Q&A: out of sync with sex schedule during pregnancy

M writes:

"I'm 6+ months pregnant with baby #2 and have zero sex drive.  Generally uncomfortable (the baby is big and very active), and very tired (have started getting extra iron to combat anemia, so I'm hoping that will help).  Husband's libido is still intact, maybe even in overdrive due how much he likes how I look pregnant.

Our compromise has been to try to go to bed early once or twice a week to have sex or whatever we decide to do.  Trouble is, my definition of early is way earlier than his.  I'm usually drooling on the couch in front of the TV by 10, and he's a nightowl, working late or unwinding (he does come home for lunch and dinner/bath/bedtime for our son).  I've tried staying up later to accommodate his schedule, but I'm too tired to enjoy anything, and I can't sleep in because I have to get up with our 3 yo in the morning.  He thinks I "rush off to bed" when he works late and comes home at 10:30 or 11, trying to avoid him.

The few times sex has been enjoyable during this pregnancy are when our son is in daycare and we both take the morning off and spend the time talking and cuddling for a long time first.  Not so practical in the evening.

Any suggestions?"

I love a softball on a Monday morning.

Throughout history, people (mostly men) have gone to incredible lengths to have sex. They've worked out with Charles Atlas, amassed huge fortunes, gotten a big-nosed friend to write love poetry that they'd pretend was theirs, stuffed their pants with potatoes, spied on Phoebe Cates through the window, pretended to be their own twin sister, worked 7 years for her father after being given the wrong sister to marry, done crazy amounts of manual labor to get someone to teach them how to play bass so they could be in a band, lied, cheated, stolen, and done all sorts of other Herculean tasks, both moral and immoral, to have sex.

All your husband has to do is come home at 9 pm.

This doesn't seem like a particularly complicated logic puzzle to me. You are growing another human being inside your body, which makes your body shut off at 10 pm. There's nothing you can do about that. Your husband can control when he comes home. He wants to have sex. You don't care one way or the other. Therefore, the onus is on him to be ready at 9 pm for sex.

You probably don't want to present it to him this way, but you should definitely point out that you are GROWING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING INSIDE YOUR BODY and that's a little taxing. You love having sex with him, but you just physically can't stay awake, so you need to have sex at 9 pm or not at all. It's absolutely nothing to do with him. (At this point give him a kiss that will shoot straight down to his groin.) You don't care if he stays to snuggle afterward, but you can't stay awake to have sex if he comes home at 10. Thank you for being so understanding. (Another kiss.)

 

He definitely gets points for liking the way you look pregnant. But he really needs to understand how physically exhausting it is to be pregnant. (Did I mention that you're growing another human being inside your body?) And, yes, at this point in your lives, you get to dictate the sex schedule. It's just the way it is right now.

Anyone else? (If you want to comment anonymously, put a fake name in the name space, fake email address in the email space, and an obviously fake URL like www.fake.com or www.google.com in the URL space.)

Comments

[Kelly]

My husband was the exact same way, and now that the 2nd has been born and I'm going through the 1st year exhaustion nothing's changed (other than him being a bit more tired too). What helped us, partly, was me explaining to my husband that I *did* want to be with him, I just was so.damned.tired. I let him in on my frustration that our sex life wasn't as good as it used to be (which helped him feel like he wasn't alone in that respect). I also started grabbing his ass a lot more. Hearing *and* feeling that I still desired him, despite not having the energy to "do it", made him feel a lot better about himself (sexually) and helped him to lay off the pressure as much. Now, that being said, I didn't always do the ass grabbing when it was convenient to follow-through with the suggestion because sometimes it was just "lip service". I wasn't in the mood but pretending to be at an inopportune time helps him feel better without having to commit to something you're not in the mood for.

[Reese]

Just a big ol' "what she said" to Moxie. I was exactly the same way when I was pregnant (still am since I'm the one who gets our girl ready in the mornings) and finally told him a similar thing: I will try to have sex with you twice a week but we have to make dinner, clean the kitchen, and be in bed by 9:30 for that to happen.

For future reference, now the rules have changed to: I will try to have sex with you AT LEAST twice a week but we have to make dinner, clean the kitchen, get her to bed, and be in bed by 10:00 for that to happen.

[anonymous]

Hey, I've been like that ever since #1 was born, and she's 7 years old. (We have 2 now.)

