Q&A: toddler boys and toenail polish

Adrianne writes:

"One evening I was painting my toenails and my son asked for his to be painted too.  He said pink toes were pretty and he wanted some pretty pink toes like mommy.  He has a doll baby, so I thought I would try painting the doll's toes pink first and maybe that would satisfy him. Of course, it only made him want pink toes even more since now mommy AND his baby had pink toes.  So, figuring there would be no harm in it, I painted his toenails pink.  He laughed, was so excited and it made him so happy he called grandma to tell her about it and he even took off his shoes at church to show his friends.  I thought it was cute and funny and adorable that he was so into his pink toes, however, my husband just about threw a tantrum over the whole thing.

Now I know this isn't the most life altering issue, and definitely not anywhere near as serious as many, however, I'm just looking for some opinions on this situation.  Was it wrong of me to think it was ok to paint my 3 year old son's toes pink?  Would anyone else out there paint their son's toes?  I try to nurture his interests, give him a wide variety of toys and experiences and let him try and do things his way (within reason, of course) and I just don't see the harm in a little nail polish on a boy's toes."

Oh, boy. (No pun intended.) I've been through this one, too. Both of my boys love to have their toenails painted, but dads in general just don't seem to get that.

I think this is one of those gender divide things that we just aren't going to understand each other about. I can't possibly see what could be bad about painting a 3-year-old's toenails. Heck, I can't see what would be bad about painting a 10-year-old's toenails, or a 20-year-old's toenails. To me, this falls into the same category as (for kids) coloring with marker on their bodies or (for adults) experimenting with wacky haircuts.

But I think for men over a certain age, nail polish is something that signifies "Not Man" and they just can't deal with it.

I think you have a few options here. You can keep on painting your son's toes, and just laugh off your husband's objections. You can ask your husband exactly what it is that scares him about the nail polish, and get him to break it down and realize that there's nothing really for him to fear. You can go with a buff blush color of nail polish so your husband will never notice it but your son can keep wearing the nail polish. Or you can cut your son off and give him his first lesson in "how we socialize kids to conform to a narrow range of acceptable options no matter what they like or don't like." I hope you don't end up having to choose the last one, because it sucks to have to squash your kid down into society's little box.

What did you all do? I know there have to be tons of us whose sons like nail polish. Mine used to make their own with marker if I didn't hop to it and paint their toes the instant they demanded it.

Comments

[MAW]

We have gone through this with both of our sons. Luckily my husband wasn't too anal about it. We typically made the compromise to use colors that were more "boy" when we did it (green, blue, black, dark purple). My husband even did most of the painting. Everyone came out happy in the end.

[Henny Penny]

Been there, probably will be there again. I do the same thing and stick to not pink or red colors. WHite or purple toenails are just as satisfying for my son.

[Tootsie]

With my little brother, painting the toes WAS the compromise (my mom figured it was better than the fingers). But my dad was never too hung up on it either way, surprising for a man raised in the South. But then, he considers the sewing machine a power tool, right along with his saw and tile cutter.

But go with the purple, green, blues and tell your husband it's very "rock star."

[giddy]

I don't have sons, but this reminds me of a GREAT essay in Brain, Child magazine written by a woman whose son wanted to wear sparkly clothes and tights with bright colors like all the girls got to wear. So she went to thrift shops and got him sparkly jeans and T-shirts, and rainbow-striped tights to wear under shorts. She agreed with him that it's NOT fair that girls get to wear pretty stuff and boys don't, and they were able to talk about how silly it is, etc. He wore these outfits in preschool and some into kindergarten, and eventually started preferring more typical boy clothes. She was glad she had given in to her son's wishes, and disappointed when her second son wasn't interested in sparkly clothes!

[Liza]

Ok, NOTHING, including toenail polish, is going to "make your son gay." Which is the underlying homophobic fear that IMO is what causes men to freak out about the idea.

And, FWIW, one of my closest heterosexual friends uses wild multicolored pedicures as a way to screen out potential boyfriends.

If he won't allow his toenails to be painted at least once -- in his choice of colors which always includes blues and greens and silvery glitters, as well as more traditional colors -- he's just not open-minded or adventurous enough to be boyfriend material.

[swissmiss]

I don't paint my nails, but I bet if I did my son would want me to paint his. He always wants to put on my makeup (and I let him - he gets the cotton pads with foundation and blush when I'm done). And he LOVES lipstick. So far my husband is cool about it. I'm honestly not sure what I'd do if he decided to go all "boys don't do that" on me.

