Q&A: post-partum insomnia and irrational fears

Continuing with the theme of admitting how hard this can be sometimes...

Wendy writes:

"I've developed insomnia. 8 month old baby wakes up only 1x per night now (hooray) sometime between 2-5 am. I breastfeed, he goes back to sleep and I lay awake for a couple of hours. I've also lost my ability to nap. Overtired? PPD?

Also, since the baby was born, I've become afraid to fly (plane crash), afraid to drive (car crash), afraid to walk around the block (car crashing into the stroller), afraid of sitting in my house (tree falling over and crushing us), afraid to go into the bank (bank holdup)....I have not become a shut-in but find myself preoccupied with worst case scenarios."

I think this is post-partum anxiety, which is technically different from PPD, but I think is also caused by a complex interaction of factors, including hormones.

I am going to hazard a guess that a lot of us have suffered from some mild form of insomnia after having babies. Which is an unbelievable pisser*, because if the baby is actually asleep, it's cruel that we aren't, too. I've definitely gone through periods of this, even when I was not depressed in any other way. And it seemed to ebb and flow with my hormones and exercise and nutritional intake.

I also noticed (and why do I feel still a little scared to admit this, even now?) that I had preoccupations and almost visions of something bad happening for the first few months with both my kids. With my older one, I was constantly worried that a car would jump the sidewalk and hit the stroller and kill him. Sometimes I couldn't get the thought out of my head, and I'd lie awake at night worried about it. Then when I had the second baby, the fear was that somehow my older one would accidentally snap the baby's spinal cord and leave him paralyzed. I could not shake that fear for a good 4-5 weeks, starting about 2 weeks after the baby was born. I'd be sitting with them both, playing with the older one and holding the baby, seeing it happen in my mind as if it was a memory instead of some cruel mind trick.

The one good thing was that with the second one I didn't worry that there was something wrong with me, and I have the blog world to thank for that. By that time I'd read enough "shameful confessions" online to know that there are things we're afraid to admit, but that a lot of us are dealing with. Just because I hadn't heard other women joking around about how afraid they were of really unlikely things in the first few months didn't mean tons of us didn't deal with it.

But back to Wendy's problem: Just because lots of us have dealt with the insomnia and ultra-worry doesn't mean that you should have to suffer through it. I think that taking Omega 3 supplements (2,000-3,000 mg a day of fish oil or flax seed oil**), getting 20-30 minutes a day of exercise, and getting 10-15 minutes a day of sunshine will probably fix you up in about a week or two. At least to the point that you can catch your breath and figure out what else you need that can ease your load and help you start to reach out to get some help.

You may find that you need counseling and/or anti-depressants, but I'd rather see you do the Omega 3s and exercise and sunshine first, because if your body's a little off-kilter you should fix that first before going on meds so they'll be even more effective (and just so your body doesn't get depleted). I'd give them a few weeks to kick in, then call your doctor if things aren't significantly better. (Mention "crippling insomnia" and "persistent worries" to get them to take you seriously.)

Here's something really interesting I read in Erica Lyon's The Big Book of Birth (I have a review copy, so I don't know if my page number would be helpful, but it's in the last paragraph of the "Massage" section in Chapter 4):

a recent study showed that if a partner massaged a new mother for fifteen minutes a day it is as effective (!) as medication for moderate postpartum depression.

I think it's probably a combination of feeling taken care of by someone else and the way massage helps your body regulate itself (the same way getting regular massages helps you fight off colds better in the winter). But if you have a partner or friend who would be willing to massage you for 15 minutes every day, it might help regulate your system, too.

So. Yeah. It's a problem, but you're not a freak because it's not that unusual (unfortunately), and it's treatable.

Anyone want to share? Bizarre fears you had when your babies were little? The most sobbingly cruel episode of "I finally got this child to sleep and now I can't fall asleep myself" you can remember? What you're wearing today? (It's supposed to be gorgeous and sunny here in NYC on Monday, so I'll probably be wearing a red-and-white patterned wrap dress and red slingbacks to work.)

 

* By the North American phrase "pissed off," meaning angry, not "pissed" meaning drunk, which would undoubtedly be more pleasant.

** Hey, I still have no idea what the deal is with flax seed oil, whether it's completely safe for all of us, or not so great for fetuses but fine for post-partum moms, or whatever. I'm still tempting fate by taking it, but know that I'm not a doctor or nutritionist and am not recommending it specifically so take it at your own risk.

Comments

[Katherine]

I had a horrible bout of insomnia during my daughter's 3 month growth spurt. It happened the week before I was to start working again from home, so the anxiety about that didn't help. I'd feed her, rock her back to sleep, go back to bed and end up staring at the clock. I'd think, she'll be up again in less than 3 hours, I'd better get some sleep. 30 minutes later, why aren't I asleep? An hour later, desperate, why can't I fall asleep? Then baby wakes up, lather, rinse, repeat. For a week I was probably getting less than two hours a night. It was awful. My husband thought I was nuts, had PPD and needed drugs asap. I was starting to wonder myself.

