Q&A: baby too distracted to eat

Sarika writes:

"My 5.5 month old baby boy is very naughty. It is very difficult to bottle feed him when he is awaken.

He started playing with bottle or me or the things nearby.So, most of the time we offer feed to him when he is in sleep.

Even he takes very less quantity of formula hardly 2-2.5 ounce in the interwal of 3to4 hours.

I am a working lady and always worried about his diet.

Recently, I have heard that it is not good to feed baby in sleep. Please suggest.

His weight is 6 k.g. Otherwise he is active and normal. We haven't started solids yet."

Oh, no! Your baby is NOT naughty. No baby that young is bad or naughty or doing anything wrong at all. He's just doing what he's supposed to be doing developmentally at that age. Yes, it's a huge pain for you, but there's nothing wrong with him.

This is actually really, really common, and I'm betting everyone's reading this and thinking about how frustrating that stage was. You finally feel like you're getting the hang of the eating thing, and suddenly the baby just won't do it because the world is just too! exciting! It can make you feel enraged with frustration and scared that you're doing something very wrong that's making him not eat like he was.

The solution is, of course, to try to stuff enough food into him in a dark room with no stimulation, or at night. Yes, this is extra trouble for you. Yes, you're going to lose a little sleep. But the good news is that in a few months it'll flip back around and your baby will be eating during the day again. There are no adults who are so distracted by the world that they don't eat during daylight, so your son will get there, too. The tough task is to maintain your sanity until he stops his nocturnal feasting.

As long as he's not sick (mood is fine, is engaged with you, normal diapers), he won't let himself dehydrate or starve. The only bad thing about feeding at night is that it makes you tired, but it's fine for him.

Please, I beg of you (and this is everyone, not just Sarika), don't start ascribing negative characteristics to your baby. Your baby is only doing what he needs to to get his needs met. Right now his need for stimulation is greater than his need for food. That shifts all the time. But if you start to think of your child as "naughty" or "a troublemaker," you're going to turn him into one. All he wants is to be loved and cared for. Your only job is to be steady and consistent and loving, and realize that sometimes babies do things that annoy us (or make us think we're going to lose it completely) but it's not a big plot to get us. It's just their normal process of development. You and your baby are partners together in helping him grow up healthy and trusting and bonded.

Comments

[Jillian]

Just a love note, early mothers' day note to Moxie and all the readers who write in... I am especially reminded from the tone of your response in this q at how loving and thoughtful and generous you are with your time and resources. I send extra-special thanks to you and to your reading community for honestly helping me to be a better mother. Thank you so much and happy early mothers' day. {{hugs}}

[Kate]

Just another vote for "it's a phase" and to hang on. My (breastfed, but it sounds remarkably similar) son was impossible to nurse at 8-9 months because my daughter (2 years older) was Just!So!Interesting! Any noise or move she made--even in another room--was the end of a nursing. He made do with these brief "snacks" and made up for it with many, many night nursings.

Thankfully, the phase passed, and he got better at tuning her out when he's truly hungry or tired. (Plus he's almost 13 months so eating a lot more solids.)

Courage!

[Valerie]

I just want to echo Jillian. Thank you, Moxie, and all the people who comment, for this wonderful service that you provide parents. I don't comment often myself because I read at work, but I have found your advice invaluable, and I point my friends here when they have parenting questions. I'm sure this takes quite a bit of your personal time with your family, that you have even less of now, thank you for contiuing.

[Leslie]

Thank you, Moxie, for this post. I've been having a really difficult time getting my six month old to nurse and feel as though I'm constantly frustrated with her. I know I need to just take a breath and recognize that she isn't doing this to annoy me. It is always nice for the reminder, though. Ask Moxie is my first internet stop of the day.

[Jane Plane]

It can't be that the only solution to distraction during eating is to go to night feeding, because although both of my kids went through a distracted phase, they never ended up eating more at night (and I never even considered it! I was sleep-deprived enough as it was...).

So along with just going to night feedings, I would also suggest making sure that feeding happens away from as many distractions as possible, so, Sarika, if you have been feeding him on the couch, or on your lap at the table, instead feed him in a darkened room just the two of you (or whoever is giving him the bottle).

Maybe Sarika can also let him help hold the bottle so he can turn his head and the bottle will stay with him.

It's funny, my kids were both breastfeeding at this age, and I always thought bottle feeding might be easier at this intensely distractable time. Perhaps not!

[flea]

I don't think babies have a big plot to get us (though I distinctly recall telling my husband once that I was sure my then 9 month old was trying to kill me, via sleep deprivation torture.)

My three year old, on the other hand? She is SO in on the plot. I think she wrote the plot, and co-opted all the other kids. ;-)

[marshaniemeijer]

My 7 month old daughter gets distracted both at breast when I'm home and with bottle when I'm not. She used to drink 10-12oz while I was gone, but now the sitter is lucky if she can her to drink 6oz during that whole period. On those days she definitely catches up at night (we cosleep).

