(Hey, I just realized that I forgot to add the word "all" in my sentence about not being able to do it all without anti-depressants. Ha! I meant to write that no one can do it all without anti-depressants. Certainly you can do some of it without anti-depressants. If you can cut yourself some slack. But again, another sign of depression is not being to cut yourself some slack. Just be gentle with yourself, OK? If you need to go anti-depressants, please do so. If you don't need them, I certainly didn't mean to imply that all mom are on them--that would be as much of a fallacy as the idea that all moms are happy all the time. I'd like to banish any statements starting with "all moms are" anyway.
Now I'm going to go read the comments. I hope no one got alarmed or had her feelings hurt by my leaving out the word "all.")
Sorry about that. All the rain did something to the cable connection to our building,and I couldn't get on the internet to post anything. (I'm about to post my comment on Monday's work question at the end of that post. I agreed with all of you, of course.)
Here's one I'll also need your support with. Lucy writes:
"This a pretty vague question: but how can I relax and enjoy motherhood more? I had a great pregnancy but a difficult birth with my daughter who is now 8 months. Tough recovery and breastfeeding problems followed and now, though she sleeps and eats well, I'm always worrying about something or beating myself up. I know that I need to let go of expectations and be more zen, but keep finding that so difficult as an erstwhile professional who is used to having everything under control. I don't want to look back and realise I've missed out on the good times. I think part of the problem is that I forgot I was going to have a baby and was looking forward to being mum to an independent 3 year old!"
I think basically all mothers are victims of propaganda. We're allowed to think that pregnancy is all positive, wonderful rainbows and sunshine, but a huge percentage of us have hormone-related depression that makes us feel horrible and sold out. Let's not even talk about the delivery and birth, which have so much baggage attached to them even before we get to the tough painful part. (Let's think about it--labor and delivery hurts like hell coming or going already. Isn't that enough? Why add all this strange mythology to it, too to give all of us a nice case of pre-post traumatic stress disorder?) And if you adiopt, well, we don't even know how to think about that, et alone talk about it. Then we get to the actual motherhood, and it's really hard and there's no real reward for weeks and weeks, and then the reward is just a smile.
And yet everyone, at every stage of the game, keeps saying, "But it's sooooo worth it."
Well, duh. Yes, it's worth it. Your children are the joys of your life. But. It still sucks at all stages of the game, either a little or a lot.
People give sympathy for the first few months, because they're like being captured by aliens. But by the time your baby is 8 or 9 months old you're supposed to ahve a handle on it. The baby is plumped up and sweet-looking, like a magazine baby. Everyone in your mother's group is lying and saying their baby is "sleeping through the night " (5 measly hours! Is it even a worthy goal?).
But it's still really hard emotionally. I kind of think that that's about the age when it starts to sink in that this IS the New Normal. Whether you're at home or at work all day, the baby exhausts you. And then there's the whole nighttime routine, and middle-of-the-night stuff. And thinking about the food all the time. But you're also supposed to have lost all of the baby weight, and having an amazing sex life with your husband, and be up on current events, and either totally present at your job or gleefully happy about being at home.
Honestly, it's just too freaking much. No one can do it [all] without the help of anti-depressants.
So, Lucy, my advice to you is to cut yourself some slack. All those moms who look so zen (and people tell me I'm one of them--apparently I look calm all the time) are really just fantasizing about having a night alone in a hotel with nice sheets and no one else there wanting something from them. It's not like everyone else is totally in the moment and you're not. Everyone's dropping the ball in one way or another. It's just that some of us are forcing ourselves to be OK with dropping those balls.
It does not pay to be perfect. Even if it was possible, it's a crappy way to live. 8 months is hard. You'll like 3 years better. If you can accept that now isn't your favorite time and see your daughter as equally captive to her normal developmental stages, it might be easier on you emotionally.
Anyone else? Did you have any big "I don't have to be perfect" moments you'd like to share? Any "I hated this stage but ended up loving the next one" times? Freestyle bitching about feeling sold out by our culture is also welcome.
Hey--once again I'm late for work! No time to spellcheck.
Thanks, Hedra, for your thoughts. And Megan, thanks for confirming what I had suspected: that one day I'll probably be ready for more children.
I feel so much better than I did this morning. This post couldn't have come at a better time. (Plus, my mother came up to babysit L. It's amazing what having 2 hours to oneself does.) I'm so grateful to Moxie, Lucy, and everyone who left comments.
