Discussion: Parenting tapping into rage and hurt

I read all the comments on Shandra's question yesterday, and it struck me that I don't think we've ever talked here about how much becoming a parent can crack open all sorts of powerful and negative emotions you thought you had a handle on or didn't even know you had in the first place.

I found that parenting each of my children, especially when they were teeny tiny, tapped into completely different but nasty emotions in me. Not that I felt bad about my children. (Other than the fact that they weren't sleeping, wanted to be held all the time, had robbed me of my identity as a person, etc. etc.--the usual new-mother mindf**k.) On the contrary, it made me wonder how anyone could fail a child when the things children demanded from you were so basic.

Looking back, it's interesting to me that my two kids each tapped into something completely different, and I reacted in different ways to those feelings.

(Are you guys getting frustrated that I'm not being specific? I am, but so many people in my family read Ask Moxie that I just can't be direct. Besides, this is really about you--I'm just trying to start the conversation off.)

How, also, do you deal with these emotions when you can't be open about them with the people who inspired them in you? Besides posting them here, of course. ;-)

I feel like I'm not hitting the ideas and words correctly today, like something about this is off, but I'm hoping you're all getting the essence of what I'm asking: Were you surprised by how angry and sad you could feel about how well you were doing with your own child, and how afraid you were that you might not be able to keep it up? Were you able to turn to the generation above you for help, or was it a second abandonment, even if only in little, around-the-edges ways? Do you think it ended up being healing for you, or do you think it cracked open some things that you're still having problems navigating through?

As usual, to post anonymously, put a fake URL in the URL box, and a fake email in the email box.

Comments

[Beth]

I had considerable issues with my MIL--until la Pequena came, and so did she, spoiling me rotten for a week solid..I didn't have to touch a dish or a dirty piece of laundry the whole time she was here.

Imagine my amazement, then, when my mother, who showed up just as the MIL left, and who is a veteran grandma of three from my older sibs, gave the definite impression that the grandbaby was just an excuse to visit someplace she'd never been, and we wanted her to do *what?*.

I felt betrayed that all this time I had been harboring resentment for the wrong mother, and was very abruptly reminded of my mother's voice telling me and anyone who would listen around me how much work kids are, how you never have time for yourself, how they make you crazy...OK, I've found those things to be true, but I still LOVE my daughter. I've definitely gotten the idea more than once that my mother was never really crazy about children (which mystifies me, then, why she had four). As the last, I'm pretty sure I came around right around the time that childrearing lost what little fascination she once found in it.

She did a great job with what she had to work with, but I can't help feeling like I was an imposition on her and her life as a child (she likes us all perfectly well now that we're all fully independent adults). So much so that I was SCARED to have my daughter, that I would be as pulled under by the rigors of motherhood as my own mother was.

So, perhaps I should thank her for the reverse psychology, because dear god, I LOVE my child, and she is the definition of 'bundle of joy' for me. For all my fear of motherhood, I have found that I LOVE being my baby girl's mother. More than ANYTHING.

But no, I don't ask for advice. From her *OR* the MIL. that's what the internet is for.

[Another anon]

It is curious how this conversation is both drawing me back again and again and yet disturbs me. I think my mother was more involved, more present, more caring with my brother and I than I am with my kids. She is super good with babies and she bailed me out many many times when my daughter was a newborn. And the "but" is the uncomfortable part. But my brother and I didn't turn out to be very nurturing types. But I just don't enjoy child care, especially all day and night. But I don't feel natural at it. But she made the SAHM thing look fun and good and it really can drive me crazy. There are some good and bad reasons I am still a SAHM (my kids are now 6 and 3 and we are trying for #3 and that is making it hard to make decisions about returning to work. And I do enjoy my kids. And I miss them when I am gone. And I like the rhythm of our lives, it just isn't how I expected it to go.

But my kids adore her. And see her daily. And I hope that they can benefit from the two-fer, all of the early childhood nurturing that she excels at and the later childhood things I think I will be better at. At least I hope so. Thus more discomfort.

I do remember in the early days of my daughter's babyhood, when even my mom admits she was challenging, that I was so mad at her for making it look easy. And never getting mad. And I can only think she must have repressed a lot or else why didn't she teach me that? A thought-provoking conversation.