[casey]

I think this is one of those gender divide things that we just aren't going to understand each other about.

What I did to combat this is not marry a man whose view of sexuality included things like nail polish.

[hedra]

G and B have had toenails and fingernails polished. Red, pink, purple, silvery-glitter-pink, white, and clear.

They LOVE it. Tell the DH that letting them express it keeps them from using it as a stick to beat you with later. ;)

G was always into jewelry and pink/frilly stuff, beaded bags and high heeled shoes at that age. Oh, and swords or any weapon or armor. At 2 1/2, he once greeted me at my mom's door in nothing but a helm, sheild, and pink high heeled slides. (And I mean NOTHING else on). He was 'the knight with pretty shoes' according to him.

Where has that gone since then? By letting G explore his sense of fashion and body decoration, he's gone from pink and purple beaded bags to an acute sense of style in backpacks. From gaudy girly jewelry to sophisticated taste (for his age, meaning at 7 he was picking things teens would usually wear) in silver rings and earth-toned chokers (very surfer-dude cool). From nail polish to... um, leaving his nails uncut and grubby. From pretty girly shoes to cool boots and sneaks. From frilly tutus to fashion leader by 1st grade (the older kids were copying his style).

B, also, has found his own style. He still experiments (in K), and flirts with a more conservative/formal look now and then. He's more into color than G, and plays more with combinations of colors and with more range, and with more patterns than his big brother. He also likes jewelry, but is more into the boots/shoes thing (oh, the cowboy boots!), and cool belts.

Let the kid explore. He'll discover what works for OTHERS as well as himself as he goes. He'll see that some people like this, some don't care, and some are uncomfortable with it, and then if he's allowed to do so, he'll find his own path forward. The more he gets to experiment, the more chance he has of being a leader instead of a follower, IMHO. Whereas the more he's taught to buckle under and let others set the style regardless of what he'd prefer, the more he'll learn to follow instead of lead, the more he'll need to match his style to others, and the more he'll resent his dad for forcing appearance issues (which may show up later in teen years as rebellious choosing of 'in your face' styles). I'd rather they get that out now, and develop a solid sense of personal style before they hit the teen years, and I suspect the child's dad is likely to feel the same if he thinks about it.

[Julie]

My son (almost 3) has asked for nail polish a few times after seeing it on me. I can kind of understand where Adrianne's husband is coming from because the first time he asked for nail polish my initial instinct was to say "No sweetie, it's not for boys", not because I think it will turn him gay and not because I care whether or not he grows up gay, but just because those kinds of things are so ingrained in us. Fortunately, I was able to catch myself in that thinking and avoid that first urge, so we've done purple toes a few times, because that is his favorite color. For him the act of putting on nail polish seems to be the thing, not actually wearing it, because he asks me to take it off about 5 minutes later. And fortunately my husband is not uptight about it. I figure he will have plenty of time to learn about restrictive gender roles, I don't need to introduce them now.

[Sue]

I have a 3yo daughter and a 6mo son, so we haven't gotten to this issue just yet. I dont think it will be a big one for us for a couple of reasons - one - I just don't paint my toenails (never my fingernails) inless Im gonig to a wedding where I'll wear sandals, and

two - we have tons of pictures of my husband at five years old with pink glittery nail polish all over his fingernails. He had an older sister - it's how he got into figure skating as a child, too (hes Canadian - he had to either figure skate or play hockey). In fact, he seems to have been a remarkably "girlified" young child who turned into a very secure-in-his-masculinity man.

A friend of mine let her6yo son get a manicure during his 4yo sister's birthday party. The next day at kindergarten, the boys all mocked him. The day after that, the teacher declared it manicure day and showed ALL the kids the joys of sparly nails. Once they had thier own to enjoy, they liked it a lot more :-)

In short (or long) it's a nonissue for us

[Shandra]

In my house if this comes up we're just going to paint 'em. My husband and I have already had the "kids like sparkly things" discussion and have decided to let society take care of applying the gender pressure, eventually - not us. :)

[Kate]

My son (6) has had toenails painted, fingernails painted, curlers in his hair, you name it, he's had it. Surpisingly, dad has been ...ok with it all.

[AmyinMotown]

Sue, your kid's teacher sounds awesome.

