Rebecca writes:
"My 16 month old son is having pretty intense social anxiety. He is also having separation anxiety so I'm not sure if they just go hand-in-hand? He is having a really hard time in any sort of playdate situation. He is visibly stressed, upset, clingy, etc. The slightest thing sets him off and he comes running to me sobbing for comfort. He is fine at home with me and hubby, and actually does OK in other toddler arenas, for example, the play gym, parks, etc. I really think it's mostly the implied expectation of social interaction. Even if we go to the park and meet another Mom/Kid there, he is much more stressed than when we just go by ourselves. I also notice that he will separate himself from the main kid-heavy areas and run off into more open spaces to be by himself. But again, he will do fine at our toddler gym or mall play areas which can be quite overrun with kids! So I'm a bit confused. The worst scenarios are at someone's home - confined to their playroom in close proximity with one or more kids. Total meltdown!! And I am always right with him so it's not a trigger of my leaving him alone. That sep anxiety is a whole different ball of wax...or is it?
Help! - will this go away or should I be more concerned? Is this a stage or his personality? We have been doing playgroups, etc, since he was born so socializing isn't a new idea for him. And he always did fine until about two months ago. I've heard the gamut of advice from 'Have him evaluated...' to 'It'll pass...just a stage.' My inner Mommy voice isn't giving me a strong feeling either way!
Thx! I really like your site and find it refreshing to hear from Moms who are being truthful in their struggles!!"
If it were me I'd get him evaluated, for several reasons. The first is just magical thinking, which is that I'd figure that by the time I got through all the hoop-jumping to get the eval, he'd probably have moved on to the next phase. But I'd also rather do the eval and find out it was nothing than spend more months worrying about it. If it isn't bothering you that much, then maybe you don't want to get him evaluated. But since you took the trouble to email me about it, I'm guessing it's bugging you enough to initiate the process to rules things out for your own peace of mind.
On one hand, it totally could be some kind of sensory integration thing. A friend of ours with a sensory integration disorder is fine in wide open spaces and when there are a bunch of kids not necessarily paying attention to him, but has problems in smaller spaces or one-on-one with another kid for a playdate. So it could be some mild form of this.
Or it could just be part of being 16 months old and going through some separation anxiety and dealing with the independence and control issues of that age.
If I had to place a cash bet on whether or not this was going to turn out to be anything, I'd bet that it's just a phase. The reason I think that is because Rebecca's Mom Spidey Sense isn't going off. I really think that if we let ourselves trust our instincts we can tell the difference between something and nothing with our own kids. But I'd still get the evaluation just so I'd know whether it was something or nothing and could stop wondering.
I'd have to vote for a phase as well. My favorite parenting guru (Burton White) wrote that according to Piaget, babies don't really need/appreciate time with peers until 18 mos, and I can remember all of my kids going through a similar clingy/anxious phase around this time (maybe even a little later-- they were all 'late bloomers').
Posted by: Meira | June 25, 2007 at 08:43 AM
You can also do a little 'self-help' with the book 'Helping Your Anxious Child' (pick it up from the library, you probably don't need a copy at home given your non-distressed reaction) - sometimes the combo of the phase clinginess plus parental responses can cycle up the anxiety. BTDT, and it is really easy to make the anxiety worse while trying to make it better. The book has really useful info (IMHO, for all parents, but especially for any child who is at all prone to anxiety - chances are that while the phase may pass, the anxiety may cycle up with later phases, too).
I've had two kids with significant anxiety, and both were pretty bad around this age. So, again, likely stage-related. Which isn't to say that there's no reason to try to help. If you're concerned at all, an assessment isn't a bad plan - the sensory stuff can interfere in preschool/K a LOT, so it is worth getting a handle on (BTDT, too - one child who would attack, hit, or bite any child who ran up to give him a hug or say hi, if he couldn't flee first).
My last (broken record) note is to check diet, too - M, my highly-anxious (to the point of zombie-like paralysis and selective mutism) daughter, was worst when she had too much fructose in her system. She cannot have more than one serving (1/4-1/2 cup) of even the 'safest' fruits per day, and none at all (any form, juice, fruit, sauce, etc.) of apples, pears, peaches, nectarines, cherries, concord grape, mango, watermelon, canteloupe (and some others, the list is really long). Also no fruit-juice-sweetened items, dried fruit, or high fructose corn syrup (which is in freakin' everything in the US, argh!). When she is 'off' the fructose for 3-4 days, she's almost normal. Definitely more socially anxious than average, and tends toward the very quiet side under pressure, but can cope on her own with some support and a little aware parenting. But 'on' fructose, she's completely overwhelmed within fractions of a second when someone so much as looks at her. Instant panic. (Fructose malabsorption causes a drop in seratonin levels, which means more depression and anxiety. Fructose absorption is naturally at its lowest from 1-3 years old, and we tend to offer the 14+ month olds LOTS of fructose-rich foods, thinking 'hey, they're healthy!'... sigh.)
