Q&A: hand problem

Amy writes what she calls "a cautionary tale":

"My 22-month old has a serious hand obsession. I know I created this problem, but now I don't know how to fix it. When she was a few months old, she had more than the usual sleep issues, and the only way I could get her to sleep was by letting her grip my hands tightly while she drifted off. This continued, as I continued to rock her to sleep (and...I still do rock her to sleep, but that's another issue...although maybe the two are inextricably intertwined). Anyway, now hands have become her security objects. She wants "a hand" when she's in her stroller, her carseat, falling asleep, pretty much any time she gets a little bit anxious or needs security. If it were a nice, gentle hand holding thing, that would be kind of sweet and less problematic, but it's very aggressive and involved-- kneading and pinching each finger almost to the point of breaking skin, pushing back fingernails. It's really painful. I've tried to get her attached to various stuffed animals and blankets, all to no avail. Do I just go cold turkey on the hand thing and not let her hold my hands at all, or should I slowly ease her off of it, letting her hold my hand only when she's falling asleep? Or is there some other solution?  We only semi-jokingly talked about buying a prosthetic hand."<>

You have to admit, it is a little bit funny. I was feeling all cocky about what I was going to tell Amy until I got to her last sentence. "Crap," I thought. "Now I guess I can't tell her to get a prosthetic hand and try that."

In a follow-up email, Amy mentioned that her daughter still liked to be rocked and have a bottle as part of the bedtime routine, which, in conjunction with the hand thing (and I can't stop laughing thinking about a toddler holding onto a prosthetic hand to fall asleep) makes me think that her daughter needs a lot of tactile stimulation to go to sleep.

So I'm wondering if there's some way Amy can create enough tactile stimulation for her daughter to go to sleep that will also take Amy out of the loop. It would be nice if it was sustainable long-term and easily replicable when away from home.

The first thing that came to mind was a massage pad, to replicate the experience of sitting in the fancy massage chair at The Sharper Image. That would definitely give her some tactile stimulation. I don't know if you want to spend $50 to try it out, though. (It seems like a lot to spend on trying to get a toddler to go to sleep, although it seems kind of cheap if someone's going to buy that pad for me.)

A more accessible solution might be to heat one of those buckwheat pillows in the microwave to make it warm, and see if she'll hold on to that. It would be heavy and solid but pliable like a human hand, and would be nice and warm. And if she doesn't use it, at least you can use it yourself to soothe your tired, aching neck.

Or you could just go cold turkey. If you're going to do that, I'd probably keep the rocking and the bottle for the time being so everything doesn't change all at once. And if you do go cold turkey, talk about it during the day for a few days before you start. 22 months is old enough to understand that she's a "big girl" and doesn't need the hand anymore, or whatever you're going to tell her to spin it. But giving her the advance prep and the chance to talk about it for a few days is going to make it easier emotionally for her when it's gone, even if she does cry and complain.

Think about Amy's hand problem, and tell her what you can come up with.

Comments

[Maria]

There are those hand things that supposedly work for newborns who like to be held while they're asleep. I just looked them up on-line, and they're called Zaky pillows. They claim to "simulate a mother's hand" to keep a newborn asleep. Perhaps they would help with a toddler too?

[Hillary]

I read a story once in Brain, Child magazine (http://www.brainchildmag.com/) where Mom had cut her hair once and braided it. She put it away and her son found it one day. Then he wouldn't go anywhere without it—a braid of real hair.

Sorry for the side thought.

I have arthritis in my fingers and I was given a substance close to silly putty for therapy. It gets warm when you touch it and is plyable.

It might be worth it to hold a ball of it in your hand while she holds yours. See if you can get her to kneed the putty while still holding your hand? Slowly transfer the putty in her hand, and transfer your hand out??

grasping at straws

[Rachel]

I definitely think she needs a substitute of some kind. I also thought of the Zaky pillow. Or how 'bout one of those stress balls? Or check a good toy store for some goo-filled doll (like that stretch wrestling guy from the 70's). The warm putty thing sounds promising, as long as it is safe to chew on. b/c you KNOW she'll be putting it in her mouth. I would.

[Maria]

Beeswax may be a good substitute for the warm putty substance. It's nontoxic and very soothing to knead, and gets more pliable as it warms up.

[hedra]

Flashing back to my oldest needing me to hold his foot for him to fall asleep...

Two thoughts - 1) you're in a fussy stage/developmental leap period, so the intensity of the need may drop slightly in a few weeks. Better to try to wean her off as the need DROPS, rather than at the peak annoyance time. 2) Manipulatives and/or OT/PT may help.

On item 2: My kids all have sensory issues of some sort or another. One of the kids (B) is hyposensitive to a lot of stimuli, and so seeks these stimuli excessively in order to get a 'normal' level of brain stimulation on those systems. There are specific exercises that really help for this, and an OT evaluation may help you find out what exactly your child would benefit from. I'm thinking about the tactile pads that were available at the Baby Dagny site, not sure if they still have them. Basically, they're an envelope of clear material, witha fabric frame, and inside the pillow are a variety of small toys mixed in with some kind of bead material. The child pokes and prods the packet to have different things come to the front.

