About Me

My name is Magda Pecsenye, and I write Ask Moxie.

I'm an ordinary mom of two kids (both boys, ages 8 and 5) who started blogging and making comments on other people's blogs. Some of them thought my comments were helpful, so they asked me to start an advice blog. I thought it would be funny, so I did. That was in November 2005.

I've been a married SAHM, a married WAHM, a divorcing WOHM, a divorced WAHM, and now I'm a divorced WOHM. I live in NYC, which I hate, but have been stuck here for a variety of reasons for years. If I was allowed to, I'd go back to the Midwest, to raise my boys in a house with a yard and room to run around and just be kids, where I could afford to buy something, and where they could see their grandparents every month.

I don't know where my parenting bent lies. I think you know your own kids best. I probably fall on the slightly crunchy side of things. I was definitely left of the mainstream when my kids were babies, but I find that as they grow older the divide isn't as big anymore, and it seems like parents are just people trying to love their kids and hold things together.

I think everyone's doing a much better job parenting their kids than they think they are. Most of the time the advice I give is either 1) cut yourself a break because you're doing the best you can, 2) cut yourself a break and ask for some help so you can get a little perspective and self-confidence back, or 3) you think you have one big insurmountable problem but you really have four small ones, so pull them apart and solve one at a time.

I'm really not sure how it happened, but for some reason the comments section of this blog is pretty flame-free. Maybe because I'm fairly anti-dogma, so people can say "this worked for me but it might not work for you" instead of having to put up a big façade all the time. Or maybe I'm just lucky. Or maybe the flamers are just storing it up and will release a big ball of flamey fury on my comments section at a predetermined date.

I get 10-12 questions a day at this point, and try to answer a bunch of them privately when I'm not working or being with my kids or shoveling out the apartment or sleeping. It's kind of random the questions that end up on the site. I try to pick a mix of serious and not-so-serious.

Lots of people write in about sleep. I think sleep is the thing that's making parents feel the worst about themselves in our generation. Not only does lack of sleep make you feel physically horrible, but there's also such an industry of sleep advice out there that people feel like they're bad parents if their kids aren't sleeping perfectly. I file that under the same category I file the SAHM vs. WOHM "wars"--nice try, but we're starting to catch on that it's just a distraction to get us to not notice the lack of institutional support for parenting, at least in the US. See also: pacifier vs. no pacifier, off the bottle by 12 months or else, what do you mean you don't have the Britax??, and anything involving the acronym MILF.

My thoughts about sleep are that you'll have a better time as soon as you figure out if your kid gains tension by crying or releases tension by crying, since then you can work with the way your kid is to figure out how to get him/her to sleep. Also, there are some universal truths about sleep that your kid probably conforms to, at least loosely, so start there before you get really worried. Finally, in approximately 18 years the way your kid sleeps won't be your problem anymore, so there is an end in sight, albeit a distant end.

What else? My favorite books are The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin, If on a winters' night a traveler by Italo Calvino, and Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. My favorite parenting-related books are Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott and Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginott. I listen to a lot of Stevie Wonder, Fred Hammond, and Jorge Ben. I don't like pancakes, raisins, or scallops. I'm not allergic to poison ivy. I watch too much reality TV. I refused to wear vests in the '80s and I refuse to wear them now. I am happier than I have a right to be that I don't have to deal with strollers anymore.

What do the rest of you want to say? Either comments on my strangeness, or comments on your own strangeness? Vests: yes or no? If you could be any character in a Pixar movie, which one would you be (I'd be Flo)?

Comments

[Marcia]

High fives to you, Moxie! You are a mom that every mom can relate to. I have 4 grown children and 2 grandchildren, a preschooler and a toddler. I babysit them 5 days out of 7; so, I can still relate to the experiences of young moms. Moxie, I hope you continue to blog for a long long time to come!

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[Jen]

I just found this site last night (when trying to figure out how to move a co-sleeping, bed-hogging 10-month-old to the crib), and I'm in LOVE.

I'm a first-time parent, my daughter is 10 months old, and parenting her seems to be something that's always just barely above my skill level. I love the nonjudgmental tone and the helpful vibe on this site. It's like being friends with the class nerd; free help and niceness to boot.

The only vest I've ever worn was kevlar, when I was working on the ambulance.

And I don't watch Pixar movies, so who knows what character I'd be...

