Q&A: getting on the same page with parenting approaches with your partner

Frequent commenter Amy writes:

"My husband and I are expecting our first child together (I have a 4.5 yr old and a 7 yr old from a previous marriage) in May. The closer I get to delivering the more nervous I get about his parenting philosophy. He is a self-professed “old school” kind of guy about most things in his life. This causes a little bit of conflict when it comes to raising the older kids, but he pretty much defers to me in the end as the “expert”. I assume it’s easy for him to do this as he doesn’t see them as “his” kids. Yet this baby *is* his and I fear that our styles are really going to clash. For example, I breastfed the older two kids for 14 months and 12 months respectively. Both of them are still very touchy-feely and attached to me. (I see this as a positive thing, he sees it as negative). He blames their behavior on the breastfeeding and general very hands-on parenting. He’s even suggested I not breastfeed this one so as not to have the same results with an attached child. His theory? He wasn’t breastfed and he turned out just fine. Another example—last night at the dinner table I was telling the kids about their sleeping habits as babies. Eldest child was a terrible sleeper, part of which I credit to his personality and part to the fact that at the smallest whimper I picked him up. Second baby was a great sleeper—again partly due to personality and partly due to the fact that I didn’t pick her up at the slightest noise. I went on to tell them about how much they cried in the night as newborns and this is where my husband jumped in to say that we’ll just let the new baby cry from the get-go because as I proved with baby #2 CIO is the way to go (though he didn’t get that letting her whimper for 2 minutes was not CIO). I tried to explain that you can’t just let a newborn CIO, but he countered with disbelief.

What I need is a book or a website (or series of sites) that will bring him up to speed on modern parenting philosophy. I’m about as moderate and mainstream in my parenting as you can get, so I know I’m not asking him to raise this child any differently than most of our friends are raising their children. But I refuse to use 1960s parenting skills just because that’s how he was raised (and remember… he turned out just fine!). He’s an academic and a teacher so he can appreciate recent studies on how babies/children develop and learn, and how to discipline. (I think he probably really needs some info on bonding as he seems to think that just being biologically linked to the child does the trick.) But I need something that’s not in your face or outside the mainstream, just informative so that when he and I talk about how we want to do things he’s got the right info and not what his mother has said worked for her over 40 years ago (and I’m beginning to fear that this parenting experience might be akin to raising a child with an in-law!). If it can be a great read, even better! So, any book or website ideas to bring my husband into the 21^st century in terms of parenting?"

Hmmm. This is an interesting question, because there's so much going on here:

1. How can you help him develop his skills as a parent without taking over the experience for him?

2. How can you help him respect your experience and skills?

3. Is there anything to be done about the fact that he sees the attachment your older children have to you as negative?

4. What books/websites can we suggest to help you?

To me, it seems like the biggest problem is with #3, that he sees attachment as a bad thing. I wonder if he's in touch with how this is influenced by and affects his relationship with his own parents, and how he doesn't need to replicate it with his own kids. If I ran the world I'd tell you he needs to get in to see a good therapist who knows something about family systems theory ASAP to help him work out at least a few of his own issues (cough * denial * cough), but I'd bet cash money that he'd never go to see someone because he "doesn't need to."

I also wonder how this view of attachment (and, consequently, comfort and acceptance) plays out in the relationship the two of you have and how that's going to change once the baby comes.

So I think I'd maybe be looking at this from a whole family point of view, not just a child development point of view. The problem here is that I don't know of any mass market books that talk about attachment within the whole family. There are all kinds of self-help books (the Harriet Lerner Dance of Anger series, for example), but none that your husband would be willing to read if he doesn't know that lack of attachment is a problem.

Which leads to the other problem, #4. I can't think offhand of any parenting books that are going to make a case for attachment as a good thing without sounding too preachy and granola. The obvious choices for gentle parenting and a more attached way of dealing with kids are the Katie Allison Granju Attachment Parenting book and the Dr. Sears The Baby Book, but I doubt your husband will take either of these books seriously, as they both tend to be so far away from what he believes in that they'll be suspect from the outset.

I'm wondering if any readers know of any books specifically about caring for babies that take the same calm, matter-of-fact tones that Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginott (and two excellent books based on Ginott's work, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish and Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen) does. What I love most about the Ginott book (and the other two) is that it's so caring to everyone involved. It is clear about setting loving boundaries, but also being very kind in helping your child learn both self-control and expression of feelings.

So. I can tell you what books I wish I could recommend, but I don't know if they exist. Readers? Are the books of my dreams out there, just unread by me so far? What about websites? And has anyone been in Amy's shoes and worked through it?

Comments

[k]

I have I think the perfect book:
Child Psychology - a Contemporary Viewpoint by Hetherington Parke. ISBN 0-07-282014-4. I am a bit of an academic myself and i bought this one in the local university bookstore when i could take no more self help language. It is used as a general introduction to medical students etc. It is a very well written and thorough expanation of the whole field. It is scientific and very up to date [a whole chapter on the original attachment experiments and how that whole thinking has evolved] and the really neat thing is that it has a cross cultural angle, it explains different methods of child rearing from the kibutz to hunter/gatherer societies. That makes it a great book to begin a conversation about the fact that there are more than one way...
I love this book [can you tell?] - i am wishing you great and informed conversations...