Posted by: Erin | April 18, 2007 at 08:12 PM
Loved the topic, loved the replies. I have two sons, one will be 16mo tomorrow, the other is 29mo. and I just found this board very recently. (where the heck have I been!?!)
The best analogy I've heard yet is that becoming a mother is like moving to China. You don't know the language, culture, you get homesick for your old life, but with time it gets easier and you learn on your feet. Peaks and valleys - when you're in a low, you know that you have to be on a high sooner or later. And on the flip side, when you're on a high it helps to stop and appreciate it, because you know that the next low point is looming somewhere up ahead. It helps to recognize the cycle, and know that your position along that cycle is dynamic - even though you can feel stuck, it's not permanent!
I loved the previous advice to ask for help. When my older son was 9mo old, he had a stomach bug, the most insane diaper rash I'd ever seen, I had a terrible cold and was 6mo pregnant. I didn't think I'd survive.
I live in the city, and sent an email out the mother's group I'd recently found. Within 2 hours I had 4 varieties of diaper rash cream, 2 meals, and a slew of ideas for treating the rash and general well wishes. It was completely shocking. Afterwards when I was thanking the other moms, they said they were all struck that in this day and age, no one seems to ever ask for help. We ALL need help, and sometimes we'll never get it without asking for it.
Good luck! And if you ever have the time for reading, I liked Mother Shock ("loving every other minute of it") It's not long and has really short chapters making it easy to read on the go.
Posted by: Mary | April 18, 2007 at 08:30 PM
I must say I agree with Amyinmotown. I believe that I needed to go back to work or I would have gone crazy. During my leave (which lasted four months) I was grumpy all day, snapped at my husband over everything, had no energy to play with my son because I was sick and tired of playing with a blob who didn't respond to anything I did, but also felt guilty for not stimulating him enough. Everything made me feel guilty.
So I went back to work and it forced me to lay back a bit, to allow others to take care of him for a few hours. It made me have more energy for him when we were together in the afternoon / evening. It also helped me have something else to think about besides my need to stimulate a four mo.
And I also needed more contact with adults, because I was soo alone (my husband arrived after I had been about 10 hours alone with the baby, and I don't know anyone else with a baby to hang out with). I would love to have that village someone mentioned ;)
Posted by: pam | April 18, 2007 at 08:35 PM
thank you. Moxie and Lucy for writing in and everyone for their comments which I haven't really been able to read through the tears but still. My son is 9 months old. and today I admitted out loud to myself that I am depressed and I need medication. and now I begin the steps toward treatment. I also thought that my 9 months I should have a handle on this motherhood thing. But it has been so hard. The sleep issue mainly oh god the sleep issue. coupled with the fact that a very critical MIL eroded whatever shred of self confidence I had at 3 months. I keep asking my husband daily, when is it going to get better? what are we going to do? our relationship has suffered. And I feel like I have lost myself. Who was I? who am I becoming? This is not the person I want my son to know.
so just thank you, again, for sharing your stories because for the first time in months I dont feel so alone.
Posted by: Ireps | April 18, 2007 at 08:50 PM
Wow I wish I'd been on the 'net yesterday. These are all so fabulous!
My son's 20 months old and I'm still feeling some days like I'm not quite sure who I am and how badly I'm messing him up, but it is getting easier. In fact yesterday I took him off to a trade show and we had a ball, *both* of us.
And that 9 month mark did suck more, as I remember it. So another 'this too shall pass'.
On a practical level, here in Canada those of us who can afford to collect $413 a week (or 55% of our salaries, whichever is lower) for a year's maternity leave. And I actually started doing some sideline work around 9 months 'cause I just felt like my head was going to explode.
That is NOT a salvo in the mommy wars; it wasn't that I was "bored" - it was simply that I needed some link back to my pre-mother self or something, I dunno. It wouldn't have had to have been work, but it did have to be something that was adult.
Also around then I gave up somewhat on the idea that I had to do baby activities. I mean, we still do. But I also started dragging my son to adult things (like the trade show) and just finding what would interest him there. I lived through some bad experiences (pee... Ergo... me... him... no changes of clothing... public transportation...) but it was still nice to give up the newborn bubble.
