Q&A: 6-year-old and clothing battles

Liz writes:

"I'm struggling with my 6 year old daughter and her clothing.  Every morning it's the same scenario.... we try to get dressed, she flings herself and says this or that doesn't feel right.  When shopping for her clothes - I try to buy only comfortable items, no wool, no "scratchy" fabric, etc.... We waste a lot of money on her clothing since she will just reject an item and never try it again.  I'm getting extremely frustrated and want to stop this early morning craziness!"

All my readers will say to have her pick her outift the night before, including undergarments and shoes, and lay them out so she can get dressed quickly in the morning. And that will be great advice, unless she does that but then refuses to wear them the next morning.

My suggestion is to figure out if there's something she'll wear consistently. Any outfit at all, no matter how boring. If there is, then buy at least 5 of them and have her wear the same thing every day. This will help if there's really something bugging her about other clothes. (And you never know. One friend's daughter wouldn't wear anything with fasteners. Another would only wear pink things.)

If there's nothing she'll always wear, then I wonder if it's a control thing for her, and would try to look at what else is going on in her life that makes her need to control her situation so completely. This could be just a different version of the whole "I'm not eating anything you try to give me" thing that is so common in toddlers. If you can figure out ways to give her more control in other areas, and then establish a consistent pattern for choosing clothes (like having her choose the night before and then stick to that choice the next morning), you might be able to stop the battles.

Good luck. It's not fair--you really shouldn't have to deal with clothing battles until your daughter turns 12.

Comments

[Maria]

Does she try on the clothes before you buy them? And help pick them out? My 3 yr old boy, who is really not all that picky about what he wears, as long as it has Thomas the Tank Engine or a train on it somwhere (sigh), is much more likely to wear something consistently if he helps me pick it out. Even if I just give him the choice between A and B before I buy it. I have had to start trying clothes on him before I cut the tags off because some tags bother him, or they're too long but still too tight around the waist, whatever. Good luck!!

[rabi]

could it be that the clothes really don't feel right to her? tactile defensiveness might be making her really, physically, feel like she can't wear her clothes. my mother (who has fibromyalgia) can't wear anything that is too heavy -- even a normal sweatshirt or necklace would "hurt" her. when she finds a shirt or pair of pants that feels comfortable she buys about ten of the exact same item (though usually in different colors).

[Tabetha]

I've been experiencing the same thing with my daughter, who just turned 7. Many times whe even helped me pick out her clothes, tried them on, said she liked them, and then decided she didn't like them after I bought them. I think maybe she liked the way they looked, and said they were comfy even though they weren't.

I have discovered that she is influenced by her peers. If I point out that her shirt is very similar to her best friends, she is more likely to wear it. Or if it looks ballerina-ish, she is more likely to wear it. Of course, part of it is just pickiness. She likes everything so-so.

I wonder, does your daughter get an opportunity to wake up thoroughly before getting dressed. I have discovered that my daughter does better if she eats breakfast first. If she is just picky, it may just take a little time until she mellows out a bit.

It may help to ignore her grumps and compliment her when she does a great job getting dressed. You might be happy to know that my daughter seems to be mostly over her early-morning grumpiness.

[Shandra]

I'm very sensitive to fabrics and tags and stuff and here's another tip I've found that may or may not work for your daughter - if you buy clothes second-hand/consignment where they are already broken in, often their scratchy/stiff bits have already been worn down.

As a side benefit, if you're buying kids clothes, you can really see which items/brands are going to keep lasting once you flip through the racks a few times.

Of course lots of things end up at second-hand shops because they were uncomfortable in the first place, so you have to try things on, but I find that really helps me. :)

[enu]

One of my daughters was just like that, even as a baby. She was happy as a clam ALL THE TIME, except if you dressed her in something stiff or scratchy. Fortunately for her - I have the same problem, so I "got" it. When you are sensitive this way, wearing uncomfortable clothes really makes you totally miserable - it's all you can focus on until you get the d*mned thing off. So it's worth (at least for child) throwing any other fashion considerations out the window and just dressing her in what feels good. I found fleecy things and very soft cotton outfits worked best for us. It took years til she could wear jeans.

