Q&A: pacifier weaning too abruptly and sleeping in big boy bed

Peggy writes:

"I read a some of your advice on pacifier weaning. The problem for us is that we had to pull my son off his paci a little too abruptly. He is 2 1/2 years old and has only switched to a big boy bed in the last 2 months (we are expecting a little girl in a few months). I'd say he's willingly been using the pacifier for naps and nighttime only for the last 8 months without needing it or asking for it otherwise. However, we had to pull him off of it recently because he had taken to chewing on them and and we were afraid the nipple would break off and choke him. When he got down to his last pacifier, we tried to explain to him that he needed to stop chewing on it otherwise it'll be broken and we'll have to throw it away. Well, that time came within a few days. It has been terrible since all his pacifiers are gone. He keeps having these fits in the middle of the night where he is looking for the paci, but he is so out of it, we can't comfort him enough to calm him down. He eventually falls asleep on his own. This might happen 1-3 times a night. Also, because he is in the big boy bed and isn't fully adjusted to it yet, he comes running into our bed most nights and we can't get enough sleep (which I really need with a newborn on the way!) I thought it would be better after a few days, but it's been over a week.

In a related matter, do you have any suggestions for getting our son to lay down in his bed and stay there on his own? Right now, he only goes to bed if both my husband and I lie down with him until he goes to sleep. We read a few books and turn off the light (same routine every night), but he won't let us leave. We tried using a gate in his doorway but that was too traumatic for both him and me. We thought we had introduced the notion of a big boy bed as best we could in the first place. He got to help pick it out, and he was really excited about it. He doesn't seem to want to be back in the crib at all, so I don't think that is the issue."

Before I really start in on any of the specifics of this question, I want to tell you not to underestimate the effect of having another baby on the way. Even if it's a few months off, your son is likely to be feeling anxious about it since it's such an unknown. He can't verbalize those feelings (even if he understands them, which he doesn't), so they're going to come out in other areas of his life, including comfort objects, sleep, and behavior. If you can keep that in mind, it'll help you get through this stuff more easily because you'll at least know why some of this is happening and that it's a time-delineated problem.

I think you're stuck with the pacifier problem until it works itself out, which could be a few weeks. In hindsight, you maybe could have saved yourself a little bit of trouble by having some kind of ritual to get rid of the pacifiers (giving them away to "someone who needs them" or burying them in the backyard or sending them to the Pacifer Fairy, or just some kind of ritual to mark the passage). But I don't think there's really any good way to get rid of pacifiers without any trauma at all, and you clearly had no choice but to get rid of them ASAP, so all this Monday-morning quarterbacking on my part is just hot air.

The only thing I can think of that might help is to talk about how he doesn't use pacifiers anymore during the day at least few times every day, to rehearse it with him so it'll stick in his head in the middle of the night. And make sure you talk about it right before bed, too, so it's still in there. It might click at a certain point and he won't be looking for one in the middle of the night if he remembers that he doesn't have them anymore. And even if it doesn't help him have an easier night, at least it'll give you something concrete to do to try to alleviate things until he just moves on on his own.

It sounds like your only problem with staying in his bed is going to bed the first time, correct? I think that's really common at that age, to want someone there while they fall asleep. It's a normal developmental thing, and doesn't mean you'll have to do it forever. Honestly, to me the biggest problem with the scenario is that he wants both of you there. One of you is reasonable, but two is excessive.

Personally, I'd vote for your husband to be the one to get him to bed, because when your daughter gets here you'll be occupied with her, and your son will most likely regress for the first few months and need someone to help him get to sleep (even if he starts going to sleep completely on his own this week). I guess there could be an argument made that it should be you for now and then when your daughter arrives it should switch to your husband, but that's up to you two to figure out.

Whichever one of you is not the one getting him to sleep should arrange to be out of the house at bedtime for a few nights. If you're not there, then you can't be roped into putting him to sleep. (I'm assuming that there are nights occasionally when either you or your husband aren't home at bedtime, so this won't be a completely new thing for your son. I can't emphasize enough the importance of having something even once a month that lets you get out at night to do something adult.) Although this is going to be annoying, I'd also recommend having your husband lie down on the floor next to him, instead of in his bed, because that makes it easier just to roll up and walk out, since it won't shake the bed and risk waking your son. The first night or two might be a little rough for your husband (depending on how tenacious your son is*) but then they should settle into a good pattern, and you can start being home at bedtime again.

