Q&A: sex at 9 weeks post-partum

Jen writes:

"I'm a new Mom.  Little baby is 9 weeks old.  We're doing pretty well. I'm keeping my anxiety at bay, reminding myself I am doing a good job and getting sleep when I can.  Routine, going for a walk, sunshine and talking with friends all help.

My issue (or one of them) is this: My husband is desperate to have sex and I just don't feel like it. In the beginning baby weeks it was that I was too damned tired.  And now its "I never get much time alone.  Where no one wants me."  At night, it feels like the moment I get done breast feeding and putting baby down, my hubby wants some love.

Now, he is a good hubby.  Helps lots with baby. Is sensitive.  Tries hard not to be pushy and tries to understand.  Yet, he feels unloved and misses 'the old me."  He tells me constantly that I am sexy.  He bought me lingerie and comfy jammies for Mothers Day. He is so happy that I have lost my big belly and have gained big boobs.

The problem I think is me.  I get into bed and I think "I have 3 hours before the next feed."  I need to eat, rest, maybe bathe.  I am not feeling "in the mood."

I think its mainly that I feel pressured even though hubby is not trying to pressure me.  I get reminded of how long its been.  The more I think about it, the more guilty and fretful and pressured I feel.  Ultimately, I would like to just let it go.  I am sure that one day nature will take its course and we will have sex.  I don't want to think about when, where or how.

Am I completely nuts?  Does anyone else feel this way?  Any ideas for helping me feel better?"

Oh, honey. You're barely healed. Your baby is still teeny tiny, nursing all the time, not sleeping on a decent schedule. You're still shell-shocked from suddenly being primarily responsible for another human being 24/7 and realizing your life will never be the same again. You're exhausted and probably at least somewhat overwhelmed, and really touched out.

Of course you're not dying for sex.

6 weeks is what they tell you, but that's just the time it usually takes for the surface hurt of a normal vaginal delivery to heal, and for the post-partum bleeding to stop. 6 weeks does not mean that you're healed if you had deep tears or an episiotomy. And it doesn't mean that you're emotionally in a place in which you need to have sex or even remotely want it.

There's just way too much going on for sex to be a priority right now for most women.

I'M GOING TO BE GRAPHIC IN THE NEXT PARAGRAPH:

If your husband wants to feel close to you at the same time he has an orgasm, you could consider giving him a hand job. He could also masturbate while you're there with him. If you have a huge excess of energy and ambition you might consider oral. But it's not a reasonable expectation to think that you'd be really into sex right now.

GRAPHIC TALK OVER.

This won't last forever. In a few months you'll probably be back on the horse (so to speak) and enjoying sex again. But 9 weeks is still the Red Zone of parenting. It's overwhelming and exhausting and frightening and makes you bone-weary. Horny? Not so much.

So just hang in there and keep waking up every morning. If you can, try to make your husband feel loved and appreciated. But don't feel like there's anything wrong with you if you don't really want to have sex right now. There's nothing wrong with your husband really wanting you right now, either. It's just that your situations don't match up right now. They'll get back into sync again.

If you really want to be proactive about the sex thing, do a bunch of elevator Kegels every day. That way, by the time you're ready to have sex again you'll have amazing muscle control down there and it'll be better than ever. But cut yourself some slack right now. And take a nap if you get the chance.

Comments

[anon]

Do not underestimate the physical demands of breastfeeding. You're still eating for two, but now you have to be more active when feeding. And, you're sleep deprived. Have you talked to your husband about wanting to want to have sex with him? Sounds like you do, but there's only so much you can do. Maybe try to get something in during the day while baby is napping and you don't feel the pull towards sleep as much. Though it is hard to get in the mood on demand. I suspect it's a learned skill I haven't learned.

[wendy]

I am 9 months out, not 9 weeks and am just starting to feel moments of interest. My interest in sex increases as the baby's night sleep increases, not surprisingly. Moxie's GRAPHIC advice is great. And, encourage self-satisfaction with you as an encouraging supporter (just show him your boobs). I am thinking about investing in some erotica and/or porn for Father's Day (to assist with the self-satisfaction). Good luck.

[squab]

Honestly, if you're breastfeeding, your lowered estrogen levels can make sex not only uninteresting, but downright uncomfortable. (Speaking from experience.) I was like Wendy - didn't get my mojo back until my daughter was about 9 months old - and it was definitely hormonal: it was like a switch got flipped and suddenly my libido was back! So don't despair and don't feel bad. I know LOTS of women for whom it took months, not weeks to return to sexual beings. You're completely normal. Maybe knowing that will help your husband to understand that this is a temporary, but real, situation and he just needs to wait a little longer. Good luck!

[anonymous]

Okay, we've had sex twice in the past 9+ months (since our baby girl was born). Both times I was very reluctant and most definitely NOT in the mood but felt I owed him for being so patient/loving/caring/helpful. It was uncomfortable both times at first (you kind of get in the mood eventually).

It seems so unfair that not only do we women suffer with the downsides of pregnancy, birth, post partum, and primary caregiver (especially if you breastfeed and are on call all night long) but there is the hormonal thing and lack of libido as well. Men go through no changes, with the exception maybe of lack of sleep, so they are raring to go immediately.