I still have this problem, and it kept me from ever considering certain careers - when I have to wear nylons, a good part of my brain is spent engaged in "get this off! get this off now!!!" instead of whatever it's supposed to be grinding on.

I once had the mom of a friend of daughter's say to me "you always wear clothes that look like nightgowns," which was pretty rude of her, but right on target, and I'm fairly unconcerned about it.

My other daughter will wear anything, as long as it's fashionable....

[AmericanFamily]

If the problem is really the texture or feeling of the clothes, I would guess it is a sensory integration problem. I have a very very mild case of SID, just touching polyester creeps me out. My dad also has the same thing and he claims that the feel of cotton balls hurts him.

There is a book called the Out of Sync Child that is supposed to have good information about sensory integration problems.

[Mary Jo Graves]

I have four grown daughters, 34 to 25. My oldest is expecting a boy in May. I started having clothing battles when my oldest was under three; I quickly learned to let them win. I observed that they learned colors early so they could veto my clothing suggestions.

Each daughter had odd preferences. My oldest preferred the layered look, wearing two or three outfits on top of one another. I wished I could put a sign on her--I am not responsible for this girl's clothing choices. The second insisted on wearing dresses, the frillier the better, until she was 8. Fortunately a friend's daughter refused to wear the dresses her grandmother gave her, so Elizabeth had an endless supply of dresses. The morning of her sister's baptism, she decided she would only wear pants and that persisted for years. The third would only wear purple. My major rule was no long dresses with patent leather shoes in the playground.

They never objected to wearing hand-me-downs if they met their preferences. Their generous aunts indulged their tastes.
When clothes shopping with teenagers, I sat on a chair or the floor, reading a book. When they showed me their choices, I always loved them if they were within our price range. I admit that I felt uncharacteristically good about my mothering when I viewed mother-teenage daughter clothes battles. All four grew up to have excellent taste.

[Eva]

There's nothing she prefers? Not dress-up princessy things? Not "boy" clothes? Not a favorite shirt? Not extra-soft things?

Then it's a control issue, I guess. It should pass eventually, like all stages. If it is a control thing, I would try not to engage her.

Letting her work it out for herself what to wear doesn't work? She just won't get dressed, hm. That's a toughie. Hard to get kids to do things.

I guess I don't have advice on getting her to wear her clothes, but I do have advice on saving money on clothes. Buy second-hand! We get all the kid's clothes at Goodwill and Salvation Army--cute, seasonal, clean, non-stained things can be found! That way you won't feel so bad about what's not worn, and you can just donate back the things that are summarily rejected.

[Eva]

Oh, and you could move the struggle to a less stressful time--not morning. Hash it out the night before. She could even wear to bed the things she ends up conceding to wear. (This offends my sensibilities, but worked for a kid I knew growing up).

[Sarah]

We're having pretty similar issues at our house, with my 5 year old. It started with socks when she turned 3. Elastic waistbands, worn low (thank goodness for low rider girls clothes), shirts are less of an issue. Nothing prickly or rough (she says nothing "porky" to means prickly, and that makes me laugh). As I hate a tight waistband more than anything in life just about, I feel for her. She is now 5.5. And underwear became her enemy. The bikinis that served us so well were now terrible. Like take off her her clothes and lie on the ground crying. Or yanking down her underwear constantly to make it feel better. She did get a doctor's visit for the underwear. The doctor suggested sitz baths, which she did not like.

I almost wrote a few weeks ago, because if I believe this is in the spectrum of a sensory integration disorder, what do I do? I have indluged the no underwear idea for a few weeks. She has new underwear that she likes when she tries it on. but actually wearing to to school all day...hmmm...that leads to tears. Today, after months, she wore socks to school voluntarily. We have had luck with the Stride Rite seamless ocks and it kills me to pay that price. But when she did not wear socks for months--for good or bad--her shoes and feet got really stinky. The stink had made her reconsider socks.