In terms of breastfeeding, I've started nursing her lying down in the bedroom and given my partner strict orders not to disturb us. I wish I could give the same orders to birds outside, our kids, the kids who play in the yard outside our window, the phones and so forth, but mostly she's focused.

Alas, no good ideas on how to get her more focused with a bottle. If anyone does have good ideas, I'd love to hear them too.

Although I also agree with Moxie and others--it seems to be a phase and other than me losing some extra sleep after my three days out of the house each week, she's thriving nonetheless, so I'm not worried.

[Arwen]

You might also try the equivalent of one of those nursing necklaces that moms wear to keep babies focused on the breast: some kind of small toy that will be very interesting to him and that he can play with while he eats.

Moxie, I really like your reminder that babies being babies is not a negative thing. This can be really easy to forget when you have a fussy baby or a baby who doesn't sleep well. It can feel like the baby is doing it willfully to thwart you. Making the distinction early on between age-appropriate (if frustrating) behavior and actual misbehavior (which is impossible at this age, of course) seems like it will come in handy later with bigger parenting challenges.

[Reese]

Oh boy do I remember this stage. I ended up nursing my daughter in a darkened room half the time and right before bed/naps the rest of the time. Her nanny had to do the same with bottles. The good news is that in a few months things will be back to normal.

Doesn't it seem like as soon as you get the hang of this whole parenting thing the little ones go through yet another change/stage? *sigh* It is so frustrating sometimes. Pelase remember that they aren't doing anything "wrong" by developing properly. Especially at the 0-12 month age they just aren't capable of disobeying/being "naughty".

[Cat, Galloping]

It's possible that Sarika used the term "naughty" in a joking way. Particularly considering the obvious language barrier, can we give her the credit that she doesn't actually think he's misbehaving and isn't going to *make* him bad by calling him naughty?

[Katherine]

I am dealing with the same thing with my 7 month old. Super distracted baby! She's decided it's sometimes more fun to take my nipple into her mouth and then blow raspberries around it rather than eat. Usually I just end the feeding at this point and try again later. But recently we were on vacation and I really wanted her to eat at a particular more convenient time, so I kept trying and she bit me! Hard! She made me bleed. I might have entertained some brief naughty baby thoughts at that point

When I'm feeding her solids our cats are the bane of my existence. She can't stop staring at them, craning her neck to look at them. I think I might have to start locking them in the garage at meal time.

[Diane]

I agree with Cat, Galloping. I totally read the original question as either sarcasm or a bit of a misstep in overcoming the language barrier.

My daughter did this at around 4 months, and I can tell you that no amount of darkness made a difference. The child has NIGHT VISION, I tell you. She was like that at the breast and with a bottle. We just sort of got through it with a lot of night feedings. Now, at almost 9 months, she still never takes a big bottle (I started EPing a few months ago). The most she'll ever take at a time is about 4 ounces, and she'll go 3 or 4 hours between bottles. Then before bed, she just eats and eats and eats. It used to freak me out every day ("oh my gosh! she's not eating enough! ack!") but I've finally relaxed and realized that she just makes up for it at night.

[Shandra]

This is when I started nursing my son inside the sling a lot, in a darkened room, because it sort of contained his squirmy body. I also played the same music every time in the hopes it would drown out everything else.

But um, I hate to say that I do get distracted during the day and end up eating at night, which is bad bad bad! Sorry about that one Moxie :-)

[Kay]

It's usually my kids that keep me so busy during the day that I forget to eat. Bad things, bad.

I kid, I kid.

Sometimes words are just words. I often ask (my husband) "why do my kids hate me" when they are acting out. I know they don't *really* hate me, although it can certainly feel that way when I am emotional. I don't think that me saying that is going to make them hate me.

Hang in there poster, it will get better!

[Julie]

We went through this stage too. I think around this time I moved from feeding him right when he woke up to feeding him right before a nap. I remember worrying a little bit about the shift maybe making him dependent on the bottle/boob to go to sleep, but luckily that hasn't been the case.

I also (and probably more importantly) decided to ONLY bottlefeed/nurse him in the chair in his room, with the door closed and the lights off or dimmed - and on extra stimulating days putting on a white noise machine to blot out the sound of our dogs or my husband. It's a little isolating, but I can relate to how you feel about worrying about how much/little he's eating. This feeding routine became standard for anyone who was feeding him....the chair became a cue for him to know that this time is eating time.

Good luck!

[Tonia]

"You and your baby are partners together in helping him grow up healthy and trusting and bonded."

My memories of those feedings (dd's are 3.5 and 20 months) are too blurry to be of any help, however I just had to say that this is an absolutely wonderful way of looking at parenthood, and boiling it down to the absolute essentials. Thanks, Moxie.

[Kirsty]

In some countries or cultures it is normal to use the word "naughty" in a loving, joking way about children, or even babies. My husband comes from such a family, and I have picked up his way of using this word. I am a native English speaker, and if you heard me saying this in person you would understand the loving, joking way in which it is said. It sounds more like someone lovingly saying to a baby or child "What on earth are you doing, you funny little fellow :)" or something like that. So please don't worry if a mom uses this word, especially if it seems likely that she is from another country! It is not an English mistake, as it is used in this loving way even by many native English speakers ... it is just a different way of using this word.