Also I was SO SICK of my house. Anyways. Hang in there... like any of us really have a choice. :)
Posted by: Shandra | April 19, 2007 at 07:51 AM
I think it's ok not to love the baby stage. While there are parts of it that I look back on fondly, I do not miss the lack of sleep and the constant worry that I wasn't a good enough mother. When my son turned two things got a lot easier for me. He could amuse himself for short periods, his separation anxiety eased, and he was much sturdier on his feet. I'm definitely better suited to toddlerhood.
When my son was about a year old, I had to take him to a store to consult with someone about blinds, and he was happy toddling about, chewing on paint brushes and looking at paint cans. I was talking to the saleswoman and keeping an eye on my son, inwardly fretting that he was going to knock something over or take a chunk out of the paintbrush, when the saleswoman said "You are such a calm mom! I can't believe how relaxed you are!" And while I said thank you, what I really wanted to say was: "Lady, I'm in THERAPY! See this calm exterior? It's driving me crazy!!!!"
Posted by: niks | April 19, 2007 at 09:51 AM
I so needed to read this. My baby is 7 months old and I feel like I spend all my time obsessing about how she's not gaining weight (at all, at this point) and not eating enough. We've had nothing but problems with nursing -- they constantly evolve and are different (mastitis for which I had to be hospitalized, her constant falling asleep while eating, weeks of biting), but always problems. Currently she fights it, pulling off screaming 10-20 times a feeding, but she eats fine at day care. It's sapped my patience and it's demoralizing because on some level you take it as a personal rejection, even though you know that's not rational. This has reduced my enjoyment of the time I have with my daughter on my days off (I work part time), despite the fact that when she's not screaming at me about food she's a very happy baby. My resentment has gotten so bad that I'm starting to wean her earlier than I wanted to, which also makes me very emotional.
I have found myself crying at the drop of a hat at work and reacting with swift anger to things that are just not that big a deal. A week ago I had worked a lot to perfect making my own baby cereal at home, then dropped the whole lot on the floor just as I was about to feed it to her. I picked up the bowl and threw it across the room. No one else was in the room but me, but it's still not the way I would like to respond to minor mishaps. I have struggled with whether or not to take medication for depression because I don't like to take prescriptions for anything unless necessary.
Reading these posts has actually made me feel more confident in going it on my own because it helps me realize I'm not crazy to be so emotional. My mother always talked about how wonderful her pregnancy was and what an easy baby I was, and she was so proud that she breastfed me when that was frowned upon by all the hip 70's working moms. She is not around anymore for me to consult, and I think in some part of my brain I keep thinking she'd be disappointed in me because it all hasn't been rosy and perfect, and I haven't loved all these baby months, the way it was for her (or the way she chose to remember it). I am always very demanding of myself -- as my mom was of herself -- so it's almost like I have TWO perfectionists in my brain telling me I'm not good enough. Ironically, my mom was very proud of me and would probably have been proud of how I've coped with the difficulties of new motherhood with my particular baby. But she's not here to tell me that.
Just knowing you're not crazy, or the only mom who isn't coping well and "enjoying every precious moment," somehow makes you more sane. Thank you all, especially my friend who recommended this website to me just this week.
Posted by: Heather | April 19, 2007 at 01:35 PM
Hey, Heather, sounds like your mom and my mom compared notes (though my mom was bfing in the 50's and 60's)... I've talked to my mom about the wonderful-happy-joy-joy picture of my birth/infancy, and perhaps her thoughts might help inform your memories of your mom, too.
My mom said that our birth stories and infancy stories as told to us before we had kids of our own were not intended to be the whole picture, the gory details, or the reality check. These were our mythology, our Story of Origin, the fireside recounting of how we came into being, the seeds of our Specialness.
Was my mom irritated at my dad's constant jumpiness about labor starting? Yes. Did she feel disrespected by the medical staff? Likely. But the story of my birth bypasses those truths and goes "she trusted her body so that's why she didn't call my dad right away when she went into labor." And "she knew that she'd be hungry after my birth, so she snuck candy bars into the labor ward in her purse." It wasn't a story of how cold and barren and lonely her labor experience in the modern world was, it was a story of how beautiful, powerful, and amazing MY birth was. It was a story of ME, not of her. And so, she dropped off the parts that were more about her suffering and angst, and only presented the parts that were about who I was, what was important to who I became, and what she wanted me to carry inside my heart about myself.