I don't think that is much of a control issue. We tried jeans during back to school shopping and it literally gave her a nightmare to think of wearing them to school. So maybe the control issue is between her and her body.

Any experience out there with therapy? I have read so much about SID online, but the therapy seems to be about more life-altering things--walking, eating, riding in cars. Are seamless socks at $4 a pair just my future? I thought we had it under control until the recent refusals to wear underwear and socks.

Overall, clothes just seems to bug her sometimes. And I am OK with that.

As for shopping--when we find something acceptable, I buy lots of it. So for instance, all of her pants are Old Navy yoga type pants right now. She likes to dress herself and as long as there is no crying, I don't comment on the color combos.

[Jan]

I don't have any experience with this yet, but if it does turn out to be a control issue, I have a thought ...

If there is an outfit that you know she likes, you could do something along the lines of what I see people doing for meals. Pick out (or have her pick out the night before, or whatever) an outfit. If she wears that, great. If she doesn't want that, she can always choose the default know-she-likes-it outfit.

Would that work?

[Amy]

Consequences may work if you feel it's a control issue. Start giving her warnings (she's completely old enough to dress herself, you stay out of her room). You have X-minutes to be dressed or I'm coming in. You now have X-minutes to be dressed etc. After a certain time, THEN you go in, hog-tie her, get her dressed in whatever you want, and drag her to school. Sounds awful, but I've been there. My daughter now dresses herself, and I don't give a flying shit what she's wearing, as long as she's dressed in time for school. Not trying to be rude here, just honest.

[nutmeg]

I have so given up the clothing battle with three girls. They dress themselves and sometimes it's really scary. Last week my three year old would only wear two mismatched shoes - both left feet. One was too big and one was too small. I just can't fight the small stuff anymore. I'm too busy trying to get her to poop in the potty instead of on the toilet seat!

[Meramoo]

I have sensitive skin, and have to be particular about my clothes. Cotton, fleece, and microfiber - especially for socks and underwear - are usually okay. No lace, no tags. Drawstring shorts are usually okay. I used to tuck in my shirts for years because my waist would get irritated by the waistband on my pants. I just buy them big now and wear a belt.

Sarah, I'm incredibly picky about my underwear, and have found high-cut briefs to be less annoying than bikinis. It doesn't look like those are available for kids, but regular briefs are still looser and ride up less than bikinis.

[hedra]

If it is sensory integration, see an occupational therapist to get a set of exercises you can do at home to help shut down the overstimulation reaction. This is a HUGE HUGE HUGE help with my kids. One visit for the assessment, and they sent home a report with a list of 'home sensory diet' activities that would improve the sensory function in the under (and over) sensitive areas, and that would help ease the reaction when a sensory system went kaplooie. (You could also check out the book 'raising a sensory smart child' - that and ... um... I think Sensational Kids is the title - like that one, even if I can't remember the title!). For our kids a lot of the frustrating/annoying activities they indulge in (like jumping, bouncing, wrestling, crashing into walls, etc.) are really part of their self-management for sensory issues. Some good large-muscle work really helps for my kids, but it could be something else for yours based on their exact sensory needs. Something that really helped us - one of those mini trampolines, have the child jump on it for 5-10 minutes, and then do whatever it was that was triggering the resistance. Amazing how much that can help.

It sounds like most of it is sensory - "doesn't FEEL right" is a serious issue. Wait until she's really awake (that's a great tip!), have her exercise first (using whatever sensory diet is best for her - it may be massage that is needed, or jumping, or rolling, or being pressed/hugged, or swinging - find out, and USE it!), and yes, buy used.

And try: Snug but really stretchy clothes (if friction is an issue), very loose swingy clothes - a size ahead of Lands End/Hanna Andersson dresses (if tightness is an issue), tagless tees (Hanes tagless, I get them from an online teeshirt wholesaler), leggings, yoga pants, microfiber tights (or no tights EVER)... experiment, try, try, try. If you engage her in the experiement, you might get some really interesting results.

