Q&A: preparing a young toddler for a new sibling and second deliveries

Ladre writes:

"My husband and I are expecting our second baby in November.  Our first child will be less than 20 months old at that time - is there anything we can do to prepare him for the change about the come?

Also, just a quick question about second deliveries: any truth that they are easier/faster than the first? My Ob/Gyn said yes, but of course, there are exceptions to that.  My first labor was wonderfully easy and fairly quick (11:30 am at the hospital, 6:30 pm delivery) so of course I'm keeping my fingers crossed for at least a repeat of that.  Hoping to get some stories from others so that I have some idea what to expect."

Hmmm. My kids are 3 years apart, so I don't have any personal experience with prepping a toddler that age for a new sibling. I'm going to need Menita and anyone else with kids very close together to jump in and talk about what you did that was good, what you did that maybe you wouldn't have done in hindsight, and what you wish you'd done that you didn't.

About the second labors: I've heard tons and tons of birth stories, and it seem to me that vaginal second births (after first vaginal births) seem to go one of two ways. Either they start suddenly and are really forceful and short (6-8 hours from start to finish doesn't seem uncommon) so it's like having your first labor condensed into half or less of the time, or else you have on-off labor for days that annoys you and makes you think the baby is never actually going to come out but then all of a sudden things turn around and the baby's out in 1-3 hours. (I had the second type, with contractions every 12-15 minutes from Sunday evening 'til Tuesday morning, then suddenly I went into hard labor and he was out in an hour.)

But either way it's easier, because you know what to expect, you know you can do it, and you know you've got bigger fish to fry than the labor.

I can't think of a second labor story I've heard that hasn't been better, in some way, than the first labor story. Either you have an easier vaginal delivery, you have a scheduled c-section, or you try a VBAC and are proud of yourself for trying whether you end up delivering vaginally or by c-section. I really think so much of it is being prepared mentally and knowing you can mother a child.

Anyone who wants to share a story of a second birth (especially compared to a first birth), please tell us!

Comments

[paola]

My 2 kids are 24 months apart. My eldest didn't really understand that bub was on the way until she was actually here. We started telling him about number 2 when I started to really show just to prepare him and we talked about names etc, whether it was going to be Zoe or Elijah and that kind of stuff. When Zoe was born, we gave Noah a little present from Zoe which he still calls Zoe's bear, and he was pretty thrilled about that. The first 2 weeks after Zoe was born Noah was over the moon with the new addition. Then when he realised she wasn't going back to the hospital, a bit of jealousy set in and ever time she so much as whimpered, he demanded to be picked up. Then came the ignoring stage which lasted a few months, and then the torturing stage, where Noah started to squeeze feet/hands, kicks to the head etc, which I'm glad to say is now over. Now after 8 months, he just wants to play with her or hold her and is really very gentle too.

Both my births were vaginal and easy. My first labour was 6 hours of hard labour, and probably would have been shorter had I known how to push. Drug free all the way as here in Italy, they don't believe in making child birth easy. My second was 4 hours from the first contraction to delivery. Contractions came fast and furious from the word go, but bearable and no worse than my first labour. Again, had difficuilties pushing and my contractions got easier and easier as labour progressed to the point where I didn''t know when to push. Got there with some help from an oxytosin drip. Highly recommend the second labour!! Would go so much as to say I'd have a third if I was ensured the same type of labour.
The common thread to both pregnancies is that I was dilated to 4 cm and almost fully effaced weeks before the actual birth. Naturally this helped me along. In fact I was in sever pain for abour 6 weeks before no. 2 due to my body preparing for the birth, which wasn't much fun, but made birth so much easier.

[Jo-Ann]

My boys are 21 months apart. I remember we talked about the baby in the belly everyday to get him ready. My oldest loved the baby from the get go. They are now 2 and almost 4. There was some adjustment but it was short. In a few weeks my older guy forgot he was ever alone and could not remember life without the baby. I can remember nursing the baby and having the older guy sit on my feet. He still sits on my feet if I am holding the younger kid.
It was hard having two babies with separate needs. I found napping when they napped helped a bunch. It gave me one on one time with the baby. I went back to work when the baby was 10 weeks old for only 2.5 months and have been home since and working at night because daycare in my city is through the roof and it makes it cost prohibitive to work in the day.

My 2nd labor was fast. I was induced and once they got me to progress I went from 7cm to baby out in less than 30 min. I pushed twice and had no tearing.

[enu]

Mine are 23 months apart, and honestly, firstborn was clueless and there wasn't much we could do to change that until secondborn arrived. I mean, I did the whole picture book and baby-is-growing-in-Momma explanation thing, but she was not much into that sort of thing. Once baby arrived, she took it pretty darn well, and their relationship has been good to excellent ever since (firstborn left for college Saturday!) so I wouldn't sweat it just because they don't get the explanations before the baby arrives.

