Sarah writes:
"I'm going to be 30 in September and I've been married for 4 years. My husband and I are happy & employed and have decided to start "trying" in August.
I really want to have a child & the desire has increased over the past six months, but I also really want to travel to Europe, especially London and Italy where we know people & have never visited. We were told by a married family member with kids to delay having children and "just travel." I would if we could afford an expensive vacation & it would be a stretch, but we could swing it. On the other hand, three of my under 30 friends have had trouble getting pregnant, with all of them having to see specialists.
I'd love to travel to Europe, but I'd hate myself if I delayed having children and then had difficulty getting pregnant.
As a married person with two kids, what is your advice?"
This isn't something anyone else can decide for you, of course, but it certainly won't stop me from giving my opinion. Before I do, let me say a few things that probably should be said before we all play "what would I do if I were in Sarah's shoes?".
1) If you're going to have problems getting pregnant, waiting two months to start isn't going to make or break having a baby (it could take you more than two months to get in to see a specialist). So if the decision is to start trying in August or travel for your birthday in September, it's not going to make much difference in the scope of things to wait to start trying until October. Or move your trip to July. Or start trying on your trip.
2) You can still travel after you have kids. Yes, it's easier without them, but when you have one you can still go plenty of places (especially if you have a good backpack). Don't listen to all the doonsayers. Perfect is the enemy of the good, so if you can deal with having things not be as simple and spontaneous as they were before you can still have a great time traveling once you have kids. (My favorite destination with a kid: Puerto Rico. Everyone we met loved kids, the food was toddler-friendly, it was easy to drive around, the rainforest was perfect for hiking with the toddler in the backpack, and kids love the beach. But don't ask me for hotel recommendations, because we stayed with a family friend.)
3) If You're goign to have to wait and save up for a trip to Europe anyway, why not just start saving now, see what happens with getting pregnant, and then go when you can afford it? Unless you're hugely pregnant or the baby is under 5-6 months old you can go to Europe and have a great time with or without a child. You might be overthinking things, and will find that they'll resolve themselves if you just stay loose and start working toward both things.
Now, having said that, if I were you I'd go to either Maine or San Francisco this summer, and start trying in August. Then if I wasn't pregnant yet I'd go to either Costa Rica or Italy for Thanksgiving. If I was pregnant I'd go to Austin or New Orleans for Thanksgiving.
Who else wants to play?
I didn't have a rollercoaster of years of infertility... but I did have a year of dilligently trying unsuccessfully, with specialist appointments made and blood tests performed, just before we found out about the little man.
And I couldn't agree more with Moxie on both 1 and 2. I'd like to add that we end up playing so many games with ourself over this pregnancy/fertility/trying to conceive thing, that it's important to recognize those loopholes and stomp down on the what ifs whenever we actually recognize them.
Because once you actually get pregnant there are so many what ifs... and then you have the baby and there are a million more.
Now to play:
I would start trying whenever you want. I like Maine.. but also maybe go to the Pacific Northwest this summer and then the desert southwest this fall if you aren't pregnant.
Or just save for your trip to Europe, plan it like you aren't going to have a baby there... and if you make it, because getting pregnant took a little longer than you though... well that's something to look forward to. And if you get pregnant... well that's something to look forward to and you can do Europe next year with a toddler.
Posted by: Nutmeg | June 29, 2007 at 07:06 AM
Don't wait to start trying to get pregnant - make it a fun part of your trip!
Seriously, with the knowledge of your friends having fertility difficulties in the back of your brain, you're probably already boarderline stressed out about the prospect of having the same ordeal yourself - probably for no reason. Actually, a lot of couples who have trouble concieving end up finally concieving when they go on vacation, when the couple is finally relaxed enough to just have fun and not count the days till the next cycle. It's really no coincidence - the hormone prolactin, one of the ones also directly involved with milk production, is also released by the female body when it is stressed out, making it more difficult to get pregnant (the reason why you often don't get your period for the months in which you are breastfeeding); on vacation: less stress, less hormone, ideally, lots of happy, lazy sex - presto chango! (so to speak)
Besides, if you do have to wait a while to get pregnant, you'll kick yourself for waiting around and not having fun in the meantime. My husband and I actually did have a lot of trouble getting pregnant, and one of the best things we did during that stressful time was taking a vacation to Greece, just the two of us. And if you are pregnant, you can still travel in the second trimester. When I finally got pregnant, we went to Italy, and that was great, too.
Besides, as an American Expat living in Germany (the reason we could afford to travel to those great locations in the first place), I'm going to have to travel with my kid (now 8 mos) a lot to visit la Familia in the states, and I can attest to it being a lot of fun, even with all the challenges. I was just home for the first time when baby boy was 6 months, and if you remain flexible and take your cues from your baby, you can do a lot and have a great time. My greatest weapon was my sling (Didymos), if you do end up traveling with a baby.
Good luck! Don't wait - for the "trying" or for the vacay!
