Laura writes:
"As a first time mom with a 5 week old, I love your site and your discussions have helped me enormously so far. At the moment I have two questions on which I'd love your and your readers' thoughts. First, about when are babies able to drift off to sleep on their own? Right now to get the baby down to sleep, I need to rock, jiggle, etc until he is absolutely 100% sound asleep. We do swaddle him, and that helps, but if he is the least bit awake when you put him down, he wakes himself back up and proceeds to screaming within minutes. To be clear, I'm not talking about sleep training, I know he's not old enough, and I'm perfectly happy to nurse and rock until those little eyes close. I would just love to be able to put him down without worrying that the smallest jiggle will mean that I need to start all over again.
Second, about when can babies amuse themselves for a bit of time? For now, the baby seems to need me to constantly entertain him. He will sit in his bouncy chair for a few minutes without my attention, but otherwise if I'm not actively talking, singing, walking, bouncing, swaying or patting, the fussing begins. Again, I know that interactions are incredibly important for development and I'm not expecting independent living. It would simply be so nice to sit next to him on his mat and do something else while he plays.
I'm sure it sounds like I don't want to parent him, and that's not the case at all. I enjoy spending time with him and I've loved getting to know him so far. He's generally a happy little fellow and only fusses when he's trying to tell me something. It would just be good to know if this is his personality and I should get used to it or a developmental thing that will change over time."
It doesn't sound at all like you don't want to parent him. It sounds like you have a 5-week-old and your life has changed in an instant and you're thinking, "What have I gotten into? How much longer am I going to have to be on-duty and present every single minute of the day?"
I can remember being a few weeks in with my first and thinking, "OK, only 17 years, 49 weeks, and 3 days until he's no longer my responsibility." And I loved him so much it made me ache. I just wasn't used to the constant vigilance and demands on my attention.
At this point you're just trying to keep your head above water, really. I think the sleeping has to do with a bunch of factors. The first is personality. Kids just sleep the way they sleep. Some go down best by themselves, some need someone to help them for a long time, some are a mix, and some keep changing so you never feel like you know what's up with their sleep.
Another thing I think plays into sleep at the beginning is their stomachs and their size. There are growth spurts at (approximately) 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 12 weeks, and 6 months. Not surprisingly, these are also times when parents report that their kids started sleeping more easily. It seems like the maturity and additional size that happens at the end of a growth spurt sometimes helps with sleep, too. (Tangentially-related: Did anyone else notice that their kids' pooping schedule changed every time they went through a growth spurt? Or was it just my two?)
But then those combine with the developmental spurts and physical milestones and teething to make it all kind of a two-steps-forward-one-step-back proposition. A grand stew of confusion and tiredness for everyone that sometimes doesn't even make sense in hindsight.
So the short answer is that there's no real age at which babies just start automatically going to sleep by themselves. Your son may need to be comforted to sleep for another week, then hit a growth spurt and start falling asleep by himself. Or he may be one of those kids (like my older son) who needs someone to help him fall asleep (by nursing, or rocking, or sitting in his room) until he's 3 years old, and then suddenly he just starts going to bed easily by himself. He'll probably be somewhere in between.
If you're worrying that your son may need to be comforted to sleep for years, don't despair. Even if that happens, a) you'll survive, and b) it's not all bad. In some respects it was easier to get my older one to sleep because I had a hand in the process. If I did whatever he needed at that stage, he'd fall asleep. My younger son, who is "easier" because he cries for 10 seconds to 10 minutes and then conks out without anyone else, is kind of a wild card. If he has the proper conditions he goes down easily, but if there's anything distracting or he can get free, no one can get him to sleep.
Everyone is going to tell you in the comments section how their kids slept at 5 weeks and then what happened later, so you'll have tons of data points that all add up to "There's no way to tell and you'll worry about it, but you'll also make it through and you'll all be fine."
The playing by himself is a real annoyance, isn't it? You just want to run to the bathroom, but even that's too much. First babies don't realistically give you more than a minute or two until they're able to move or control things on their own (so whenever they achieve some kind of mobility control, whether it's sitting or rolling or scooting or crawling). Second babies get entertained by the first child, so you can get a few more seconds here and there. I think it's totally the age and circumstance, not a personality thing at this age.
One good way to cope with this is to wear the baby in a sling/wrap/Ergo as much as possible, because the baby benefits from the motion and the closeness, and you can get stuff done. You can walk around outside, do some laundry, make a sandwich, etc.
Another thing that I only figured out with my second child is that when you have to leave the baby alone and know he's going to cry, you might as well double up on the unhappiness by turning it into tummy time. Your baby probably cries when he's on his tummy at this point. Since he's going to cry for the 90 seconds it takes you to go to the bathroom or get yourself a glass of water anyway, why not put him on his tummy before you leave? He needs the tummy time, and this way you can at least feel like something productive is coming of your trip to the kitchen.
If you have a My Breast Friend, you can strap it on, sit down at a desk and put the MBF on the desk. Your baby can lie on the MBF and sleep or nurse, and you can type or surf at the computer over him while he sleeps.
This stage is tough on everyone. It's especially tough when everyone tells you to "enjoy this time because it goes so fast" or that "these are the best days" or all those platitudes issued by people who don't have teeny infants. You feel trapped and a little freaked out, and then guilty about not loving every second of it. It's hard to adjust to your old life being gone for a long time, and not really loving the new normal. Even if you love your baby, it's still jarring not to be able to just think your own thoughts for 10 minutes.
But. Things will get easier. You will get some time back. You will get yourself back. You'll have more fun with the baby. You'll hit a good stride together. Be kind to yourself.
I agree with Moxie about what affects sleep and how long it might take for your son to drift off by himself. My 6.5 month old daughter is nursed to sleep, but tends to wake up around 40 minutes afterwards and then again another 40 minutes later and then sleeps around 10 hours before she needs another nurse, if I'm lucky. This waking up doesn't tend to happen outside of developmental spurts, but as there are so many before 6 months it feels like this is pretty much the norm. My 2.5 year old never did. He nursed to sleep and stayed asleep for 12 hours from week 10. So it really does depend on the child.
