Q&A: picking up your toddler too much

A reader writes:

"I didn't see this one addressed in the archive. I'd be very interested in opinions of picking up your toddler or baby too much. I have a 15 month old son and am often being told by my husband that I am picking him up too much.  He is in a real needy stage. He will hold my legs and cry or whine, when we are  at the park he wants to hold my hand while he walks- i usually try to encourage him to walk alone. He is also a screamer- this has been going on since he was 8 or 9 months old and he does it for glee or frustration- but seems to freak out a lot of people. I personally feel like he is going through some real independence issues and needs to work through them- ie. he weaned about a month ago, and just learned how to walk alone about a week and a half ago. Also- is this different for stay at home moms? Which I am.

So I guess when is it too much?

Signed,
I feel like people have been telling me not to pick him up too much since he was born."

You answered your own question: He's in a real needy stage. If he needs something, you're helping him to grow and develop by giving it to him*. If he gets what he needs emotionally, he'll go through this stage and move on to the next one. If he doesn't get it, this stage won't be resolved.

What's the absolute worst thing that could happen if you pick up your kid whenever s/he wants to be picked up? You end up with a kid who's accustomed to being picked up. (Some people say that's a bad thing. I think there are far worse things than having a child who's comfortable with physical touch and used to asking for what they need.) But for how long ("for...how...long?") will you have to keep picking your kid up if you get them "hooked"? All kids are different, of course, but most kids do go through extreme independent stages when they want to do everything themselves and wouldn't let you pick them up for love or money. Your 5-year-old will not want to be picked up (trust me) unless he's really sick. I'm sure there are 3-year-olds who like to be carried, but I don't see a lot of them (most of the 3-year-olds I see are too busy running away quickly or trying to boss their parents around).

A separate issue is whether you can stand to pick up your child much anymore or not. There are stages in which it sometimes makes you want to jump out of your skin to have to pick him up one more time. Kids can really suck you dry emotionally and physically. But that's a separate issue. Just because you don't want to pick your child up doesn't mean it's not good for your child to be picked up.

And just because it's good for your child to be picked up doesn't mean that you can stand to do it right now! A big part of your job is teaching your child to live with other human beings in the world, and to learn balance and boundaries. At the beginning you're as gentle and loving and giving as you can be (or past what you can really be), because a baby has to learn trust before learning anything else. But once the toddler years hit it's really about the dance of balancing needs, respecting and caring for your child with love while also showing your child by example to respect you and care for you.

Saying "no" because you just can't do it isn't going to hurt your child if you can say it with love and respect. But don't let anyone con you into thinking that withholding just for the sake of withholding is helping anyone. A kid who's clingy needs more connection to feel comfortable enough to venture out. Some of it is personality and some of it is stages of development and some of it is the weather and some of it is totally random.

Now, if someone's telling you not to pick up your child, your easiest bet is just to use the path of least resistance. Listen to them, say thoughtfully, "That's an interesting idea. I'll think about that." And then do whatever you want to do. Because you're the mom and it's your child.

Hang in there. This half-mobile stage is hard. A this time next year you'll be in a completely different place emotionally.

(Here's a past post about the screaming. My ears are ringing just thinking about it.)

* Note the difference between a toddler needing to be picked up and cuddled and a teenager "needing" a new Playstation.

Comments

[Kate]

Here are my opinions:

1. You cannot hold a baby too much.
2. 15 months (I have a 14 month old and a 3 year old) is still a baby. Even if walking. Even if weaned. Still.a.baby.

This need for connection, from what I've seen, changes as the baby-toddler-preschooler-kid arc progresses, but it never goes away. My daughter, who now tells me to "Go, goodbye," at preschool dropoff, when she feels slighted says, "Pick me up and hug me and kiss me." Always at the most inconvenient times. And usually when I have said no to something she wants or told her to wait. Especially if I yell at her in the process.

And for the most part I think I've done a pretty good job meeting her emotional needs over the past 3 years.

Too much is when you cannot stand one more second. Too much is when you cannot eat more than two bites of food in a row. Too much is if you can't sleep because your baby insists on touching you--and only you--while he's sleeping and you need your space. (I've been all of those places.)

As Moxie said, you might have to experiment and find a balance that is liveable for both of you. And if any part of it seems unconventional...well, it doesn't really matter if it works for you guys.