Posted by: Emily | June 29, 2007 at 07:32 AM
I have found travelling with small children to be a disaster most of the time, and exceedingly unfun and not relaxing for Mom. This could be because we always seem to end up in some emergency room. That just didn't happen pre-kids. I'd love to say you can just pop the kid in a backpack and off you go; I've known people for whom this is true. But, of course, I've also known people who get pregnent first go, every time.
You _might_ have trouble conceiving, you _might_ have trouble travelling with kids. Your friends' experiences and mine and Moxie's can't predict that. My take would be do what you want to do and don't beat yourself up either way. Life is a risky proposition!
Or take the long view - the elders in my circle are wild globe-trotters. Always off to tango in Argentina or sail some ship to some exotic port.
Posted by: enu | June 29, 2007 at 08:24 AM
Sarah, I can relate to your desire to plan ahead. I felt the same way; before I had kids, I wanted to do all the things my friends with kids kept moaning about not being able to do. And as someone who loves to sit down with the calendar on New Year's Eve and plan out the year ahead (yeah, I'm a party gal), I also wanted to be able to fit in having a baby at exactly the right time.
Along the way to having my child, a couple of things happened. One, we got the opportunity to live abroad at the same time we wanted to start "trying" (I was 34 at the time so also worried it might take a while) and I had to let go of the idea that things would happen to me just when they made the most sense. Two, I started paying attention to friends and family members who, instead of complaining about not being able to travel with their kids, just packed them up and did it anyway.
So I decided to just live my life as usual while we tried to conceive, and things would work out for the best. And what do you know, now I have a five-month-old child who has already visited four different countries. Recently, I realized I was looking at having a baby as saying goodbye to life as I knew it. I didn't get that the baby would join me in my life, and it would be so much fun to include him in the activities I love.
(Hey Emily, I'm in Germany too! Email me from my blog if you want, we're about to do the first trip to the States and I'd love to hear if you have any good advice, especially about overcoming baby jetlag.)
Posted by: Blythe | June 29, 2007 at 08:26 AM
We did this very thing - got married in July 05, planned our European Honeymoon for June 06. It was also helpful to tell all the naggers that we'd start trying after we saw Europe. We were preggers by the end of July 06.
I wish I lived in Germany.
Posted by: Dawn | June 29, 2007 at 08:38 AM
1. Pick up a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Charting your cycle as the book describes will allow you to either get pregnant quickly (or when you want to) or find out there's a problem quickly. I charted only two months and then got pregnant on the first try, at the age of 33. Not of any predictive value for you, but another data point. (I also got pregnant on a trip to Europe. Again, says nothing about what will happen to you, but there it is.)
2. A big trip without kids is worth doing. It's not that you can't travel with kids, but it is different.
3. Unless you are high risk, there's no reason you can't travel while pregnant, at least before your sixth month or so. You will probably enjoy the trip more if you are not pregnant, but certainly pregnant travel is possible.
Posted by: Helen | June 29, 2007 at 08:51 AM
Totally go to Europe now and try to conceive the baby there!!!
:)
Posted by: jessica | June 29, 2007 at 08:57 AM
We went to Europe on our "babymoon," and it was a blast.
If it were me, I'd be planning a fall trip to Europe - pregnant or not, you'd be early enough along that a trip isn't going to change things one way or another. Just be careful of raw veg in Europe, because you may be exposed to toxoplasmosis.
Posted by: Jane Plane | June 29, 2007 at 09:06 AM
Puerto Rico, huh? I'm gonna look into that! I need a vacation big time, and with a one-year-old, it's hard to decide where to visit. I'm with Moxie on this (as usual). Don't worry too much about the when's and the how's. The worst that can happen is you end up putting off travel plans for a year or two while baby grows enough for you to be comfortable with traveling as a family. And not everyone 30 and older ends up in fertility clinics. I got pregnant at 34 - after our first try! And after we took a nice trip to Cancun, which I'm glad we did. Once my son gets a little bigger, he'll be a globe trotter - at least that's the plan!
Posted by: Diane | June 29, 2007 at 09:35 AM
I'm with everybody else saying DO BOTH!
But I wonder if your question has more to do with the financial implications of blowing the savings on a European vacation when you may need that money to pay for fertility treatments. It occurs to me that you will probably not be able to afford both the vacation AND treatments. I totally understand about being freaked about your own fertility because your friends are having trouble. I made an appointment with the endocrinologist before we even started trying! By the time the appointment rolled around (8 weeks later), I was 6 weeks pregnant. TRUST YOUR BODY until you have solid evidence not to.
Anyway, the financial compromise I see would be to get a preliminary fertility workup before you book the vacay so you can ENJOY it rather than wondering if you're blowing your "baby money." Chart for a month or two and ask your gyno what kinds of blood tests / noninvasive procedures that might give some insight into your fertility. Maybe a sperm count on the hub, too. That way, if these preliminary things come back wonky, you'll know you need to save the cash and concentrate on TTC. If they come back a-ok, then go to Europe and you can tell your baby he/she was concieved somewhere fabulous!