In the chronic fears department, mine was and still is SIDS. She's seven months now and I still obsess some, especially now that she chooses to sleep on her belly. I definitely lost sleep, especially in the early months, by having to go in her room and check one last time(and there were several "just one last time" episodes before I went to sleep) that she was still breathing. I finally had to stop that when she became a super light sleeper and I kept accidentally waking her up.

[Christi]

I had the insomnia and the fears and the anxiety with my daughter's birth. (Actually, I had insomnia with both kids, now that I think about it.) Sometimes I'd just have to get out of bed and pace around the house, or do housework, because there was all this extra fear and panic welling up inside me and I didn't know what to do with any of it.

It's so frustrating not to be able to sleep when your body so clearly needs it. :-( I empathize.

Going on Zoloft helped for me, but I agree with Moxie's suggestions. Still, if those don't work, consider an SSRI that's safe for nursing.

[Rayne of Terror]

Yes I did a few loads of dishes in the middle of the night figuring if I was going to be up I might as well be productive.

I had visions of losing my balance walking from bedroom to bedroom and tossing the baby down the stairs.

[Blythe]

Moxie, your description of the vision "as if it was a memory instead of some cruel mind trick" is right on. I, too lay awake imagining I am going to drop my baby down the stairs onto our tile floors, or step on him when he is on the floor in his gymini. It is a constant reminder that, though I am an intelligent, rational person, there are just some "animal" instincts that exist in me too.

[Shandra]

Yes to both. I still have insomnia, actually, but I do find exercise really helps.

I thought my anxious worst-case thoughts (which still crop up now and then, 19 months in) was related to my daughter's actually having died but maybe it is a more universal experience. I found the most help for them in _Protecting the Gift_ which is really a book on sort of personal security for parents of kids (how to deal with fears of abduction, etc.)

Anyways in there somewhere he wrote that if a fear, say of molestation, is totally consuming you, the question you should ask is what are you NOT seeing that is more common and around you and dangerous (like say, stairs with no gate at the top of them)... which sounds like it would be scarier. But for me anyway that's helped me think "okay, what am I not seeing," and refocus on something simple around me to do to "protect my young" and then I can sort of lay aside the bigger fear with that one.

I don't know if that makes any sense. I hope so.

[Missy]

I have three children, the youngest is 9 months old. I always had insomnia during pregnancy but never postpartum. I agree with a previous poster about getting up and doing something productive (laundry was usually my chore of choice). It helps stop the incessant chatter in your head and when you are dragging the next day, at least you have one chore crossed off your list.

I also sufferred from anxiety following the birth of my second child, which showed itself in the form of anxiety attacks and stomach issues. After a complete physical, my physician determined the cause most likely as anxiety. He does a lot of work with a local Asian immigrant community and learned much about Eastern medicine. He suggested therapy along with yoga and meditation as a first line of defense before trying meds. The therapist was wacky and I only saw her a few times (our personalities just did not mesh), but the yoga worked wonders for me and I continued it religiously throughout my third pregnancy and postpartum.

[mary]

Katherine's first paragraph sounds just like me. I went to my doctor, prepared for a PPD diagnosis, and got a diagnosis of Sleep Deprived. My doctor's remedy? BENADRYL. She said to start with a half a pill about 15 minutes before bed; if it doesn't work, take the whole thing. I took it for a few nights, just enough to reset my sleep pattern, and everything was much better. I can't describe how much better.

As for flax-seed oil, I just read in a magazine (Parenting, I think?) that we need to stay away from fish-oil because of the possibility of mercury. This sounds a little suspect to me. But the mention "fish burps" was enough to steer me towards the flax and not the fish.

[Meira]

Oh, I could never sleep in the hospital after birth, and never during the day for months afterwards, and barely at night. It was such a big deal at the time that I'm amazed it feels so far away now (my twins are two). When my first was little, I was terrified to drive for fear another car would come plowing into us -- everyone seemed to drive SO erratically! ALL THE TIME! I think that new-mom feeling may have been the impetus for the "Baby On Board" signs, lol. My other fears were SIDS and choking -- if I had a dime for everytime someone questioned some odd thing I was doing and I replied, "Overheating is a SIDS risk. That's why my babies are practically naked in winter and the windows are open." And all my friends are yelling, "They're COLD, Meir! COLD!" But I wasn't budging. Overheating is a SIDS risk, y'know . . .
It's so nice to be able to laugh about it now.

[Megan]

I fight this "visions of awful things" issue too, on and off - the baby is eight months old now and I still worry that I'll drop her down the stairs and see it like it's happened.

One thing I read that helped me -- seems like it was on here, but maybe not -- was that whenever you have one of these "visions", replay it again with a positive spin. For example, if you imagine the baby falling and hitting her head, reimagine it with the baby wearing a teeny little safety helmet and being just fine. Or imagine her doing a little summersault and dismount at the end, gymnast style. Or anything, serious or silly, that ends up with her being ok!

It sounds silly, but this visualization helped me a TON.