[Jane Plane]

At 15 months it strikes me that a toddler is only not called a baby, because he or she can actually toddle. There is still so much baby left!

If it's not physically hurting you to carry your "toddler" around (I know some of them can get very big by that age, luckily for me my boys were still very peanut-sized between ages 1 and 2), you can be polite to extended family and rude to strangers about what they decide to tell you about picking him up, and go ahead and listen to his needs, and yours.

I would suggest, with your husband, however, having a conversation so you can understand where he's coming from, and so that he can hear you, too. I don't agree that, as Moxie seemed to indicate, that *you* are the only expert. Your husband has a perspective, too, that needs to be heard and respected.

[KAMI]

My response to just about any 'advice' about what I should be allowing or discouraging is simple - 'are you worried that she'll still do xyz when she's 20?' It is not my goal to raise the perfect baby/toddler, adored by all, but to raise a well-adjusted, confident, happy adult. The battles I choose to fight as we get there gain a lot of perspective when I think about the impact on the adult of saying no to the child. If the point of saying no to lifting is to teach patience or respect for your own need for personal space, or something valuable to the adult, then great. Otherwise, what's the harm?

[Melissa]

Wow, Moxie; wow.

Great post. I am an introvert with my first child (10 months old) and the permission you have given me to be who I am when she hits that stage by thinking about teaching balance and boundaries is phenomenal.

Oh, and to the questioner: you can't pick up a baby too much. Each child in his or her own time will let you know when they are ready to move away from you. Hold onto what Moxie pointed out that, if your child doesn't get what he needs to move to the next stage, then it's just going to delay it. A great way to think of it in terms of development that has had lots of clinical research is the push to let babies have "tummy time" because children sleep on their backs. If a child doesn't get this time, developmentally they slow down when they can move beyond the stage that develops those skills.
You are helping your son move beyond the stage of being an extension of you to being just him self. It's scary for children to do that because it is an entirely new identity, and they'll do it in ebs and flows, which means from time to time he'll need to be held.
As for your husband, agree to disagree and confirm with each other that you won't undermine each other's parenting authority in front of your son. My parents did it all the time when I was growing up and by the time I was a teenager I knew exactly how to pit them against each other and get what I wanted.

[Charisse]

I agree that sounds completely normal for 15 months...and for any rough (fussy, teething, new skills?) stage...and as he gets more independent and faster, you may really want to encourage that handholding--walking down the street with 3 bags of junk and a 20-month-old who won't hold hands is a panic attack waiting to happen.

Now if you're talking distances, it does get tough. I started commuting with my daughter when she was 18 months, and we have a 4 block (long & hilly blocks) walk to/from our trainstop. She was only (ha) 24ish pounds at the beginning, but that was more than I could carry in cuddle mode for that far. We did 2 things: found the easiest way to carry for when she really needed it--which for us was on my shoulders--and started playing all kinds of sidewalk games to keep her walking.

Can you see a tree? Where's the next tree? Let's run to it! Hey, there's a circle in the sidewalk--can you find another circle? Marching songs, etc. I think when this was discussed on Parent Hacks, Hedra mentioned over there that her family looks for elephants in the bushes. Be creative and make walking fun and you'll definitely get more of it...but keep ahold of that little hand if you can.

Oh, and said child is now 3 and pretty much only needs carrying if there's an owie in question. This will pass.

[hedra]

I know that a lot of dads react from unexamined belief systems (such as 'kids need to be independent, moms don't teach them that') that were learned from who-knows-where. They do, however, respond to research and reality checks. He may have a concern, and I agree that concern is worth checking in about (he may be mistaken, but I agree that he needs to be addressed with respect). I have seen NO research indicating that a child under 3 needs to be touched less than they request/demand. This isn't to say that they MUST be touched that much, but being carried, cuddled, hugged, etc., is not in ANY way a problem for their development.

Keep in mind that most parents (me included) tend to assign an older age in function to the current age in fact. So we think the child is more able than they are, more advanced than they are, more independent, more rational, etc. The dad may be doing this. The 'Your X-Year Old' books and the Positive Discipline series are good resources for what cognition and emotional maturity is actually reasonable at different ages. Check some of those out, and leave them in the bathroom for him to read (with stickie flags in the right spots, and other reading materials removed... yeah, they'll read anything in the bathroom, LOL!)

