Judgment

Can we talk about judgment? I'm not talking about Mommy Drive-Bys, because I know we're all too mature and kind to actually say anything, but I know we're all thinking it. I'd like not to be judgmental, but I wonder if it's just human nature.

(Sorry about no Q&A today, but I've been almost obsessed with this judgment thing for days and have to get it off my chest.)

For the second week in a row, I've noticed a little girl in one of our activities. She's biracial (black and white), with unkempt-looking hair. I can't stop wondering how her parents let her out of the house like that, knowing she's going to be the recipient of disapproving looks from all directions. Her nanny is latina, and may or may not have any idea about the significance of neat hair for black/biracial children.

So I was twisting myself around about this. How could her parents put her in this position out in the world? Do they not know how to take care of her hair? (And how would they not know, unless she's adopted and her parents are from a different ethnic group, in which case why didn't they educate themselves at some point?)

And then I looked down at my son and realized I'd missed with the washcloth and he had a big hunk of egg yolk under his left nostril.

I started thinking about my own hypocrisy at breakfast today. I forgot to buy both butter (so no toast) and milk (so no cereal) so we went across the street to get bagels with butter from our local deli. First they boys talked me into buying a fun size bag of potato chips, so they were eating bagels and potato chips for breakfast. Then the manager gave us two donuts that got mushed in transport, so he couldn't sell them. So my kids ate bagels, potato chips, and Boston cream donuts for breakfast.

And yet I was worried about a stranger's hair.

I don't know whether you guys want to talk about judgment or not. Maybe it's more present here in NYC, where people have too much money and put too much pressure on everyone? Or does it affect everyone either from the receiving end or the judging end? Is there anything we can do about it? I'm not talking about judging people for doing things that are actually dangerous (like driving kids around with no carseats or doing crystal meth or [insert Britney Spears' latest cry for help here]). I'm talking about things that are truly not our business.

Comments

[lydia]

I remind myself over and over again: there's an excellent chance my children will grow up to be imperfect people. Helps a lot. Most of the time, when I feel judged, it can really be traced to internal feelings. Not many people actually say anything, but I "hear" them.

There's nothing I'm perfect at 100% of the time. Even though, like Maman, I feel strongly about treating children respectfully as human beings, there are times I probably foul it up. (and it's most likely to be in public when I feel someone may be judging me for not being "firm" enough).

My husband drives me nuts by shoving food in my daughter's face, but to me it's balanced by the time and loving attention he gives her and his mastery at distraction. He thinks I encourage her to make too big a deal over minor boo-boos, but loves the way I chat and sing with her. Everybody does things differently and there's nothing wrong with children seeing that.

Oh, and by the way: I breastfed my first child for three months through extreme pain and difficulty and really and truly felt I tried everything and got plenty of help. So PLEASE don't try to inform or educate me if the same thing happens again and I have to give my next baby a bottle in public. (although I'll answer you politely if you do). And to all the breastfeeding moms who feel like you're being stared at judgmentally - it could actually be me, looking on jealously and wondering why you make something I couldn't do look so darn easy.

Those are my disjointed thoughts. Judgement, schmudgement. Perspective, perspective, perspective.

[Maria]

Lydia, 'it could actually be me, looking on jealously and wondering why you make something I couldn't do look so darn easy.' - that made me tear up.

[Amy]

Being judgemental is SO easy sometimes. I have been in situations where someone has mis-judged my behaviour towards my child(ren). It's very heartbreaking to hear someone tell you you are a bad parent, even when you know you aren't. No one has any idea what type of day you and your child have had up to that point. With the exception of child endangerment, it is absolutely best to either a)Offer Help and back off if it is not accepted or b)Shut the hell up.

That bodes well for all hot topics among parents/mothers/religion whatever. What struck me was Stephanie's response involving breastfeeding. I agree that most breastfeeding issues could be resolved with proper support. But having someone offer anything without them asking for it, could deeply hurt. I understand you said you wouldn't say things to complete strangers, but I still believe that it is not "up to you" to tell the world, unless someone asks you for the information. I tried to bf my children, and maybe didn't try hard enough, and didn't know who to ask etc.etc. I do not make excuses, but I tried, and I switched. To ever have someone tell me something about breastfeeding unless I asked, would break my heart. Think of that the next time you see a mother bottle-feeding (and goodness, maybe it's breastmilk and she's too embarassed to feed in public, like my friend).

You say "So I sometimes find myself keeping silent, which is what society equates with respectful. And then I feel guilty, for letting the breastfeeding community down."