You might be able to create a similar item using that new moldable beads material (looks like styrofoam beads in colored glue, pliable and doesn't dry out). Stick a handful of it with some dollar-store plastic toys in a freezer-strength plastic ziploc, and see what happens. The activities she seems to be seeking have to do with small motor systems (the pinching and pushing), with force/effort. Something challenging and rewarding like that might work as an alternate.

That said, one of the ways we get B to slow down on his sensation-seeking is by stimulating OTHER systems fully. So, if he's body slamming everyone (because he is desperate for that sensation and so little makes it through the weaker channels in his brain), swinging on the swings REALLY high, or being dragged on a blanket around the house (faster=>better), or jumping on a trampoline, or being rubbed with tube socks inside out, or having his joints pulled and compressed (like in massage - draw hands down the limb, stretching it out a bit, then push the limb back 'up/together'), all can really help. When done regularly, the desperate sensation seeking drops to a really managable level. When (as has happened the last week or two) the outlets get buried (put some stuff on the indoor trampoline, dangit!), we end up spending a few days going 'GAH! WHY ARE YOU GUYS SO NUTS ALL OF A SUDDEN????!!!!' before we do the head-smack and realize we've not been letting them balance their sensory systems. Sigh.

Those are my thoughts. Usually, kids will do annoying or unsafe variations of the behaviors they SHOULD be doing to balance their sensory inputs. If you find the core body system involved, and find a safer alternative, you'll help both of you. Jumping like crazy on the bed? They need to JUMP, find a way for them to do it safely. Wrestling or squashing each other under sofa cushions? Doing cushion sandwiches with someone lying on top for weight (under parental supervision) may actually help.

Good luck! M is my pincher/poker, and she'll pry at my fingernails, bend my fingers back, etc., etc. But she's not quite as obsessed with it as your child, so I've found that a few manipulative objects have helped a bit. And I very nearly bought her some of those window-toys from Dagny, but talked myself out of them for some reason. Still thinking I should have bought them anyway. (Now, watch, I'll discover they weren't at Dagny but somewhere else...)

[Valerie]

My son, who is now 4.5 and weaned, needed to 'twiddle' the other breast while he nursed. It seemed, at first, to bring him such comfort that I did not initially stop him. After he was about 2, maybe 26-27 months, I had had just about as much twiddleing as I could possibly stand. My mother gave him a little teddy bear while we were visiting her, and I started giving him that for his other hand and telling him 'one at a time'. He could nurse as much as he wanted, but he could only have one at a time; and if he needed something to hold I gave him the bear. He got board with the bear after a few days, at the time his only comfort object was me despite other errorts on my part, but the 'one at a time' worked.

All this is to say, perhaps you could say something like 'only gently' and let her have some hand, but only if she holds it gently.

I hope you can find a solution. I completely understand how you found yourself in this situation. It's incredibally hard to withold things that bring such comfort to our children. Good luck.

[Sally]

Maybe she could get her to transfer her attachment to her own hands. If she could clasp her hands tightly and play with her own fingers it might meet the same need, but take you out of the loop.

My oldest has always had a thing about hair. As soon as he could reach for things he started holding and rubbing my hair between his fingers whenever he was stressed or nursing or falling asleep. It was cute the first month or so but then he got stronger and more aggressive. It hurt! Every time he reached for my hair, I put moved his hand to his own hair. It felt the same to him, more or less, and eventually he started playing with his own hair (gently!) to self soothe. I know a 22 month old isn't as easy to redirect as a 5 month old, but maybe something similar could work.

[Lisa]

An inexpensive thing to try would be a rice-filled glove. (modified from the rice-filled sock we made in birthing class)

The rice-glove can be microwaved to warm it up, and it would be interesting to feel, and would have appendages to fiddle with. Just be sure to securely close the glove by sewing it shut or somesuch.

Good luck!

[Kristin]

I had a similar problem but it was with my daugther pinching moles on my stomach, it started when she was nursing and just comtinued. I was able to 'talk' her out of it, she was about 2. We cut it to storytime and bedtime. She still sneaks her hand into my shirt when she can but I tell her it's just for storytime.

[Charisse]

Hmmm...I'd suggest treating it very much like weaning from the breast of bottle, the salient point being that you may need to think about each situation separately, and it may take time.

If you can address a particular context or time of day, one at a time, you can reduce the frustration and then get all the way there in time. Some analogies from weaning (which I did at 23 mos):

fancy, decorated big girl sippy cup=fancy, decorated rice glove (love it, Lisa!) --let her help make it, and make it a privilege, as in "hey, we're going in the stroller, let's get your big girl hand for you you to hold!!!"

avoiding nursing situations = avoiding hand situations (ride differently, different chair at bedtime, whatever)

alternative rewards =, well alternative rewards. I offered my toddler a chocolate chip instead of incidental nursings, i.e. not "usual" times. For random "hands" is there something really desirable and small she could have?