As for getting them to entertain themselves, my daughter spent such little time awake during the first 3 months or so ( again except during developmental spurts) and when she was awake, she just looked around or stared at the shapes and colours on her capsule/bassinet.Her brother helped a lot with entertaining her. Around 3.5 months she started swiping at toys under her baby gym, but that kept her occupied for no more than 10 minutes at a time. The rest of the time it was up to me.
Oh, Moxie regarding pooing, I noticed the exact same thing as you. In fact I know a developmnetal spurt is over, when Zoe starts to poo again.
Posted by: paola | July 26, 2007 at 07:48 AM
I could keep mine pretty well amused at that age for long enough that I could decompress for a bit by occasionally poking the mobile over her crib, either just getting it to move or swapping a few of the pictures (and she'd stare and stare and wonder what was different) -- of course I couldn't leave the *room*, but I could check my email or read for a bit while using about 1% of my brain to keep her entertained.
Man, did she ever love that mobile. Rapt adoration.
Posted by: Andromeda | July 26, 2007 at 08:08 AM
Both my kids could easily put themselves to sleep at 5 weeks during the day---I mean, not for official "naps," but at that age they are just sleeping all the time anyway, right? So, in my case, I would occasionally would leave baby in a bouncy seat (never turned on), and come back from the bathroom or from starting a meal to find a sleeping baby. So, yeah, I think it's a personality thing. (As they got older, both were more like Moxie's younger child--maybe cry for 10 seconds to 10 min, and then conk out.) (although in my case I don't remember them ever crying for 10 minutes--I was REALLY lucky about sleep!) But then, husband and I are both heavy, long sleepers, so it could just be genetic!
About entertainment--it sounds to me like you baby just likes you close. Sometimes I found i could walk a little farther away and get something done (like prepare some food) if I was singing the whole time. You oculd try that, although I also think slings are enormously helpful for this. (And the slings keep getting better and better--I wish I had been able to try one of the ones that goes over BOTH shoulders!) I do think, too, that after awhile (not 5 weeks) it's totally okay to let them fuss while you do something else. They will have to learn at some point that you have to do other things besides entertain them. At first you let them fuss for short spurts of time and then come back, and as they learn that you DO come back, the fussing may let up some. But like Moxie said, it's a personality thing to some extent.
Posted by: giddy | July 26, 2007 at 08:31 AM
Have you tried a swing? We had a (borrowed) fancy one that included a mobile, music, and lights. Great for buying me a break, and sometimes she'd fall asleep in it too. My first had just a plain old swing, but he would zone out and/or fall asleep in it, too. This is prime swing time, so go for it. Also a vibrating bouncy seat, with or without a sound/light show. And a mobile in their crib can also be entertaining. I found a battery-operated one that doesn't need to be wound up all the time, which is very useful.
Gosh, I sound like I'm just all for popping my kids in electronic entertainment, don't I? But even the most attentive mommy needs a break sometimes, and at this age, they're best suited for looking at things. Walks in the stroller, too, let them be entertained by the view, while you get a little exercise. Any of these might also put them to sleep, too, as an extra bonus. Occasionally my babies took whole naps in the swing or bouncy seat, and at this age I think that's fine.
Posted by: lynn | July 26, 2007 at 09:11 AM
So.. not all babies sleep all the time in the early days. The littlest bubs slept NOT AT ALL. I often spent hours sitting with him in my lap where he'd fallen asleep and I was afraid to move and wake him up as he was getting less than 8 hours of sleep in 24 hours. So I'd sit silently until he woke up on his own in 15 minutes, or 2 hours. He's now 7.5 months old. He can put himself to sleep for naptimes about 50% of the time and 50% of the time I have to lay down next to him on a bed and hangout until he falls asleep. He was a high needs/colicky baby so we spent a large portion of every day and night bouncing, patting, jiggling, walking and listening to godawfully loud static for 3.5 months just to keep him from screaming his little precious head off.
It wasn't until 6 months that he could do any sort of self calming/soothing toward the goal of sleeping.
RE playing: After the horror of the first 3-4 months was over, E was pretty happy playing with toys by himself if I was right next to him. He still really doesn't like me to leave the room (or the daycare lady who is "his" during the day.. she says she has to sneak out to go to the bathroom or he'll cry). But since he's gotten control of his hands and can grab things around him he's pretty happy with me handing him toys and doing some work parallel to him. As long asI don't leave the room.
I agree with Moxie... Eli benefited from wrapping (It's where he took most of his naps early on) as did I (I could eat or go to the bathroom or vacuum ... though not really SIT).
So my data point is... some kids aren't good sleepers EVER. For us it got worse (way way worse) at six months than it was at 4 and 5. And some really needy babies are less needy when it comes to someone entertaining them. But you are looking at at least 3 months of being the best show in town.
It DOES get better.
Posted by: Nutmeg | July 26, 2007 at 09:21 AM
When mine was that age, he loved the B*aby E*instein star play mat. I'd angle him so his feet would hit the padded bar when he kicked and that would make the overhead star toy light up and play music. He'd be happy long enough for me to toast and eat a bagel. And that 15 minutes felt like heaven! I've given a bunch of those mats as baby presents and the love for "the star" is fairly universal, I hear...
Oh, and have you tried putting the swing where he can see you cook, shower, etc.? My son loved at that age to swing away watching me cook and clean the kitchen. He just liked seeing all the activity...
Posted by: AnonMom | July 26, 2007 at 09:25 AM
My answer to the question as is as follows: Hell if I know. We had to sleep train to help ours learn to fall asleep, and that happened at 7.5 months (she would put herself to sleep under other people's care, but not with us). I used to sneak out of her room and just curse the squeaky floorboards. She's been mostly an OK sleeper since, until lately when we have to be in her room for het to sleep. I think it's her two-year molars. I hate molars.
The sling does make a huge difference. Once I got the hang of it I could cook, clean, work at the computer etc. without a problem.
But more importantly, I want to say Thanks to Moxie for her thoughtful, kind response. When I was where Laura is, I was in a similar situation but not coping all that well and a message board I was part of was just AWFUL. People would pretty much accuse me of being a bad mother or ungrateful for my wonderful beloved child because I wasn't in soft-focus bliss and dared to seek help for it. A little sympathy and commiseration meant so much. I really loved your friendly and reassuring response. And Laura, if it helps, you sound like you're doing great. It gets easier every week until you suddenly find yourself in a total "mom groove" and realize you're pretty rocking at this.