The other thing I think I explained to my DH (long time ago, maybe it was to other friends) is that growth is not a constant onward-and-upwards proposition. It is running headlong into the new, then backtracking hard to younger behaviors, then racing ahead, then back. Just exactly the way they behave in a new situation, really - they seem 'stuck to you' at first (seeming to stick at a level of development for a bit), then they move a little out, and come back, then a LOT out, and come back. Then MORE out, and come back less. Then they're gone for a while, and when they come back, they're stuck like glue again for a bit. Social, emotional, and cognitive development seem to me to be very much the same pattern. It can be very frustrating when a toddler goes all 'baby' on you again, especially when you just got used to the idea that they were 'older' and more 'grownup'... and everyone (dads, grandparent, mom, too) may get an uncomfortable feeling that somehow the 'backslide' part was caused by something we've done, or that the other parent did, or that the care provider did, etc., etc. But that's not so - it is just normal.

So yes, I agree, you can't pick up your kids too much. Can't cuddle them too much. I'm not very demonstrative at my normal baseline (even as a kid, both parents note that I wasn't very cuddly). But I've had to get used to it, because my kids demand it (all but one seem to have inherited their dad's more tactile function - even the oldest likes to be picked up now and then, and he's almost 10! And yes, we have one of the odd almost-6-year-olds who still wants uppies on a very regular basis... fortunately he's a bit on the smaller side for his age!). We teach the rules about that kind of demonstrative contact - asking about timing, telling people what you want/need, being willing to wait for the appropriate time, etc. We start that around 16 months, stopping again for the emotional backslides at 18 and 20-22 months, and carrying on from there. It falls under 'teaching manners/respect'. And responding to them when they ask for uppies is not unsafe (provided they act safely when up), not disrespectful (provided they can work around timing and appropriate-to-situation stuff), and is certainly kind. So, :shrug: I still give them uppies if they ask, and the timing is appropriate.

If it helps, you can tell your DH that kids whose needs are responded to at home are often reported by *parents* as being more clingy or needing more help (for things like bedtime, etc.), BUT, these same kids are reported by other caregivers, teachers, and trained observers/researchers to be extremely self-confident, assertive, and self-contained (not needing a lot of peer approval) when away from the parents. If given a choice, I'd rather they be a pain with me than with everyone else in their lives, and I'd rather they be confident and assertive at school than at home.

Likewise, kids who are still 'securely attached' to their caregivers (which includes being willing to demand that their needs be met) in the preschool years exhibit better problem-solving skills, seek help less often when faced with moderately to significantly challenging events (that is, they try themselves before they decide they need help) and then only seek help in ways that target their development (that is, they ask for assistance only for the part that they don't know/can't do), and are less prone to negative self-talk ('this is too hard for me, I can't do it'). (there's a good article with a review of the research on attachment in general here: http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qa3749/is_200210/ai_n9107106 )

While how often you pick up your child as a toddler is unlikely to have much impact on their attachment security, picking them up more will also not hurt it. Picking them up 'too much' would be like 'responding too much' - it isn't interference if you're responding to their request. If your DH is hoping for a confident, assertive, independent child, the best thing he can do is support the emotional/social attachment he has with you and with dad, too.

The only way, IMHO, that you can pick up a child 'too much' is if they are not asking/wanting to be picked up and you do so anyway, on a consistant and ongoing basis. I've only seen one child who was treated this way, and he'd definitely developed a passive response to his world - he wasn't clingy, or explorative, but was instead kind of not really 'there'. The few times I saw him engage in exploration on his own (in totally safe conditions, like examining the texture of a really clean carpet), the mom snatched him up - and he shut down rather than resisting (it made me uncomfortable to watch it). THAT might be picking up 'too much' (but even then, I can only say it had the appearance of being too much - he may have had a developmental disorder that I wasn't picking up on) - but if they're asking to be picked up, the options aren't 'pick up too much' vs. 'pick up too little', they're 'respond' or 'not respond' - you can respond by picking up, respond by respectfully addressing why you cannot pick up right now, find another way to meet the expressed need (might be overtired or need a snack, etc.), or you can ignore (not respond). As long as you're responding respectfully, you're in the right side of the equation, IMHO. Once you're on that side of the equation, it IMHO matters a lot less how MUCH you pick up, provided the underlying needs are met. You're already engaged and responding, and that's the main thing.

