Q&A: toddler understanding "no"

Dawn writes:

"At what point does a child understand 'No'?  My 13 month old son is very very active, a climber and so curious that he gets himself into places and things he really shouldn’t. I try the calm 'no', I try a louder 'no', I distract him, take him away from the object - (the tv, the phone, the dog dish) but he beelines right back to it. Over and over and over. It's really funny sometimes but we try not to let him see us laugh of course! Eventually he gets frustrated and starts to grizzle. I don’t give in but am I expecting too much to think he does understand the meaning when I say no?  He does sometimes seem to get it, and will stop or move off to other activities. I know he is not being 'bad' because he has no malicious intent but is just into everything. He seems to understand other things, like go get the ball, or do you want a cookie ;-)  Advice?"

Good question, Dawn. Actually, a few good questions:

• At what age do most/many (certainly not all) kids understand that when you say "no" you want them not to do something?
• At what age do kids care that when you say "no" you want them not to do something?  
• At what age is it reasonable to expect kids to comply with your requests for them not to do something?
• What are some ways that are as effective or more effective (depending on the age) to get kids to stop doing something?  

Feel free to give your own answers to these questions, or other related ones you come up with, in the comments section.

I think that a 13-month-old certainly understands that "no" is something you say when you're excited. It's the sign that the child has gotten a reaction from you. I'm not sure that at that age the child actually understands that "no" means you want them to stop doing something. (If you use pain to punish your kids, then yes, they will stop doing things when they hear the word "no" but only because they associate that word with pain and they want to avoid the pain, not because they actually understand the meaning of the word "no.") In fact, I think sometimes they take "no" as encouragement because it elicits such a funny (to them) reaction from you.

It seems to me, based on my observation of my two kids, that the real understanding that "no" means you want them not to do something kicks in some time between 18 months and two years. Or so. However, that still doesn't mean that they'll actually stop when you say "no." It totally depends on the kid. My 5-year-old still sometimes seems unable to stop when I say "no," and needs me to put my hands on his to move them away, or walk him away from the temptation, or replace the sharp stick with a bagel, or whatever. My 2-year-old sometimes stops, but sometimes looks at me like, "Ha ha, Mama! I know you want me to stop, but I am not going to!" So from my n of 2, I'll say that understanding the meaning of "no" is necessary but not sufficient.

I started writing this answer a few days ago, then asked Co-worker S, who has a 5-year-old and an almost-2-year-old, what he thought. He agreed that the ability to really understand "no" happened after 18 months but closer to 2 years. He also agreed that understanding "no" and complying with it are two very different things. "Sometimes it's just not in their best interest to stop what they're doing," he observed. It's funny because it's true.

So I'd say that "no" may be understood by 2, but not necessarily complied with until later on. Some time between 2 and 60, I'd say. (Although my dad still doesn't do everything my grandmother wants him to do, so maybe it's even later than 60.)

Now, on to the reasonable question. I think it depends on what it is that you want them to comply with and your general attitude about obedience and self-discipline and discipline in general. If it's something really serious, like not sticking a fork in an outlet or running into the street, you need to be more serious about enforcing your rules.

As with the rest of life, follow-through is everything. You can say "no" all you want, but unless you actually engage with your kids, you aren't teaching them anything about appropriate behavior and how to use self-control. I know a dad who used to ignore his 5-year-old, so the child would escalate and escalate and escalate his bad behavior as the dad just said, "Stop!" Finally, the dad would explode in a ball of rage and overreact to whatever it was the kid was doing and dole out severe punishments that always left the kid crying. It could all have been avoided if the dad had just engaged with the kid from the very beginning and stepped in to stop things before both of them got out of control.

If you're reading this and wondering what I mean by engaging as a way to stop bad behavior, click over immediately to buy Haim Ginott's masterpiece Between Parent and Child. It breaks down how to focus attention in a way that makes you partners with your kids in helping them learn to resolve situations for themselves, instead of engaging in a control game that leaves you both worn out, angry, and hopeless. Other books that people absolutely rave about (not surprising, since both are based on Ginott's work) are Faber and Mazlish's How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk and Lawrence J. Cohen's Playful Parenting. I think both these books are wonderful and I learned new things from both of them, but if you only have time for one, go with the Ginott.