Second labor - OMG, piece of cake compared to first! Practically boring, except it was so short.

Best wishes - watching your kids play together and scheme together is the best, and it happens sooner than you'd think.

[flea]

My kids are 3 years apart, and I still think #1 wasn't really ready for the idea of #2 until it happened.

I had a fairly easy first labor - water broke first, arrived at hospital 7 hours later at 7 cm, delivered 18 hours after labor broke following long pushing phase due to funky head position. Unmedicated. Second labor was *incredibly* easy and fast - show at 7pm, one contraction at 1am, water broke at 3 am, by the time we got child care covered and got to the hospital at 4:30 I was at 9 cm, between (screaming) pushes I kept saying "this is SO MUCH easier than last time!" I was making the nurses laugh. Baby born 45 minutes after we got to the hospital, total of 2 hours and 15 minutes after proper labor started.

I do have a friend who had a straightforward first birth and spent about 24 hours at the freestanding birth center stalled at 9 cm, though. So it's not always shorter!

[Kelly]

I can't compare birth between the first and second, but in preparing my oldest (they're 28m apart) we waited until the 3rd Trimester before starting to slowly explain to him there was a baby in Mommy's tummy that we'd get to play with soon. Every time there was a picture of a baby in a magazine or on the tele we'd talk about the baby in Mommy's Tummy. He never wanted to feel the baby kick, but he's got some tactile sensory issues. When I went to the hospital to deliver we explained that Mommy was going away for a few days and would bring the baby home. Once we were home we made sure he understood that the baby could get hurt easily and he'd have to be careful (we really drilled this in because he's a rough/tumble kinda guy and he's always been really careful about the little one since then). It took weeks before he'd come anywhere near the baby (willingly), and months before he started taking a real interest. At about 6mo (baby) they started taking a deep interest in each other and now love playing together.

I'm sure all kids are different in how they treat new siblings, but this is how things went for us.

[Dani]

Had two early inductions due to intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy. First time around I was 38 weeks, and labored hard for 8 hours before pushing for 12 minutes. Second time I was 37 weeks, labored hard for under 2 hours, and pushed for 5-ish minutes.

That second birth was awesome, even with the pitocin and the liver disease. Really it was almost enough to make me want to do it again.

[BrooklynGirl]

My kids are 21 months apart. To help prepare my older son, we bought him a baby doll and a variety of "I'm Going to Be a Big Brother" kinds of books. He liked the doll and the books, but to be honest I'm not sure he ever connected them to the real life baby when she arrived.

The best thing we did after the baby arrived, though, was this: even though I was at home, we kept my son's sitter so he stayed on his usual schedule. This was a huge financial crush for us, but I think it's absolutely made the difference: I have time to focus on the new baby (and, you know, shower) and he gets to stick to his routine.

(I delivered both by c-section so can't address the labor issue.)

[Jennifer Barnes]

Mine are 19 months apart. We started at about the first one's birthday talking about the baby in Mommy's tummy and he was really well prepared (for a 19 month old) about his brother's arrival, I think. It helped us that in our circle of friends, I was the second or third to have a baby so he'd seen some little ones arriving before his brother. The baby is now 6 months old and I've had more "trouble" from the baby than from my toddler and I totally expected it to be the other way around. I think it helped tremendously that we had the baby at a freestanding Birthing Center and were home shortly after the birth. There were no nights spent apart; we were home when he woke up the next morning.

Labor - fast and furious. First labor took forEVER. Second labor hit hard at 11:30 in the morning and we had a baby by 6 pm... start to finish, as long as Ladre was in the hospital before having hers. I showed up at the birthing center at 5:30, 9 cm thinking they were going to send me home again only to have a baby 20 min later!

[HollyRhea]

This is pretty timely for me. I'm due any day with my second (first is 27 months old). The eldest has only just now begun to initiate conversation about the baby in my belly. We've been talking about it, reading about it, watching videos, etc, for months. But I think she's just now to the age of internalizing this knowledge as an imminent event.

I think the things that have helped her the most have been - exposure to other new babies, some great children's books, when we started putting the baby's stuff up around the house (crib, rocking chair, etc). We're also having a home birth with the eldest present, so we've done a lot of preparation for witnessing the actual labor, as well. Maybe that's helped? Hard to say.

I have two friends with children approx. two years apart. Both have said that tandem nursing saved them a lot of grief when the little one arrived. Nursing through pregnancy is hell, but if you can handle nursing a toddler while having a newborn - word on the street is that it's much easier to give the older one that comfort to alleviate any jealousy.