[k]

Uh imagine that all of that was written with grammar and stuff :)

[flea]

Ooh, I think I am going to run out and read the one K recommended!

As a sometime academic myself, I enjoyed "Our Babies Our Selves" by Meredith Small, ISBN 978-0385482578. It's written by an anthropologist and discusses a fair amount of evolutionary biology as well as cross-cultural child-rearing stuff. The author is pro attachment parenting but is not too aggressive about it. It's a really easy read (might not be academic enough for the husband's needs, but makes it good reading for a sleep-deprived mama!)

Maybe I should get my MOTHER to read some of these books...

[Shandra]

I don't have a great book recommendation but I do think the sneakily best time for presenting some might be right after the birth, because he may be able to look at a 4.5 and a 7 year old and say these things, but holding a newborn (mnnn, newborn smell) is quite different. :)

[Helena]

I would recommend Touchpoints by Terry Brazelton. I'm not familiar enough with AP to know where this lies along the scale, but it's written FOR parents with a strong emphasis on the provider/clinician skill-set.

And, "What's Going on in There" by Lise Eliot is actually a really fun read (she's a neuroscientist). There are sections discussing research on the benefits of labor, bfeeding, etc. This actually makes a good baby shower gift for dad, I think. Not too confrontational.

I reiterate Moxie's point about therapy for your husband, though. This tiny baby stuff is a big deal, but it passes quickly. The bigger issues of attachment and etc., loom huge when you think of teething, tantrums, etc.

[Rayne of Terror]

I second Touchpoints as an into to parenting that leans toward attachment w/out the Sears crunchiness. I'd still have Sears Baby Book in the house as a reference.

[Erin]

I second Eliot, _What's Going On In There_. Much of the research she describes clearly shows the value of sensitive, responsive, caring interactions with your babe, without using the language of AP. Also good for cocktail party facts about infant development (for all those cocktail parties I'm sure you'll be attending!).

[Maria]

You could look at The Mother's Almanac by Marguerite Kelly and The Father's Almanac by S. Adams Sullivan. Neither is academic reading, but they are breezy reads, and I've found quite reassuring and informative. They both emphatically state that you can't spoil an infant, and they have tons of great activities for mothers and fathers to do with their kids. Perhaps if he sees bonding as a process that he can participate in (and The Father's Almanac has some ideas on how dads in particular can bond with their babies, and not lose their wives in the process), he won't see it as quite the threat that he seems to now.

There's also The Baby Owner's Manual, which is hysterical. Some people dislike it because it is based on an analogy between a baby and a car, but I think that's the beauty of it. Lots of practical, up-to-date advice (it is written by a doctor and his son, who's also a dad), but not as off-putting as I found Sears (and I lean toward the crunchy).

[Alison S]

As others have said, the skills you need to parent a newborn really bear no resemblance to those you need to parent an older child, it's just that one morphs into the other so gradually you don't really notice.
Seems to me that the actual baby may be very different from the theory he's thinking about at the moment. Also, you only have to deal with one day at a time, so right now you don't need to worry what discipline strategies he thinks he wants to use in 3 years' time, just how you plan to parent a new born baby, because that's what you'll start with.
You want to breastfeed and need to get him on board with that first, because that's the very first difference of opinion and one which will be central to you and the baby. So I would prioritise finding information he can relate to, that gets him on board with the breastfeeding first. Since he's an academic, I think the best approach here would be to run with the physical, proven, health benefits of breastfeeding. I'm thinking about the book written by Karen Pryor a long time ago (Nursing your Baby??) and recently updated, because if he's quite old-fashioned then maybe an older-style book would appeal to him, and that's quite academic in its approach, as I remember. But I haven't read it for years and years, so maybe it's been superceded or is no longer recommended.
Anyway. As far as I can see, your number one bridge is breastfeeding, so perhaps concentrate on crossing that one first?
Hope this helps.

[CJ]

I don't mean to throw another wrench into things, because it doesn't sound like you need more to think about, but just reading Moxie's post made me wonder if your husband was experiencing some latent jealous of your current kids and nervousness over the upcoming addition to the family, and it was surfacing as dissatisfaction with your parenting style?

(Maybe I'm just hoping to banish the issue by saying it's really caused by something underneath? But it was on my mind.)

[jessica]

I think CJ has a good point. Your husband might feel his male ego threatened because this is an area where you really are an expert- and he didn't have to experience it with the other 2 kids. Now that it's his own chld involved, not only will he want say, he'll want to feel like he knows what he's doing and not be overshadowed by your superior knowledge. That being said, may I bluntly say that his ideas are, for lack of a better word, un-sound?

But who knows, he might see the baby and become a total mush. You never know. Congrats on your upcoming addition to the family.

:)

[Debbie]

I don't think you can get any more "mainstream" than "What to Expect the First Year." I don't have it in front of me but it says you shouldn't let babies CIO until at least six months and advises that the breast is best. This might be a good introduction for him as well since it is mostly formatted in a Q&A style and breaks the information down by the baby's age. This might be a good introduction for him as to what living with baby will be like and then you can break out some more parenting specific stuff. Good luck!

[SarcastiCarrie]

For breastfeeding, I reccommend The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. There are whole chapters on the health benefits of breastfeeding, which are numerous (jaw development, speech development, lower rates of obesity & diabetes, plus all the brain development, eye development and immunilogical stuff too). Oh, and it's free and convenient. So, since you will run into this within the first 12 hours, I'd say win him over on this.
And if you're taking a childbirth class, which I think you should even though you have been there/done that, there will be a section on breastfeeding as well (and they usually try to all non-judgmental on that but they say breastfeeding is best).

