Q&A: transitioning co-sleeping 9-month-old to crib

Erin writes:

"We are unintentional cosleepers/bed-sharers with our 9 month old daughter.  She was in an Amby Baby Hammock until about 6 months, when she started turning over in the hammock, making it unsafe.  The crib was in another room (it has since been moved to our room), and she was a frequent night waker, so she ended up in our bed.  For a while it was great, until the crawling/pulling up/talking developmental spurt attacked at the same time as hardcore teething - now she still frequently wakes up, but she is also practicing everything in her sleep, resulting in crappy sleep for all.  We'd like to transition her to the crib but she acts like it is electrified... She can be in a deep, limp-limbed sleep, but as soon as she lands in the crib, her eyes fly open  and there is no more sleep for several hours.  She is not a great napper, and we have only recently been able to get her to nap on a blanket on the floor (crib still results in the end of the nap)...

Any suggestions? We've considered getting an Arms Reach co-sleeper for nighttime (she's only 18 lbs, so not too close to the weight limit), and focusing on getting naps to happen in the crib - but will that just prolong the inevitable?  Should we wait until she's older?"

Yeah. This sucks. You're exactly in the middle of a sleep regression/developmental spurt/growth spurt/teething nightmare/whatever you want to call it. That means that it's the exact time you need her to be in her crib, but the least likely time you'll have any success moving her. If it was even just one of these things, and you had an awful lot of Benadryl (I'm kidding! Sort of.) you could try it, but there's just way too much going on in her teeny little body for her to be able to stop herself from waking up and bouncing around like that kangaroo in the old Sylvester cartoons.

The Arms Reach co-sleeper might work, but it might not, so I wouldn't buy one new. See if you can borrow one from someone, or look for a used one on Craigslist (you can flip it again there if it doesn't work out). Also bear in mind that the sides of the Arms Reach are not very high, so unless it's up against a wall in the corner, she could pull up and vault herself over the side onto the floor. (I had ours wedged up against a wall, a dresser, and a unit of drawers, so it was un-flipp-out-able.)

Realistically, nothing you do is going to get her to sleep through the night right now, and the crib is a pipe dream. That doesn't mean that she might not go easily into the crib in a month. It just means that right now is not the time to do it. So your strategy right now should focus on how to get you and your partner the maximum amount of sleep within the constraints of having the wiggling trout in your bed. You might want to consider alternating nights in the bed with her, with the winner getting to sleep all night on the comfort of the couch or in another bedroom. Or you might want to divide the ngihts in half, so you can each get 4-5 hours uninterrupted a night.

Whatever you do, though, bear in mind that this will not last forever. Try to get through another week, and she may be on the other side of the developmental spurt, or she may be through the physical milestones, and you may be able to get her into the crib. Try to take it a few days at a time, and one of these days she'll either go into her crib or go off to college, and your problem will be over.

As for naps, do whatever allows her to sleep. The better she sleeps during the day, the better she'll sleep at night, so if she'll sleep on the floor at least she's sleeping.

Does anyone have stories of hope for Erin about babies who were tough sleepers for the first year but turned into easy sleepers later on?

 

Comments

[Linda]

This is not in line with crib manufacturer guidelines, but we took one of the sides off our crib and used bungee cords to secure it to our bed, kind of our own cosleeper.

[Moxie]

Duh. Yeah. What Linda said. I can't believe I forgot about that.

[amy]

My daughter was a miserable sleeper from the get go, and I always chalked it up to her being a preemie. What I learned over time (especially during the transition from me cosleeping with her on our guest bed to her sleeping in the crib) was that her biggest complaint was being cold. She hates it. She would also act like the crib mattress was electrified when I laid her down, deep asleep.

What helped was switching to a flannel sheet and warming the spot before I laid her down. Because my tot was so small, I could do this by rubbing my hand on the sheet while I held her in the other, but I've heard of people using a warm/hot water bottle for a couple of minutes.

It only worked for a little bit in the beginning - short naps, then longer naps, then short nights, then longer nights - but it did work. The big caveat here is that we did the transition earlier than this (5 months, maybe?), so we were not dealing with what Erin is.

[hedra]

Ditto with the crib-sidecar approach. Not only does it have higher walls, but it also has a firm mattress, and more square footage than a standard cosleeper (hence will last longer).

The nice thing with a crib sidecar is that they can sleep IN it, and since it isn't the same sleep surface, when they wiggle and bounce, it doesn't set YOUR bed to bouncing. Less transfer of motion. More sleep. Woo!

We attached ours with heavy-duty packing straps (the kind that ratchet and lock), linking the crib frame to our mattress/box spring (ran the straps between mattress and box spring, around crib frame, back through our bed again, and hooked both ends to dowels that run upright across the mattress and box spring, then ratchet tight), and packed the crib mattress out tight to the edge of our mattress (packed the back edge with wool blankets - nothing fluffy that would either compact or cause a suffocation hazard). I could sleep in my space, and Brendan slept in his space, and he just rolled toward me when he needed to nurse.

Ditto on the not moving them during a fussy stage. It takes some thinking ahead - most people don't *want* to move the baby when they're sleeping well, but that's when they'll adapt and move the easiest. And there will be more fussy stages to come, so if you can't cope with this one well, anticipate and plan for how to cope with the next one. Either move them when they're doing well, or decide that you can get through it using the solutions you find to cope this time, and just shrug and don't bother moving her at all.

Also, keep in mind that having them in their own bed is NOT a guarantee of sleep, especially during fussy stages. Our first child, we moved out just before the 4.5 month fussy stage. He took to the crib wonderfully, with a gradual move over 6 weeks. And then the next stage hit, and I found myself sleeping on the floor of his room, my arm through the rails because the only way he'd sleep was if I held his foot. Sigh.

But then the phase passed, and I got to sleep in my room again. For a few weeks, and then the next phase hit, and hit harder. We moved the rocker/recliner into his room, and I ended up sleeping at least part of the night in his room most of the time (he was mommy-only at night for years), in the recliner (not great sleep), until he was over 2 years old. Or was it three? Three. My memory is fuzzy, sleep deprivation, I think! ;)

Having learned our lesson the hard way, we used the crib sidecar with our second. WOW did that work better for us. Fussy stages were still fussy stages, but at least I didn't have to get up and move! DH was still within reach at night, too. When we found out we were expecting twins after that, we skipped the side car and just added a queen sized bed to our bed.

