Q&A: telling your mom you're going out with someone

This question made me feel old, but mostly just because of the smilies and lingo. Usually I trim out any preliminary stuff and long time/first time comments, but I left it all in here. Anonymous writes:

"M'ello Moxie,

             Just today I found your site, &, I thought these kinds of sites were only on movies! XD But yeah, anyway, I read that you're a "mother giving advice", &, I'm not really sure if this is a question to go with your site, but I'll just try it, anyway.

Okay, well, I'm a 15-year old, male, just, making the best of life. ;D Love the internet, video games, (Seeing how you're a mom, I'd like to say the video games series, "Pokemon" is excellent for kids. Seriously, it does involve math to train the creatures. But, not just math, but High School Algebra/Geometry. :O I always wondered why it's rated, "E" though... XP)  reading, (&, again, I noticed you're a reader yourself. Just thought I'd recommend, "Dr. Franklin's Island". One of the best books I've ever read, but, I just can't remember the author at the moment... |D) drawing, wishing I was born Japanese, whateverz, but while online, I met this girl on a forum...

I'm 100% sure, she's not one of those "s3x" pervs, 'cuz, I've live-chatted with her on a webcam, & even talked to her on the phone. At first, it was just talk on the video games, anime, HTML web building, we both shared together the same interests, but then, it got to, I-like-you's. (It's been over a year or more since I began to talk to her. & before I start ranting about her...)

Both of us live on the separate ends of the US, (Random fact: & we even share the same religion! Christian. ;P) but by the end of this coming school year, I'm going to move, not where she lives, but, a few states apart.

&, that's where I am. |D As wildly twisted, as it sounds, I'm not trying to, like, push your limits or anything! This is where, as you said, "give advice to moms". (<-- I doubt that's a quote. ^_^;) But what I mean is... What would you do if your son told you all of that, above? Or, even better, what would you do in that kinda, "situation"?

I don't really want to know the punishment, (Hope there isn't! X_X) just, the reaction... (If you get me. o_o;)

Then, finally, the last factor: My mom's a single parent, who, ever since I went to Middle School, told me, "not to date" anyone. @_@ (Because of her time with my father wasn't, "heartwarming"... :\) & now, I fall in love with a girl, in secret. (I'm gonna sound like a +A student or something for saying this, [Well, I sorta am; I finally got accepted into English 2-Honors, &, just for the bragging of it, Bio-honors too! 8D] 'cuz my story gives me the "deja vu" of Shakespeare's, "Romeo & Juilet"; seeing what separates us is distance. XP)

>_< Erm, well, I dunno. It seems hard to describe... You know? I just hope you understand it all, & by chance, I can get a response to it all. :D

Sincerely,

~A fan. ;D (As of, today; seeing how a Google'd search for, "how to tell mom you're going out with someone" found your site. XP)

P.S: I've been re-reading this over & over again, doubting whether to send this or not, &, to tell you the truth, I actually sound somewhat, I dunno, I can't think of a word for it, but, "proper" is all I got... o_O;

P.S.S: After some more doubting on the departure of this email, (I've been typing this, for, 40 minutes, tops.) if this does get status as a "question" for your site, please, feel free to post it. :P Just, keep me anonymous(<--sp? Even with honors, spelling's my drawback. >_>) though. |P

Finally, sorry if I wasted your time, (Hope I didn't... D:) but between the whole, "cross-fire", I've gotta say, thanks. ^_^ (<-- & sorry if you don't get the "smilies"... I. CAN'T. HELP. IT. XP)"

I love the word "whateverz" so much I think I'm going to start using it myself all the time. Especially in work meetings.

Anyway.

It sounds like there are a few things going one here. One is that you're in love, and you'd really like to be able to tell your mom, because being in love makes you feel great and you want to share it with the person who's most important to you. (I think your mom would be absolutely thrilled to know how much you want her to know you, BTW.)