For us, "going to bed early" is a euphemism, and what it means is, as soon as the kids are in bed (between 8 and 8:30), we go to bed too, with the sole purpose being to get some nookie. Afterwards, we can get up and do other evening things, or when I'm just too tired, i stay in bed. The thing is, I go to bed earlier as a rule. When I head to bed, I am heading there because I am wiped out, and I am in my "sleep" window. (YOu know how if you stay up past that window, and then you can't fall asleep for a few hours? Yeah, so if I stay up past 10:30, then I lose a few hours of sleep and I hate myself the next day--but HE stays up till midnight routinely.) So anyway, because of my habit of going to bed when I am ready to sleep, I am adamantely not interested in sex at that point--I am mentally ready for sleep, and nothing else. If sex is to happen, we have to go to bed TRULY ridiculously early. Sometimes I get up afterwards and do normal evening thigns (like watch TV, e-mail, etc.), and sometimes I don't, but the point is, sex isn't going to happen unless it's early enough that my mind hasn't yet gotten in sleep mode. (Of course sometimes, parenting being what it is, we have planned to go to bed early, but one of us falls asleep while putting the kids to bed--do you know how soothing it is to have a 7-year-old new reader read you to sleep?), and it doesn't happen then either.

It's not a perfect solution, but it seems to work. As long as your #1 goes to bed early enough!!!

[fake name]

My first is 7 months old, still exclusively breastfed, and the thing no one ever told me was how NOT in the mood I was going to be for...oh...since she was conceived!

My poor sweet patient husband. I think it's hard for him to comprehend that I no libido At. All. He always asks, "But what about you?" And in my head I'm like, "Honey, if it was about me, I'd be asleep right now not up pleasuring you!"

Everyone assures me that it gets easier. The thing that has helped is the twice a week rule (otherwise it won't happen and that makes us both very irritable). And I told him that any time he spontaneously whisks her off for her bath without me asking, there's a goodie at the end for him. He has yet to take me up on that offer, sadly.

So yeah, hopefully your husband will figure out the coming home by 9pm thing. You'd think it would be pretty simple - it's a behavior/reward thing! Ah well. Good luck!

[fake name too]

I'm right there with you. I love my husband and I think he's right sexy ... I just don't want to have sex 90% of the time now. Throughout the pregnancy I've conked out by 10pm (often earlier) while he's up until midnight every night. Also, his wind-down routine is to have a glass of red wine ... fine if you're both doing it, but since I'm not drinking AND my nose is extra-super-sensitive right now, wine-y kisses and groping when I'm already half asleep turn me right off. The problem is compounded by the fact that going to bed earlier also makes me likely to wake up early, and so on weekends morning nookie only happens if we magically wake up around the same time (almost never). I've had a lot more energy first thing in the morning, and if I start cleaning the kitchen or doing other chores I can't bring back a libidinous mood.

I kept expecting my sex drive would return because so many pregnancy books talk about women feeling sexier and more aroused in the second and even sometimes the third trimester, but although I love my giant belly, and my husband does too, I just feel so awkward during sex that I can't relax and enjoy it most times. I do have fun once we get going, but thinking about all the elements that need to align to get to a 'happy place' just makes me tired.

I'm almost at the end of my pregnancy now, and I expect it just gets harder from here, with post-partum healing and 'sneaking' time away from baby. I don't expect I'll have a sudden swell of desire when my boobs are leaking, the baby's crying and the memory of coochie pain is still fresh.

[anon]

You all need a coded "going to bed early," even if it's just a tone of voice so you all know what you mean. Then, he can get his but out of bed. If sex doesn't help him unwind from his day he's not going to unwind anyway ;).

Also, if that's when he usually comes home, are you sure there isn't some anxiety, resentment, concern about how much he's going to be available to help with the baby after its born? I only ask, because emotional issues go along way towards killing my desire or at least willingness to go to extra efforts.

[Linda]

Yeah, I was hoping I'd get that second-trimester crazy sex drive that I've heard about. At least you try~I just have no interest in sex right now. Blah.

[Hillary]

I hear all of you, but want to throw a follow-up question:

My son is 1. I still have no libido except for when I am ovulating. I even had my doctor check my testosterone levels, which are fine.

What gives? We have a healthy marraige, I love my husband. But I have no thoughts about sex, with anyone.