Granted, we also learned that we don't mind cosleeping all that much, most of the time. Especially if we have ROOM. Without enough room, it sucks, especially for dad, who ends up clinging to the edge of the bed with his fingernails. But with enough room... well, our oldest tends to join us in the wintertime, now, so it can get a bit crowded (though not quite the fingernails thing). But most nights are like last night, where there was some of the usual bedtime resistance, some against-the-rules bouncing, some gleeful wandering back and forth reading books on Mommy, then Daddy, some negotiations about who got to cuddle with Mommy, a middle-of-the-night position change where Rowan decided to go cuddle with Daddy for a bit... some lovely, some irrirating, some sweet, some annoyance, but overall, not bad, and certainly not lonely. It isn't always lovely, but as we know, having them sleeping in their own room also isn't always lovely. We're comfortable with this, for now. (We do get to sleep next to each other regularly with minimal company, too - my mom takes the kids for regular overnights once they sleep through the night and are comfortable staying over - that makes for a nice counterpoint, though not everyone needs that, and some need it more than others!)

Last advice: Don't imagine forward. It only ends up being wrong. I imagined forward to Gabe sleeping in his room, peaceful and serene, with maybe a few odd nightmares here and there. Ah, what a lovely fantasy! Imagining forward is easy to get into either fantasy or nightmare, that it will always be 'like this', or it will never be 'like that' (insert either perfect or awful picture in either place). Reality is that it slides around, it is seldom utterly perfect, rarely totally awful, and mostly is just within our margin of reality and coping most of the time, somewhere. Messy, but with moments I wouldn't skip. Being able to stay with the moment, deal with reality as it is right now, I am more likely to roll with it easily (okay, most of the time!). And I do get more sleep now with four kids in our bed than I did with just one and him in his own room.

[hedra]

(Which is not to say that separate rooms/beds is wrong, either! Rolling with whatever you do, gently, is likely to have both challenges and benefits, either way. Just pick the ones you want to live with!)

[Reese]

Ding, ding! That's my Lexi all over. We ended up cosleeping because she had. to. nurse. to. sleep. If she didn't, there was screaming and crying and absolutely no sleep ever. A month before her first birthday we finally decided we were done with it and started trying to get her into her crib. She would scream and scream while she was in there no matter how tired she was. Eventually here is what we did:

We put her in weather appropriate pj's, turned on the fan (always - the sound helps her sleep), turned off all the lights and nursed her in the rocking chair. That got her nice and sleepy so we then put her in her crib as gently as possible. 99.9% of the time she would still wake up, so we would stand over her crib with a hand on her belly or with her holding a finger until she started to drift off again. Then removing the hand and just standing over the crib. Then, once she was asleep (or at the cusp of sleep) quietly back out of the room.

Sometimes it worked great, other times we had to let her cry for intervals (5 min, go calm her, 7.5 minutes, go calm her, 10 minutes...). The biggest problems with Lexi were (are) that she likes to fall asleep WITH someone and she can't realize that when she is tired she needs to stop playing and sleep. The bouts with crying in her crib helped her get out that extra energy that was keeping her from being able to fall asleep. When we went in to calm her she was content to curl up with us in the rocking chair again, lay her head on my (or my husband's) chest, and start to fall asleep again.

A note: Lexi was breastfed and I had a much harder time than my husband did with trying to get her to fall asleep in the crib. I feel that is because she was so used to bedtime + mommy = nurse. My hubby got her down in half the time.

[Serena]

I think the warmth can really help a lot - we had a difficult time getting Noah to bed around that age (even though he was only occasionally co-sleeping at that age and mostly was in his crib after 4 months). Using a flannel receiving blanket wrapped around him while I was nursing or one of those zipped up baby blanket pouch things really helped - they held the heat from my body as he was put into the crib so the transfer was less stressful. I agree with dad vs mom post too - even now, almost a year after I stopped nursing, it can be a lot less of a struggle for dad to put Noah into his crib, especially for a nap.

[hedra]

Oh, and Ferber's newest book (only the new edition) I think has strategies for helping set different expectations if the issue is 'what I see when I go to sleep is what I expect to see when I wake up' (which after 9 months, IS an issue). There's more than one way to approach it, and not all of them involve letting them cry for any duration of time. (Check out Ann Douglas' book on sleep solutions, too - she covers ALL the options, and then you pick what will work for you...)

[Dani]

My daughter was a horrible, terrible sleeper for the first year and a half. She was all over the place, nursed constantly, and she regarded the crib as a torture device. After 18 months she slept better but still needed to be right with us in our bed. My story of hope is that shortly after she turned two, she said, out of nowhere, "Want to sleep in big girl bed now." And that is exactly what she did. She just turned three, and after I read to her at 7pm each night, she pushes me away and says, "Leave now because I really want to sleep."

Anecdotal, yes, but perhaps inspiring in some way.

[AV]

For what it's worth, we used the Amby until DD was 17 months old when she figured out how to get out of it. I was worried we would have to give it up when she learned to flip over too, but as we monitored her closely, we found her nose wasn't smooshed up as I had feared, and she figured out how to flip back over if she wanted to.

Don't have transitioning advice as we still co-sleep and DD justed started sleeping through the night this past week (22 months old). We did put her in the crib to start the night when the Amby days were over, but she took to that right away, probably helped that she was quite a bit older than 9 months.

[Annika]

I would advise against the Co-Sleeper. We used one (though my son slept in our bed more often than not) until we hit the stage you describe (at seven months! eegad!) at which time he not only refused to sleep in it but also was perfectly capable of crawling/climbing out of it. Not such a big deal when he headed for our bed, but no good if he headed in any other direction.

You might try using her crib like a co-sleeper, with the rail down. I think the higher rails would be safer than the low sides of the Co-Sleeper.

We just sleep with him between us and live with the frequent disruptions. I'd love to hear any suggestions on getting through the night in a family bed. We love sleeping with him but I think he's the only one getting a decent night's sleep.