[cagey]

Thank you for posting this!! When I was a new mother, I just happened to have read another blogger who gave birth around the same time as I did and she was open about confessing her anxieties. Therefore, I knew my weird anxieties were not that weird, after all. However, we need to get the word out on this, because many new mothers suffer needless guilt over this because they don't want to say out loud that they have these odd thoughts. Honestly, I think hormones and sleep deprivation make us think crazy thoughts.

The most common anxiety I have heard of is the "knife" one - where a new mother starts to fear the knives in the kitchen because she might stab her baby. I never had that one, but I did have an incredible fear that I would throw my baby over the our staircase banister. I knew, logically, that i would never actually do that, but in the wee, sleep-deprived hours of 3 am, I had an irrational fear that I "could" do it out of some sort of craziness. To help me through this period, I would clutch my son tighter when walking by the banister and would walk closer to the wall.

I had tons of other anxieties, too - my falling down the stairs with him in my arms was a BIG one for me.

I have a friend who was officially diagnosed on this anxiety thing because hers was starting to paralyze her with inaction and she didn't want to leave the house.

Again - thank you for posting this. New mothers are racked with all sorts of emotions and I think new mothers are too afraid to even admit these things, which only serve to exacerbate the problem.

[Jenn]

I would wake up in the middle of the night and think "I only have x number of hours until they wake up." What helped me was covering all the clocks in my bedroom. If I don't know what time it is at night, I can't worry about how much time is left. It really helped me get some sleep with the twins.

[jessica]

I want a massage. *sighs*

Irrational fears? When waiting for the train I often stand by the wall far away from the tracks just in case some insane stranger pushes me onto the tracks.

Those flashes of Just Awful Unthinkable Stuff happening flash in my mind too. I find it helpful to yell at those visions to go away.

[jessica]

Just wanted to add that the insane stranger only shows up when I have my daughter with me.

[Vanessa]

Aren't those visions horrible? Just yesterday I had the "dropping the baby headfirst on concrete" vision, followed by the always popular "three-year-old running into traffic." All this from a simple walk around the neighborhood. I know it's crazy, but I actually started looking at street signs so I could direct the ambulance if it actually happened.

[Liss]

Oh, the insomnia. I honestly can't even stand to write down just how bad it was the first couple of months.

In my kitchen, I have a counter that sticks out to enclose the space from the breakfast nook, and it's got a little bar sort of thing that comes up to exactly level with my elbow. In other words exactly where her head is when I walk around cradling her. I was always terrified I was going to bash her head in on that. I would see it so vividly - not just the accident but the call to 911, the rush to the hospital, etc. Basically horrible. I think that's why she held her head up really early - I was carrying her up on my shoulder all! the! time!

[Julie]

Your husband/partner may hate you for this.....but I found watching some late night tv helped shut up the chatter in my head and would help me go back to sleep. Mostly though the chatter had to do with the multitude of things I had not accomplished during the day, financial worries, work worries, etc. so watching a bit of Leno or Letterman or Nick at Night (re-runs of Roseanne or All in the Family.....there's a way to put my life in perspective!) really helped take my mind off of things. As for the arguments with my husband over these late night viewings, I would just tell him that he seems to have no trouble falling asleep in front of the TV in the family room - why should it be a problem in bed? Insensitive? Perhaps. When you're sleep deprived and having insomnia, you don't really care about anyone else's needs.

As for the irrational fears - at 18 months, I still have them! Not debilitating ones.....but the visions as if they are memories instead of "what ifs".....ugh. Car crashes, fires, kidnappings....I have at one point had them all. Sometimes I have to remind myself that not EVERYONE in the world thinks my kid is the cutest thing they've ever laid eyes on, and that there's not this BIG RED ARROW over his head flashing "TAKE ME! I'M A GREAT KID!!!" Deep breathing helps. Also, I refuse to watch movies where bad things happen to children. My husband wanted to watch John Q the other night (Denzel Washington where his son has heart failure, needs a transplant now and the insurance company refuses to cover the cost)......I couldn't even be in the same room. Things like that are huge fears for me - of my son developing some horrible disease, or of ME developing some horrible disease. I don't really worry about this happening to my husband though...... Is that horrible of me? Sometimes I think so.....Maybe that's another topic for another day.

It's totally normal and I"m not sure if it will ever completely go away. Your heart will forever be walking around outside your body. It's quite uncomfortable, isn't it?

[shaynee]

The sleep situation sucks, doesn't it? I used to be able to sleep so well--naps, falling asleep at night, what have you. Now my body is so accustomed to waking up multiple times through the night that I still do it, even when my kid doesn't. And I just don't sleep anywhere as restfully anymore, either.

As for visions, my daughter came pretty close to dying back in January when she developed RSV and became septic. What I can't keep from envisioning, or "reliving," is what if events had turned out differently at any of the points during our ordeal: what if we hadn't made it to the hospital right when things were taking a turn for the worse, what if they hadn't been able to get the central line in in the ER when her fever was spiking and her circulation was crashing, what if that particular doctor who was so great hadn't been on call, what if, what if, what if. Is it any wonder she still sleeps next to us at night, at slightly over the age of 2?

