Q&A: gropey baby

S writes:

"My son is 18 months old and was weaned at 14 months. My problem is that whenever he sits in my lap he tries to play with my breasts. Also, when he drinks milk, he likes to sit in my (or my husband's or babysitter's) lap and relax by touching on my breasts or sticking his arm down my shirt and just resting it there. I guess this started back when he was nursing and would touch one breast while nursing from the other. I don't mind when he rests his head or hand on them to rest, but he actually has to fluff them like pillows before he does so. This behavior makes me very uncomfortable and I don't know how to get him to stop. Any advice?"

Oh, this question made me laugh out loud. File it under "It's funny because it's true." I remember sitting around at playgroup when my older son was this age, talking about how supremely annoying the groping was. It's just so undignified. One of my friends who adopted her daughter as a 9-month-old used to say, "I never even nursed her! Why is she so into my breasts?!"

I think they do it because a) they're there, and b) breasts are fun and comforting. If they weren't, no one would go to Hooters. Or put carvings of women on the prows of ships.

It doesn't really matter why they do it, though, when you're trying to get them to stop. Probably your best bet is to redirect his attention or distract him with something else. Maybe he wants a nice strand of Mardi Gras beads (just to go along with the showing your breasts theme) to hang onto while he nurses. Or a soft stuffed animal, or set of keys to jangle, or something like that. Anything else he'll hold onto that isn't you is going to make things easier for you.

Would anyone else like to commiserate or reminisce about the groping thing?

Comments

[flea]

My daughter developed the habit of putting a finger in my bellybutton while nursing at about a year old. Now 3 and a half and weaned for more than a year, when she's really upset or tired she asks for belly button.

My 9 month old son has a fascination with my belly button too - his fingers wander there sometimes when he nurses. He also plays with the other nipple, or pulls off and plays with the nipple he's nursing on, sometimes. I think some of this is to stimulate let-down now that he's older and my supply is not as vigorous as it once was. I wonder if the breast-play is partly a biological instinct for this reason; I have heard a lot of nursing moms talk about nipple-pinchers or breast-players, and it does seem to produce let-down. (Obviously annoying when you are no longer nursing, and even annoying when you are nursing!)

I can't explain the belly button thing. I must just have some magic in there.

[SJ]

I stopped nursing my (almost 2) son at about 8 months - but in the last few months he started sometimes putting his hand down my shirt to touch my breasts when he is upset/agitated. If we are home I don't make an issue of it (it doesn't usually last very long and it is clearly a self-soothing thing) - he will also do that to my husband's chest (less frequently) where it sometimes turns into pulling the hairs on his chest (ow!).
In public I just gently move his hand to the outside of my shirt above my breasts and give him a big hug and whisper "I love you", Mama's here, etc - to give him some other comfort. he is a very tactile child so I do think part of it is making a physical connection to a hardwired "safe place", so I also try to stroke his hair or cheek to give him that comfort.

[hedra]

I have:

1 face-presser (cheek to breast) who also likes to poke fingers into fluffy-belly (ah, twin skin, joy.)
1 'twiddler' (nipple-twister)
1 skin pincher
1 must-body-hug-both-bbs-to-feel-satisfied

Sigh. The face-presser STILL, at 9 years old, wants to put his cheek on my chest when he's feeling either agitated or very loving. Fortunately, he's just at the height where that doesn't take rearranging anything, and he can do it with some discretion. He's vaguely aware of the limits I put on this over time. 1) no attempts to remove my shirt to do so; 2) no hands inside my shirt (even around my back or on my belly) in the process; 3) Socially acceptable and functionally reasonable timing; 4) if you pester me about it, or if anything about it irritates me, the answer is NO. Sigh. At least he's learned the limits. He was 3 1/4 when he weaned, so it isn't like he didn't get them enough! He still likes to poke his fingers into my belly, as well, but that at least doesn't have any 'meaning' in adult behaviors.

The twiddler has had a harder time learning the limits, but fortunately, he seems to have transferred most of the twiddling/twisting thing to his own parts. That's juuuuust fine with me at least now that he's not nursing. Granted, he also used to try to get his hand in his diaper while nursing, so I guess that wasn't much of a stretch (and you can guess how happy I was with the idea of a toddler nursing with his hand jammed down the front of his diaper! Um, ickies!).

