Apology

I'd like to apologize for my harsh tone in Tuesday's post about the 6-month-old baby who had no daily routine. I was aiming for tough love, because it seemed clear to me from the question (the part I posted and the rest of it) that the father was floudering and the parents thought there was something wrong with their baby. The baby was doing everything he could do--crying--to ask for help, and wondering what was wrong with him for crying is only going to make the problem worse. I wanted to impress upon Wits End that she had to take control of the situation, either by asking her husband to create a routine and stick to it, or by helping pull him out of PPD if that was the problem.

I apologize that my tone came off as harsh and mean. I should have edited better to keep the tough love edge but be kinder to Wits End.

Comments

[Mona]

I didn't read the other comments until now, but just wanted to say that I agreed with all of your advice and your tone. Routine helps babies in so many different ways, even if the daily routine is different on weekends than it is during the week. It helps them learn and feel secure. We are a flexible family but both of our kids have been more settled by 6 months because we gradually followed their lead and set a routine that worked for them and our family. A 6 month old that cries that much is definitely trying to communicate something in my opinion and I thought your suggestions were perfect. I have a lot of respect for your advice and you have helped me be a better, more patient parent so please don't feel too bad about the previous post.

[casey]

For what it's worth, I didn't read harshness in your tone. I read tact and concern. How many people really ask about a father's PPD?

[Nancy]

I don't think your tone was bad. Direct, yes, but not mean. Direct is good as it's easily understood.

[MotherLawyer]

I thought your post was very kind, direct and kind.

I really hate it when folks confuse directness with unkindness.

Sometimes the truth hurts. That doesn't make truth bad.

Thanks for all you do.

[Dani]

"the part I posted and the rest of it"

Yep, from your tone, my immediate thought was that you had edited part of the letter out, and were responding to a more complete picture of things than we could see.

I thought your response was perfect.

[Kate]

Just to clarify, I thought your advice was GREAT. I guess I just expect your advice to come with a walloping dose of empathy and leeway, and was taken aback by the tough love switcheroo.

[Charisse]

Wasn't offended personally, but I appreciate that you're a stand-up mama!

[Maria]

Moxie, I thought your post was on target and not harsh, or even particularly tough. Sleep-deprived, worried, first time moms (including me still - and my daughter's already 3!) may be a little extra sensitive, so it could have sounded tough to some ears, but for me, the direct, tell it like it is approach helps – don't make make me read between the lines. In my constantly distracted, preoccupied, did I mention sleep-deprived? state, I am in no condition to interpret advice that's trying to spare my feelings.

Which in no way means that I won't take it personally in my hyper-sensitive state. So I guess what I'm saying is you're in a no win situation and I think you did great.

[Fahmi]

I thought the tough love came across quite clear. From the bit that we saw, I think just being nice and friendly wouldn't have been as effective.

[Shelley]

Oh, it was nice of you to say so. Often e-mail, blogs and any written communication is so open to misinterpretation because there's no tone of voice or facial expression there to give cues as to what the communicator means -- and I think that's what happened here.

[fiona]

harsh? nuh! what you need is real, solid, direct advice. when you're VERY tired and confused and hitting the six month mark of first-time-parenting sleep deprivation, you just want someone to give you a proper answer, not fluff around the topic!

[nic]

While I agree that one shouldn't confuse directness with unkindness, I do think that the sentence "You and your husband are the problem" was in fact unkind. I'd have been gutted to read that from someone I was hoping would help me.

So good on you, Moxie, for apologising.

[Adrienne]

While most of the suggestions I felt were helpful and right on, the overall tone of the message was completely rude and insensitive. Thank you for posting this apology.

I too am a mother of a six month old and I happened upon this post because I was searching for some answers myself. People love their children and want what's best for them, that is why they make themselves vulnerable and reach out for help in the first place as this mother was doing. Parenting is difficult and most parents place a lot of pressure on themselves anyway. Saying that "you and your husband are the problem" is a low blow and not at all encouraging to frustrated parents who probably already feel that they must be doing something wrong.