Posted by: MrsHaley | June 29, 2007 at 10:00 AM
I LOVE traveling with my son - by the time he was 15 months old, we had gone on about 9 airplane trips. He's been coast to coast and back already. The trick is to pad extra time for everything, pack as little as possible, get a good travel stroller (I swear by Combi) and don't sweat the small stuff. I haven't been on a plane since January (39 weeks pregnant here. Bah.) and am itchy to get both kids on a plan as soon as this little girl that's about to be born can fly.
Going to Europe? Travel off-season! It's SO much cheaper and the lines for everything are shorter. Four years ago, I went to Rome for 5 days in a February. We saw the ENTIRE city and knew the city like the back of my hand (we walked everywhere). We waited 45 minutes to see the Sistine Chapel (it's normally at least a 4-5 hour wait), I was able to do a nice, quiet prayer in St. Peter's Basilica and we did not have to deal with throngs of crowds (the Spanish steps were not that crowded, like you see sometimes). And my plane ticket? Was $329. No joke. The downside is that the weather was a little damp, that didn't bother me.
I think a lot of folks think that if they go to Europe, they need to do a full several weeks shebang of a trip. That can be expensive and difficult to schedule. Over the years, I've known lots of people who just go there for long weekends or a single week, then concentrate on a region or city. It's cheaper and much easier to schedule.
Maybe the reader can go for a shorter trip and try for her baby THERE? That would be quite a story as well, right? :-)
Posted by: cagey | June 29, 2007 at 10:01 AM
We did our traveling before we had kids (in fact, conceived our first somewhere between Japan and Europe), and we are really glad we made that decision, as neither of us is very adventurous about traveling with kids. Having said that, we did take a two year old to England for a week, and had a great time. We also have some friends who took their 10 month old to Switzerland and hiked the Alps with her in a pack. They also had a good time. So maybe we need to re-think this traveling with kids thing...
Posted by: charissa | June 29, 2007 at 10:02 AM
Totally try to have the baby and travel both. I was a big woos riht after our first was born and didn't travel ecept to visit family and domestically (we live in NYS and only went to Ontario, British Columbia, and Aspen i the first year). Finally, I relized (ha!) that I was going to have this kid for the rest of my life and unless i wanted to stop travelling altogether, I'd better figure out how to go with her. So when I was 7 months pregnnt with my second, we went to China and when the new guy was 2 months old, we went to Paris for a month (we aren't rich, hubbie's an academic and i tag along at conferences). Both trips were a lot of fun for all of us. Was it challenging? Of course! But so is taking a shower most days! Might as well be someplace fabulous.
And, travelling to Europe with a 2 month old was a breeze. He rode around in the sling all day, everyone kept calling him mignon and telling us how brave we were for travelling with him (except I think we were brave for taking the 3 year old!) and it didn't matter about the time difference because two month old don't hve a rigid schedule yet (at least not in my house)
I say go for it on all fronts!
Posted by: Sue | June 29, 2007 at 10:03 AM
I'm so tired of all the naysayers- "oh, no- she's walking! Watch out". Perhaps we have a really easy kid, but most of this assvice has not borne out for us. I wish this attitude of
'oh no babies are so high stress-your life will change! It will never be the same!' would just stop. I know there are lots of parents with high-needs/colicky babies-- and I know how important it is for them to share experiences (it was for me), but that is a separate issue as far as I'm concerned.
We traveled tons during our baby's first year (Salt Lake City, San Francisco, Chicago, Geneva, London, DC), it is really fun to travel with a youngster.
As far as trying. . .yes, start trying on your trip. Take the trip you decide you really want (once you start thinking hard about it, you may decide that another location is better for you guys).
Personally, I found London to be very pricey and just like NYC with more old stuff (I live in NYC, so going to a big city for a holiday was like. . .eh). You might be able to fly in/out of LHR and get a cheap fare to italy.
And, don't be negative about trying! Your frame of mind can affect your success. Hear hear on "Taking Charge of Your Fertility"- an awesome book.
Posted by: Helena | June 29, 2007 at 10:08 AM
I went through something like this--the year we determined we were ready to start trying (I had just turned 30), a friend of mine was getting married in the fall...in Thailand. I dithered about it for a long time--I didn't want to put off TTC, because I knew I might have problems (PCOS), but I also knew that the wedding would be a once-in-a-lifetime trip, and I would kick myself if I didn't end up getting pregnant and skipped out on traveling because "what IF" I would be pg. OTOH, I wasn't crazy about the idea of traveling to SE Asia 6 months pregnant, either. (Europe, maybe.)
I ended up going off the pill in June and we started sort of trying--I was charting but not going too crazy about timing sex etc. By August I felt comfortable going ahead and booking our trip, since at that point I figured even if I did get pregnant, it would be early enough that I'd still be travel-friendly. And we went to Thailand and Cambodia in November and had a fantastic time. It took me another year and a half to get pregnant (with medical assistance), so I'm glad I didn't play the what if game too much. We also took a lot of short (within US) trips during that time too.
It's true, you can travel with kids. However, now that my baby is 5 months old, it's become clear that all my limited vacation time from work this year will be going toward trips to see the grandparents, not fun exotic destinations.
PS Going on vacation is not a cure for infertility. Just saying. :)
Posted by: electriclady | June 29, 2007 at 10:09 AM
Just read Helen's comment and I would like to 2nd the "traveling while pregnant" comment.