[Amy]

So glad to read this post and these comments. I can't offer much except empathy ... I have a fear that I will trip while Baby is in the front carrier and I will crush her. I also have had terrible, breath-stealing moments of panic because of sudden visions of Baby being abducted. It's interesting for me to note that Wendy's baby is 8 months old. I have been asking everyone I know if there is a common 8-month post-partum hormone swing, because I have been *stricken* with anxiety, insomnia, and stomach problems in the last three weeks. I can't pinpoint anything that would be triggering such a sudden and extreme experience. (FYI: I stopped breastfeeding at 12 weeks, so I figured my hormones were back to "normal" now ... though my PMS has been crushing since I started menstruating again, and now, this persistent anxiety!)

[Charisse]

Gah. But me too. I have a lot of notes for a poem related to this (probably called "Innoculations") and this brings it back to the top of my head for next time my weekly writing day is actually a writing day and not a pee on the domestic fires and prepare for the next parental visit/elder health issue day.

My biggest one? Obsessively composing in my head the horrible email we would have to send if Mouse died of SIDS. Now that said Mouse is 3 and rarely wakes up, it often takes me a while to get back to sleep if she does. I think that was always true if I was awakened in the middle of the night...it was just that when I was nursing at night I got sleepy hormones and then for a bit after that I was just so tired that it was easy. Now that I'm not so very exhausted (I only have the one kid), I've reverted to pattern. Exercise and outdoor time seem to help me a lot, when I can get them.

[Nicole]

I, too, had PP insomnia and anxiety. Went to the doctor, quite sure that she would insist on an SSRI. Nope. She was like "You have a baby that wakes you up. That's not insomnia." I would like to second taking a half Benadryl. It worked like a DREAM for me, making life so much more bearable. Good luck. It went away for me around 10 months, FYI.

[Jill]

I had a horrendous hospital experience. The only good part was we both went home, battered but healthy. My fear? That the hospital had a mix-up, and I was given the wrong baby. He didn't look like us, he didn't act like my first baby... I know, it seems silly now, but tell that to a sleep-deprived, hormone driven new mom. It was awful.

[anotherjen]

The BBC (radio) helps me w/ insomnia. The accents and voices are nice, and sometimes it's just enough to distract me from my own visions and worries & I fall back asleep. Unfortunately, the news they deliver can sometimes spur them. Sticking to the cultural program helped with that -download to your ipod.

I'm glad everyone's writing about this. I truly thought I was a freak for picturing these things -- heights are a big one for me.

Also, i found a fish oil brand that has lemon oil, so the burps aren't fishy (if you burp at all) and which is pretty rigorously tested for mercury. My accupuncturist recommended it (she took it while preg / breastfeeding) & I really think it has helped me w/ PPD.

[CT]

Well this is gruesome but I had a really vivid mental image after having my daughter - which lasted for at least the first few weeks. It was of dropping my daughter and her falling headfirst so violently that upon impact her head burst open just like a pumpkin dropped from a great height. I made me cling to her so tightly when walking up and down stairs. I reckoned it was a primitive instinct kicking in to keep a new and clueless mother ever alert :)

[Jan]

I have insomnia all the time, on an off since puberty, so I'm no help there except I can tell you EVERY SINGLE WAY to combat insomnia. I can also tell you the particular combination that (mostly) works for me, but that isn't really what you're asking about.

But I have a fear thing. I tend toward anxiety anyway, but after my second was born, for several months, I had this horrid recurring thought that popped into my head virtually every time I held one of my children. It was the phrase, "lifeless body". As in, "she held his lifeless body" or "her lifeless body lay in her arms". Then I would think to myself that this is what she (usually the older one, who loves to be held and really snuggles and relaxes into it) would feel like in my arms if she were dead. It. Was. Horrible. (Truthfully, it still happens sometimes, and my younger one is 16 months -- my mind hates me, I guess.)

And I'm with Moxie -- I feel almost sick in a horribly superstitious saying-it-will-make-it-happen kind of way just for admitting the thoughts.

[Megan]

Wow, the dropping down the stairs thing is so common! My vision has been not that I will drop my son, but FLING him into space down the staircase! And then have to explain to everyone what I have done. No idea where this particular one comes from. I also once saw a real-life drama where a toddler fell while his toothbrush was in his mouth...you can guess the rest. Now I'm obsessive about DS not walking around with anything sticking out of his mouth. That's a good thing, I guess.

I agree that it's some sort of cave-woman throwback emergency switch. They probably had visions of teradactyl swooping in and carrying off their young...

[wookie]

I knew a lady who had recurring nightmares that she was preparing dinner, opened the fridge and found her newborn in the crisper drawer. She had pretty severe PPD though.

Me, I had a horrible crush on the doctor who delivered my oldest. Still blush when I see him.