By the way, backpacks are a good thing at this age, if you can manage it. Sometimes they just need to be UP, and with a backpack, they can be, without it killing everything else you need to do...

[hedra]

(amend that first paragraph to 'ANY child' not just children under 3 - phrasing was just because the 'research range' on touch tends to be clumped by age, and the ones I've read on touch tend to be 3 and unders...)

[anna]

Moxie, thank you so much! I have an almost-15 month old, who's now become very clingy and very shy around strangers. He wants to be held, carried, and snuggled *constantly* (mostly by his Dad, actually: my husband is the go-to hugger these days.)

Our instincts were that this is either a stage or his temperament, so we've been carrying him when he wants us to. But here's the thing: he usually wants to be carried if he's someplace unfamiliar or where there are strangers--but also on *grass,* specifically. Doesn't want to walk on it, touch it, etc. We're thinking it's just scratchy and doesn't feel good, but any ideas?

[Fahmi]

our almost-17 month old went from very independent to clingy and begging to be held all the time. At 30 pounds, he is heavy, but we figured he is in the needy stage and will go back to rushing away from us soon enough.

[hedra]

Anna, that's a classic sensory-integration issue. He may be tactile hypersensitive. Check out 'the highly sensitive child' or 'sensational kids' (books), and if they ring some bells, consider an assessment by (if you are in the US) Early Intervention. A little occupational therapy can make a big difference for the kinds of distress this sensory issue causes (especially in preschool and kindergarten, when a lot of the materials are sensorial, and can be overstimulating).

It is NOT a big hairy-scary deal, it is more like if they tended to trip when running, and you got them a little physical therapy to help develop the coordination. I have three kids with sensory issues, one of whom had issues with grass in particular. He's very sensitive to touch, texture, and flavors, which affected his diet (wouldn't eat certain textures, avoided strong flavors), his play at school (they had to put playdo in plastic baggies before he'd touch it at all, and then only with his fingertips), and his comfort with exploration (suddenly encountering something icky-textured would freak him out totally). But a few ideas from an OT was enough for us to provide him with a 'home sensory diet' that counteracted his oversensitive aspects, and helped him learn to calm his system effectively. What items will help are individual, so an assessment (sometime before 3 if you want to get into the federally sorta-funded EI program) is very useful.

On the plus side, my oldest has a possible career as a wine taster or perfumer - he's able to distinguish some flavors in foods that others cannot... It isn't so much that something's 'wrong' as that it is very highly tuned, which can be disruptive in a 'typical' environment.

(On the other hand, your son may just have had a negative experience somehow with grass and is smart enough to put two and two together and try to avoid it again... take a scan through those books, and you'll likely either go "Ah-HA! this explains a LOT!" or "um, maybe... or no").

[wookie]

I think kids have neediness batteries that need to be charged regularly. When they are at that age, it's charged by cuddling. When they are older, it's charged by listening to them talk, watching them do tricks on their bike, etc.
It is a need.
That being said, there are two caveats. Sometimes, it just isn't a good time for a cuddle, like when I've already got a basket of laundry or a pot of boiling water in my hands (or when I'm having an adult conversation and don't want to be interrupted). So kids do need to learn the concept of later... I always found between 18 months and 2 my kids started to understand when I said "let me finish X and then we'll sit on the couch and cuddle".

Now if you are constantly picking up a small child just because it makes things easier for *you* then maybe you do have to revisit how much you are picking up a child. Constant whining is not respectful and damn hard to live with.

[anna]

Thanks, hedra! We'll check that out. It's the one thing that he actively dislikes: he has no other food, texture, or touch issues, but who knows. Oh, the mysteries of the toddler mind.

[Shandra]

I echo that I really don't think you have to "train" a toddler to be independent. At 22 mos I sort of wish my son still wanted to hold hands or be carried but instead he wants to run madly away/around busy places. And at 15 mos he was desperately clingy. :)

I found that up until about 20 mos it helped to schedule cuddles. After each meal, and nap, before doing the dishes/rushing out, he and I would lie down on the rug or couch together and cuddle and read or play. That seemed to charge his neediness batteries (love the image) and then I could clean up in (relative) peace. After a few days he knew they were coming.

We loved our Ergo but right now he treats it like The Plague since it confines him so, sniff, the Ergo days may be over (will try again soon though 'cause it would be sooooo nice if he would ride on my back over our trip this summer).