While pregnant, I've traveled a ton for work and for personal. 1st trimester is a bit of a bear, but early 2nd trimester wasn't an issue at all. Late 2nd trimester and early 3rd trimester it started to get uncomfortable, but wasn't impossible. I went to BlogHer '05 while 30 weeks pregnant, but yeah - that was pushing it with the comfort level.
Posted by: kelli | June 29, 2007 at 10:11 AM
We took our first with us on a 2-week trip to Ireland when he was 26 months old. We left the stroller, took the backpack, and packed him everywhere. At that age, B&Bs didn't charge extra for kids, and people were welcoming and friendly. It did help that he was an easygoing baby who accommodated changes in routine well,and we were not schedule nazis who freaked out if he wasn't sleeping at exactly 7:00pm (Summer on the west coast of Ireland is a bear for getting small poeple to sleep; the sun setting over the western ocean leaves the skly light until nearly 11pm).
If your dream of travelling Europe includes lots of nightclubs and shopping in expensive boutiques, then you probably want to do that before kids. But for us, where what we wanted to do was hike on moors, see ancient ruins and museums, and that kind of thing - it was eminently doable with a baby, and would probalby have been just as doable a year later when his little sister was an infant but he was still packable. Its a *different* kind of travel than some people might dream of, but we had an amazing time.
Posted by: Sara | June 29, 2007 at 10:27 AM
I miss traveling to fun locations, and the reason I haven't done it since we had kids isn't the kids per se - it's the fact that money is tighter (if parents WOH, there's day care; if one parent stays home, there's less income) and scarce time and $$ resources are allocated to visiting family. If you live near your family, and have enough financial resources that you can still afford to have proper vacations once you have kids, go you!
Another thing to think about is that traveling with children is rather different from traveling by yourself. Your two year old is not going to want to spend the whole day in the Uffizi, not will she be likely to cope well with Eurail travel, spending a different night in each city. If that's what you want to do in Europe, you should plan to do it without kids (or with a tiny baby, but I was so so tired with a tiny baby - your tiny baby may vary). If your idea of a great Europe trip is a cottage in the Irish countryside, a rental car, and some day trips with brief museum visits alternating with watching some exciting sheep? Go for it with kids of any age.
Posted by: flea | June 29, 2007 at 10:35 AM
I'd say don't worry too much about travelling with a baby/toddler. I fretted a lot over transatlantic travel with Mio (who was 11 months old at the time). Turns out we had a great trip. YMMV, of course, but as others have said: if you're flexible and take your cues from the child, a lot is possible.
Also, I've been told hat Italy is a great place to travel with a small child!
Posted by: Maria | June 29, 2007 at 10:46 AM
PLEASE tell me someone didn't trot out the "getting pregnant on vacation because you're so relllaaaxxxeedd" bullshit. Please tell me I didn't ACTUALLY see that. Sorry to be haarsh, but really that's a red flag to an infertile.
Relaxing has NOTHING to do with getting pregnant. Nothing. Women are having babies in Darfur, for the love of God.
Oooookkkaaayyy, now that that little rant is over: Make your plans and enjoy them. Start saving for your vacation now, research where you want to go, any maybe it ends up being your last Big Trip and you're hauling your swelling ankles all over London. Or maybe you put it off for a year so you can go with a toddler, or maybe you're not pregnant or have a baby but at least can drink wine and stay out all night. The fertility journey is unpredictable to say the least, and probably my biggest regret is putting off things because "I might be pregnant" which ended up taking two and a half years. You might end up pregnant the first month you try, it might end up being more difficult, or it might be somewhere in the middle (which is where I would guess the vast majority of people fall).
Now, my own story: As I mentioned, we put off a lot of things which would have been fun. Then we were invited to a wedding in Colorado, halfway across the county, where I have been and my husand hadn't. We decided this one we'd actually do, and planned a minivacation around the wedding trip. Two months before we left, we were told by our doctor we had a less thann 1 percent chance of concieveing, started the adoption process, were chosen, and somewhere in there booked the trip (and if this prolactin thing is true I should have been actually lactating from all the damn stress). Also somewhere in there we concieved my beautiful daughter. I was 6-7 weeks pregnant on the trip, and aside from morning sickness kicking in and extreme grumpiness about not being able to drink the delicious microbrews, I am SO GLAD we still went. We haven't been able to afford much of a vacation since, and I'll always treasure the picture of me on top of a mountain all flushed from hiking and pregnancy.
Posted by: AmyinMotown | June 29, 2007 at 11:15 AM
Our big contemplation went like this: After thinking for a short time ourselves, we consulting my doc.
My ob/gyn looked at my age (34) and said,
"I wanted you to start trying yesterday." (She was thinking of troubled times ahead.)
We said, "Ok, then. I guess now it is."
Three months later, I was pregnant and cancelling two dive trips.
(So much for the easy predictors of fertility trouble.)
My advice: take all of the other people's problems as other people's problems. We are individuals despite statistical groupings.
I would take the trip...sooner the better...and not b/c of baby. B/c there are 100 other life events that could side track your trip.