[cagey]

My heart totally goes out to this reader. My 14 month old son turned us into co-sleepers, also. He slept with us for about the 1st year. I was actually okay with the co-sleeping and embraced it because I never, ever lost sleep at night. However, naps were nightmares - for me. So I should clarify that my son was a good sleeper, just a lousy napper.....Around 8 months, I started consistently trying to put him into this crib for naps, then would give up and do the "whatever works" method. However, eventually, he started taking naps in his crib around 11 months. Then, I started putting him in his crib for bedtime - he would start the night there, then end up in bed with us around midnightish. Eventually, he just started sleeping through the night there and now, I am totally spoiled and have difficulty remembering a time when he did NOT sleep through the night.

I hope my story offers hope - I have cried a lot of tears and it is so frustrating not knowing if you are doing the right thing or not. I say, stick with the mantra Moxie provided "this will not last forever". What really got me through the no-crib struggles was knowing that in all probability, he would head off to college, sleeping on his own. Hang in there!

[caro]

I feel your pain. We were unintentional (but pretty happy, for a while) co-sleepers and went through many of the miserable periods you describe. It just always seemed impossible to move M to the crib, so we didn't until we were several feet past the end of our ropes.

What finally worked with M (at 17 months old, after gradually and miserably cutting out all night nursing but not yet the nursing-to-sleep step), was talking a lot about what was going to happen, going through our whole bedtime routine as usual, nursing in the chair next to the crib, then putting her in the crib and standing with her while she screamed off and on for an hour and a half, talking gently to her, looking at a book together thru the crib bars to coax her to sit, then lie down, and rubbing her back until she fell asleep. That was the first night. Second try (the next day's nap): No crying and no resistance to lying in the crib at all. Subsequent tries: No more than 10 minutes of fussing, easily calmed by back rubbing.

(Weaning her off of back rubbing, and then off of one of us quietly sitting in the chair next to the crib while she fell asleep, is another story. Ahem. Still ongoing).

Unfortunately I can't say that M has become a terrific sleeper. We still have our horrendous nights. But the good news is she sleeps MUCH better in her own room than she did with us.

Anyway, from what Moxie and others have said, it sounds like you are at a point with regard to development, teething, general fussiness, etc. where it would be unadvisable to try this, but what I learned from our experience is that if you genuinely cannot stand the situation anymore and your sleep arrangement is causing you and your partner and your kid to get an awful night's sleep, you really can sometimes punch through a night or two of increased misery and get to a better place. I hope that happens for you soon.

[Mary]

Our older kid transitioned from co-sleeping to crib-sleeping fairly easily at around six months, so we were flummoxed when the new kid absolutely refused to sleep in a crib. At about eleven months we tried "forcing" her to sleep in the crib. I would nurse her to sleep, put her in the crib, and then her father stayed in the room with her if/when she woke up. This method resulted in hours and hours of screaming, even though she was never alone. After six nights, we gave up.

Prior to the failed experiment, we had been sleeping in seperate beds, me with the baby in a double bed. We decided to buy a relatively cheap Ikea king-sized bed so that we could at least all be together. The bed is way too big for our tiny house, but it has worked pretty well. We all seem to sleep better, even though the baby sometimes ends up horizontal between the two of us. It has also lead to semi-successful nightweaning (she's 19 months). When she deigns to go to sleep before midnight, which is not that often, I can nurse her down on her father's side of the bed and she will sometimes sleep through the night without my apparently distracting self next to her.

We're hoping to transition her to a lower bunk in her sister's room in a few months. Fingers crossed.

[holly]

One of the great things about this site, is not just the good advice, but the realization that you are not alone!

There is not just one solution that is the "RIGHT" thing to do, you have to find what is aceptable for your baby and family. We have had to really let go of earlier expectations of life with a baby (stop imagining forward as Hedra said) and decide what is important to us and what we are comfortable doing. It isn't easy and babies are not convient! :) Hope our story helps (and doesn't scare the begesus out of you!)

Our son is 16 months and still cosleeps and nurses. It is funny to see how his sleeping skills have developed just like motor, language, eating (basically everything else.) We had a cosleeper at the start, and my husband jokes that it held everything OTHER than the baby, who would not stand for it. For the first 4 months, little guy just didn't "cosleep" - he "clutchslept" - facing me with my gown or bra strap clutched tightly in his little fist. Good instinct I guess. Then he started being able to let go and sleep a few inches away, then as he learned to roll over, he moved a few more inches away and onto his tummy. Then the stage Erin describes happened! It was like his mind wanted to sleep, but his body just keep on working. It was hard on all of us. I also would not recommend a cosleeper at this point from a practical safety standpoint.

What to do? We'll I certainly kicked myself and doubted myself for all the decisions that had lead to cosleeping. So don't do that, it is a waste of energy. We debated the options and went with what FELT right and we decided to continue cosleeping. Making enough room (like Hedra said) is what worked for us. We purchased a king size matress and put it on the floor. Out went the bedframe, boxsprings, and cosleeper! We even decided to pack-up the crib (still in the "baby room") as it was just wasting space!

Our babe's sleeping skills are continuing to develop and I think the next stage may lend itself to putting the crib matress next to ours, on the floor, and working toward nights there for awhile. We shall see. The really hard part has been naps, but he is sleeping deeper and longer and we actually bought a baby monitor this week so I can leave him alone in the totally baby-proofed room, on the matress, on the floor. Yahoo!!!!!! (I would not recommend leaving a baby not yet crawling VERY well, alone on an adult matress.) When will the BIG transition happen? I don't know. I am hoping I will be able to be patient and follow his sleep development and know when he is ready.

So, our bedroom isn't very cute, and people don't really understand the baby in the bed thing (we just survived a holiday family get together - phew!), BUT it works for us. I hope that you guys can find a way that works for ALL of you.