[Paula]

Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love by Robert Karen, Ph.D. is quite fantastic. It's essentially a 500 page history of attachment research. It very nicely documents how researchers understanding of early attachment has changed over the past 50 or so years and cites studies directly. Not fluffy. ;)

If he's a hard core research type another fantastic book on attachment is Love at Goon Park: Harry Harlow and the Science of Affection by Deborah Blum. It is a biography of Harry Harlow and his primate studies in the 1950s investigating the nature of attachment--he's the guy who did the cloth monkey/wire monkey studies.

A more charming book, also on the same theme, is The General Theory of Love by by Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon. Being a research geek myself, this book directly influenced my decision to marry my husband.

Much more pragmatically, I pretty much recommend the Happiest Baby on The Block dvd to every couple I know with a kid on the way. It shows a guy calming a crying baby using a whole bunch of methods that don't include nursing. I know for me and my husband this was super helpful, because it wasn't me telling him what to do (not mom as expert) and he was empowered to have some effective soothing strategies with our kid.

I envy you having a husband that reads. :)

[Julie M]

Since he's an academic and teacher and emotion isn't going to sway him, I would suggest the book "The Science of Parenting" that came out in 2006: http://www.amazon.com/Science-Parenting-Margot-Sunderland/dp/0756618800/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-8761215-3773507?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1174399924&sr=8-1

It talks about the importance of attachment and hands-on parenting and the risks of using CIO. It is science and logic-based, so it may get through to him. It's got lots of images and pictures and reads similar to a textbook (it has that feels).

I'd also point out to him that he may have "turned out fine" but that he is maybe a bit harder than he would've been had he been raised differently. Raising the new baby hands-on when also result in a person that "turns out fine" but may also be more comfortable with affection, etc.

[cagey]

I'd like to second the recommendation on the Science of Parenting. The research is fascinating and is presented in an easily understandable manner.

I'd also like to second Julie M's comments regarding the book itself and her comments about the reader's husband "turning out fine".

[Ally]

I've never read Dr. Sears - many of my attachment parenting instincts were supported/confirmed by Penelope Leach's Babyhood. And the bonus is it's footnoted out the wazoo and should appeal to someone grounded in research (that's one of the reasons I loved it). I specifically remember her talking about attachment from a scientific standpoint. I'd suggest Amy read it (or Your Baby & Child - goes through age 5 and I keep meaning to pick it up) to confirm what are now my hazy memories of the text, but it may do the trick.

[Jennie]

Good for you for being so proactive! I think some reading is a good approach here and will probably be very productive for your husband, unfortunately I don't have the perfect book to recommend. I did want to comment for encouragement though. Because before I had children I used to say or think, "When I have kids..." It is very easy to have those opinions when you're not a parent, but that doesn't mean you'll actually stick to them when you are. In this sense, I bet once he spends some time with the little one the attachment thing will work itself out on its own, because of course you're going to have the most beautiful, intelligent, charming baby on Earth! And he will see that babies are born with their own little personalities and that family relationships are all about finding a way to respect and manage different needs and personalities. Good luck!

[Slim]

Well, I was going to mention Lise Eliot, but it's been done and seconded, so instead I'll say that I think people are writing great blurbs that should help not only Amy but future readers find something that's a good fit. (For example, I suspect Amy's husband would take The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding as proof the women who breastfeed are lunatics, but I know there are women who love it to bits and have really used it to inform their parenting style.)
As a quick, goofy read, Desmond Morris's Babywatching is fun. He wrote Catwatching and Dogwatching and talks about the evolutionary hows and whys of a species's preferences.

[Summer]

The book I'd recommend, from my limited exposure to baby-care books, is "The Happiest Baby on the Block." (Never saw the video Paula mentioned, which probably reveals that my baby experience is now dated.) It's got a lot of information on why babies are the way they are, written in an accessible but scientific/evolutionary standpoint that I think would appeal to an academic dad-to-be. The book is quite informative about how to handle babies, very useful for someone who hasn't had much exposure to babies, but the overall message is that babies do have feelings and needs and they particularly need to be held, a lot! It's a quick read, and even has summary pages for people (like my husband) who don't want to read the whole book. It was the most useful thing we read before our son was born, no question.

It sounds also like this dad needs a bit of education on why breastfeeding is so important... important for nutrition and health, since it sounds like he's not yet convinced that attachment is a good thing. I'm sure someone here could suggest a website that would make a good argument for why it's so good for a kid to nurse for a year or more. Once he's read a few good articles about the benefits of breastmilk to enhance intelligence and reduce the risks of obesity and disease, I'm sure he'll change his tune about breastfeeding. Or Amy could just show him an accounting of what a year of formula would cost!

[Charisse]

Seconds for both "The Science of Parenting" and "Your Baby and Child" by Penelope Leach...YB&C is the one I still refer to. And I'm "attachment-y" without being "granola" if I think I understand those terms--it's a great perspective fit. Somewhere in the second chapter, "The Settled Baby" she has this awesome comparison of two situations--where you immediately go to the baby crying in the night (after waiting a couple minutes to see if she settles) or where you try to wait it out. Guess which family gets more sleep?

