Q&A: short end of the stick

Daylight savings time! Gah. No matter how many times we go through it, it still screws us up in my house. (Tips for dealing with it in the link.) Feel free to post all DST-related complaints in the comments section.

And now a question that will surely give all of us a case of the Mondays. Kelly writes:

"I do hope you can help!  I have a 2.5yr old boy who's absolutely in love with his penis.  That's fine, and I know it's normal and don't want to discourage him or make him feel bad or that it's wrong or anything. However, he's constantly trying to get at it, and very regularly pulls off his clothes during nap time or at night to play with himself.  Not too much of a problem, save that he's not even remotely potty trained, which ends with a lot of washed sheets and middle-of-the-day baths. It's also causing a problem in that he loves his 3mo brother's as well and though he's not allowed to touch it he loves watching us change the baby and asks for us to change him and throws tantrums when we close the baby's diaper (to which we now try to take the baby into another room to change, but that's not always an option).  Is there any way we can get his hands out of his pants and keep his crib dry without affecting his future attitude towards masturbation (which we view as healthy and normal) or sex or his body?"

I always kind of feel bad when people write in with philosophical problems with their kids masturbating, but at least they're pretty easy to address (kids need to explore their bodies, just let them do it). A logistical problem with masturbation, however, while easier emotionally, is much more complicated to come up with decent advice.

As I see it, you have a few options:

1. Potty train ASAP. It won't do anything about his trying to get at his penis constantly, but it'll mostly fix the mess and clothes-washing problem.

2. Put him in shirts that snap at the crotch inside long pants that he can't easily get undone. Solves the access problem, but will probably cause fights while you're dressing him.

3. Go crazy with penises all the time--talking about them, playing with anatomically correct dolls (some here and here), drawing pictures of them, etc.--and see if that helps calm him down about his own (or at least his brother's) penis.

4. As much naked time as possible (this will also help with potty training). If he has more access in general, he may not be so desperate to do it when he needs to be clothed. The big problem here is that he could get really cold if you're in a climate that's still in winter.

It seems to me that the big problem here is that he's still on the young side to be able to understand that touching himself is fine, just not at certain times. And, even then, the standard "That's something we only do in our own rooms or in the bathroom" line (works equally well for masturbating and for nose-picking) doesn't help with your problem.

So I'm not really coming up with anything sure-fire. I think if none of the above suggestions affect his need to get at his penis at night and naps, you are going to end up just waiting it out. In another 6 months or so he'll be better able to understand situational rules and that he can touch himself, just not when his clothes need to stay fastened.

If anyone else has anything, feel free to jump in.

Comments

[flea]

I am blaming daylight savings time for the fact that my breast pump has just totally died on me, at work, no warning. Feh on you, Rep. Ed Markey!

[Charisse]

Ha, guess who was more fun to drag out of bed this morning--36-year-old Mr. C or 3-year-old Mouse, both of whom are night owls and morning grumps? I hate DST. Though given that Mouse went to bed at 11 (old time) on Thurs and Fri due to naps at daycare, I'm pretty happy that we managed to adjust her all the way back to 9:30 (new time) by last night--the weather was nice, by some miracle, and we basically ran her around in the sun all day both days.

Awesome, awesome morning tantrum about getting dressed though. Oy.

[Jan]

We got organized with DST this year and started moving bedtime/naptime earlier (by 1-15 minutes every 3-4 nights) about 2 weeks ago, so all was pretty smooth for our two this morning. Of course dragging my own ass out of bed was still painful ...

We had something sort of similar with our coming-up-on-3 year old daughter. I don't know that she was particularly interested in playing with herself, but she did go through a stage of wanting to remove her diaper at night.

We were able to solve it with her by discussing why it is that it's important to keep her diaper on at night. In fact, it's still part of her night-time routine (we discuss the rules for the big-girl bed) to have her repeat (in such a cute, serious voice) "don't take your diaper off ... because the sheets might get wet, and your blanket, and your Baby, and your PJ's ... " (etc, etc, it's turned into quite a long list). We just made a really big deal out of what a good job she did of remembering not to take her diaper off on mornings that she was still dressed.