As a doula, I usually see second labors go more smoothly. But of course, there are always things that can stall or slow a labor - regardless of whether or not you've done it before. I'll let you know in a month how my second one went.

[rudyinparis]

My second labor was a classic one in that it was about half as long and twice as intense. Mostly all I have to say is that I felt much more powerful and in control for the second (especially for the pushing)as I knew what to expect and my body knew better what to do, having done it before.

[Michelle]

My babies are just 16 months apart - oldest is approaching 18 months and our daughter is just 8 weeks.

Since our son was so young he didn't really understand much about the new baby - we did talk to him about the baby coming and that it was in my belly (which he still points to and says "ba-ba"). But I agree with some of the other moms, with young toddlers there really isn't a way to prepare them - other than showing them the baby itself.

Since our daughter arrived our son has shown SOME signs of jealousy and regression (wanting bottles again and some sleep disturbances) but overall he has done great. He is fascinated by her...smiles whenever he sees her and is constantly trying to "give" her his toys (by dropping them on her head).

First labor was a hospital birth - water broke at the beginning and we ended up with Pitocin and an Epi to try and speed up delivery when he hadn't arrived by hour 19. He was born 2 hours after the Pit.

Second labor was at home - definitely the "start-stop" model - I had "practice" contractions every ten minutes for the last two weeks!

Once she decided to come she was here (delivered in a birthing tub in our bedroom) very quickly...about 6 hours of hard labor until my water finally broke and she was born 12 minutes later!

[Jan]

Mine are just over 18 months apart. Honestly, we didn't do too much to prepare the Munchkin for her brother's arrival and it worked out just fine. She was very verbal for that age, but had no sense of the passage of time. If I'd started talking about a baby any earlier (we did talk about it for maybe a week), she would have been insufferable, demanding to know when the baby was coming every. single. day.

After he came, though, we bought (and read, at her request, over and over and over and over and over) I'm A Big Sister by Joanna Cole. The hubby read it using our kids actual names instead of "I" and "our baby" and I think that worked best. It's a good one for when the kids aren't far enough apart for things like "I get to go to school and baby doesn't" or "I sleep in a big bed and baby doesn't".

We tried really hard to make sure her basic routine wasn't upset. Bedtime remained (almost) the same. Meals in the same place at the same time.

She loved the baby and it was so cute to see her mommying her dolls (and stuffed toys. and wooden puzzle pieces. and her sippy cup. and even, occasionally, a balled up wet diaper!).

Oh, one other thing I always recommend. We got a set of these cards from Baby Einstein (http://www.babyclassroom.com/baby-einstein-flash-cards.html). They were perfect for one-handed interaction when I was nursing. We could say, "can you find the duck"? and I could hold onto the card and read what it said -- much easier than juggling a book.

I labored 24 hours with my first before an emergency c-section and had a scheduled one for my second, so I can't compare there. What I DID find easier the second time, though, was having a newborn. I just didn't worry about sleep issues and feeding issues. I knew how fleeting that time is in a way that I couldn't fully believe the first time around.

[Melissa]

My kids are 26 months apart. We started talking about the new baby to my daughter pretty early and we read a lot of books. The books we read were "I'm a Big Sister" and "When You Were Inside Mommy" by Joanna Cole and "Waiting for Baby" and My New Baby" by Annie Kubler. The latter books don't have words, so we would read them using her names and our names. I also liked them because they showed the mother breastfeeding and I wanted to explain that to my daughter because I knew she'd be seeing it a lot! The books seemed to help a LOT in terms of preparing her for what was coming, and she still likes to read them now.

My second labor was so, so much faster and easier (first 20 hours, second 5 hours). I was so unprepared for how quickly things would go the second time that we didn't make it to the hospital on time--my husband delivered my son at home while we waited for the paramedics to arrive!

Unlike Jan, I didn't find having a newborn any easier. I expected to find the newborn phase a breeze this time and instead it kicked my ass just as hard as it did the first time. But being more experienced was definitely easier.

[caro]

Haven't read the other responses, but some things that worked / things I wish we'd done (kids are 27 months apart, baby is 4 weeks old so we're still at the beginning):

-Read lots of books about new babies. I like the Dr. Sears ones for kids, and also Waiting for Baby by Annie Kubler and I'm a Big Sister by Joanna Cole.(I think there's also a boy one).

-If the birth will involve separation from older child (ours did), be sure to talk up the 'mama and daddy will be away but then THEY WILL COME BACK and we will all be together' (I don't think we stressed this enough, and distress about the separation added to the initial anxiety around the whole new baby scene for Ingrid...)

