Continuing with the theme of aggressive behavior...
In the past couple of weeks I've gotten half a dozen emails from parents concerned about 3-year-olds and truly agressive behavior, from screaming fits to hitting and attacking other kids and adults, to self-mutilation.
Now remember that I'm no expert. I only go by the things I've tried and seen work or not with my kids and all the other parents I talk to (including you all in the comments and by email). I do believe that you know your own child best, and that careful observation is a parent's best friend. So let me break down the things that I've observed seem to make 3-year-olds into strange tantruming fiends.
Stuff they're ingesting. Occasionally I'll get an email from a parent describing a child who seems to be completley unable to contrl his or her out-of-control behavior. Discipline and even outright punishments don't work, and the child seems to be held a prisoner of his or her outbursts. It's as if the kid has no ability to stop.
To me that indicates that there is something physical going on that is making the child act this way. (If you've ever been in pain for a prolonged period, you get what I mean. So much of your energy is going into dealing with the pain that you just have no control over the rest of you, adn you can be pretty vicious with other people.) SInce it's doubtful that your child has suddenly developed some strange illness, I'd take a look at what's going into your child's mouth.
By the age of 3, most kids are not under their parents' control at all times anymore. Any hope you had of controlling everything that goes into your kid's mouth is completely out the window. Either they're at daycare or preschool eating who-knows-what, or with a babysitter or adult relative (who may be feeding them candy or other treats) or at playdates with other kids. That means there's plenty of opportunity for your child to be eating things with artificial colors and flavors, preservatives, and MSG. You're going to ahve to be a real detective to figure out if your kid's eating this kind of stuff. If s/he is, enlist the help of the other adults you child interacts with to go cold turkey on that stuff for 2-3 weeks to see if it helps. For some kids it seems to be a huge factor in negative behavior, and ocne their systems are clear of the chemicals they gain control of the actions like any other 3-year-old has (which is to say in a limited by improving way).
Transitions. Normally we think of transitions as being a problem for young toddlers ("Say goodbye to the trains"), but it hits 3-year-olds, too. Maybe even more so, because now they're able to really be absorbed in an activity, and also to know what's going to happen next. If you have a 3-year-old who's having problems with transitions, try to build more time into your schedule to cushion the transition time. Maybe get to preschool/daycare pickup a few minutes early so you have time to sit down and play for 5 minutes with your child before it's time to put on coats and go home. Develop some ritual that the child can look forward to as soon as you leave school, so there's something positive to go toward. Talk about how hard it is to leave or switch activities. Whatever you end up doing, validate your child's feelings, because that will help him or her feel more open about talking to you about what's making him/her so upset. More talking means less acting out.
Loss of control. It's still such a big issue for this age. Hey, who am I kidding? It's still an issue for most 50-year-olds I know, so how could it not be for a 3-year-old? They still ahve no control over most aspects of their lives, from when they wake up to where they go to whether they have to share their parents with a younger sibling. It's enough to really just piss a person off and make her want to throw something or bite someone. Giving kids as much choice as you can (with what they wear, what they eat from two or three options, what music you listen to in the car, who they invite over to play, what games to play after supper, etc.) the easier this will be for them. That might cut down on the tantrums.
Problems dealing with scary emotions. This is just a variation of loss of control, but it's different because the loss of control is coming from inside themselves. Kids (yeah, adults, too) have problems managing and processing big emotions. It's good for your child to have big emotions, even negative scary ones. You'll help your child accept and manage those emotions by giving them the vocabulary to talk through them. Keep on talking your child through the tantrums and feelings, even if your child seems to be verbal enough to do it themselves. "You're feeling really angry because you couldn't stay at Jack's house. It makes you mad!" Helping them give a name to the feelings is going to validate those feelings and also release some of the need to use violence to express them. Eventually you can help your child think of ways to feel better, like making a plan to go back to Jack's house in a few weeks, or playing with Play-Dough when you get home, or something like that.
Those are the big things I can think of for this age. Anyone else either in this phase or past it who's noticed something else? Anyone just want to commiserate about how challenging 3 can be for both child and parents?