The other two are still nursing. The pincher still pinches. And while I've never directly noticed the twiddling affecting my letdown (poking, yes, twiddling, no), the pinching for some reason really does seem like a letdown switch for me. Go figure. The 'MINE ALL MINE' thing with the other is I think just a 'I'm a twin and I want to be the ONLY BABY' reaction.

Ah, well. They do learn limits eventually, especially if the answer is much like with biting - you do it, I'm sorry but I put you down immediately. The point gets across fast. I didn't try to set the limit too harshly at that age (more of a 'manners' focus - we don't do that here, if you want to touch is has to be like X, etc.).

I think there's something about the 18-month phase that makes it extra annoying, either it resurges or the total sum of the irritating behaviors makes it seem worse. And the 20-22 month one, it returns again. I made a nursing necklace for that age with the twins. Used it for a few weeks before the behavior waned again.

I'm a bit patient with the behavior because I remember doing some of that myself. And knowing that it was totally innocent, and even at the toddler-minimum-awareness level, asexual. The closest I can get to a comparable behavior, internally, is humming or swinging one's feet when sitting on a stool. They're non-conscious, comfortable, comforting behaviors. We eventually learn when it is appropriate to hum to ourselves, too.

[Maria]

Oh, yes. My dd loves to play with a mole I have between my breasts, and it gets quite sore. I frequently cover it up with my other hand, but then I start feeling really trapped because I'm holding her with one arm and protecting my mole/other nipple with the other, and it's frustrating. Maybe a 'nursing necklace' would have helped if I'd gotten her interested in it before the mole became such a love interest, but now I think it's too late – or at least I'm not likely to have the persistence to transfer her focus. When nursing or bottling they get so transfixed and meditative, the groping is like rosary beads or something.

[Catherine]

I'm a childcare worker and kids that have NEVER been breastfeed and haven't ever met me before get a little grabby at snack time.

I think it's instinctive and convenient. They don't call them fun-bags for nothing!

[giddy]

This is a bit off-topic, as my daughter hasn't groped much since weaning at 19 months, and in the first few months after she was weaned she didn't act like she wanted to nurse or mention it or anything, but at about 23 months, whenever she sees me changing clothes she gets a gleam in her eye and she says, "nurse?" I can't get over how they remember.....

But to a certain extent, I think she is just showing off vocabulary, because then she goes off about "breastseses" and "the bra" and once, when I was explaining how I was "putting my breasts in my bra to help hold them up" she looked at me quizzically and inquired, "And Mama, you put your penis in too?" Now she knows better....

And forgive me, but I have to share one more. Just this weekend, she took a (wrapped) tampon out of the cabinet and asked what it was. I told her, "that's a tampon." She said, "no it's not, it's a lollipop!"

[Another Erin]

My six m.o. has recently gotten very interested in the breast qua breast - she likes to sit in my lap, facing my boobs, and pat, stroke, and otherwise grope my nipples, reaching in every now and then for a little suck. I've gotten her to hold onto a necklace or clothing while nursing, but this seems to be a whole 'nother level of "appreciation."

[Liza]

My 15 month old is belly-button obsessed (mine), especially when he's almost done nursing. I'm not looking forward to the groping expansion.

[Reese]

I am SO glad to hear that other kids do this!!! My daughter started this at 13/14 months when she was weaned and is still doing it now at 16 months. And to everyone! Me, her Grandmother, Aunt, her nanny, my husband... I don't mind it much when we're at home, but she does it when I pick her up from Sunday School or when we're in the store or a restaurant. *sigh* How in the world do I get her to stop?

[Cat, Galloping]

I'll just add that I stopped nursing at four weeks and my 18-month-old is touching my breasts and reaching into my shirt all the time lately!

[Jane Plane]

My oldest went through a hand-down-the-shirt phase, I really thought it was more unique than it (apparently) is! It was also a few months after he had self-weaned.

It was okay with me for awhile, say, age 18-24 months or so, but when he turned two, I gave him two days' notice that it wasn't going to be okay to put his hand down Mama's shirt anymore. It had gotten to the point where he would freak out if I asked him to stop, or gave him alternatives like holding my hands or holding a stuffed toy. We talked about how it was almost done a lot over those two days, then when the day came, he tried a couple of times, but was okay with stopping, and didn't ask past that day.

