Reader call: What to do for friend during tragedy

Nicole writes:

"In what can only be considered the most tragic situation ever, a friend of mine delivered and lost her son on Christmas this year.  I am truly at a loss for what to say or do, although we have emailed a few times (she is not ready to talk to people yet, understandably).  I have offered to bring food, go hang out with her, do anything she needs.  My heart is just broken for her, and I want to help.  Suggestions on what friends can do to support each other during a time like this?"

I'm also at a loss. Can anyone who's been in a similar situation, or who's helped a friend through a similar situation, please help?

Comments

[Kris]

I just had a friend go through the same. The March of Dimes web site offers suggestions for how to help after neonatal death. The link is http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572.asp

[ElleryScott]

Three of my girlfriends have lost children, ranging in age from 3 months to 18 months. In each case, my friends seemed to need honest compassion and action. They wanted to talk about their loss, to name their grief, and to keep the memory of their babies alive. I suggest telling your friend quite honestly whatever it is you are feeling; that you are scared that you do not know what to say; that your are so very sad for her loss and what she is going through; that the whole situation completely and utterly sucks; that you want to help but aren't sure how. I think she will appreciate your honesty and will respond in kind. Also, I would recommend being persistent with specific offers of help. If she's not ready to see you, leave food on her front porch. Send a card every day in the mail. Leave little gifts that let her know you are with her in spirit. When she is ready to see you, arrive at her house prepared to scrub toilets and do laundry. Make a good meal while you sit in her kitchen talking. Let her feel that she can say anyting to you and that you are okay with talking about death. A lot of advice, I know. But our culture (generic mainstream America) does not do a very good job of teaching us to talk about death. We have to find our words and learn to speak them. Best of luck with your efforts and all my sympathies for your friend.

[Heather]

When my husband died {not the same, I know, but crippiling all the same} I was most helped by people offering to do specific things more than "just let me know what I can do and I'll do it". I just couldn't bring myself to ask people for thing I/we could have done on our own.

Also, I agree with being a safe place for her to name her grief and part of that will be the tears that come with it. Keep in mind that although you cannot fix her situation the tears *are* helpful for her. It's hard to cry in front of other people for some of us, so see it as trust in you and just be her companion through it.

Good luck.

[cagey]

A friend of mine lost her husband last year in a pretty gruesome car accident. While it wasn't a neonatal loss, I totally agree with ElleryScott's comments because most losses have similar qualities.

When I call my friend I just let her talk - often, it's not even about her husband, but rather about the little things her children have been doing. Little things that she doesn't have a husband to share them with anymore. I've learned something important during those one-sided conversations - sometimes, a person just wants to talk and ramble, but doesn't necessarily need "feedback".

I agree with persistent offers of help - in the beginning, I was very worried about J. I warned her ahead of time that I was going to call her every day for a specified period and that if she didn't want to talk that was fine, just let it go to voicemail. But I let her know that I was still going to bug her. There were times she didn't answer, but she did say she appreciated getting the voicemails.

[Shandra]

I lost my daughter neonatally in March 2004 (cord accident at birth; she lived 4 days). I can only tell you what I found with the caveat that everyone is different.

I do think that the best is to keep it real. If you don't know what to say, say so and offer a hug.

But don't expect your friend to know either; I found that exhausting. I knew my friends wanted to know what! to! do! but the terrible thing was that there wasn't anything that could address the fact of her loss. What was special to me were the people who were willing to sit with me in the face of that uncertainty and fear.

I think human beings have come up with good ways to support the grieving. Meals and food helped me a lot; I had no appetite at all but food from friends I could stomach. Losing a baby neonatally is kind of awful because you end up with so little - a few pictures and a blanket and a lock of hair, if you're lucky (we were lucky in that the NICU staff also made molds of her hands and feet for us).

So something that surprisingly helped me was to have people give us sort of monuments - small ones, a tree in Israel, a kilometre of a trail, with her name on them. Those were quite unexpected and generous gifts.