[Jean]

Anon, thanks for the clarification. I didn't get it before, but my attention is pretty fragmented right now. And while I don't necessarily get the irrational outrage over things, I do get the ugly judgmental thoughts about others. That's the demon I fight regularly.

Sorry for any misunderstanding I contributed to.

[Mommy-O]

Wow, this discussion is wonderful and reassuring. Hearing from those who had good parenting role models and not so good or absent parents has shown me that some of my parenting issues just come with the territory, e.g., challenges in marriage, anger, etc. and some from the way I was raised. I went straight to my library website and put "Birth of a Mother" and "Parenting from the Inside Out" on hold.
I am pregnant with our 2nd child and due in November. I really wanted a sibling for my daughter but when I found out I was pregnant, I cried for 2 days because I felt so guilty and worried that this 2nd child would overshadow my daughter who I feel so blessed to have. She is so much more than I could ever have expected and I don't want anything to take that away. I have since become more excited about our baby boy on the way but definitely have lingering issues that I know come from my own childhood.
My parents divorced the year I started university and my dad went through a huge self-awareness kick, even recommended Harville Hendrix to me. During this time I was fortunate enough to have my dad apologize for being abusive at times when I was a kid. He also revealed/confirmed that my mom would protect my sister when we got in trouble but not me. My sister had been on phenobarbital which apparently made her hyper so my mother would say that she couldn't help the way she behaved.
Despite this I am actually fairly close to my mom and see her quite often and she is a wonderful Nana to my daughter. Lately though she has told stories of how when I was 2 or 3 years old I would never sit still and always needed my mom's attention unlike my sister who could sit quietly and entertain herself. You can actually still hear the frustration in her voice. It infuriates me and I feel like telling her to get over it. That at 2 or 3 I was hardly intentionally trying to drive her crazy, it's just what kids that age do.
Anyway, it has made me realize that I really have to put some of this into perspective before our new baby arrives. I've gone to therapy for my dad's abusiveness but somehow never touched on my feelings about my mom. Guess it's time.
Whew! Thanks.

[Katie]

It is amazing how each child taps into a different part of the psyche and releases "new" stigmas and fears that you either did not know or forgot were there.

Each child has made me realize how differently I hope to raise my own children. My parents certainly did not do the worst job ever, however, their professions and roles as parents should have made them more protective of the children they let be abused in their own home.

My first child definitely brought out these fears full-force. Anxiety Anxiety Anxiety! Now that I have a second child I am again reliving this anxiety and hoping to find a way to work through it with out disowning the parents I have tried so hard to forgive.

I want to teach my children the value of forgivness, I just have to figure out how to truly do so first.

[rebecca]

I've stayed up far too late reading all the comments...

I think the biggest driving force in how I parent is that I never remember feeling particularly close to my mother. To this day, I describe her as a pill. She's far better with my son than I would have imagined, and I think she feels like we have something in common now so she'a a bit easier. But the fact of the matter is that I gave up wishing her to be someone she wasn't years ago (yay therapy) and that necessarily disconnected us a bit emotionally but also made it so much easier to be normal with each other. But I REALLY want to have a deep emotional connection with my son. Not in a weird way, but I do want him to come to my husband and I easily when he needs us, and hopefully he will enjoy and want to share his life with us more than what happened with my parents or my husbands parents.

My mother certainly loves me, but being adopted throws in a monkey wrench in funny ways. Dad was easier, he's a big emotional softie.

I just never ever want my son to doubt that he has all the love and support in the world. This is sometimes almost overwhelming to me. I want to go and pick him up in the middle of the night and just hold him and watch him sleep. I am sad that my back is all screwy and I can't carry him more during the day.

Yes, all of these things are what I wish things had been like for me.

[Shandra]

Just - yes. :)

[pnuts mama]

i know this is waaaaaaaay down the end of the comments, but when i read through again i realized that my comment about baby einstein was kind of obnoxious to Anon- so i just wanted to apologize. just as i don't think the majority of readers here park their kids in front of the tv all day, i re-read your original comment, anon, and i don't think you meant that watching BE is as bad as having an abusive alcoholic parent. sorry that i drew that comparison.

someday maybe we'll have a post to discuss all the research about kids, pre-teens and adult brain development with regard to exposure to tv/media. because it clearly seems to be yet another thing we worry about! take care, anon.