[Deirdre]

http://www.promom.org/101/101reasons_2005.pdf

-Lists many research-cited reasons to breastfeed.

[Melissa]

Sounds like you've got some great suggestions from the crowd so instead of offering reading material I'll offer a story.

In my household I was the latecomer to an already well established family. My husband has two boys, from two different moms, that were 10 and 3 1/2 when I entered the picture. I had no idea what to do with kids and hadn't spent much time around them. The 10 year old and I got along okay. We both acknowledged from the beginning without saying anything that he had enough parents to go around already (his mom was with someone else and his dad had already had another child with another woman) so I wasn't even going to ATTEMPT to parent him. Yet. :-)

The 3 1/2 year old was another story. He did NOT like me and did NOT like my being with his dad, whom he adored. So it took some time for us to get to know each other.

All the parents lived within a few miles of each other and all parties involved stayed friends and saw each other often. The boys came to stay with their father one week and went to their mom's the next. I used to DREAD the Sunday night they'd come over. And I'd feel such incredible relief the Sunday they went to their mom's houses. I felt guilty about this, but I was newly in love and wanted all the attention. But the boys always came first and for this I love my husband. His father was not very affectionate or even vocal in his feelings for his kids so when my husband became a father (at the very young age of 20!) he made sure to be very hands on.

However, I was shocked by some of his parenting styles. I disagreed with a lot of it and once I moved in to the house it caused a lot of strife. We had a lot of late night discussions about it but what it came down to for me was that these were not my kids and while I could makes suggestions I could never flat out demand changes. I had to learn to be patient, to choose my battles, and to try to gently steer bad or self destructive habits into more creative outlets.

Never doubt the power of a woman's suggestion!

The kids are now 18 and 12. The 18 year old hugs everyone when he sees them. The 12 year old says "I love you" to both of us when he goes to bed. I'd like to think that my husband is sending two very well adjusted and loving men into the world! And I'd like to think that I had a little something to do with it.

My point? I do believe your husband's idea will change but you can't preach at him and you can't argue with him if he is set in his thinking. But you can help him to see the benefits to some of your thoughts and ideas, maybe simply by doing what you think is right. Don't give in on what you feel! Always trust your intuition when it comes to your children!

I also think that when your baby is crying in the middle of the night and no one is getting any sleep, and then the crying magically stops when you pick the child up and cuddle him or her that your husband may begin to see the benefits to hands on parenting . . .

Congratulations on your new addition!

[Carla Hinkle]

For someone that likes an organized, no-nonsense approach I always recommend the Baby Whisperer. She never says to let the baby cry (if that is not your thing) and is schedule-oriented without being anti-attachment. Not much on the research end but I found her very practical (I breastfed and never did CIO but loved routins/schedules).

I think CJ is on to something as well. You may have to let the baby get here and then see how it all plays out.

[geobrarian]

Many great suggestions out there. Here are a couple that I didn't see mentioned. In terms of child development, if your husband has a scientific mind, he might like "The Scientist in the Crib" by Alison Gopnik and others. And for a more humorous approach, we've enjoyed: "Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads." It's a little gimmicky, but pleasingly lighthearted.

[Julieta]

When we had our first I bought my husband the The Joy of Fatherhood: The First Twelve Months Expanded 2nd Edition by Marcus Jacob Goldman MD(large paperback). It went month by month about what to expect, gave helpful information, tips on how to help, bond, etc. You can look it up on Amazon and see a few excerpts. DH really liked it and still refers to it with our second. Best of luck and congrats!

[Valerie]

Hi. I wanted to respond since I asked a question several months ago about my husband and me being on different pages regarding discipline. We have 2 kids, ages 1 and 4.5.

When I married my husband, I knew that his family was very old school/tough love like you describe your husband’s family being. We have generally been able to compromise on most things that are important to us, but it is a challenge. He was a breastfeeding supporter from the time he learned about the benefits. Taking a class with him might be good for that. My husband is not likely to read a book on parenting, but he did take several childcare/childbirth preparation classes with me and lots of great info on breastfeeding was discussed in the class. That’s a non threatening way to present it to him and there will be someone other than you there to answer any of his questions.

He is also a supporter of CIO, but he stopped pressuring me to do it pretty quickly and always admitted that if my way of doing things was working for me then he supported it. I’m afraid we did (with our oldest) have a terrible imbalance of childcare duties. It’s better this time around, but I still handle most of the baby stuff. Since we cosleep, and the baby only wakes to nurse, it’s pretty much my responsibility and therefore my business. I think an infant care class might help with him wanting a newborn to CIO, too, since any class will tell you not to do that.

But, the main thing I wanted to say is that it’s great you’re thinking/talking about this now. Spanking is the subject that we have the most trouble with, and I really wish that we has talked about it before out oldest was to the point my husband thought he needed spankings. It was hard for us both to be impartial and get away from the emotion once this was an issue. I wish we has set up some ground rules for spanking before the kids were born.

Good luck, this is a hard issue, and I wish you well.

[parodie]

I was personally quite surprised when I picked up The Baby Book (Sears) and found it much more mainstream in the way it describes parenting than the online debates it triggers would suggest. I would recommended suggesting that your husband take a look at it, he might actually like it - he talks about the role dads can play, the importance of dad being able to offer comfort, etc. I know that my husband (not crunchy by any means) found it interesting and persuasive. In other words - don't dismiss this one, it's very well-written!