Big age for stickers, too--we used them a lot in the 20s (months) for "do you need a special sticker to help you through this without a meltdown?"...and we kept really extra fancy ones for the purpose (in our case, these lifelike, 3D butterfly and dragonfly ones)

Finally, I wrote Mouse a weaning book with pictures and little poems, each about a different situation in which a baby might nurse, giving cool big-kid alternatives for each situation.

It helped to go one nursing at a time, like I said--and if you're not absolutely at the end of your rope, I'd recommend it here too. Figure bedtime will be last and hardest (sigh) and start with the stroller or the carseat...once you get 1-2 weeks past one of them, figure you're solid and move on to the next.

Best of luck to you, I wish I could send you to a hand spa right this minute!!

[pnuts mama]

ohmygod i am so in love with that glove idea. that is awesome.

my only thought was a dolly that she might like with cloth hands? my 22 month old (when did that happen!?!) is just getting into a stage of "taking care of baby" and she "nurtures" (i put in quotes because sometimes nurture=throws) her baby and her stuffed kitty with one of her own old blankies. anyway, perhaps she could use a dolls hand? i, too, feel as though i am grasping at straws. mostly cause i am in love with that glove idea. good luck!

[Natalie]

My 21-mo. old son thinks my arms are his comfort objects, and won't fall asleep unless one is draped across his middle and he is holding on to my wrist.

About 8 months ago, he started scratching my arm lightly, and rubbing it, too. He did this even while he was asleep, and wouldn't let me have my arm back. This started to really hurt, like my nerve endings were just worn out or something! I would take my arm away as soon as he would start the scratching and rubbing and tell him he couldn't have it back until he kept his hands still because he was hurting me.

It took a week or two and a lot of tears, but he finally stopped the scratching and rubbing. And now he still wants my arm, but he keeps his hands still. Sometimes he taps my arm lightly with his fingers, but that is not painful or annoying, and it usually signals that his tummy isn't quite full enough to get a good night's sleep.

I don't mind so much that he needs my arm for comfort, as long as he knows not to make it uncomfortable for me.

[Amy]

What about an EMPTY glove that *you* wear? Put the glove on your hand (she can't bend your fingernails back, etc) for awhile ... than slowly try easing it off your hand so the fingertips are empty, then finally giving her the glove without your hand in it. At least that way, it's still your hand (just covered by material), you can also grasp onto her if she needs it, it feels like something alive (rather than the stuffed hand idea) ... and if it works, it'll be easy to wash it if you need to (though these little noses detect *any* change, don't they?). You could even try one made ot of that zuper soft, fuzzy microfiber, which would give her something to pick at, and get more than one, in case one gets lost. Good luck! I hope you followup and tell us what succeeded, I would love to know. (And something *will* eventually succeeed!)

[Denise]

Wow, you're all so creative! My littlest one is 2 1/2, and she has a hair fixation. She twirls my hair around her fingers when she needs some comfort and when she's tired. She is teething, big back teeth, and needs some extra comfort right now - but I need my head back!

She twists it up until it snarls and her little fingers are stuck to my head! We are slowly kicking the habit but she will accept no substitutes for my head - she is not fooled by any dolls, furry puppies, or stringy things.

So far all that is working (and working with little or no stress for either of us) is to slowly reduce the places where she can play with my hair. We started with 'no hair at playgroup' and 'no hair in the shop'. She lets go the minute we walk in the door and reaches up again the minute we are out, but in between she is fine. I talk about it ad nauseum before shopping and playgroup, to the point that she now reminds me 'no hair in the shop mama' as we go in.

Also she now has a ponytail on top of her head and she is starting to go for that instead.

My eldest is 5, and she likes earlobes, specifically other people's. When they are both sitting on my lap in the evenings, I feel like a baboon mama - hair ears hair ears pull pull pull.

What has worked best is to draw the line when I am uncomfortable - I say 'be gentle or let go'. If they are not gentle enough I just get up and move away. It makes them mad at first but they always come back for a second more gentle attempt.

The whole thing is pretty funny, really.

[Amanda]

What if you held one hand of a favorite bear and your kid held the other hand? It would take some talking up, but eventually you could let go of your side of the bear. In theory...

[LC]

All your children are so young. I hope someone can advise me: My son just turned 8. He rubs my arms and my husband's arms whenever he's tired or seeking comfort, or whatever. He just can't seem to stop touching and rubbing us. Holding my hand would be great but he won't do that. The rubbing irritates my skin and he's been told this. He can't seem to stop. He's a smart, confident child but doesn't seem to understand when we casually push his hand away or nicely ask him to stop. This "tick?" is driving us batty. Is there something we're missing here? How do we get him to stop?

[Angee]

I have a two and a half year old baby girl. I have a weird issue with her. She still sucks her pacifier at night when she's falling asleep,and when she's upset she needs it.My issue is why everytime she puts the paci in her mouth she has to rub my skin it can be my arm,back,leg,face,anything that is skin she has to rub when she has paci in her mouth please tell me why..thanks!

[Air Conditioning in South Florida]

I had a similar situation.. Yuo could try something like a toy, a blanket or even better a bitting gel with shapes..
My son was always trying to bit my hand.. that was his way to calm down.. I got a key form gel and he didn't like it at first.. but now.. it's a way to control stresful situations.