I think you guys should be prepared to have to be in there with him to drift off to sleep until a few months after the baby comes. (I'm being realistic here. It's not my goal to blow smoke up anyone's skirts by saying it'll take a week at this particular point in his life. If the baby wasn't on the way, it might only be a few weeks, but this is a fragile time. And who knows? Your son might start going to bed just fine on his own after a day or two anyway.) When you feel like he could be loosening up and not really needing your husband anymore, your husband can use the tried-and-true method of saying he has to leave to go to the bathroom but will be back. Then gradually he stays away longer and longer, to see how long it takes your son to fall asleep once he's out of the room. One day your son will forget to ask for him to stay, and everything will have clicked into place without anyone realizing it.

Good luck. This is such a tough time because of the transitions happening, but it will get easier in a lot of ways once the baby comes.

* Hey, tenacious is a really really good quality in a person. It bodes really well for later success. It's just a little inconvenient when you're trying to change that toddler person's sleep patterns.

Comments

[Kate]

Our daughter (now 2 1/2) never really slept in a crib; she moved to a toddler bed at 14 months. She treated it like a crib for a long time in that she wouldn't get out of it even though she could. But there was a point after she stopped nursing-to-sleep (she would nurse and go to bed awake) that she wanted someone with her as she fell asleep. My husband usually volunteered and did just what Moxie advised--hung out on the floor, did email on his BlackBerry (the computer threw too much light and was too distracting to her), etc., while she learned to put herself to sleep.

Now she happily reads in bed, tells us when she wants her light off, and goes to sleep on her own. (We never foresaw this when we were in the midst of it!)

Just two more points: I think that toddler nightwaking is one of the dirty little parenting secrets that nobody talks about because your kids are supposed to be over it. But I hardly know anyone who consistently puts their 2-3 year old to bed and doesn't hear from them for 11 hours. From what I can determine there are all kinds of triggers, from new sibs and new beds to successful potty training. And of course the unknown triggers that make you crazy.

Second point is that whatever progress you make before the baby, expect it to take a hit once she arrives. When our baby #2 came, baby #1 was 22 months and had been waking up once at around 4am. For 5-6 weeks our nights with her got so bad (separation anxiety from my hospital stay, we guessed) that we moved the toddler bed back to our room on a temporary basis. But it worked itself out. Now most nights she wakes up screaming at 5:30 but goes back to sleep for another hour or so.

It's all what you can live with :-)

[Cynthia]

I found with my son that a bedtime routine that we discussed, "Mom is going to read a book to you, then we will turn the light out and it's bedtime for you." was helpful, but sometimes he would still object to my leaving the room. I would then perform a "magic spell" ('cause all moms have super-powers you know) to protect him from "bad guys, monsters, and everything", give him a kiss, and leave the room. This seemed to help keep him in bed until he fell asleep on his own... something about having Mommy's protection even if I wasn't in the room allowed him to relax enough to sleep. Anyway, it's one more thing to try!

[Amy]

Hang in there! I second/third/fourth the idea of hanging out on the floor (and also the "I have to go to the bathroom never to return") as I have done both, with both of my children. My son is 4 yrs old and still asks me to stay with him at bedtime (he still wakes up screaming at least once a night - NEVER a good sleeper). I keep telling myself I won't have to sit on his dorm room bed to get him to sleep, and it makes it a bit easier.

[Maria]

Let me preface by saying I have no experience yet with this age (my son is 8 months), so if what I'm saying is total nonsense, I apologize.

I'm in the middle of introducing Mio to a lovey, and I wondered if that would be a option for Peggy's son? It's no paci of course, but having some sort of security object might help with both the loss of the paci and the sleeping.

[Kate]

I forgot to add that for naptime I often told my daughter that I had to go do dishes instead of staying with her and then I'd go do them. (We live in an apartment, so the clatter of the dishes carries to her room.) Win-win.