I am really REALLY hoping my libido gets switched back to the 'on' position very soon because the good natured teasing and constant references to his poor neglected penis (oh please spare me) are getting old and while I begrudgingly admit its hard on him I don't really like being forced to service him. Of course I love him like no other but sex just isn't what I want right now (a foot rub would be nice, sleep would be better).

So this comment isn't very helpful but I guess I just wanted to commiserate, let you know that you aren't alone, that the feelings could persist for several more months, but from what I've heard from others it WILL get better and we will all enjoy sex some day once again. :-)

[Megan]

I remember when my DS was a few weeks old, a family friend told me she had no sex drive while she was breastfeeding, and so weaned at 4 months. In my head I thought, "No way," because I planned to breastfeed at least for a year and didn't want to believe that could be true.

DS still breastfeeds a few times a day at 16 months old, and although my libido has returned to a certain extent, I have to say from my experience that the hormones combined with the serious levels of touching involved with breastfeeding can keep sex at bay.

I would never do anything differently, but I think the decreased libido during nursing is nature's wonderful way of spacing children. :o)

I've also found that sex is like exercise...the more I do it, the more I want to do it. So mostly I start, and I usually get into it.

But at 9 weeks? Hell no. For me, the extensive touching mattered even more than the lack of sleep. I just felt like there was no "me". If my son was sleeping, I wanted to read a book or take a bath, not have sex!

P.S. If you don't own any "toys" for yourself, I highly recommend the pocket rocket. Every woman should have a little wooden box by her bedside, IMO!

[Jennifer]

This post was good timing. I have just spent that last couple of weeks fuming in my head about this subject. All of the pregnancy books and parenting books tell you, "don't forget to make time for your husband." That's all well and good, but why does it have to mean sex? My daughter is 13 months and has just started to wean. I just had my first period last week and I still don't have my libido back. Part of that I know is my resentment towards my husband who is not all that helpful, but I still think a lot of it is hormonal. I have had a few frisky moments recently since the bf decreased, which tells me it's hormonal. I think we as women set ourselves up to feel guilty about this because all the pleading and complaining makes us feel that we are punishing our husbands/partners somehow. We can't change their lack of understanding but we can try to keep ourselves and our babies healthy (SLEEP!) and try to let go of the guilt. So here's my two cents: Tell your hubby you love him and you think he's sexy and you're still not in the mood. Keep saying it until he believes you. Try to spend non-sexual time together, take the baby for a walk or go for a drive while the baby sleeps. I think the most important thing we can do for ourselves is not feel guilty and give it time.

And annoymous - I totally agree. We give up so much for our children and the men are complaining about a few months of sex?! Oh, waaa

[Christine]

I went through the motions, but had no interest in sex until my cycle started back up, six months after the birth. Then it came back full force.

Also, and FYI and really more than anyone needs to know, but until I got my period again sex was really, really, REALLY painful. Sort of ruins the mood when I'm choking back sobs during the deed. Astroglide helped.

[anon]

I went through the motions like the commenter above, but at 9 weeks sex still HURT. OMG for like 3 months it was agony, then my libido didn't really come back until DS was a year old. Give yourself some time, it'll get better.

[christie]

I think mostly EVERYONE else feels this way. :) Ditto for the seriously painful intercourse, up to maybe four months postpartum for me.

If I can make a book recommendation here... "The Mother's Guide to Sex" by Anne Semans and Cathy Winks was a good resource for me. It talks about sex during pregnancy AND during the "fourth trimester", and I like the acceptance/acknowledgement that not every family with young children is married or even dual-gender, that we are not all the same, that what seems right for you is what's right for you. Amazon has it, but you could check your local library as well.

Hang in there. Get some sleep if you can.

[Gretchen]

I'm in the boat with Christine - not only did I not want to have sex, when I did it was downright agonizing, no matter how much KY and foreplay was involved. Oh, and did I mention the bleeding? Yeah, thanks for sewing that episiotomy up so tight, doc. Gah.

The good news is that once my period came back and I was totally off breastfeeding for a few months, the libido came back, and eventually the pain and bleeding went away. Of course, that was a year and a half after giving birth, so my husband was (pardon the pun) kinda screwed.

If Jen really wants to give it a try, I would suggest she try to find a way to separate herself from the baby for as much as possible one day ... pump ahead of time or supplement with formula, have a babysitter or family member come to take care of all the holding and cuddling and stuff the kid needs. Meanwhile, Jen should take a nap, take the longest hot shower in the history of motherhood, do her nails, eat some chocolate, and do whatever else she has been missing out on for the past couple of months. A well-rested, satisfied, not-overly-touched-out mom is much more likely to be amenable to sex than a mom who's sleep deprived, wishing she could just have some time to herself, and has been mauled by a cute little bundle of joy all day.

[Anonymous]

I found that it really helped when we got a babysitter, went out to dinner, enjoyed a glass of wine and spending time together and THEN went home and got it on. Particularly when the babysitter was able to put the baby down to sleep.

I wouldn't say that my libido was particularly high but I was interested enough to want to do it for my husband, and getting a dinner break helped my energy and outlook.