Posted by: CN | June 29, 2007 at 11:16 AM
I'm with your friends. Take the trip now (or when we can afford to). Start trying while you're on the trip if you want.
I don't know, obviously it depends on the kid, but if we'd tried to travel while our Munchkin was little, we'd have had to sell an organ to get there, then had to spend 20 hours a day in the hotel while she was sleeping. She did not sleep unless it was quiet and dark. Period. And yes, I'm including a dark car in the middle of the night with that. If she was overtired, she screamed.
So. You could get Moxie's little sleep-in-the-strollers or you could get my sleeping-through-the-night-at-3-months-but-it-jolly-well-better-be-quiet-and-dark Munchkin. Or something in between. But you certainly can't count on a baby that will just sleep in the backpack while you go on about your business.
An I agree about the fertility stuff. The dramatic drop is at around 35, IIRC, so you've got a little time. I suspect your friends who have had troubles in their late 20s would also have have troubles in their early 20s.
Now if you were turning 40, I might say something different.
Posted by: Jan | June 29, 2007 at 11:26 AM
Book your trip, but get the insurance that lets you cancel if a doc tells you not to go. You can usually travel while pregnant or with a small child, but stuff does come up.
Posted by: Mommyprof | June 29, 2007 at 11:28 AM
There is hardly ever a 'right' time to have a baby, and it's my opinion that it's good to live your life and accept a baby when it comes. Also, there's no guarantee that just because you're over 30 you'll have trouble conceiving; I got pregnant entirely by accident at 32.
Posted by: Maria | June 29, 2007 at 11:39 AM
30 is five years younger than the tipping point for fertility problems. i conceived within a month of trying at age 34 and virtually all of my friends with kids had them between the ages of 33-38! (we're all academics). i'd say let the stress of conceiving go (that in itself could thwart conception) and travel when you can afford to do so. as for travelling with little ones, it all depends on your family unit. you'll find that in the end the best strategy to a particular issue -- be it sleeping problems, feeding issues, and travelling styles -- will come down to what 'works best' for you and yours. best of luck to you!
Posted by: lysa | June 29, 2007 at 11:46 AM
This is a very timely subject for us as we plan a family trip to Italy next fall when our daughter will be two. I have been to Europe several times before and think of it this way: Much like rereading a book can reveal new insights to your older, more experienced self, visiting foreign places can be a wonderful yet different experience with your child(ren). You rethink lots of things, and come to appreciate it in a different way. Though I'm just in the planning stages, I'm already so excited about taking our little girl with us. I've been hanging out at www.slowtrav.com, a website dedicated to "slow travel" enthusiasts who advocate spending more days in fewer cities to really soak up the local vibe (and staying in an apartment or villa which can be even cheaper than a hotel, especially when going with family), a philosophy that also happens to jive perfectly with kids. Just reading the forums, you understand that these people don't enjoy their vacations any less...probably more! So don't base your decision to have children on whether or not you can travel with them. I personally think life's too short to put off either traveling or kids (even though I waited until 34 to have mine...in some ways I wish I'd done it sooner).
Posted by: Rachel | June 29, 2007 at 11:55 AM
My story: My husband gave me a trip to Europe for my 30th birthday (in June, we were going to go for Christmas). Five days later he was riding his bike and was hit by a car and it terrified me to the very core of my being, as well as made me realize that life is really freaking short and hey, let's have a baby. I, too, was nervous that I was going to have problems getting pregnant (let's just say I haven't been the most precautious person in the world in regard to birth control), but bam! Next month I was puking my brains out. Conceivably, and certainly in retrospect, we still could have/ should have made that Europe trip, but we also were in the midst of moving and I was a little nervous first-time pregnant and all. However, all being said and done, it worked out just fine and we are planning that Europe trip for before #2, either with or without the toddler. Europe isn't going anywhere. Do both!
Posted by: Nicole | June 29, 2007 at 12:07 PM
We traveled extensively while I was pregnant and had a great time. People were extra friendly to me wherever we went. I wasn't sick at all, but I was tired a lot, which made traveling just fine, because we slowed down the pace, I lounged in the hotel bed more. It's also pretty fun to "try" in exotic locales. For us, after years of unsuccessful "trying" a nice long vacation worked.
Posted by: wendy | June 29, 2007 at 12:21 PM
Another vote for both! ...and you know, the first part of "trying" is really "have lots of sex at the times of your cycle when you really feel like having lots of sex"--so why not just enjoy that for a few months and then worry about all the pressure, timing, treatments, etc. if need be?
An interesting note from my mom, who's a retired OB/infertility doc: she said we define infertility in terms of not conceiving in a relatively short period of time (6 mos to a year) but in fact the vast majority of couples (not all of course) would conceive without assistance given a span of 5-10 years. Many couples don't have that kind of time to wait, so obviously there's nothing wrong with getting help after 6 months...but the fact of so many of your friends ending up in infertility treatments may be related to the short timeframe we use to look at these things. By which I guess I mean to say, if you're only 30--give yourself a little time to think of it as a romance thing, rather than a medical thing, if you can. The medical approach, even the mild version I underwent (2 years "trying", lots of charting and tests for both of us, no treatments because just as we were understanding the problem and deciding what to do, I spontaneously got pregnant) is pretty wearing.