The other is that your mom was still (as of a couple of years ago), and may even be now, feeling profoundly burned by her relationship with your father. It makes her feel very protective of you, and made her make the comment that you shouldn't date anyone to you a few years ago. But I don't think what she really meant by that was that you shouldn't ever date anyone. I think what she meant was more along the lines of "This has been such a painful experience for me and I never want you to go through what I've been through. I want you to know yourself, be true to yourself, and only become romantically involved with people who will be honest with themselves and you, and treat you like the treasure that you are." I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she might not even remember that she told you not to date anyone, because it isn't the dating that scares her so much, but the broken heart and derailing of your life that could result from a bad relationship.

So. What do you have here? You have a son who loves his mom and really wants to be able to share the wonderful feeling of being in love with her. And you've got a mom who loves her son so much she only wants him to be in healthy relationships, but is not so excited about love in general. I think if I were your mom, I'd really want to have the chance to talk to you about what I figured out in hindsight about how I got into a bad relationship, and what would have helped me avoid it if I'd known it when I was younger. So maybe that's where you should start, by asking your mom to tell you about what she's learned about herself and what she wished she'd known about herself and relationships. It's a conversation you can have without her having to tell you specifics about her and your father (which, eew) or having to badmouth him (you're definitely old enough to understand that sometimes people just can't be good for another person even when they're not necessarily bad people in general).

Having a conversation like that is going to open up the communication so you can tell her about your relationship with your girlfriend (Can I even call her that? Is there some smilie for "the girl I've never met IRL but who knows me better than anyone else"?). I think when you do tell her she's going to have a lot of conflicting feelings. She'll probably be happy for you, worried for you, curious about the girl, grateful that you're so far apart physically (don't think we don't start worrying about STDs and pregnancy when our kids are really young), a little angry that you didn't tell her before, nostalgic about whoever it was she was in love with when she was 15, and proud of you all at the same time. But she's definitely going to be glad that you told her. And you are going to feel extremely relieved to have some transparency between the two halves of your life.

(Oh, and FWIW, the smilies don't bug me, but you're addicted to commas. I think your English 2 Honors teacher is going to have some work to do on the comma-love before it's time to write college application essays. ;-P)

Any moms of teens out there want to comment? Or does anyone want to share what happened with the person they dated when they were 15? Mine ended up seeing someone else behind my back after playing cat-and-mouse with me for two years. You?

Comments

[Shandra]

I wish I had been smart enough to ask for advice at 15. Of course there was no internet then (there was ARPANET but most of us had not heard ot if)!

So from that ancient place, when AIDS was just starting to be heard about and lots of people were starting to die of it, I'll share that when I was 15 I dated the director's son at camp.

It was a wonderful summer romance, and sort of like your Internet relationship in that we didn't share friends or schools or anything so we could just focus on each other. That was lovely, but it was why it didn't last. Still, the thought that someone could love me (!) and I could love someone else (!) that way (!!) sustained me for several years afterwards.

So enjoy your love and even if it does not work out, remember that it totally is there and possible for you.

I also spent September scared I was pregnant. So no matter what you tell your mom, dude, if you decide to have sex with whoever, use a condom!

(Sorry, I feel compelled to say this to American teens lately.)

[Eva]

I had a similar situation when I was 17: met a guy online, it turned into something, had to tell my mother. My mother had plenty of reasons not to like him since he was six years older, divorced, and a foreign immigrant (oh, and my mom was a single parent burned by my father, too). Yet when I told her I cared about this guy, and arranged for them to meet, she came to like him as much as I did. That was almost ten years ago, and we've been married for the last four. My mom now likes my husband more than she likes me!

Your mother will surely be impressed with your maturity in telling her about this situation and this girl you care about. She might not be delighted about the long distance phone calls you've made without her knowing (of course I guess you probably have a cell phone these days).

Of course, you and this girl are a bit younger. Just FYI that it might not be forever. I had internet romances at that age, too, and I don't even remember those people's names anymore. But that's not to say it isn't a real and important thing for you now.

[Rose]

I'm not a Mom but I can recount how my Mom handled the boyfriends I had in high school (not well.) I did meet a few guys through the internet and met up with some of the local ones. I don't think my Mom was too pleased with this, but they would let me meet them in public places and my parents were always the ones dropping me off and picking me up from the meetings, nothing bad ever came of it.