[Megan]

I tore a little with my DD, they told me 8 weeks before sex. What they didn't tell me was that it would hurt a LOT (I think I should have been told to wait longer by a few weeks), and I wouldn't want to anyway. I did, but it hurt until about 4-5 months. But my daughter is over 10 months old, and I still don't want to. I'm not bfing, and my husband is very helpful with her, so it's not that. And I do want to have another, and I'm too old to wait too long between, so I'm hoping the doldrums will go away soonish, and let me want to play again.

[anon]

Wow, this is good for me to read, too. I'm still exclusively breastfeeding my (highly allergic) 8 month old and it's been at least 2 or 3 months since I've had intercourse. It just hurts so damn much and takes too damn long...

We try to "get it on" at least 2 times a week, though, just to keep my husband in a good place emotionally. I'm never in the mood and hate feeling like I'm faking it, but it is still important to me to make that connection with him.

I think that fathers do actually experience a hormonal shift after the baby is born. I seem to remember reading about that somewhere. But besides that, the whole lack of sex post partum thing has to change the flow of hormones, right?!

I'm not saying it's the same thing we go through, but we have to give them credit for the loss they experience. Our bodies and attentions are not available to them like they were before the baby.

[Jenne]

I hate to think of the flaming I'll get for my response to this one, so I'll start with the agreements.

It's totally normal and totally acceptable to be totally not in the mood at 9 weeks PP, and honestly, as many of you have attested to, for a long time after that as well.

The advice for how to get in a state slightly closer to the "mood" is good too, as is the suggestion that just doing it will usually result in not hating it and feeling okay with it once you've started (like exercise, as a previous commenter said)

For those of you who have pain when you do go for it, despite foreplay and lube, see your doc! I had the same experience, and as it turned out had some sort of skin-tag/poor healing issue internally... your doctor can help you get fixed up, because while it may not be super-wonderful, pp sex with lube and foreplay should not be excruciating, and you shouldn't have to suffer through it.

I don't think we should feel guilty for not being in the mood, ditch the guilt.

*But* remember that men have a biological need for sex, and if their needs are not met by the chosen partner in their life--as inexcusable as it is--they are likely to get their needs met in a fashion much more bothersome, hurtful, and damaging than you having sex when you don't feel like it.

I didn't enjoy the experience until my daughter was around a year, but I just kept in mind that everyone in the family, including my husband, has needs, and that as a family we're responsible for meeting each other's needs--not just our own, not just the baby's.

Talk to your husband, tell him that you really love him and you want him to be satisfied, and tell him how he can help you help him--if that means giving the baby a bottle of expressed milk in the evening so you can take a hot bath/read a magazine/veg out before the two of you go for it, then tell him that, if it's something else, tell him that. Try to find a happy medium between sex as often as he wants (way too often) and sex as often as you want (nearly never).

Don't expect your husband to sacrifice a very real, very basic need. That's as bad as him expecting you to be--at 9 weeks pp--the frisky sex kitten you were before you had kids

I'm sure I'm in the minority here, and I promise, I'm not really just a sex-crazed dad writing out of my own need. I'm a mom with a regular husband who struggled with this very thing and my marriage suffered--if you can avoid having discord between you and your partner, things go much more smoothly in parenting. Also, when your husband feels his needs are being met (or at least addressed) he's much less likely to resent you and/or the baby, and is more likely to be the man you need him to be and the dad your child needs, and everyone is better off.

[anon]

Have you every read Catherine Newman's column, which used to run on babycenter.com? She writes that doctors should tell women 2 years before sex after baby, and that way, women who want it sooner could feel like they have a grand passion that just couldn't wait. It's way funnier when she writes it, though.

While I agree with Jenne somewhat, I think so much about parenthood is accommodation, and men need to accommodate their wives just as much as we need to accommodate them. Why should his need to have sex trump my need to sleep/bathe/have a little touch-free time? Sometimes it does, but often it doesn't. Honestly, I was much more willing to give hand jobs and let him stare at my huge nursing boobs (but for the love of all things, just don't touch them!) than to have intercourse for what seemed a very long time. But you know what? We felt more connected than if I had grudgingly put out because of his "needs" (why does that sound so very Victorian?) because he mostly got what he needed, while I could let my body heal as long as it needed to.

[Maura]

You know, all the books say to remind ourselves that it took 9 months to gain the weight, we should expect it to take that long to lose the weight. Well, I say it took 9 months to lose the libido, we should give it at least that long to come back.

Women as a whole have been told by our (all too often male) doctors that 6 weeks is the magic time. From that there's this expectation that 6 weeks is when we'll want to get back into the deed. Ummmm....no!

Anyway, no real helpful advice here, just empathy. It will get better, just probably not as soon as you expected or your husband hoped.

[Shandra]

I do think that sex is an important part of marriage and all that, but I am really bristling at the idea that men need sex and if they don't get it for a few months they'll just go cheat to get it.

My husband was a monk for 7 years before I met him. He doesn't get away with that "biological need" crap.

To say something more useful... we resumed at about 6 weeks after a really hard labour with my daughter, who died, so I wasn't breastfeeding. We really wanted to feel that closeness and we went reaaaally slow, which we could do.