-Remember you probably won't be able to lift the older child AT ALL for at least a couple of weeks after the birth. Seems obvious, but I didn't think of it, and then we had to rearrange Ingrid's whole bedtime routine around it (couldn't get her into the crib), yet another thing for her to feel insecure about. Should have changed things up ahead of time.

Labor: my second was 10 hours instead of 14. Felt more lucid & less crazed throughout, but pushing was much quicker (10 min. instead of an hour) and more painful.

[caramama]

Although we have only one (for now), we did have a slightly similar situation. My daughter started going to my mom's house when I went back to work when she was 3 months old. My mom was already watching my niece who was 16 months old. My niece went through some of the same issues as a new big sister would have, including wanting a bottle, to sit in the baby's bouncy seat, to play with the baby toys, to be picked up, etc. My mom let her do these things, and she quickly got bored with the baby toys and bouncy seat.

What we found that helped a lot was to get my niece a babydoll as a gift from my baby, and every time my mom would give my baby a bottle, she would encourage my niece to give her baby a bottle. Same for naps and playing and such. Also, my niece was around other babies (and my own) before my baby was there everyday, and I think being around babies in general helped and got her interested in babies.

Now, they do so great together and really entertain each other!

[LL]

My boys are exactly 18 months apart. on our pediatrician's advice we didn't really start talking about the new baby until the month before I was due. Then we read Joanna Cole's book over and over -- I really liked this one because it focused on the positive aspects of J's being a big brother rather than the rivalry.

The one thing I really want to encourage is to change the toddler's routine as little as possible. I work and so J always went to the sitter's house 4 days a week. It was a financial stretch, but we maintained him going to the sitter while I was out on maternity leave. While it was helpful to me to have alone time to the baby, the person who most benefitted from this was J as his routine was kept in place. As well, with all the changes going on at home he still had his support network in place at the sitter's house and got to spend time there where the new baby wasn't the focus of things. I think it really helped and now J and his little brother are the best of friends.

Second labor was far and away better than the first. Can't even compare the two.

Good luck!

[Awesome Mom]

My boys are 21 months apart. The best thing I did was to have people lined up to be around for a good solid month. My eldest would freak out when I was feeing the baby so it was nice to have Grandma there to help diffuse the situation and give him the special attention that he needed at that time. The adjustment period was very fast and now they are good friends (most of the time).

[O]

Get help. I have boys 22 months apart. Son 1 closed the books about having babies when we tried to read them to prepare. Once baby was here, ignored him, which turned to active dislike over the months. Honestly not sure what else I could have done. As you can see from most replies, this is unusual but I'm telling you so if it happens to you you don't need to worry you're the only one.
I wish...I'd had more help with the baby rather than the toddler when the baby came. I wish I'd had more contact with the toddler while I was in the hospital, but, that brings me to labor.
First boy was 9lb 14oz. Normal labor but back labor with an ineffective epidural. Took 12-14 hours in hospital to get him out, depending on how you count timing.
2nd boy was 10 days late. Went for testing, found I was contracting regularly but at 6 min intervals. Felt nothing at all. Baby was fine but fluid was so low they needed to induce right away.
Skipping details, 24 hours later, in a last ditch effort to stave off a c-section, they turned off the epidural. In 20 minutes, my 10lb 10.5oz behemoth arrived. Only good point: no tear, and recovery was pretty quick.
So. Not to be the voice of doom here, but I have struggled a lot to get to a point where I don't need to separate the boys constantly for fear of the older one hurting the younger. (Ironically, Mr. 10-10 is now in the 35%ile for weight, while his brother is still in the 90s, so we have a real discrepancy here.) And labor is different every time. Hopefully you don't need inducing but the fact that I was in early labor and felt nothing does suggest to me that in some ways the 2nd is easier.

[Colleen]

Moxie, our second child is due in December and at that time our daughter will be 33 months old. I'd love to hear what you did to prepare your three-year-old for the arrival of his little brother (maybe in another post sometime?).

Thanks!

[kelbelfel]

Second labor was a bit quicker and easier than the first; I was induced for both and really they were both pretty easy. What I did notice a major difference in, though, was the recovery. It's a MILLION percent easier the second time. I re-opened my tear from my first delivery, and even so, it was dramatically different. I suppose this isn't the case if your second labor has complications you didn't have the first time around, but comparing a couple of garden-variety labors, #2 was easier.

And having a newborn is much easier second time around, since you actually know what you are doing. :-) You're just WAY more tired, because you have to take care of the big kid too!

Good luck.

[Kate]

My daughter is 22 months older than my son. We talked a little bit about the baby coming, but we could tell it was a pretty fuzzy concept for her--instead we stressed 2 things.

