)

[b*babbler]

Mary P over at It's Not All Mary Poppins has dealt with this one a lot (she's run a daycare for 15 years or so, if I remember correctly) and she has some great methods for dealing with this, but my brain is too frazzled to recall them. If you pop over there, you might find some answers. Good luck!

http://daycaredaze.wordpress.com/

[lisa]

My Early Childhood Development professor said that when 3 year olds ask "why?" repeatedly they aren't interested in the subjects they're asking about, they're just trying to find all the different ways that the word "why" can be used.

It makes sense if you think about it. "Why" is such an amazing and powerful word for a child. With one word they can make an adult explain the entire universe. All. Day. Long.

His suggestion was to give honest answers to subjects that you want to explore more with the child, and give a consistent "Because that's the way it is" answer to everything else.

[Slim]

Ive done all of the above, I think, plus said "You get two more 'Why's, and then I'm done playing the why game for now."

So much depends (as others have already said) on context.

[Cathy]

Instead of "because I said so" mine is "there's rules about these things." (I think I got that from my dad. I am still a chronic whyer and it makes my husband crazy because it makes me sound very skeptical of his ideas even though I only want more information.)

[lachicajulia]

Our 2.75 yr old is in the "what" phase- we hear "What are yer doing?" or "What is that?" hundreds of times a day. I keep trying to get him to describe what he's looking at in more detail or ask him what he thinks something is. I also tend to overexplain. My uncle's more elegant response is to say when asked what he's doing "I'm picking strawberries in the moonlight."

[midwestern gal]

I have been lurking about for a while, and this topic just drew me out!, As a Speech-Language Pathologist, I applaud all the suggestions of ways to engage your child in further conversation. As a parent of an extremely verbal 21-month old girl, I can relate being driven nuts by repetition. Nothing is cute 200 times a day. Sometimes you need to set limits to preserve your own sanity.

I just had to add that 3-year-olds are learning how to ask Wh- (who, what, where, why) questions. So in addition to all the wonderful reasons others have given for "why ask why" -- your child may also be practicing how to put the words together to ask "why".

You could ask for clarification when he asks "Why?" in a single-word question. In the garbage can example, you could ask back: "Why shouldn't you push the garbage can?" It gives you a break before thinking of an answer. Plus it is a model of how to ask "why" questions in complete sentences.

As Lisa indicated, another reason for asking "why" questions is to help the child understand how to answer them. "Why" questions are the most abstract of all the "wh-questions". For example, they're much harder to answer than "what" and "where" questions. At age 3, a child is still trying to figure out causation. Children aren't expected to answer simple "why" questions until they're 4 (or so).

[emily]

my 2 1/2 year-old is totally in the "why" stage too! in order to break her of the why cycle (where she just asks "why?" out of habit), we started to tell her that maybe she really just wanted to learn more about something. so, when she asks "why?," we encourage her to be more specific about what she wants to know. while she is still asking lots of questions, it is so much easier to hear, "can you tell me more about grape vines?" than it is to hear, "wwhhhhhyyyyyyy?"

good luck!

[susan]

I think it would make an EXCELLENT band name, kids TV show, AND board book, even Blog title.

We're not at the WHY stage yet, but I can see it coming. I love Moxie's suggestions, all of them, and will put them in my cerebral 'later' file.

My own prep for this phase is to tell the baboo that he has 3 'why's' and after that it's done so he should be very selective about them. Anyone going/been through this think it would work???

[Sarah V.]

Apologies if anyone else has already said this, but Penelope Leach (author of the wonderful Your Baby And Child) makes a really interesting point about this. She says that a lot of the time children don't mean "Why?" so much as "Tell me more."

So, you don't have to interpret "Why" too literally - think of it more as a child's attempt to make conversation without really yet having the skills to do so. My son currently seems to be using "Where" and "What" in the same sense, and I try to be very liberal about how I interpret those questions - I just use it as a jumping-off point to talk a bit about the subject in question, which he seems quite happy with.

In the example given by the poster, what I'd probably do is be willing to give a reason (since there's apparently some research saying that children who are given reasons for the things they're told to do are more likely to develop decent internalised moral codes than children who are just ordered about), but not to get into endless pointless back-and-forth about it. Hence:

"Please don't push the garbage can across the floor."

"Why?"

"Because it'll scratch the floor."

"Why?"

(scooping up child and removing from vicinity) "C'mon, let's go find a story to read."

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