Not only do kids like sparkly things, they like whatever their mom is doing, so Maggie gets "glamorous lipgloss" when I am putting my makeup on, or painted toes. I would do the same for a boy if he was interested. Now, I do remember as a kid playing with a little boy who was visiting a friend. He had his toennails painted red and I thought he was weeeeird--but the toenails were not the only reason, he was also bossy and snotty.

I agree with everyone who says let them experiment now so they don't have to force the issue later.

[AmyinMotown]

I should add, the boy in question was like 6 or 7, not three.

[Nancy]

I don't think it's the divide at all, I think it's mysogyny, and it bugs the heck out of me. Girls can do boy things and that's fine, but for a boy to do a girl thing, it's a polluting act towards him and that is NUTS. It means that being girl is still considered an awful thing, and I hate it, hate it, hate it.

[caramama]

I think Adrianne should really talk to her husband about why it is such a big deal to him and use these many examples here to show that it isn't a big deal if a kid of any gender is interested in nail polish or sparkly things. That's what kids are interested in because they are kids, not boys or girls. And I believe this is important to discuss now so that her husband can help show their son (and any daughter they might have) that dressing/acting/playing a certain way does not have to be so gender specific.

I get so frustrated with the gender divide, especially the way that men are still very stuck in it. Little girls can wear blue and it's not a big deal, and women can wear pants, work and be soldiers. Why aren't the men fighting harder to have the same benefits that women get? I think it starts with both parents being supportive.

Good luck!

[lynn]

I don't wear polish myself, so my son didn't have that to copy, but up till age 4.5 his favorite colors were pink, purple, or "rainbow with sparkles," he loved butterflies, and he loved trying on dress-up shoes, sparkly play jewelry, etc. This was all fine with me. My rule of thumb was anything temporary was fine (like nailpolish). I drew the line at painting his room pink, but I did buy him a pink wastebasket with flowers on it.

Once kindergarten kicked in at 5yo, he became a gender conformist, and now his favorite colors are green and blue, his LEAST favorite colors are pink and purple, and he otherwise goes with the boy stuff. He still likes bright colors, which he enjoys via tie dye shirts, bright red bathing trunks, and similar ways of expressing himself.

So enjoy it, and let him enjoy it, while it lasts. It's just experimentation and will very likely fade with kindergarten.

[Anna]

And I just posted about this! So glad to hear you all talking about this, pink toes and all.

http://hankandwillie.wordpress.com/2007/08/28/how-to-charm-me-2/

[anon]

jeez louise, is that supposed to be reassuring, that kindergarten peer pressure can crush out any nonconformity??

another brick in the wall, man.

[jen]

my brother patrick used to wear our 'alice' bands (head bands to pull back your hair), as did two little twin boys we knew (who didn't have any sisters to steal them from!!!their mum used to have to buy the hair accessories for them!). he also had a boy doll called patrick, and cried when he was given a bucket and spade rather than a barbie as us two girls were given on a beach holiday. he was subsequently furnished with a barbie. he played mostly with girls growing up. now at 17 he is a very masculine very 'boy' teen, so the gist of this, is let them play when they are little. it doesn't matter. just let them have fun deciding who they are and what they like. their true personality will shine out no matter what they play with or who tells them it's not 'right' to do it.

[abigail]

For some reason my husband and his brother (but especially my husband) were often dressed as girls when spending summers in rural PA with farming, mining, truck driving, and steel working relatives. Both are secure, adult men, who recall it as (a minor) part of their childhood.

Prior to his 2nd Ironman, my brother-in-law had the race's signature 'M' pedicured on each toe; it psyched him up and had fellow racers in awe.

[Kelly]

I don't wear toenail polish but my MiL does and my 3yr old just adores her toes. I expect he'd love to have his done and would absolutely support that if he did. Hell, I'd take him shopping for a special colour of his own (something wild like green or blue). I think boys that are allowed to experiment with gender roles, in an understanding and supportive environment, are more likely to grow into being more understanding, supportive adults.

My hubby and I have discussed the "gender experimentation" phase concerning our boys and both think if the boys want to wear tutu's or whatever, they can. It's a phase, it'll pass (or, if it doesn't, we'll support that too), enjoy it or stress over it. Your choice.

[Shelby]

My husband had me paint his toenails for years when we were first together. I highly doubt that, if we had a boy, he would give a crap. But then, we also live in SF and are both pretty tolerant about these types of things.

[LEB]

go with the varnish!