Now that we're past that stage, and I'm doing my own story-making for my kids, the realities are much more openly acknowledged. My mom points out regularly that her life was like mine, that she 'ran between the raindrops', that she scrambled for resources, invented solutions out of desperate necessity, tried, failed, tried again. Those stories are the ones for now, but they weren't the ones for then. I'm sorry you aren't able to grasp them back from her through time, but I know there are plenty of moms/grandmas who won't share them now, either.
Maybe you can take that perfectionist voice, and see it in terms of the mythology of love. Your mother, like mine, painted your early childhood in beautiful colors, the memories golden-edged, because she loved you and wanted you to feel it and know your specialness all the way to your soul. It absolutely does not mean that she never struggled, never had sleepless nights, never gritted her teeth at your normal baby nature. Just that those things were HER story, not yours. And by the time you were old enough to ask, she had decided that the answer you needed wasn't full of her own remembered angst, but should reflect something deeper than the gory details could possibly show.
Sigh. Not sure if that was helpful, but perhaps if she seems like she was that kind of mom, that may explain the 'perfect picture' - it was more about love and the gift of a mythic beginning than about reality checks. Not that it makes it more useful (honestly, I could have used more reality checks much sooner!), but hopefully it provides a new way of looking at it.
Posted by: hedra | April 19, 2007 at 02:38 PM
first, wanted to join the chorus of "convinced i'd never have another baby til well after pnut was a year old!" seriously. i mean i really thought my sanity was breaking off and floating away. 9 months was horrible- i mean of course there were good times but jesus you don't get much of a learning curve with being a parent, do you? it's like you just jump into the deep end and pray you'll have the stamina and common sense to make it through. i can say now, at 21 months, i have only in the past few months been able to think "ok, we could do this again." all you moms of multiples out there? much props to you. i don't know how you do it. i certainly do agree that we need much more in real life support systems, especially for those of us who live far from family (or, family willing to help when you need it).
second, and please don't hate me, but i wish i had had the common sense to just give my kid formula during one of those night feedings. i was such a militant, exclusive bf mom, nothing was going to cross her lips but my milk. i was terrified of a) her preferring a bottle/formula over me and b) giving in to my deep belief that ebfing was the only was to go and if i gave up on it i would lose. like someone was going to come to my house with a medal for my bfing martyrdom or something. i pumped my measly 4 oz everyday to have for trips out or for her dad to give in the evenings, but i wish i had just gotten her to take some formula at night. someone said it earlier but there is a good reason why the geneva convention bans the use of sleep deprivation as torture. god almighty when i think of the hours and hours and hours i spent on my couch with her it amazes me, and i know i'll never be able to do that with another one.
finally, i wish more moms i know in real life were like so many of you- willing to admit that this is hard, and it often sucks, and it makes you frustrated and angry and lonely and cry a lot. of course we love our kids and being a mom has plenty of indescribably wonderful moments, but i just want to slap some of the women i know who i open up to and say "oh, lord isn't it awful sometimes?" and they give me that happy blank stare and say "what do you mean? it's so easy!" ugh. i'm not one of those mean, cynical "parenthood ruined my life!" moms, either, but jesus, people, can't we just admit that this is tough already and join together in some support?
thanks to all of you who have the courage to share your stories.
Posted by: pnuts mama | April 19, 2007 at 03:19 PM
LOL, Pnut's mom!
By the way, I do know one of those 'this is EASY!' moms. She loved life with one baby. Oh, they did all the same old things, still sang in their choral group, still went out on dates, they were, as my mom (been quoting her a lot lately) says, 'a couple with a baby' and in my mom's opinion, haven't shifted to the deeper awareness that comes with the struggles, the trials by fire, of most new parents.
Meanwhile, I was struggling, and sleep deprived, and had given up dancing by-and-large (WAAHHHH!), and had yet to be able to get a date night with my DH... (that came later, at least). I loved my son, and it was HARD HARD work.
But then we both (she/her DH and I/my DH) decided to have second kids. And boy, when you hit the wall, you hit it. I hit it with my first. The second was a joy, I'd already adjusted, I'd already changed my life, I'd already coped and gotten over myself, etc. Baby 2, easy! Love it! Joy! Work? Yes. But known work, and not twice what one is. Yeah, still sleepy, but wow, so great, so much better than the transition from zero to one! I went to share my joy with other mom (figured that she was having equally peachy life with two, after all, she'd had such a great time with one), asked her how she was liking having two. She looked at me with bleary eyes, a cracked lopsided tooth-gritting sorta-smile, and said 'it's awful. It is SO HARD! I love my new boyo, but I kind of wish we'd stopped with one. We're clearly not meant to have two, not made for it.' I hate to admit, I gave her a puzzled look and said, 'oh. I find it's really easy. I love it.' and walked away. Owies for her. I didn't mean it as payback, though in retrospect she'd made me feel the same.