We also had a funeral and were amazed at the support of our community in coming to it. But some people don't have them, and that's fine.

Over time, people who have remembered Emily and let me talk about her still have helped a lot. People who called me about once a week were wonderful, because after the first 6 weeks most people didn't. They (understandably) moved on. I didn't. I did have some dark months and the friends who were willing to hear about the anger and helplessness were few - but awesome.

What didn't help me was to hear things like "it was meant to be" "God needed an angel" "she'll be your guardian spirit" or anything else that implied that the death of a -baby- was somehow preordained. Now other people might feel differently. But I honestly started feeling like if one more person mentioned an angel in heaven I was going to lose it. The same went for comments like "God never gives us more than we can handle."

I recognized that people who said that were trying to help, of course, and I still care for them just the same! It just wasn't helpful to me. Other people may find it that way.

[Kate]

It's so hard to know because everyone reacts differently. Others have made great suggestions.

If she has another child, esp. a toddler/pre-schooler, a specific way to help may be to offer a few hours of babysitting (an out-of-the-house activity) just so that she can have a second to herself without feeling like she has to keep it together for someone else.

If not, taking care of a meal and housekeeping for a few hours would be very kind--particularly after the initial flurry of help slows down.

[hedra]

All excellent advice!

My mother lost her oldest child at 3 years, my sister lost her only child to SIDS, and I've had multiple miscarriages. None of those is exactly the same as your friend suffered, but they definitely have some similarities.

I'll ditto heavily the 'be honest', and 'when in doubt, ask!' and 'listen, listen, listen'. Clamp lips shut on the platitudes we're so used to passing out to offer comfort, the 'meant to be/maybe this is for the best' stuff. That just wrenched me - I'm a very spiritual person, but what was for the best was that things went well, not what happened. I could (and have) come up with my own solace in time, that fit my own beliefs and experience. Having it forced onto my pain was awful. If she's religious, she'll likely take it to someone she trusts on the religion points anyway. Unless you're a minister/priest/priestess/rabbi/imam/etc., don't go there.

Expect it to take a lifetime to 'heal' from something like this, and for life to change shape dramatically as a result. My mom, my sister, and myself are all changed people. We all 'healed' with time, in our own way and at our own pace, but we also still have tender spots, days that suck, etc. My mom is over 70, and she'll still weep for the son she lost fifty years ago. Just not as often, or as long, or as hard.

Keep track of the anniversary (easy in this case, though heartbreaking), and send a card or flowers every year (or at least sporadically, as seems appropriate to her path). Get comfortable using the child's name. Help her set up a calendar by the front door or the phone for people to sign up to bring dinner or help clean or just have tea (or set it up for her with the help of her friends/church/family, if she'll tolerate that).

And good for you for asking what to do. A lot of people panic and don't even get that far.

[laura]

I have a good friend who lost her son neonatally at Christmas 3 years ago. We were not in touch at the time so I cannot pass on specific advice for what to do in the first flush of mourning-- but I do know that she and her husband find it very comforting and positive to give gifts to an "angel tree" child of the same age as her son would be. They do this every year. This year, several of us pitched in and sent gifts to her that she included with her donations (this has been a rough year for them financially and they weren't able to donate as much as they wanted to themselves.)

She really loved this gesture and it brought her a lot of comfort.

[liz]

Don't just ask what you can do...do stuff. Bring foods. Not just dinners, breakfast is often overlooked. Call when you're about to do your own grocery shopping and ask what she needs from the store. Shovel her walk, or mow her lawn if it needs it.

[Meira]

Not related to death, but from a helping perspective -- if you do go and cook dinner for someone, clean up the kitchen afterwards. ;o)

[AmyinMotown]

A friend lost a baby at 20 weeks. The one thing I did (other than call them a lot) was to remember the due date and send them a caard letting them know I was thinking of them. She let me know that meant a lot to her. And a woman I adore who I met through a TTC message board had a daughter stillborn. Most of us make a point of remembering this little girl's birthday and letting her mother know we're thinking of her, and she's said often that it means the world to her that we remember her.