Might not work on a kid of a different temperment, but it did for us. And it just completely sidesteps the whole masturbation issue, which I think is fine, since that's not what the problem is about anyway, right?

[Helen]

You could try a baby sleeping bag (Grobag). (I assume those exist in the US as well?) They close with a zipper and have a little flap that should ensure that he cannot pull down the zipper himself.

[hedra]

We used those big hospital pads for post-childbirth (chux pads would also do, as would those 'sheet saver' pads used for spitty or leaky infants in cribs) - they became the underlayer for 'sitting and playing with the favorite toy' ;) ... No restrictions other than the safe respectful kind type - you'll be gentle enough with yours, but only the owner knows if gentle is gentle, so no messing with others'; respectful to keep your body explorations private when others outside family are present, respectful of the furniture to use it properly as designed (the potty or pullup/diaper for pee/poop, but feel free to sit on the sofa and play otherwise)... not sure that we did any 'kind' specifically.

After he was closer to trained, we would use just a 'junk towel' unless he was asleep. No nakie butts on the sofa (bed, chair, etc., etc.), must have something between butt and any absorbant surface. Much less cleanup. Didn't speed up the potty training much (motivation was not 'ew' related for him), but did reduce cleanup requirements somewhat.

Encouraged 'naked time in room (not publicly)' a lot, as he got a bit older (3-4-ish). Only minor issues with that (no, we don't invite our playdate friends to go have joint naked time in your room; no, you can't have a tv in your room so you can watch women's beach volleyball during your naked time). General interest/obsession was much reduced after potty training (not sure if that had a role or not, but it coincided), further reduction in amount of time spent on that toy after about 7-8 years old.

My two-year-old twins are as obsessed with their brother's as he was with his own... so it seems age-typical to me.

[sarah]

We have the same problem as well with our 2.5 year old. Add to that he loved breast feeding so much that he regularly jams his hand down my shirt or his own, with the other hand down his pants. He freaked out whenever we tried the one piece pajamas, so we keep him in the onsie (its amazing how large they go up in size). He still tried to get at his diaper--wouldn't take it off but would jam his hand and fold the top over to the point he'd soak the bed (putting his hand through the leg of the onsie, top of the diaper) We then put him in the "good night" diaper--made for older children, I think, but he fit in the S/M size. the waist band gives more than his regular diaper, so he didn't fold it down. Now keeping is sheets dry. As for limiting the contact during the day, we are just trying to stress the "no hands in pants" rule when in public.

[Abby]

you might also try putting the diaper on backwards for bedtimes. It might not last forever, but it might get you over the hump until he is ready to be trained at night or just keep it on.

I second the naked time, assuming you have areas without carpet.

[Kelly]

Thanks for all your advice, Moxie and commenters! It's helpful seeing other parents who've gone through this with their boys (knowing and seeing being two different things) and what other people have done. Let's just hope this phase passes quickly!

[jesse]

ok-- these posts made me LOL at the end of work day! My favorites: 1) No you can't watch women's beach volleyball naked in your room, and 2) the visual of a 2.5 y.o. extended BFer grabbing his mom's breast at the same time as putting his hand down his pants. In public.

I LOVE kids.

[Amy]

I'm trying to remember when my son found his... he was quite obsessed with it for a while and while I spent a lot of time googling to see how much I should worry, in the end he seems pretty normal (though he twiddles it when he reads at night sometimes and I have to remind him that touching himself is something done in private).

Did this "discovery" coincide with the birth of his brother? I remember that in my hunt for answers, one of the suggestions was that little boys who were under stress would often masturbate excesively.

[http://www.amerisleep.com/adjustable-beds.html]

I'm trying to remember when my son found his... he was quite obsessed with it for a while and while I spent a lot of time googling to see how much I should worry, in the end he seems pretty normal (though he twiddles it when he reads at night sometimes and I have to remind him that touching himself is something done in private).

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