First time a boy called the house (and my Mom answered the phone), my Mom freaked out and told them never to call again and hung up the phone on them. I was 16 at the time so it was a bit of an overreaction. I hadn't even gone out on dates with guys at this point and after the phone call my Mom proceeded to lecture me about birth control. I think that would have been a good thing if she just wasn’t so weird about it. Personally I prefered getting my information from the internet.

Guy I fell in love with and dated when I was 16, it was a disaster. We never really dated so much as hung out together and fooled around all the time. I dated other people, he dated other people, yet we kept getting together and cheating on our respective boyfriends/girlfriends. It was stupid and awful, but I was in Love, but he wasn't any good for me and it was so hard to finish it, but I finally did, even if it did take years too long. Years later I am so glad I finally stopped being with him b/c it wasn't any good for either of us.

[hedra]

Yeah, definitely open the conversation.

Here's something my mom told me, that I've used as a litmus for all my relationships since she told me - a good relationship will improve all your other relationships. A bad one will damage your other relationships. This is a handy-dandy self-test for anything from friends to bf/gf to spouse material. If you are in a good relationship, ALL your relationships will thrive (though maybe you'll spot a few others that are not helping in reverse), and a bad one will interfere. My mom totally did not get why I was interested in this one guy - he was, well, silent. And kind of ... silent. And he had this pony tail, and an earring, and wore ripped out jeans with weird leggings under them, and motorcycle boots and a leather jacket (with Calvin and Hobbes painted on the back)... and, well, just a total HUH? on her part. BUT, she noticed that when we started dating, my relationship with HER improved. My friendships improved. I was more patient with my siblings. I was all over thriving. So she didn't complain, she just kept the whole thing to herself. I didn't even know that she was baffled by the attraction until AFTER we'd been married for a good year, maybe more! Then, he did some work for her rearranging her house, and she got to see 'in' a bit farther, and she suddenly got it.

It is hard for a mom to let go of the bafflement thing, though. Even if things seem great, if the structure/format of the relationship doesn't compute, letting that go and trusting the child (or even adult child) can be HARD. The fact that your relationship is online may throw her completely. It is up to you to present it in a way that illustrates that you have a deep connection, that you know each other, that she's trustworthy, that the connection is real. I know plenty of people who met online and ended up happily married with kids and all. I also know plenty of people who met online, dated, crashed-and-burned/split-amicably. JUST like with any other method of meeting, it gets you in the door. It doesn't prove compatibility, personal culture match, or life skills for relationships. Those will only get proven 'on the ground' so to speak. BUT, it is as fine a way to get to know someone as, say, being in drama club together and talking long hours on the phone. Be prepared for her to be skeptical about the depth of the relationship when it hasn't met the personal/IRL trials at all yet. This doesn't mean you need to be hurt by the skepticism, at all - just be prepared for it. It is part of parental defense mechanism.

Also be prepared for her to be uncomfortable with the idea of LOVE with the big letters at 15. I was in LOVE at 15. Seriously, to the level of him asking me to marry him by 16. But... he was manipultive more than respectful, and I actually laughed with relief when he broke up with me. Okay, I was bawling with heartbreak at the same time, I thought I was crazy because I was laughing like crazy too... But when he was gone, I could breathe. He's kept in touch, and last year told me that I was the only person (other than his current and only wife) he ever wanted to marry. I was 'the one who got away' for him... I had to remind him of the fights, the manipulation, the fact that I had years of therapy to go before I could function in a relationship, yadda yadda. And the next guy I fell for, that blew the former LOVE out of the water. This time, it was REAL. It was BETTER. It was WOW! And the time after that, more, better, deeper, truer. And after that. And after that. And after that. My mom had said 'you'll know love is real when you feel it' - okay, I knew EACH TIME, and yet, each new relationship was more profound, more powerful (with a few blips in between that were 'eh, this is not going ANYWHERE'). And then I met my motorcyle-boots guy, who... well, holy pete, nothing even comes close to how I feel about him. NOTHING. It was all those others were in the inches measures apart, and this was miles. MILES. Maybe that was where I first found the 'Safe, REspectful, Kind' thing in my life clearly - he was always safe with me - safe with my feelings, body, history, psyche, everything. Respectful of my intellect, insight, intuition, interests. Kind beyond that. What's not to love? I loved him so much that I knew I could totally live without him. Yeah, said that. Instead of "I need you" it was "Through you, I became whole and my own person - I can stand on my own because of you. Thanks!" And that was what really rocketted the love for me. We both could live without the other, and know we are complete. We don't complete each other. But we would miss each other, and we both function better with each other than apart. That, for me, became the truest measure of the relationship. The lack of neediness or desperation. If you want an illustration of what I'm talking about, read "The missing piece meets the big O" by Shel Silverstein.