I have noticed that as he gets tired he wants to cuddle. We've actually worked out a weird compromise now that he sits on my feet while I make dinner and nuzzles my calves. (I am not a touchy-feely person after 5 pm, except for bedtime, which I have to consciously conserve energy for.)

My son hated grass for a while too - he would /sob/ at the park if he was put down. Now he loves it. Toddlers are just weird little creatures.

[Lisa]

Anna, re the "sensitive to grass" thing: As a child, I HATED walking barefoot on/touching grass. I do tend toward the "highly sensitive" end of the spectrum - no clinically defined sensory integration disorders (as far as I know), but I have always been driven nuts by itchy tags, cheap linens, scented soaps, yadda yadda. My ever-practical mom just listened and helped me avoid the triggers whenever possible. I'd definitely take into account what Hedra said (Hedra! So much wisdom in so many of your posts - thank you!), but it may just be that he doesn't like that sensation, so you help him avoid it.

Of course, there's also the possibility of allergies.

On another note, my 16-month-old is up and down all day - wants to walk, but can't yet do longer distances outside, etc. I tend to wear a baby sling a lot these days - the Kangaroo Karrier is my favorite, as it's easy to pop T. in and out of it quickly in the hip carry - and it keeps my back from giving out.

[elizabuffy]

Hi there, first time commenting, though I've been reading for a while. I just want to comment on the husband aspect of this. I agree that strangers or other people can be politely brushed off, but I think that it's wise to consider what your husband is saying and figure out why he's saying it, since (I presume) he is there with you and watching you and the baby interact all the time. My experience with this kind of thing was that my baby used to only sleep on me, and while I didn't really have a problem with this, my husband kept saying that the baby needed to be able to sleep by himself (not a sex issue as me and my hubby have sex in the morning while the baby plays in his crib). We never fought about it or anything, but my husband would just bring it up every once in a while and ask me when he thought we would start moving the baby to the crib -- very low pressure.

Now I realize that my husband was trying to protect ME, not so much worried about the baby being independent even though those are the terms he would talk about it in. He could see that even though I didn't mind, eventually it would get to be too much for me, and maybe he could see that it was affecting me in ways that I didn't know it was affecting me. And, indeed, sort of naturally as the baby approaches 6 months (my husband started saying this when he was 3 months) I've found that MY patience with having the baby unable to sleep in his crib is wearing thin and I started beginning a slow transition. And now that I can get him in his crib for short naps, etc. I do feel a lot more freedom than I did and I see that it was affecting me though I wouldn't have said that.

In short, I think my husband has instincts about what should be done for the baby in terms of the good of the whole family (including me) whereas I tend to see things more in terms of what's good or not good for just the baby. So think about if that's what's going on in your situation. Because ultimately, the baby will do best when the whole family is doing well.

[Rebecca]

Glad to hear my 16 month old isn't the only velcro kid out there right now!! Been hoping this is just a stage, but it truly sucks when he's the only kid in playgroup having a social anxiety meltdown!! If I hear 'oh, is he tired?' one more time I'm going to scream!!
Anyway, love this site as it makes me realize I'm not alone!! I get tired of the blank stares I get when asking the Stepford Mommies about their kid's developmental challenges (or normalities as it seems to be!!). Cheer to keeping it real!!

[Megan]

I'll echo what a lot of people are saying. My 17-month-old son is often quite clingy and wants to be held/carried. Some of it seems to be pushing back against his growing independence, and some of it is honestly just to be up "on our level". He went through the love/hate thing with the Ergo, too (to my dismay), but I'll try it again.

[Lisa]

Elizabuffy, that's a great point. In the early days of infancy, my husband kept offering to buy formula which I interpreted as "you can't hack this breastfeeding thing," but which he meant as "it's ok if the whole nipple-in-a-vice-thing wears out its welcome and you want to quit because you are a great mom and breastfeeding for X amount of time does not define your success as a mother." But I wouldn't have known if we hadn't explicitly talked about it.

But for any non-co-parent, Moxie's advice of:

'Listen to them, say thoughtfully, "That's an interesting idea. I'll think about that." And then do whatever you want to do. Because you're the mom and it's your child.'

rocks the house. Great advice for most drive-by parenting comments.

