Q&A: parents sticking up for child

Eric writes:

"I am not a parent yet, but will probably become one soon. I have an question about raising children that I was hoping you could open for debate. I was fascinated by the debate over the peanut allergies on the playground, and this in a similar vein.

I regularly read Wil Wheaton's blog, and he recently had an entry called The Butterfly Tree (http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/wwdnbackup/2007/04/the_butterfly_t.html). This entry describes one of his memories, where he and his family went to a Parent's Night, where parents would come to see sort of a "school day lite". And during this, through no fault of his own, Wil gets the equivalent of his name written on the board. I hope you read the entry in full, because I'm doing a bad job of summarizing it concisely, but essentially it's about the fact that his parents didn't stick up for him when he was punished (warned or cited really) through clearly no fault of his own.

This story made me think of what I would do with my own kid, if the situation presented itself. And I have no doubt that it will. One the one hand, we can tell that this unfair incident traumatized the kid (not severely, but still), and he was unfairly punished (quote-unquote punished). If I was a kid and that happened to me, I would be very upset not only that I was a victim of an unreasonable accusation, but also that my parents didn't support me, especially when they were there to witness it. Silence gives consent. So doing nothing, you're left with the sense that your parents either approve, or are too lazy to do anything about it, that they don't care. That's nothing a parent should be known for, especially in an instance that seems to be resulting in inequitable treatment to my child. Fair's fair, and what kind of lesson am I teaching my kid by not coming to his defense when clearly he was falsely accused? I want to teach him that you should fight against things that are clearly wrong, and not just capitulate.

On the other hand, what good would a confrontation do? What would a parent say to her? What is going to be gained? We know that Mrs. Krocka is probably a witch. Either she'd argue back, or she'd acquiesce, but really, what would get done? And Wil wasn't really punished anyway. As he says, his name was right back to normal the day after (when the good teacher came back). When you're a little kid, these things that seem like a huge deal really aren't. The kid doesn't know that, but the parents do.

My wife's a teacher so I know how frustrated they get by constant barrages of ignorant parents who never think it's their fault their kid's eating crayons and not really learning anything. I would never want to aggravate a teacher in such a way because I know what they go through, and I know they're not trying to screw up my kid,they're just trying to do the best they can.

So that's the question. Should Wil's parents have gone back in and argued with the teacher, defending him against an unjust punishment, or write it off, consider it a lesson in life not always being fair. Or am I making too big a deal out of this? :)"

(He signed off with "long time reader, first time writer," which made me feel like either Mike or The Maddog. Awesome!)

It seems to me that there are a couple of elements of this situation that need to be considered separately. One is, obviously, whether the parents should have confronted Mrs. Krocka. But first, let's talk about the other element, which is how his parents acknowledged Wil's feelings. In the story they didn't. That, I feel, is the biggest mistake in this whole episode. The parents should have acknowledged Wil's feelings, even if they weren't able to stick up for him in front of Mrs. Krocka. As soon as they were out of the school building, they should have apologized for not being able to stick up for him, validated that he hadn't done anything wrong, and acknowledged that he was wronged in the situation.

It could have been a really valuable lesson to learn that sometimes you get the short end of the stick, but your parents are still there for you even when they can't change the outcome of the situation. Instead, he just felt abandoned and misunderstood. It takes so little to make kids feel understood, but it sounds like Wil's parents were just overwhelmed and didn't know how to do it.

Now, about confronting Mrs. Krocka. Technically, what should have happened is that one of the other parents should have stood up to Mrs. Krocka, pointed out that she was being really unreasonable and over-the-top, and smoothed over the situation. That way there wouldn't have been any awkwardness with Wil's parents sticking up for him, and it would have reinforced the social norm of not picking on innocent kids in the classroom. (Seriously. What was wrong with her?) We should all remember that in unfair situations the bystander has way more power to stop abuse of power than we think. Speak up if you can.

Now, should Wil's parents have spoken up for him to Mrs. Krocka? In my opinion, yes. It wasn't like he'd been doing something wrong and knew it and she just came down a little hard on him. He really did nothing and she humiliated him in front of a room full of people just because she could. The only lesson that taught him was that he couldn't count on his parents.

But I don't think we can really judge them, because it sounds like they were overwhelmed with their lives and were afraid of Mrs. Krocka. I really do think the other parents should have picked up the slack and stopped Mrs. Krocka from trampling Wil.

Opinions? Did Wil learn a valuable lesson, or was he left hanging by the adults in his life? How should his parents have handled things?

 

Comments

[MrsHaley]

It seemed to me like Will misunderstood what was going on -- especially since the other people in the room were laughing -- which could be why his parents didn't stick up for him (they didn't see it was serious to him -- perhaps they laughed too). They may have not realized he was truly ashamed AS it was happening, only after they left and he started to cry. I think appropriate way to handle it would have been what Moxie described -- an after-the-fact discussion with assurances of support and acknowledgement of injustice.