With my son it was an easy labour and I felt so energetic after he was okay - and we resumed sex somewhere around the 5 month mark (although I think we did it once in between, maybe? can't remember). Breastfeeding killed my libido until around then, we were both tired out and busy, and closeness was sharing a bath with our son. :)

[Anon]

Jenne,

I can understand where you're coming from, honestly. But I have to respectfully disagree. I think there needs to be open communication in a marriage. I'm about 10 months PP, and we've only actually "done the deed" twice since I gave birth. We're both worn out physically, and we're dealing with a child who doesn't sleep EVER unless she's being held or in her swing. That means our chances are few and far between. And do you know how many times my husband has brought up his suffering libido and "need" for sex?

0.

And that's because we talk about it. We talk about our desires for each other, we do other things (such as Moxie's GRAPHIC mentionings) when the mood strikes us or when we get a chance.

I'm sorry, but no one should feel like they have to have sex to keep their husband from cheating. I honestly don't believe men cheat JUST because they need sex, if all of their other needs are being met. But maybe that's just me and my marriage. To each his/her own.

[anonny]

an east indian trick for the difficulty in sex due to lack of lubrication is to use olive oil as a lubricant. (also, good for a yeast infection)

[Ireps]

10 and a half months of GRAPHIC hand jobs and blow jobs END GRAPHIC. maybe it is a world record but we are so tired all the time with our sleepless mini that when the choice is between watching house or having sex, house wins.

[Nutmeg]

So... I, like many women, am in a similar circumstance. My husband turned me down the few times I was in the mood when I was pregnant, because he was worried about the baby (never mind that he's a doctor). He has always been very understanding with me in regards to our sex life because I have some serious history of sexual abuse as a child... so I can't just DO it if I'm not in the mood... and it's really hard for me to be coaxed into being in the mood because of anxiety. And I have a hard time with doing the graphic things described due to aforementioned problems...

Given all that, my husband is great about it and we talk about it and I tell him all the time that he is attractive and I love him and on a couple of occassions I WAS in the mood (sort of) and HE fell asleep. The talk about it helps. The reminding him about the hormones helps. Admittedly our circumstances are different and he's been dealing with my problems RE sex for a long time and we have a language built around it and coping skills for it, but talking can't hurt.

I think it was here that I read the difference between men and women regarding sex. At the end of a long tiring day men think of sex as nice and relaxing and women often (though not all) as another task (even if it IS enjoyable).

And I think the TOUCHING issue can't be overstated. I love nursing my son, but frankly I am getting rubbed and stroked and prodded and pinched ALL DAY. Nighttime is welcome respite from all of that (for a few hours at a time, anyway). Sensory overload really can do a number on one's libido.

Give yourself a while longer. Life will settle down quite a bit in the next month and then it might be thinkable again.

sorry for my rambling.

[SarcastiCarrie]

Commiseration: after a year of forced-death-march infertility sex, followed by 9-months of pelvic rest, one year of nursing, and now a 2-year old who still doesn't sleep through the night (OK, he sleeps but he SCREAMS in his sleep) and I am actually too tired to GRAPHIC give a blow job or even a hand job, but I am coherent enough to encourage him to meet his own needs END GRAPHIC. In fact, I may never want to have sex again.

Also, my doctor's advice was to lubricate and inebriate for post-partum sex. It does help to some extent as I have actually done teh deed a handful of times (usually on discount margarita night at the local restaurant).

[RHW]

Shandra, your post blew me away. I can't even imagine. I'm glad you're o.k. and can share that with us.

[rachel]

i remember at my 6 week check up my midwife offered to write me a note saying that i needed at least one more month of no sex.
i didn't ask for it, but she was very real with me about how normal it is to feel this way for a while.

[pnuts mama]

oh, may i join in the chorus of "sex at nine weeks, say what?" please?

first, now that i am a mom, i am always impressed (combined with disbelief?) by the women who go against dr's orders and do it right away after birth. more power to you, ladies (really! WOW!) but god in heaven sex hurts like a mofo after birth and you are so unbelievably tired and feeling strung out and borderline insane and yes, the sensory overload is such.a.turnoff. especially when you are the one with the baby attached to you 24/7 and resentment? party of one? for the guy who gets ten freakin spare seconds to even think about sex? no thanks. nooooooo.

second, now that that same bundle of joy finally (mostly) sleeps through the night, and has weaned, and i can relax with an adult beverage in the evenings, and am unafraid to ask for a backrub and a little GRAPHIC foreplay UNGRAPHIC once in a while, it has gotten back on track. but jen, please, at 9 weeks into this crazy newborn bootcamp, don't let sex with your husband be another thing on your list of stuff to stress about. first of all, the crazy may very well get worse before it gets better, and you don't need any unnecessary stressors to add to the combined effects of growthspurts/no sleep/crying/constant bfing. really.

i'm with moxie and the above commenters who encourage you to get back into it at your own pace, and in the meantime, do whatever graphic stuff you want to and feel like with the man that you love. sometimes it may get you in the mood for more, other times, it will just be another being to take care of before you get to get some sleep or pump or pluck your eyebrows. i would also congratulate you on your communication with your husband, and i doubt lack of sex or a bj or hj here or there is going to send him off into the arms of another woman. i trust you chose a man better than that. hang in there, girl.