It took another coworker of mine to point out that we'd both been in the same place, only I hit that wall first. I changed my life with one child, utterly and completely. That's hard. She'd not done that, and then with two, found she had to, and didn't like it. She'd been secure knowing that she wasn't one of those moms who had to give up herself and her dreams and her LIFE just because she had kids. WOO! She was better than that, somehow more made to be a mom. And... she's unlikely to ever have another child (if two is awful, three will be worse, no? and most of us now stop at 2), and so won't learn that after you hit that wall, things are better. They're smoother, you've learned to adapt instead of just tucking the child into your life, and therefore more things can fit in the new life, including more kids. That wasn't life crashing down, it wasn't a terminal lack of skills, it was just the wall, and after you get through the rubble you leave when you hit it, there's plenty of space to move.
So, two for me was good. Wall already left behind. And twins beyond that was, well, a head-whack, but also good, and we saw the wall coming and built a bridge over it (by asking for help help help help help!). I'd had my breakdown, knew I'd have others, and knew I could get past them and that it wasn't really a function of having X number of kids, but of having gone way past my capacity and learned how to grow new skills, find new resources, and swim for my life, because it was that or sink. Now, I'm a pretty darn good swimmer-for-my-life! LOL!
So, I kind of feel sorry for (at least some of) the moms who tra-la-la through the first child (or even the second, third, whatever - surely some people have a wall that's way out there...). Eventually that wall may knock them silly, and it will hurt and feel like life is in ruins, and they'll glare at the world with bleary eyes and despise the ones who make it look easy. Or, they won't hit it because they stop before it comes, and they'll always wonder why people think they're so hoity and arrogant, and will lose valuable friendships, and will not know their own strength because they've not had to test it. Okay, I'll envy that if they end up there, as some surely will - I'd like to have it that easy. But I'll feel for them if they do hit that wall later. 'Cause I know exactly how much it hurts. And it probably hurts more if you've built yourself a nice pedestal to stand on. Loooong way down from there. Ow.
man, I'm enjoying this discussion. :)
Posted by: hedra | April 19, 2007 at 03:43 PM
Hey, just want to jump in to second what Flea said about a moratorium on parenting books. I'm a librarian, so you know I love me some books!...but I have found out for myself that the quickest path to crazy is through parenting books.
I think my biggest stumbling block is that they all seem to stress CONSISTENCY. You've gotta be consistent. Um, how exactly? I'm generally a fairly organized person who likes to plan work and work plans, and I still can't manage to do bedtime the same way every night, and certainly not now that my second has just been born!
I just tell myself that a family is a dynamic system with thousands of variables, human and otherwise. We dance the best we can.
As for stages, I've got a barely two-year old girl and a 5 week old boy. My favorite stage was about 10-20 months, when crawling/walking mobility meant my daughter could make her own fun a little more, and before talking became talking back.
Posted by: lydia | April 19, 2007 at 03:54 PM
Thank you, thank you, thank you, to Moxie and Lucy and everyone else who has commented. I feel oh, about 10 billion times better than I did before I read this. Now when do we all get to move to that village...
Posted by: bianca | April 19, 2007 at 05:45 PM
Re: consistency......it would be much easier for me to be consistent if my CHILD could be consistent.
True consistency is a myth. Until you can predict accurately what they will do - how can you plan to be consistent with what YOU do?
re: the village.....a good friend of mine and I had our babies on the same day, in the same hospital. Our parenting journey began only 2 hours apart. Therefore, she is my soul sister for life. We have OFTEN fantasized about living in a village with only moms and their children.....as our husbands are often completely useless. And I loved the comment yesterday about having them stop by to throw money over the fence. We talk every day and guaranteed one of us will have a story about our husbands "helping" or rather, NOT helping.
There's nothing more soothing to the soul than another mother who knows in her heart what you are going through. Which is why I love this website so much!