FWIW, it's pretty clear Mrs. K was using the situation to show the parents she runs a tight ship and doesn't put up with distraction in her classroom. To do so by humiliating Will is inappropriate, sure, but I doubt she was doing it maliciously. She had a lot to prove that night and he got steamrolled by her anxiety / insecurity, etc. Teachers are only human, you know? And even though "they should know better," they make child-related mistakes just like parents do. To pillory someone because they've made a relatively minor error in their professional life is overreaction. Mrs. K is, quite possibly, not a witch at all.

[Slim]

I wouldn't want to get into with the teacher in front of my child, just as I don't argue with my husband about child-rearing in front of the kids. I think a united front is important.
On the other hand, I have been in the position of explaining why Daddy and I do things differently, and I think that's helpful.
And I have disagreed with teachers -- I just do it privately.
I also wonder whether his parents did acknowledge his feelings on the way home and it didn't help. Sometimes the only thing that makes people feel validated is getting their way, and that's true for little people to.
There are times when I am acknowledging my heart out and it seems to be for naught. Maybe, somewhere, my child is feeling reassured that I understand his feelings, but what I'm seeing, so the only thing I'm sure of, is that he is still mightly pissed off.

[Shiri]

There are two issues I see here: one, Will's humiliation in front of all his classmates and their parents, and two, the abandonment he experienced when his parents did not stick up for him.

As far as the public humiliation go, I'm not sure that had Will parents stood up for him publicly, it would have rectified his humiliation. Getting into an argument with his teacher would have just made it worst, IMO.

However, his humiliation was followed by a sense of abandonment, because, as you say, there was no acknowledgment of his feelings nor an attempt to stick up for him with the teacher afterwards. That's what I would have done, and I think it would have been an easier position for the teacher as well, not having to admit her wrongdoings in front of the whole crowd.

I don't think children should be over-protected, but they should be protected. Life can be unfair, and it's an important lesson to learn, but when it's in our power to overturn an unfair situation and amend it for our child, we should definitely do so.

[kelli]

First, it should be pointed out that this was a very different time - back then, teachers actually still held a lot of a respect in their classrooms. From some of the horror stories I've heard today from the teachers I know, there is little chance of this happening in today's environment.

Back to topic - I do think the parents should have stuck up for the kid. My mom was the sort of parent who was easily intimidated by others and was always concerned with what others might think. Guess who got left hanging out in the wind? I'm not even going to go into how alone I felt during some critical events in my childhood. My mom was NOT an advocate for me.

Damn straight, I'll do it different with my own children.

[Maura]

I was lucky enough to never have an actively mean/nasty/unpleasant teacher in grade school, though I did have one heinous b***h of a nun in high school. In that situation, my mother kept trying to convince ME that she should speak with the teacher and/or principal about the situation, but I was convinced I could handle it on my own. Looking back at it I really should have let her help me, maybe I would have gotten my well-deserved A instead of the maliciously awarded B.

As for Wil's situation, it seems to me like maybe his parents DID reassure and comfort him, he admits that he doesn't really remember what they said to him, just that they didn't stand up for him in front of everyone. I do think that his parents should have spoken with the teacher afterwards, if only to show Wil that they did support him. Ultimately, though, I'm sure they handled the situation the best they could, and he himself said that this may be why he's so passionate about standing up for the weak, and that's not a bad thing, right? We all have our childhood traumas, and I think most of us will admit that on the whole they've made us stronger adults.

PS
Does anyone else find it hard to think of Wil Wheaton as anyone other than Wesley Crusher, or is that just my uber-Geek coming out?

[Katy]

Wesley Crusher was my first thought, too! Here's to geekhood!

[hedra]

I vote with 'they probably did try to talk to him and reassure him and acknowledge his feelings - but he was so stressed it DID NOT COME THROUGH'.

This is one of the points made in one of the parent-ed nights at my oldest's school. That trying to fix or teach in the midst of the emotion is unlikely to be useful. They could have lectured him, told him they would talk to the teacher, assured him that the other kids knew who the weenie was, reminded him that hey, she's not YOUR teacher, so her decisions don't count, etc., etc. but... he didn't hear it. Could NOT hear it.

In similar situations to the one described, even when my parenting has 'locked up' and I've blown it, it only takes listening, really stopping and listening, validating, and keeping our own issues out of it for them to release it and heal up over the trauma.