Posted by: AmyinMotown | July 26, 2007 at 09:30 AM
My 13 month son still needs help going to sleep and at 5 weeks he definitely needed to be walked and rocked - in fact, to confess my dark secret, he napped in my arms until he was 7 months old! He was such a sensitive sleeper that the moment I put him down in his crib or bassinet he woke instantly and cried. If by some luck I managed to put him down asleep, he would wake on the dot after 30 minutes and wouldn't go back to sleep, so I found that if I held him, I could immediately start rocking/bouncing when he stirred at the 30 minute mark and he would go back off. I was so worried that he wasn't sleeping enough that I held him for all his naps until we finally felt okay about letting him cry a little around 7 months (and it really only took one bad day of missed naps for him to get used to sleeping in his crib). Fortunately I was at home all day and had the time to hold him - I got a lot of reading done. Despite being a terrible sleeper, BJ was always a very happy baby and was very content to just sit in his bouncy chair or lie on his play mat so I could actually leave the room and get lunch/use the bathroom etc. But I did find that wearing him in the sling made it easier to get things done and he sometimes took a serendipitous nap!
Posted by: Katy | July 26, 2007 at 09:35 AM
Oh, girl. You are singing my song. Mine is 13 weeks old and I have two words for you.
Ceiling fan.
We just moved into a new house and there is a fan over our bed. He can wake up in the morning and lay there and look at that fan and play for ... Well 45 minutes this morning before he really cared if I was around. And now I'm typing this while he's sitting on my lap watching while I type, so he's still pretty low maintenance.
I feel your pain though. And just so you know, you won't be alone when you say angry words because your baby won't allow you the luxuries of peeing, making yourself a sandwich or in my case pumping food for him to eat.
As for sleep. He's high maintenance for sleep. He didn't start giving reliable sleepy signals like eye rubs till about 9-10 weeks. When that started it helped b/c I could pat/rock/bottle him down when he started to get sleepy, rather than when he was over tired.
Five-six weeks. We were in the middle of the loooong scream fests for sleep and he was still sleeping on us while we sat on the couch. We did that for 8 weeks. I want to burn that couch.
It gets better. I promise.
ps. He just passed the 12 week wonder week and his poop schedule *has* been all weird. I wondered what was going on!
Posted by: Dawn | July 26, 2007 at 09:36 AM
pps
Moby sling did wonders for my day. I could/can get a couple hours of time with usability of 2 hands before we both got too hot and he had to come out.
Posted by: Dawn | July 26, 2007 at 09:37 AM
You sound awfully coherent for being a new mama of a 5-week-old, so congratulations on that! I know at that point I was a blubbering mess. My son was one of the high-needs, won't sleep in anything other than my arms, hates the stroller/swing/bouncy, etc.
In fact, the 5-year-old daughter of my daycare provider just informed me this morning that my (now 18-month-old) son was a "very hard baby". Ouch.
The being on call at all hours thing is super hard to get used to, but I found that once I accepted it, it got a bit easier to bear. I kept thinking that I should be getting things DONE on my maternity leave. Then I had a revelation (or rather, my son knocked that revelation into me), that THIS is what I was supposed to be doing...rocking, singing, walking, snuggling, nursing. And that's about all I could do for the first few months.
So definitely try everyone's suggestions (I found that taking my baby to a store to try out the different contraptions saved a lot of money and trouble, since he hated all the ones everyone SWORE he would adore), but don't worry too much if none of them work for your baby. He is utterly unique, and the best teacher to let you know what he needs.
It gets both easier and harder as they grow, but I have to say, it's never, ever been boring. The most interesting part of parenting to me has been watching my son develop and learn. Absolutely fascinating.
And for those who tell you, "Isn't this the most wonderful time of your life??" when you haven't showered and feel like you want to pull your hair out, just smile and say, "mm-hmmm" and know that it WILL be. At 18 months (and once he hit 6 months, really), my son is an absolute joy. Even despite being the worst sleeper on the face of the planet. :o)
Posted by: Megan | July 26, 2007 at 09:40 AM
How wonderful you are using the Ergo this way. Not all babies are suitable for mats and swings; my first would never be put down. Plus, most babies are getting too much time in swings, seats and strollers and are winding up with poor muscle tone and flat heads. What a blessing there are such comfortable baby carriers like the Ergo available nowadays for babywearing.
Posted by: Ellen Sandoval | July 26, 2007 at 09:56 AM
When my son was just a few eeks old, I read that babies do not understand that they are separate from their moms. It made me come to terms with the fact that I was no longer an individual. I was part baby all of the time, and life was easier with that baby strapped to me a lot of the time. Baby wearing provides your little one with constant entertainment and leaves your hands free to get things done.
As far as falling asleep on their own. My 15 month old still doesn't fall asleep on his own. He has been sleeping long periods since he was 6 weeks old, but only if I can get him to sleep first. I instituted a strict bedtime routine during the 8.5 month sleep regression, and even though I still need to rock and nurse him to sleep it only takes about 5-10 minutes. He's a busy toddler, so I look forward to the snuggle time I have with him before bed.
Posted by: Joanna | July 26, 2007 at 10:06 AM
Congratulations for having the guts to ask that question - my baby just hit 10 weeks and I was too embarrassed to ask this sort of thing... afraid that it meant I was a bad mom for wanting an hour to myself. I have banned myself from 95% of the parenting internet and stopped reading about milestones and schedules altogether, and that has helped my frame of mind greatly. Thanks to Moxie and the posters here for common-sense and empathy rather than judgment.
N would only nap when I was holding him at 5 weeks - as soon as I moved, he woke up and wanted to be fed again. Didn't seem to matter how long I nursed him - as soon as he was even a little awake, he wanted to eat. But he'd let me nurse him down at night, and sleep in his hammock for 3-4 hours before starting the feeding again. I also learned to eat, pee and do everything else while holding him (he wouldn't stay in any type of sling for more than 10 minutes).
What helped:
Only feeding him lying down at night. I'd bring him into bed with me and he'd stay awake and nurse while I drifted in and out of consciousness.