[hedra]

All my book suggestions are already taken! :)

I would also like to reiterate the whole 'you can't make him learn' side of things. He's used to being an expert, and it probably makes him uneasy and defensive to be NOT the expert. IMHO, you might do well to give him some of these books, and ask him to educate YOU on them. Chances are that you'll already know most of it, but let him teach you anyway. You've been doing it a while, there's bound to be 'new stuff' in these books, and if he can become an expert on some of it, he'll feel like he's really contributing, like he's an equal partner at least, and like he's got something to offer for 'his' child.

I'd also suggest that when it comes to the 'I'm all right' argument, there are a few responses - a) you are indeed all right, or b) you're not as all right as you think you are... which goes to some not nice places, especially in the 'my parents loved me and would never harm me and so since I know they loved me they therefore could not have possibly harmed me and all my quirks are native to me and not their fault because they LOVED ME!' way... yeah, therapy time. Instead, go here: "Your parents loved you. They learned about parenting, they paid attention, they were smart, and they did things the way that researchers and scientists had discovered was really best. We're going to be the EXACT same kind of parents as they were! We're going to rely on the very best information, the most current understanding of human development, the most well-understood behaviors that will help our kids grow up to be well-adjusted, empathetic, caring, responsible, trustworthy, and reliable members of their community. I'm SO glad we have the example of your parents' willingness to look at the modern ideas about parenting - I'm sure they didn't parent exactly the way their own parents had! They used their brains. Which is exactly what we should be doing, too. So let's read up on the latest research (you first!), and see how we can adapt our approach to the knowledge we have now, just like they did in their time." And smile. :)

Because really, the heart of it is that you/he and they are really in the same plane. They did what they believed and knew to be best, with the best information available. This is what you are doing, and will continue to do. THAT is your common ground, your proof that his parents are loving parents and a good model for him, etc., etc. The model is the gathering of data, the trial-and-error, the willingness to learn and listen to the best knowledge we have on human kind. (The similarities are not in the details, but in the broadest strokes of the THINKING process.) Thankfully, there's a lot better knowledge out there now! :)

Good luck!

[SA]

I would suggest he go to the library and do a little research. Most public libraries have a parent section and he could choose some books himself. A brief glance at some current standards should be an eye opener for him.

If that doesn't work, perhaps a chat with your pediatrician?

[hedra]

Ooh, I like that one - have him find the most 'research-based/science-based' books he can, without giving him anything to start from. Just have him start with general parenting, not 'problem-solving' books, to start. He'll need the basis in child development first.

[Hillary]

Wow, so many good suggestions.
I agree, clinical facts might help him respect breastfeeding as the ideal way to feed baby's belly and development.

I wish he would respect you and your experiences. That worries me.

Be steadfast and calm. Your parenting style is perfect. Being the primary caregiver (I think) you call most of the shots anyway. But you also don't want to feel alone while raising baby. My guess is the more he sees your techniques working, the more he will come around. Even go as far as to site sections of books after the fact—ones that back you up on a decision you chose.

I think he's afraid and doesn't know how to express it.
Hugs

[michelle]

I really like the Secrets of the baby whisper. it has facts to back up stuff and gives examples. also liked that it catorgized temperments and how to deal with them.

i read it wheb DS was a month old and it helped me create a routine for him. this approach might be good with the old school maner of DH.

we didn't cry it out until DS was 6 months when DH insisted on it. Before that i used teh excuse that i didn't want DS to wake DH up at night...

[pnuts mama]

ok so i stopped reading all the way through and even skipped the comments when i read "he's an academic..." because lightbulbs went off in my head and i scurried off to find all my child psych texts, esp. those that highlight AP. what is funny is that way back when i studied all this in grad school, when we learned about attached children, i knew that this was the type of child i wanted to have, one that was 'securely attached'- long before having pnut or folks like dr sears, etc. were on the radar. i would recommend an easy overview book on human development, like "Theories of Development: Concepts and Applications" by William Crain. it overviews all the major human development psychologists and their theories, and might just be interesting for your husband the academic to look through and get a handle on.

The original researchers on attachment parenting were John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, and they did their scientific research back in the 1970's and 80's, which gives you about 30 years of sustained study to back you up, not just 'recent' stuff by what some would consider pop psychologists.

from The Developing Child by Helen Bee, pps 296-297:
"Bowlby's thinking had roots in psychoanalytic though, particularly in the emphasis on the significance of the earliest relationship between mother and child. To this theoretical base, he added important evolutionary and ethological concepts, in his view, 'the propensity to make strong emotional bonds to particular individuals is a basic component of human nature, already present in germinal form in the neonate' (Bowlby, 1988a, p.3). Such a relationship has survival value because it ensures that the infant will receive nurturance. The relationship is built and maintained by an interlocking repertoire of instinctive behaviors that create and sustain proximity between parent and child...when you are attached (child to parent), you feel (or hope to feel) a special sense of security and comfort in the presence of the other, and you can use the other as a safe base from which to explore the rest of the world."

from Crain, pps. 58-59 "Bowlby (1982, p. 356) said that both parents and professionals repeatedly asked one basic questions" Should a mother always meet her baby's demand for her presence and attention? The fear is that too much attention will lead to spoiling. The Bowlby/Ainsworth position is the same as Gesell's. Evolution has provided infants with signals and gestures that promote healthy development, and it is wisest to respond to them. As parents, we should follow our impulse to go to our babies when they cry, to return their smiles, to talk back when they babble, and so on. Infants are biologically prepared to guide us with respect to the experiences they need, and our relationships with them will develop most happily when we follow their clues."