It is also important to teach 'the right time and place' for action. If you miss the critical immediate opening (often a GOOD idea to miss that one, since there's no time to think it through or calm down), the proper moment may have to be created or searched out. The proper moment may not even exist (that is, it may not be relevant to discuss this with Teacher Meanie from the Other Class, but will remain relevant to discuss it with the child). We're always trying to teach our kids how to identify when to act, not just WHAT to do. Timing, timing, timing! It makes a huge difference to the results.

So, yes, it is important to stand up for the kids. But standing up in the moment isn't necessarily the main point. Letting them know that you are formulating the appropriate plan of action IS (with their input - ask them what you should do, incorporate their vision... often they just need to be heard, and recognize that action isn't really required).

In that exact scenario, I'd have used my people-do (as in, tai-kwan-do, but for managing people) skills... that is, I'd have figured out a way to put the whole family's name up with the butterfly that was moved. That way the teacher's decision wasn't undermined, but by using her own 'direction' and 'force' against her, the imact of the 'blow' would be redirected and softened. The idea behind her intent (that control and comportment in the classroom is important) would not be undermined (after all, all the others should get punished, too), but the isolation and shame would be moderated.

And I'd still have talked to him again after he'd calmed down. In the moment, we know to try. We have to REMEMBER to reiterate the support later.

[Nutmeg]

I just got a long comment deleted, so I will summarize so I can eat before E wakes up from a nap.

I agree that his parents should have validated his feelings and I agree that they may have even done so, but he doesn't remember.

I learned some things from my mom growing up that she didn't realize she taught me. She was so impressed when she heard me tell her father (my beloved grandfather) that he couldn't talk to me like that after he had yelled at me while I was trying to help him sort out his medicines. He was hard of hearing and talking on the phone was difficult and he got frustrated with me and really let me have it. I very calmly told him that I was helping him the best I could and he had no right to yell at me and to please be more patient. She was really impressed with that.

She was impressed when I told my absentee, abusive, childsupport neglecting father that I was mad at him because he didn't have the money to send my mom so I could live in a house, but he had money to go to cancun with his new wife. I told him I wouldn't see him unless he stopped trying to get his lawyer to change the agreement they had.

But she taught me these things by not stepping in at every hurdle I had when I was a kid. She validated my feelings, told me she was sorry I was frustrated and then asked me what I was going to do about it. She gave me some skills to talk to adults/people in power and problems solved with me.

As a former middleschool teacher at a school where the parents were all to eager to step in and complain about the smallest problem their child was having, I Can say that many of those kids were crippled by it. I'm sure not permanently, but they were at a loss with how to deal with their problems. I understand the urge to smoothe the road for your child, but I think they would be better served by being shown how to overcome each hurdle and handle things on their own, rather than have all the obstacles removed for them.

It isn't about teaching them life isn't fair... it's about giving them the skills to handle it on their own. And starting with little things is the way to do it. I was an RA in college and you'd be suprised how many kids make it to college with their parents STILL fighting all their battles for them.... and I think that's a disservice to the kids.

[amy]

Thanks to Eric for writing in with this and thanks to Moxie for opening the topic for discussion. The other commenters have said more about the topic than I have to offer, so I'm turning my thoughts to Eric here.

I personally relate to Wil's heartache and I'm sure I have already overcompensated for my mom's distant parenting style (and lack of advocating for me) as I parent my own daughter. Though I know she's got to have room to grow up, it is hard to know when to step in and when not to and it is sad to know there will be times when I miss the crucial moment. I can be as prepared as possible, but the only way to learn this aspect of parenting is to do it again and again.

It's not perfect, but since when do parents need to be perfect anyway? ;) We try. We do our best. We love them like there's no tomorrow, and we hope it's enough.

[Paula]

I had one horrible teacher who used intimidation tactics on everyone. I was a quiet, good girl, this was in 3rd grade. Well, my mom called a meeting with this teacher and the pricipal. I was there. It was very embarassing, but the lasting impression and emotion I remember was the strength of my mom's support. So, while maybe confronting the teacher in front of everyone would have been embarassing and over-the-top, I bet Wil would have remembered feeling validated and could one day look back on it with a smile, remembering how embarassed he was but how his family let that mean teacher have it.

[Amy]

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I tried to read that post as if that were my child, and I was sitting at the back of the class, giggling with the other parents. It's quite possible that the parents had NO idea what the deal with the butterfly was, what it meant to him, and what she was even doing by moving it. He doesn't say whether he had ever told his parents about the butterflies.

Although, I also believe that the teacher shouldn't have moved the butterfly over a sibling's actions, since SHE did know what the butterfly was all about. I do think she was being a bitch.

Poor Wil. Things like that mean so much to children that age.

[jessica]

I think the major point here is that Will was HURT. Really hurt, and still to this day. By that specific situation. No other speculation needed.

While it is vital to give our children the opportunity to resolve their own problems, we need to protect them. They need a safe haven, someone they can turn to for reassurance and comfort.