Getting out of the house - if I was pretty sure that he was sufficiently fed, I'd strap him into his carseat and go somewhere, anywhere. Just being outside and talking to grownups made me feel better, and he seems to enjoy watching other people talk, etc. I did have to nurse him in all sorts of public places, though, which wasn't easy at first but now is second-nature - and no one has ever had anything but nice things to say about it.
I think that a combination of growing and me just letting him fuss/cry sometimes (not crying it out, just a few extra minutes of letting me eat a sandwich) as enabled him to entertain himself much more - he watches the scenery from his stroller, tries to eat his hand, plays with the rattle attached to his carseat... he still won't nap unless I'm holding him, but I can put him down on a mat for a few minutes. And last night he slept for eight hours!!!!
Posted by: Lorraine | July 26, 2007 at 10:11 AM
I just took a poll of new moms here at my work, and everyone agreed - none of their kids goes down without help! Mine is the oldest at 16 months, and she is down to a 5-10 minute nurse, then she looks at me, says "all done" and snuggles in to sleep.
It seemed to take a long time to get to this point. When she was 5 weeks, we coslept and I nursed her by laying down next to her, then could nurse half-asleep through the night. She napped in my arms most of the time. I just learned to appreciate the stillness instead of trying to get stuff done...I am not wonderwoman, afterall!
At 6 months, it was an hour-long nurse/flip/nurse/flip/poke mom in the nose/look around the room before she would sleep. That was the worst time for me. But I promise, it will get better, and you will get time to eat!
I also second the sling - didnt' get mine until the bean was 3 months old, and kicking myself every since. I still use it to carry her on my hip when she is having a clingy evening and I can't possibly hold her 25 pound body in my arms anymore.
Sounds like you are doing great! Hang in there! Oh, and by the way - all that "enjoy this time, it's the best" is crap - 6 months+ is waaaay better!
Posted by: Amanda | July 26, 2007 at 10:21 AM
I'll tell you what, I think new mothers are just bound to feel judged no matter what. I was one of those women who (with a very few exceptions) pretty much did love every minute of it. And you know what? I was made to feel pretty awful by all the women who make statements like, "any mom who tells you she never wonders what the hell she got herself into is lying through her teeth" or "everyone sometimes wishes they had never had this great idea -- if they don't, it's not normal". I didn't mind the sleep deprivation (I've had insomnia for 25 years and I actually found it quite lovely that when I lay down in bed to sleep I was wiped out enough to do so.) and I'm just one of those people who thrives on an immediate urgent task put right in front of me. There's nothing like an infant to provide you with an immediate urgent task. :) And I simply couldn't get enough of holding her, which made us a perfect pair. So, apologies to Laura, because that was a total tangent. I'm done now. :)
My first didn't love the sling, but my second did and it was a godsend. Both my kids loved the swing and loved the up-and-down motion of someone bouncing them on a big exercise ball. I combined the ball and the sling and it gave me a way to sit easily at the computer or visiting with company.
I'm not sure how long ago Laura wrote this question, but if it was quite recently, I gotta say hang in there, because you're probably right in the middle of the very worst patch of neediness. There's something about that 5-7 week period that makes new babies hideously cranky and needy. (That's the specific not-enjoying-this-moment that I can remember: at about 6 weeks, standing in my kitchen desperately trying to soothe the squalling, starving, and eyeing my dinner sitting prepared on a plate on the counter, knowing that I didn't have a free hand to eat it. For over an hour.) I've heard an interesting theory that it's biological (prior to birth, baby gets seratonin from Mom, baby doesn't start producing her own until 4 weeks in and it takes a few weeks to build up enough to keep her from feeling miserable) but it seems pretty universally true.
For us, nighttime sleep began to consolidate around 8 weeks. We'd get a consistent 4-5 hour stretch at night and back to sleep after feeding. That gradually got a little longer. At 2 months our first slept 10 hours at night, just waking once to eat, pretty consistently. But we were rocking her completely to sleep until she was ... oh, I don't know, old. Both started sleeping long stretches at night (11-12 hours) by 4 months, with occasional waking mid-way needing something (a feeding or just a cuddle). We had to supplement with formula, though, so if you're exclusively breastfeeding, you might not want to count on that experience.
I simply can't remember when my babies started being able to hang out alone for a few minutes with a toy or two. We made a move when my first was 2 1/2 months and I know I did a ton of packing and unpacking while she was in the swing having serious philosophical discussions with the elephant on the toy bar. It makes a huge difference once they start to be able to focus on things more than 2 feet away, because then suddenly unloading the dishwasher is as entertaining as any floor show.
On another side note (great -- this comment is turning out to be more side note than actual answer ...): I'm sad that people see sleep-training as a bad word (phrase?) I absolutely attritube our kids' early consolidated sleep and overall good sleep patterns to it. It doesn't have to mean CIO. At all. I don't believe you can magically transform a really lousy sleeper into a fabulous one, but I do believe you can have an effect, and I believe a lot of kids fall somewhere in the middle naturally and will really benefit from some sleep training.
Laura, one thing I definitely noticed with both my kids was that their ability to do the things you're asking about, varied wildly depending on the time of day. The second one stayed hard to get to sleep in the evening (and woke up immediately if you put him down less than an hour after he closed his eyes) for a million years, but he would easily fall asleep after a good morning nurse. And our first could 'play' (by which I mean look at a toy on the play gym and perhaps bat it with her hand) on her own in the early afternoon, but was a wreck in the late afternoon. It pays to experiment.
I love Moxie's idea about tummy time, and I want to add that things to get significantly easier once you realize that no one is going to call CPS if you let your baby cry while you're on the can, or for the few minutes it takes to brush your teeth.
These early weeks really are over in a flash. Before you know it, you'll notice a schedule emerging and you'll have an opportunity to build in a little me-time. So enjoy what you can out of the little warm lump at this stage and know that it doesn't last forever.
Here's what I want: I want to start a non-profit that hooks up people like me (absolutely itching to hold a new baby) with people like Laura (who would no doubt like to take a shower without worrying that she'll have to choose between rinsing the shampoo out and stopping the screaming). It seems like there'd be a ton of takers on both sides. Don't you think?