I don't think it is a universal 'man thing' - my dh understands stages of child development pretty well (i.e. it is perfectly harmless). Although certain othr family members think we're trying to 'turn him gay' (rolling eyes)

[hedra]

IMHO, the gender conformity isn't due to Kindergarten, but the developmental stage kids hit typically at Kindergarten age. My kids were in a very UN-conforming kind of program (still are), and yet they went through phases of STRICT RULES OF GENDER IDENTITY.

To the point that my oldest had a huge hairy tantrum because he 'caught' me doing the laundry. I was not *allowed* to do laundry. That's a BOY job. (as DH does it at our house.) He resisted the idea that anything DH did or that he himself liked might be doable by or liked by girls, and assigned gender to nearly every activity. Girls like X, boys like Y, girls are able to do X, boys are best at Y. He insisted he was going to gestate when he grows up (because he thought pregnancy was cool, which made it a BOY thing). Girls can't play soccer. Pretty much anything he liked, was assigned BOY. And anything he disliked was assigned GIRL. Which left barbies and really bright pink as 'girl' and everything else as 'boy'.

And then he passed through that phase, and relaxed his boundaries, and accepted that even men can wear pink, and that girls can be fabulous soccer players, and that the only limitations are basic biology functions not intellect or drive or dedication.

That gender strictness of that age isn't a crushing thing, or at least, it doesn't have to be. The kids tried to enforce it on each other all over the place, as a typical age behavior. A good school won't support any crushing of anyone else's dreams or joys, and will recognize that the gender rules thing is age specific and transitory.

[Christiana]

Haven't run into the issue yet and don't know what I'll do, or haw my husband will react. I do remember my Aunt going to nail tech school and practicing on me and all her girlfriends, etc. Her son was all "what about me?" so she did Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle nail art on his toes instead of flowers, etc. Probably overkill for the basic person, but it worked perfectly for them!

[kelli]

At our preschool we have a small container of Klutz kids nailpolish in the art area -- both boys and girls use it all the time!

[Lisa]

I also think that the male rejection of this kind of thing is misogynistic.

This isn't quite the same, but I am potty training my 2 year old boy now. And of course, like any rational mom who knows anything about anything...he sits down to pee.

For some reason, this really bothers my father. He always wants to know when I will teach him to stand up. (uh, when his pen is can reach over the toilet?) I get that it is convenient for men to be able to just whip it out from a standing position, but it is more convenient and practical for shorties to sit.

So, I confronted him about it. Well, sitting down is like being a girl. So???? He didn't say it, but the unspoken message here is that if it is bad to be like a girl. Is that the message that fathers really want to teach their sons?

You can't make someone gay. You can't make someone grow up "effeminate". Kids experiment, parents need to let them. That is how they find out who they are.

Men need to get over this binary sex role crap were everything masculine = good and anything remotely feminine = bad.

[m]

I don't wear pollish and my son is only 17 months but I know if he ever does show interest in having his nails painted, my husband would probably do the honours.

He once told me a story that happened at an ex-girlfriend's family get together. A nephew (around 3, funnily enough) was watching the aunties getting their nails done. He begged for his to be painted. The women didn't even question whether they should or not. Then the proud boy went to show his dad, uncles and grandfather--all of whom freaked out. The little boy came back to the women crying, hysterical for the paint to be removed. The story broke my husband's heart. That poor kid.

I think Adrianne should talk with her husband about why it upsets him so much and see if they can come up with a compromise. You don't want a little child's fleeting joy to be a battleground.

[Amy]

Haven't read the comments and I'm sure this has already been said... my son loved having his toes painted and dad hated it. The compromise was that he could have them painted while we were at home... but if he was going out and about (and toes were showing--sandals) he had to take the polish off. Son didn't seem to mind having to be a closet toe polish wearer... he's 7 now and doesn't seem to show any scars from either the toe painting or the explanation that "boys don't wear polish" (which I agree is totally ridiculous... but dads get to project their "values" on their kids too... even if the "value" is totally ridiculous.)

[Kelly]

Wow. I can't believe so many husbands of commenters are OK with their sons getting painted toenails and wearing girl clothes. My husband is usually not into "a guy has to do this and a woman has to do this", heck, he's pretty much a SAHD, plays hockey, and does cross stitch. But, if we had a son, and I painted his nails or dressed him sparkly I think he'd flip out. It IS misogynist, so I'm going to discuss it with him. I just didn't realize so many little boys liked this kind of stuff. Guess the parents I know do a good job of hiding it.

[Sally]

no chance - looks like I'm the only one, but nail polish on a boy is NOT something I'd encourage if I had a DS.