First, for the 2 months prior, I showed her pictures of nursing babies every day and talked about how babies nurse. [Back issues of the LLL magazine New Beginnings, in case anyone needs it.] She nursed through my pregnancy (still does, 1x a day), so I didn't want her to think of it as something that only she did. She did not talk much at that age, but I felt like she had a really good handle on the fact that both she AND the baby were going to nurse.

1A was that while I was pregnant I got her used to nursing with time limits (one minute, until the count of 10, etc) because I was in pain sometimes--this proved useful later.

After we came home I let her nurse whenever she wanted to for "only one minute," in addition to her regular times (3-4x a day). That lasted only for a week or so before she realized that it really wasn't going to disappear, and the schedule returned to normal.

The second thing we talked up a LOT in the last month was her plan for overnights. I was due on Passover and we had moved in with my in-laws for the holiday; she stayed with them while I was at the hospital. Obviously she was familiar with her grandparents, but because she was still nursing had never stayed overnight with them. We talked a lot about sleeping over at their house--and my MIL really went above and beyond while I was away, essentially co-sleeping with her.

She did fine while I was gone, but after we all returned home, she was up 2-3 times a night crying for me. To reassure her that I really was not going to leave her again, we moved her toddler bed back to our room [she had been in her own room for a couple of months] so she could SEE me when she woke up. It took a few weeks, but she ultimately got back to her normal sleeping pattern and even improved it.

The first month or so, to my relief, she pretty much ignored him. Now (ages 3 and 16 months) she likes to use him, without his consent, for sparring practice. Sigh. But they do make each other laugh and laugh.

I was hoping for a 24 hour labor + vaginal birth the second time around, instead of a 3 1/2 day labor ending in a C/S [stalled at 4cm]. I got a 3 day labor that ended in a C/S after hours of unsuccessful pushing. But most of my friends have had shorter (3 hrs instead of 12, 6 hrs instead of 10, etc.) second labors, whether induced or not.

[me]

Great topic! My first two are 13mo apart, so it's not quite the same as your situation. My next (due any day) will be 2yrs apart from #2.

In my limited experience, definitely do all you can to keep the schedule the same. Make sure the caregiver while you are away is 100% on board. If you don't have a routine with a sitter, preschool, etc. don't beat yourself up over the days that you never leave your apartment. TV, although not ideal obviously, can seriously help you out when you're in "survival mode."

My #1 ignored #2 for a few months. If they are both crying for you at the same time, try and take care of #1 first, because he'll know more about what's going on than #2 will. You sort of get used to hearing the new baby crying more than you would like to, just don't get frustrated by it and try and keep your cool. If you can give your older a "job" to do, that also might help. Sing to the baby when (s)he cries, getting a favorite toy or shaking a rattle... good luck!

[Dooneybug]

My two are 14 1/2 months apart. Our daughter is just turning 2 weeks old tomorrow and our son will be 15 months old in two days.

So far his transition into being a big brother has been practically flawless. I think he's so young that he just rolls with it. Of course that could just be his personality or the fact that he's a boy - he's got more important things to worry about or get into. Mostly he doesn't pay much attention to her and I make sure he still gets one on one time with mommy.

All we really did to prepare him was to buy a small baby doll. We kept it out all the time and called it baby. After a few days he was calling it 'baby' and giving it kisses. And that's what he does now with the real baby - kisses her head and occasionally points to different body parts on her and asks what they are (like her ear or nose).

[Joylynn]

My daughter was 15 months old when her sister was born, so we didn't really talk about the baby much until the last month. She would point at my belly and say baby, but she probably didn't associate that with the crying newborn that showed up.

We had given her a baby doll for her first birthday, and it helped her to have her doll when I was holding or nursing the baby. The hardest part was that she didn't know that her sister was fragile and not another toy. She constantly wanted to hold her, push her in the baby swing, etc. She seemed to like it when we'd make her our "helper" with the baby and we tried to keep her daily schedule the same as it was before the baby arrived.

I did let the baby cry longer than I would have with my first if I was doing something with my older child and the baby was OK. That might just be a second-time mother thing though, because I felt more capapble dealing with crying since I'd done it before.

As for labor & delivery, I got to the hospital around 2am with my first (3 cm dilated) and had her at 4:07 am. I had been feeling "strange" all day, but only had noticable/timeable contractions for about 5 hours. For the second, I had contractions beginning around 6 pm, went to the hospital at 11 pm (2 cm)and had my second daughter at 4:47 am. Less pushing the 2nd time.