Posted by: Julie | April 19, 2007 at 06:15 PM
OH MY GOD! I haven't even finished reading these responses to my question and I am blown away. Moxie is amazing to pick up on the post traumatic stress thing. I've actually had some counselling for this since the birth that was really helpful. (In case anyone else is grieving the birth experience they didn't have, my counsellor got me to write three letters: one to myself to say how proud I was of how I'd done, one to my daughter to say I was sorry I hadn't been able to be there for her fully in her first weeks and one to the next baby if there is one to say how things will be different. SOOOOO good to do.)
I'm going to keep reading here but also keep talking to people about how new mums (Aussie spelling) really feel rather than perpetuate the myth.
Huge thanks.
Lucy
Posted by: Lucy | April 20, 2007 at 05:44 AM
It sucks. It really, really sucks. Pictures from when The Boy was 7-8 months show me with my eyes almost closed. I look like the walking dead. Felt that way, too. The Boy had developed a need to be walked to sleep, for what felt like hours every night. And then he kept waking up during the night. I regularly hid from him by "staying late at work" or even leaving on time, getting a block away from picking him up, and sitting in the car staring at the steering wheel, totally unable to cope with seeing him again.
At a year, I stopped exclusively pumping (he was very preemie, didn't latch) and went on depression meds. (Oh thank God for SSRIs.) At 13 months, I finally managed to get him to go to sleep in his crib. I told everyone who cared about me that if I ever acted that way again, to leave me on the doorstep of the nearest psychiatrist.
It turns out, The Boy is almost 4 and (aside from the constant negotiating) he is SO much fun. I wish I could be home with him all the time. Even the negotiating is so much better than the mind-numbing attempts to entertain him as an infant or dealing with the screaming, hitting tantrums of 18mo-2 1/2. It took me a long time - probably 3 1/2 years - to finally acknowledge that I just didn't LIKE the stage between "happy to sleep on me while we watched tv" and "able to think and reason". And we're still considering another one. Husband says, "but you didn't like x, y, and z" and my response is "sure, but I know what to do now to combat a lot of it!"
Weirdly? What helped me enjoy mothering a lot more was getting AWAY from it more. I work all day at work. I work all night at home. Love him so much but sometimes, am SO burnt out from those 2 full time jobs that I just need to HIDE. Drop him off at the grandparents' and dodge the husband for some quiet time. Doing that more, and trying to come to grips with not feeling guilty about it, is all I can do to survive. And I try to remember, a sometimes hiding, almost sane mom is better than an everpresent, whackadoo mom!
Good luck. Nobody tells us until afterwards, that this really sucks for a lot of the time!!! Hang in there. You didn't make a mistake by having a child... That's what I always felt like. It will be ok.
Posted by: tiredmama | April 20, 2007 at 03:49 PM
I am so so glad I discovered this post. My baby is two weeks old today and as I told my husband this morning, "Sometimes, I just want my old life back!" He was appalled that I would ever say that, but of course he was rushing out the door to work and his relatively unchanged way of doing things. I am just so relieved that I am not the only one who is challenged by this. It sounds stupid to say but I really do feel like I should just be managing this perfectly and being delighted to have a healthy baby that is relatively well behaved, instead of looking forward to going back to work in a few weeks. I'm sure things will get even harder then but I will just be so happy to get out of the house for a few hours...and I am definitely looking forward to the future already at this point.
Posted by: Sam | April 20, 2007 at 05:53 PM
Fantastic post, brilliant comments. Goes a long way in showing what a universal struggle this motherhood gig is.
For me, what freaks me out the most is the fear of future, unknown challenges. What if it gets worse? I can feel like I've got a handle on things one day, but then sink mighty low imagining what I'm going to be up against in the future. Add in some guilt about not loving every minute after fighting so hard to get here, and you've got a nice misery sandwich. I literally have to give myself a pep talk every day: I've met the twins needs so far, I will continue to do so, and whatever challenges arise, well, I'll handle them. Repeat ad nauseum.
Posted by: Claudia | April 22, 2007 at 11:24 AM
This is belated but I must thank Hedra for her comments about our mommas giving us our own personal creation story. I cried.
I also figure our moms may give us rosy pictures of our own delivery and babyhood, not because they're being disingenuous, but because they've forgotten. I mean, people always say that if you could remember the pain of labor you wouldn't have more kids. Maybe the shell-shock of early parenthood is the same. After all, there's not a lot of psychological benefit in dwelling on the lousy moments of our experience -- especially when you have to go on creating that experience by living with the new, evolved version of the little person who once made you miserable.