[Bobbi]

We started out co-sleeping from the beginning, thinking it would only be for the first couple of months of poor sleep. Unfortunately, our little guy went downhill after four months and hasn't slept well since (he is now 20 months and still up several times, although not for long). We tried getting him to sleep in his crib after he outgrew his playpen bassinet but he wanted nothing to do with that. He continued to sleep with us until we thought we were going to go crazy from being crawled on, kicked, pinched, pulled on, etc. We then took the side off of his crib and attached it to our bed and what a difference that made for us! Like others have mentioned, he had his own space and could move around without bothering us as much. We attached it with zip ties to our bed and then pushed it into the corner of the room so it had a little more stability (if he jumped around enough, our beds would roll across the tile floor!). The crib mattress was about two inches lower than ours and it stopped him from unintentionally rolling into our space. This was a life saver for us! The only downside for me was getting in and out of our bed -it was a little difficult as I have a lot of back pain. We did this until we moved two months ago. We didn't reassemble the crib in our room as we bought him a new double bed for his own room, thinking we could transition him to his own bed when we moved. Ha! He sleeps between us now in our new king bed. He is happy, so we are content doing this for a while.
The toughest time for us was 8-10 months for sleep. I went crazy trying to get our son to stop being so jumpy and restless. I just recently started trying Hyland's Calm Forte tablets and it has cut down on the restlessness our son experiences and he is much calmer in his sleep. Moxie has mentioned these tablets before, not sure if you can use with such a young baby or not, but it might be worth looking into. We also started using a white noise machine at ten months which helped keep him asleep through any noise from the household.

[Mary]

I forgot to add our experience with naps. The baby did not reliably nap well until she was about fifteen months. Now we can usually get about one two-hour nap a day, however, she has no schedule. The nap could start as early as noon or as late as 5:00. This corresponds to her freakish night sleep schedule, she might go to sleep as early as 9:30 or as late as 1:30 (ouch!).

She will only fall asleep by nursing down in our bed, a stroller ride or a car ride. With the latter two we are able to carry the stroller or carseat into a quiet room and leave her there in it, if we come home relatively soon after she falls asleep. We also rely on a fan for white noise during naps and night sleeping.

[flea]

My first child was a terrible sleeper, but I think our inexperience as parents sure didn't help any. I think with my second child, now 6 months, we have the dual advantages of a better sleeper by his nature (at 3 months he was doing 6-hour stretches, although he isn't right now) and the wisdom of understanding how to encourage sleep, and sleep independence, doing so gently. I think I learned most from Elizabeth Pantley's 'No Cry Sleep Solution,' which is also a good book in that it is respectful of all sorts of choices (breastfeeding/not, cosleeping/not).

I coslept with my daughter until about 9 months, when I was so tired of being woken up every time she wiggled or snorted that we moved her to a crib against the bed, and eventually a crib in her own room. My daughter loved (and at 3, still loves, when she can get it) cosleeping. I find I tend to wake up more often than necessary, nurse the baby when it isn't even hungry because I'm half asleep, and in general get overtired and miserable. I think some adults just aren't cut out for cosleeping! My 6 month old is doing about every other night in his crib (in our room) and taking to it well. I look forward to the day when my two kids can cosleep with each other - best of all worlds! And maybe my husband will stop snoring...

[O]

Ugh, so many sleepy families. I love the "accidental cosleepers" term, which describes us with baby #1 to a tee. Lucked out on crib transition with him. #2 was much harder, though I must say, he never minded the crib more than he minded being put down anywhere else. What worked for us: there are fleece crib sheets out there, very fluffy, but still sids-safe, which helped with the cold-sheets transition. (My kids are squiggly sleepers so blankets or hand-warming were uneffective solutions.) I also tended to put the fleece crib sheet on over a regular crib sheet since those mattresses (sensibly) all seem to be made from a cold-holding plastic.
Second solution with baby #2: I moved in to his room for a while. He was waking every 2 hours to cry, and I knew (from trying to bf) that it was not from hunger. (He happily comfort-nursed, of course, but wasn't serious about it.) He'd wake up, cry, and I'd settle him somehow; eventually the disorientation got better, and usually by the 5-to-7am waking I missed my husband so we'd finish upstairs. Eventually we got to the point where he'd wake up, look for me, and go back to sleep; and then the point where he'd wake up, I wouldn't be there, and he'd still go back to sleep. Miracle! The bad news: it took weeks (4-5) during which my husband was understandably incredibly grouchy. (He, too, apparently sleeps better when I am in the room with him.) But the temporary pain has paid off in long term gain: my every-two-hour waker has turned in to a through-the-night sleeper. I can't believe it either. But in our case, having company the first month made the transition work.
Finally, don't let me lead you to believe this is easy. Watching the baby whimper broke my heart; of course I wanted to snatch him up and cuddle him. But, I also had to remind myself that I want him to sleep well, that it's good for him, his development and growth, and our family for him to sleep well on his own, and like any skill, it can be hard to learn and sad to leave a nice pattern that worked in the past. And I couldn't let him cry hard or he'd wake the toddler, which was part of the point of teaching him to sleep, so I reminded myself that whimpers and wailing are two different things.
As a note, he still nurses before bed (he's 16 months) but I am breaking him from nursing to sleep now. (He'll nurse, and at some point, I've had enough, and pull him off.) Half the nights, he smiles broadly and snuggles in for non-nursing cuddles; other nights he cries pitifully and falls asleep in mid-cry. Life (I pray) is long, and toddlerhood is short, though wow, I understand why sleep deprivation is covered in the Geneva Convention. Best of luck finding something that works for you.

[Kate]

Our crib, purchased by my IL's for us when dd was tiny, is a very expensive, space-sucking clean clothing depot. Both kids have refused to sleep in it--same wake up Erin described--even though ds was happy in a co-sleeper prior to our attempt. (Something about the bars? Don't know.)

Our solution was a quilt on the floor of our room for naps and the beginning of the night. (Each wound up in bed with us eventually; when we gave up night nursings, one at a time, dh was on floor duty.) DD went into a toddler bed very young (14 months) because we figured out that she would not climb out of it although she could go up and down; she cried and waited for us to come get her. There was a brief spate of showing up after being put to bed when she was about 18 months, but that ended within weeks.

I should add that part of the reason why we're comfortable with this is our kids have only ever sought us out when they wake up on the floor--they don't crawl into the bathroom and play in the trash, you know?

We despaired of our daughter ever sleeping through the night--probably would have tried CIO (although we object to it on principle) if we didn't live in an apartment. When she started going to bed awake, after nursing, one of us would have to sit there for a while in the dark. But for the past six months (from her 2nd bday or thereabouts, when she moved to her own room) she nurses, then happily reads, asks to have her light turned off, and puts herself to sleep. Same routine for naps.