Trying in the store it is really is hard to tell if clothes will work. 1) they have sizing in the fabric, so it hangs/rubs/feels different than after washing. 2) there's the excitement of being in the store that can overshadow the sensory stuff. I loved loved loved one really cool shirt my grandma got me in this really neato store we went to. NEVER wore the thing. ITCHY, irritating like wearing sandpaper over a sunburn. Horrible. LOVED the pants she got me with it. Hot, heavy, irritating polyester knit with a waistband that bunched up. EW. What did I end up wearing? Teeshirts and jeans, and not any jeans - my brother's hand-me downs were pretty much all I'd wear for years. Soft, beaten-up, broken-in. And my sister's really beat-up old cotton shirts, to the point that the cuffs were wearing through. Soooooft. Nice.

It is frustrating. But you're in the midst of figuring it out right now, and she's just about old enough to really be able to help, and also just about old enough for you to help her so she can gain this as a life skill - knowing what she likes, what feels good, and knowing how to TELL (not just deciding now and have that be forever, but learning how to listen to her body and get an answer back), that's cool stuff. Also, learning that what looks good on the rack, and even what looks good in the mirror is not the same as what you want to WEAR on a daily basis, that's also a huge important skill.

It will take you years (I'm guessing 1-2 at this point, followed by repeats every couple of years to reinforce and finesse the skills) to teach these skills. But you're not really teaching her to 'get dressed', you're teaching her to *dress herself*: for her, for her body, for what works, feels good, looks right, etc. That's a big confidence-builder, and right at a critical time (by 7-8, she'll be thick in the girl-clique-wars, I'm betting). Help now, and maybe she'll have a small leg up.

What looks AND feels right to her is a work in progress. You've just hit the leading edge of it, and it is a huge challenge, in part because (I suspect) it has escalated suddenly (either that or snuck up on you and got huge when you weren't paying attention). Take up the challenge if you can, and run with it. Imagine her being able to choose well and wisely for herself as a teen and young adult (okay, as an adult anyway, LOL!). You can start here, and get there.

No, at 6:30 AM, you don't usually feel like teaching life skills to be used 10+ years down the road (okay, I don't!). But ... but, if I want to survive the morning rush, focussing on the long-term goals makes it a much more positive experience than getting stuck in the 'pleeeeeeeeeze just get FREAKIN' DRESSED! NOW!' part of it. ;) Don't try to do it all at once, but start with the 'let's listen to your body. Move around, and feel what feels good and doesn't feel good - which part doesn't feel right? OKAY! Now, I'll write that down, so we can watch for that when we shop. Now, what doesn't feel right about this other one. Slow down, don't get caught up - just one thing. (etc.)' You've been detective for her before, I bet (anyone who figured out that Ah-HA, it is TEETHING! has, after all!), so this is just a different way of using those skills.

Good luck, and hey, maybe even have fun. Frustrating as it is now, any successes you get down the line will be that much better.

[hedra]

Oh, and I also never ever complain about what they wear - they've always picked, from the time they started showing a preference (8 months old with my oldest, holy PETE!)... and they developed their own styles, with their own rules, and with a blessed disregard for the opinions of others/peers. And... and they've ended up style leaders, 'cool', fashion mavens, all on their own, I think mainly because they really do not care what anyone else thinks, they wear what they like, period.

[Melissa]

If it is a control thing and not a sensory thing - do you know if she is influenced by her peers? You could always let her wear her PJs to school (alert the teachers maybe before hand) and see if she gets embarrassed by her friends wondering why she is still in PJs. Of course, this might backfire and they'll go home and demand to wear PJs to school too!

My younger stepson was always hot and HATED tags or itchy things of any kind. It is still difficult to get him in a long sleeve shirt and he is one of those kids that spends most of the winter in shorts or jeans and short sleeves (he is now 12).