So... 15? LOVE can happen. Even the biggest hugest high-altitude, whole human being love. Or it can be still the early love, beautiful, aching, perfect, and untested - which may or may not grow past the early stages into that long-lasting powerhouse of individual identity and mutual support. No way to know without testing it, though.

I would not have skipped even that early mangled love-fest at 15. It was a BLAST at times, and while the lows were as potent as the highs, they were all real, and all worthy, and vastly useful, and taught me a lot that I'd not have skipped out on. I would also not like to repeat it - gah, the pain that comes with! But oh, the hormonal rushes, and the excitement, and the newness of it all... beautiful, too.

So... um, not sure if this is at all useful to you! But it is my perspective as both child and mother. I know enough about online hooking up to hope my son would come to me and tell me about this girl he met. I'd be hurt a bit that he waited a year, but if he said it was because I'd told him not to date, and it had kind of just grown without him knowing really until it was all there in front of him... I'd deal. I'd want to meet her. I'd want her to meet him (under my roof if possible, but on neutral ground otherwise). I'd want to learn about her family, her dreams, her hopes, and what she thought was cool about my child. I'd want the relationship to have a chance to follow a more typical course, and test the system IRL. And I'd worry about heartbreak and STDs and everything else, just as I'd do over a girl he met in school.

Good luck! Sorry this is so long. (And ditto with the commas - I was a huge comma user, and still overuse them somewhat, though that's actually due to technical issues in writing for translation - a little too much is better than too few when dealing with translation issues... but they can still get annoying! Learn where to substitute m-dashes, and semicolons, and add parenthesis, and please try to avoid my addiction to elipses (...), if you can! LOL! Oh, and spelling not my forte, either - dang dyslexia, everything looks 'right'!)

[enu]

Mom of 2 (somewhat older) teens; still with the guy I dated at 15, almost 30 years later. So I'm not one to say everything that happens at this age is puppy love and won't amount to anything. But don't get me wrong, it's been work, a lot of work sometimes! Also have long term friendship (11 years) with friend have never seen, met on Internet.

Think there are 2 major issues here; one is the issue of Internet Security and "What is Reality?" The other issue is purely Mom's and she needs to get over it.

You will date, you will fall in love, and to deny the normalcy of that is a recipe for disaster. Will you get your heart broken along the way? Most likely. It's a sad truth. But avoiding love is like avoiding life itself.

As to the Internet security risk - it is a bit scary that you've already put yourself so out there with a stranger. In any case, were you to meet up with The Girl, it needs to be in a public place, with other (adult) people you know there to guard you. In fact, if it is so important for you to meet IRL, I would not rule out the services of a private detective first. Parents of The Girl should, frankly, be equally concerned.

In the future, you should be more guarded about making that kind of contact (phone, cam) with strangers. It's not all warm and fuzzy out there. I'm sad to say.

Best wishes and all.

[Jenn]

What happened to the guy I dated when I was 15? Well let's see. He stalked me and threatened to kill me for a few years, then spent the next 15 years in and out of jail for assualt, stalking, and domestic violence. He's last arrest was for possession of child pornography.

I know how to pick them!

If I could go back to my 15 year old self, I'd tell her it's going to get better. You need to not only do the right thing, but you need to do the thing that is most respectful of yourself. If you don't respect yourself, no one else will respect you either.