I'm sorry this is so long, I would certainly recommend checking out the researchers on google to find sites that report their research, or look up 'secure attachment' for their theories. Best of luck!

[pnuts mama]

oh, and about the breastfeeding, I would probably focus on the health aspects of breastmilk vs. the attachment issues. The World Health Organization recommends bf until the child is 2, the American Academy of Pediatrics until at least one year of age. someone above put a link to the "101 reasons to breastfeed", also kellymom.com has tons of scientific research, or you could google "scientific health benefits of breastfeeding" to find journal research to show your husband. there is tons of hard-evidence out there, which may appeal more to your husband than popular and contemporary books recently published which would be better for someone else's learning style. again, best of luck to you and your family, i appreciate the journey you are on and i truly respect your attempts at doing what your heart is telling you.

[sisco]

Even the American Academy of Pediatrics, which is, let's face it, the voice of mainstream big medicine, recommends breastfeeding. You'd be pressed to find any medical expert, mainstream or otherwise, who doesn't.

I've found parenting and caring for a child requires a lot of thinking and a lot of skills. We use reference materials. And like good academics, we keep an assortment of sources in the house, written from a variety of perspectives. AAP and Sears, Ferber and Sears, if you know what I mean. We do the research, discuss, and then make informed choices.

This recourse to what my parents did is emotional, not rational, and probably can't be countered with a book.

[Tanya Espanya]

I have nothing to add specifically to this post, but I would like to say:

1. This is one of the BEST parenting blogs around, and

2. What a wonderful group of people with their thoughtful and productive comments, I"m really impressed that no one is snarky or snotty (like in some other blogs?), and it's really nice to see such a wonderful 'village' of information.

[Jen_nifer]

My municipal health unit inundated us with pamphlets for the first year. It included how much it should feed, the importance of breastfeeding, and not CIO before 6 months. Might you have a similar resource?

I can't find the pamphlets online, but here is some info they provide
http://ottawa.ca/residents/health/living/nutrition/birth_six/baby/index_en.html
Breastfeeding:
http://ottawa.ca/residents/health/living/nutrition/birth_six/baby/breastfeeding/index_en.html

[pnuts mama]

i have officially hijacked the comments...one more thing i remembered from a textbook (Bee, pps 362-367) on parenting styles. the four parenting styles are defined by Baumrind, and Maccoby and Martin as follows:
"permissive: high in nurturance but low in maturity demands, control, and communication.
authoritarian: high in control and maturity demands but low in nurturance and communication.
authoritative: high in nurturance (warmth), maturity demands (level of expectations), control (clarity and consistency of rules), and communication between parent and child.
neglecting: low levels of all four."

"Authoritarian parents...are highly demanding of their children but at the same time quite unresponsive:'These parents attempt to mold and control the behavior and attitudes of their children according to a set of standards. They tend to emphasize obedience, respect for authority and order. They also discourage verbal give-and-take with their children, expecting rules to be followed without further explanation. (Glasgow et al, 1997, p.508) Children growing up in such families do less well in school, are typically less skilled with peers, and have lower slef esteem than children from other types of families. Some of these children may seem subdued; others may show high levels of aggressiveness or being out of control.
Children growing up with indulgent or permissive parents, who are tolerant and warm but exercise little authority...tend to do slightly less well in school, are likely to be aggressive, and be somewhat immature with peers at school. they are less likely to take responsibility and are less independant.
The most consistently positive outcomes have been associated with the authoritative parenting pattern, in which the parents are both high in control and warmth, setting clear limits, expecting and reinforcing socially mature behavior, and at the same time responding to the child's individual needs...children of this style show higher levels of self esteem, are more independant but at the same time are more likely to comply with parental requests, and they may show more altruistic behavior as well. they are self-confident and achievement-oriented in school and get better grades from elementary through college. in late adolescence, they are more likely to use principled moral reasoning."

you could google any of these terms or researchers to get the original works from each, also Kristen Glasgow et al did quite a bit of research on parenting styles as well.

Also i should quickly add that combined parenting styles can be confusing for a child, depending on which parent is seen as 'the boss' (i.e. who is the one who ultimately is in control). also, these are very general categories, and further research is needed in this area to explore how cultural and ethnic differences play a role in parenting styles, etc. i'm just passing this along as scientific research to get you started, it is by no means the last word on being a parent, or how anyone definitely "should" parent.