[fakey]

Ah but ladies how do you MAKE yourself have sex when you are really not in the mood? I am with you all on the zero libido thing but I HATE having to feel like I owe him something just because HIS body/hormones/emotions haven't changed. Where's the sympathy for what I am/have been going through? Where's the empathy for MY sleepless nights? Why is it that I work full time, then come home to the baby for the rest of the night including the several times she wakes up during the night . . . and you want me to do what with you?

[Julie]

Somewhere out there is a woman hard at work creating a "virtual reality" pregnancy for men. I hope she makes millions of dollars. I don't think they understand in their hearts what being pregnant is all about. They can read the books, ask tons of questions, listen to the doctor (none of which my husband did BTW....) and STILL not grasp the enormous tax being pregnant puts on your body. It's like being hungover ALL the time - minus the headache. Or not. And with a toddler? Forget it. Multiply by 1000 and add 5 more days to the week.

I lost my libido around conception - I agree with the poster above about how sex during pregnancy was a huge disappointment. I kept waiting for this huge hormonal sex surge....but it never happened. I was VERY uncomfortable, couldn't be in any position for longer than about 45 seconds before cramping up or losing my breath.....just not great. All of our "encounters" were mercy encounters. For the first year or so after the baby came....also mercy encounters (we have a more colorful term than "encounter" in our house, but I don't know my audience). It's sloooooooowly coming back....but my husband still does not understand how freaking tired I am ALL of the time. And I'm NOT pregnant. I can't even IMAGINE what that would be like.

I agree with Moxie that you need to dictate to your husband when and where, and if he wants it, he'll be there. Just this morning my husband mentioned in bed how we could maybe......you know. I had to say no...that from the moment I wake up, it's go-time. But I would be happy to schedule him in as soon as I put our son to bed at 6:30. So as soon as he goes down, I head out to the family room and say "okay, let's go" and he's out of his chair like a shot. Afterwards, we get dressed, make some dinner, watch some tv, my husband goes out to his office to do some more work, and I can still be in bed by 8:00, which is what time I like to hit the sheets for some unwinding and some Tivo'ed HGTV shows before I fall asleep around 9:30 or 10.

Schedule it. Remind him about how tired you are. Give him a time, tell him to make it happen. If that means that he doesn't come home for lunch a couple times a week so he can be home by 9PM, or you do dinner/bath/bed without him a couple times a week to buy him more time at work......I'm sure you'll survive.

Lay down the law, let him know you think he's sexy and hot......and you're dying for it too, but only between 9:00 and 9:10 PM.
:)

[Fakey Fake]

I'm crazy about sex while pregnant, but I know I'm going to be storing it up for a while because I had zero interest in it after my first kid was born. It took weaning at 1 year for me to get my groove back. But you gotta use it or you'll lose it. Lube helps a lot.

2 more months and I'll be back in no-sex land for a couple of months. (I'm 7 months pregnant.)

[Maria]

Thanks all for your comments. It's nice to know I'm not alone! For fakey, we actually don't have intercourse all that often, maybe a handful of times since I've become pregnant, so I don't feel the need to get on a groove that isn't there. He asks what he can do to make me feel good, so I tell him what I want, which means that usually "going to bed early" means I get a backrub or a foot rub, he gets a blowjob, then we're asleep. Romantic, huh? So he does appreciate that sex isn't so appealing to me right now.

His work schedule is crazy now, but it won't be after the baby's born, and it was like that for our first child as well. He works crazy long hours to get ahead, and then slacks off for a few months once the baby's born. He's actually really considerate when it comes to child care and housework, but he just started a post-doc and he's got tendencies in the direction of the stereotypical absent-minded academic and loses track of time while he's in the lab.

After our first baby, I also had zero interest in sex until I got my period back at around 10 months post partum, and it wasn't back to normal until my son was completely weaned about around 14 months. I think that's so much more common than people admit/discuss. Everything I read about breastfeeding said there would be no impact on libido, but everyone I knew had little interest in sex until the baby was at least night weaned. I think tiredness has a lot to do with that, but also the hormonal aspect of breastfeeding has to play a role.