[therese]

I love your site. I'm a perfectionist so having Marie 10 months ago has really rocked my world. Your laid back philosophy sure has helped me deal with my inability to control Marie's sleep, crankiness, etc. I've forwarded The Quick and Dirty on Sleep to several of my mom friends, terrific. Thank you!

[sster]

Um, NO to vests. Unequivocally.

[Alanna]

Hey Moxie, now that you are a freelancer you should put something here about what you do and how to hire you. You've earned this little slice of internet fame - you should use it.

[Jordan]

Great Site & Blog! Ok, so here's one for you; 3 1/2 year old boy & a 6 month old boy, and in the last 6 months the 3 1/2 year old has begun a host of change, which of course we've expected. But the one that throws us for a loop every time is when he begins to sort of play-cry, then it turns into something big & real (or at least it seems so) and he constantly tells us he wont stop crying/can't stop crying, without a hug first. And it's now turned into a slippery slope of other things he won't can't do, until he stops crying (such as holding him a certain way, we can only be hugging while we stand, etc.); he says he 'can't control' it and 'can't stop it' when we talk with him about it, while things are even -keeled and fine. During these fits (which often escalate for 15 or 20 minutes), he just seems to get more & more upset. We've tried both just trying to give him hugs everytime he wants them (hoping the issue will just go away), and of course we've also tried once in a while holding them back (and eventually give in after 15/20 minutes). And we've also thought about if he gets enough affection in the rest of his life and have come up with the fact that he gets quite a lot. Any ideas? We haven't noticed that these tantrums are related to sleep, diet, our changing schedules, etc., but perhaps they are?

[Sarah]

You don't have to post this comment at all. But I find it upsetting that you talk about "not being allowed to leave" NYC. You made a choice to have children and those children deserve to have a relationship--a daily one--with their dad, who clearly loves them to distraction and who also deserves to be with them. That's the deal when you make babies. The kids and *both* relationships come first. It does not reflect well on you to be so public in your whining. Your ex has never, never done this. I used to really love your blog, but your public comments about your split really changed my view of you. I have no problem with your feeling the way you do--that is so your right and your business--but the public expression of it feels deeply adolescent.

[Moxie]

Sarah, you have every right to think whatever you like about me. But the fact is, you don't know the whole story. You don't know what happened at all.

And it's deeply, deeply insulting that based on surface information you think that I don't support my kids' relationship with their dad. I very rarely write about my kids' dad, and when I do it's transactional in nature, so I'm not sure where your impassioned ire is coming from.

I hope that if you ever go through a divorce others will allow you the full range of emotions and understand that you're not exposing all the dirty laundry there is to air.

[Moxie]

Oh, but thank you, because you've inspired me to update my About Me, which, you may have noticed, was written in 2007.

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Happy are the families where the government of parents is the reign of affection, and obedience of the children the submission to love.Do you understand?

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My crafty goal is to actually create some things instead of just "preparing" to create. So far I've been doing well this year - had a couple crafty dates with girlfriends. Hoping the rest of the year goes well !

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[suzy kim]

Hi moxie, greetings from fellow BMC grad, class of '89. I read about your site in the May Alumnae Bulletin. I wanted to introduce you to a great website for dads/parents - cutemonster.com. I've mentioned your site to Vincent and he's eager to collaborate, exchange ideas, etc. You can reach him at vincent@cutemonster.com. I live in Manhattan - would love to get together and chat.

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I think that as we grow the gap is not so great advantage, and it seems that parents are just people trying to love their children and to keep things.

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[melissa]

thank you for sharing and maintaining this blog! i found it randomly when i googled the following: "my 10 month old won't eat or take the bottle." [needless to say, i've been a total wreak about the issue. as a first-time mom, i assumed that sleep (or lack thereof) may be a struggle for us, (i mean, that's what everyone talks about!) so i was prepared for the sleepless nights. but i was in NO way prepared for the trials relating to my son's eating.]

when one of your posts from 2008 popped up (http://www.askmoxie.org/2008/03/qa-9-month-old.html), i read it (along with the numerous comments from other moms) hoping for some answers and some comfort. i've been desperate for information... not "expert" information, per se, but real, honest, "here's what i experienced and maybe it will work for you too"-type information.

i feel more relieved than it may seem possible to have stumbled upon your blog. nothing else i've read, thus far, has been quite as honest or helpful (both emotionally and practically). so thank you thank you thank you for providing this resource, and for helping me to finally exhale (if even just a little bit).

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