My youngest, she cried so little that I was terrified that she was dead in her crib most of the night. It took about 5 months to gain confidence that she definately could use her lungs when she needed too, and that I wasn't neglecting her, she just was a lot less vocal/needy than my firstborn.

[caro]

There is a Lorrie Moore story where someone drops a baby at a picnic and its head splits open on the concrete, and I kept picturing that. As I remember, it's a great and hilarious story in other ways, but don't read it if you don't want another awful image to add to your personal anxiety slideshow.

[lydia]

Caro, that's hilarious. I'm JUST reading that story now. Funny that you bring it up.

I have a lot to say on this topic but too busy right now. Be back later...

[mollyball]

What helped me most was letting go of my frantic nap efforts. That whole "sleep when your baby sleeps" thing just about drove me nuts. One day, when I was truly losing it, trying to nap and not being able to, my husband said, "Dude--of course you can't sleep. It's 9:00am on a sunny Tuesday. You are normal." It felt like the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. After that, I decided that bedtime is 10:00pm, no matter what. I am old, and old people go to bed at 10:00. It really helped. Falling asleep right away felt so good, I didn't care if I ended up waking up ten thousand times in the night. And going to bed at exactly the same time every night no matter how bad or good the previous night had been for sleep helped too. But it really is the worst, isn't it? New Mom Insomnia--my favourite thing about this site is finding out that I'm not a freak after all.

[mollyball]

Oh--and as soon as I became pregnant my fear of flying reached hysterical proportions. I cry and shake at the departure gate now. People love it, I'm sure. I have to fly next month with my husband and 10-month-old and my heart is already in my mouth all the time thinking about it. Awful. I just want to lock all the doors and cuddle with my little family. Safe safe safe.

[Sarah]

I didn't have insomnia postpartum, but I did have intrusive visions of something horrible happening to my child, either from some accident or disease or SIDS or a fall or what-have-you. I had the visions of a car jumping the sidewalk too, but I was able to laugh those off and ignore them.

The main reason I'm commenting is to say that I have personally found massage to be very helpful in the "treatment" of anxiety in general. I had a bout of panic attacks about 8 months before I conceived my child, and I continued to suffer from anxiety symptoms through my first trimester. (It was never bad enough to make me want to get meds, just unpleasant.) During that time, I had a professional hour-long massage, and the effect it had on my mental/physical state, while temporary, was impressive. I had zero anxiety symptoms for about 48 hours after the massage. I can only imagine how much better I would have felt if I had asked my husband for 15 minutes of massage per day!!

[AmyinMotown]

I had the bannister fear too, not that I would throw her but trip and drop her. I still feel nervous prickles when I carry her by there sometimes.

Driving, Oh GOD driving. I am already a nervous driver after an accident, and I was just incredibly axious about it. We live in the city and the streets aren't plowed often, so we end up with ice all over the roads in the winter. I was sure some idiot would run a red light, hit an ice patch and go spinning into us.

I have noticed I am like 100 mercent more on edge when I haven't slept well, so that may be part of what is kicking in with you. I second the half a Benadryl thing. I also liked valerian, if you can get past the baby poop smell.

The main thing that helped me with the anxiety was to just do whatever made me nervous. I still get nervous sometimes in the car with my daughter, especially on the freeway. But I just mke myself do it, and it gets easier.

[stacylane]

Wow. That hits home.

In May, I'm taking my 4 month old son to visit my mother in Florida for the first time. I was just up half the night having these awful visions where I turn my back for a minute and Mom tries to strangle the baby. Ugh.

Mom is not a murderer. But she does have psychological problems that are currently untreated, so I am genuinely concerned about having the baby around her. But still, even at her worst, she's not violent or capable of strangling a baby. Something about sleep deprivation and animal instinct makes our reasonable worries turn into horror films in the wee hours of the night.

Anyway. It's refreshing to be "normal."

[Lisa]

So many irrational fears, most of which have been mentioned. For me it was mostly the falling/dropping stuff, since I'm such a klutz.

Though to reassure the similarly klutzy: When T. was about 6 months old, I was carrying him facing forward in the Bjorn. I stepped in a pothole and fell forward. Luckily, I put one hand out and one around him. I was scraped up, but he was totally fine - didn't even cry until he saw my expression.

Even though all was OK, I did "replay" that one for a while, with alternate horrible outcomes. I finally had to consciously replay the actual memory until it lost a bit of its power.

Oh, and for insomnia, 2 of the homeopathic Hylands Calm's Forte tablets helps me a lot, with fewer side effects than Benadryl or the like.

[Scotti]

I agree with Moxie that the insomnia could be a symptom of PPD or PP anxiety. I know the dark moments you're talking about - lying there wide awake and angry that the baby's asleep and you're not.
For me, this caused even more anxiety ("why can't I sleep??") and anger ("I just want to sleep!!!"), all of which made my PPD much worse. My brain would race about all sorts of inane things - composing thank you notes and going over and over the day's activities and conversations for no real reason.

Consider finding a therapist or counselor to talk to. It can help a lot! I also had good luck with accupuncture for my insomnia.