Then he fixated on a mole on my face that he liked to stroke while drifting off to sleep at naptime, or when he was feeling insecure. I let him do that for awhile unless he was hurting me, or unless he got too obnoxious with demanding "MY MAMA'S MOLE!" And it eventually went away.

[Shiri]

My now-3.5 used to put his hand inside my shirt long after I weened him off the breast at 1.3. He would do it to his part-time nanny AND to the girls at his daycare afterwards. When I finally managed to get into his head that he shouldn't do it (by repeatedly taking his hand out of my shirt) he started putting his hand... in his own shirt. He still does sometimes. That's my sign that he's really tired.I actually think it's cute.

My 1.4 is being weened as we speak. He had the nasty habit of pinching the nipple he was not currently eating from. NOT FUN. I'm still waiting to see which breast-related habits he will develop post-weening.

[Alison S]

My daughter was weaned at just gone 2, is now 9, and still very occasionally tries to put her hand under my top if she's tired and feeling very cuddly. When she was 3 or 4, she did it very often. Interestingly, my older daughter, who self-weaned at 14 months, never did it once. I think I'd be more ill at ease with it now if she were a boy, actually.

[amy]

My daughter never nursed either, but even at 2.9 years old, she is still fascinated. She will sit facing me in my lap, pat my breasts, and say "You got BREASTS!" as if she's saying "What a cute haircut!" Sheesh.

I wonder - what would happen if the distraction toy were soft and squishy, like a squeezy stress ball, instead of something hard and rattle-y?

[Sarah]

After I weaned my daughter at 20 months she was still "gropey." One day in a moment of frustration I said something like "you have your own" and that was the end of it...but it was the beginning of her using her own nipples (well, one in particular, now called "big nurse") to comfort herself. She is three now and doesn't do it as much but when she is stressed or sleepy the hand goes down her own shirt.

I found that the more I swatted her hand away, etc, the more she groped.

Maybe if there are times he IS allowed, like right before bed for a minute, then he wouldn't be as compelled the rest of the time...?

[pnuts mama]

heeheehee, it is amazing how many of us experience the same thing at the same time, pnut just started this a few weeks ago too! (at about 20 months) and she self-weaned at about 18mos. the other day i thought she was going to try and nurse when i was cuddling her in a tank top and i thought to myself 'good luck finding anything in there, kiddo' but she didn't. i've been calling her grabby mcgropester when she shoves her arm down my shirt and fishes around- lets just say there isn't much left to find in there. when she tried to pinch my nipple as an infant i would immediately say "no, that hurts mommy" and put her down. she caught on pretty quickly thank god.

the mole comments made me laugh, too. i have one on my shoulder that pnut is FASCINATED with- whenever i have a sleeveless shirt on she loves to play with it (what the ???) and my everloving and hysterical husband taught her to say "mol-e mol-e mol-e" a-la austin powers 3. fantastic.

[ikate]

My daughter (7 months), while not weaned or a groper, loves to grab my nose or chin while nursing. As soon as she lays back, the hand goes up and if I'm sitting so she can't reach it she pulls off and fusses. Even during her night feeding, when she's half asleep. It's incentive to keep those nails trimmed bcause the other night she put a big scratch down the side of my nose!

[S.]

This topic is very timely for us. Our 8 month old foster daughter who has never been nursed before (we've had her since birth) has suddenly devoloped a fascination with my breasts. It's been going on for several weeks now and I was really starting to get concerned. I'm glad to hear that she's being normal. It is a little awkard in public for us because it is VERY clear that she is not biologically my child. I get a lot of "does she breastfeed?" looks from curious strangers as I pull her groping hands and face out of my shirt. I guess I have many more months of this to look forward to before she outgrows this stage.

[RHW]

When my son was about 18 months, I was in the shower and he was pitching a fit in the next room (my husband was with him). When the water turned off, all I could hear was screaming and I thought he might have hurt himself, so I came running out without even grabbing a towel. My son caught a look at me, immediately stopped crying, and said, "Aaaaaaaaaah.... Booobies!" And that was the end of the tantrum. It has made me seriuosly consider ripping off my shirt when he's having a tantrum in public...