But back to Dawn's 13-month-old. At that age "no" is tricky, because it doesn't really connect with them yet. Instead, you're probably better off telling the child what you want him to do, instead of what you want him not to do. It's human nature to focus on what someone says, even if they're trying to tell you the opposite. If someone said to you, "You don't look fat in those pants," it would be a compliment, but you'd start to wonder if you usually looked fat in pants and it would probably end up making you feel bad. In contrast, if someone said, "You look really slim in those pants" you'd just think about how great you looked.

Toddlers (and people older than toddlers) respond the same way. Instead of saying "no" when your child tries to stick a fork in the outlet, try "Put the fork on the table." That gives the child something to do and provides a distraction. Instead of "Don't hit the dog," try "Clap your hands together and jump up and down."

You may be thinking that you want to teach your child appropriate behavior, and if you don't tell them what not to do they won't know what's wrong. But a toddler has no impulse control anyway, so even if they know something's wrong they can't actually stop themselves from doing it yet. It's more developmentally appropriate (and gives them a greater chance of success) to tell them what you want them to do and helping them do it.

I was going to get into Hedra's "safe, respectful, and kind" idea now, but this post is already too long. So please do two things: 1) Go read the safe, respectful, and kind post and be ready to comment on how it's going in your family when I open that topic up next week, and 2) Tell us about when you feel your kids were really able to exercise self-control, and what worked best to help them guide their own behavior.

Comments

[Cat, Galloping]

I'm pretty big on the re-directing for my 21-month-old, mostly because it's the most effective thing. (Funny how the only sensible thing can somehow seem like "cheating", like I'm one of those parents we all lament does not discipline their child. So thanks for the reminder that it's actually the right thing.)

Apparently, though, I forget about re-directing often enough, because after a few days of wondering what my son meant by "Stobbee", his nanny figured out that it was "Stop, please!" Ha!

[Nutmeg]

I don't have a kid capable of understanding anything like this yet, or really capable of DOING anything yet (an almost 8 month old who has no interested in getting moving!)... but I wanted to thank Moxie for her thoughtful advice in preparation for those days. As a former middle-school teacher, I can see how impulse control (which is lost in adolescence in many ways) came in to play there and am reminded that most of my students really WANTED to do what I asked them to do... they just also wanted to do a million other inappropriate things. The secret to managing those classes was to make sure they all knew exactly what I wanted them to be doing at every minute.

I look forward to reading the advice here in preparation for the storm of toddlerhood to come!

[AmyinAustin]

This question is really timely for my household right now, as we have a 17 month old who for some reason would rather stick his fingers in outlets and pull the dog's tail rather than play with ANY of his toys. Well, I guess when I think about it, it really isn't that hard to discern why he does it. It's like Moxie says, we tend to engage him in a more excited way when he is emptying the dog bowls on to the floor or turning the tv on and off with the remote (thanks Grandpa!). Anyways, what we (try) to do in our house is redirect with the same object. "The dog doesn't like her tail pulled, she likes to be patted gently, like this, See?" "Yes, you are really good at pulling the plastic doohicky out of the outlet (better than I can, must be those little fingers), can you put it back in? Let me show you." (that one was good for literally a half hour of supervised entertainment.) The dog bowls are little more difficult, because frankly, who doesn't like splashing around in a bowl of water, but we have gotten him to actually stop EATING the food by having him hand feed the dog (we are lucky in dogs).
This morning I stayed with him for a little while to ease the transition at daycare (he has just started and is in a world of yuck) and could not believe it when he repeatedly pulled this other kid's hair. Ack! 0 to bully in like 5 seconds. So I showed him how to pet this kids hair instead of pull it. It doesn't mean he won't pull that kid's hair again, but he at least knows that there is something else you can do with hair.
Whew, this is a long post, but I have been trying to process this very issue for a while now and realized that we do sort of have a program at my house. Hope it helps.