At this point, I'd say encourage whatever is safe for everyone and maximizes sleep--daytime and nighttime.

[SprengBlingBling]

I was just going through this with my 11-month old. I would nurse him to sleep and he would fall asleep on the boppy on my lap, as soon as his head hit the crib, it was a wide-awake screamfest for 30 minutes.

I thought about it a few days and realized he was tired, but maybe my moving him around was disturbing his sleep. So yesterday I tried putting him in his crib with his noise machine and crib soother on, no nursing, no rocking. He cried for less than 5 minutes for his four naps since then and slept for over an hour each time. I now nurse him when he wakes up instead and am thrilled with the progress.

Mind you, this is only day 2...

[ellen landrum]

I'll be short and say we're in exactly the same boat- a nasty teething spell with our 12-month old and we both NEED her out of our bed (or we need a bigger bed).

One suggestion- we bought a lambskin (Bowron makes the old standard unshorn lambies). Sophie (our daughter) likes to play with my hair, is very tactile, and the idea is that wherever she sleeps, Lambie will follow. So she has bonded with it in our bed. She naps well with it in the crib, and when the awful teeth finally break, we will see if she can stay in the crib (next to our bed), for at least most of the night. I'm still nursing and don't see a real end to the cosleeping until she's weaned (i'm just to deep of a sleeper to go to another room to nurse). But Lambie is our latest experiment.

It's so funny that you asked this question- there have been so many nights when I sat down to write Moxie with the same dilemma.

[Karen]

We had the same problem with our now 2 year old daughter. We took the crib mattress out of the crib and put it on our bedroom floor. It was much easier to put a sleeping baby down on the crib mattress than dropping her into the crib and it allowed us to lay beside her if she stirred. This way we knew she was comfortable and got our bed to ourselves. She did roll off the mattress a couple times but our room is carpeted and we made sure there was a blanket or pillows on the floor to cushion the fall. We gradually moved the crib mattress into her room and it made for an easier transition to her "big girl" framed bed when the time was right.

[callie]

These things helped us move a very attached co-sleeper into his own crib (and room) for naps and then eventually all night:
1. Chenille sheets from pottery barn- a little pricey, but very soft, warm, and worth every penny.
2. A slightly noisy cool mist humidifier set on low. The noise blocks house sounds, mommy's voice, and is (white noise) oddly soothing. We used the cheapest Holmes available, because the more expensive ones were silent. I think it is Holmes 1230.
3. Put the baby down awake and cheerful. It took me a long time to figure out that letting him sleep in my arms or on my chest and then trying to transfer him was too stressful. I set him down, talk happily "night night", turn on the crib soother or mobile and the humidifier, leave the room and close the door. We used a good monitor so I knew he was okay and could stop pacing when he stopped talking to himself.
4. They will fall asleep better if you put them down a little while before they are fussy and overtired. This sounds obvious, but we got into the routine of waiting just a little too long because baby didn't seem tired enough to fall asleep easily.
5. An earlier bedtime makes the baby sleep for longer periods. Not sure why this works, but it's true. The baby also sleeps later in the morning once they are sleeping through the night if put down earlier.
6. Try not to change routine, so it signals rest time. For instance- wake, feed, play, feed, put down. Repeat. In the early evening, bath, story or song, feed, put down. Every single day.
7. We used the same lovey each rest time. We got it out at the feeding right before bed, and even it's smell triggered rest. Try to use it only at rest time. I used to put it in my shirt while I did morning chores so it smelled like mommy, and it did the trick. This only works for older babies, after the SIDS risk declines significantly. Until then, lay your pillowcase or sweater in the crib each morning until rest time so the sheet smells like mommy. I know, this is strange and slightly embarassing, but hey, it worked for us.
8. Be prepared mentally for it all to shift as the baby makes major transitions- illness, teething (especially the first four), vacations, and physical and even verbal milestones. It will eventually calm down if you stick as closely to the routine as you and baby can comfortably do so.
9. If you take the baby into your bed occasionally because you just need to do so-don't feel guilty, and don't stress about it. Just get back to routine when you can.
10. Enjoy even these sleepless months, because it passes in the blink of an eye. You can catch up in your rest home.

[Queenie]

Totally insane, but my husband and I have been agonizing about how to get our six monther into her crib and I was JUST ABOUT TO WRITE YOU. Crazy, no? Our Mouse has been waking up every 2-3 hours despite how much she eats pre-sleepytime for the last week or so, and she's ended up in our bed for the majority of the night for the last month. Three days ago she learned to roll over, and now its no longer safe to let her nap or sleep by herself on our king-size bed. And her bassinetty/playpen thing wasn't working at all anymore, so instead of waiting for a the nine month mark we're moving ahead with the cribbing. This post will help me and stop my husband's head from exploding. Thanks!

[Moxie]

Queenie, if she just learned to roll over, my bet is she'll be sleeping better in a week.

Callie, excellent points. Especially that #5. Parents of older kids need to be reminded of that regularly, too, since it applies to 20-month-olds and almost-5-year-olds and 8-year-olds, etc.

[hedra]

Callie, wonderful list! Flexible, sensible, and guilt-free!

As for why Callie's #5 works (because sometimes knowing WHY makes it seem worth trying), from what I've read it has to do with adrenaline. Once they start to 'shut down' for the day (I've found that this is usually around 5-5:30 for my kids), if they have to keep going, their bodies will pump out adrenaline to keep them functional.

It takes a while for adrenaline to process out of our bodies, and IMHO, even longer for kids (not science, there, just experience). Once it is down to a certain level, they'll crash. But until then, we're fighting a very strong biological process trying to get them to sleep. We have found that if we give them a good 45-minutes-to-an-hour of bedtime routine/prep (not 'warnings while still playing' but actually moving into bedtime mode), adrenaline will be reduced enough for acceptance of sleep (this also gives us more time and less pressure to complete the rituals, so we're less stressed and therefore not adding adrenaline to the system by being cranky). They still may have adrenaline in their system, though. Think 'caffeine and sleep' - I can get to sleep if I've had caffeine before bed, but if I am disturbed at all, I'm awake and can't get back to sleep for a while.