[hedra]

I'll have to go back and read the comments later...

I think I was prepared a little for the fact that this was going to rake up every bit of debris in my psyche, since I was a good decade and a half into the abuse-recovery process, and most of the women I knew in the process started it up when their kids were first born... because then, it was impossible to evade, ignore, dodge, whatever they'd been doing up to then. Your kids make you vulnerable to the things that are there in ways that you cannot defend against.

So, I was in therapy before and through my pregnancy, and even had my therapist linked up with my midwives, and on call for labor, in case that should bring up anything more than they were able to handle (the midwives had dealt with a great deal of 'fresh' stuff during labors, sometimes first memories of abuse would surface then, which to me is just heartbreaking). But, for me, labor was healing, profoundly. During pushing was the first time I remembered being totally whole and complete, period. It was the first time I proved to myself that no matter what came before, my core was me, and nobody else.

That said, I still had plenty of echoes of cr*p after that. And the miscarriages threw more into mangle. I finally understood how a person could kill a child in rage, when sleep deprivation plus (at that time) very mild PPD plus colic sent me into the place where I had only been before when reflecting the killing rage memories from having been abused.

I also ached for the wholeness I could have had, when I saw it in my kids. And the 'sympathy years' periods were hard - the ages at which I was abused were the hardest in general for me to deal with effectively. Too much other stuff going on, not enough emotional space to handle the whole deal as well as I otherwise might have. Which is still variable, but humans are like that.

My mom has really been a superior support, though. The main thing she taught me was that it is about the love and the hands-on expressions, and about trying and learning and trying again. One of the stories I grew up on was that her first child, who had hydrocephaly and died in early childhood, taught her how to be a parent. Her own parents were beyond total losses, they were horrors. So when she became a parent, she had NOTHING to go on. Her son, imperfect and challenging, but ever-loving, would show the hurts she produced like a chalkboard, stark and clear, and then each morning, he would wake wiped clean and full of love again. She learned to not do the things that hurt, through seeing them written on his life for a day. It was a godsend, a great gift, to be able to restart each day fresh, and learn, and learn, and learn again. He died at 3 years old. My mom is the most brilliant parent to children under three. She's easy, in tune, balanced. After three, she had to practice on the rest of us, without that erase-and-start-fresh grace. But she still tried, and always, always stayed humble and willing to learn over and try again.

That's what I took from her parenting, and applied myself. She as a grandparent still works that way - she has bad habits, and did some totally GAH things regarding us as siblings (she was saddened by reading Siblings Without Rivalry, because she spotted so many of our adult issues in how she'd mishandled the sibling issues), and she made other general errors of intuition or through lack of knowledge. But she always did her best, and still does. She takes criticism well, provided we're constructive about it, and offers advice as offers only, and not as instruction. There were some initial struggles as she adapted to being the grandparent instead of the parent, but overall, she's brilliant at it.

So, I think that has made that part of it easier. But yes, there are still echoes and issues and fear and regret. I try to stay away from guilt - regret is acceptable, guilt isn't merited. We're doing our best, and so guilt is not relevant. Regrets, hoo, boy, regrets. But ... but I'm human. And I scr*w up. I become inflexible, and throw tantrums over my children being inflexible and throwing tantrums.

I don't really get hooked by the age-echo thing anymore. I have a hard time even remembering the ages I had traumas at in the first place, now. Seven, that one I remember. Seven, not my favorite age in kids, either. Funny, that. But it could have been that way anyway, so I let it be. It doesn't have to be related.

I now tend to be more hypersensitive to issues related to my own errors, rather than the errors that were made with me. I think that's a good sign, though maybe I'm just crazy. I over-focus on reflux and anxiety issues, because those are the ones I 'blew' with my kids, at least at first.

I'm sure I'll have more echoes coming up - the oldest get to hit those first, lucky him. But after 7, I was already 'busted', but I wasn't abused further. My mom was in her own abuse recovery, and life wasn't perfect but it wasn't coming apart. I've already hit the sibling issues, and the emerging sexuality issues (oh, the joys of early puberty). I'm working on the temper tantrums and the inflexibility, but I think those are more temperment on my part than history. And I still am always learning, always willing to recognize where I've blown it and try something else. I don't expect to be perfect, and some days, I expect to be pretty sucky, but I don't think I'll ever stop trying to do it better. That's one thing I got from my upbringing that I'm not at all bothered to carry around in my psyche.