[Pam]

Hi, I read this post yesterday morning and it made me a little weepy. My daughter is the same age and we're going through the same troubles. We had just finished a breastfeeding session that felt more like a battle. Thanks for helping me take a step back from the situation.

[Caroline]

I'm so glad you posted this question! I thought I was the only one with this issue (not the "naughty" part, but the light drinking part--- I think that as a general rule it's not a good idea to attribute negative motives to your babe, but I also don't think it's good to give a kid sugar or fast food, multi-task during designated baby-and-mom time, let him watch even a moment of TV, etc., and I either have or will do all of these things more than once, I know... If she's a loving, attentive mom, I'm sure her kiddo will be fine.....).

Anyway, my son has been displaying a confusing drinking pattern for months now. He just turned 8 months old. He is bottle fed, but he rarely drinks more than 2-3 ounces at a time-- even after he's had a full 12 hour night without anything to drink! He is very happy, he's growing well, he's meeting all of his "milestones" (I abhor that word, but I'm using it for lack of a better one), and he loves to eat whatever we give him.

I do find it hard to understand because I hear that most babies are downing 8 oz bottles in minutes at this age. After a few good sips, my boy is biting the bottle nipple or squeezing it so that the formula spurts out everywhere.

We do seem to have started to make some progress just recently, though, and I hope it continues. He was doing most of his drinking in the night and I've slowly eliminated that without making him feel starved (by extending the time before the night feed 30 mins, or as long as he could stand it, each night). I would caution anyone against trying to do lots of formula catch up in the night. When I was really worried about his drinking, I took every opportunity I had to feed him during the night, and he started waking nearly every hour. Then he would be so grumpy in the morning when he woke for good, fussing from the second he got up, which is not like him at all. Usually he is so happy in the morning, just all ready to play. I was also very grumpy-- and we all know that a sleep-deprived mom is not good for baby!!!!

Anyway, I know this is long, but do people who have been through this think that it just resolves itself? The necklace idea, the dark room, etc., none will work for us. Our kid really has his own mind about these things. I'm not worrying about it since he seems so happy and healthy, but I should I be more concerned or will he meet his needs if I keep offering the bottle regularly and getting as much formula into him with his solids as possible?

We also tried switching to the sippy cup on the off chance that he just happened to be a kid who starts to hate the bottle early, but that was a no go-- he loves to play with the cup, but he acts the same wrt the formula that comes out of it.

Experienced moms, I'd love to hear more from you on this topic!

[Jana]

I am an American living in India and the first time someone asked me if my then 4-month-old daughter was naughty I did a double take. I was finally explained that here the word naughty (when applied to babies) means active, alert, excited. Its actually a good thing here- moms brag about how their baby is naughty. This is what came to my mind when I read that post- perhaps she is from a South Asian culture where this is common.

[Heather]

My daughter, who is 8 mos, is also making me crazy with this kind of feeding problem -- except she's not making up for it at night. She's really low-weight (3rd percentile) and I worry about it a lot. The doc told me to feed her less solid food, and that seemed to help for a while, but now she's drinking so little that I'm afraid if I don't feed her more (formula-mixed) solids she's going to start losing weight. I've also been wondering lately if her willingness to give up quickly is partly because she gets frustrated about how long it takes her to get the formula out of the bottle -- if she needs bottle nipples with larger holes. I have heard you can buy these for older babies but we spent a long time finding a bottle she would take (we use Evenflo Elan) and I can't seem to find "older baby nipples" for those. Any suggestions? Also, what have other people heard about the food v. formula/milk question?
Thanks!
BTW, Caroline, I feed my daughter in a dark room with the same soothing sounds every time, etc. and it doesn't matter for her either.

[Dylan]

Hey all

My son is going through the same thing. Only eats well if he is half asleep and if awake wont eat a thing and skips the feed; and doesnt make it up afterwards! He is only 3% percentile so we are very worried - any advice all?

Thanks

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[KC at Crib Sale]

Thanks for the great help!This is such a nice reading here!

[April]

I love this series of posts! I have spent HOURS researching what I have done wrong, since my son is not following the "typical" eat-sleep-play routine and still feeds every 3-4 hours at night. He is 6 months and still only has about 4 oz at a feed, whereas my friends' 12 week old baby has 8oz! My husband keeps telling me I am worrying and reading too much. Thank you all for sharing your stories!

A first time-stressed out Mom!

[Florida Certified Public Accountants]

When my boy was at that age, and started to ge too distractive to eat, my mother recommended me to feed him at the same place.

And I did, in that way we got familiarized with the place and after 3 or 4 days he started eating normal again..

All moms with 4 to 6 babies should try it!

[Florida Certified Public Accountants]

About that age, as my son, babies start t get easily distrative because of sounds, places and.. everything new..

I talk to my mom and said to me that a good way to avoid it is feeding him in the same place.. always
He got used to the place and everything in there, after a few days it worked.. He started to eat normal again!