I'm not sure what kind of advice I can offer but I can share a story.
My youngest step son "C" ( who will be 12 next month) was 3 1/2 when I came into his life. His parents were split and he and his mom had recently moved about 4 or 5 hours away. So not only was I a new stranger in his life but suddenly he had no control over when he got to see his dad (he is very close to both his parents). It was a horrible time for all of us. My now-husband/then-boyfriend would sob every time "C" left after a weekend.
"C"'s reaction to all of this turmoil was to stop pooping. It was the only thing he felt he could control in his life. For about 2 weeks he literally did not have a bowel movement. No amount of coaxing, bribing, long hot baths, or suppositories would work. Even in his sleep you could see him thrashing and hear him grunting as his body held tight. Toward the end when he was ready to let go he was terrified because he thought it would hurt. We all celebrated of course the day he was finally able to poop. I'm not sure what caused him to let go but I do know that all three of us (his dad, mom, and myself) spent a lot of time talking, explaining, calming him and his fears. In fact, I'm sure it helped all of us to come together at that awkward stage in our adult lives as well.
We're all great friends today and he is one fantastic kid that I am very close to. I think if you can keep a calm head around your kid and try to address their problems - really listen to them and help them work out whatever is bothering them as Moxie suggested, you will make great progress.
I hope I can remember that in a couple of years when my own little Bean throws a tantrum!
Posted by: Melissa | March 08, 2007 at 11:48 AM
I have discovered that my 3 year old is so much more well-behaved when I make sure to spend time with him. Spending time with him does not mean that I give him my full attention all day long. It means taking a few minutes to read a book to him, letting him "help" fold laundry or do dishes, or just giving him a good 15 minute snuggle time. If your child is in day care, you would obviously have to adapt this to fit your schedule. Be aware, though, that if your child really feels starved for attention (whether or not he really is), your attention to him may be required more often the first few days as he "catches up." After a few days of lots of attention, he/she may be content with less.
Posted by: Tabetha | March 08, 2007 at 11:57 AM
Well, mine is *almost* 3 (and thank you everyone here for the advice a few weeks ago about her insisting on calling me by my first name...and her shrieking at us!).
One thing I've noticed is that she really really wants her independence as much as possible, but she doesn't yet have the mental "other" modeling to tell us in advance when she's ready to do something on her own. So this week it's been a complete nightmare to get Mouse into her coat after daycare. Screaming, taking forever to calm down, etc. Well, turns out that she had been working on doing it herself...and yesterday she did it all by herself and was terribly pleased. But I didn't know that--I've been putting her in her jacket her whole life. And she doesn't quite have the sophistication to think "mommy doesn't know I can do this, so I should tell her before she starts to help"--she just freaked out when I helped. And it seems different from a 2-year-old tanrtum in that she really seems to feel invaded. I'm trying really hard to give her time to do everything herself that she can, and to not automatically help; and to acknowledge her feelings when I do instinctively do something that's not age-appropriate. Talking about it seems to help. I've also been working on "I heard you" in a calm, understanding voice--"I heard you, you don't need to keep yelling, I understand and I've stopped touching your sleeve". That's going to take a bit though, I think.
Secondly, a variant of the attention thing, I find Mouse is much more difficult when she's bored. Right now she's at a toddler daycare and she'll be starting montessori in a few weeks...she's definitely ready to move on and is now the oldest kid in her room at "school". On weekends when we do "big kid" stuff with her and get her lots of exercise with kids her own size, she throws way fewer tantrums. On weekdays, she's really balky in the evening and bedtimes are out of control late. Since this is a temporary situation, we've gotten a bunch of "big kid" toys and games to play in the evening and are trying extra hard to involve her in grown-up activities like cooking and so forth.n (We used to keep evenings calm and cuddly to help her calm down...but when it's a question of understimulation it looks like the other approach is necessary).
I would LOVE to hear what others do!!