[Lisa]

Huh.

This post is quite bristling in a way. I mean some of the comments. First of all, the six weeks thing is the bare minimum that it might take your vagina to physically heal. It isn't like it is a leave of absence you are taking from your job and then you have to get back to it or you won't get paid or you'll get fired. Most women I know, myself included, took months or even longer to get back on the horse as it were.

The icky part of these comments is this. If it hurts, if you don't want to, you're exhausted, you're tired of being a baby jungle gym, your boobs hurt, etc.,then WHY are some of you having sex? Ick. Why would your husbands want to have sex with you if it will hurt you or you don't want it and you are too exhausted? Ick again.

I'm not trying to be judgemental. Do what works for you. Hand jobs, oral, suffering through it, I guess, whatever. And I get that husbands miss it. I missed it even when I didn't want it. I lived. But having sex when it hurts or when I feel like falling asleep during or when I just don't want to? No Way. Hubby will have to deal. Sex only happens when it works for both of us. It sounds very victorian. Like some of you still think you are property and you owe it to him.

Ick.

[(another) Lisa]

Oh, it's so complicated.

I had a scheduled c-section (breech baby, wouldn't turn for anything) and so the healing was of a different sort, with a thankfully quick physical recovery. Surprised myself with actually wanting sex at 4 weeks. Then not again - as in "yuck, no *way,* get away from me" - for like 5 more months.

We're now at 16 months and I'm still bf-ing a lot. Libido is back a bit, but much dampened still. And it sounds so June Cleaver, but him doing the dishes and such? Necessary foreplay. Resentment, when added to the existing obstacles of time, exhaustion, overwhelm, etc., pretty much kills any interest I may have.

As for the "when i just don't want to"? Well, sometimes we go slow anyway, see what happens - and I surprise myself by really getting into it, with happy results for all. Sometimes I *really* don't want to, and say so, and he "has to deal." Sometimes we cuddle/fall asleep, or set a date for the future. Sometimes we bicker uselessly about trivial things and go to sleep mad. And sometimes I get a flash of desire and act on it. (OK, desire + naptime = not often, but still....)

I guess what I'm saying is it's complicated, and imperfect. We're both trying to make it work, which means different things each time. I try to remember that this is a brief time in our long life together, and to remind both of us that it will change.

[anonymous]

I actually agree with Jenna for the most part. And I don't think she is saying that if you don't have sex with your husband for a few months or few years he is going to go out and cheat on you. But his pornography collection might grow. And perhaps that is okay with most of you.

I'm pregnant with my second and I have little interest in sex right now. Since about two months after my first was born I've made an effort to be intimate with my husband (in whatever form that takes) at least once a week. I don't think this is a Victorian/property issue, but more loving someone and wanting him to be happy. And usually after we get started I end up having a good time.

Of course after I have both an infant AND a toddler I may be singing a different tune.

[Carmen]

I guess it depends on your man, really. At the time my son was 9 weeks old, I was still struggling to acknowledge that in fact my hubby was still there as well. I did feel really guilty, but whilst I did like hugging him, I just couldn't get myself to be interested in his private bits.

The little boy is now 9 months old, and we've just started getting back into hanky panky. Over the last few months, I did occasionally talk to my husband about it, because I wanted him to know that I love him, but just didn't feel like sex. Fortunately he's incredibly patient and never pushy, because, like Lisa, I just couldn't imagine forcing myself.

I appreciate that in a relationship compromises sometimes have to be made, and I know from experience, that if I don't at least try to get in the mood occasionally, I can quite easily go off sex permanently, but I think the first few months after having a baby are a good time to cut yourself some slack.

[Lucy]

We didn't have sex until the six month mark and I was glad. Friends tried earlier and found it awful and it turned them off. Wait until you are ready. I also reckon it's good to get yourself off before you go for it with your fella. Reassures you that it's all working down there.
I say make time to share the love with appreciative comments and cuddles but wait until you're really up for it.
Well done on the first nine weeks. It gets better!

[Strugi]

I find that I have huge resentment toward my husband when he can go a week without hugging me or even a peck on the cheek. Why would I feel relaxed enough to have sex with someone who doesn't take the time to touch me nonsexually. Apart from that he is a wonderfully involved father who helps around the house. He even came home with a study about how touch helps prevent/lessen postpartum depression. He just doesn't think to touch me in non sexual ways. We are four months postpartum.

[Sue]

We just had our second (12 weeks) and even though sex is actually comfortable despite having had serious tears , the baby is constantly on top of me, as is or 2yo, so I'm not so interested in sex.

So I tell my husband that I desperately want to have sex with him, so the next time both kids are asleep and we're both awake, I'd love to have sex with him. It makes him feel loved and wanted (which is all he really wants from me - he can do the rest himself), and gets me off the hook because seriously, how often is *that* scenario going to happen? bwahahaha!