[Christine]

I am starting to feel very un-pc, but if we had a boy my husband would have a big problem with me painting his toenails or if wanted to wear sparkly, pink clothes.

I need to think about this because I am not sure how comfortable I would be letting a son do that either...

[Rouver]

Sorry for not reading the comments, so if this is a repeat....I'm pretty sure I read that kids don't really even know what sex they are (on a regular basis) until they're about 4. I highly doubt that painting his toenails at 3 is going to have a lasting impact on his life...other than he had fun with mommy and enjoyed spending time with you doing something he liked. Even if it wasn't a "boy" thing. As far as 'color preferences' go, it wasn't until the beginning of the 1900's that pink was considered a girl's color. Until then, it was thought of as a 'shade of red'...which it is...and this put it into the 'boy color' category. Blue was thought of as a 'girl color' at that time.

[Alexis]

My twins boys are identical. Really identical such that we have had their big toenails painted ever since their hospital bracelets came off.

My husband is the one that bought the polish initially. He picked sort of masculine colors: blue and orange. He painted his own big toes first (maybe to test out the polish?) before putting polish on our tiny babies' toenails. He also continued to wear big toe polish for a few weeks. That might have been more about sleep deprivation at that time, but who knows.

They are now 10.5 months old and we can tell them apart most of the time by personality. So, we have stopped being quite so vigilant with the toe polish.

The reason I write is that all of their baby pictures feature orange and blue toes as this was our only hope of telling who was who in the future. Neither my husband or I have given the polish a second thought. Other people seem to think it is hysterically funny and some have questioned whether it will warp them later on. I think the comments are more likely to be warping. People say the worst things. "Double trouble" is my most hated twin comment right now. Who are you to say that my kids are trouble? Is it supposed to be cute because it rhymes? ugh.

[jessica]

Oh wow, I also don't see anything wrong/weird/odd/bad etc about painting the boy's toenails. Otherwise you're teaching him all sorts of things, like his own style is not ok, he must change himself to please others, basically suppression and restriction leading to frustration and insecurity. I could go on but I won't.

My vote: get him glitter polish!

:)

[jessica]

Just wanted to add that once I saw someone(an adult) once on the subway with a pink yankees cap, pink blinky cell phone, pink jeans, shirt, and sneakers, and it was a man.

I can't remember if he had nail polish or not but he might have.

[Summer]

My son (age 4.5) has never asked for nail polish, but I've seen it on most of his friends, boys and girls, fingers and toes. His best friend, who is an incredibly athletic man's-man kinda boy, went back to school last week with a shiny sapphire mani/pedi. At least in my urban middle-class circle, it's not in the least bit odd.

However, if my son DID ever ask for polish, I don't know if I'd give in. I have a lot of peeves regarding nails -- and I recognize that this is just my own personal peevishness. I cannot stand dirty nails, and always trim my son's nails as short as possible so dirt can't collect. I have a similar horror of chipped polish and toenails that extend past the end of the toe. So I'd be tempted to refuse to polish his nails (and I think I'd feel the same way if he was a girl) because c'mon, how long is the polish going to last on little-kid nails before it chips? And when it chips, it is going to drive me cuckoo bananas. I do not have the time to fix a preschooler pedicure every day.

My bigger problem, though (and I'm surprised that I'm the first one to mention this) is that nail polish is horribly toxic stuff. I've stopped using it myself because I was having reactions to it. So if you're going to paint your kid's nails, please consider getting the less-toxic water-based nail polish, or restrict it to toes only (which are less likely to go in the mouth) and please use the paint in a well-ventilated area. That stuff smells terrible because it's full of terrible chemicals.

(/crazy)

[Jan]

I didn't have time to comment on this yesterday, but I did think about it.

For me there are two parts to this: Should your little boy be allowed to wear nail polish? and Should your husband be allowed to decide?

I don't, frankly, think there's anything wrong with setting specific standards for dress/body decoration for young kids. I probably wouldn't encourage my little boy to paint his toenails, but I wouldn't encourage my little girl to, either, until she's a little older. That's just my feeling about it -- that nail polish is a form of makeup, and I'm not comfortable with it on my young child. And no, I'll possibly never be comfortable with it on my boy (in public).