Posted by: Charisse | March 08, 2007 at 01:56 PM
Tabetha's point rings really true for me and my daughter, and I'd add that we have gone back to 'babywearing' occasionally: When we're having a tough time and she really needs connection and I really have to make dinner or whatever, if I pop her in the Ergo for a while it can make a big difference.
That said, I am having a really hard time helping her navigate those big scary emotions, for one thing because I'm not that great at it myself. When I try to talk her through it, she gets even more upset and says "Don't say that!" and the like. Any wisdom about this would be most appreciated.
I have been reading Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, and getting a lot of good stuff out of it, but some of it is a little too blue skies and rainbows for OUR reality. So far, anyway.
Posted by: Maria | March 08, 2007 at 02:17 PM
I'm a first time commenter... but this really hits home!
There are two things I read above that we are really feeling at our house with my almost 3 year old daughter. She really does seem to feel much more "INVADED" when she does not get to be the boss of things (like leaving the park). She has much much much bigger, sobbing tantrums.... she even threw up (!) the other day while screaming... I was shocked... (so was she). Also, we are hearing "don't say that" when she does not like our reply or our calming, reasoning words. I would say that, overall, I am finding 3 to be way harder than 2. Yippee!!! So..... what works for us during a tantrum storm seems to be 1) exiting the locale (the room we are in etc.) and going to another room to snuggle with her "na-na" (blanket) and talk slowly and quietly about why I think she is upset, except with no "buts". Like "I think you are so angry that we had to leave the park when we were having so much fun. It is so hard not to be the boss. I would feel very mad, too". I DO NOT add any of my feelings at that moment like "but it was time for dinner"... to bring my agenda home. She knows all that. 2) SOMETIMES (rarely) distraction or being super silly works. Like, the other day I got her out of the bath before she was ready and she FLIPPED out. I called her attention to the fact that she got me all soapy and that made her laugh, so the flippage stopped. 3) Once in awhile, I will admit to her that I screwed up and did not give her enough warning. On Monday, she was sitting on the bathroom counter before school and fiddling with my make up. I took her down and said " time to go!"... of course she went totally bananas. I picked her up and said "oops, mommy did not tell you it was almost time first... do you want 2 more minutes?" It worked. Who knows, though. They certainly don't come with manuals!
Leslie
dd Izzy (Anhui, China)
Posted by: Leslie | March 08, 2007 at 03:22 PM
Disclaimer - As my kid is only 17 months old, I'm still in the realm of Armchair Parenting with it comes to 3 year olds.
I think SLEEP is a big, hot topic that folks totally underestimate. I've noticed a lot of parents dragging their kids around to Target and such at ALL hours of the day (even 10pm). Kids that are crying and freaking out. It leaves me to wonder - when are these kids sleeping? When are they napping? I have a friend who has an extremely aggressive 3 year old. It's to the point where I have to subtly get together with her when her son is in daycare in order to protect MY son from this kid. Time and time again, my friend has pointed out her son stopped napping around the age of 2 and never really napped that well for her anyway. Okay, that's fine, but my sister still insists on an "afternoon quiet time" for her 5 year old son when he outgrew naptime at the age of 4. Otherwise, he is on his last leg (and her last nerve) by dinnertime.
I'm a total be-yotch when it comes to naptime and bedtime. Unless it's Jesus' birthday or something, my son goes to bed around the same times every day. It took many months of crying (both of us) to establish this schedule and I don't want to mess it up.
Anyway, I know I am pretty crabby if I don't get enough sleep, I can't imagine how a pre-schooler gets by without enough shuteye!
Posted by: cagey | March 08, 2007 at 04:16 PM
It's funny about the "Don't say that"...and the "don't say anything!" which we also get a lot of. They already know what we're going to say (try again, put your arm in the hole) and they can say it to themselves. It must be a frustrating age to be.