[Laura]

I married the man I met on the internet - I proposed (over IM!) after only 6 weeks of emailing! But then, we were 22 and 27. At 15, you probably have a ways to go before that's an option. But there's nothing wrong with internet/phone relationships; don't let anyone tell you that they're somehow "less" than reality. I personally think you can get to know someone much better by distance - you don't have all that physicality to distract! ;)

OTOH, at some point, for the relationship to progress, it will have to put some skin on.

Hedra's manta: "A good relationship makes all the other ones in your life better" is golden.

And I'll take Enu's comment about The Girl one step farther: You need to make sure that she is being as honest with her parents about you as you are (or..will be) with your mom. Keeping a relationship a secret hurts the relationship in the long run.

If I could give my 15 year old self advice, I'd tell her not to give her heart away. The real *broken* heart comes from having entrusted the care and feeding of your heart to someone else only to have them disappoint (and no matter how much they love you, they WILL disappoint - it's human nature).

I think this is why the Bible says to love God with all our heart. Because if there ever was a safe place for a heart, wouldn't it be with the Eternal and All-knowing?

[Liza]

When I was 15, I had a "friend with benefits" although we didn't call it that, we just called it friends. It wasn't until I was 16, almost 17, that I fell in LOVE, and had my heart broken to bits.

But at the core of that romance, we had a friendship, and we rebuilt it, and then we dated off and on and were friends when we weren't dating, for almost 15 more years. I finally got that we were really "just" friends and were never going to get married and live happily ever after together. (He'd been trying to gently tell me that for a long time, I just hadn't been listening.)

Five years later, we're still good friends, each of us is married to someone else, each of us has a toddler, and each of our spouses is friends too.

[Allison]

This is for sure one of my most favorite Moxie posts everz!

[Jean]

Tell your mom, but I think Moxie's advice as to the approach is bang-on. Let her know that you want to keep communication open, because that's what all moms and dads want. We want to know what's going on with you, how you feel about things, where you are taking your life and where your life is taking you.

That doesn't mean we'll always agree with your choices, or that you'll always agree with ours. If we could all agree to disagree, as long as no one is in real danger, we'd all get along fine. But she's had 15yrs of being ultimately responsible for the things you do, and it's hard to ease up as the stakes are raised and the decisions less black and white.

I'm old (;-)), so internet wasn't an option when I was dating. Had a lot of experience with long-distance dating, and that just never worked out for me. Not to say that it can't, just didn't for me. I didn't find my true love, my soul mate, until I was 33. And I am grateful for all the frogs I kissed along the way, because they make me appreciate everything about him, warts and all, every day.

Your mom will most likely be concerned with the internet portion, with good reason. Lots of bad juju out here, as well as the good, but the bad can be *really* bad. It doesn't mean your sweetie is, but it doesn't mean she isn't either, if that makes sense. Do your best to be respectful of your mom's feelings, even as you may be disagreeing with her. The more maturely you handle this, the easier it will be for your mom to trust this whole situation, but it still won't be easy.

And yes, assuming you and she meet face to face, and you both decide to have sex, use a condom, every time, no matter what. Not recommending sex at 15, but absolutely against unprotected sex at 15.

[Catherine]

I would have to agree with Allison - this is my favorite posts as well! As a mother of a 9 month old boy, I hope my son has the courage to ask for help/advice from such a positive support system, if for some reason, he's not sure how to approach me.

Although your mom may have been hurt from her marriage/divorce and given you advice you may disagree with, she has done something right in raising you!

Good luck with everything - please keep us posted with how things work out (with both your mom and your girlfriend) :)

[ksmaybe]

Great post! I will share my story of 15 year old love-fully acknowledging it's uncommon-ness! So, at 15 years old...I wouldn't say that I had a 'love', but I definitely had a crush. In hindsight, I'd bet money that he is somewhere living happily as a gay man today. A different boy who had a crush on me at that time, finally did win my heart the following year. I now call him my husband-we recently celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary (16 years together) and we're expecting our first baby in a month. So, some young love lasts, some doesn't :) Either way, parents shouldn't panic!! We dated through high school and college, married when I finished college. We both have graduate degrees and a life we love together. Young love doesn't always lead to disaster or pain (I happen to come from a family of HS sweethearts-aunts/uncles, and many of my cousins too.