[hedra]

Oh, forgot the 'different kids, different issues' thing...

for me, that's more 'personality fit or reflection of myself or my sibs' than parenting-of-myself related.

Like, M reminds us much of one of my sisters, R reminds us much of another. Neither is an exact match (obviously), but the issues and relationships have echoes. Still, I have decent relationships with my sibs, at this point. My last big issue was with my little brother, who was 'the golden child' with his dad (my step-dad), and was grossly favored. So I resist favoritism like crazy. BUT, all issues with him resolved when he had his first child, and our last visit was easy and smooth, no remainders of the friction left. All had been forgiven through him becoming a parent, as well.

I think having done scads (and I mean SCADS, LOL!) of self-help and therapeutic work before having kids was a huge blessing. I can spot stuff coming, and separate it out most of the time. And when I get blindsided, it is still only a matter of days before I've combed it through and separated what was from what is.

[hedra]

Gah, third thing...

I think one of the hugest things for me being freed from the major parent-to-child pattern was my mom turning to me one day and saying, 'you know, you're a better mother than I ever was. I did my best with what I had, but you REALLY work for it.' And likewise, for me to be able to say in reply, 'I can do this well because you did what you did, reinvented parenthood for yourself, and taught me what it meant to learn and try again.' It's the gender-role reflection of a father telling his son he's proud of him, and the son replying that he can succeed so well because of what his father taught.

[Sarah]

Like others have said, I, too, had lots of feelings and memories get drummed up while caring for my daughter. This is especially true during the wee hours when everything is quite, including baby, and there's that moment of solitude where you can take those 5 seconds and think a complete thought.
I read this topic early this morning and have been thinking about my perspective all day. So much so I think I may have to write it out just to get it off my mind, if not for anything else.
My parents were not the ideal parents. At the risk of sounding far too harsh, they were terrible role models and in spite of my grandparents being principals of the school of "every noise she makes means something's wrong" my own parents were pretty vacant.
When taking care of my daughter, even while inside me, I want/wanted to understand her. In hindsight, I don't see how I could ever be a good mommy to her without making an attempt to see the world through her eyes and help her work her way through it.
My parents didn't understand me or my sister at all. I don't see how they possibly could remembering some of my childhood experiences. It makes me feel so hurt. I look at my daughter and can't imagine ever doing or saying some of the things that have been done to me. How could any parent?
I guess what felt like an epiphany to me doesn't make any earth-shattering commentary, so I guess I'll sum up by saying thank you for all the moms here who have helped me gain insight into my daughters world and be a better mommy. You've benefited me more than I could ever share in a blog post.

[kate]

Anyone else feel sorry for those baby monkeys? :-(

[Shelley]

For me, the issue is a little different -- my mother was and is a wonderful mom. I know I'm very lucky in that respect, and am grateful for it every single day. But I do sometimes have real feelings of inadequacy, that I can never be as good of a mother as she was... particularly in the area of patience. We all know how trying small kids can be, and occasionally I completely lose my temper and yell and am really ashamed of it, especially when my perception is that my mother never did something similar.

[anonymous]

I was absolutely amazed (and shocked, and horrified) at the amount of rage I felt almost immediately after my daughter was born. I have, quite literally, never been so angry in my entire life. It was just pure, visceral rage, almost hatred, that just boiled up at the drop of a hat.

I'm bipolar, and hormones have always done horrible things to my moods, but pregnancy and motherhood have really brought this to the forefront. I may seem like the most normal, average mother in the world (maybe even a little above average), but now at any given point I can snap and turn into this raving, screaming lunatic. Sometimes I have to go put myself in time out to avoid hitting the kids.

I feel so disconnected from other moms - I didn't want kids, I didn't plan my kids, and I wasn't happy when I got pregnant. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone else, because everyone else is always so damn happy with their kids. They just seem to revel in motherhood - I can't do that.

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. I love them to distraction. They can make me happier than almost anyone else. But I still can't keep from getting angry sometimes.