Posted by: Charisse | March 08, 2007 at 09:22 PM
I'm one of the people who wrote to Moxie with a 3 year old who's freaking out. Actually, it seems like since I wrote things have gotten better. We're still getting the screaming fits, but they're not lasting as long, and she's not hitting/hurting herself or other people as much as she was, just yelling out aggressive thoughts. The improvement could just be the phase of the moon, or working through a developmental phase, but here are a couple of things that seem to be helping:
1) I think she's been missing out on mama attention more than I thought. I have a pretty needy young toddler who is also physically daring, and I'm constantly running around behind her trying to keep her from breaking her neck, maybe leaving B to her own devices too much. I've been trying to work in some mama-and-B-only time every weekend and she is really soaking it up.
2) It's an emotional problem, not a disciplinary problem for B. She knows what the limits are, discipline-wise, and she's even more freaked out by her huge out-of-control feelings than we are. Time-outs just make her feel lousy, even when I explain they're to help her calm down. What helps most when she's in the throes is hugging and physical affection. She has actually started asking for a hug when the tantrum starts and it does seem to help.
3) Positive feedback when she handles a hard situation (comparatively) well: "Hey, I noticed that you used your words to say how you felt about leaving the playground without screaming or hitting or throwing toys. Good job."
Does anyone have recommendations for books about feelings? B is really, really verbal, and she can certainly name her emotions, but I'm not always sure her understanding matches her verbal ability, if you know what I mean. I have found in the past that books are the best way to help her handle new things (siblings, potty training, etc).
And oh yeah, 3 is definitely way harder than 2 for us so far. Oh Lordy, is it.
Posted by: Mary | March 08, 2007 at 11:02 PM
Sneaking in while there's a lull in my work (about 20 minutes of lull, but I'll take it!)...
Couple of things for my kids:
1) FOOD seriously a big issue. High Fructose Corn Syrup is a known issue in the medical world. Kids who are sensitive to it cannot tolerate ANY of it (hot tip - these kids also tend to have problems with too much fruit or juice!). For B, also red dye and preservatives. Research seems to indicate that these don't affect normal positive behavior, but make negative behavior immensely worse.
2) Parents = Those Who Thwart. Honestly, we spent the past year running around preventing them from doing things, right? Even if we did it well and kindly with lots of redirection and praise, they're smart enough to know that if they want to do it, odds are good that we want to keep them from doing it. At 3 (and before, sigh), my kids figure out that I'll thwart them, and start throwing pre-emptive fits as soon as they decide they WANT to do something. Changing from 'she who thwarts' to 'queen joint problem solver and chief aide to the adventure' really helps this phase. I just have to get them to calm down enough that we can solve the problem TOGETHER. It is a brain warp to go from 'no ice cream for dinner' (simple rule) to 'you know, I don't mind if you have ice cream for dinner! I *want* you to eat fun things for dinner! Let's solve this problem together. You want ice cream, I need to know you've eaten enough good things to grow well. So... what do you think we can do so both our problems are solved?' Brain warp, BIG TIME. But at this age, they have to figure out that we're not idiots by actually solving the problems (our problems too!), running the experiments, trying it out (safely). So, if they discover that DANG, mommy is actually right and I can't eat a full dinner after eating ice cream, then that's good info for them to have. Even if it means three tries at the experiment before they get it.
3) Big emotions, big time. COMPLEX emotions, too. Sometimes two or three at once! One of the keys for the kids who do NOT want to talk about it is to just be with them, if they'll tolerate it. Brendan needed us with him, but please keep mouth shut and commentary OFF while he processed, thanks! Nearby, so he felt safe while he wrestled with his feelings. But he needed to get mastry of them himself, and our calm and patient presence while he carried on was what reassured him that these feelings weren't truly dangerous. Gabe needed words, explanations, examples of when I felt that way and how I dealt, stream-of-living voicing any time I felt that during the following week, etc. Wordy wordy wordy. Brendan was more experiential, and far more private. Don't get in my head! Just be, and be with me, and let me know that I'm not scary and bad by doing so.
4) Learn to ask, ask, ask. This is very useful later. And I'm getting reminded by the 9-year-old regularly if I forget to ask. ("Get off the computer and work on your homework, please!" "Mom, you didn't ask if I had homework to DO. I'm already DONE. You forgot to ASK me." "Um, right, sorry about that.") Asking is respectful. You can keep it simple: "Can I help?" Just like you'd do for a friend who was struggling with something.