[Fakeroonie]

I LOVED being pregnant, from the moment I took my first test until I went into labor. For the first time in my life, I felt beautiful and completely happy, etc. None of these things prevented me from completely losing my libido. Granted, I was working 55+ hours a week, swing shifts, so that didn't help, but most of it was directly related to the pregnancy. If my husband and I wanted to attempt sex, we could not do anything without KY, because I was producing what felt like negative moisture. And the only position we could do was me on top from about one month on. Basically, as soon as I could feel my uterus pressing against my organs. Not sexy.
I exclusively breastfed for the first six months, so was still sapped, but my libido did start creeping back after the three month mark. My son weaned himself early when I started supplementing at six months, so I have not nursed for a month. My body feels back to normal -- lost the little bit of pregnancy weight, milk gone, not so crazy anymore :) Latest problem in the sex saga? I have the drive of a teenage boy, but I am not attracted to my husband AT ALL. I don't know if it's the spare tire(s), or the fact that we are no longer trying to make a baby, or that he is less than helpful around the house/with the baby, read: doesn't do anything at all...
Crap, this was supposed to be uplifting! The point is, other factors aside, my drive did come back!

[Jan]

I have two kids now, and going to bed early for me (formerly a night owl ... *sigh* those were the good ol' days) means lights out at 9. I frankly am not that interested in sex at bedtime anymore because as soon as I get anywhere near prone, in the dark, after about 7, I only want sleep.

Our solution has been sex during the afternoon nap period. Yes, it means it isn't an option as many days (I'm in the office 3 days a week, the Hubby is self-employed, sometimes at home but sometimes not) but it is preferable to me being in "OK, let's get this over with" mode from the get-go.

Good luck. And hey, at least he still wants it -- my husband lost interest in me that way at around 7 months both times (just as I was discovering the highest libido I've had since I discovered sex).

[Amy]

This doesn't help while you're pregnant (and for the breastfeeders who can't/won't pump and dump, it doesn't help either), but my suggestion post-baby is to add a little alcohol to the mix. A glass of wine with dinner, maybe one while he bathes the baby/kids, and then one while you both snuggle on the couch (provided you've stayed awake to hit glass #3...). This always gets me in the mood. Easier to do on a weekend when things are more relaxed... maybe even aim for naptime on a weekend and put in a video for the older kids... a door lock on the bedroom is a must.

I have the exact opposite problem right now... I'm 37 weeks pregnant with the libido of a pregnant porn star and hubby won't come near me. Alas... looking forward to that glass of wine when this is all over.

[Faker]

We have 6 month old twins. I was put on pelvic rest around 25 weeks through the remainder of the pregnancy. Before that point we didn't have much sex because I was studying for the bar and growing not one but two human beings. Oh and we did IVF so our sex life was in tatters after going through infertility. Since the twins have been born we've had sex once. I told my husband that he's got guaranteed nookie if he ensures I get a nap on the weekends (by taking the kids out of the house and my nap not ending because of crying babies). As I've said, we've had sex once the same day I got such a nap. I thought for sure I had a win/win situation - I get naps, he gets sex - and we're both happy! But it hasn't been repeated. I think he needs a reminder.
Twice a week rule - ha! you guys are funny...

[Cheryl]

I'm just starting to get some kind of libido back now that I'm getting into the second trimester. It was so frustrating. I'm in bed by seven or eight every night, and hubby stays up until ten thirty. I'm exhausted in the evenings, and I could care less about sex if I'm tired. Now, I tell my husband to get to bed early in case I need to wake him up in the middle of the night.

Those crazy pregnant sex dreams. Wow. If I make myself wake up from them at just the right moment, they do wonders for a sluggish libido. Like the one a few nights ago that dealth with the circus.... anyway.

My biggest problem was with the changes my body went through after having my first baby. The internal structure of my vagina changed enough so most of my favorite pregnant positions hurt like heck now. Kind of puts a damper on any kind of desire I had to begin to know that we both have to be contortionists to make it work.

[---]

I'm a breastfeeding mother ("only" 3 times a day) of a 2 year old, and just recently got my libido back. And since my husband even has a lower libido than I have, we had sex only a couple of times in the last 2 & 1/2 years!

[pseudonym]

Moxie - you're so damn smart!