Posted by: Jan | July 26, 2007 at 10:21 AM
This all sounds completely normal for 5 weeks, for both you and your baby. I had a very fussy baby who just wanted to be held and moving all the time (for naps and everything else). The slings (yes, I bought multiple) were invaluable!
But the only way I could get a minute to myself was when I used a swing and bouncy seat, and that wasn't until maybe 2.5 or 3 months old. She really loved her bouncy seat, as she could watch the fishes and lights, and once my little pumpkin was able to reach for things, she loved it even more.
She is 4.5 months right now, and we are still having to rock/nurse her to sleep. I don't see an end to this soon.
But, as everyone has said, every baby is different. Things got easier after 8 weeks, then again at 3 months. Now, the sleep is harder, but she can just lie on her back playing with her feet for huge chunks of time.
Good luck, and you are doing great! Just hang in there, and things will get better.
Posted by: caramama | July 26, 2007 at 10:25 AM
Every post and comment I read seems to make me smile-- thanks, all!
My humble contribution here on both counts (sleeping/entertaining) has to be music. Whether as help for getting to sleep or calming down or bouncing around, music really made things more fun. Our daughter's favorite was Miles Davis' Bitches Brew...! Otherwise, lots of percussion, Brazilian music, Steve Reich or anything repetitive and soothing.
Posted by: hill | July 26, 2007 at 10:43 AM
Okay this comment is waaaaaay down on the list and probably won't get read but I'll write it anyway.
I agree with everything Moxie said EXCEPT about "tummy time". Where did this horrid concept come from and why does everyone make it sound like its required or your child will never learn to rollover/crawl/walk?
My little girl HATED tummy time (as do 95% of the babies I've ever met). I tried it once or twice but she was so unhappy I couldn't take it so I just quit. And you know what? She learned to rollover and crawl just fine (we haven't made it to walking yet, but at a few weeks shy of 1 year old she's pulling up on everything, including the dog, and I'm pretty sure will be walking within a month).
So don't let anyone talking you into putting your child on his/her stomach if he/she hates it. Trust your instincts, listen to your child, and believe me they'll learn to do all the stuff their body is trying to accomplish just fine.
Thanks for letting me rant.
Posted by: Melissa | July 26, 2007 at 11:08 AM
i apologize that i haven't read the comments yet (running out the door) but just wanted to say:
you are experiencing totally normal feelings! to go from not having to be with a completely dependent individual to being with one that basically survives only b/c of you is a BIG DEAL!! and something that i really didn't get (plus noone ever really told me about) til it happened. couple that with wonky hormones and sleep deprivation (that may only now be catching up to you) and it can be killer!! you are a great mom and person for needing 3.5 minutes of "me" time, really. REALLY. and you will always need some me time to remain you.
so, what helped as far as falling asleep/staying asleep? man i wish i had good news for you but our kid was one of those who needed to nurse to sleep and only then be in some serious deep REM to be put down so i could sneak off and cry for awhile (i said it. i cried. it wasn't PPD, just exhaustion and being overwhelmed. there's no shame in my game.) oh, and this went on for a very long time. stop reading this if you don't want my bad news. til after 9 months, really more like 13 months, but who's counting? one thing that helped us was doing the bait-and-switch after she was done nursing i would slip a binky in her mouth to allow her to continue sucking and remain sleeping. god bless the nuk.
also, at about 6-8 weeks a blessed soul (my cousin) sent a magic swing to my house. i was one of those "we don't need another piece of kid crap in the house" people til that swing came. first, the rocking totally got her off to sleep without my boob, kept her asleep for sometimes UP TO 4 HOURS!, and was a safe place i could leave her when i needed to shower/etc. it was the f*sher pr*ce aquarium swing with fish that went around, lights, music, the whole 9- and i would have sold my soul to keep that thing in batteries. it was a blessed miracle, that swing, for a baby that didn't like bouncy seats, slings, or a flat surface to sleep on. also great when she got her first cold, kept her upright and breathing better. and it's what she slept in when we travelled. i literally would have built a shrine to that swing if i had the time.
you may want to take your baby to BRU, etc. to try out the swings, bouncies, etc. to see if he likes them. the bouncy/sling was a waste of $ for us, but not really returnable after the fact. or borrow one from a friend? the very best of luck to you and you sound like you are totally rocking the mom thing. hang in there!!
Posted by: pnuts mama | July 26, 2007 at 11:18 AM
(Sorry-this got long. I guess once I actually had a parenting experience to share I couldn't shut up.)
Zebediah is 6 1/2 weeks right now and in the growth spurt. I don't know what happens next, but *during* the growth spurt, his sleep regressed a bit (fortunately, he sleeps ok, so the regression wasn't that painful). And yes, the pooping changed.
He can put himself to sleep at night (when he goes to bed and after the middle of the night nursing/s), but not during the day. At night, I nurse him lying down, which usually puts him to sleep anyway, but if I have to change his diaper and he wakes up, he will get himself to sleep.
In the day, no way. He sleeps in the sling or bjorn, or falls asleep on the My Brest Friend pillow after nursing. If I put him in bed, most of the time, he'll start flailing and work up to crying (whereas at night, if he flails his arms/legs, it will stop and cycle into something more restful or into sleep). We haven't gotten swaddling to work yet, although it should because he sleeps in the sling in tummy-to-tummy position, which is like being swaddled.
Occasionally, we can put him down from the sling/bjorn/arms and he'll stay asleep, but it's unpredictable, and none of the signs I've read about (wait 20-30 minutes for deep sleep cycle, wait till his limbs are limp) seem to work consistently. Other times, he'll sleep for a few minutes and then wake up crying.
One almost guaranteed way to get him to sleep is to put him in a carrier and take him outside for a walk. Sometimes he falls asleep as soon as I walk out the door (other times, not so much).
The sling is great for being able to get things done, but not so good for "sleeping when the baby sleeps."
Posted by: luolin | July 26, 2007 at 11:24 AM
I think the most important thing to remember is to not compare yourself and your baby too much to others. What works for one isn't necessarily going to work for another. It's frustrating, especially when you have friends with babes who are "easy" while yours is not. Just listen to the needs of your bub and you'll get through it. You're both still figuring each other out. This time passes much faster than it seems when you're in the middle of it.