I don't really know if this is even related to the original post, since I think my rage is really mostly biological, but I just wanted to get it off my chest, even if it is anonymous. Thanks.

[Melanie]

I've recently started therapy for this exact reason. I'm trying really hard to let go of the rose-y ideal of parenting that I wish I had experienced with my own parents ... but it is hard. I remember breast feeding Zoe in the middle of the night and feeling that completely overwhelming tide of love and then wondering when it was that my mother stopped loving me.

And when I found out I was pregnant with a girl, I too was worried I would f*** it up.

[Emily]

My firstborn just turned two months old this week, and this post really resonates with me. He's a "high-need" baby, always in my arms or my husbands', only falling asleep next to one of us (although I'm beginning to think this is more the norm for babies his age than the contrary!).

For the first month or so I was angry and resentful of him for this. I thought I had no preconceived ideas before he arrived of what a baby "should" be like, but this constant hands-on mothering came as a complete surprise. It didn't help that my parents both pitied me for having such a "difficult" baby, and remembered that I was "easy" in comparison. I felt angry with myself and with him, I thought I was doing something wrong, and the anger led to helpless bouts of crying (on my part as well as the baby's) almost every day.

I now realize how ridiculous I was! Something just clicked with me sometime in the last three to four weeks -- I think it may have been helped by long discussions with my wonderful and nurturing mother-in-law and my husband's aunt -- and I realized a couple important things: a) my son needs me, and my instinct to nurse him/cuddle him/hold him/carry him constantly is a GOOD thing; I'm not spoiling him, despite the Nth person who tells me I am and b) this is a wonderful way for me to accept early on the child that I have and love him for who he is, an acceptance I didn't always get from my own parents when I was a child.

This was all hammered home this week when I realized suddenly that despite the extremely fragmented night's sleep, despite the four-hour nap he took on my chest in the Baby Bjorn when I daren't move him and could barely bend to tie my shoes, despite my apartment that looks like a hurricane hit, I'd spent a day with my baby that filled me utterly and completely with joy. For the first time the stress (temporarily) evaporated and I just felt soooo happy to be with him, soooo happy to take care of him as his mother.

Perhaps not so coincidentally I talked to my own mother that night and she told me something that shocked me:

"I think it's unreasonable that he's demanding constant companionship like that."

I hadn't realized it before, but I was expected to be "reasonable" from a young age, to fit into an adult world far before I was ready... and this realisation made me both angry and sad. Best that I discover this now so I can hopefully avoid making some of the same mistakes.

[Foster]

Something that I find to be very interesting the older I get: When our parents had us, they were *just like us* at the time. They did not know what they were doing. However, as kids, we are wired to view our parents as infinite wisdom-spouting oracles. At my fathers funeral, one of the photos I picked out to display was of him holding me on my baptism day. He is sitting on the couch in a tank top and cut-off jeans. Hes young as ever (27) and has goofy hair and a lopsided smile. Dh and I looked at this pic and both said, "Would you ever on Earth trust the care of your infant to this man??" But you know what? He was an awesome dad. Stuff like this, that reminds me of their humanism, not their parentism, really has helped me to see that we all basically do the best we can. My mom was (and is) far from perfect, but I know enough about her and her relationship w/ her own parents to know that she parented better than, but similar to, the way they parented. And I think thats what a lot of people end up doing: better than, but similar to.

I am interested to see how the birth of our baby will change the dynamics between dh and me and amongst our family members. Dh has abandonment issues, which I can already see a little poking out in the way he is so caring and considerate of me and this baby. How much he already values it more than I thought he would. And I have a lot of resentment with things that my mom did or did not do that I have vowed to do differently. That makes me headstrong and prideful, so I guess well see how quickly the baby knocks all of that down, lol. This was a very nice topic, and everyones responses were interesting to read.

[Andrea]

My mother always said that her only desire when growing up was to be a mother. She got married and had two kids and she was a wonderful mom who was doing the only thing she ever in her entire life wanted to do. She didn't do everything perfectly, in fact, there are some things she did that make me resentful to this day, but overall, we have a good relationship and she did a great job.

But I was not the person who loved having a newborn baby. My son is now 11 months old and only in the last few months have I really started to enjoy motherhood. I don't think there's anything wrong with me or with this experience. I have still been a good mom to him, it just hasn't been the overwhelmingly amazing experience I believed it would be. It's getting there.