With #2, I felt more relaxed about the labor & delivery because I had been through it before and knew what to expect. It was obviously still as painful but I didn't have the scariness of the unknown.

Good luck!

[Sara]

My two ended up 2 years, 13 days and 12 hours apart (almost the same due date, just different ideas of punctuality). We only occasionally talked about a new baby because, as some one mentioned up above, I didn't think she'd get the concept of some day in the future. Even so, our daughter would occasionally say that I had a baby in my belly. It's only been a month, but so far she's adapted fairly well. She's still in daycare, which keeps her routine and saves my sanity, and we make a lot of effort to make sure she has one on one time with both of us. She's taken more of the nurturing route than the ignoring, but we'll see how it goes as he gets more and more active.

My second labor was very amazingly easy compared to the first. No pitocin, no retained placenta and yes to the epidural. Five hours from water breaking to pushing, 20 minutes of pushing instead of around 12 hours of labor and 2 1/2 hours of pushing. The boy child was even accommodating and came in the early afternoon instead of middle of the night.

[Kate]

"You sort of get used to hearing the new baby crying more than you would like to, just don't get frustrated by it and try and keep your cool."

Hell, yes. Especially if you are alone with the two of them. There is only one of you.

I did sling #2 an awful lot during times when I had to take care of #1 (meal times, in particular, I remember having him in a pouch so I could have my hands free). And also so she could run around at the park doing toddler things.

[Ladre]

Thanks for all the great responses! I've been reading one of the I'm a Big Brother Now-type of books to him and as the day draws closer, maybe I'll try a doll as well. My Ob suggested giving DS a gift "from the baby" when he visits us at the hospital, so we'll give that a shot too.

As for schedule, I work part-time and the DH works from home (watches the toddler solo while I'm at work) so we don't have any other caregivers to work around. I guess my MIL will come and stay for a few days to help out and then it'll be back to what I hope is a decent, but flexible, schedule.

I really hope that baby #2 is easier. Not that #1 was difficult - he wasn't and is actually an incredibly delightful kid - it's just that we were *so* clueless about how to care for a newborn. Now we're experienced and much more laid-back, I think.

One thing I'll definitely remember while in labor with #2 is to ask for less of an epidural. I couldn't feel to push for about 20 minutes and that slowed my labor down for a bit. Still, it was a relative breeze especially for a first labor and delivery.

Thanks again, everyone.

Oh - and if I can just ask another question: anyone have extra family (other than your partner, I mean) there during the delivery? I've - perhaps very unwisely, I'm not sure - asked my mom, a sister and my MIL if they'd like to be in the delivery room. Stupid??

[hedra]

Mine doesn't count. My first labor was 80 hours, my second I used hypnobirthing, and it was 4.5 hours. Third (the twins) also 4.5 hours. But the hypnotherapy also tends toward 4-6 hour labors, so that isn't necessarily because of the second/third labor thing...

In general, they're easier/shorter, but specifics can vary a lot. I do know people with longer/harder second labors. Usually due to malpositioning or much larger baby size.

I recommend Siblings Without Rivalry for sibling issues BEFORE the birth, especially. Just changing how you see it, how you express it, even the word choice, can make a big diff for their adaptation.

[hedra]

Simulpost!

I loved having my mom there, and my best friend, and my other best friend (first time), and two other friends (including one who had no kids and was unlikely to, so this was her best chance at seeing a birth) the second, and my mom and one of the friends from the second the third time.

Just make some general rules about not trying to take spotlight, and not grinning at you too much during pushing, and not trying to take too much care of you or make decisions for you. IF they stay back, it can be a real joy to share. If they interfere, it may suck.

[liz]

I only have the one, and my sister's kids are almost 3 years apart.

Her first birth was 40+ hours. Her second was less than 11. She says if she'd had the second type of birth first, she wouldn't have waited three years to have another.

[Mindy]

My daughter and son are 2 years and 2 days apart. Those first few months were tough. I agree with some other posters that a 2-year-old just can't grasp what's going to happen.
One thing I personally found really, really frustrating was people expecting my daughter to love her new baby brother. I ended up asking family to stop saying things like "Don't you just love your brother?" and "What a good mommy you are to him." It's simply not fair to ask a kid to love a new sibling, without jealousy, from day one.
However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My kids are 2 1/2 and 4 1/2, and they play together all day long. They sleep in the same room by choice and are absolute best friends, fiercely loyal to each other. We say all the time the best gift we ever gave our daughter was our son. It's hard, but it gets so much better.