[Charisse]

At 15 I was a complete dork with a crush on the cutest boy in our geeky school. I did get to take him to the prom the next year, strictly as friends (his choice, sigh). I mostly didn't date in high school--a lot of it had to do with my mom, who overcompensated for the strict religious background she had by just being all over me in a supposedly supportive way. On the occasion of my first kiss, there she was in the window, watching and waving, and then she wanted to have girltalk about it the second I got in the house. As a feminist OB, she had (truly) useful advice about sex, but she pretty much offered to get me the pill and advise me about sex every time I mentioned a boy's name. I waited till almost-17 and college across the country, thank you very much.

I hope anon's mom will take a supportive interest without taking a proprietary one. And anon, realize that your mom has a right and duty to protect you; you have a right to your feelings. Taking the precautions people suggest about an in-person meeting with your gf will help balance those two rights.

[me]

Love with all your heart, but for goodness sake also love with your head and with your common sense. Being in love is not a reason to compromise your beliefs, ethics, etc. It's easy to fantasize about what you think this girl would be like if you lived closer, and if you could see her all the time, and if if if - - but don't confuse your daydreams with reality, and she might not be anything like what you imagine it to be. People on the phone/internet/etc. aren't necessarily the same in person. Long distance is hard.

Secrets are never good, so I think it's wonderful that you are considering addressing it before it goes any further. If nothing else, it could strengthen the relationship with your mom, and demonstrate how you're rapidly morphing from boy to young man. Good luck!

[m]

What Hedra's mom told her about relationships is brilliant! I wish someone had told me that years ago.

I love Moxie's advice about how to start the conversation with your mom.

I fell in Love at 15. It was a fun, important relationship and I learned a lot about myself, but it was definitely a first-love only relationship. I couldn't imagine what my life would have been like if we had settled down. Probably miserable. He's a great guy, but our lives just were meant to cross only for that year. I still look back on that time fondly.

You seem like a smart guy and that you love and respect your mother a whole lot (which warms my heart, as a mom to a 17 month old boy!), but I'm going to give this advice anyway: every generation thinks/acts like they've invented love and sex. Your mom knows a lot, so listen to her closely. Sure, you may not follow everything she says, but she'll probably know a lot more than you realize.

[Kateri]

moxie, are you saying there's something wrong with comma-love? ;)

thanks for posting this in its smiley entirety. it was fun to read and your advice is great as usual.

[hedra]

Just had a discussion about comma-love with a coworker, and we mutually agreed that it is a strong tendency in those who 'grew up' with text messaging. It is related to the pacing and slightly over-dramatized cadence required to make text messaging 'read' as 'human' rather than dit dit dit dit dit dit.

Just thought that was an interesting viewpoint.

Oh, and major ditto on making sure the girl is on the up-and-up with her parents as well. If she's not willing to be, that's a huge red flag. Yeah, some parents are nuts over-controlling (my DH is already fighting the urge to lock our girls up to keep the boys away until they're 30, and they're not even 3 yet), but practicing dishonesty in this scenario, not healthy in the long run. JMHO.

[Amy]

I am married to the man I was dating when I was 15! Awwwww.

[SarcastiCarrie]

15 was fun, but glad I'm not married to him. Sure, we had a lot in common. Probably still do. But, hedra (as always) is right. If your relationship poisons everything else around you, it's probably not a good idea.

I don't see any harm in telling your mom or generally opening the topic of girls and dating and whatnot with her. Since there is a physical distance between you and your girlfriend, she may not take it as seriously as you do, which is good for you since she won't totally overreact then. Although, I would mention how carefully you checked to make sure the girl's story was legit before mentioning to your mom that you gave out personally identifiable info over the internet. Moms are super-protective of their offspring and don't want to think of you as being unsafe at all.