Just to throw my own stuff into the mix - I loved sex while pregnant. I cannot stand it now, 8 months after baby girl arrived. I'd love to know - how on earth do you ladies tolerate it when you don't want it? Doesn't it feel violating? I creeps me out to "let him have at it" if I'm not into it. All that said, I generally haven't felt very close to my husband since the baby arrived. Our worlds revolve around her ... not us. What to do ... maybe I'll submit this as a Moxie question! (-:

[another anon]

We have always had the late/early bedtime issue. During pregnancy it becomes much, much more pronounced, with me crashing on the couch by 9. My husband tried to be understanding but never really got it. ("Can't you just take a nap?"he would ask. Umm, no. My capacity for sleep while pregnant is endless.)

Our only solution was to have a clear "appointment" for a specific evening so I could mentally prepare to stay up and he would *try* to get to bed by 11. And so we didn't do it very often, but there you are.

[the boxing octopus]

Yeah, my son is 21 months and I like Hillary, I have absolutely no interest in sex except once a month. It drives my husband crazy, and it makes me feel guilty, but I'm not going to force myself to have sex when I don't want to. Of course he takes it personally, and I hope my sex drive comes back eventually, because I don't want him to think I don't love him.

[fake-o name-o]

My comment is probably going to be totally unhelpful to the original question (sorry) but I just wanted to address the ladies who say they have trouble having sex with their hubbies if they're not in the mood.

I have always had low-ish libido. It's not that I don't enjoy sex (orgasms are nice!), it's just that I feel the same level of desire for a bowl of ice cream or a back rub or a new kitchen gadget. It's nice, but I could take it or leave it. My husband's sex timing is usually not ideal: he generally makes advances right as I've gotten myself ready for bed and am half asleep mentally. As yet, I have never turned him down, because I know that even if I'm tired, I usually perk up after we've got started. :-) He's very considerate (he waited for me to give him the green light before even mentioning sex to me after our daughter was born)and his libido isn't exactly raging either, so I'm sure he'd back off if I asked him to, but I haven't felt the need. Sure, I don't feel a "drive", I guess you could say I don't "want" it, but it's not painful and parts of it are even pleasant and I like to give my hubby pleasure. Those, for me, are enough reasons to have sex with my husband even if my libido is low or absent.

[Nicole]

I once heard Ayelet Waldman say that the difference between men and women are that women never think, "I am exhausted and spent. I want to have sex", whereas men think there would be nothing better at the end of a greuling day. Does exhaustion just not affect their sex drives?

[Kay]

I think I'm a closet man. My sex drive is ginormous. We had sex right up until delivery with both kids, and barely made it to the 6 week "all clear" from the doc. And I had c-sections. Oddly, with my 2nd pregnancy, I discovered the g-spot orgasm for the first time. Yay. For some reason, sex DOES make me feel better if I'm exhausted. It gives me energy instead of taking it. Weird.

Pregnant porn star - heh. I like that. That was me.

For big bellies, here is what I found to be the most comfy - on my back with my booty right to the edge of the bed. Him standing. My feet/legs on his shoulders. No pressure or smooshing at all. One other that would work was "doggy" (ick at the name) with pillow under me long ways for cushioning and support.

I think I've only said no to sex a handful of times in the 6 years we've been married. It's important to me for him to be happy. Usually, I'm also in the mood, or know I will be as soon as we start. My husband is also a "generous" lover, so it's not a violated feeling at all. Sometimes it's a hurry the hell up feeling, but lube does help.

Good luck to all!

[Kay]

Oh - and you might try the following *announcement*:

There will be sex in the bedroom at 9pm. With, or without you.

That ALWAYS got my husband in bed on time. ;)

[None]

My people! OK, I haven't had much of a libido since college, but after the birth of our daughter (she's almost two now) it just plummeted. I'm embarassed to admit that we've only had sex about 4-5 times in that whole time period. :(

What worked for us those (very) few times was scheduling it during a nap, instead of at night. He literally works until 3-4am and then comes to bed and wants to? Uh, no. But naptime CAN be arranged. If I had a libido. Which I don't.

*sigh*

[Anonaly]

I'm with Kay --

We made love up until my delivery day (and even did some things on the hospital bed when the nurses went out of the room). We also only made it to day 11 post-partum before we couldn't wait any longer. Sex was pretty regular until recently (my son is 6 months old)-- all that exhaustion is catching up with me.

I gladly sacrifice other things (household chores, etc) -- even sleep!-- for sex. It is important to me and I love it. I cultivate it the way some women do flower gardens. I just cannot imagine feeling the way all of you do about it. And what surprises me more is that some of you use it as a kind of currency to get a man to do things around the house, etc !