Again, remembering this age is a huge help for me (okay, still blow it...)... I can remember trying to use scissors. I knew how to do it. I could feel doing it right in my fingers, my hand, my arm. But it was like my body would not do what I demanded. Intensely frustrating, knowing I was telling my body right, and it was like someone rubberized the limb when I wasn't looking. Every movement was bulky, uncoordinated, too large, too coarse. It wouldn't DO IT, despite my very clear understanding of what needed doing. I couldn't even get the angle of the scissors I could see in my head (right angle to paper) to line up with the angle I was making with my body. Like learning to brush your hair while looking in the mirror, I would move one way, and the result would go the other. IMMENSELY frustrating, confounding, and in a way, horrifying. It was what I imagine it is like to recover from a stroke. So, if I speak to my kids as I would to a somewhat over-stressed friend recovering from a recent disabling accident... that's about right. Be prepared to back off fast. Offer assistance gently and rarely. Make no assumptions. Take no umbrage at grumpy outbursts in response. Stay there with them while they work it out. Be compassionate. Be patient. And then be proud of them without too much overt clapping and squealing when they succeed (it just makes my kids look at me like 'what, you really thought I couldn't do that? Am I really that clumsy?'). Okay, I really blow that last one a lot... And they have learned to 'give me the eyebrow' in return, too (it looks like at least 3 of 4 have the ability to arch an eyebrow, a skill that DH and I both lack... darn recessive traits!).
Three is HARD. It is also astonishing. The sense of personal integrity that is developing, the sense of power, accomplishment, understanding of success, understanding of striving... these are huge setups for life. Amazing to see them take root, astonishing to see how deeply carved they are in our genetics. If I can stay back far enough out of it to let them learn to strive and find their own success, it becomes a joy to watch. And when I get involved, the more we work as a team of equals, the better results I get, too. "Respectful" starts getting MUCH more complex and subtle at this age, doesn't it? :)
Posted by: hedra | March 09, 2007 at 11:24 AM
Oh, and I've not found very good books on feelings at this level. They're all very clunky and sound like therapy talk.
My better bet was finding more complex stories that involved a few feelings based on the situation, and asking Gabe what he thought the character felt right then. Actually, Winnie the Pooh was good for that - there's a lot of scared, lonely, powerless, insecure, embarassed, guilty, resentful, and angry in those books, all age-appropriate and unthreatening.
Posted by: hedra | March 09, 2007 at 11:31 AM
Oh, and Curious George, too.
Posted by: hedra | March 09, 2007 at 11:32 AM
Some of these issues are still true with 5-year-olds. I try to say, "Let me know if I can help!"
Posted by: liz | March 09, 2007 at 12:01 PM
My mom got Mouse the "The Way I Feel" books by Cornelia Maude Spelman--the drawings are darling and they were good about 6 months ago when she was learning to name major emotions and so forth. But now she's nearing 3 I feel like it's the complex emotions she has trouble dealing with--I'm sad, I need a hug is something she can process...I'm proud of my new skill but it's not quite working right now so I'm frustrated, and kind of self-conscious because you're watching and I'm a little scared and need your help but I really don't WANT to need it and talking down to me makes me feel dismissed and angry, and I'm trying to control my urge to strike out but it's really hard--that's when we get a freakout.
Hedra, we just read Pooh through for the first time with her, it really seemed to resonate. Also love the Frances books by Russell Hoban--there are a lot of situations where someone disappoints Frances or she knows she should do x but somehow ends up doing y, or she paints herself into a corner. All with great, unsentimental and unsanctimonious humor.
Posted by: Charisse | March 09, 2007 at 12:55 PM
No idea if this is way too simple for 3, but T. is 13 months and I'm 39, and we both (in our own ways) love Dr. Seuss's "My Many Colored Days." (It's not usual Seuss - was illustrated after his death by two others; very painterly in style - but it's still wonderful.)
And thank you all in advance - I have a feeling this will help me a lot in two years, given that I have the sort of kid who already insists on taking off his own clothes without help...
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