On traveling, I think there's a period when kids are really hard to travel with, and it's basically the new mobility/major tantrum period. I've never been so tired as after a trip to Seattle (short trip from here) with a 15 month old new walker--she wasn't sleeping, was nursing like a fiend, and would NOT be confined to a backpack, a stroller, or an airplane seat. Post 2 1/2, I was surprised by how easy it was to take Mouse on a cross-country trip to Charleston. Totally contemplating tropics or Europe for next year. So...your travels aren't over.
...and one more note, San Francisco is awesome but summer here is 2nd half of August to late October, so come then if you want to see the sun. :) (I am currently writing from a fogbank that may or may not lift today.)
Posted by: Charisse | June 29, 2007 at 12:53 PM
I too have done both--Europe pre-kid and two trips with toddler in tow. They were different. In some ways, it was actually more relaxing to travel with my son. Yes, the planning/packing/checking all that luggage was more hectic, but once we were there, it was fine. We spent a lot of time just wandering/exploring, slowly, at his pace, and we saw so much we would've missed otherwise.
Something to consider, also, is renting a furnished apartment. We did it in Dublin for 10 days, in northern Sweden for 2 weeks, and in Belfast for 2 weeks, so pretty short-term. It was so nice--they provided a crib and a high chair, and we had a kitchen, living room, and bedroom. It wasn't any more expensive than a hotel room, and we could buy food for meals and snacks since we had a place to keep and prepare it. And it was really nice being able to chat in the living room during naptime or after we'd put our son to bed. And, all 3 places had washing machines, which was a godsend.
Have fun, whatever you decide!
Posted by: Maria | June 29, 2007 at 01:20 PM
Ditto, the you can't predict how long it will take to get pregnant.
The stick turned blue the first month of trying and I was 39. Uneventful pregnancy, perfect baby girl.
We havent done any air travel yet, but have done the road trips out of state to visit relatives. Had a blast.
We take the bear everywhere we go. She loves to eat at restaurants and behaves nicely. 2 years old now. Museums, galleries, theme parks, all fun. Just remember they have shorter attention spans and need to nap and eat a lot. Many times a box of raisins has prevented a melt down!
I guess, since she has always been "on the go" she is used to it.
Orlando is fun and kid friendly. Just dont go in the summer.
Have fun !
Posted by: Tracy | June 29, 2007 at 01:32 PM
I deal with this kind of situation (should I plan X trip because I might be pregnant at the time?) fairly frequently. Case in point: a friend of mine is getting married in Hawaii next spring. We're TTC #2, and if the timing is bad I could end up 9 months pregnant at the time of the wedding. Or, I could be 7 months pregnant, or less, or not pregnant at all, and in any of those latter cases I'd still go. Oh! And we have a toddler girl, who might or might not come with us.
Travel with babies/children is totally possible, and can even be really fun. It will not be exactly the same as pre-baby travel, and it won't be as relaxing or as uninhibited. A couple of months' delay will probably not direly affect your babymaking plans, if an uninhibited vacation is really important to you.
Final note: if you hadn't gathered this by now, everyone's fertility is different. Charting is a great tool, but it's not a guaranteed ticket to pregnancy: I charted for 7 months, all of them perfect fertile-looking cycles, before we conceived my daughter; also, stress has never affected my ovulation patterns (even pretty severe stress). My one recommendation for TTC -- and I say this as a huge control freak -- is to not get too tied up in knots about trying to control *every* aspect of your fertility (as if you could, because there's also the man's fertility to consider). It'll just make you crazy, and who needs that. Whatever you decide to do, embrace what life sends your way and enjoy the ride!
Posted by: Sarah | June 29, 2007 at 02:15 PM
I delayed trying to get pregnant for the first time for a few months so I could go o vacation to Mexico and not have to worry about morning sickness or missing tequila, and subsequently had much more trouble getting pregnant than I had ever imagined.
I know those few months didn't truly make a difference, but I kicked myself for the entire 2.5 years it took me to get pregnant for having delayed for even one moment.
Posted by: BrooklynGirl | June 29, 2007 at 02:39 PM
sarah, i had to read your question again after i read all the great comments. i'm uncertain as to when exactly you want to go to europe, but if it's within the next year or so, i would agree w/the pp's who say stop "not trying" during your vacation. first, it will add to the fun of the trip (all the 'what ifs', the dreaming, etc) and yet you don't have to not indulge on great wines/beer/cheeses etc. in europe b/c your pregnant/nursing/whatever.
i also would recommend you to take a step back and assess how your personality may influence your parenting, because that will also be a huge factor in deciding whether or not a big trip like that with an infant/toddler will be enjoyable for you or just be the worst thing imaginable. also factor in that you never know what your child's temperament/personality will be either, or how they will interact. i'm not super laid back (and, shockingly enough, neither is my kid) and i know that travelling to europe with her at any of the stages we've been through so far would have been awful for me. i picture europe as something my husband and i do together in 10 years or so when the kids are in camp or at camp grandma. don't rule that out either- that you leave your kid with grandma (or auntie, etc.) for a long weekend (or week, depending on how old) while you getaway. i know it's hard to imagine with one kid, but my sister has 3 and would love a week away from those guys to recharge once a year or so.