[Julie]

I like the fact that people are reminding us all to listen to our husbands (and ignore the rest as we see fit). While I am not always - or even usually - successful at this, it's important to remember. Our 19 m/o is also super clingy and only wants MOM, and it hurts my husband deeply to feel like he is not wanted/needed by our son. Perhaps the husband who feels that mom might be picking up their child "too much" maybe feels that he has not had his fair share of picking up of the baby, or quality time being the primary parent. Granted, we have to respond as we see fit, but digging a little deeper, as suggested by Lisa and Elizabuffy, might reveal that the real concern may not be for what Baby needs, but what Daddy needs - to be important, wanted, included, needed, and a primary problem solver. Maybe I'm reaching here, but that is what is happening in our household right now, and my husband's frustration is showing itself in some curious - and not often directly related - ways. So much so that I'm even considering taking a short 2 day trip and leaving daddy and son on their own for some extra special daddy/son bonding time. And if it sounds like I'm stretching a bit to meet my own mental health needs, well........

[jesse]

My experience with my little biscuit, who is 18 months, is that sometimes she needs her love cup filled. And sometimes she needs it filled 20 times a day which means I pick her up and put her down, which she usually wants after a bit, A LOT. So, I am still using my trusty sling for my 23 pound toddler around the house, cuz I can give her a little nip o' the love potion and still do a few things for the 2,3 or 5 minutes she needs the closeness.

[Kate]

" Your 5-year-old will not want to be picked up (trust me)"

Sorry, but I find this to be untrue. Granted he grew out of wanting to be picked up at 2 or 3. Then he started going to school, and he would sometimes want to be picked up at the bus stop. He is 6 now, and still asks (rarely) be picked up. The good thing is - he's old enough to understand that he's too heavy, and to make do with hugs, and that we can make up for it with cuddle time after school, if he still needs it.

[Anon]

You may already know this, but just in case:

Thomas the Tank Engine toys recalled for lead in paint
http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml07/07212.html

[Elizabeth]

My anecdote: my 2-yo has been held and carried more than most kids we know. Since most of the stuff I read before having kids was from the AP side of the fence, this seemed natural to me, but I did wonder: was she always going to want to be carried everywhere?

Answer, no. Now I'll be darned if I *can* carry her somewhere. "I WALK, I WALK!!" she'll say, and arch out of my arms. Except when she is tired...then she will still allow me to carry her.

I don't see any possible way that picking up and carrying your child at this age can lead to bad things, honestly. The nice thing about babies and young toddlers is that they have no guile. If they perceive that they need something, they ask for it. When they no longer need it, they ask for something else. In our case, for whatever reason, Nora felt she needed to be carried more than other kids (long after she could walk, she wanted me to carry her around, even on the playground and other places where toddlers aren't generally carried as much). And then she changed. They do that!

And, I won't be surprised if my dd goes through some new stage where she'll want to be carried again. But she's now old enough and cognitively advanced enough that I have NO qualms about telling her "no" if it's not convenient to me, and she typically accepts it, so there's no more worries about things like "should I carry her?", etc. If she wants me to, and I can and feel like it, sure. If I don't feel like it, I will tell her no. But with a younger toddler, they don't get it when you say no. It does (IMO) feel like a sort of rejection. So unless it was something unsafe or truly unmanageable at the moment, I always tried to say "yes" as much as possible when my daughter was that age...and now, in retrospect, it seems to have been the right decision. I don't think you can "spoil" a child or get them used to being "coddled" until they really have some understanding that YOU have needs, too. A 2-yo can understand that mommy would rather not hold her right now. A 15-month-old just perceives that they aren't being picked up, and it's quite upsetting. Not a tragedy, but a different issue than with an older child.

[r0ckaby3]

I still keep a ring sling in my purse to pop my 21 month old son in whenever he wants to be held (supposedly it holds up to 35lbs). He has always been a cuddly child, but especially if he's feeling overwhelmed or in a new situation does he want to be carried by me or my husband. That's what works for us!

[Slim]

I got into this parenting gig for the snuggling. Carrying a 15 month old is on my list of acceptable substitutes for snuggling, although I don't have a 15 month old any longer. I'd be happy to carry yours.

Anyway, just one more voice telling you to trust your gut and talk to your husband.

Also, to Anna -- if your child's only issue is with grass, I'd be really surprised if it were a sign of anything other than not liking grass. I've had two kids who didn't want to be anywhere near that stuff when they were babies, and it's not an issue now. (I, on the other hand, will hate crunchy stuff on the floor to my dying day.)

