I've gotten a bunch of requests to talk about spacing children. Before we start, I want to say that I think this is a relatively unimportant topic because a) it's an incredible luxury to be able to choose how far apart you want your children to be, and b) any spacing will work out well if the parents make an effort to facilitate understanding between siblings (and, conversely, any spacing will suck if the parents increase the competition between the kids).
Also, I'm not going to argue for any spacing being best, because all I have is my own experience to draw on. That's what you guys are for, is to give a whole bunch of data points. All I can do is tell you what worked for me and why I chose it.
My brother and I are three years apart (I'm older, quelle surprise) and I always felt like it was a great distance. We were far enough apart not to be on top of each other, but close enough to play together easily. I didn't think I could handle kids two years apart or closer, so I tried for three years, and my own two are 3 years, 2 months apart. I'm very happy with the spacing (although, really, are there that many people who are unhappy with the spacing for their kids for more than just the first 6-12 months?), but here are the things I learned:
1. At that point it was already too late, but when my older son was 2 1/2 I had this feeling that he and I could both have handled it easily if another baby showed up right then.
2. One thing that was amazing about having an already-three-year-old and a newborn was that when I needed to nurse the baby down, I could stick the three-year-old in front of a Bob the Builder episode and know he'd stay glued to it like a younger child wouldn't. That was a lifesaver for the first six months.
3. A three-year-old was verbal enough to tell me what was bothering him emotionally and logistically.
4. If I'd had my kids 18 months apart I would have gotten the excruciating 18-month and three-year-old stages over with at the same time, instead of dragging out the angst.
5. My two started playing together constantly from the time the little one was nine months old or so. But so did the kids of my friends who had their kids four years apart.
So you can see that there are benefits to all sorts of spacings, and you'll always second-guess, even just a little.
Now you play. What did you do? What worked for you? What worked or didn't with your own siblings, if any? What would you like to do? What do you wish you had done? What role do you thing parental stress level and mindfulness has on the equation?
We have two boys, 15 months apart. Part of our reasoning in the spacing was financial -- I took a few years off of work before they went to preschool, but my return to my career was pretty easy and I've been a WOHM most of the time since then. Our guys are as different as can be, but they are very, very close. Having two kids who were essentially the same age made things like activities and play easier. My only regret is that I was so very tired those first couple of years but more support from family or my husband would have taken care of that.
Posted by: Steph | June 05, 2007 at 11:09 AM
No kids here, but I am the oldest (girl) of three. My two younger brothers are five and ten years younger than I, respectively. This is not what my parents planned, exactly... they intended me and middle kid to be more closely spaced (didn't happen) and the decision to have youngest kid was a 180 degree switch from their original plan to have two.
From a parental point of view, I've got to think this is in some ways a good arrangement. The older kids are at school at least part of the day and somewhat self-sufficient when you are taking care of an infant. Plus you get a metric assload of free babysitting out of the oldest:) On the other hand, it does mean they signed on for basically 28 years of kids-at-home parenting, which is not for the faint of heart.
I did play with both of my brothers quite a bit despite the age gap. Little kids *love* attention from their "big" siblings, and it's cool when you are a seven year old to have someone who looks up to you with such awe.
Posted by: Abbie | June 05, 2007 at 11:15 AM
Ha! Caro, I think you may be right--these kind of postings are, in the end, mostly of interest to the person posting. As it should be. That said, I've gotten a lot out of this thread by people who have commented on how parenting style matters more than anything. My 2 girls are 2 1/2 years apart and as I was reading through I would think "Oh no! This person HATED being 2 1/2 years apart! What have we done to our poor girls?" And then, "How great! This person LOVED being 2 and 1/2 years apart from her sib--aren't we brilliant!" I think this will spark a productive conversation with DH as we talk about this in terms of our parenting style.
Posted by: rudyinparis | June 05, 2007 at 01:21 PM
Just a note for Amber and Meegan -- I absolutely firmly believe there is some biological THING that happens at around 9 months that makes you want another baby. Only the moms. :) I felt such a strong pull when my daughter was that age that I started talking to the Hubby about it and started being a teensy bit less careful about birth control.
About a 2 weeks after we decided to hold off (he just wasn't mentally ready) I went to the dr. for a routine checkup and oh, oops, guess what? Pregnant.
But that pull was there again, so strong, when our Little Dude was around that same age. It has faded over time (though I'd still like a third), which is part of what makes me think it's something biological.
That's right about the time I got me period back both times, and around the time both babies weaned themselves completely. Of course it's also around the time they started doing more toddler stuff (crawling, working toward walking) and less baby stuff (needing to be rocked to sleep, nursing) so maybe it was just a desire to extend babyhood?
Posted by: Jan | June 05, 2007 at 01:26 PM
Like others, I think it's more about the parenting than the age gap. I'm the eldest, and my two brothers are five and eleven years younger than me. It wasn't planned that way, they just took their time arriving.
I fought quite a lot with the middle brother, especially when he was around six and I was eleven, and for a few years after that, but I think that was more down to personalities and lack of space than anything else. Now we're 31 and 25, and are quite close - I'm so proud to know the man he's turning out to be!