I believe you would be letting that person down, not the 'breastfeeding community'. Which is a term I wish you would not use. Mothers already segregate ourselves enough. This makes it sound like it's a club "for members only" and that sounds very hurtful to me.

[Stephanie]

I'm starting to be sorry that I used breastfeeding as my example, since it's such a hotbutton topic. But really, any example you pick for advocacy ends up being a hot button. Cosleeping, cloth diapering, vaccinating, pro choice/pro life positions, etc. And that's really the tangent I was interested in exploring. We all have things that matter to us, advocacy issues. We want our children to grow up in a world where they help their communities around them learn about important topics. Yet I feel we spend so much time trying to make sure we don't seem judgemental that we are afraid to make changes in our communities. I'm interested in how others find a balance.

Amy, you're right, I shouldn't use the term "breastfeeding community". Not because it doesn't exist. Because it shouldn't exist. People wouldn't be dealing with a lack of support for breastfeeding if there weren't such obvious "sides". Anyone doing their best to raise their children is on the same team here.

[Shelley]

"I'm starting to be sorry that I used breastfeeding as my example, since it's such a hotbutton topic. But really, any example you pick for advocacy ends up being a hot button."

Yeah, but not in quite the same way -- I feel no pain or guilt over most of my choices on how to parent my daughter (including working outside the home, which is another biggie), but the fact that I was unsuccessful in breastfeeding my daughter has really been painful for me. Some people shot me looks of disapproval when bottlefeeding my daughter in public, I'm sure of it; I'm sure other times I was imagining it. Because the truth is, I'm my own harshest judge most of the time, and I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

[lydia]

Yeah. I hope I didn't sound too mopey about staring at successfully breastfeeding mothers. I know I did the best I could and feel fine about the outcome. I just meant to make the point that whenever people (especially strangers) interact, what feels/looks like judgement may be something quite different.

And sometimes, Moms are just eager to interact and talk: "so you're still breastfeeding"(using a sling, a pacifier, organic carrots, whatever) is just an easy opening.

[meg]

I asked my husband when he sees other kids does he make judgements positive or negative about the kids or parents and he said no. He said that he thinks, oh, lucky kid, or oh, poor kid, but doesn't link it to a good or a bad parent. BTW, my husband is an equal partner parent, so he knows what it means to get 2 kids through the day. He said he does compare and make judgements about other men and their careers. That got me thinking that women tend to identify more as a parent and because being a parent is such a personal job that gets very little outside positive recognition we are trying to tell ourselves that we are doing a good or better job than the other parent, and that's were all the comparing and judging comes in. How to fix it? Be kind to yourself and others.

[hedra]

Wow, such great sharing and thoughts! I have to run, but I'll try to give mine, too.

1) I had a friend in high school who was biracial (Native Am and African Am), whose hair always looked ratty compared to everyone else. I ended up dating her brother for a while, and he said that it took years and years to convince his sister that her hair was more like their dad's than their moms, and just COULD NOT TOLERATE being washed every blessed day. It was dried out, and she'd shampoo it while cornrowed, which would then pull some of the cornrows out oddly, etc. Her mom just didn't understand her daughter's hair's needs, and in her culture, there's a sanctity in hair washing that is spiritual in basis. And must be done daily. Bad mix. Whenever I've seen someone with the same type of hair 'issues', I remember that they probably have a 'story' behind it, and usually one that makes total sense.

2) Speaking of stories, that's how I handle the 'judgy' thing myself. In high school, the driver's ed teacher brought this home in a very clear way, that stuck with me. He said, 'you're driving down the road, and this red sportscar, very expensive and soooo clean comes racing up behind you, flashes its lights, honks its horn, and is apparently trying to pass you. What do you do?' Well, we went at it ... everyone had an idea of how to block the guy, piss them off, slow them down, keep them from passing, anything to piss them off and stop the agressive driving and 'I'm too cool to obey the laws' behavior. Then the teacher, when we had spent our venom fully, said, 'okay, what you don't know is that there is a small child bleeding from a horrible head wound in the back seat of that car. They've collapsed sideways unconscious so you can't see them in your rear view mirror.

The silence was absolute. I felt sick, horrified. We all looked at each other surrepitously. We were all evil, horrible people, if we did what we'd said we'd do...

He said that the point was that you never ever know what is going on in the other car. Someone might be dying. They might have to go to the hospital. They could just be jerks, but you don't KNOW. And unless you can KNOW, you have no right and no reason to impede them, illegal or not. You can call 911 to report their driving after you let them pass. It is is an emergency, they'll get police excort. If they're jerks, they'll get in trouble. That decision is not our job. Staying out of trouble ourselves, not getting run off the road, and not making ANY assessment of the other people, that's our job.