The fact that this showed up in the last two months points to me toward the 'summer diet' stuff (cheaper, more plentiful fruit; more juice/drinks to counteract the heat), as much as the 'phase' stuff. Presuming you're in the northern hemisphere, of course.
Posted by: hedra | June 25, 2007 at 10:16 AM
I have a 16 month old who is going through similar things. when we are out together he won't stop holding my hand, and when I am around he contstantly wants to be with me. he needs a lot of encouragement to go off by himself. when we were at the park the other day he wrapped his legs around my leg when i tried to set him down. my husband is a little concerned, but I feel like he is pushing through some new emotional issues. if it continues for a month or two more I may become a little concerned, but i really think they just go through different weird stages. I think now a days there is a lot of pressure on parents for kids to be doing things on a certain schedule- be that percentiles, or having 3 words by 15 months, or whatever. I think there is also a lot of pressure from other moms. I've been in that spot when my kid was screaming and i was getting asked "is he always like this?" Yeah he is. Thanks for asking.
Posted by: sama | June 25, 2007 at 03:31 PM
I agree that it's likely a phase, perhaps coupled with a somewhat sensitive child. My daughter was quite clingy and socially uncomfortable around that time. She too would isolate herself at the playground (she would find a corner and dig in the sand while the other kids played on the slides and swings). She also needed me right there in social situations and would freak if other kids jostled her or tried to touch her. She's slowly grown out of that phase and, at 2, is much more independent and comfortable with other kids (although she still doesn't like being touched!).
We did have an evaluation which showed no major issues, except that she's "slow to warm up." However, I am glad we did it because it dispelled my concerns. Otherwise, I would have worried for months until the phase passed.
What I found that helped my daughter during this phase:
1) Make playdates with just one or two kids, rather than a large group of kids.
2) Consciously try to find some playmates that are on the gentler end of the spectrum.
3) When possible, arrange for playdates to be outdoors (parks, backyards, etc.). Less confined spaces enabled my daughter to move away from interactions that were too intense.
4) Allow her to "go at her own pace" when entering a social situation - no pushing her to join in, and letting her cling as long as she wanted without making a big deal about it.
5) Relaxing about the whole thing. I think kids pick up on the parents' frustration and it stresses them out even more. I found that if I just didn't worry about it and let her do her own thing in social situations, she'd have a fine time - even if it meant she was off in a corner by herself.
Good luck!
Posted by: Cynthia | June 25, 2007 at 04:14 PM
HELP PLEASE !!!!
My daughter used to go to a family daycare since she was 8 months. She used to go to a group daycare between 5-8 months. After she stopped going to group daycare .. I took her for a week to see my family. She developed anxiety around men around that time. She screams and cries whenever she sees any of our male friends. At some point she used to cry even if my husband wore cap or glasses. It takes her couple of days to warm up if I am around.
I thought this would go away and now no longer believe that. My pediatrician thinks it is just a phase.
I do understand the anxiety around new faces or places.
What concerns me is that she screams and cries in daycare whenever the care provider's husband and son come or whenever another kids father drops by. She has been seeing them for 8 months now. The other kids in the daycare seemed to be fine.
Last week I took her out of family daycare fearing as this was the first infant the lady was handling and given her husband and son wuld be at home most of the days.
Last few weeks she is also showing anxiety around kids. I took her for playdate with my neighbor's grandson and after some time she just started screaming if she came near him. She played with him initially. She displayed the same behavior when I took her to play with my friend's son.
She is fine with my friend's daughter.
I do take her out and so does my husband.We do meet friends. Any suggestions ?
I am scared if this is some phobia or disorder ?
Posted by: Gowri Murthy | July 01, 2007 at 05:16 PM
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Posted by: dainel | July 19, 2007 at 04:28 AM
my daighter is 16 months old and i can't even take her to church because if someone even looks at her she starts to scream and cry and it doesn't stop until we leave, this also happens at the doctor's office of if it someone she is not use to. it is very frustrating and even embarrassing at times. is this just a phase because i do not want my child not to be able to enjoy life, other people, or even holidays?
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