[Joline]

I entirely agree with Moxie that the best way to get a toddler to get used to sleeping in their beds, and to get used to falling asleep gradually is with a parent present (but certainly not necessarily both). I also agree that lying down with the child is likely to cause too much disturbance when you get up, also it might just ruin your evening time if you pass out too! So what I do is I start out by sitting right next to the bed while they fall asleep. Maybe rubbing their backs for a minute or just laying my hand on their back to let them know I am still there. They generally fall asleep with their door slightly open and a little light, so this works really well with me because eventually I just sit in my chair in their room (I have a comfortable chair in there for this reason) and read to myself until they fall asleep. I did this for months. But the benefit of this is that they get a reminder to stay in bed the moment they start to try to get up, rather than if they come out of the room or come cryign to the gate. And this constant reinforcement that bedtiem is for staying in bed did eventually teach them. And we got to the point where I could do the whole bedtime routine, and give each a good cuddle and kiss goodnight and leave, and they stay in their beds and sleep. (as for encouraging them to stay in their beds all night without actually "forbidding" them from coming to my room if they really need me, I have no answers for that)
I dont have any answers for the paci. I can completely see how you needed to take them away due to the dangers of chewing on them. Perhaps something else he can chew on or suck on in bed, like a teething toy. Does he already sleep with a sippy cup of water? This might meet that need for a little oral stimulation when he wakes up.
Good luck

[Charisse]

One minor thing we do that might help--my daughter is much the same at 2.9--about 2 nights out of 3 she wants somebody there. As long as she hasn't napped it's no biggie and doesn't take long. Anyway, the one little thing is that she can't have both of us at once--she has to pick, and then she can switch in a few minutes but the rule is "OK, if you can lie totally still and quiet for a minute I'll go look for daddy and send him in"...sometimes it takes quite a while to find daddy (or mommy) in our little flat. :) A lot of the time she falls asleep during a switch. If you're thinking of working on the 2-parent thing first, that might be a help for when you're both in the house.

Good luck! (And I totally agree about toddler waking--in The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers, Pantley cites some big survey that 50% of 1-4 year olds wake up AT LEAST once a night.) We're about 2-3 times/week now with some nightmare/noise/whatever.

[Xdm]

I have a 2.5 yo with pacifier addiction and big boy bed issues. He goes to bed ok and doesn't get out (my sister gave me the following tough-love advice, "Threaten to take his blankies away.") While it worked, he sobbed himself to sleep that night and I felt terrible. Now the problem is waking up around 2, 3 or 4 and calling out for us. He won't go back to sleep and we are tired and weak and bring him in with us. Any advice on breaking that would be welcome. I'm guessing we just need to suck it up, hold the line and brace ourselves for a week of hell.

[hedra]

couple of additions to the as-usual excellent ideas from Moxie and commenters...

1) I read somewhere that the rate of cosleeping is highest among 2-5 year olds. There's a reason for that! Not that you necessarily need to go there, but realize that parents succumb to the need for uninterrupted (ish!) sleep during this age range in a variety of ways... it just means this age is not as easy for sleep as one is led to expect! Your child is normal.

2) We determined after many variations of approaches that Brendan WOULD NOT go to sleep without both of us there. New siblings or not, this was an existing issue from early on. He bonded to both of us, we were both required. Ugh. DH faked going to sleep and then got up (for a while), and then we all started going to bed at the same time, same room, same bed (except Gabe, who sleeps in his room at least some of the time!). Not saying that this is the ideal choice, just that someone else managed the 'must have both of us there' thing (at least if we were both in the house) without dying, and with twins as the following sibs. Wish I'd thought of the 'one parent leaves the house' approach! I'd lean on that one a lot...

3) Near the end of pregnancy, IMHO, moms tend to turn their attention inward. Older sibs notice that immediately. Pulling the attention back outward is hard when you need to dream, plan, think, prepare, or even just cope with being kicked in the bladder for the umpteenth time today! I found that it helped Brendan when I realized I was doing it, and paid attention to when, and for how long, I was off in la-la land while I was interacting with him - and pulled myself back a bit. The closer labor got, the more I noticed I was doing it. No wonder they climb all over us near the end! MOMMY, COME BACK!... sigh. I like the book Siblings Without Rivalry for how to talk about the baby... even before the baby is born.