[Julia]

Not to be a bearer of worry, but my second delivery was worse than the first. The first was 25 hours labor and a vaginal birth. The second was 18 hours of labor followed by c-section because he was "stuck". He was 7.4 pounds so not too big, his head was just turned slightly and he was up to far for the ob to turn him with his hand. So not fun! Mostly because I was so not prepared to deliver via c-section. I had read all about how much easier the second delivery goes and was so excited to just push him on out. I say, be prepared mentally and for recovery at home for anything and everything because you just don't know.

[Chief Family Officer]

My son Alex was 20 months old when his baby brother was born. Alex was old enough to understand what a baby is and that there was a baby in mommy's belly, but we found a board book called "I'm a big brother" by Joanna Cole that really helped give him an idea of what it's like to have a baby around. My husband read the book to Alex every night for a few months before our baby was born and taught Alex that babies cry a lot (demonstrating with loud "wah-wah"s) and that babies need to be touched gently (demonstrating "gentle-touching"). It at least made the concepts familiar when his little brother was born.

Also, as some of the other commenters have noted, having someone (in my case, my husband) who could pretty much take over the role of primary caregiver really eased the transition to older brother because my toddler still got someone's attention much of the time. It's been hard for me to have my son prefer daddy over mommy, but it's been good for him.

[lydia]

My kids are 24 months apart, little one is 6 months now. We did the books and talking about a baby brother coming, but I wish I hadn't gone on and on quite so much. My daughter was so anxious by the time of the birth that she actually seemed relieved when the day finally came! In retrospect, the suspense must have been killing her (I know that's how I felt).

Something I'm glad I did: in talking about her new brother, I made sure to tell her that he would probably seem like a nuisance in the beginning, but that I thought she would really like him one day. I think that's helped; she knows bad feelings are OK and temporary. For the most part, she is very nice to him.

As for the birth, yes second was much much easier. For me it was the pushing phase that took me by surprise. I was induced post-term with both pregnancies, and dilated pretty fast both times. With the first, though, I pushed for 5 hours. The second time, I think I was a little over-epiduralled and I had no urge to push though they told me I was ready. The nurses let me rest for a while but then were starting to feel like it was really weird for a second-timer to not want to push. The doctor checked me and said that he really thought the baby would come quickly if I pushed. I reluctantly and skeptically gave it a go. 4 pushes, and he was out (AND he was 10 pounds).

[Karen]

This is very timely. I am due at the end of November and my daughter will turn 3 in December. She definitely gets that a baby is on the way. In fact the first thing she said was that she wants a baby in her belly too - my poor husband nearly fainted. She loves my growing stomach and talks to her brother through my belly button. We have read the books, asked for her input on names, had her attend the ultrasound but I think the biggest help has been exposure to new babies in her friends' families. She has gone through periods of ignoring us if we talk about her baby brother or acting like a baby herself but these moments pass and then she gets excited again - we follow her lead.
An interesting moment happened when we took a video out of the library with footage of the baby in utero. I thought that it would help prepare her for the ultrasound and give her an idea of what the baby looked like at that stage. I hadn't realized that the video took you right through delivery and wasn't too concerned since my daughter didn't seem to be paying attention. As I sat thinking, "Oh God, I have to do that again" my daughter exclaimed with a great deal of joy "Mommy, the baby is going to come out of your bum!"
I am interested in hearing people's opinions/stories on how much to tell the older child about how the baby gets out and what they feel is age appropriate.

[me]

The baby comes out of your bum - - HA!!!!

[kelli]

My boys are 2 years, 10 days apart. We started telling my older son pretty early about the baby. He really liked listening to books at naptime and bedtime, so we read Joanna Cole's "I'm a Big Brother" and "Let me tell you about my baby," by Roslyn Banish (SO CUTE!) to him when he was about 18 months old.

The second is now 21 months old and we're expecting a (surprise!) third. So, we had to get all of the old books back from our friends.

DS1 loved to drive his matchbox cars on "Boppy Road" while I was feeding my first. He also liked to carry a teddy bear (Ikea's Blund bear) in a mini sling that Grandma made for him, and feed the bear on his boppy (a travel neck pillow). I would sit on a loveseat during the day to feed DS2, so DS1 would drag over his Magna Doodle drawing board and put it on the couch next to me so he could draw pictures while I was feeding.

First labor: We were clueless and didn't realize I was in labor until I was 7cm and ready for an epidural. Baby born (3 weeks early) after 2 hours of pushing.

Second labor: My water broke and they were worried about my gestational hypertension/pre-eclampsia, so as soon as I arrived I was hooked up to an IV and monitor which were annoyances as I tried to walk around. At least I talked them out of the catheter this time! After being at the hospital for 6 hours with no progress, they gave me pitocin. It really started to kick in about 5 in the morning. I was threatened with a C-section and then felt like I needed to push. I think the hard labor was about 2 1/2 hours and the pushing was about 10 minutes. I used hypnobirthing techniques and avoided a second epidural.

