Q&A: "Are you breastfeeding?"

Joe writes:

"Give me a break!  Recently I was criticized for asking a neighbor at a party if she was breastfeeding.  The criticizer said, “Your wife can ask that question but you as a man cannot.”.  I say that’s a lot of BS.  In an age where businesses provide for mothers to breastfeed and the topic is not as personal as, “Have you started making love with your husband since your baby was born?”, it seems to me that we’re making too much over the natural act of breastfeeding.  When is it OK for my wife to ask and not me?  Is there a similar question that would be OK for me to ask a male neighbor but inappropriate for my wife to ask?  I’d be interested in your answer and a reference to a “well-known” etiquette book where such a question is covered.  Thank you."

I really doubt that any etiquette book will ever cover asking about breastfeeding. The purpose of etiquette is to establish rules so things can become not-personal that otherwise could hurt people's feelings (for example, who gets introduced to whom first, who sits next to whom at a dinner party, etc.). When it comes to something that has to do with other people's bodies in such an intimate manner, I think it'll be nearly impossible to come to some kind of hard and fast rule about what's acceptable and what's not.

It seems to me that there are three major ways a person could think about asking "Are you breastfeeding?" All of them are valid, which is the problem.

Camp 1: It's a natural thing, part of having a baby, so it's not a truly "personal" question. No one should feel bad about asking, male or female, and no one should feel insulted by being asked.

Camp 2: It's a totally personal decision and is about both a womans body and her autonomy, so no one should ask. It's none of anyone else's business, and being asked is demeaning and offensive.

Camp 3: It depends on why the person is asking. Satisfying idle curiosity or proselytizing are not valid reasons for asking if someone else is breastfeeding, but commiseration or exchange of information are. Thus, unless you have a follow-up ready (such as, "Because I feel like my supply drops at the beginning of each menstrual period and I was wondering if you have the same problem") you really shouldn't ask. But if someone asks you shouldn't feel uncomfortable.

Basically, unless you have a real reason for asking, you're inviting trouble by asking someone you're not super-best friends with. It doesn't matter if you think its not personal, because if the questionee does, they're going to be offended. (And so many women are the victims of judgment and criticism from so many angles that they just don't want one more person asking them something that opens them up to attack.)

The alternative is to figure out what you really want to know (assuming you're not just curious, in which case you can just MYOB) and ask that in a different way. If you want to share a nursing story, just share it. If you have a question, put forth the question and say, "I don't know if you're nursing or have had this problem, but we're looking for other opinions." If you just want to say, "I'm so glad my wife is breastfeeding," then go ahead and say that!

Readers, what do you think?

Comments

[Megan]

A year ago, I was at a party and was talking to an acquaintance whom had just had a baby. I asked the father, "How's the nursing going?", and he looked a bit uncomfortable and then said, "Fine." I took this to mean that either he didn't think I should have asked or they weren't nursing. (The infant was about a week old, so I thought it was safe to think that they were at least trying to nurse.)

After that, I didn't ask that question, but rather said to my friends who were pregnant (and whom all know how pro-nursing I am), "Just wanted to let you know that if you have any questions at all about nursing, let me know. It's definitely a steep learning curve, but so worth it if you want to do it."

I agree that nursing should be a natural thing (and I feel comfortable nursing anywhere), but I'm sensitive to not standing up on my soapbox about it (note: this is VERY hard for me not to do, as nursing has been such a lifesaver for myself and my high-needs son). So I dance in, offer my assistance, and then dance back out.

[Megan]

And on the flip side, I've been asked "Are you still nursing??" so many times from my boss (who had trouble nursing her daughter and likes to talk about how fabulous formula is) beginning when my son was around 3 months old (!) that I'm sensitive to judgements from other people who think nursing is weird, inappropriate or just gross. I usually just say, "Yeah, isn't it great?!" :o)

[juliag]

Liza's response could've been my own (except we dread the "how's the baby sleeping question" more than any other!).

I'm always happy to chat about anything baby related at a party--and I probably would've rambled on about the various aspects of breastfeeding if asked such a question. I guess I might've taken note of it, since most men don't tend to ask about it, but it wouldn't have offended me in the least.

Of course, everyone knows that I'm still breastfeeding since my boobs are still huge compared to pre-pregnancy. No one even has to ask :)

[Portland]

I live in a city where the majority of women breastfeed (apparently, the #1 breastfeeding city in the country). I wanted desperately to breastfeed, but it didn't work out. The pressure to breastfeed, and the ferocious opposition to formula, is intense. I actually refused to go anywhere public with my baby for longer than an hour for six months, because I was so afraid of getting a lecture or a glare or a snicker from breastfeeding activists -- even though I am VERY pro breastfeeding myself! I know I need to get a stronger spine, and not care as much what people think, but it was just exhausting to think that I might have to go into the long story about why formula ended up in that bottle. Many times, I started my explanations and was cut off with, "Didn't you hire a lactation consultant?" or "You must not be getting the right latch" or "Are you taking herbs/medication?" or "Did you know that corn syrup is a main ingredient in formula?" or even, "It's too bad you gave up on it, it really is better for the baby."

So to have that question aimed at me - by a woman or man I don't know very well - in any setting ... no way. It's a very personal process. Acceptance, support, laws for public breastfeeding, I'm all for it! Yay, breastmilk! But like it or not, this subject is a risky one for initial, ice-breaking conversation - like religion and politics. I wouldn't start a party conversation with,"So, are you voting democrat?"

[Shelley]

I'm super-supportive of breastfeeding and would have killed to have been able to succeed at it myself. So yeah, a question like this would be hard for me -- I did get a few questions like this, and felt compelled to explain the whole sorry saga (NICU stay etc.), but leaving out further details like my inverted nipples and how long I pumped. At that point I was my own worst critic -- I felt I'd failed my daughter, and the last thing I needed was to be put on the defensive, regardless of whether that was the intention.

I don't think there's any difference between men or women asking -- and I think it's fine to bring it up in one of the sort of oblique way Moxie and other commenters mention -- in no way do I think breastfeeding is or should be a taboo subject.

However, the direct question "are you breastfeeding" is a bit along the lines of "why haven't you two had a baby yet?" or "when are you going to have a second?" It's a wee bit nosy, but more importantly, if the couple is struggling to conceive or has suffered one or more losses, there may be a lot of pain behind the answer. And yeah, why DO you ask?

[Kristin]

Interesting question. I do think it depends on the asker and the circumstances. A few months ago, a male colleague asked me if I was still nursing my son. I explained that (at the time) I was, a little bit. I didn't bother with the "why do you ask?" response (although I agree that it's wonderful if you find yourself thrown off balance by a personal question) because the question didn't bother me coming from this man. I read it as part of his general interest in how things were going, what it was like for me to be back at work, etc. Part of me, inwardly, was a bit surprised, but I also kind of liked the fact that he thought to ask: it suggested to me that he was trying to be at least a little ware of what this all might be like. On balance, I found that I kind of appreciated it.