All that said I'm going to quickly share my experience. My son is almost 16 months old and I still need to rock and sing him to sleep. Now, it usually only takes a couple of minutes (knock on wood), but I used to nurse him to sleep the first 8 - 9 months of his life (I already can't remember!). I much prefer the stage we're at now. I sit in a chair and he wraps his body around my torso, head on shoulder. It's very sweet and I know it's not going to last long (I'm pregnant), so while I'm enjoying it I'm also wondering what the next stage will be.
He basically lived in a sling the first three months of his life. (We didn't use a stroller until he was 5 months old.) Sometimes, when I'd want to read or be at the computer, I'd put a pillow on my lap and put him on top. He just liked to be close.
Every stage passes. Try not to think too much about the next one and you'll miss the one your baby is in. It's such a cliche but time goes by so quickly when they're small.
Good luck!
Posted by: m | July 26, 2007 at 11:38 AM
Another data point, here ... at five weeks. my daughter would fall asleep only in the sling for naps, or very occasionally swaddled and placed in the bouncy on vibrate (we sort of buckled her around the swaddle, and stayed right next to her, but we could at least eat some cereal or leaf through a magazine or fold the laundry).
And yes, that period of time when she would wake up screaming the instant we put her down was awful and trying and felt like it would never end. A very tight swaddle helped a lot - otherwise, we spent a lot of time building our thigh and butt muscles by doing the "elevator" squats until she passed out. Eventually, she started to seem more agitated than soothed by being bounced to sleep, so we would get her drowsy and then set her down, and she would sort of talk herself to sleep .... it just grew into that on it's own, and I think it was at about 4 months?
One thing I had to come to terms with was that each phase was just that - a phase. Everything continues to change. First it was weaning her off the sling for naps and out of the swaddle because she was rolling over, and that passed to the next phase, which was bouncing and bouncing and bouncing until she passed out, and that changed to her refusing to fall asleep unless we put her down and left the room. My point is ... just do what you need to do right now, and then you will change your methods as the needs and responses change. Moxie has said before - the key is to find something that makes you *feel* like you're doing something - you are really probably just killing time until the baby changes on his own, but it's something to keep you from going crazy.
As for entertaining a baby that small - the sling (body contact) is definitely helpful, or what about a bouncy with a toy bar over it? It might be a bit too early, but my daughter fairly quickly became entranced with the spinning bird over her bouncy and it gave me quick periods of time where I could do something else (I just carried the bouncy into whatever room I needed to be in, including the bathroom).
Just keep on keepin' on and make sure to take some walks around the block or go browse the Quickie Mart at midnight or stand in the backyard eating a chocolate bar whenever someone can relieve you!
You're doing great. I didn't believe it when people told me this, but now it's totally true ... you will hardly remember this phase in a couple of months.
Posted by: Amy | July 26, 2007 at 01:55 PM
You all are making ME feel so much better--I read all the sleep books that said "put your baby down drowsy but awake" and felt like I was a HUGE failure because mine would either conk out nursing or go from sweetly sleepy to PISSED OFF the minute her little body hit the crib mattress. And drowsy wouldn't come back around after that for a GOOD long time. I was like "Are there babies that DO that??" She did, eventually, learn how to do that or just hang out happily in her crib until she got sleepy.
Posted by: AmyinMotown | July 26, 2007 at 03:19 PM
The one thing that worked when my daughter was about that age was a musical mobile in her crib--we got one that had a kicky little jazz tune (which remains seared into my brain 3 years later) and she would lie in there and kick her little tootsies and crow at it for 5 or sometimes even 10 minutes. Aside from that, carrying her around to look at all the artwork in the house or trees in the park or else she flipped out.
For putting to sleep, we found it made a big difference if she was swaddled and jiggled for a long time. (She hated all swings, slings, etc. so it had to be done by a person.) I would nurse her in her swaddle and then hand to Mr. C, who would set the timer for 10 mins and do the approved DR. Karp style head jiggle. Then we'd set her down--it mostly worked, especially at night.
Mouse first started putting herself to sleep around 7 months (apres nursing at that age) and has gone in and out of it since. At 3, she perfectly well can, but she likes to have somebody sit on the bed and pat her back, and we don't mind. It takes 5 mins assuming she's had a proper amount of exercise and mental stimulation and no nap. I did mention to her recently that most of the big kids she admires kiss their parents and then put themselves to sleep and she said "mommy, that's for kindergarteners--I want you to stay". We'll get there. :)
Posted by: Charisse | July 26, 2007 at 03:32 PM
Putting him down on his side worked well. Not straight on his back but on his side and ten turned him on is back. Mine had a strong falling reflex and when put down straight he was scared to death....
Posted by: mijk | July 26, 2007 at 04:16 PM
Oh my gosh how I remember those days. I have no advice, just wanted to say that as I read this post and all the comments that followed, my nine-month-old played on the floor with a bunch of cups, measuring spoons, a mirror and a few squeaky toys the entire time. She crawled to my lap twice for a hug and then went back to her game.
This to me is like a dream. She was the absolute neediest child alive.
One thing that did allow me a tiny bit of time to breathe was when she was in her bouncy chair. If I put her in it on the floor in front of me, I could sit on the couch and bounce the chair with one foot (like operating a Singer sewing machine) and read or check e-mail or fold clothes. Sometimes I'd look up and she'd be asleep and that twould make me very happy.
God lord those early days were so difficult. It really does get easier. For us, the difference between five months and six months was like night and day. This seems like the unforseeable future, but it comes in the blink of an eye.
Posted by: Sarah | July 26, 2007 at 07:16 PM
I just wanted to chime in to comment on Melissa's comment about tummy time: There's an increasing amount of research showing that tummy time is very important for brain development and movement. It was never an issue for past generations, because kids were put to sleep on their stomachs so they got plenty of it naturally. Now that we put them to sleep on their backs we have to create the tummy time so they can go through those stages of development and develop those neural pathways.
Does that mean that a kid can't learn to crawl without tummy time? Of course not. But we do know that the average times kids learn to crawl is getting later. And there are some researchers who think the rise in ADD may be associated with less tummy time.
So I wouldn't poo-poo the suggestion for tummy time out of hand. It's only been recent that kids didn't have it just in the course of their daily routines, and we really don't know what happens on a wide scale in the long-term when kids are routinely deprived of tummy time.