The second question, though ... I'm bothered by the types of responses I'm seeing. We rant and rail about how men aren't taking responsibility for childrearing and about how our husband's refer to taking care of the kids on a Saturday as 'babysitting' instead of simply accepting that it's a part of parenting. And then, when Adrianne's husband disagrees with her about some parenting decision, there seems to be a lot of encouragement for her to simply discount his thoughts and feelings in the matter. You're right, he's wrong and you get to decide. That's not cooperative parenting, and we can hardly blame men for taking a back seat when we make it obvious that we don't respect their input.

So, um ... I'll climb down off my soapbox now. Nothing to see here, move along.

[Shandra]

"We rant and rail about how men aren't taking responsibility for childrearing and about how our husband's refer to taking care of the kids on a Saturday as 'babysitting' instead of simply accepting that it's a part of parenting. And then, when Adrianne's husband disagrees with her about some parenting decision, there seems to be a lot of encouragement for her to simply discount his thoughts and feelings in the matter. You're right, he's wrong and you get to decide."

I think that is a really excellent point. I'm still glad my husband agrees with me on this one, but just - yes.

[pnuts mama]

whew- what a hot topic!
ok, can we all agree that sexual orientation is not chosen? i'm thinking that is the root issue here. yet sometimes when it's easy to understand that nothing "makes you gay" in the abstract, oftentimes when we are faced with situations in reality it can make us wrestle with some deep feelings and uncertainty.

i'm glad a few people brought up the point that until about 5 years gender is merely something that parents/society place on a kid- kids don't *really* understand gender differences in an identity sense until that age. which is why most kids would be just as happy playing with either gendered (or genderless) type toys, wearing whatever clothes, etc. etc. also, hedra's example of what the child thinks the role of the gender is is also important in assigning behaviors/etc. for gender. the whole "being around other kids who influence gender-specific behaviors,etc." in kindergarten really is coincidental with that developmental phase of needing to identify oneself as "something"- which is different from sexual orientation.

this is funny b/c over the weekend i had a *discussion* with a very traditional (repressed?) cousin of mine who has a big problem with his sister in law buying his nephew a dollhouse to play with. even after relaying all the above info to him (which i could tell he didn't or couldn't believe) i reminded him that *he* had a cabbage patch kid as a kid. forget about the neverending argument with him about sexual orientation- i don't think he'll ever accept the idea that just as he never chose to be straight, someone else doesn't choose to be gay.
anyway, the next day we were in a store and i saw an old tonka truck that i had played with as a kid, and good nostalgic genXer that I am, picked it right up and bought it for pnut- and called my cousin to let him know that she now was the proud owner of a truck. mostly b/c i thought about how we really pigeonhole her with some of the toys she has- and why not let her enjoy the full range of gendered and non-gendered toys alike? she loves to play with her 6 boy cousins trucks and cars and things. and even when society tells her that's "not ok" i hope to be a loud enough voice to tell her it's fine.

***

as a side note, i'm pretty sure my husband will be ok with any future son of ours "embracing their feminine side" at any age. we're both former art students and when i met him he had dyed hair (purple) and painted fingernails. which i still think is pretty cool.

[hedra]

I'm definitely on board with 'this is a matter for discussion', not 'putting foot down' from the mom. And that if they cannot come to an agreement, they need to find a way to live with the disagreement amicably.

The conflict may be easily resolved by reassurance and learning more about child development, human nature, and the normal/typical responses to the dad's reaction. I highly recommend 'what's going on in there' for the 0-5 year old range, for him to read. Anything on normal child development will help, though.

But the issue may not be as easily resolved if his issues are personal or emotional (which they may well be). In which case, I highly recommend using cooperative problem solving methods to get to the root of his issue, and solve HIS problem *AND* yours/the child's problem. Say, his problem is that he's embarassed to be seen with a child who doesn't present as masculine, and fears that people will judge him poorly as a man and father if his son doesn't present well as a BOY. Once he gets down to the underlying feelings, he may decide that they're not useful, and he needs to get over it. Or he may decide that he cannot get over it, and he needs another solution. The solution should be discussed with the child, as well, with the child providing input and ideas (even 2 year olds can do this!), and with NO DECISION until all ideas have been explored. SInce you really have three problems here (mom wants to enable child to explore and feels sorrow and dismay when child's interests are suppressed; dad worries about his and child's presentation to the world as MEN; and child just wants to play without interference), each solution should be tested against the problems.

There are many solutions possible, as noted above - boy colors, only in private, etc., etc. The right one should work for ALL THREE OF YOU. It isn't a matter of just telling him he's wrong. His feelings are his feelings. They may just be based on inaccurate information or old scripts. Once he sees them up close and clearly, he may drop the whole thing. Or he may not, and then solutions can be explored that take everyone into account.