Simpler and easier to just avoid the adrenaline issue and start before they get into that cycle. Which means that many kids really will sleep until morning if you put them down at 5 or 5:30, but will wake repeatedly if you put them down at 7:30. (We're kind of sunk on that point, since I don't even get home from the rounds of picking up kids until 6-6:30, and they still have to eat and do homework... sigh.)

As for #3 (putting down cheerful, rather than letting fall asleep and then moving), I read an interview with Dr. Ferber that said in essence, 'babies and children are not stupid. They know the world they find when they wake is supposed to look like they left it when they fell asleep - we'd be disturbed if we woke to find ourselves in a different room, on different furniture, with different people present, etc. So do they!' - Respecting them means allowing them to have the same environment for waking (including light wakings in the night) as for falling asleep. If you want them to be comfortable and secure about waking in the crib, alone, they have to go to sleep in the crib, alone. If you want them to fall asleep in your arms, fine, but you have to be willing to let them wake there, too. I'm paraphrasing a lot, but that's the essence. I think Callie has hit a MAJOR aspect of this that isn't often communicated - if going to sleep is scary/angry/sad/lonely/distressed, the same rules may apply - waking up will be expected to feel just the same. Putting down happy implies happy as the boundary of sleep, on both ends. (Combining that with #8, you've got a great recipe for handling the ups and downs of development!) There are plenty of kids who are flexible enough to adapt to the changes in location/attendant-people/furniture, but being aware of this might pinpoint the kids who are NOT comfortable with that.

[laury]

Excellent list, Callie! And I really appreciate Hedra's point about wake up where you went down. I love the idea of putting the baby down 'awake and cheerful'. But what do you do when he yells whenever he's put into the cot? Heat doesn't help here. He won't even lie down, even if I sit by the cot and pat etc. Is 13 months and has been like this forever. Loveys are thrown across the room. It's feed to absolute deep sleep - at least at nap time - or no dice. Any ideas, anyone? please?

[swimmermom]

With my three kids, I could put them down asleep IF I placed something firm and cozy (warmed rolled blanket, firm pillow when older) touching the top of the head. My theory is that each kid was used to having the top of his head touch my arm when we were nursing down, so replacing that pressure was soothing. Also, since we often nursed to sleep laying down together for both naps and bedtime, they were used to being on their sides, so I would place a rolled blanket or pillow behind their backs as we got started, and it would hold them in place when I got up.

But I think the "something touching the top of the head" trick worked the best.

[callie]

Oh yes, Laury, I forgot to clarify this.

Of course there were (and are) times when they don't want to be put down. Or, like my son, every single time at first. So, you have to put yourself in the right frame of mind before you put him down (because we really can only control our own emotions, but you might eventually be able to influence his).

All you can do if they don't go down happily is act happy yourself. I.E. "Night, night, mommy loves you happy baby. Have a good sleep you lucky guy. See you when you wake up." No matter how mad he gets, as long as you know he is safe, warm, and fed, walk away happily and close the door. And go fix yourself a drink (just kidding). But whatever you do, do not go in again unless you feel he is in danger. And repeat to yourself this mantra, "He is okay, he is safe. Sleep is not torture, even if he is screaming as if I've laid him on a bed of nails."

If he sees me falter, or I seem upset, he will respond likewise. Act happy, no matter how stressful it is. Smile, don't talk about it too much or act like he needs extensive soothing to get himself to sleep. You are not hurting him, sleep is what he needs to grow and be the best he can be. Be happy for him that he gets to sleep in a warm safe place. He might eventually believe you. Ditto for act happy when he wakes up. "Wow, you must feel good you lucky sleepyhead. Now we can eat, play, whatever."

This is not to my mind the very same philosophy of letting them "cry it out". I am extrememly sensitive to his emotions and had some basic internal struggle with the cry it out philosophy. So all I could do was to convince myself that a happy child is a rested child who knows he is loved and that sleep is a positive experience-and something that he can accomplish without me hovering, and that it was my job to convince him he had this skill to be proud of.

I'll do the same thing on the first day of kindergarten and privately cry my heart out. He can still be loosely tethered to me at all other opportunities, but with confidence instead of neediness.

[callie]

P.S. Moxie, sorry to post so extensively. And a disclaimer: I am in no way a sleep expert, just a mom who has been through it and feels empathy for moms who are going through this too. It was a big learning experience for me, and I had to let go of my own strange attachment and fear that I was somehow hurting him by letting him not be so very attached to me, even in sleep. Thanks Moxie, for letting this be a forum for support more than anything else. You are incredible.

[hedra]

You have to know your child, too.

What's the weight limit of the crib? Any chance of sitting in there with him? Just an odd thought (brought on by a memory of sitting in the hospital crib with Gabe when he was in for croup at 18 months - though that one had a tubular steel frame...).

My second, there was just no way I could push him. He would freak out if I tried to get him to sleep without everyone else in the room at the same time. Panic. There was just no walking away from that, and no way to put a happy face on it, either (I did use the cheerful approach with Gabe, to a degree, though I waited until he was half-way zoned first). So, know your child, adapt as needed.

I'll also say that far too often in my life, my child's BIG HAIRY issues (the things that freak them out utterly, outside of fussy stages), are all linked to health issues. CLOSELY.

For my oldest, the no-sleeping-much, waking-often thing? Silent reflux, spine issues, sensory processing disorder. I solved those (mainly), and ta-DA! Easy sleeper. Okay, so he was 4 when we figured out the first part (chiropractic was a godsend!), and nearly 6 for the reflux issue... but those were definitely part of the picture.

For my second - anxiety. BIG SCARY PANIC if we leave the room. MUST have lots of comforting presence to sleep. For him, it was lactose intolerance, fructose malabsorption, and chemical sensitivities. Those can all affect anxiety levels significantly. Huge difference with diet changes.

It comes back to respect and trusting them. I have to assume that if my child panics in a certain location, then there's a reason, and the reason is valid and true. It may not be the reason I think it is, it may not make any sense to me, and I might never even know what it is. But it is still real, for them.

Meriel, I never even considered putting anywhere else. I've commented to friends that she's one of those kids who CIO would kill, possibly literally. Break, certainly, in the psychological sense. Just not answering her promptly can set her into a panic so severe that she'll act like she's been locked in a closet for a couple of years. For her, again, it was a health issue. Another fructose malabsorber, at the very least. We haven't tracked it all down, but her panic wasn't drama, and it wasn't manipulation, it was real, genuine fear. I trusted that, and I'm glad I did.