But when I say something like, "I am so tired of holding his bottle for him," or any other trivial complaint, she will undoubtedly act like she was never, ever frustrated or less than enamored with caring for us as infants. I mean, honestly, she couldn't have loved every minute of it (NO ONE CAN) but she would never let on to me that she didn't. It drives me bonkers and makes me feel like I can't express my honest opinions and feelings with her - because she's looking down her nose at me a bit.

I wonder though, if she's worried that telling the truth would make me feel like she hadn't loved me enough as a child? When the truth is that hearing that she wasn't the perfect mother and struggled herself would be so much more valuable to me.

[Kate]

Sam, I found myself getting completely weepy (and it's not pp hormones, my youngest is 17 months) at your comment. I have felt all alone in my parenting journey at times, but never so early in the going. In that vein, I've offered to friends to be the person they call at 3 am because they are having problems latching or the baby won't stop crying--and nobody's taken me up on it. (Maybe if I billed myself as a post partum doula and charged them?! :-)

AmyinMotown, I think I am you. Not the child you (my childhood was different obviously), but the adult you--complete with a husband cut from the same cloth. I am always curious as to how I am going screw up next....

[Nancy]

I am still surprised at the rage I feel on a daily basis. I recognize it building up and I recognize it coming out but it feels like I am powerless to stop it. And when I do stop it from coming out, there is no relief from it other than solitude and deliberately forgetting about it. Heh, which I can't get until after the kids bedtimes.

I do feel my mother has hurt me and failed to support me and can point out several instances during the past few years and I remember some from my childhood. She just was not there for me when I really needed it (I have recently found our her mother was not good with children). Neither was my father who was eventually diagosed as bi-polar. Could my rage be a result of how I was non-parented? Or is it simply being overwhelmed with raising a 5 yr old and twin 2 yr olds myself? While my irrational behavior slips out easily now, I think it has always been there.

This does lead me to the question of why was it there? Interestingly enough, it also has me questioning why I and my brothers don't have very many family childhood memories. I know children have very self-centric views of the world but our few memories didn't include many instances of parental involvement. I almost have the feeling that we were cut off somehow at an early age. I don't think any physical abuse took place but that still leaves the field wide open for anything else.

Thanks for letting me type out this stream of thought. There are several paths I want to sit and think about and it helps to write it down. I think my goals are to change my behavior and to be a calmer mother to my children so they won't have my rage or won't go through life not remembering much about their childhoods and not knowing why.

[Ann]

What reading these comments has made me see is not just how becoming a mother can stir up unresolved feelings, but how much WE need to be mothered during this time. I too feel quite a bit of sadness over some of the choices my parents made during my upbringing, but what I find I most seek is the kind of comfort I give to my son -- warmth, hugs, the non-judgemental reassurance that everything is going to be all right. I find providing this kind of mothering is healing for me, but more than anything I wish I had it for myself.

[Fran Walsh]

I am so relieved to read your honest feelings. I drive my husband mad with my *constant* (as he would say) thoughts about my parenting skills, mostly related to huge amounts of guilt.

My daughter is 13 months old and I have days where I could sit and cry. I look back and realise what little I knew about babies before she was born, and I just thought 'motherly instinct' would kick in. Ha! I had a horrendous birth experience which didn't help with immediate bonding and I think caused stress for my baby which resulted in an awful lot of crying.

All I knew was what I had (suprisingly unknowingly) gleaned from my Mum about how she raised me and my brother, which involved a lot of CIO and delayed response so 'we would learn'. I always responded quickly to my daughter but did naively think that if I'd set up a little bedtime routine there was no reason why she shouldn't fall asleep (if she fussed, that was ok). I also thought babies fell asleep easily when they were tired (I had a lot of friends around me with placid babies.

Everything got worse though and I just didn't know what to do. I read a parenting book and although it helped me get on track, it made me question all my beliefs about parenting and also what I'd done so far with my daughter. This was when she was about 7 months old and immediately I felt intense guilt (this was after months of anger like I've never felt before, frustration, loneliness, a trapped, claustrophobic feeling, yearning to be 50 so that my parenting life would be over). The guilt was the worse thing. I felt I had done everything wrong and that I've damaged my daughter forever. If I have a difficult day with her I blame it all on those first months of her life where I was less than adequate. How awful.