I ditto what was said above - if you find something that she likes buy 12 of them!

[ValleyGal]

If it's a sensory thing, then I'd consult your pediatrician about some help. If it's just a control thing, I'd just give her X minutes to get dressed or she goes to school in her pjs (make sure they're appropriate for school). If you're a benevolent momtator, you might want to hide some clothes in the car to offer her in the parking lot if she has a freakout before she goes in. But she might not and there might not be any negative peer pressure, in which case, I'd buy her some new pajamas and let it be. After years of caring about clothes and being a total fashionista, I went my last two years of high school wearing almost nothing but cut-off sweatpants and t-shirts. My mom wanted to die inside, but didn't say a word. She figured if I was okay with it and it wasn't against the rules (i.e., too revealing), she had bigger things to worry about. If it's a control thing, let her have it... If it's a sensory thing, there are probably people out there who can help her.

[Kathy B.]

I understand the "it doesn't feel right" thing -- I cannot wear anything to close to my throat -- ALL my tops are scoop or V neck -- basically, anything above my collar-bone makes me feel as though I am choking. (For this reason, I do not wear necklaces either!) Tags are another point of irritation for me. I always clip them out -- but then have no idea how to launder them!

I do not think that picking out clothing the night before is necessarily going to help. If it is sensory (vs control) I agree with other commenters -- find those things she WILL wear and buy as many as you can!! One thought - I am sure you pre-wash her clothes before having her wear them, but maybe if you wash and dry them several times (dozens perhaps) before she wears for the first time will soften them enough to be more comfy.

Eh, I really got nothin'!

Good luck.

(p.s. -- I wanna wear PJs to work -- wonder if they'd notice!)

[Amy]

My 4.5 yr old does this. She'll put on 4 different skirts claiming each one is too tight until she finds just the right one. A week later, she'll wear one of the "tight" skirts with no issues. I'd like to think it's a control issue... but given her over-attention to every sensation on her body ("You scratched me", "my finger hurts", "I need a band-aid") I'm thinking that it's part sensory, part control (given that none of it is consistent).

Each morning I'm patient to a point and then I announce that she can go to school in her PJs. I leave the room signalling that I'm done with participating in her dressing. She has yet to come down to the car in her PJs. She usually finds something rather quickly that feels okay to wear.

Oh, and I cut out tags and simply don't buy anything that isn't knit or cotton.

[ikate]

My boss's daughter, now 12, has been like that for a few years. She doesn't want anything constricting. No jeans, nothing with elastic, no buttons, etc. It took a long time for the mom to deal with it, always trying to find the perfect outfit when that outfit already existed - cotton yoga pants with a drawstring and a plain, v-neck t-shirt. She has about 6 of each and wears the same darn thing every day, just mixing and matching the colors. For her, it's a control issue, as she'll wear elastic-waist athletic shorts to play basketball, or jeans to a movie with friends. But for day-to-day it's yoga pants and a t-shirt!

[ALG]

When I was 7, I started refusing to wear tights, even though I had to wear skirts to school (in Boston) and it was COLD in the winter without tights. I hated the way they felt, though, and I sort of still do. (I wore knee socks instead.) I wear pants to work every day for that very reason--I dislike nylons, tights, etc. I also always hating any clothing that I could "feel," meaning that I always wore clothing a size too large. I've mostly gotten over that, mostly because I know it doesn't look great on me. I still think that things that everyone around me thinks fits me perfectly are too tight. They just feel tight to me!

In third grade, I'm pretty sure I wore the same skirt to school every day. It was actually a purple corduroy jumper and I only stopped wearing it because one of my (mean, nasty) classmates asked me why I never got any new clothing.

Good luck!

[liz]

Muffin Man hates fluffy clothes (like fleece), but is fine in flannel. Go figure. Ask her to be specific about what she doesn't like about each item.

[Jamie]

Just a thought about the 4-dollar sock problem? You can buy any sock which stays soft with washing and then turn it inside out so the nasty, evil seams don't touch. I didn't wear socks right way out until I was twenty the seams bothered me so much.