[Another Erin]

Never have I been so happy to live in a first-floor apartment! I had no idea what I've been spared by not having stairs.

My irrational fears are all narrated in my head by a local TV newscaster in a tone of high gravitas - "And now, a shocking story. Today, a local mother and baby were [insert ridiculous fear here]." A shooting 10 blocks away at 3 am? Cue script. A hit and run in a part of the city I've never even been too? Ditto. A fire caused by drug addicts in a squat? Somehow, the baby and I are there. Not the highly detailed visions other folks have related, but full of gory detail in the way only the local news can do.

[Shelley]

Um, this may not be what you want to hear, but there's a part of me that still listens for my 3-y-o at night. She's on the 2nd floor, I'm on the 3rd, but if she coughs slightly I wake up. I think it's just part of motherhood. I have the occasional terrible-thought cycle you're describing too -- what really helps there is to consciously realize what I'm doing, remind myself that it's unhealthy to think that way, and then REALLY CONSCIOUSLY focus my attention on something else -- something concrete, like how good my jeans feel, the intensity of a color, the softness of my daughter's cheek, or whatever. That last step is key to breaking the thought pattern.

Insomnia? Me too, me too. Have had therapy, and I also have a prescription for sleeping pills (probably not practical if you're breastfeeding), which helps tremendously -- I very rarely take one, but the fact that I have that option is very comforting to me, and helps me to sleep.

[Mary]

Wow, I feel so much better about myself after reading all of this! I've had so many horrible anxieties, fortunately not really all that recently, but I still remember them like they happened yesterday. I also feel a sort of "don't want to jinx myself" but let's just say I live on the 24th floor, and have a balcony. And have a son who loves to hang out at the short fence at the playground where anyone could just reach over and pick him up... and the gate at the playground, 10 yards away from a TRUCK route, is broken and won't stay shut.

Wish me luck - I actually went to the hardware store and bought two yards of chain and a padlock. Tomorrow I'm going to chain off that entrance to the playground, and hope that I don't get turned in and arrested. (I've had the city fix that gate twice before already; I'm tired of it now.)

What about Tylenol PM for the insomnia? That worked wonders for me; I fought cyclical sleeplessness both in pregnancy and postpartum. Heck, even now every once and awhile. The full dosage is 2, which will knock you out cold. Instead, I take 1/4 dose (1/2 of one tablet) it's just enough to make my mind stop and relax my body to the point that I can drift off. Obviously exercise, etc. is a much better way to go... but not always an option. There are no affordable gyms nearby my home that have childcare (I have two - there aren't any discounts, so it would be $20/hr for the childcare alone, nevermind the gym membership!)

[Lisa]

Just to clarify: those "so many irrational fears" I mentioned above are my own.

And one more, just so i can send it on its way with good riddance before heading off to bed: Boat + baby + all the aforementioned falling/tripping/flinging. Aaagh.

[michelle]

Dh has been complaing for the past year or so about me tossing about while i sleep and hitting him. i didn't believe him until i woke up after a night terror and felt myself slug him. seems i've been having dreams of someone tring to hurt DS since i was pregnaunt. So i'm internalizing all those fears and acting out how i would save him. DH had one a month ago and woke up sobbing after he saw and heard DShead crack open. crap, i hope i don't have that dream tonight now that 'm thinking about it.
Being a momma has made me way more cautious when i drive. and once when DH was driving us (me & DS) on a windy narrow country road i was completly freaking out and couldn't wait to get back off the cliff i though we'd drive off of. i'd been up there before and never had a problem so it has to be the mom thing.

[suz]

When my baby was only a few months old we were given a crocheted doll that had a little crocheted baby in its arms. 'Off my gourd' with sleep deprivation I was sitting down showing my baby the doll when it looked up at me and said "kill the baby". I can laugh now, but the visualisation threw me so much it was immediately banished to another room and made to face the wall. Many months later it became one of my daughters favorite toys.

[elizabeth]

I have 3 kids. Oldest are 9 and 10 and we have a baby 3 months. I hate to say this but the fears never really go away completely. They may change from dropping your baby down the stairs and SIDS but they evolve as your kids get older to other fears like serious illnesses everytime they complain of a bellyache or of them being tricked into seeing a new puppy and being gone forever. My Dad once said as I was telling him of my son's latest asthma woes, that having children makes you vulnerable even when they are 32 which is how old I was when I was telling him the story. Sigh.

[hedra]

Drowning is my biggie. Okay, so I nearly drowned twice as a child, maybe there's a reason for that paranoia. And I bet half or more of us were dropped on our heads or bonked on the head at some point or fell in some way (visceral childhood memory?). I think that fear is normal. Because it HAPPENS. Without the head-cleaving part, but you know, it sure feels like your head split open, if you recall whacking the concrete as a kid...

By the way, the whole 'active participant in the disaster' (flinging baby into space, etc.) is (if my sources are accurate) a typical/normal anxiety form. KNew a guy who had fear of heights, but his isn't fear of falling, but fear of flinging precious items over the edge (wallet, glasses, camera, etc.). Can't remember if that form is 1/3 or 1/2 or some other percentage of the normal fear spectrum, but it is a typical form. Figures that the fear of heights/falls thing would escalate in that form as well, when there's something so much more precious at stake...