[Eve]

I have a VERY MOBILE 7-month-old who seems to have some concept of the word "no" or, more likely, the tone of voice my husband and I use when we say it. The problem is that she finds it HILARIOUS. About 800 times a day, she makes a beeline to go chew on the phone cord, and we say, "No-no, honey," and she stops, turns her head to give us a shit-eating grin, and then crawls off even faster. We pick her up and redirect her constantly, of course, so "no" to her seems to indicate that she needs to get to wherever she's trying to go as quickly as possible before we intervene. Anyway, I'm bookmarking this post in my brain for the years to come. Oh, I can't wait ... :)

[Jana (sidetrack'd)]

Thanks for the advice, Moxie; we are dealing with this same thing with our just turned 1 year old. She seems to be very inquisitive (other mother's of young children have commented on her curiosity) and detailed and tends toward strong-willed; she is, therefore, hard to distract. I've found that many times (not always)if I engage with her in some other activity instead of just trying to redirect her from TV (or whatever the item du jour is) to toy she is more likely to be diverted.

Thanks for all of your wonderful advice; I really enjoy reading the q&a on your site.

[Cathy]

With Amelia, when she had more mobility than judgement, we would do things like move the dog water dish into the bathroom - someplace she would be more supervised and it's fairly easy to clean everything up there. Or put stuff high up. Or tape the entertainment center doors shut.

Also phrasing in the positive is so much more helpful. Walking feet! at the pool. "Inside voices, please" at the museum. I was talking with another parent recently about this kind of thing (we both have 4 year olds, born within a week of eachother.) and sometimes it's hard to phrase it in the positive when what you really mean is "No."

[Fahmi]

I think my son began to associate "no" and the appropriate sign, as something he doesn't like, at about nine or ten months. He will generally scream with rage, but clearly not understand what exactly is going on. He just associated it with some level of frustration.

At almost 19 months, he is beginning to understand better that it stops him from doing something. He would freeze and look at us when we say, "no!" but I don't think he's associated it with a "don't do that!" yet. Unless we divert him, though, just the word doesn't do anything. He reacts and cries more because of the diversion than the actual word, but he is beginning to develop that awareness.

Like Moxie, we use a lot of physical redirecting and diversion. We either move him out and away from temptation, or try to distract his attention to something else.

[Isabel]

Oh so timely! I have 16.5-month old twin boys. I'd say both understood the word no from around the age of 12-13 months. By "understood" I mean that they knew I was referring to something that I didn't want them to do. At first, they would literally stop ANYTHING they were doing when I said no. But very soon after, they'd play with the idea that they had the ability to "disobey". Silly example: one would walk up to the planter, look at me, say "no, no, no", smile, and then put his hand in the soil. If I got up from my chair, he'd run away. I know he knew I didn't want him to do it. But I also know he had (and has) no conception of consequences, plans, intentions or any such thing.

I'd say 18 months is when many kids understand the idea that others have agendas and intentions (and they come to understand and develop their own). This is a HUGE aha experience, and they play with it a lot (which is part of what makes 18-22 months such a crazy period). So, NO means something so much more complex at this stage -- it is a battle of wills now, not just concrete, immediate preferences being expressed. It is a time to start exercising some of their limited power and to explore boundaries (especially mom's). The amazing understanding that they are free agents, with their own plans, opens up a huge world of social exploration (and frustration). So now, as my guys come closer to that 18-month transition, when I take away my cell phone from one of them, they don't just cry because they want it back, but also because they realize I have the power to give it to them and I'm refusing to do so. The emerging realization that I am the source of so many of their blocked goals has started to become the trigger for full-out melt-downs instead of the momentary cries of frustration that the same situations used to elicit.

I completely agree with Moxie's advice on how to deal with these little battles of will and whole-heartedly second the Ginott recommendation. I've got to get my copy back out...