[Amy]

Hedra, I'm so glad to hear you have a 9 yr old with a continued attachment to your breasts because I have a 7 yr old who still likes to "caress" them (for lack of a better term). He does it as he hugs me and it's just part of the general touchiness we have, but it is uncomfortable in the sense that at his age it feels inappropriate. If he were stroking my back or arm it wouldn't bother me... but my breasts, at his age... it creeps me out a little. My normal reaction is to remove his hand and remind him that it's inappropriate. If he's feeling cheeky, this just leads to his trying to touch them again. But if he's genuinely looking for comfort, he'll desist and just snuggle into the hug.

He's also requested to nurse when the baby gets here. I realize this is a jealousy issue... but I suspect my breasts are going to get an awful lot of attention (both wanted and unwanted) in the coming months!

[Deborah]

My daughter was just over 2 yo when we adopted her this past December. She is totally into my breasts. At first it freaked me out (she is our first child) but everyone I know with kids (bio or adopted) has had the same experience. Now I just say "those are my breasts and I get to choose who touches them." Doesn't stop her, but seems to give me a bit of my dignity back (when she's doing it in public).

[Summer]

I went to a fundraiser at a restaurant last night, standing near the bar talking to a friend, when I had to turn around and sharply say, "dude, get your hand off my butt."

I was talking to my four year old son.

[Summer]

I went to a fundraiser at a restaurant last night, and was standing near the bar, talking to a friend, when I had to turn around and sharply say, "dude, get your hand off my butt."

I was talking to my four year old son.

[Charisse]

Hee. My 3-yo doesn't grab my breasts (then again I don't have much to grab!!) but we were changing clothes together a couple weeks ago and she said "oh mommy, that's where I used to nurse"...and I said "that's right"...and she said in this chirpy little voice, "but now it's small!". I weaned her just before her second birthday. Lord.

[Caroline]

My daughter (almost 3), who was hardly breastfed at all, is really into figuring out the difference between breasts and nipples, and asks for clarification with some frequency. Which leads to her proclaiming in public "the big ones are called breasts and the little ones are called nipples!"

And she's SO into the fact that everyone has them.
6 months ago, when we were living in the famously gay Castro neighborhood in San Francisco, we came across some sort of safe sex ad with two shirtless men. "BOTH got Nipples!" was her proud proclamation there.

The thing I can't stand, though, is having kids lift your damn shirt and show off your not-so-toned tummy. No, no, no.

[bridget]

My son is constantly patting my breasts and saying "milk" "baby" "empty" over and over again. He's 22 months and weaned at 18 months. He started doing it after seeing his little cousin nurse but now he does it all the time.

[Marsha]

My 7 month old daughter also gropes my face when nursing. Hard. Like she's trying to take my nose or chin off my face for her to play with later. A few days ago she actually fell asleep after nursing with her hand in the air. It's amazing how long she kept it upright and poised for the grab as she was dozing off.

[Anne]

RHW – ROFL! I have a similar story and will be making a mental note about using that little trick the next time we are out and a meltdown is in progress.

As far as the groping goes, by son recently began wanting to put is index finger in my mouth to suck on. This is put to a quick end by a little “bite” (wouldn’t even call it that really he get a bit of teeth) a shake of my head, and some raised eyebrows saying no. He thinks it’s funny and usually smirks but withdraws his finger.

[Donna Bowman]

Hey Moxie! I tagged you for a Thinking Blogger Award. Go to my May 3 entry at the URL associated with this comment to read all about it.

Thanks for being a great read!

[Menita]

My two year old, who was never breast fed (I pumped like a demon) developed a fascination with my breasts at about 20 months. She would come up to me as we played on the floor, cup her hands around my breasts, give a good squeeze, laugh hysterically and walk away. I have no idea what that was about, but it stopped about two months later.

[goodthingscomin]

My son did that till he was about 20 months old. I'd be holding him in my arms and he'd stick his hand down my shirt and rest his hand between my breasts. He even did this to my best girlfriend at the time. Breasts were a source of food and comfort for him for such a long time that I believe it was a way for him to feel a bit of comfort, kind of like a "lovie."