[rebecca]

when i was pregnant 14 times a day wasn't enough (not that that happened) - but the libido was there.

i think my partner is totally hot, so that's not the issue, but the drive hasn't kicked in so much, we're at week 7 after a c-section and i'm breastfeeding.

i'd love to have more libido now. it's important to me. (and i'd sacrifice other things too, were i more in the mood).

[Lisa]

What really strikes me here is the diversity of our bodies' responses to pregnancy/childbirth/breastfeeding, in terms of libido and/or pain. Curious that we should have such different experiences, but good to know that no one is alone or unusual in her experience!
I am one of those who loved sex all throughout pregnancy; I was tired a lot and went to bed early, but we'd been fans of first-thing-in-the-morning sex even before pregnancy.
It's been difficult for both of us that my sexual health is still not back to normal after 20 months. We've had sex infrequently but consistently since about 2 months postpardom, but there is always at least a small pain issue for me, no matter how much care we take. I'm still breastfeeding a couple times a day and my cycle has not yet returned... the hope that my libido and enjoyment of sex will return is my primary motivation for weaning at this point. I was planning to wait to start contraceptives until I got my period (we use other birth control for now), but am wondering if anyone has any experience with birth control begun before of after the return of natural cycle kick-starting libido?

[Fakeroonie]

Lisa -- Exclusively breastfed for six months, cycles resumed at four months pp. Libido started slowly creeping back from about two months on. When my son weaned himself abruptly at six months, libido got a major jump-start (pardon the phrase). HOWEVER, it wasn't until I started the pill (Ortho Lo) a week and a half ago that I felt completely back to normal. So my experience with (low estrogen) oral contraceptives has been a very positive one!

[RHW]

Two words: morning sex. My husband has learned it's that, or nothing. We have two toddlers; a drink & a few toys strategically left in the crib buys us plenty of time. After I explained to him that by the end of the day, I was just too damn tired, he was very understanding. Sometimes, I'm really just not in the mood and he really *really* wants it, and we'll do it anyway. BUT we've had to have the discussion that I can't always have an orgasm, he's not allowed to take it personally, or spend hours trying to give me one. The only thing worse than bad sex is starting to have a discussion DURING bad sex about how bad it is or why it's not "working" for me. Yuk!

[Fakester]

Okay, so we're almost 15 mo post delivery and I don't even feel remotely amorous...and yet I feel more "in love" with hubby than ever before. Go figure.

The way I see it, he's got a tough day job and I never go off the clock esp with bf. We're both approaching middle age rapidly. We've got over a decade together, so a year or two of relative chastity won't kill us. I keep thinking of all those military folks who are separated for long periods; they seem to do okay without it.

And lord knows some days it feels like I'm in the trenches...

[anon]

Anyone here heard the comment that once you have kids, 'sleep is the new sex'? You know, the thing you arrange your life around the opportunity for, that you bargain with your spouse for, etc., just like you used to for sex wehn you were newly married? Yep, new child, and sleep became the new sex. Oh, god, what I'd do for sleep!

And funny, sleep was also the KEY to more sex. That and Omega-3's. Sleep deprivation is a SUPER libido killer. And so is o-3 depletion.

Top that off with any kind of irritation and being touched out by a kid in the midst of a sleep regression and ... hard to get in the mood.

My tips:

a- do all Moxie's PPD-resolving things. A lot of low-grade loss of libito might be low-grade PPD.

b- SLEEP FIRST, nookie later. A good bargain to work out: You get me more sleep, I get you more action.

c- For the positions/discomfort thing during pregnancy, I recommend those pricey-but-really-well-designed 'supports' called, I think, 'the liberator' cushions (try blowfish ... dot... com, and NO not safe for work browsing!!!!). Even with a belly 57-inches around (yeah, another twin mommy!), it could be pretty comfortable. Okay, comfortable enough to not be more irritating than good. And hey, I got to use one of them as a prop for labor with the twins, too. I did have to bite my lips when the nurse asked where I got it, in admiration of the nice waterproof wedge... :o

Oh, forgot- oen of my midwives said that being pregnant was like hiking 20 miles EVERY DAY. That's how tired was normal. THat was a good way to explain how tired making a whole other person in my body should make me. Having that to cmpare to seemed to make things make sense to everyone else. And me, too.