To those of you on your first baby, with my daughter, sex hurt like CRAZY (I even went and got a second opinion because I thought the doctor had screwed up my stithes and wasn't telling me or something) for months. But with the second, no problem - healed quickly and didn't hurt at all. So there's hope!

[Alison S]

What Sue said. I didn't have an episiotomy with either child, but after number 1 I had a few sutures, and my perineum hurt during initial penetration right up until I had number 2, over 3 years later. Then I tore slightly during delivery, but didn't have sutures, and it healed far faster the second time and hasn't hurt since, after the first few weeks.
These things take time. I have a friend who had a dreadful, dreadful experience with a neonatal death, emergency hysterectomy and botched repair leading to complications, and it took her years to enjoy sex again, with all the emotional and physical fallout - and a lot of lubricant and alcohol, to start with. But now, it's pretty much as good as it was before, she says.
It may feel as if the early post-natal stage will go on for ever, but it won't, really. Time is a great healer, it really is.

[Katy]

I second Jenne's comment about going back to the doctor if it's really painful. When we were ready to try it again (maybe 7 weeks pp - I was kind of in the mood despite lack of sleep and constant breastfeeding), we found that we actually couldn't do it. I mean, things were just not going to fit together without some serious pain/tearing. So I went back to my midwife and she examined me, and it appears that they had sewn up my tear too tightly. I had a little minor surgery (basically an episiotomy and resewing), and after that healed, the sex was fine (with use of lots of lubricants, mind you). So if it really hurts, depending on the nature/cause of the pain there may be an easy solution. If they sew you up too tightly, you certainly shouldn't have to suffer through months of painful sex to get things stretched out again!

[Alison S]

What Sue said. I didn't have an episiotomy with either child, but after number 1 I had a few sutures, and my perineum hurt during initial penetration right up until I had number 2, over 3 years later. Then I tore slightly during delivery, but didn't have sutures, and it healed far faster the second time and hasn't hurt since, after the first few weeks.
These things take time. I have a friend who had a dreadful, dreadful experience with a neonatal death, emergency hysterectomy and botched repair leading to complications, and it took her years to enjoy sex again, with all the emotional and physical fallout - and a lot of lubricant and alcohol, to start with. But now, it's pretty much as good as it was before, she says.
It may feel as if the early post-natal stage will go on for ever, but it won't, really. Time is a great healer, it really is.

[Megan]

I think there's a balance that can be struck so that both partners feel that her/his needs are being met.

- you feel that you're being heard about how overwhelming caring for a baby can be, and you get some rest, care, etc.

- your significant other feels that you still find him attractive, loveable, etc.

At one point my husband said to me that he felt terrible that I didn't find him attractive when he still found me so attractive. Which wasn't the case at all...I did still find him attractive, but often with men, words aren't enough. They're big on action. So showing makes a much bigger impression, whether through hugging, kissing, back rubs, etc. (I also don't think all touching has to end in sex.)

Although I don't think anyone should feel they HAVE to have sex with their partner, there are usually differences in the libido levels between people. (Often BIG differences.) Usually the man has the larger libido, but not always. My babysitter lamented to me the other day that her husband has only wanted it 1x per day, instead of the 2x she was used to. I think I had to pick my jaw up off of the floor. (She has 2 kids and runs a daycare, so it's not an energy thing...)

[electriclady]

Sex? What's that? ;)

My daughter is almost 16 weeks old, and my husband and I haven't had sex since she was born. We also didn't have sex through my entire pregnancy, thanks to a series of pelvic rest and bedrest restrictions. Tomorrow will mark ONE YEAR since we last got busy (the night of my trigger shot pre-IUI). Not that I'm counting or anything.

I do miss the closeness with my husband, but I have zero libido right now thanks to exhaustion and lactation. Plus I'm exclusive pumping (baby won't nurse), and there is just no way to feel sexy when you are sticking your boobs into plastic horns 8x/day. The sex thing was definitely a factor in my decision to start weaning now--not only is pumping just plain exhausting, I really need to reconnect with my husband physically for the overall health of our relationship and our family.

All that to say--Jen, tell your husband he could be a lot worse off! I do feel bad for my husband, but considering I wasn't allowed to orgasm when I was pregnant (preterm labor) and I have never been hornier in my life, I don't feel THAT bad for him.

[notjustmom]

ditto on everything said above...

and: my husband is just now allowed to touch my nipples because my 15 month old is now weaned. when i was breastfeeding they were OFF limits. to emotionally weird for me.

[Charisse]

Must admit, I was the one dying for the 6 weeks to be up so we could get busy. (Exclusive & intensive BFing, but I did get my cycle back at 11 weeks despite that so I may be a hormonal outlier.) Anyway, then we did get busy and despite the GRAPHIC astroglide UNGRAPHIC it hurt a bit and wasn't, um, earthshaking for me, but it was sweet and touching and kind of hilarious and we were both happy we did. The earthshaking part improved, but I find there are still so often periods of a month where Mouse is sick, then we're sick, then for some reason she has a string of naps followed by 11pm bedtimes...and doing it just doesn't happen.