Good luck! Hope you find a solution that works for you.

[Slim]

We had some success (which is as much success as I dared hope for with the addition of a baby) by alternating who did the bedtime snuggle. We knew there would be plenty of nights when I was busy with the baby, but there were also some nights when the baby was happy (or at least OK) with Daddy, and then I got to go snuggle with the firstborn, who I think felt a little less displaced by the sibling because Mommy still had time for the Boy Who Was Here First.
These days we do a lot of "I can stay for a few minutes, but then I have to go do chores/exercise/shower/do errands, and then [when you are probably asleep, heh heh heh] I'll be back."

[Lee]

Armed with the "Happiest Toddler on the Block", we said goodnight and closed the door. Close to an hour of wailing followed (with visits from me every 5-10 minutes to assure him that everything would be okay). As Karp predicted, he fell asleep on the floor next to his door.

I was mortified that I did this to my child, until he went to bed the next night and every night thereafter without a problem.

[Tabetha]

I agree with Lee. We took the pacifier away cold turkey and let ours cry. We set a limit on how long we would let them cry (no more than 45 minutes) and within 2-3 days, all 3 of them were happily pacifier and tear free. The first night is extremely hard, but by the 2nd night, the crying lasts half as long. Of course, this may not work on #4 because she tends to get more riled up when she cries. We'll see!!

[Charisse]

Just to close the loop--the study was the "Sleep in America" survey by the National Sleep Foundation. Apparently it's a yearly thing, here's the homepage for the surveys:

http://www.sleepfoundation.org/site/c.huIXKjM0IxF/b.2417353/k.6764/Sleep_in_America_Polls.htm

[Sarah V.]

Very quick note on the paci, as we have exactly the same chewing problem and consequent worry over choking with our son; I want to question whether it really is necessary to make him go completely cold turkey. Yes, I do believe it would be unsafe simply to keep giving the same dummy (that's what we call them in the UK, where I am) back to my son night after night after night, because I do believe there's a big risk he'd eventually chew a fragment off and possibly inhale it. *But*... dummies are *designed* to be kid-safe, and *designed* to withstand a fair bit of chewing before they give up the ghost. I do not believe my son is going to get a dummy straight from 'intact' to 'health and safety hazard' in a single session of being left unsupervised.

So, I keep a close eye on the dummies and any time one is starting to look worryingly tatty I replace it with another. But I have no concerns about giving him a dummy in good condition each naptime and evening for sleep. Maybe you could do the same, and thereby eliminate the problem?

[Joy]

Hi, mother of 3 and home child care provider with an idea for getting over the loss of paci. I got this idea from a dentist, and have used it successfully several times since, although it may be a little difficult for Peggy since the last one's already gone. With kids 2 and older, they may respond better to giving up the last of the pacies if they're the decision maker in the process. I give them a pair of scissors and let them cut the nipple off themselves, with lots of 'you're a big kid now' praise following the act. This gets them involved, and there's no bad guy. Also, the thing that's worked for me to get my now 6 and 4 year olds (who both used to rise nightly and join us in our bed.) was to offer an incentive in the morning. My daughter, who was the worst, got a sticker if she stayed in her bed all night. If she came into the room, I'd give her a hug and a kiss and push her back out of my bed to put herself back into her own bed, reminding her of the potential reward in the morning if she complied. A bribe??? Absolutely, but in the end, they were both pleasantly surprised and proud of themselves for achieving another level of independence. The same technique can be applied to the paci problem, or any other undesirable behavior. This can backfire, and you can end up with a child who refuses to comply with anything unless they get something in return, and I believe that a child should comply with a parent's request out of sheer respect for the parent, so the reward for good behavior should be accompanied by discussion of how good it feels to be big, etc. This not only benefits mom and dad's good night's sleep, not to mention intamacy, but also boosts child's self esteem. "I did it! Yay!!" My two cents... hope it helps!