[Ann]

I absolutely love this post!!!
BTW I am 43 and my boyfriend from when I was 15 is still a very good FRIEND of mine... I am married to someone else ( who is also friends with him now) and I'm a mom of a 7 month old who just had major surgery... guess who's dad I got to operate on my baby?? Yep... my high school boyfriends dad... some things are just meant to be for some reason or another... " )

Good luck telling your mom... I hope my son loves me as much when he's 15 :-)

[Quyen]

I was 16 when I had my first boyfriend. He was the captain of the 8 man rowing team at the all boys school to my all girls school.
I was painfully shy and a late bloomer (compared to the other girls at my school) and he was the stud off the rowing team, cricket and rugby team. I was very insecure and he was so amazing and kind and every teenage girls dream. He was also very good friends with my brother, maybe why he was so respectful towards me.
My parents were very laid back and we were allowed to date without supervision. His parents had a flat in the city (I forgot to say that we were both in boarding school) and we went there A LOT, if you know what I mean. Thank goodness my mom was smart enough to make sure I was on birth control, and that my boyfriend always used a condom, because I don't think I could have asked him to use one at the time.
Looking back I really did love him and we had the best time, it was all very innocent and special. I am luck to have had him as my first love.
I ended up cheating on him close to graduation (we were kinda broken up by then) and had to move away back to the States anyway, so it would have never worked out in the long run (plus we were only 16!)
I still wonder what happened to him.
Definitely tell your mom. You are so mature and wise for your age. And your mom wants to be a part of your life, between the two of you I know that the situation will work itself out.
Good luck sweet boy, I hope my sons grow up to be a cool as you!

[Jane Plane]

First of all, I totally agree with anonymous about Pokemon. It's been difficult for me sometimes to "lose" my seven year-old to this world, but his reading, his math and his logic skills have all gotten way more fluent over the last six months or so that Pokemon has been in his life.

Second of all, what's so clear in anonymous's question is how much respect he has for his mom. So, Anonymous, if you lead with that respect, I think you will be doing just great.

[me]

Talk to your mom. Try and stay calm, even if she gets upset - you don't want to fight about it and you don't want to turn it into an issue where she thinks she's going to lose you over this girl, because then she will definitely react badly. You want to show her how mature you are, that you can talk about it and really listen to her opinions and not just throw a tantrum.

She may well be really worried about the Internet thing, which of course is both true and false; I've made many good friends via Internet and of course, sadly, there are many dangerous people out there too. Much like life off the Internet. Talk it through with her. If you want to meet up with your girl, and your mom agrees but insists on chaperones, agree. Show her she can trust you to trust her on some of it - that will ease the road. Let your mom meet her, either in person or online/on the phone. Let her see she's a real person and not a scary Internet predator.

Be gentle with her when you let her know - we all have crazy mixed feelings about things, especially our kids, and she may feel happy for her and worried about the girl and protective of you getting your heart broken and afraid of you growing up and her losing you - remember, she's a single mom and you are her whole heart.

And hey, she may be ok with it and you won't have to worry. but definitely talk to her, keep talking if you can, keep communication open. I was on the receiving end of some really hurtful comments from my mom about my now-husband, who I met at 17, and I understand now that she was really afraid of losing me. Doesn't justify it, but there it is. And my reactions were to yell at her or pull away and not talk to her and do whatever I wanted anyway, which I was able to do but it definitely didn't help our relationship any. I was scared to tell her when we got engaged and we only really got close again after I became a mom myself.

Ok, I've rambled on far too long at you, but good luck. And as for your writing style? At 15, I was writing completely in inside jokes and most of the time in secret codes we made up! The Internet wasn't around until I was in college, and chat took SO long because you had to wait until the other person typed out a WHOLE SENTENCE. Heheh.

[Kel]

Another fabulous post, response, and comments (and I don't care what they say, that needed three commas). Hedra - I have printed out your "Safe, Respectful, Kind" because I have a fantasy of creating a wall display of it for my home (fantasy because the twins are only two... time for crafting is not mine) and this is one I'm also going to print out and save for the 5 year old in 10 (or 8 by then) years.

[only out for thos who no]

I have no friends!!!!

[help]

I like this girl,Tori but i Don't know how to tell my mother

[trabeams]

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