Maybe offering to do errands/shopping for her next year, so she can stay out of the holly-jolly atmosphere, would be helpful. I have to think that would seem doubly awful to be approaching such an anniversary and have the rest of the world be joyously anticipating that very same date.

[christie]

All of the above is useful information, and I would add this: if your friend has a memorial or a funeral, GO. Do everything you would do if an adult who got to have a life had died. In any such situation, everyone grieves differently, and the right thing to do is to listen and care and help where you can. Next Christmas will be HARD, and so will all the Christmases after that.

Your friend will not forget her child, and she may well need support well past the point when our culture thinks people should be "over it." Recognize that this will affect her long-term. Love her anyway.

She may be directed to The Compassionate Friends (compassionatefriends.org) by her doctor or another service provider, but you might mention it. It's an organization for families who have experienced the death of a child (at any age). Group-y things are not for everyone, but I know people who have found great peace in Compassionate Friends.

I hate this crappy sisterhood of lost babies.

[snickollet]

My husband has a terminal illness--a very different situation but one that has the same effect on friends who want to help but don't know what to do or say.

I can only report what I found most and least helpful personally. Some of these are repeats of the excellent advice already given:

HELPFUL
• Call to check in, but don't expect to get an answer. Just leave a loving voice mail in which you are clear that no return call is expected but that you are available anytime if your friend does decide to call.
• Offer to do something specific.
• Even better, just DO something specific without offering. I personally hate to ask for help, so I loved it when people brought over food without asking or did my dishes when they stopped by or threw in a load of laundry or brought over a movie they thought I'd like. Not sure this would work for everyone, but for me not having to ask was very much appreciated.
• Be prepared for your friend to tell you nothing--she may not be ready--or to share information that could be uncomfortable, painful, or unpleasant if she is.
• Listen without judgment.
• It's always nice to hear, "I love you, I'm here for you."
• Picky, but true. If you bring food, I often found that veggies were overlooked. Try to bring a balanced meal.

UNHELPFUL
• Never, ever, ever, ever say that this event "happened for a reason" or that "the world works in mysterious ways" or "things like this only happen to people who are strong enough to handle them." This does NOT make anyone feel better AT ALL.
• Also nix on the angel talk.
• Also nix on comments like, "You are so strong," "I don't know how you keep going," etc. If your friend does not feel particularly strong right now, this can be a big expectation to live up to.

[Menita]

Wonderful comments. I'd second (third, whatever) on being honest about your fear or uncertainty, but being there for her. Also on doing things that won't require her to think - the few times that I've had loss in my life all I wanted was for someone to take care of me, I just could not handle one more thing, even if it was just boiling pasta.

[anastasiav]

A couple of thoughts:

I'm assuming the nursery was all set up before she delivered. Some women prefer to keep the room just as it was, others find it a very painful reminder. Try to find a way to ask if she would like to have the baby things removed, and, if so, offer to do it for her, if she would like. But remember that this is different for every person.

Also remember that, regardless of the outcome, her body has just gone through the process of delivering a child, so in addition to her grief she's going through all the hormonal upheavals that come with that.

Love her. Imagine yourself going through this same situation. What would you need? How long would you need it for?

I can't stress enough how much assistance with practical tasks can help. Also, she and her partner may be away from work on upaid leaves - if so, look into getting them gift certificates to local utility companies: many (cable, electric, etc.) will do this or will allow you to pay a bill on another persons behalf.