If the images are unrelated to the direct situation, that's my personal line for PPD/PPA... that is, if I get paranoid and anxious about my child drowning when we're at the pool and cannot bear to let them splash unattended (watched-like-a-hawk-with-my-hand-physically-on-them), that's in my 'okay range', if I panic about and/or 'see' them drowning in the bathtub when we're playing in the living room at someone else's house, that's PPD/PPA. Freaking about dropping knife on child while cutting veggies, normal; sudden visual of myself carving eye goobers out of my daughter's eye with a knife when we're playing in the living room, NOT. That was my line, there, for realizing it was PPD.

I'm generally very calm about anxieties now. I have had some practice working them out with my oldest son and now again with one of my daughters, too. Training my imagination to look for reality, see many paths possible, and determine not just the COST of the risk, but also the likelihood, that's been a help. Granted, I still freeze up imagining taking my kids on a cruise ship. Falls, drowning, AHHHH! :shudder:

Oh, and the fish oil panic thing is BOGUS, re: Mercury/heavy metals. Consumer Reports tested the fish oils (even cheapo brands) for heavy metals. Rancid, you could get (rarely), but no heavy metals - they bond to protiens, and we're talking lipids here. Walmart is cheap and pure. Costco is cheap and pure. The hype about 'pure and free of mercury' approach is actually a marketing ploy of some of the brands. They write up their copy to make it sound like *at least their brand* is pure and free of those contaminants (without mentioning that oh, by the way, so are ALL THE OTHERS!). Um. Ugh.

No fishy burps: Enteric coated versions (best option), or freeze them and take them frozen (minor burps, not too sardiney). Or get the pricey but yummy Coromega (or some other flavored brands, but this one is YUMMY, especially the orange chocolate...).

Or try just eating enough fatty deap-ocean fish in the first place. But you've actually got more heavy metal risk from the actual fish.

[halloweenlover]

I'm so relieved to read this, because since my son was born (now almost 4 months old), I've been having these terrible visions also. It freaks me out, and I'd been asking other moms if this was just part of becoming a mom. You know, always envisioning the worst case scenario. Mine keeps being tripping down the stairs and crushing my son, or him falling off our bed and slamming his head into the corner of our nightstand. Also, someone breaking in and I have to find a way to get us both out, and I elaborately construct plans to save us both.

I've also just recently been having trouble sleeping, and I think I'm going to try what a couple of people mentioned and go to bed earlier and at the same time every night. I know I need to do this, but I treasure the last little bits of time after my son goes to bed so I stay up late. I think it is a major part of the problem.

[hedra]

oh, yeah, corners. Corners of tables, corners of walls, corners of stone steps, corners everywhere! I think I twitched every time my kids walked near my mom's coffee table until she got a cover for the edges. I tend to put my hand over the corners of the table as my kids walk by (granted, my kids still clonk their heads on the table when I don't do this, too).

I tend to try to educate my anxiety, and do realistic things to help. It works, some. Not a perfect fix, but some help. For example, drowning/choking fear = infant/child cpr training. Car crash fear = defensive driving courses and safe car. Window-falling fear = window guards. It is amazing how much just taking down a few of the degree-of-risk items helps the overall constant drain on the emotions. I am actively trying to teach my kids how to assess risk, both in severity and probability. I figure it might be useful someday... and I feel better just teaching it.

And there's nothing like something worse happening to put it all in perspective, too. I also looked up the actual accident/injury/death rates for different risks, to get a clear picture of the probability side. Shocking. Guns and abduction are waaaaaay down on my list, and cars/streets and windows/stairs/ladders are way up.

Oh, and by the way, recent neurology research (2005) links the sudden fluctuations in neuroendocrine compounds postnatally to a potential for a spike in anxiety (as well as the depression risk). It is normal in other mammals, too. The initial preliminary examination on humans (2006) shows the same fluctuations, and speculates that PPD/PPAnxiety may be what happens when the brain fails to adapt to the sudden change. This isn't something different happening in those of us who get PPD, but either more change (far end of spectrum for how much fluctuation) or fewer coping mechanisms/skills/supports for the change period so less functional ability to adapt to the change. Just like our blood sugar is normally supposed to rise toward the end of a pregnancy, but if we're one of the ones for whom it rises early or fast or goes too far, we call that Gestational Diabetes. PPD/PPAnxiety is the far end of the normal anxieties/mood disturbance that comes with the physiological changes after childbirth. (Oh, and some of those changes happen to men, too, so the mechanism isn't just birth, but 'new baby' - fathers and adoptive parents can be affected, too.)

So in addition to all the 'oh, yeah' voices here, neurology is backing us up. Anxiety is a normal part of the changes of parenthood.

[Kate]

FWIW, I believe a *huge* part of my PPD was due to irrational anxiety. Thanks to medication, it's mostly gone away.