For my youngest brother, I was more of an extra-mom than a sister, and I loved it. As far as I was concerned, nobody could look after him as well as I could! I think it's fair to say that I was quite a big help for our mother. We're still very close, and I think and worry about him more than I think you would for "just" a brother.
In short: don't think big age gaps necessarily mean that siblings won't be close. It's about the family, not the numbers!
Posted by: Karin | June 05, 2007 at 02:48 PM
Caro - how funny. Just as I got to your comment, I was thinking, "This is all so subjective, it's barely interesting ..." That said, it did get me thinking about what my *own* theories/hopes/parenting techniques around spacing will be.
And Jan - I was fascinated to read your theory about the nine-month baby urge. I am totally going through that right now and it freaks me out!!
Posted by: Amy | June 05, 2007 at 04:45 PM
I also just wanted to say Jan's 9-month theory is interesting. That is me right now! We always said we only wanted one but I am *really* feeling the urge these days for another -- that is part of what had me reading all of these comments.
And just to add to the overall discussion. I am the oldest. My sister is 16-months younger and my brother is 20-months younger than my sister. We all alternately loved and hated each other as children and took turns pairing up and leaving the third one out. :) When we hit the teens, I had some pretty nasty fights with my sister but we are all close again as adults.
Posted by: Debbie | June 05, 2007 at 09:20 PM
Well, we started out spacing the kids about 2 years apart .... and then stuff happened and #3 didn't come along until 6 years after #2 ... and then something else happened and now #4 will arrive 5.5 years after #3.
When I was pregnant with #3 I was very worried about how the kids would get along with such a large gap in ages, but it's fine, really. He worships the older kids, they adore being adored, they all get on each other's nerves to an appropriate degree, and our family feels right. Although I wouldn't have planned things this way, it has worked out just fine.
Posted by: Ruth | June 06, 2007 at 01:12 PM
Two years apart IS hard in the beginning. When my older daughter hit three, I thought, "Ahhh...NOW would have been a good time to have another baby!" But now that they're 4 and 2, it's all good. They're close, they play very well together, and though they have different interests we can usually include both children in everything we do.
My brother and I are three years apart. We fought like crazy as kids, but became friends in our teens. I was younger enough to need "looking out for" and I think that helped!
This is a great topic. It's fun to read everyone's stories!
Posted by: Her Grace | June 06, 2007 at 03:30 PM
My brother and sister are 15 and 16 years older than me. I was basically an only child and very lonely. My husband and his brother are 18 months apart and are very close. I originally hoped for 2.5 but got pregnant a few months sooner than planned but then had a miscarriage. Traumatic. Then another pregnancy soon after led to another miscarriage 5 months after the first. Finally I did have a succesful pregnancy and my beautiful boy is 2 years and 10 months younger than my wonderful daughter. I think this is perfect and I'm very happy with the way it all turned out. I have to say that after my miscarriages I would hear people speak about trying to space their children and it bothered me. There is so much that is not predicatable in making babies! My mother-in-law still talks about the trauma of not getting pregnant after the first 2 tries...
Posted by: robin | June 06, 2007 at 08:41 PM
My children are 2 years, 9 months apart, which has been pretty terrific timing from my persepctive. I agree with the commenter above who noted that the SAHM/WOHM distinction seems to affect our ideas about child spacing. I work, and simply could not have envisioned another child when my first was only 1 or 1.5. I felt like I was just getting back into the swing of balancing work and life, and adding a pregnancy and newborn to that felt like more than I could handle.
But by the time my son was 2, I felt ready to take it on again. He was becoming more independent, so I felt able to meet his needs, those of a baby, and still contemplate working. (Although I should add that I took 6 mos of maternity leave, and only work part-time since my daughter was born, which certainly factored into the equation.)
My children are now 6 and 3, and while they certainly have their squabbles, they do really well together, and have pretty much from the outset. The older one likes to baby the younger, while she really looks up to her big brother, and he benefits from the hero worship. Yet, they are close enough in age that they can be entertained by and enjoy similar things.
Posted by: Amy | June 07, 2007 at 12:58 PM
i'm 4+ mths pregnant with my second and the first is just 8mths. she is still breastfeeding. comments welcomed is she in any danger from still breastfeeding?
Posted by: ADAEZE | December 07, 2007 at 07:14 AM
My husband and I are currently trying to decide when the "ideal" time for us to have our second child will be. We may try as early as this summer, which would make our daughter just over 3 years old around the time of our second child's arrival, or hold off another year, which would make them 4 years apart. Potty training and pre-school are the factors swirling in my head. It would be great to just have one at a time in diapers, also, if my daughter were older, I could put her in pre-school and have at least the mornings devoted to our second.
I was one of three children. I'm in the middle of two brothers, we're all 2 1/2 years apart. I don't think the spacing made us any closer; we're all three very different and are friendly but certainly not close. I don't know if it's spacing, gender, or inherent personality that makes or breaks sibling relationships, I just wish we could make up our minds!
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