So, speaking of lovies, maybe it's time to introduce your son to a cuddle toy of some kind? A stuffed animal (make sure to find one that he likes and then go buy numerous ones) or a durable little kid-sized blanket. When he does those things that make you uncomfortable, hand him the item of choice and encourage that. Be sure to TELL him (even if he doesn't understand) that he shouldn't do that, but he can cuddle with you AND the new comfort item.

[Colleen]

When I was in college, I babysat a little boy from age 14-18months. Everytime he'd get hurt, or tired, or frustrated (all three seem to happen all the time at this age), he slip his hand into my shirt and cup my breast as I held him to comfort him. Wigged-me-out the first time he did it until his mom called part-way through and said, "oh! I forgot to tell you something that he might do...". Turns out that she nursed him until he was about 12 months old and that his continuing source of comfort from women was to snake his little hand into the bra and hold onto a boob (like he might do with that arm while nursing). Thankfully no playing, poking, or pinching occurred. :) But no woman who tried to comfort him was safe! :D

[mercybuttercup]

Oh my god, thank you - there's one thing to cross off the "Is my kid a freak?" list. He's 2 1/2, weaned since 22 months, and very verbal. And very LOUD. So I get experiences like: Lying on bed reading after mild disagreement with toddler. Suddenly feel tiny fists grabbing a couple handfuls while a voice announces, "I'M MAKING UP WITH YOUR BOSOMS MOMMY." No, honey, you're really not.

The somewhat embarrassing part is that this only started after I bought my first post-baby flattering bras. I'm not sure whether I should be embarrassed about the fact that I spent nearly a year so shapeless that he forgot to be fixated, or that my new pretty bras are completely irresistible... to my son. Definitely a little embarrassed about something though.

[theresa]

Thank you, thank you. My adopted, never breastfed son still does this, and he is almost five. Not often, but just tonight, while we were in a restaurant eating dinner. I am relieved to hear that this is normal and that it is not unique to breastfed kids.
I'll have to pay more attention to the situational context. I know that tonight he was tired and he had not seen much of me all day as I had been working on a project all afternoon while he gallivanted with his dad. So perhaps it's a way to comfort himself.

[Kate]

My son's 27 months, still nursing, and definitely uses The Nur* as comfort. His hand snakes into my shirt when he's feeling overwhelmed, particularly in a crowd (perfect!).

He's not a twiddler or a pincher, thank goodness, though he likes to point at and touch the mole between my boobs and often pats one breast when he's nursing the other.

He uses my hair as a lovey though. He holds onto it while nursing, when he's falling asleep, when I'm carrying him... All attempts to substitute something else (even my cut-off braid) have failed.

* Two are nurse; one is a nur.

[Renaissance Mom]

My 2 year old daughter has been weaned since 15 months. She never had a pacifier, but whenever she wants security, she'll suck her bottom lip and start groping my chest. I've tried to get her to put her arms around my neck or something less uncomfortable, but nothing seems to work.

[Marie]

my 4yr old daughter has been weaned since 16 mo and immediately picked up a habit of sucking her bottom lip and pinching herself or whomever she is around and she only pinches the skin in the corner of the underarm....and she doesn't do one without the other...this is how she calms herself and it is obviously very relaxing to her....

[buy generic cialis]

My 2 year old daughter has been weaned since 15 months. She never had a pacifier, but whenever she wants security, she'll suck her bottom lip and start groping my chest. I've tried to get her to put her arms around my neck or something less uncomfortable, but nothing seems to work.

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[karri]

Omg.I feel so much better..I thought this was not normal..my 3 year old son breastfed till 9 months.Then I weened him off,then he went to daycare and she gave him the pacifer,which we hated..that went on for about a year and a half,then we made him go cold turkey..then one day he sat on my lap lifted my shirt and began rubbing my breast.now when he is tired,fustrated or just wants comfort he comes and puts his hand in my shirt..now he says mom big boob,that means he wants the whole breast out so he can touch the nipple and rub the side of the breast..and when I say no or remove his breast he goes mental and goes right back to it,them looks up at me and smiles and says my boob,mommy..and when my husbands hears him say that he says no son,its daddys boob..ugh

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