I don't know if I'll ever feel good about myself again. I'm a perfectionist and hate failure which is why this is hard for me. I also wonder now whether some aspects of my personality are related to my upbringing which is kinda hard to deal with. I don't blame my Mum, I love her and she was a great Mum, but had her own issues.

Now I know how not to do things, but I feel that is at my daughter's expense. I feel lousy and sick if i think about it too hard.

I'm pregnant again so although this is exciting for me, it is also bringing back memories of my first pregnancy, how excited i was, and how it all went wrong. I feel more confident this time round but scared that with having another less-than-two-year-old to look after, I'm going to sink.

I didn't think being a parent would make me question everything I do and analyse my responses so intently all the time. I hope it's a good thing that i do that, and I know I've learned a lot now. I just hope I'm doing ok and all I want is for my children to be happy and well-adjusted to life.

[Katy]

Wow, look at the nerve you've tapped into. This is a silent thing - everyone faces it, no one talks about it, not face-to-face, anyway.

Yes, I'm stunned at the negative feelings I have, too often. I went into counseling to help me understand why this thing I wanted for so long - to be a mom - was such a frustration and difficulty. I have two boys now, and the elder one, 4, was diagnosed with autism this year; the younger one is 8 months old and rarely sleeps at night.

I feel stretched to such limits, and I don't mind that, but every so often the monster within lashes out and I realize, oh, I haven't eaten in hours, or slept in months, and no one's here to help! My husband is, of course, but he works ... what I mean is, no extended family within the time zone.

I guess the best we can do is try again the next day, explain and apologize, and do some self-examination when time allows. I have so much more to learn and owe my kids so much more than I'm able to do, it feels like. Other people keep praising the job we're doing but I can't forget the ugly moments.

Thank you for bringing this topic up and for letting so many of us vent, ask questions, share toxic experiences, etc. Might make for a better day for a lot of kids.

[Katy]

Wow, look at the nerve you've tapped into. This is a silent thing - everyone faces it, no one talks about it, not face-to-face, anyway.

Yes, I'm stunned at the negative feelings I have, too often. I went into counseling to help me understand why this thing I wanted for so long - to be a mom - was such a frustration and difficulty. I have two boys now, and the elder one, 4, was diagnosed with autism this year; the younger one is 8 months old and rarely sleeps at night.

I feel stretched to such limits, and I don't mind that, but every so often the monster within lashes out and I realize, oh, I haven't eaten in hours, or slept in months, and no one's here to help! My husband is, of course, but he works ... what I mean is, no extended family within the time zone.

I guess the best we can do is try again the next day, explain and apologize, and do some self-examination when time allows. I have so much more to learn and owe my kids so much more than I'm able to do, it feels like. Other people keep praising the job we're doing but I can't forget the ugly moments.

Thank you for bringing this topic up and for letting so many of us vent, ask questions, share toxic experiences, etc. Might make for a better day for a lot of kids.

[dwayneharcutts]

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[ridiculouslyold]

I really applaud the honesty I read on here. I am 51 and raising 3 beautiful and wonderful grandkids ages 10,7 and 5. I fought to have them with me full time as their parents are, well, idiots and at present both incarcerated. The kids have been with me full time for 3 yrs and most of the time since the oldest was 3 months old and I love them intensly and feel blessed to have this chance to take care of them. I never had my own kids (thier mother is my step-daughter) and probably wouldn't have wanted them so badly if I had already done this earlier in life. My difficulty is with the lack of patience and anger that spews from me at times, especially with my middle one who is ADD but on meds and doing unbelievebly well!!! He can send me from 0-100 in 10 seconds flat and the other two are just as upset as he when this happens. Then I feel like the worst mom ever and hate that I haven't learned how to "chill" in those situations. They are all really good kids and I am a great "mom" for the most part, but I know that these moments in time will leave a scar and affect them later in life and they already have enough bullshit to carry because of their parents. Any suggestions would be welcome.
Signed,
Menopause and Puberty-a family drama- haha

[ugg outlet store]

the gray sea and the long black land;and the startled little waves that leap in fiery ringlets from their sleep