[Amy]

My best friend had a baby born with an unexpected and serious heart defect. I asked over and over again what I could do and she always said there was nothing that needed doing. But all her church friends were actively involved in bringing dinner to the hospital and home, paying for their parking at the hospital, etc. Initially I was hurt that she included them in her hour of need but not me. We talked about this after the fact--the baby survived--and she told me something I will never forget. She said I kept "asking" what I could do. But the others just "did". Sometimes that meant two people showed up to provide the same meal. Or several people were with her in the waiting room during the baby's surgeries. But that was okay. She felt all this pressure to tell me how I could help when we asked, but she honestly didn't know what would help (b/c clearly nothing can really help what needs to be helped at times like these). So, my advice... as others have said here... is not to ask what your friend needs, just pick something and do it. Don't call from the grocery store and say "what do you need while I'm here?" Instead, grab some milk, OJ, fruit, and a loaf of bread and deliver it to her. Bring her a Starbucks coffee for the hell of it. Don't say, "Can I do some laundry for you?" She'll say no. Just say, "And I'm taking your laundry home with me. I'll have it back to you by tonight." And I love the suggestion that you take up a collection to pay for utility bills. My friend was so grateful for the parking pass her church friends bought them for the hospital. We forget how things add up.

[julia]

Man, these are wonderful responses. I'm having a hard time not crying while reading them.

If there's one thing I've learned about loss, it's that the single most important act is simply to abide. To abide with your friend can take many different forms, but the key is that your presence alone - without advice, explanatory theories, or attempts to "make it better" - is lifesaving. It's a hard skill to master, but one that will really and truly help your friend through.

I am so sorry for you and for her. Thank you for being a kind enough friend to ask what to do.

[Vicky]

2.5 years ago we lost our son in a 2nd trimester cord accident. In addition to the great advice given above, the following things helped us:

- Finding information to help us through the practicalities. Things like planning funerals, how to cope with Father's Day / Mother's Day / holidays, how to answer the "how many children do you have" question, etc. We found much of this at SHARE, a pregnancy and infant loss support group. (http://www.nationalshareoffice.org). They have a free info packet for bereaved parents and an excellent brochure for friends and family looking for ways to support the baby's parents (http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/docs/trifold_familiy_friends_coworkers.pdf)

- I think I read every book out there on perinatal loss and one of the best is "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah Davis.

- Support info for PPD. Most OBs have the names of local therapists who specialize in perinatal/neonatal loss. I plunged into PPD about 8 weeks after the birth and the combination of treatment from my OB, therapist,and family doctor really pulled me through.

- Don't forget Dad. My DH was hurting just as badly as I was, but since he wasn't physically healing, much of the burden of day to day life (meals, house, caring for our older child, etc) fell to him. He too ended up with depression and needed treatment.

- Remember the anniversaries, even with just a card or an "I'm thinking of you" email. In our family, we mark both our son's actual birthdate and due date, since they were separated by several months. The first year, others marked them with us, but now no one (not even our parents) either remembers the dates or says anything to us, maybe for fear of hurting us.

- Don't be afraid to talk about the baby, even if your friend doesn't bring it up first. Just follow her cues and see if she wants to talk. People told us they didn't want to mention our son and remind us of the loss. Well, we never forget it. It was months before I could go an hour without thinking of him, and even now he's somewhere in my thoughts each day.

- We never attended a support group for grieving parents, but some people find them very helpful. Many hospitals with large OB units, as well as hospices, offer groups specifically for perinatal/neonatal loss.

My heart goes out to your friends. One of our relatives wrote to us, "you won't get over this, but you will get through it." And that's true. Eventually, you do get through it and reach a "new" normal life. This takes years, and it's not the same life you had before the loss, but it can still be happy and fulfilling.

[Sheryl]

My mom lost her first baby hours after birth due to a heart defect right around Christmas (this was in the late sixties, and they couldn't diagnose and treat such things early as they can now). She told me that the biggest thing that helped her was having people come to the funeral. To her, that meant that people respected her grief.

I've since lost both of my parents (totally different, but grieving is grieving) and the best advice I can give is to take your cues from her. When my dad died, my housemates were there when I wanted to talk or cry, and left me alone when I wanted to be alone. I appreciated that more than anything else.