(I have to confess to still having the occasional bizzare thoughts of highly unlikely accidents- like what if we're playing outside while the upstairs neighbors are barbequeing on their porch, and their dog knocks over the BBQ and it falls off the balcony and burns my son?)

My husband calls me "Scenario Mom" when I say things like that. LOL.

[Sadie]

I was reading a blog entry a while ago by a twin mom who was musing that perhaps twin moms have an insight advantage over singleton moms in this way: they figure out sooner that we cannot take either too much credit or too much blame for specific ways our kids turn out--- EX: Twin A is soooo verbal... but before you congratulate yourself on reading to him all the time("that must be why!") note that Twin B is barely talking.

Anyway, as a mom through adoption, I've been SHOCKED at how much my body has followed these same patterns--- free of hormones, in much the same way/time frame in relation to development most post-partum women's do. So while female hormones are doubtless POWERFUL things(esp.post partum)--- they definitely don't explain it all.

My personal fave anxiety: that walking by an open but screened window I will suddenly drop her/she will inexplicably leap from my arms and push through the screen and plummet 3 stories to her death. I imagine what it would feel like to race down flights of stairs to her body. to know that i couldn't be next to her body instantly. The sickening, blinding hot pain of realizing that time doesn't rewind. I have a hard time standing up with her or watching anyone stand up with her on the screened in porch(We are on the third floor).
(and that's not it, just the strongest one.)

As for insomnia-- big time. And I have a tremendous sleeper. The kind you keep your mouth shut about at new moms' support groups. At 2-3 months she'd wake up once in a 10 hour streth for a quick bottle at 3--- which my husband covered. And yet.... I couldn't sleep. I'm guessing emotional exhaustion and major life alteration coupled with a total change in exercise habbits(from an hour of cardio 5-7 times a week to zilch).

I also had the strange feeling of not "owning" my body anymore. Granted, I was not recovering from a pregnancy and birth and I was wearing my same clothes, etc-- and yet--- I felt I was no longer "mine" physically. A newborn was draped on me at all times. I was continually baptised with bodily fluids. My shower often didn't happen. Sex was a laughable concept-- I didn't feel sexually generous in the LEAST bit, peaking at about 3 months. As soon as she was sleeping I wanted NO ONE touching me, taking, taking, taking(still it should go without saying that I loved her with a love that humbles and shocks me).

This has definitely been interesting for me. Almost all of this stuff I would've totally attributed to biochemistry before. YEt I'd sit at moms' group(being "congratulated" on my "courage" for coming as an adoptive mom-- wTF?) and listen to the leader soothingly diagnose everything as being caused by estrogen/progesterone/milk hormones, and how I wanted the same tidy assurance.

[Surcie]

I can relate. My child slept through the night at 12 weeks, but I had insomnia for months. And when it came to irrational fears, my imagination was like a hamster in a wheel. I became pretty depressed and what helped me was Paxil plus therapy.

To a certain extent, I think the fears are normal when you have a baby. You feel vulnerable and you suddenly have more to lose.

I just spent a week with my sister and her first child, who is 10 weeks. My sister doesn't seem depressed at all, but she confided that she's afraid to go out onto the terrace of her 15th floor condo because she's afraid the baby will fall somehow. She has no desire to hurt him; she's just afraid of not being able to keep him safe.

Since she seems fine otherwise, I told her to try not to allow her mind to go down that path--that when she finds herself dwelling on scary what-ifs, she should imagine a big red stop sign. That's something my therapist recommended to me, and it helped.

[Alemap]

PPA knocked the wind out of me for several months, until I figured out what was going on. Having taken meds when I was much younger, I'm a big believer in going natural first -- unless you've got extreme symptoms (like harming someone, any one).

What worked for me was good nutrition, exercise, Stress tabs (they have extra B vitamins) and more exercise. Think walking, yoga, etc. rather than hardcore stuff. Also, any sort of self-care that you can afford (haircut, mani, pedi, massage). I had a neighbor watch the kid while I self-pedicured one day. Made a world of difference.

Also, since then, I've learned about aromatherapy and I highly recommend Black Spruce oil. You can buy it online and add some drops to your shower, bath or mix with oil for your body. It helps the adrenal cortex repair itself -- vital if you are feeling stressed since your adrenals are tapped out, too. Rose oil is great, too, because it enhances your sense of well-being and that you are on the right path. Some people really dig using lavendar, but it makes me sneeze. (Oh, and assuming no one is allergic, a bit of the oil of your choice placed on a cottonboll and dropped into your vacuum can enhance your whole living space.)

Finally, make sure you get sufficient water. Dehydration is the number one cause of fatigue among US women and that will only make your anxiety worse.

[rebecca]

Thank you to everyone. I've got the knife scenario going, and I've been worried about being crazy. :)

Also my (rather older) parents are coming to visit soon and I've been more than a little worried about my mom dropping the baby... I think part of it is legit, but also part of it is just the fear that apparently most women face at this time (my son is 7 weeks old).

Thank you all, as usual.