re: fertility. you really aren't going to know until you get stared. we were nervous about infertility (who isn't these days) and decided to "try" like crazy until i had a panic attack picturing us actually having a child. then we stopped trying and just stopped "not trying". that's when we got pregnant. so i would say for some people infertility is completely physical, some is psychosomatic, and many fall somewhere inbetween. and you aren't your friends, and really, 30 isn't considered the start of natural significant drop in fertility. why not assume that your fertility is normal until given a reason otherwise and save yourself the stress.
finally, my husband took me to punta cana for my 30th for a long weekend- we left pnut with my sister and her kids and pets and cable tv and every junk food imaginable for her own vacation. i missed my kid but it was so good for our marriage to be *alone and relax* and really, she wouldn't have known the difference at that age if we had brought her to the moon. if she was 5 or 6 i would have considered bringing her (PC is a great kid-friendly place, btw) but until then, she's not going to remember it and will have way more fun with a gang of cousins in their pool. and i am a SAHM so don't think it was easy for me to be apart from her, but to be apart from her was definitely what i needed at the same time. just a few things that came into my head when i re-read your question- good luck and enjoy.
Posted by: pnuts mama | June 29, 2007 at 02:39 PM
Personally, I think the best way to NOT get yourself pregnant is to put it off because of X, Y or Z. Then it's almost like daring fate.
With my son, we were planning a trip to southeast Asia in November 2005. We started trying in February, and I got pregnant in May. We were going to still make the trip, but had to postpone due to high-risk, bedrest, cerclage pregnancy. Bummer.
This year, we were planning a trip to France in October. Figured it might take a couple months to get pregnant. Yet again, started trying in Feb and got pregnant in May. We won't be going to France, as will be high risk again.
But we couldn't NOT plan the trips, because what if I didn't get pregnant? Then I'm pissed because I am not pregnant and pissed because I could have gone to France!
I say go. Even if you are pregnant, you'll still be able to travel.
Posted by: Sprengblingbling | June 29, 2007 at 02:57 PM
We really wanted to go to Spain. We really wanted to have a baby. We had the baby. I reeallly wish we'd have gone to Spain AND gotten pregnant there! Money is too tight for a trip, now - and if we have the money to go somewhere, family and friends in the U.S. are first on the priority list. Short story - try to get pregnant on your trip!
Posted by: Amy | June 29, 2007 at 03:03 PM
We traveled a ton with our daughter during her first year - Northern California, Colorado, Washington DC, New York City, Chicago, Montreal, Quebec and some shorter weekend trips as well. She did wonderfully, whether by train, plane or car. I will echo what an earlier poster said and say that it got much more difficult to travel with her after she started walking, because she was no longer content to sit for long periods of time and she wasn't really old enough to reason with. After she turned two and became more verbal, traveling with her got much easier again. The big downside to traveling with a little one is that you won't have any nights out on the town. It was a little odd being in New York and returning to our hotel room by 9 p.m. every night. But it was an easy enough trade off, we just got an early start and kept moving ALL day, so that we were as tired as she was by the end of the day.
That said, we celebrated our 10th anniversary when my daughter was three. We'd always regretted not having done a big European trip before she was born. My husband's mom, whom my daughter adores, lives out of state and visits a few times a year. She came to visit for a week about two weeks prior to our trip and spent a lot of one on one time with our daughter and we all talked about how she'd be going to stay with Grandma. Then for a week after Grandma left, our daughter would ask if "today" was the day we'd fly on an airplane to see Grandma. She was very excited about the trip. At the end of the week, the three of us flew to Chicago and my husband and I spent a couple of days getting my daughter settled in at Grandma's house. She honestly couldn't wait for us to leave because she was so excited about having "a sleepover with Grandma without Mommy and Daddy." I actually cried all the way to the airport since I'd never been away from her overnight before, but my daughter was absolutely fine (I'm sure all of the relatives taking turns spoiling her helped with that!) We spent five days in Amsterdam and called our daughter once a day. She rarely wanted to talk on the phone for more than a minute or two because she was having too much fun without us! We had a wonderful trip (and enjoyed being able to stay out as late as we wanted.) So there is a third option if you have a relative who wouldn't mind babysitting - you can have kids and travel without them every once in awhile.
I also have friends who have brought the grandparents along on trips with them and their children, and the grandparents have been nice enough to babysit for a couple of evenings.
It will all work out. You can still travel, even if there is a child in the picture. :-)
Posted by: Stephanie | June 29, 2007 at 05:28 PM
AmyInMotown:
I'm so sorry you had to deal with infertility and all of the harrowing effects that go along with that particular journey. I certainly know that, when actual infertility comes into play, all advice to "just relax" goes right out the window. Having had to go through IVF to get pregnant with my son, I can certainly relate to that. It sucks. I myself certainly wouldn't be a candidate for "just going on vacation."