From my personal experience, my parents did not stick up for me at all when I was a kid (even in some pretty heavy situations) and the end result is feelings of abandonment, alone-ness, and an erosion of confidence, compotency, and trust in the parental relationship.

Not every situation is the same and must be evaluated case by case. In Will's case, obviously something wasn't done to resolve the situation that should have been.

[Sarah]

I entirely agree that his parents should have acknowledged and validated his feelings, and that if they felt that a confrontation would be impossible or detrimental then they should have (briefly) explained that.

From my memories of childhood, it's the hurts and wrongs that I didn't understand or couldn't make sense of that lingered in my psyche until I was able to make sense of them. The hurts that were acknowledged and explained by my parents, even if my parents chose not to intervene, healed much more quickly and helped me grow in wisdom.

[RHW]

You know, I think ALL of us could come up with a story about how or why our parents disappointed us at one time or another. And I'm sure no matter how hard we all try not to, we too will disappoint and hurt our own children at some point.

I think part of becoming an adult is what you choose to do with those feelings. Do you decide to carry around anger, hurt, and hate with you? Or does there come a point in time that you accept that your parents loved you in their own imperfect way, and know that they NEVER would do anything intentionally to hurt you?

[RHW]

By the way, I really LOVED the peanut allergy postings you referenced. Too bad it's closed. If you're ever searching for a topic Moxie (HA!! As if...) I would love to see it resurrected.

[lisa]

As a parent, and also a teacher who made a kid cry today (for the equivalent of his first name on the board) I can say that a lot of adults just don't realize how devastating this kind of situation can be for a kid.

There's a few things that could have happened. For one, they probably totally underestimated how hurt Wil was. I think many adults see the tears and think that the kid is just afraid of punishment. They don't realize the stress that goes along with disappointing a parent or teacher.

Secondly, they may have been trying to be supportive of the school discipline policy--Wil acted inappropriately, he gets his butterfly moved.

I'm going to venture a guess that it didn't even occur to Wil's parents to talk to the teacher about the incident. Any adult would know that the punishment wasn't real. It wasn't Wil's fault, wasn't Wil's real teacher, and wasn't even during school hours. But a kid understand these know these things.

[lisa]

That last line should have been "But a kid doesn't understand these things." Yes, I know it's still not a proper sentence. I'm a science teacher.

[Num Num]

They should have gone back with Wil and confronted the teacher afterwards. That would have empowered them and their son. You must always try to protect your child. That's what family is for.

[Jennifer]

I don't think that I would have confronted a teacher in this situation. I agree that it is appropriate to explain to your kids that you understand that the punishment is unfair, but you need to pick your battles. If my child's well-being or future was going to be impacted, I would absolutely go to the teacher and principal. Otherwise, I think it is our job to give our kids the tools to deal with life's disappointments.

[RB]

The teacher's reaction seemed to be an insecure, immature one to me. As a teacher - and adult - you ought to have better ways of showing you are in control ("I do not tolerate blah blah in my classroom") than humiliating a young child on a special day in front of his parents. Second, Wil's parents may not have viewed the incident with the same emotional weight as Wil and so did not think the teacher ought to be confronted. That's ok, adults don't always see things the same way children do. But young Wil's impression is the one that matters here, and all his parents really had to do was reassure him - and dismissing him with "Amy has to go to bed" is not the way to do it. Finally, on a side note, there is Wil's reaction itself: the beautiful blond teacher who is nice, and the "severe" foreign one who is a witch. Hmmm. Wil-the-adult might like to do a little self-analyzing on this one as well ... esp. given that even as an adult he is obsessed with the foreign background ("maybe she is a Russian immigrant" or whatever) of this woman who seems to me to be just unpleasant, whatever her reasons. I had plenty of unpleasant teachers growing up (boarding schools in southern Africa are full of them, believe me), but I wasn't sitting around wondering condescendingly if they were that way because of where they came from.

[Kristin]

I don't really know how to weigh in on this one except to say taht I was discussing somethingsimilar with my husband: I hope to try to remember what it was like to be a little kid, when the world could come to an end if you lost the special pebble that you found at the beach. Of course, it's part of my job to guide the Boy through this so that he learns that the world will not really come to an end...but I think it's also my job to understand that at that one moment, he really feels like it will. As Moxie says, it takes so little to help a child feel understood...but what scares me is how easy it is to make a child feel misunderstood and sad. I'm terrified that my best and most loving intentions will still leave my Boy with these kinds of memories. Do any of us escape without them?

[rebecca]

To this day I remember how it felt to get called into the pricipal's office (with my father) about some dumb thing with a teacher in high school and have my dad back me. I may have felt misunderstood at points, but in my heart I didn't doubt my parents would be there for me. I have plenty of other issues though ;-)