[hedra]

Also date nights, if you can manage it. My mom takes the kids for either the evening or overnight (depending on age and how well they sleep over), and we get dinner, and a chance to have fun without interruptions. SOmething about the potential for interruptions just makes it less appealing, even though we technically could manage it more often even without date nights. Knowing the kids are over at my mom's, developing a great grandma-grandkid relationship makes me stop revolving the mama-stuff in my head and get back to the me stuff.

Granted, I know that isn't a reality for most people (family nearby that is trustworthy), but perhaps swapping date nights with another set of parents? A couple of hours on a regular schedule, even if they aren't all NAP dates ;) ;) is a good thing for the relationship. And I know that my DH and I work SO much better together as parents and partners when we've had that connection (physical and conversational). We started out with just going out and talking, getting to know the new me, him, and us. What we cared about changed, how we felt changed, and yes, a bunch of our early dates were just gushing about how wonderful our new son was. GUSH.ING. I still remember. But it was still good, and still made us feel a team, and that helped my libido. And there were plenty of times where we just went and did something together, or sat on the sofa with our feet tucked under each others' behinds reading and eating ice-cream... feeling together, and ALONE together, was a big help. I don't want to lose that connection, since we're going to have (I hope) a long span of time without kids after this that I want to still enjoy. If we don't stay in tune now, we may find ourselves having a hard time getting in tune then.

More Omega-3's didn't hurt, either. But then I'm a big fan of them, all around.

[at the end of her rope]

I'm four months pregnant and finally over the nausea & unbelievable tiredness of the first tri. Now I'm just tired. ;) But *really* horny, particularly in the ams.

The morning sex ideas are great, but I have another problem. My husband has no interest in me sexually. This was a problem before we got pregnant so he got his hormones checked and is testosterone was borderline low. He took T and this improved his drive somewhat, but then we found out that his low sperm count was the source of the infertility we were experiencing. And taking T was lowering his count even more, so he went off it so we could try to get pregnant. AFter riding the fertility roller-coaster, we got pregnant au naturel. (we were *this* close to IVF...)

Now that we're pregnant, he's back on the T, but no change in his behaviour or sex drive at all. He's still apathetic, and only wants sex if I pursue him. It's a bizarre gender-role reversal and, although I'm ok with being aggressive, I am seriously suffering from feeling undesired, unsexy, and unwanted by him. He's more interested in working, grocery shopping, goofing on facebook, fishing, or whatever else, just not being intimate with his wife. Nothing. Not even some cuddling in bed. Nothing.

Given what I know about post-partum sexuality (thanks to everyone here - very informative), I'm envisioning NO sex...ever! And I can't take that. I have a strong-ish libido, and he did too once (oh those were the days). But four years ago, strangely after we got married, his interest just disappeared.

Any advice? I'm at the end of my rope...contemplating single motherhood.

[hedra]

I vote for counseling. If it was after marriage, he may have something of a Madonna/Whore issue. That is, single women are hot hot hot and interesting and sexual, and married women are asexual beings (just like mom, yes?). Mothers, worse. Once they're moms, they're ... well, MOMS. And nothing else.

It isn't an uncommon issue, though it is more typical for it to show up after the first child arrives.

I would seriously pursue the issue, because if you love him, you'll need to figure out if you can get to a workable lifestyle together. If you don't at least try counseling, it is hard to know if you can (basically this becomes an 'I have tried to fix it myself, and it is beyond my skills, I would like to hire a pro to provide some guidance' thing). Unfortunately, most men I know aren't all that interested in counseling. However, if he was willing to get tested for the testosterone before, that may mean he's willing to check the overall issues. Oh, and pregnancy/birth of a child sends the estradiol levels up in men as well as women, so the testosterone levels may need to be rechecked regularly to be able to get the balance right - it is normal for his hormones to change during and after YOUR pregnancy, so they'll be in flux right now. (Hmmm. wait, did you live together before you married? Because living with a woman 24/7 also affects their hormones... it is one of the reasons that married men live longer, at least according to some study I read... their hormone shift changes their behavior and some of their health risks. It may take a little while to shift 'enough' to be an issue, but that may also explain it - without any Madonna/Whore issues at all.)

Good luck!