There's all sorts of levels of distress that are within normal coping limits, though. You'll likely have a clue if your child is outside those limits. In which case, looking somewhere other than at the bedtime routine may be a bigger help.

So, if you're feeling trapped, and you're sure it isn't a developmental phase (see The Wonder Weeks, and I think 13-14 months is one of those phases), then consider health issues, too. Sometimes they need the extreme comfort because they NEED the extreme comfort, just to cope at all. I haven't regretted choosing to listen to them - especially when I found out at almost 6 years old that Gabe had been suffering from reflux for so long that he could no longer register sensation from his stomach, including hunger. I felt just sick over not knowing that, over missing all the little signs (and hating bedtime was just one of those), but I could at least say 'when he asked for help, I was always compassionate' (even if I didn't always do what he wanted). Most kids are thankfully pretty resilient!

So, Laury... Callie and Moxie and everyone else's advice is great, and you STILL know your child best. Trust that.

[hedra]

(and Callie, until I stop hanging around here, you have nothing to apologize for about post length or frequency! LOL!)

[Charisse]

Just one adjustment to Callie's list, which is that #5 is very very common but not universal. We spent ages thinking Mouse would should be put to bed earlier, and it's just not true. She (like both her parents) tends late in both the evening and the morning. Her bedtime has never been before 8 and now is around 8:30/9 if no nap and god knows when if daycare lets her take a nap. Once she's tired she's easy to put to bed (assuming nothing special is going on) and sleeps well; if we try to put her down too early, it will be a battle and then a rough night.

So do check in with your sense of your kid as you try to implement that one. It works for nearly everyone I know besides us, but if you're not seeing it you're also not crazy!

[callie]

I am so glad I checked back here. Where were all of you when we were going through it? So many good mommies.
Of course you know your child best, as Hedra said. After the first few months (where you have to just do anything to just get through it, i.e why they call it the fourth trimester), knowing that our son had no health issues that were preventing him from sleeping peacefully, I realized that I had become his primary association for sleep. Which is entirely natural, as I was his primary association for almost everything- food, comfort, and sleep included. I also realized that eventually this became crippling to both he and I- he needed me 24/7 and I needed to get other things done in order for our lives to function and to take care of his needs when he was awake. I also felt he needed to be able to self-soothe to some extent so that he felt confident in his ability to sleep- both when I was there and at times when it was just my husband or a sitter.
For a while, I felt very torn between the idea that a baby needs a mom and many of the separation norms here in the US are culturally induced. I would say to myself, well, in other cultures everyone sleeps together and they also carry their babies even when they work. This made me feel comforted when I let him sleep on me 24 hours a day.
Other times I would say to myself "Can't a girl get a break? and "Aren't I somehow failing him if he can't even sleep alone? What will he do when I need to go to a meeting or the doctors, or when my husband finally demands some attention?".
What is true is somewhere in the middle. Yes, your baby needs you and it is natural to be both physically and emotionally attached, especially the first few months. But what is also true is that in any culture, mom has needs, the family has needs, and the baby needs to be able to relax without constant hovering/attention.
So barring any health issues, I felt it was okay finally to let our son learn in safety and a supportive environment that it was okay to be alone a bit, it was okay to rest without mommy, and that I would support both his dependence and his independence. Sometimes a little nudge is all you need to realize that you and your baby, and the rest of your family, can find the arrangement that suits you the best at the time. If it's co-sleeping only until one of you is ready to move on, go for it. If not, you can find the strength to reach for the next best solution for everyone.
And Hedra, as always, I am so inspired by your advice and vision. I read the comments specifically to see what your take on things is. I wish you lived around the corner so we could have coffee.

[mollyball]

okay, i did it. I JUST DID IT. i have been really struggling with my 6-month-old's sleep problems (first kid), she is as happy in her crib as anywhere else but is a Frequent Night Waker (and Frequent Night Breastfeeder), and i've read about earlier bedtimes helping a lot, but i didn't have the balls to put her to bed at 5:30. it just felt so... early. but after last night (argh. argh.) i felt i had nothing to lose, so... i did it. she's been asleep for 2 minutes so far. i'd cross my fingers, but i'm too exhausted. we'll see if tonight is any better.

now (sorry if this is sort of a whole other post, but this thread is really saving my sanity right now and i need it to continue for the next 17.5 years) but i've been wondering if her soother is a problem: she uses it to fall asleep only, but seems pretty addicted. is she unable to get back to sleep in the night because her G@$#! soother has fallen out? i've been trying to wean her off of the soother, but it's so hellish. those things should come with a frickin warning label, like cigarettes. wait, now that i type this, it seems like a totally seperate post. i guess i'm just wondering if any of you guys hold soothers responsible for frequent night wakings. because i'm starting to. but how the hell to get her off of it?

okay, back to this post--we're 9 minutes into Super Early Bedtime Experiment Night One. wish me luck!

[Lisa]

Did I post this here/ Or on another thread? Anyway: Hedra's mention of medical issues reminds me to add: Could your kid be anemic?

T. was found to be severely anemic at 9 1/2 months (I have some odd genetic thing that keeps me from transmitting iron in my milk - go figure). Once we started giving him iron drops and iron-rich foods (per dr.'s advice), he went from an average of 40 minutes napping per day to 2 or 2.5 hours. Night wakings went from 8 to 2 or 3 - a manageable amount for us, for now.

[Purple_Kangaroo]

You don't need a specially-designed co-sleeper if your room is big enough. You can just sidecar the crib, like this: http://purplekangaroopuzzle.blogspot.com/2005/07/sidecar-crib.html

That eases the transition to the crib, too.

My child was a terrible, horrible sleeper for well over a year. It didn't really get better until we got her allergies, reflux and swallowing issues mostly under control. Then suddenly we had a child who slept!

[Tiffany]

My daughter co-slept till she was 5....with our son we didnt make that mistake...dont get me wrong there were nights that he ended up in our bed and still does on occasion (he's 3 now). We put him in his bed at bedtime and that was that, it took some time but he got used to it. We did end up having to buy a crib tent to keep him in at one point and it ended up being ok cause it kept the cat out lol. I wish you luck in your transition!!!