[Julie]

Wow. You have gotten a lot of book recommendations! Hopefully you will find something that will work for the both of you. I am a reader (though not of the scientific bend) and I also found Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp to be wonderful in helping me see that for the first 4 months of a baby's life, in the arms of a parent (or grandparent, aunt, uncle, caregiver etc.) is the best place for them to be, and that you aren't "spoiling" them, or creating bad habits. I am an elementary school teacher, and schedules and routines are the foundation blocks of my existence. I knew my personality well enough to know that having my son on a routine – as much as he could be – was an important goal for me in giving me at least the ILLUSION of having some control. Perhaps your husband is having some control fears as well. This book allowed me to realize that picking up a baby when he cries is not throwing the schedule or routine out the window, it’s not teaching your baby ANYTHING other than the simple fact that you will be there when needed. ALWAYS. Dr. Karp tells you that there is no way a newborn baby can develop bad habits, they are operating solely on instincts developed over millions of years of evolution - AS ARE YOU. The mother. I hope your husband will discover that he is also operating on his own set of instincts developed over millions of years of evolution. I think it is easy for him to have opinions about how you raised your older children, to have opinions about how his parents raised him…but I think that when HIS baby cries, he will respond differently…it’s not an intellectual reaction, but a physical one. You physically must do something. I was astonished to see this emerge in my analytical husband. Most men don’t have a full understanding of how little and helpless newborns are until they are faced with the one they created.

As for breastfeeding – educate, educate, educate!!! While I have no scientific basis for the following statement, I know all the BF moms out there would agree with me or have similar experiences: My son was not sick a single day in his life – not a sniffle, not a cough, NOTHING (nor was I……and again, I am an elementary school teacher, around many germy kids all day long) until we were finished breastfeedng. That’s when he suddenly – within days – developed his first cold. Formula is not bad or evil.....millions of dollars are spent every year to scientifically create something as close as possible to breastmilk (all the cartons claim it's the closest!) and many kids grow up just fine being forumula fed.....but if you are able to breastfeed and you (or your baby) don't have any physical reasons why you can't....it sure is a LOT CHEAPER, and a lot more convenient. If you can't appeal to his emotional side....appeal to his wallet.

Hedra sounds like she has some good ideas for how to phrase things so he's open to trying something more current. Well done Hedra...I need to take some notes on how to handle my own husband who also has stong opinions that are more often than not completely wrong.

[Jan]

We have a similar, if less extreme, situation at our house. On an issue like breastfeeding, I'd have him ask a doctor: your OB/GYN, your pediatrician, his own doctor. I think he'll pretty consistently get pro-breastfeeding advice there. Ditto for the positive benefits of having kids that are attached to you.

Ask him if, when the kid is twelve and getting pressure at school to experiment with drugs, he wants the kid to be close enough to you to come to you about it, or if he'd prefer to have a tween making those decisions without adult input. Just for example.

The thing that's worked well at our house is that I have always invited him to share in the research part of parenting. He usually declines, which leaves him in a position of not so much getting a say. Wait, that sounds awful, but really, if he can't be bothered to find data to back up his ideas, I'm not going to consider changing mine. And he finds that reasonable. It isn't that we don't get equal opportunity to figure stuff out; it's that he just kinda comes up with ideas and I spend a bunch of time reading and thinking things through to come up with mine. Does that make sense?

One of the things that we've talked a lot about is that there's a big difference between raising children and training them. Yes, it's lovely if their behavior is what we'd like it to be right now (whether that's sleeping through the night or responding with "yes, sir" when asked to do something or whatever), but the really important job of being a parent is turning them into happy, healthy, productive adults. Eventually. Sometimes (not always) those are very different goals. If you can get buy-in for that idea, you might find it changes his thinking about some of the other stuff with respect to things like discipline.

Lastly: If he's hands-off with the kids you share now, nothing says he won't be hands-off with the baby. My husband loves his little ones to distraction, but he's more than happy to leave the bulk of the parenting to me. (Again, does that sound awful? But it works for us; I like it that way, too.)

Now, if you could, as k said up there, go back and make that all coherent and go together with flow. :)

[Amy]

Moxie, you could not have posted this at a better time as at dinner last night he referred to my talk of breastfeeding as "spewing rubbish". (Please don't malign him for this, he's trying very hard to understand... he just doesn't get it.)

Okay, to the responses: Moxie, I think you are right that part of his problem with my parenting style has to do with his own issues. His mother said he was very stand-offish as a child and even went so far as a tween to take a bedroom on a separate floor from the rest of the family (a la Greg Brady). So, I suspect he had little attachment himself, and I didn't even think about that connection until you said it. He's not the therapy type, so I will just have to gently win him to my way of thinking.

As for books, I love all the suggestions and might break the bank buying them. I still have Sears on my shelf from the first two kids, but as he finds the child development stuff so fascinating, I think that one of the academic texts or Leach/T. Berry might be better than Sears (but this could also be that I see Sears as crunchy--though correct, though I agree with the commenter who said the book itself isn't as crunchy as his other stuff). (As an aside, anyone have a little crush on T. Berry? I loved his parenting show before I even had kids!)

Thanks to those who shared stories and concerns. My own little story about him: I was telling him that somewhere about week 3 or 4 I'd need him to start giving the baby a bottle as my first 2 refused bottles b/c I waited too late to start them and thus they refused them totally. As I have to go back to work, a bottle (and formula as I have that excess lipase thing) is a necessity when I'm not around. His face lit up with excitement. "You mean you can do that? Use formula and breastfeed?" He was very adamant that he would *love* to feed the baby and would gladly take the late-night feedings if I wanted. The point of this story is that I think those of you who mentioned that he is nervous about not being the expert (when he's very used to be one of the smartest guys in the room) and being shut out b/c of the breastfeeding is a real issue in all this.

He's a great guy and he's trying very hard, but he's also very stubborn. I think your suggestions will go a long way towards bringing him into the modern parenting sphere. Thank you, thank you, thank you! (This is such a great blog and great group of people!)