I've still judged. Mostly, I've judged when I know the people a little, and feel I have a little glimpse into their world. I've pretty much 100% been proven wrong, and felt awful later. EVERYONE has a story. Women who are bottle feeding have stories, even the women who swear they chose formula because breastfeeding is just gross have a story. They may have been abused, they may have been taught bodies are gross, they may have depression, no support, feel isolated, feel insecure. And why would they share those deeply personal stories with a stranger? Easier to just give a pat answer. I always assume that a pat answer has other stories beneath it, too. So maybe sometimes it doesn't. But I can't tell, can I? So I give the benefit of the doubt.

3) I know people look at me sometimes and think 'good lord, there goes a terrible example of motherhood!' ... at times that I've had PPD, or had a long day, or no sleep, or too much stress, or not enough to eat, or have thrush, or ... the list is endless. I'm not perfect. My kids aren't perfect. We're human. Which means that success is getting a B grade, not 100% perfect. And a B means that 20% of the time you may NOT GET THE ANSWER RIGHT *AT ALL*. Not partial credit on everything, absolutely failing on some things, perfect on others, so-so and partial credit on a lot in the middle. If I see someone for 10 minutes, that isn't anywhere near 20% of their day. I'm going to grade them on a full day's worth of life over a fraction of a percent? Um. They still could get a 99%ile grade, A-plus, despite what I saw. I don't *know*.

And yeah, still happens. But I keep my judgy to myself, and instead look for the story if there's a reason to make the connection. I make eye contact, nod, smile, give that 'life's like that as a mom' shrug. I've even asked if someone would like a hand so they can do whatever task they're doing (buying things, say). I've chatted with women who were defending their parenting space with defiant gaze and hunched shoulders, rolled down my minivan window to say 'nice sling, really lovely!' to the 'weirdo crunchy mama', etc. I do sometimes still roll my mental eyes or wince (what, you don't even know what your child does at daycare all day, you only picked it by price and don't know anything about the program? Um, how ... interesting.)... but most of these parents also grow up, change, improve, learn, try new things, and really do love their kids. Nobody gets it right in the first season. We're growing our families like gardens, season after season. Learning in the trenches, on the job, with bosses who are ever-changing and insanely demanding and incommunicative. Does anyone get that right all the time? ANYONE? If I want others to give me slack, I have to give it first. Unilaterally. Spead it around. Smile, encourage, praise, make eye contact, be respectful (strike up a conversation, find compassion before getting past wondering and into deciding I know), be kind.

And I still only get a B on that, too. Sigh. But as my step-dad (a college prof) would say, "Well, now, a B is a mighty fine grade."

[hedra]

(Now wondering if anyone will be offended at the 'weirdo crunchy mama' thing... I fall into the 'breakfast bar' category - unremarkable on the outside, crunchy on the inside... ;) )

[A]

Sweet...I LOVE Hedra's comments! Sums it all up.

[TheLuckyGal]

OMG - the irony. I had just finished reading your next post about taking a baby overseas and dealing - among other things - with jetlag. I read all through the comments to see if anyone else had said what I was going to ... the B word. Indeed, I got my kid over jetlag on a trip to Italy (from Seattle) when she was 10-months-old with a couple strategically timed doses of Benadryl. I thought I was a genius and couldn't wait to share! But! No one else said it and I started to feel sheepish. Then I decided not to post my genius idea comment becuase I thought that I would be judged for medicating my baby. Oy.

[s]

I think that there is no way to deny that, though we may try to tell ourselves that the reason that we notice & judge is that we care about the welfare of "the kids", it almost always stems from negative or worried feelings about our selves and situations. The need/desire to correct another mother's practices has to come from feeling insecure about our own - and then aggressively pushing back at that insecurity by specifying what she is doing wrong and how our way is better in comparison.

There is just SO much evidence that kids can be happy in SUCH a wide range of family styles and environments. But somehow we get enmeshed in scrutiny of the most ridiculous things. Seriously: stroller brands? Even "babywearing" v. stroller? Can anyone honestly argue with a straight face that a stroller riding kid is being harmed, that it will have long-term problems? No. It's just that mothers have gotten some sort of psychological support by telling themselves that, because they are wearing and not strolling their baby, they are doing the "right" thing.

[BK]

RE: the black and white child with wild hair... send them to www.mixedchicks.net. They have a great curl defining system for biracial hair. And it actually works. In fact, it works on anyone who wants to get rid of frizz.