I'm usually the aggressor--I'd probably like sex 1x more per week than my husband when we're both 100%, so I'm the one worrying that it will NEVER happen again, what if we miss this chance and it NEVER happens again? It's the NEVER that's scary. It helps me to be held, told that I'm sexy and he does want me, maybe even whispered exactly what we'll do when things aren't so crazy...but reminded that the world is just too much right now.

I totally agree that you shouldn't have sex if you're completely not up for it (and it's very normal for parents to be in that space)...and that if you're just mostly not up for it, it can be worth a try, with the understanding that you'll go as far as YOU like--back to teenage years, he can seduce you, but you can say no at any point.

I also think, with respect to being touched out, that bfing/holding a baby is demanding touch...as is a sexual advance. What replenishes is undemanding touch--holding, hugs, massage. If your husband can really back off and give you that undemanding touch, truly as an offering, your emotional body *may* feel refreshed enough that you'll want to jump on him.

In any case, you're normal and it will come back! And this won't be the last time during your parenting experience when the kid will mess with your mojo...but it will still come back.

[hedra]

Did want to mention Omega-3 fatty acids, here, too. They help my libido in general, whether just that my system functions better with them (anti-inflammatory, etc., etc.), or that they keep low-level PPD at bay, no idea. Just do know that when I'm eating more salmon (or on top of the supplements), I'm waaaaay more interested.

I think the range has been covered here pretty well - I ditto the GRAPHIC general advice, and the checking with the doctor (or pelvic floor physical therapist!) over pain/discomfort issues, and non-demanding touch, and more sleep, and time for yourself, and dating each other, and a little extra boost when you do have time (drinkies/lubricants), and also as I've noted here before, recognizing that the things that worked before, may not work now (and your DH may not be aware of how much those don't work, and may just be doing the same old things LOUDER AND MORE OFTEN in hopes that the message gets through, instead of trying something completely different!). Trust me, completely different (or somewhat different, or at least trying to find out what works now that never did before), can really make for much more fun after childbirth (man, if I was 'stuck' with how we'd always done things, I'd be booooored because my body just does not respond the same as it used to!).

Good luck, sleep, communicate, and take your time (by the way, if you had any trauma/tearing/sutures, etc., the average start-up point is 10 weeks, not 6, and that's just for 'first try' and not for 'woooo, BABY!'). One in three women (just looked that up on sciencedaily.com) has sexual dysfunction issues for a YEAR after childbirth (and this is true with c-sections even though at a lower rate, so 'may' COUGHdoesCOUGH have to do with all those other factors, too - sleep, hormone shift, breastfeeding, being touched out, etc., etc.).

[anonymousforobviousreasons]

I am also 9 months post-partum and have almost zero libido, so GRAPHIC SUGGESTION my husband has found the joys of masturbating while spooning me or rubbing himself against my back in the shower END GRAPHICS. I love him, he's sexy, but I'm tired! Good luck and don't worry too much. Your husband should understand your body has just gone through an enormous upheaval!

[anonymous]

This sounds so familiar. I went through no libido and painful sex after the birth of my now 2 year old. I think you're just not ready yet. I agree that 6 or even 9 weeks is too soon for many, if not most, moms.

Communication is key. Jen, it sounds like you have a great relationship with your husband. Sit down with him and explain how you are exhausted, touched-out, and honestly have no libido. Maybe show him the comments here. And tell him that even though he's not trying to pressure you, the lingerie, sexy comments, and calendar of how long it's been are making you uncomfortable. Maybe there are some other things you can do that would help him feel appreciated and wanted. Hugs, cuddling on the couch, walks together, date night, whatever.

My husband did the same with the "how long it's been" comments and it made me feel terrible. I got to the point of not wanting to touch him, because even a hug was seen as an invitation for unwanted sex. When we did have sex at 2 or 3 months post-partum it was so painful I nearly cried, and was painful for several more months. He told me there was something wrong with me and I needed to go back to the doctor. I'm sure he meant well, but it made me feel worse and I started to resent him. I offered him other options (showers together with "extra benefits", etc.) For a while that sufficed, but he felt it wasn't as good as "the real thing". I became more resentful and even less interested in sex. It's taken a long time for us to get back on track, and honestly, I don't have the same libido I used to. Mostly I think it's due to unresolved anger toward him.

I agree marriage is about compromise. But that means compromise from BOTH partners, not just the one with the lower sex drive. If you're not ready for sex yet, you're not ready. Period.

[Amy]

I reiterate the multiple comments you've gotten above saying "this is normal!"

Nine weeks is hardly enough time for you to be back to your old self, let alone adjusted to your new self as a mom. When was the last time you had a haircut? pedicure? glass of wine with a friend? read a book because you felt like it? a leisurely shower with time to shave your legs and condition your hair? If you're like most new moms, my guess is you haven't had time to do most, if any, of these things (or whatever were the things that your pre-baby self did for you). So its not surprising that you don't yet feel like being the loving, sexy wife that you were before.