Posted by: Moxie | July 26, 2007 at 10:49 PM
moxie- one way of less-stressful tummy time (for baby, anyway) that we were recommended to try is for the parent/caregiver to lay on their back and put baby tummy to tummy on you- not that that necessarily solves the "so much touching i'm ready to jump out of my skin" issue but perhaps at least for the non-primary caregiver it could be a fun way to play with the baby/give baby kangaroo care/take care of tummy time at the same time?
also on PT's rec. we bought one of those big balls at the grocery store (almost yoga sized) and put pnut belly down on top of it to build up her neck/core muscles (just sort of rolled her back and forth on it a bit), then worked up to seated position, etc. and now it gets kicked around by same kid in the backyard- almost hard to believe!
Posted by: pnuts mama | July 27, 2007 at 01:11 AM
Although Zoe did manage to fall asleep by herself a lot at nap time in the early weeks, now it is almost impossible without my help. Currently we are working on getting her back to sleep without nursing and it has been hit and miss, but I do see some progress. What I'm trying to say is that when very little, they do tend to conk out by themselves, probably lulled to sleep by all the chaos that is happening around them. Then as they start to grow and get more attached to mummmy and aware of their surroundings, they need some help.
Posted by: paola | July 27, 2007 at 04:50 AM
For the snapping awake when put down, a couple of thoughts:
1) Temperature change. My oldest needed to have the mattress warmed before he could be put down. Changing to flannel sheets helped a lot (all year long).
2) Rotation vs. tipping. One of my kids could be rolled onto the bed, but tip him at any angle other than where he was while falling asleep, and he'd snap awake (I think that was the oldest, kinda fuzzy on it). I had to make sure he fell asleep totally horizontal, but then I could roll him over into the crib easily. Yeah, that was G, the oldest, because B, the next one, could not be rolled unless it was under his own power, but could be tipped. So if I could get him to sleep in a position that was sleep-able (or be prepared to prop him with rolled blankies in the same position as he fell asleep), he could be put down - tip up or down, no prob. Rotate him, and he'd snap awake. We were cosleeping by then, but that worked for naps. The twins, I really don't recall, I was so sleep deprived at that time... very fuzzy on the whole period.
3) Count the actual time asleep before moving. It can take 10-15 minutes before they're deeply enough asleep to be moved without rousing. That's a LOOOOONG time if you've just spent 40 minutes nursing them down. But if I watched the clock and waited, the other issues were less critical. Usually.
4) Note how they fall asleep. Some kids will kind of peer out at you while they fall asleep, keep opening and closing their eyes, as if to check the conditions. Those kids (IIRC, per Ferber) are the ones who MUST have the same conditions when falling asleep as when waking. So if they fall asleep on you, they need to be on you every time they rouse, or they freak and shoot adrenaline through their bodies and can't get back down again. Not all of mine were like that, but it is a pretty common mode. I remember plenty of times being 'trapped by a sleeping baby'... we took advantage of this tendency, actually. It was an enforced nap for us, especially on weekends, where DH and I could get into arguments over who got to be trapped by the sleeping baby today. The other parent would provide the snacks and drinks, the tv remote, whatever was needed, and since it is blessed hard to stay awake while a baby sleeps on you, usually the trapped one got a good snooze. (I highly recommend rocker recliners, LOL!) I also would nurse down in odd places, like flat on the floor (our kids slept on mats on the floor a lot, rather than upstairs in the bedroom), so that they wouldn't have to move at all, and whatever I was doing would be nearby enough that if they roused, I was still right there (ish). That usually worked better after around 5 months, though.
Tummy time may also help visual function, because it causes focal points to change close up every time their head bobbles. I can remember staring at the carpet, and even the texture of it under my hands and my cheek when I gave up and put my head down. (yeah, I have an unusually long memory) It took effort to look at different points. Granted, I still ended up with glasses... but the visual processing is good. The other thing that tummy time is good for is reducing the flat-back-of-head thing. More tummy time, more time for the skull to round back out.
Hang in there! As noted, it does get better. I have one who didn't sleep through all the time until he was 4 (and under chiropractic care), another who slept 5 hours at 5 weeks and added an hour a week at that point, and twins who differed from each other, so that I was waking 3-10+ times a night, varying with each stage... ugh. At 2 1/2, they're both fairly good sleepers, though in a fussy stage, I'm still up 3-6 times a night.
Posted by: hedra | July 27, 2007 at 09:00 AM
Re: tummy time, keep in mind that time on your shoulder counts, too. (Or so I heard.) So if you're sitting on the couch and baby's head is resting on your shoulder but he periodically picks it up and looks around, that's equivalent to tummy time. We never did a lot of tummy time (mine didn't seem to mind it but I honestly forgot to do it very often!) but we had lots of shoulder time and he lifted his head like a champ from very early.
Major thanks to Moxie and all you commenters about the sleep issue. I don't know if it's just coincidence that she posted this the day after I emailed to say, "WHEN, when can I stop nursing him to sleep???" He is almost 12 months and we still nurse or rock him to sleep. For some reason I feel better knowing I might have to do this until he is 2 or 3 or 4. It kind of drives me crazy (esp. when he won't drift off while nursing but instead fusses and clambers all over me for half an hour), but I know there is an end in sight. Someday.
And to you new moms: it really does get better! Even if it seems pretty great to you (as it did to me), imagine it getting even better than that. And even though it was great from the beginning and I had a relatively easy everything (conception, pregnancy, labor, baby, husband--except breastfeeding, that was almost impossible but I persevered!)--anyway, I was thrilled to be pregnant and he was a super-great baby, and even so, in the early weeks I cried in the shower almost every day and asked myself, "What have I DONE? I have made a terrible mistake and there is no undoing it." It really really does get better. There are still tough times, but I think it gets easier to remember that phases DO end. Take heart. You can do it!
Posted by: Jen '96 | July 27, 2007 at 10:01 AM
Laura, it really does get better: with our son, the 6th week was the nadir of the constant fussing and waking (and we were very grateful, since by that point our spines had fused from constantly bouncing the tiny while sitting on a yoga ball.)