[Carmen]

There've been a lot of good comments already, but I like to repeat things, so here goes: I've got a lovely husband, who's very comfortable being nice to our baby son (which I think is because he's always been very close to his mum. His dad is 'old skool' as well, as far as I can tell).

But I know vaguely where you're coming from, as my mum is still driving me nuts with her 'In my day we would never have done *THAT*' stories. I've told her simply, that 'her day' was, after all, thirty years ago, and if a trained and certified health professional tells me that you shouldn't leave tiny wee babies to CIO, and that breast is best, than I'll go with their advice any day, rather than hers, which is based on hearsay.

It is much harder to say these things to a husband, though, and I wish you luck! I do think, though, that it will be completely different for him once he sees his own little baby. Even if he's not the touchy-feely type, the helplessness of that little worm, and the fact that it's so obvious that they don't cry for fun, will touch his heart.

Congratulations and all the best for you and your family!

[Kelly]

To stave off the CIO attitude, perhaps approach it from your angle and explain the research that's been done to see the physiological reaction a mother has to her crying infant (adrenaline, blood pressure spikes, etc). It took a while for my husband to really understand that my frenzied reaction to the sound of the babies crying wasn't just paranoia or some emotional freak-out on my part, but a biological instinct.

[debra]

oh, hooray - I've just scrolled through this list and I think my suggestions haven't been mentioned yet.

You should have your husband read anything by Daniel Siegel. I'm thinking specifically, "Parenting From the Inside Out" but "The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact To Shape Who We Are" is also very good. His books are very accessible and readable, but he supports what he says with the latest scientific research. It made me understand how important attachment really is.

Here's the link to the Parenting from the Inside Out -- http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Inside-Out-Mary-Hartzell/dp/1585422959/ref=pd_bbs_8/103-9999088-4844645?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1174423505&sr=8-8

[Caroline]

My husband is far more likely than me to take our pediatrician's advice as gospel. If your husband is at all like him, you could use it to your advantage. If you and your ped are on the same page (obviously you will be on breastfeeding, hopefully you will be on CIO and AP stuff) you can let the doctor make the arguments for you.

[Taylor]

great books suggestions, nothing new to add ... just one comment - if he thinks your thoughtful, gently presented knowledge on breastfeeding is, quote, "spewing rubbish" ... you may have to also thoughtfully, gently educate him on how his disrespectful language is a poor model for his future child. Respectful disagreement is something every child should learn. Not sure if this would go over with him, but really ...

And remember - you can put breastmilk in that bottle, too ... and if he finds it repulsive, he doesn't have to know (though it would be a shame if you have to hide something like that from him). Good luck!

[Anne]

I haven’t read the comments yet so if there is duplication here … sorry.

It seems to me just about every mainstream baby book I’ve ever purchased or was given have all said “pick the baby up/respond to their cries before 6 months – you cant spoil a baby that young.” I’m thinking of titles like “Your Baby Week By Week” I started off thinking I was more mainstream and discovered I’m very AP so I’m a Sears person and “The Baby Book” is one of my main sources of information. I’m currently reading The Men They Will Become” by Eli H. Newberger M.D., a pediatrician and child abuse expert. I get the feeling Newberger is no fan of Sears but he’s very strongly AP in the way he advocates against using physical punishment (especially) for boys and the feeling I get from the early chapters of his book dealing with babies is that he advocates a strong attachment bond = pick your child up and not letting them cry it out (simplistically speaking). And even if this new baby isn’t a boy I’m getting a lot of “how to daddy” vibes from the book so it might make a good read just for that reason.

[Anne]

Now that I’m reading the comments I wanted to add a FWIW- pnuts mama – your quote from your book about “Authoritarian parents” is very similar to what Newberger calls “Levels of Parental Awareness” level one: Me First, Level two: Follow the Rules, Level three: We are individuals, and Level four: Living and growing together.

[anastasiav]

Two comments:

I'd take a different approach on the CIO thing than others above -- I'd get him to read Ferber, who is really the "Godfather" of all the CIO stuff out there. Even Ferber says not to even try to start CIO until between 4 and 6 months. Apparently the 2006 edition of Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems also contains a more positive view of co-sleeping:

"Children who co-sleep, he says, 'are not prevented from learning to separate, or from developing their own sense of individuality, simply because they sleep with their parents. Whatever you want to do, whatever you feel comfortable doing, is the right thing to do, as long as it works.'"

My partner was not enthused about AP either, but I was determined to make it work (although I never had to convince him about the benefits of breast feeding). I sold him on the co-sleeper as an energy saving device (using the idea that if the baby was in the room with us we would wake to his feeding cues earlier and thus everyone would get more sleep), and then he just got used to having the baby in the bed with us while I was feeding him - and began to enjoy it. I'd say he became an AP convert almost by accident - because once he had that tiny baby in his arms he couldn't let go.

Of course, I've had to compromise in some places as well. If I could, I would still have the baby in the bedroom with us, but he persuaded me to try having our son sleep in his own room in his crib while I was ill over the winter, and I've discovered its not so bad (we all seem to sleep better) now that our son is 8 months old.

But if he's convinced CIO is the way to, I'd have him definitely read Ferber. He'll be in for a big surprise about what CIO really advocates. (And just to be clear, I'm not a CIO user or advocate by any means.)