[Lee]

It's not clear to me if the issue is that she won't get dressed at all or if she won't get dressed in what you think she should wear? I echo the commenters who say, "just let her wear what she wants". I reluctantly adopted this stance with my 3.5yo and I find it amazing that we don't fight so much in the morning anymore.

I do run into battles, say, when he wants to wear shortsleeves in February. When that happens, we have a safety discussion which seems to do the trick.

[Lee]

It's not clear to me if the issue is that she won't get dressed at all or if she won't get dressed in what you think she should wear? I echo the commenters who say, "just let her wear what she wants". I reluctantly adopted this stance with my 3.5yo and I find it amazing that we don't fight so much in the morning anymore.

I do run into battles, say, when he wants to wear shortsleeves in February. When that happens, we have a safety discussion which seems to do the trick.

[colleen]

I see a lot of people saying to let them wear the same clothes. To School!!! No way that just isn't right to me. I am having the same issue with my 6yr old, she wears like 4 outfits out of the week for school, I get so embarrassed bringing her to school, she has very nice clothing we buy for her but she flips out when we want her to change. she even hates changing her underwear. my 6 yr old has moved 5 times in her 6 yrs of life, I think my daughter is going through a control issue, maybe she feels she can't control what is going on around her. I am so stressed over this battle with her. But letting her wear the same thing day after day, that just isn't right to me, this is life they need to learn how to deal with it and by wearing clothes that is dealing with life.

[Heidi]

Oh my gosh, you have just described life with my own 4 year old daughter!!! It started at 3 with panties, then socks, now everything. Like you say, it could be something she wore fine a week ago. Everyday dressing turns into tears. I have to stretch her sleeves each morning. She is always pulling at her pants and cries saying "it hurts." I try, then don't wear the (socks, panties etc) but she says "but I want to." She picks her clothes and dresses herself...then throws a fit. I'm kinda lost myself! We have tried positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, cheap clothes, expensive clothes, etc all to no avail!

[Katie]

My problem is my 4 year old son refuses to wear short sleeved shirts or shorts, everything has to be long sleeves or long pants. Well, we live in Florida and in the next couple of months that's just an impossibility! I mean there are days we sweat walking out the door, I could get in trouble for neglect letting him wear long sleeves in dead of summer here. I'm at the end of my rope with this...

[Katherine]

found this and thought it might be helpful, not launching till december though:

www.softclothing.net
www.softclothingblog.net

[ROse]

Sensory Integration Disorder
Read the book: The out of sync Child
by kranowitz.
Online SPD website will help all of you

[Renee]

my daughter refuses to wear panties ever since she was potty trained, she's seven now. What is the problem?

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Just a thought about the 4-dollar sock problem? You can buy any sock which stays soft with washing and then turn it inside out so the nasty, evil seams don't touch. I didn't wear socks right way out until I was twenty the seams bothered me so much.

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Each morning I'm patient to a point and then I announce that she can go to school in her PJs. I leave the room signalling that I'm done with participating in her dressing. She has yet to come down to the car in her PJs. She usually finds something rather quickly that feels okay to wear.

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In third grade, I'm pretty sure I wore the same skirt to school every day. It was actually a purple corduroy jumper and I only stopped wearing it because one of my (mean, nasty) classmates asked me why I never got any new clothing

[Lorraine Tryon]

My 6 yr. old will not were any clothes I pick out, but her father's girlfriend will "tell" her these are the clothes you are wearing and she does! I have the big battle with my daughter not wearing the clothes I buy her or the ones she picks out and then at home, dislikes them. It's very frustrating because she is at the point that almost nothing will fit her. I buy shoes and clothes and put them in her room for her to discover them there,only to say she hates them and they don't fit. I am sooooo at loss w/ what to do. Especially when she will wear the clothes from her father and girlfriend. I even get the same clothes and she whines that they don't fit her...same size and style!!!!! Help!!!

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