That being said, I think in this case, infertility has not become an issue yet and as such, the less stress Sarah puts herself under, the better. Because: I think that our psyche affects the way our bodies function in a myriad of ways - some that have been proven without a shadow of a doubt (like the connection between stress and heart disease or stomach ulcers), and some that are just speculation.
I have no website or article to back up what I claimed; my assertation is based on the fact that all of the OBGYNs and specialists that I saw referred to this hormonal phenomenon, so I kind of assumed it was true - but I have no literature, so who knows (disclaimer, disclaimer :)).
In any case, I think that for MANY women who start out the whole "trying to get pregnant" process by charting, controlling and checking, it really IS important to remember to continue living your life and doing things you enjoy. These days, we are used to being able to control a lot of what happens to us, including when and how we get pregnant, and it is often disappointing to find out that even with a perfect cycle, you can't force a pregnancy.
I know it was crucial to me to take breaks from it all; even if none of my vacations got me pregnant, they reminded me that there were good things to be had dispite that fact. So for someone who is somewhat worried before even trying, I think the adage "just go on vacation and have as much sex as you want" is actually sound advice, whether the physiology/hormone thing is true or not.
Had to get that off my chest. I don't want anyone who went through infertility to think I am glib about it.
(Blythe: Another Germanite! I tried to email you, went to your blog and everything, but couldn't find an email under "contact" - am I an idiot? Where to look?)
Posted by: Emily | June 30, 2007 at 06:36 AM
Don't wait to try, get on the ball (ha) right away. I live in Germany, and I heartily recommend it as a place to go with small children. There is SO much to do all over the country, and it is quite possibly the most family/child friendly environment I have ever run across. Example: There is a play structure in my favorite local beer garden, i shit you not. I live in Bavaria, btw, which is a lovely, warm area to visit, with many attractions. I travelled with my daughter at 10 months and 4 years of age, overseas, and both had their ups and downs, but it was all manageable. What saved me with the 10 month old was a fantastic hip carrier from Rocking Walk Farm; she even slept in it for hours, and it was very cushy and did not kill my back. I think that is all the advice i have, lol.
Posted by: lydia | July 01, 2007 at 05:17 AM
We love to travel and had significant fertility issues, and wrestled with these questions ourselves. One of the best things we did in the midst of infertility treatments was a two-week trip to France. At the time, it was a wonderful distraction from the hell of infertility; now, we cherish the memories of the pace of that kid-free vacation.
We still travel a lot with our son, but European trips (with the long flights & jet lag) are considerably more daunting with him in tow. We've found travel with our son to still be fun (and in some ways even better, as you see things through his eyes), but it's definitely a different pace than when you travel just the two of you, and I think there's a lot to be said for an adults-only European vacation.
I think the others' ideas about starting to try while planning a Euro vacation in the near future are good ones. Hopefully, you'll conceive quickly right around the time of your trip! Best of luck on both fronts.
Posted by: Jen | July 02, 2007 at 10:00 AM
I, too, vote for getting pregnant on vacation. If you're struggling to swing it in that time frame, remember that vacations overseas don't have to be Big Expensive Deals - you can have great trips on a not-so-great budget, especially if you know people! That's huge. I'd vote against getting pregnant right before your trip because I spent most of a trans-Pacific flight staring into an airplane toilet bowl courtesy of "morning" sickness. Yuck. Most of that trip was pretty great anyway, though.
Germany girls and whomever else has dealt with baby jet lag, I'd love it if you'd leave a comment on my blog! We'll be doing Japan-US with a six-month-old next month and I'm more than a little nervous about it. :)
Posted by: Meika | July 03, 2007 at 09:06 AM
I think Sarah may be talking about a longer holiday than just a few week tour, and even if that's the case I would go with the consensus and say try both for baby and for Eurotrip. Except that I would still probably do the Eurotrip even if pregnant.
In fact, we waited until our year-long Big Trip Abroad to the UK (husband working, me studying) to try to get pregnant, with only "not wanting to be in the first trimester for final exams" operating as a timing consideration. As it happened, I needn't have worried as I didn't have morning sickness, and that isn't as rare as you might think - it's just that no-one ever complains about NOT having morning sickness!
Which brings me to my next point. It simply isn't true that pregnant women can only travel while in the second trimester. We did trips to the Netherlands at 6 weeks and Iceland at 10 weeks with no ill effects, other than my occasional need to pass out for an hour or two, and needing lots of snacks, both usually easily accommodated. You may not be able to manage a breakneck guided tour or go deep-sea diving but short of that there's no reason to assume that you'll have trouble travelling at any time in pregnancy (short of the 32 week or thereabouts no fly mark of course, but that's based on airlines, not maternal health). In the unlikely event that symptoms of pregnancy proved incapacitating or that complications arose, decent travel insurance should take care of that without risking your holiday investment, provided of course prenatal care isn't excluded (always worth checking).
Posted by: Loz | July 04, 2007 at 11:03 AM
Thanks so much for all the helpful advice. I think I need to relax in a big way. What will be will be, right?
Thanks again!!
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