[Julie]

Boy, that is a tough stage. I'd say it got really tough for us between 16-19 months. Tons of tantrums due to Alex realizing WE had the power to take things away or give them and frustration that HE did not have that power. He also laughs in our face when we give stern "no" answers to inappropriate behavior. We figured out that was NOT the way to go for us. He responds better to enthusiastic thanking when he does what we want him to do. If he's headed behind the house I might say "Alex, please come back to your water table" as opposed to "Don't go behind the house". When he complies, I say "WOW! You did REALLY GREAT listening there. GOOD JOB!!!!" and shower him with kisses and thanks. If he doesn't listen, I physically get him and then say "Thank you for listening to Mommy"....even though he needed my help to do it, the end result is what I wanted. The greater reaction should be for the positive, not the negative - as a teacher, this works for all kids of all ages, not just toddlers. All kids are hard-wired to want to please those they love. You just need to be very clear about what it is you want them to do and try not to focus on the things you don't want them to do.

We have a hard time with temper tantrums when he tries to do something that is beyond his ability. He will throw, kick, scream and do his usual routine. We spend a lot of time talk talk talking about what is happening, how he's feeling and how he can manage his feelings better. At 21 months, he's starting to get it and do it on his own. After bumping his head on a chair, he now spends 20 minutes saying "Dad's chair.....bang! Bad chair" as a way to process what happened and communicate his feelings. When he asks for help instead of throwing a temper tantrum, we spend time talking about how impressed we are that he asked Mommy or Daddy for help when he needed it and how smart that was as a strategy to solve his problem. We don't talk about his alternative (temper tantrum) because we want to focus on what worked, not what won't work. It's a very fine line, and we accidentally miss it constantly. Luckily Alex gives us plenty of opportunities to practice.

Action parenting takes a lot of energy and time. Distracting and re-directing behavior is much more effective than saying no....but in addition to distracting and re-directing, praising effusively the end result gives them the reaction they are looking for and it feels so good to them to have your praise they often forget what it is they wanted to do in the first place.

[Charisse]

I would say Mouse understood "no" pretty well by 10-11 months--we evolved this game where we would say "no" in a stern but not excited voice (well, most of the time) and then if she backed away from what she was doing we would clap and cheer and say yay yay thank you! Since she didn't start crawling till 12 months, we were spared a lot of babyproofing.

Depth-wise, she would use the word in reference to something we didn't want her to do starting about 11 months, and by 13 mos had figured out she could use it in reference to something she didn't want us to do. Around 16 months or so she got super defiant and drove us nuts with throwing food on the floor and so forth (as you do)...we stuck as much as possible--on our good days :) --with the calm "no" and a lot of guidance about the right thing to do and praise, praise, praise, cheering, clapping, whoopee for doing it. Even if "it" consists of not doing something--I agree with PPs that if you can find a way to put it positively and make it a "yes" it really helps. Example: there is a beauty supply store in our neighborhood that is floor to ceiling glass shelves packed with colorful bottles--it is a toddler magnet, and you could spend your whole time in there saying "no" and getting both of you worked up. What worked better for us was (gently "helping" child keep hands to herself) "wow, you are looking with your eyes and keeping your hands by your sides--that's wonderful, I'm really proud of you! we can stay and look a little longer". As much as you can call attention to the behavior you want and praise it whenever you notice even a little hint of it, I think it helps.

Mouse is 3 now, and her relationship to "no" seems fairly solid (though I hear 4-year-old defiance is a whole nother story). It always at least makes her hesitate long enough to come up with an argument. She's also highly adept at intuiting how serious I am about it--"no, we don't pick up cool stuff we find in the actual street, only the sidewalk" rarely gets any sass while "no, this isn't a convenient time to get out the paints" could be a loooong discussion. (But at least it's a discussion and she's learning she has to give reasons and use a normal voice if she wants to change our mind.)

...and (can I just use your site as a confessional, Moxie?) I realized a couple days ago that I had been breaking my own rule about the positive stuff all over the place. I'd slipped into saying stuff like "if you don't hurry up and get dressed you're going to have to stay here when it's time for mommy and daddy go to work" and Mouse and I were totally at loggerheads--I even got my first "I wish I had a different mommy, not you". Clued in and switched to "if you get dressed fast we'll have time to play Old Maid at breakfast" and things are calming way down. I'm guessing those of you with big kids will say this continues to be the way to go?