But I miss my momma. Those of you who have written about the lack of community are so right. I have often thought, "I wasn't meant to do this without People." My People, what is left of them, are scattered all over. It is hard, HARD to create a family -- not me, my DH and my baby, but a larger family of people who support each other -- from scratch. I'm open to suggestions.
Posted by: Heather | April 23, 2007 at 08:41 PM
Heather, I'm afraid I don't have much of an answer. My method won't help for everyone, but maybe it might be a start...
a) Pestered my brother to move back from Florida, found him a job at my company, insisted that his kids needed to grow up with mine. He finally agreed. The other brother was a no-go on that, but I also knew that he'd never leave Oregon, so I didn't pester much. Sigh. He has to be happy, too.
b) Don't let the good ones get away. If someone really feels like they could be a friend, make the extra effort to include them as family. Do a potluck Thanksgiving on Saturday after T-day, for everyone whose family is out of town or too-stressful-to-be-fun. Provide easy food and a place for the kids to play, and you've got the basis for a lot. ((My mom rented out spare rooms to college students for years, and there are a half-dozen of those students who 'stuck', five who regularly come for Thanksgiving (yes, on Saturday), and one who is in my mom's will as an equal-standing child to her born children. The timing was good for that, and it might not be possible to do right this moment (small babies and renting rooms... um. no?), but maybe the template will fit for someone.))
c) Throw the net wide and often and don't pull it right back in. One of the hard things with kids is feeling you have enough time to slow down and just be, to stop and look at what they want to look at, and so forth. They keep up more, drag less, when we slow down, and it all goes faster as a result. Same with the networking. Be willing to stop, prepared to meet eyes, take the time to slow down and chat in the grocery store, offer commiseration to the other bleary-eyed mom. Don't expect anything of those contacts, just spread the help around, the kindness, the compassion. Throw it to the wind, and see what happens. It might be a year before the threads catch, or two weeks, but funny how they do. Don't scramble for them, don't try to loop anyone in, just throw the lines of support out and have faith and patience. At the very least, you'll end up feeling like you've done a good deed. At the best, you'll find a kindred soul.
d) Go on the playdates. When babies are little, this isn't a great source (can be hard to find affinities IMHO in the baby years, hard to get past the brittleness/judgements/fears, hard to overcome the 'your baby bit/hit/pushed my baby' freakouts - doesn't mean don't try, but be patient!), but once playdates start in Kindergarten, be willing to date the parents of your kids' friends. Again, 9 out of 10 will not be clicks, maybe more. But one good click, and you've got the beginning of family. My oldest had a playdate with a friend at school around 4 or 5... I went for a 2 hour play date, STAYED (No fleeing to get something else done on the first date!!) and chatted with the mom, and six hours later called home to ask if DH wanted to come join us for dinner. I still stay for the first play date, every time. Some are total disasters, some are semi-clicks, the 'cousins' level of family. Invite others for play dates, as well, and invite the parent(s) to stay for tea. Oh, and I prefer one-on-one playdates so you can chat without the 'someone else listening' tendency to self-edit (anyone else more cautious in small groups than one-on-one?).
Growing family takes time, and most of us who don't have it already need it NOW. But the choice is 'never, or gradually' so take gradually. Don't leap or cling, be patient, let things grow, but don't stop tending them, just like with parenting. Good luck!
Posted by: hedra | April 24, 2007 at 10:27 AM
You know, I feel the exact same way. Except I'm only 18, been married and now getting a divorce, and I'm going to college. My daughter is 8 months old and I feel like I should be on the floor with her, playing with her and her toys, or taking a walk with her, or taking her to the park. But I feel like I have no energy from just keeping her out of stuff and feeding her and changing her and doing everything else you have to do to keep up with her. I feel like I want to have time to myself while shes playing and things like that... but then I feel guilty for it because I don't think she's going to learn anything without me playing with her. It really sucks to feel that way. But my mom and doctor just keep telling me that I'll get over it, and in the mean time, when you feel guilty... spend 10 mins with her at a time... it will make a difference; I promise.
Posted by: Jastin Chalk | April 24, 2007 at 12:32 PM
Gotta agree with cagey here. Being selfish you'll be able to enjoy more and get more done. You can actually help others more if you're more selfish with your time; try it, it works!
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