[allison]

Okay, I hesitate to write this because I don't want to be dismissed as one of "those" people, but have you tried letting your daughter cry/fuss to sleep? We co-slept (by choice!!) for 7 months until it became obvious that none of us were actually getting a good night's sleep. Our daughter was waking at least every two hours and she was just getting too big in our small bed.

Our first step in the transition was for me to sleep on the couch for a few days - that left the baby and my husband in our bed together. When she woke, he would do his best to soothe her back to sleep rather than having me nurse her right away. Some times, it was evident after three or four minutes that she really needed some mama-time, so he would bring her out to the couch so I could nurse her, then he'd take her back into bed with him alone. So for us, step one was to take the milk out of the equation. After a few days of this, our daughter went from sleeping for two-hour stretches to sleeping 4-6 hours at a time.

That's when we made the move to the crib. We went through our whole bedtime routine and made sure to put her into the crib while she was still awake. She cried hard, and it was heartbreaking, and then the crying turned into fussing and she fell asleep after about 20 minutes. That night she slept for 11 hours straight, which was absolutely unprecedented.

It took about a week before our daughter was at the point where we could put her in the crib and she'd rest peacefully, without any fuss. Now, at 16 months old, she still sleeps 12 hours a night and she does it with gusto.

In the end, we decided to try CIO because we were seriously concerned about the poor quality of sleep that our daughter was having with us, in our bed. We believed that a lack of consolidated sleep was having a detrimental effect on her health and well-being. We weren't sure that letting her cry wouldn't have a detrimental effect also, but we felt the lack of sleep was the bigger issue.

We NEVER thought we would let our daughter cry it out. We are AP parents - fully behind all the Sears books and all the other attachment parenting gurus out there who said that CIO was the gateway drug to a host of other sins. But it turned out that we got a little desperate. And for us, it worked.

[madeleine]

regarding transitioning of cosleeping to crib: our infant had same problem...to make the crib a safer place, I would get inside of the crib, with our son, and either nurse him or just hold him until he fell asleep, and then I would get out of the crib. Also, I gave up trying when he was only 9 months...separation anxiety was too great, and then tried again when he was 11 months.

[Dawn]

This thread has been incredible! This is exactly what my 13 month old and I am dealing with right now. It's really helpful to hear that other parents are going through the same thing! I asked my sisters for their advice and they made it sound too easy. After 2 days of trying the cry it out method (recommended by my sisters), I had to scream "No more" for Baby B's sanity and my own! I just can't stand hearing his misery. I'm going to attach his crib to our king-size bed and start transitioning him that direction.

By the way, we have a co-sleeper bed and Benno only accepted it for the first 3 months or so, I think those dinky mattresses are just too darn hard. It made the transition from nursing in the comfy bed with me and then going back into the co-sleeper bed difficult at best and impossible in the end.

Thanks for all the great advice!

[Carrie Anne]

I'm hoping Moxie sees this as the last comment was November 2007...I need your expertise (or anyone's for that matter)! We've been unintentionally co-sleeping for at least the past 7-8 months now with the crib side-cared. My husband sleeps in there more than my son-who has only slept a couple of hours at a time in there. My son is 13 months and is still nursing and waking up too many times to count. I want to wean him and get him in his crib and I'm not sure of the best way to get there. I've been working on getting him to fall asleep on his own (not nursing or being rocked to sleep) in our bed to start which is not going well. I tried not nursing him when he wakes up at night and that didn't work. Right now my plan for tomorrow night (Friday) is to stop nursing him (completely) and put him in his crib with the side up and let him cry it out. This seems too cruel and drastic, but I am desperate and at the end of my rope. Please someone HELP!

[Carrie Anne]

Thought I would add an update in hopes in helping someone in the future……After receiving Moxie's response to my email, I stopped nursing as planned but decided to sleep downstairs and leave my husband to sleep with our son. I can’t believe it went unbelievably well. It’s been about a week and a half and he is only waking up 1-2 times a night and is sleeping in his sidecar crib! I’m still downstairs while I’m trying to dry up my milk….which is not going well. Any advice you have on that would be GREATLY APPRECIATED! Our plan is to add the side rail tomorrow night and see how that goes before pushing the crib away from the bed. Hopefully I will be able to return to our bed soon.

I’m so grateful for your website and for all of the advice I have found! It’s such a pleasure to read intelligent well spoken comments from moms who are experiencing the same things!

[Elle]

we are about to start this seriously now that DS is nearly 9 months old. and nearly crawled off the bed last night while i was taking a shower and DH was supposed to be watching him but went to sleep instead...

i can put him down asleep in his cot just fine but our problem is that when he sleeps in his cot he rolls over on to his tummy and climbs up and then wakes up crying, even when he sleep with us he rolls over on to his tummy to crawl and wakes up, and if i try stop him then he wakes up mad too!!!! does anyone have any ideas how to help him sleep better?

we are sort of night weaning too, in that my DH has to learn that just because DS wakes up does NOT mean he is hungry and that feeding him just compounds the problem cuz he wakes more often.

[Maydossu]

Screaming. How do you cope with the screaming? As soon as I put my son down (10months), no matter how tired he is, he starts to scream. At the top of his lungs. There are no tears, and the screaming stops as soon as I pick him up..but as soon as he's down again, he screams. Neighbours are complaining and I have no idea what to do?

[http://www.amerisleep.com/adjustable-beds.html]

@J: The idea that a baby should be sleeping through the night at 12 months old is ludicrous to me. I know you need sleep, but please don't feel like a failure because your baby isn't sleeping. It's normal!

[Cherie Ceasar]

Everyone loves it whenever people get together and share thoughts. Great website, stick with it!

[Selina Kegler]

An outstanding share! I have just forwarded this onto a friend who has been doing a little research on this. And he actually bought me lunch simply because I stumbled upon it for him... lol. So allow me to reword this.... Thanks for the meal!! But yeah, thanks for spending time to talk about this issue here on your website.

[Mitsue Renzullo]

An impressive share! I've just forwarded this onto a co-worker who has been doing a little research on this. And he actually ordered me dinner because I found it for him... lol. So let me reword this.... Thank YOU for the meal!! But yeah, thanks for spending time to talk about this topic here on your internet site.