[lynn]

About having no libido... I found that a vibrator worked wonders. I might not feel "in the mood" at all, but the intense stimulation first woke me up, so to speak... and then I was in the mood. So I guess I'm saying that before kids, there was more mental anticipation, but after kids, I just had to go on faith that I'd get into it once I was into it. And that usually happened, quite emphatically.

[Joy]

I'm a during pregnancy, no- interest girl. I've got three kids, breastfed the first 2 exclusively for at least a year, the third was born in Nov. and I got my sex drive back pretty much 2 weeks post- partum. Yes, I'm exhausted at the end of the day, and with #1 I realized about 6 months post partum I needed to change my outlook. Instead of focusing all my energy on getting as much sleep as possible whenever possible, I started putting some effort into thinking about sex. The more I tried, the more excited I was, and the more I didn't have to try. During pregnancy, forget about it; afterwards, the six weeks of abstinance rule pretty much goes out the window. It takes effort, but that kind of effort gets to be fun after while. Good luck.

[at the end of her rope]

Yes, we did live together for almost two years before we married. I am aware of the T drop that men experience when they pair up. We used to have a seriously hot sex life but that also started to wane when we shacked up.

Funny, I never thought about the married woman as nonsexual idea. Very interesting. I wonder if it's a combo of T drop and role change.

I think he is amenable to counseling. We've done marital counseling before to deal with communication issues. He has a fortress around his emotional self that sometimes requires a nuclear bomb to register as a social call.

I wonder if the impending first child, though dearly wanted by us both, isn't freaking him out on some level, contributing to his emotional withdrawal. I'm a bit freaked out too, but seek out the comfort of others when I'm emotionally distressed. This means I find myself feeling very lonely and wanting to share my joys and fears of being pregnant with him, but he's somewhere else altogether (emotionally).

Thanks for your advice Hedra.

[swimmermom]

What worked for us was a combination of (kindly) telling my DH to get over it already, that this was a different time in our lives and it wouldn't last forever; and conversely my trying to make an effort to meet him halfway.

This is getting OT for the OP, but I didn't want it to go unremarked. For those who find that a glass or two of wine helps them get in the mood, there is *no need* to pump & dump if you are breastfeeding (as a commenter suggests above). The occasional drink or two is perfectly okay. Alcohol passes freely into breastmilk but at very low levels -- the same as the mother's blood levels, ie if she is legally drunk then her blood and her milk both contain 0.08% alcohol. Think about 8 one-hundredths of one percent. That is a miniscule amount, much less than in a nonalcoholic beer. And that's if the mother is drunk! Alcohol also passes out of the breastmilk as it is being metabolized by the mother's system. So just by waiting awhile the alcohol will be gone from the breastmilk without any pumping or dumping.

[fake name too]

I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one who missed out on the libido boost in the second trimester!

I just wanted to add that like the other women here who now take it on faith that they will get in the mood once things heat up, I have found that it helps to take the initiative. I'm not exactly horny at these times, but I am receptive, and I find that I can get myself into it with just a bit of effort (and because I'm taking control, I can proceed at my own pace and time, with however much lube is required!). If I only let my husband initiate, it's often long enough between lovemaking that he's less patient, and I find it harder to get in the mood.

It's certainly not what I expected pre-pregnancy, but between the awkwardness, the fatigue, the hormonal issues and the fact that my favourite positions are impossible with the belly in the way, it's understandable why it takes more effort to get in the mood now.

[hedra]

end-of-rope... I'd vote highly for the impending fatherhood being just too much additional pressure, too. Especially if he's emotionally 'defended', he may have a lot of issues with how his father fathered, and how he'll father, and how important it is, and whether he'll be able to do it. Add in any questions of finances (will he be the main income for any length of time?) and the pressure is, well, pretty terrifying. I was the main income for a while, and I was STUNNED at how overwhelming that was. I thought I could imagine, and I was miles short of the degree of anxiety (panic) involved. I literally had panic attacks daily, and that's not my normal process.

I'd recommend that you look into the book 'real boys' (especially if you're having a boy, but even if not), because it looks at how men's emotional process develops, and how culturally we can either contribute to them being armored and hidden or flexible and adaptable. If he's armored, it may give both of you insight into why/how, and may give ideas for how to parent, as well.

Good luck!

[Mark Vane]

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[Same here]

@ at the end of her rope:

Just wanted to let you know I'm in pretty much the same situation.