A swing can work really well to give you those precious few minutes to take a proper shower or read or otherwise rehumanize yourself. Our babe slept in his for hours at a time. Taking the stroller outside can also work wonders: the motion lulls them into sleep, and the ambient noise keeps baby asleep once you're parked.
And Moxie and Megan said it best: be kind to yourself. You're doing a great job, and good for you for asking the questions so many of us secretly had, but were too chicken to say out loud!
Posted by: anna | July 27, 2007 at 01:13 PM
Thanks so much for this. My baby's 11 weeks now, and I think his 'six week' growth spurt lasted from 5-8 weeks. He's a high-touch baby - hates to be put down, and has a hard time sleeping alone or playing by himself - but reading this is reassuring to me. This is all within 'normal' behaviour. He's just now starting to be able to enjoy his swing or sit in a recliner outside on the patio and watch the trees for up to 15-20 minutes if he's in a good mood. During the growth spurt, he refused to sleep alone at all, but before and since he can be coaxed to sleep in the crib or bassinet with patience and perseverance - lots of pick-up-put-down, up to three hours! We don't let him cry it out, but I've learned to tolerate a few minutes of fussing while I finish my shower, go to the bathroom or grab something to eat or drink - Mama's needs are important too!
My Wesley loves his sling/snugli, especially for walks outside. If all else fails, taking him for a long walk will calm him and put him to sleep. The stroller is okay too, but after a short time he wants to be held again, and I end up with him in arms or in the sling anyway. He also likes bus rides, but it takes him 20 minutes or longer to fall asleep in the carseat - he fusses and wails almost to the end of the trip and then conks out right as we have to get out of the car. 'Driving him down' is just not an option for us.
Posted by: bree | July 28, 2007 at 12:39 PM
I'm sure I'm not going to add much that others haven't said already, but here goes:
My daughter had a *lot* of trouble falling asleep for many months (she was a preemie and had reflux - joy!) We found that we were able to take little steps towards going to sleep on her own. We've come a long way - there were many nights that she only slept on top of me while sitting up, or while being bounced in her bouncy chair. Makes for a great night of sleep! However, she did eventually get a bit better, and each month we were able to work towards a little bit more independance with going to sleep. We found we worked towards small goals - like lying down and being nursed to sleep, then just being patted, and then eventually being put down with just a minimum of crying. Now, at nine months she mostly falls asleep on her own, with a bit of crying sometimes. Each month we were able to make a little step forward. It might not work for everyone though.
As for entertaining themselves - only in the last couple of months has my daughter been able to "entertain" herself for a little bit. Mobiles and such do help, and honestly? I'm not above using the tv for the 15-20 minutes that it takes to get dinner ready on occasion (especially as it falls during my daughter's witching hour). I know some won't agree, but it worked for us. it really does help when they become more mobile. However we found that when they first start to go through the beginning stages of mobility (rolling over and such) their frustration at not getting completely over, or into one position and not being able to move, may mean they require extra attention during that time. We did find that the Jumperoo (once the have head control) was a wonder machine. Oh, and toys that make the loudest, most annoying, most completely mind-numbing, irritating sound? Those seem to be the best for capturing the wee ones attention, much to my ever-lasting despair.
Posted by: b*babbler | July 29, 2007 at 09:38 PM
Please, please, please forgive me if this sounds like I don't feel sorry for you, but HOORAY!!!!! In all my family, friends circle, etc., I was never able to meet/hear about anyone who's baby also did this. I feel sad for you. Not just because it's frustrating now, but because if your child is anything like mine (who is now 18 months and still not exactly stellar at sleeping) you are in for a bumpy, crazy, sleepless ride.
My best advice is this. Even if you're nursing. Even if you LOVE nursing him to sleep. Even if you think formula is of the devil (all of those I believed). Give your baby 2-4 oz of formula at bedtime - just the one big bedtime at night. This would have helped my child so much. Looking back on it now I know I went wrong by refusing any formula at all. My poor guy was just HUNGRY! As soon as we was done nursing at 10 months and we gave him the bottle he slept much better.
#2 - I swear this sounds crazy, but try it. One thing worked for my boy. To nurse him to sleep right there in bed with me. Crawling into the crib also worked, but I would usually wake him getting out. I cried and cried and screamed and yelled because I wanted a different way, but once I finally gave up he was a happy boy. AND he chose when to go into his own room (10 months - not so bad). And if you are financially able get an Amby Baby hammock. Seriously even if you nurse/feed/rock your baby down and he wakes up when you put him in there that thing will lull him back to sleep in no time. Good luck!
Posted by: kellie | August 03, 2007 at 02:23 AM
- I could have written every word of this post, Abi. We live in a small flat in London, but I have my man and my (nearly) two year old son Maximillian. I prhaogotph things I love (again, not as often as I'd like) but life's not bad, all in all, and I can't honestly complain!
Posted by: fuach | July 27, 2012 at 09:01 AM
LOVE my Ergo. Maybe the best $ I spent on baby gear. You always end up buynig all sorts of things you never use or don't like after you use them, but this carrier is also one of my favs! Haven't tried it with a newborn/young infant yet since I didn't discover it until my DD was 7 mos. old, but would like to try the newborn insert with #2!
Posted by: Auth | July 27, 2012 at 06:54 PM
Lesli, thank you for your cute comment! I loved it and it means a lot cniomg from someone with the eye . Hope you are doing well! I saw you are church, but didn't want to interrupt your conversation, so I am saying hi now. Take care!
Posted by: Joshua | July 27, 2012 at 08:14 PM
Erin! These turned out sooo cute! It makes me want to doanlowd mine in second thought, it actually makes me not want to see how mine turned out in comparison. LOL You rocked it! It was great to meet you!
Posted by: Rameshwar | July 28, 2012 at 11:37 PM
My son slept in a bassinet for about 4 mhntos. He then moved into our bed. Let Him I would stay in the bassinet as long as he does not get too big for it. Eventually my son got so long he could not fit anymore.
Posted by: Joselo | December 10, 2012 at 03:40 AM
Anyway, we're finally in a good place with him, sleep-wise. I don't want to jinx it, but we've been doing really well for the past week or so.
Posted by: queen size memory foam mattress | December 31, 2012 at 07:39 AM