[trish]

My 13 month son definitely understands no - but doesn't always obey. We reinforce it with physically moving away and try to only use it when he's getting into danger rather than just making a mess and it almost works. If he's in a cheeky mood he'll run away from me when I say no though (his current favourite habit is sucking on rocks - which definitely falls into the danger category!)

[Shelley]

CHOICES. Give two choices of what you want them to do -- if the kid is putting the fork in an outlet, ask "do you want to put the fork on the table, or do you want to bang it on a pot?" etc. etc. Letting them choose gives the illusion of control.

Also, positives on what they can do -- if they want to grab something fragile, say "you can touch with one finger."

[Karen]

My neighbour had the great idea of being a little more specific than just saying "no". She would say "danger" if my daughter could get hurt from her action. We expanded on this to include "yuk", "gentle" or "nice". We figured if she heard "no" for everything she wouldn't be able to discern which "no" we meant. We started this right from the beginning and it would work and then not work depending on her age.

[molly]

On the recommendation of our awesome daycare provider, we try to use "no" with specifics - like "no touch" or "no hitting" or "no throwing" or "no climbing" or "no screaming"... (and on and on - yes, he's 17 months and wants YOU ALL TO KNOW IT) I think it helps him understand what we mean; also, b/c when we started using it, he would giggle wildly when we said no. We're still saying "no no no no" and shaking our heads to teach him how to say "no" as a response, but since we actually are specific with the no on what we want to stop, it makes things clearer for us all. Actually, "no touch" has gotten effective enough that he will put down his hands and walk away. Seriously! It's awesome.

[Jan]

This is so individual. Our older kid would absolutely respond to voice commands from us by 13 months. No question.

This second one, though, oy. He's almost 20 months and still shows no sign of caring one little bit about being told not to do something.

Both kids respond 1000% percent better to positive statements than to negative. 'Use gentle touches' vs 'No hitting'; 'Feet under the table' vs 'Stop putting your feet on the table'; 'Use a quiet voice' vs 'Quit screeching'

Come to think of it, the older one was better at 13 months than she is now, at 3, about minding. I'm going to pretend that's an effect of the age rather than my parenting skills! :)

[Lisa]

We've had good luck with "off limits" combined with Hedra's safe/respectful/kind and an explanation: "The space heater is off limits - it's HOT and not safe to touch. It could burn you - ouch." (Then physically redirect.)

Also focus on the positive alternatives: "Please touch the plant GENTLY" (model gentle touch). "Like this, with one finger - wow, great job. You're being really gentle with that plant!"

We still do it a million times a day, but the incidents are more likely to become positive experiences rather than battles of will.

Now I just need to cure myself of the rhetorical questions.

Me: "Shall we change your diaper before we go out?"
"T (with a grin): "No!" (heads for the door)

[pnuts mama]

i hope this doesn't ostracize me from the group, but pnut's favorite song right now is rehab from amy winehouse- she loves to sing the "no, no, no!" part, and well, we have made it a bit of a game for now for the not-so-serious "no's", we'll sing it and she gets it (she's 24 months).

moxie- am always grateful when you remind me of ginott, and all of the other coping techniques and setting appropriate boundaries for this age. some day could we do a readers call for what to do when the toddler throws the full-on tantrum in public (or private)? the rigid body, screaming, squirming, etc? how to handle that exact moment (what to say, what to do physically) so neither one wants to stuff their head in the pillow later filled with sorrow? i just don't want to do the wrong thing, and respect the need for my child to express her frustration/emotions and guide her through it well, as well as not be covered with flop sweat at the end of it.

and lisa, i am so with you on needing to remember about rhetorical questions. reminds me of my mom's favorite line "i wasn't asking you, i was telling you!"- maybe a little tough for my AP side, but, it's true, don't ask if you don't want "no!" to be the answer!!

[hedra]

I had the great joy over the weekend of hearing my oldest (almost 10) say 'that's not respectful or kind' to one of the other kids - and it worked! And to make it a double-bonus weekend, the second one complained to me that someone wasn't being safe. Both assessments were even ACCURATE. WOO!