There won't always be a win-win-win option, but I'm frankly surprised at how often there really is. (See my currently much-harped on favorite parenting book, Parent Effectiveness Training for details - there are some common traps and pitfalls trying to do this, might as well do it right!)

Oh, and I didn't know until this year that there even WAS water-based nail polish. I only ordered some last week (that the girls can use, too! The boys aren't as interested anymore.) I'll see how it goes - I haven't polished my nails for two decades because I react so badly to the solvents (I become nauseated and my hands/feet feel 'wrong' for about four hours after painting). And GAH, I didn't even THINK about that with the kids getting their nails done! D'OH!

[hedra]

Oh, Kelly, the 'I painted his toes or dressed him in sparkly things' is actually the issue here - the way you phrased it, it sounds like you are responsible for the idea, recommendation, or pursuit of the action. Whereas, with my kids, it was more 'okay, if you don't like it, YOU try to stop them!' VERY driven by the child. If you end up with a boy who has a passion for color, clothes, shoes, hair, and babies... then you just do. You can fight it, but fighting it is likely to be exhausting, and in the end, fruitless, as the urges will either be suppressed and come out at you sideways unexpectedly, or they'll be just plain defiant. When it is a basic drive of theirs, it WILL come out. Somehow. I'd rather it come out easily and with grace. I never once 'dressed my kids up' in girly clothes. They just had both options at my mom's house (girl cousin there too), and so chose what they liked. I did do a 'ulp, gotta get myself over my own gender issues I guess!' thing, and then let them loose. After all, my grandfather was a spectacular amateur gemologist. He LOVED sparkly shiny pretty things. His rock/mineral/gemstone collection ended up in a museum after he died, it was that good. So, maybe it is genetic... my kids like sparkly. :shrug:

It ends up less a matter of 'letting them' than of 'is it really worth fighting them for something so minor?' Considering that I had to stop wearing jewelry for the first year of each child's life (or they'd try to rip it off me so they could play with it), I think the 'shiny pretty thing' is inborn in my kids! The drive is intense. It comes out in great ways as they mature. I'm glad there never was an argument over it, but I'm sure it would have come out the same. You want him to stop, then you solve the problem with him, so both your needs are met. If he really has issues with it, then he can start a nice mineral collection and start buying the Pirate Jewelry and coins... they kind of serve the same love of pretties, and they're more 'acceptable guy' stuff.

[Julie]

My friend Lisa and I would paint her little brother's nails and toes...it was great fun for us, he loved it.....and we loved to have a cute little doll to dress up in princess clothes.

He's now a manly 30-something, very good looking and popular with the females around him....and he knows it. So I always try to remind him (in mixed company) how we used to dress him up, paint his nails and let him be our baby princess. It takes him down a couple notches, and in the end I think it endears him to the girls more than being "macho" would.

I don't know what my husband will say if our son wants to do this someday....I'm glad I can punch in "toenail polish on toddlers" in Moxie's site so I can gather a bunch of really good arguments for letting him if that's what he wants to try!

[Ann]

I KNOW this will come up in our house.. I paint my nails and ,my son loves to watch..my husband always gives me a hard time about wanting to dress up my 7 month old son... not in girl stuff, but cute baby stuff... stripes, cute hats etc... my husband in no way is a homophobe and has had many gay male friends... sometimes I think he just gripes cuz he can :-) So I am bookmarking this topic... because I know the time will come when this will come up and I want good arguments for it as well. I think it's awesome that all you moms let the kids be kids and more importantly be themselves and express themselves...and paint away.. I too will do that because I'm quite certain ,my son will want to do what mommy is doing. He watches me put my make up on in the morning and do my hair and he has let me file his nails while he's awake and watching me do it since he was a month old.
I didn't give any advise here.. I just love the topic and love what everyone wrote and I wanted to put my 2 cents in :-)

I love this!!

[Kelly]

Hedra: Yes, I definitely put that wrong, I didn't mean to insinuate that anyone was encouraging their sons to wear nail polish or girly clothes. I understand that it was the kids who wanted to do it with no prompting.

I actually discussed it with my husband this morning, said "If we had a son, and I was painting my toenails, and he saw and wanted his painted, what would you think?" To my extreme shock he said "I'd have no problem with it. It would just be him wanting to do what mommy was doing." Wow. Just when I thought I knew the guy, his first reaction to it was much more down to earth than my own.