Above all, don't suggest that this was in any way preordained. Nobody who is grieving wants to hear that. Even though I was expecting my parents' deaths, the thought that "it was their time" or "God wanted them back home" did not comfort me in the least. Nor did "You'll see them again someday." I'm a religious person, and I believe that, but it was not what I wanted to hear when grieving.

[Jennifer]

I had a son stillborn in 2005. I honestly have nothing to add to the advice that's already here. It's all wonderful. I want to emphasize how important it is to keep in touch, and stay available after the first six weeks have past. Her grief won't be over just because everybody went home. Her grief won't be over if she has another baby born healthy and perfect.

When you visit with her be prepared for any conversation. She might want to talk about the baby, or about the plot of her favorite TV show. Whatever it is, knowing that she has people who care about her and grieve with her will help.

[Lee]

The only bit of advice I have to add that I didn't see already covered has to do with next Christmas. Don't send them a Christmas card that's happy and says "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays."

Better to get a blank card and say "thinking of you at Christmas" or something similar. "Merry" and "happy" will be a big stretch for the next few Christmases to come.

[Nicole/ Phc]

Thanks, everyone. This is really helpful advice- I think I'm going to get some food delivered to her house tonight, even though she keeps saying they don't need anything. I won't get into all of the details, as they are hers alone, but many of these suggestions are great. I've marked my calander with a bunch of dates to remember as well. Thank you all so much.

[Angie]

We lost our first daughter shortly after she was born at 41 weeks and then identical twins at 18 weeks. After going through so much I can say the ONLY way we got through it was the constant support of our friends and family. The advice above is so good. We certainly did't want to ask for help so anyone that just did it made all the difference. Once my husband went back to work I was lonely during the day since I was on maternity leave with no child to care for. Having friends stop over with care packages (magazines and goodies) or inviting me out to lunch was helpful.

I can understand that your friend wasn't ready to talk yet. It is so hard to talk about everything at first. You have so many emotions that are all racing around in your head and you don't know how to voice them. You lose not only your precious child, but also the hopes and dreams you had for them. It is hard to come to grips with that. Be persistent with her so that she knows that no matter when it is that she is ready, you'll be there. Just knowing that people were thinking of us helped. I got cards from people I hadn't seen in years which really touched my heart.

The worst thing anyone can do is say nothing or after a period of time not bring it up anymore. It has been almost 2 years since our first loss and my friends and I still talk about it often. Our babies will always be a part of our lives and our friends and family are included in this.

One neat thing some friends of mine did was order us a tree in our daughter's name that we planted. I also got a journal from my Mom that I have used to write down my feelings. It has been helpful to put things on paper that I don't feel comfortable talking about. Reading back, it helps me see how far I have come in healing.

In any case, let your friend know that she will get through this. It sucks completely and there is nothing that will ever make that pain go away. If she needs someone to talk to that has been there, please give her my email address. I will be thinking about her.

[AnonMom]

The other thing that might help is something that will help her and her partner abide together. A gift certificate for an evening out, keeping her other kids for her on a Friday night/Saturday morning so that they can stay up late, sleep in and have breakfast, etc. One of my friends who had a late term loss had an artist draw a portrait of the baby for her home (perhaps not for everyone, but very meaningful for her). Another really treasured the little memorials people sent. Another needed to get those I'm thinking of you voicemails. And if there is a funeral, go. It will be a difficult day for you, too, but it will mean the world to her that you are there. And if she's not having a funeral, but is religious, consider having the baby (as in "Baby X", to protect her privacy) added to your place of worship's prayer list and sending her the bulliten. It's a nice way of giving a religious sentiment without any of the angel platitudes. Some friends sent me a Mass Card after a miscarriage and it still touches me to this day.

[Shelley]

I just want to express my appreciation to everyone who's suffered a loss who has taken the time to share what helped them. You're very very generous to share your stories here.

[hedra]

Something that the portrait reminded me of, which might help for extended family...