I think once we grow up, working around our own minor quirks isn't a big deal because we can do it ourselves. When we have to help someone else deal with his or hers, it seems like a bigger deal. Someone once felt the need to point out to my son that milk tasted the same no matter which color cup it was in, then carefully chose a particular mug for her coffee. Hmmm.

[Bhuvana]

I agree with all the comments about the 'carrying/snuggling' a toddler. In my experience at 15 months babies still need a lot of cuddling and carrying - I think we should try to encourage them to be independent but take their cue and 'carry' them if they want. They grow up really fast - my now 18 month old already does not like to be carried around except when he needs a nap or is around many strangers.

Anna - I can completely relate to the fear of grass that your son has. My son was petrified of grass, wood chips, dried leaves, pinecones . In general he was just scared of all the stuff you find in the park ...At 16 months he became more than fine with all the above things ..he loves playing in the grass, enjoys stomping on a pile of dried leaves..I helped him get out of his fear by taking him to the park as often as I could even if it meant I had to hold him the entire time. What really helped is when I gave him a piece of wood chip to touch and hold to see it was harmless

Bottom line: this is just a temporary fear that he will ovecome on his own. Btw, my son is now terrified of sand!

[cagey]

I've been told since my son was born that "we pick him up too much". He's 19 months old and yep, we are still "picking him up too much". Whatever. I subscribe to the "you can't ever hold a baby too much" camp. This may explains why when we visited a potential nursery school for this fall that my son ran to the other kids with nary a glance backwards in my direction.

However, my son is not scared - he just likes to be snuggled and carried. He went through a very brief phrase where he did want to walk while holding our hand. I think the carrying is a result of the fact that he realizes he can see WAY more of the world from our arms than from his tiny vantage point on the ground.

However, I am 37 weeks pregnant and quite frankly, there are some days when I do feel like crawling out of my skin because I am physically tired from all the carrying!

[Cat, Galloping]

Hmph. If only my toddler would *let* me pick him up!

[binkytown]

Hey Moxie- just dropping a note to say thanks. Its so refreshing to come here and be reinforced by statements like 'listen thoughtfully for a second and then do what you want to do because you're the mom.' I'm so tired of the bombardment of you should do this or that. You are a gem. Thanks

[I feel like people have been telling me not to pick him up too much since he was born]

These comments have all been wonderful, thanks to everyone for the imput. Reading the comments made me remember back when my son just home the hospital, and i had a nurse visiting me and she said to him, "your getting picked up too much!" I was thinking... he's 5 days old? what the...?

[amy]

anna,
my daughter has sensory integration issues as well, mostly tactile. an overall dread of grass was one of the first signs i picked up on that her problems were more than eating issues.

you might only see an aversion to grass right now, but keep watching for reluctance with other things, even a preference for long sleeves or pants despite warm weather or an aversion to extreme temperatures. my daughter hates cold things or being cold, for instance.

and if the books hedra suggested strike a chord (another might be _the out-of-sync child_), don't hesitate to pursue testing. better to start early when help is more readily available through many state governments and better to start early before it becomes an issue with, say, preschool.

[Sarah V.]

I clicked on the comment thread to add my agreement to what Moxie and everyone else were saying (my son was carried almost constantly as a baby & still picked up plenty as a toddler - at two and a half, although he is still very cuddly, he is also fiercely independent and insists on doing everything he possibly can for himself), but now I want to question something completely different that came up in the comments - what Melissa said, above, about tummy time.

Is there actually any research to show that not having tummy time puts children at a developmental disadvantage? The only research I could find, when I looked it up a while back, was a study showing that babies who didn't get tummy time were slower going through their milestones in the first few months but then caught up. (Which, incidentally, is also exactly what I found to be the case with my son.) There's evidence that babies can end up with oddly-shaped skulls if they spend too long lying on their back, so tummy time is obviously one way of avoiding this (slinging being another way). However, I'm wondering whether the whole idea of tummy time being essential to development is just yet another dogma sans evidence.

[Moby Wrap]

A MOBY CARRIER would actually be a great gift if your wife is expecting or you know someone else who really is. It will really help these mothers carry aorund their babies with themselves, where they want and when they want!

[coach discount]

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[moncler shop]

It's great to hear from you and see what you've been up to. In your blog I feel your enthusiasm for life. thank you.