That said, I do think that many (most?) men post-baby have two emotions that come into play on the "when will our sex life resume?" front. First, you have done something miraculous -- nurtured and produced this baby that is the result of both of you. For many men, I think that brings out intense feelings of love and appreciation for their partners, which (duh!) leads them to think about sex with said partner. Second, particularly with breast feeding moms, I think lots of new dads are a bit jealous of the relationship you now have with your baby. This infant gets your attention pretty much 24/7 (not to mention the unimpeded access to your newly enhanced boobs!). I know my husband felt this way after our son was born. For many, sex is an obvious way to try and reconnect with you, and reaffirm that your marital relationship is primary to (or at least as important as) the one you now have with the baby.

All that said, I don't think many women feel like jumping in the sack at 9 weeks post-partum. You've gotten some great suggestions above, which I endorse. The best solution to what you are facing now is to continue to communicate. Reassure your husband that you love him, find him attractive, think he is a great dad, etc and let him know that in time, your sex life will pick up again. To encourage that it do so, take some time for yourself, away from baby and husband, even if just to take 20 minutes to run to the bank and back.

It takes time, but it does get better. Your baby will be less needy, you'll start to get more sleep, you will both feel better and more reassured about this parenthood thing and your new relationship with each other, and eventually, sex will seem appealing again. I promise!!

[tiny]

OK, a quick voice for a different way and a few suggestions. Please keep the flames to a minimum. =) My son is now 5 months and we have been having wonderful sex since 2 weeks pp. At first it was just touching each other until I healed.

The key though, seems to be that my SO helps alot around the house. Though I have the baby all day at work, he takes care of him in the evening and usually takes first shift if he wakes up. For the first several months, we split shift. I went to bed at 10 and got up for the day with baby at 6 or so. SO stayed up until 1 or so and then slept until 830ish. So we both got about 7 hours, albeit a bit interrupted by kidlet waking. But better than most. For all nighters, he takes until 3, then I take the last half.

I will say that I did heal quickly - I had a midwife attended homebirth. But the issues are the same. We talked about how to handle the chores and all _before_ we talked about sex.

Sounds like a major issue isn't just sex though. Its being tired, and having help doing the day to day stuff. That maybe should be the major part of the conversation: once non-sex needs are met for both, then have the other conversation.

Men need to suck it up a bit, and also -- hey. Guys look very sexy wielding a vacuum cleaner while mommy looks on in an oxytocin induced haze. =) Dishes work too.

Learn to flirt a bit. Make jokes about wet t-shirt contests (hey, your leaking, jokes are good!) Remember why you are together. Have someone make dinner so you don't have to. Foot massage, back massage, etc. are always welcome, and can help you get through.

Another suggestion: have someone watch the baby for awhile so you can have some time to yourself. Doesn't have to be a big deal - they can even watch while you are at your house and go take a bath. But get some time to yourself.

See if your husband can take a week off or so on FMLA. Then he can get a better taste of what you are dealing with on a day to day basis. My SO took several weeks (we saved up money to do this) - it can be taken anywhere up to a year after the birth.

And before anyone asks, yes I am breastfeeding on demand. I also donate milk to a milk bank.So, yeah I know about the hormones.

[Elizabeth]

I didn't feel like having sex for a full year after my baby was born. 9 weeks? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. My husband was also eager to get back into the swing of things but it was just not even an option for me to try until around 4 months postpartum, and then it hurt so badly (I think I tore in a weird place, internally, and it didn't heal easily) that we immediately stopped. I don't think we were "successful" having sex until 10 months postpartum!! Which at the time seemed scandalous to me but doesn't now. My "baby" is 2 years old now and things are back to normal - it was just a blip on the radar.

[Elizabeth]

Tiny, your post made me think of something - and that is, that the hormonal "cocktail" floating around in your blood after giving birth and while breastfeeding is unique. Every woman's hormonal makeup at this time is different, although there are obviously certain trends. So while that is great that you and your dh were ready to get back to an active sex life so soon, it truly isn't as easy as just flirting and having hubby do housework. I couldn't have asked more of my dh during the first year of parenting, and he took 2 weeks FMLA and worked from home much of the time for the next six months, and did MOST of the housework as well as his share of the baby care. But *my* particular hormones made desire about as likely as suddenly wanting to run a triathlon 2 weeks postpartum. I mean, there was no way I could have been convinced to have sex in the first couple of months of my baby's life, and it had nothing to do with not feeling close to or appreciative of hubby.
I really don't think these hormonal things are much under our control. No one should feel like they need to "flirt" at 2 weeks postpartum...of course if you feel like it, more power to ya!

[Anon]

I'm so glad to read these comments and find out I'm not alone. At 9 months postpartum and breastfeeding, I have zippo sex drive, and it's always been painful. I haven't gotten my period, either, and I gather that's complicating my drive too. Oh, thank you commenters!

[Battlefield 3 cdkey]

Well I can understand your problem..Here nobody is wrong,everyone is right in their own wants..It's just that your situations don't match up right now...Have patience and do cooperate with your hubby...Every woman's hormonal makeup at this time is different, although there are obviously certain trends.So there's nothing wrong with yo,its just you are not able to manage all this things at a time..

[low sex drive]

Glad to know about the opinions and experiences of the people here. Low sex drive is problem which occur due to busyness with child and stress will be cured by giving natural and herbal supplements a try.

[Charlotte Model]

Great article. I am facing many of these issues as well..