My mom has a wall of photos of her kids and grandkids. It includes both a picture of her son, and my sister's daughter. My little brother is an artist/illustrator, and he took one of the few black-and-white photos of my sister's daughter, enlarged and tinted it, and it now hangs below his son's picture.

Grandparents also grieve, and often don't want their feelings of loss and helplessness to affect the mother and father, so they suppress it. But if you offer to have a portrait done, ask if you can get copies of the portrait for the grandparents. Even if they never talk about it, having the picture up helps retain a sense or reality about the loss. I know my mom felt immense relief when her 'family wall' was complete, and not silently avoiding the topic. The grandparents may or may not want to follow through with that, but they might appreciate the option to do so.

[rebecca]

http://unitedgrief.com/ is a memorial website made by a mom who lost her baby a week before her 1st birthday. you can set up memorial pages and chat with others in the same situation here. just wanted to share.

[techne]

The suggestions in this thread are wonderful.

I recently dealt with a different sort of loss (an adult relative and her 2yo son) and it all holds up. For them, I would add that one of the best things anyone said to us at any point was "tell me about them." Not as applicable to a child of this age, but people want to talk: help them talk with questions like that and by showing them your own pain so they feel a bit better about showing you theirs.

[bernalgirl]

I send my condolences to your friend. The grief experience varies so much, and there are really great comments here, but one thing that I don't see here and that is so traumatic in those first months is How to deal with birth without a baby? Because it's really more like an accident scene than anything else, plus the horrible indignity of dealing with one's milk coming in. When I lost my twins to stillbirth a few years ago, I remember thinking I must be losing my mind because I couldn't wrap my head around the vivid, visceral memories of their birth, combined with the utter loss of not being able to bring them home with me. This may not be your friend's experience, but if it is, let her tell her story as often as she needs to – she's probably trying to make it real for herself so she can figure out how to mourn and take car of herself.

Also, there’s the awkwardness of social interactions for months afterwards. First you're visibly pregnant and planning, and then there's nothing. There's the tremendous loss, and there’s also the casual social interactions with the folks at the drycleaner and the grocery store who have seen you grow for months. Maybe you can do her errands and shopping for her, till she’s ready to face casual interactions again.

As others have said, if there’s a memorial service, go, and if she’s open to the conversation, strongly encourage her to have one. We didn’t, and it’s one of my significant regrets, because our secular culture doesn't offer much support for grief. Having a service helps the parents and their families commence mourning, and will also signal to people who may not have the life experience to understand that this is not something that will be forgotten in a few months. I was not at all religious before our loss, but the mourning rituals of organized religion really helped me – that and a really good therapist.

Also, use her baby’s name in conversation unless she asks you not to. No one got to know this little person, so there are no “normal” mourning conversations one might have to help remember the person fondly. It’s hard feeling that your child is invisible or unknown, using their name can be a huge comfort – and as others said, make a note of the date of her loss as you would for a birthday, and send her a note to let her know you’re thinking of her at that time of year – a card is something she can read and even savor (for its acknowledgement of her unknown child) in her own time.

I remember that I told the same story over and over again. My therapist told me that this was part of the process of integrating the experience back into my life. When I grappled with my anger at the senselessness of it, and later, tried to understand how anything good could come out of such heartbreak (it's confusing that some good things do as with any life experience, and this in itself can induce guilt), she helped me understand that loss makes us different from what we were before, and the key is to integrate new emotions, learnings, insights and beliefs into our life going forward. As a process-oriented person, this phraseology really helped me.

Encourage her to seek the comfort of community and the support of trained experts. Honor her child’s memory with whatever rituals have meaning for her and her partner. You’re already on the right track by posting such a request.

[Jill]

Send money. Gift cards for groceries, or especially cash is helpful. I know it isn't as warm and fuzzy as some suggestions, but hospital bills, eating out because you aren't up to cooking, and also missing work!... all add up and make a tough situation worse. I'll keep your friend in my prayers. Thanks for being such a caring friend.

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