Third birth: ??!!

[Tiny]

In my family labors are short to start with - mine was 4 hours. I had a homebirth and plan on one for the second. With my sister's though her second was only about an hour.. so hopefully the midwives will get here in time.

[Olya]

My two boys are 20 months apart.

With the first one, I got to the hospital at 4 am, 7 cm dilated, and gave birth 12 hours later, in a "if you don't push the baby out now, or it will be a C-section for you" situation, because the baby was facing the wrong way and was not cooperating with attempts to turn him.

With the second one, got to the hospital around 8 am, also at 7 cm. It was a Sunday, and my doctor was not on call, but said he would come in at 10:30, right after church, if I have not given birth by then. My husband was joking that we had a window of opportunity between 10:30 and noon, when a football game he wanted to watch started. Our second son was born at 10:50. Am I good, or what? *grins*

I had an epidural both times, too, so at least for me having it did not seem to have prolonged labor.

We did try telling our oldest about the baby, and so did his teachers at daycare. I am not sure how much of it he actually understood ;-) He would occasionally poke me in the stomach with a finger and look at me quizzically, but that was about it. My husband is an awesome father, so were fortunate not to have any problems with him adjusting to having a younger sibling, because Daddy was always there for him.

[yasmara]

My experiences have been similar to O's and Chief Family Officer's above. We have 2 boys, 19 months apart. We started preparing our oldest for his brother's arrival about halfway through the pregnancy (probably around the time we found out we were having a boy). We even told him the name (but no one else!), but that didn't seem to help much. He was a bit of a late talker, so pretty much all he'd say about his unborn brother was "bayBEE."

We read My New Baby by Annie Kubler a lot (http://www.amazon.com/My-New-Baby/dp/0859539741/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/103-4612785-6287065?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189172299&sr=1-1). It doesn't actually have words, just pictures, but it shows the mom breastfeeding and the dad carrying the new baby in a front-carrier, so we liked that it related directly to things we would be donig. The toddler and the baby are both fairly gender neutral so you could use it for any sibling mix except twins (um, as long as you are white, as is pretty much everyone in the book - I imagine trying to find a multicultural new-baby book is more difficult).

All of this preparation aside, the older one absolutely did NOT get what "new baby" meant. Maybe we should have talked more about the baby joining our family forever because it was clear that our older son was surprised to see that the baby was still around after his first night home.

My 2nd labor was very similar to my first (long, painful back labor for posterior/sideways kid, epidural, pitocin, short pushing, screaming baby, minor tear, easy recovery) but compressed into 12 hours instead of 49 hours. Pushing was 10 minutes or less (only 30 minutes the 1st time).

I actually found the last few weeks of pregnancy (especially because the 2nd one went to 41 weeks) to be far worse than the postpartum period in terms of my energy level, ability to move around and keep up with my toddler, etc. My mom arrived in mid-November and the baby wasn't born until December 6th, but it was just as fantastic to have her around before the birth as it was after. I cooked a bunch of things for the freezer in advance and we also ate a lot of sandwiches and take-out.

My older son continued going to daycare every week (on a reduced schedule) during my (paid) maternity leave and that was great for us. It gave him stability in his routine, gave me a break, and meant that when I went back to work and the kids were in daycare every day, it wasn't as big of a shock.

We have had (and continue to have) issues with the older one being aggressive towards the baby or accidentally doing something that's not safe for the baby. I think this is much more visible when the siblings are close in age. We watch the boys very closely when they are together and praise the gentle interactions.

It does make it very difficult when there's only 1 adult around to get anything done because you can't leave the room with the kids alone on the floor together. When the baby was smaller, I did a lot of sling time and now that he is self-feeding somewhat I stick him in the high chair with cheerios and he's happy for a while. The hardest period was before the older one started talking and when the younger was wobblier. Now I feel a little better because the baby is sturdier and can move around on his own (9 months) although he wants desperately to walk and tries to stand up all the time.

Just as we figure out one stage, a new one hits us!

[Miss Lilywhite]

I keep telling my partner that there is not enough information on the Internet (and otherwise) about how to deal with two under two! Ours are 18 months apart - the baby is 3 months old now. I wish I had bought the suggested flashcards earlier (I'm going out tomorrow to purchase). I agree that some days you will not leave the house and rely too much on TV, but hey, there's only so much you can do.

My second labour was incredibly quick. Two hours, pushed for 7 minutes. Best line I read about how to know you're in labour the second time around: when you say to yourself "why the hell am I doing this again!"

Good luck. I hear it gets easier ;-)