I'm also 100% behind what Jan is saying, this whole new trend of "dads are idiots and moms should just ignore them and do whatever they want" is just as upsetting as the chauvinist "dad is always right and whatever he says goes, no questions asked" stuff in the 50s.

[Mitchell F]

Not sure how I came across this topic, but let me offer a slightly different perspective from a father of three sons.
Since I've known my wife (27 years+), she has always kept her nails (finger and toes) nicely groomed and painted. Each of the boys noticed this at different times in their lives, and I have developed the attitude that it's something that boys and girls are both interested in because it's colorful and intriguing to look at. My sons have ended up with paint on their nails on occasion, starting with Mom 'sharing' when they were younger to even recently when they were 'treated' by their girlfriends/spouses.
My opinion about boys wearing nail polish is certainly influenced by what I have been exposed to, and I don't see a real problem with it. Heck, I've even had my toenails painted on occasion - because it was just plain fun.
As my sons have grown, I've watched them embrace the world with open minds and it's very satisfying to see how they don't try to judge everything they see, and instead embrace diversity and look for how they can live life to it's fullest. I can take satisfaction in the fact that I helped my wife raise some fun, confident sons that we are proud to spend time with.
I doubt that allowing (and even joining in) my sons to wear nail polish was a primary reason why they turned out as they did, but I think it's more related to the whole attitude of being open-minded and accepting of the fact that we're all different from each other, and that's why this world is so exciting to live in.

[Marilyn]

The discussion about boys and painted toenails hit close to home and made me want to ask a question. With all the talk shows, tv programs and news stories about gender confusion, boys who want to be girls and vice versa, how do we really know that’s what the kids themselves want? I mean how do we know its not their mother (or fathers) wish?

I have a best girl friend who had a perfectly normal, high energy, three year old little boy. The only thing even remotely feminine about him was his hair, his mom wouldn’t cut it. Just long and straggly. At about 3 ½, she and her husband divorced and he left he country.

Within a month of the spilt, she had cut his hair like a girls, was curling it and had it highlighted. Not long afterwards, she had him in ballet class - not that there’s anything wrong with ballet class for boys - but she had his hair up in braids and him wearing the girl’s tights and leotard outfits, not what the boys wore.

By the time he started school, he was wearing girl’s shorts and tops and was easily passing as a girl. When the school objected to his hair and clothes, she took him out of school and enrolled him in a private “Christian” school who accepted him as a "girl" with his long hair but only if he wore the girl’s outfit of skirt or jumper and blouse. Which he did for four years.

This was a perfectly normal little boy - to start with - but he was also the type of child that was anxious for attention and wanted to please. And his mother made it quite clear that pleasing her meant being him being feminine. And he increasingly was.

I often asked how long she was going to keep this up and she’d always say, why would he want to change, he has a wonderful life. And I kept saying testosterone - sooner or later it’s going to make its appearance.

It did at about age ten, after she had started him in beginner bras and had every expectation of a sex change operation when he was a bit older. He absolutely rebelled and finally cut his own hair and his life as a girl was over. Much against his mother's wishes, I might add.

He’s a teenage now, clearly a boy, but still with vestiges of feminine mannerisms and traits. Not terribly comfortable with boys.

None of that was his idea, even though when he was as old as nine, if you asked him if he like dressing like a girl, he might not say yes but he knew better than to say no. An outsider could easily think he was a child with gender-identity issues.

So, how do they know when they do these stories that it’s not just mom (or dad’s) idea? I mean I’m sure there really are boy who want to be girls and vice versa, and that’s fine. But I know from my friend’s experience that with the right child, you can force the issue on them.

Marilyn

[Janet]

Marilyn, I feel so sorry for your friends boy and you bring up a good point. I'm sure lots of little boys, especially with sisters, have dressed up like a girl, and that would be common. I'm sure the time comes when the boy absolutely stops and they should never be forced. My good friends little boy is 6 and he has the most gorgeous hair - long and curly. He has huge blue eyes and you'd never think this was a little boy no matter what he is wearing. For halloween she dressed him in one of my dd's dresses...I must say he was stunning. I do think his hair is way too girly and I wonder if that is more his choice or mom's. You bring up a good point.
Janet

[Allen]

Spotted my 15 year old son with silver glitter on his toes. He said his girl friend put it on him.

I asked him if he liked it, he said it is ok and 3 of his freinds wear it also.