Q&A: toddlers "flirting"

Erika writes:

"My daughter, Sophie, is 13+ months old. She's in daycare full-time and really seems to adore the other kids (6 total). She is one of the younger kids and the oldest is about 5. My question is about using the terms "flirting" and "has a crush". My husband thinks it's harmless to say to one of the 5-year old boys: "I think Sophie has a crush on you.", or "Are you flirting with [insert boys' names]?".

They both ring strange and wrong to me. It's like he's applying more mature qualities on her very innocent friendships. Why can't she just be friendly and have friends without it being about crushes or flirting? Am I reading too much into this? He says he'd never say it to adults but these kids are all going to be older one day, too."

I'm with you--something about it just sounds strange to me.

Having said that, I'll say that I definitely talk about my younger son "flirting" with people. But when I say it I mean that he's kind of an equal-opportunity "flirter," and by that I mean that he works hard to draw people in and make them love him, adults, men and women, kids, other toddlers.

What I think bugs me about the way your husband is using "flirting" is that he's clearly applying it in a romantic (if not sexual) sense, and that's just so far away from appropriate at this age. I know parents think about their children growing up and becoming sexual beings--we hope for the best in everything for our children as they live their lives. But applying romantic and sexual ideas to kids this young is, in essence, robbing them of their innocence and the pure joy of being little and unaddled by hormones.

To me, labelling her normal toddler behavior "flirting" (and saying it to the other kids!, which would royally piss me off if it was one of my kids he was saying it to) is a lot like buying little girls pants with the word "juicy" written across the butt, or teaching your daughter to dance like Fergie in the "London Bridge" video. There's just no need. She has the rest of her life to try to figure out how to negotiate her own desires and self-worth in the world. Why start messing with her head now?

The phone lines are open. What do you all think? Is this an overreaction? Would it be different if we were talking about a boy? Should I come up with another word to use to describe the way my younger one interacts?

Comments

[Serena]

Hmm, this is tough, as I just said to my daycare provider this morning that Noah (19 months) is in love with the new baby (he is in a family daycare and a new baby just started last week) - he was talking about baby Elizabeth all weekend.

So I meant my comment to indicate how much he is excited about seeing her - and I have frequently talked about how much he loves the other babies (he is the oldest) male and female. Yet when I read the question I had a very negative feeling about the comments of another parent - so clearly this is hitting a line...

Similar to Moxie, I often refer to Noah "flirting" with both men and women, as he tries to get everyone in a store to smile at him, one by one. But I don't mean that, or my comment this morning, to be at all romantic.

I think this question will make me think a bit more about what I mean (hopefully before I speak) - it is all too easy to put kids into "pre-grownup" roles - and it is just as easy to change my words to be more appropriate (instead of saying he's "in love" with Elizabeth, say he loves her - which is much more accurate!) I think I will still say that he is flirting with folks in stores - I think that is different from romanticizing an actual relationship your child has with another child.

Thanks for the post.

[christie]

No, not an overreaction in my book. I think you and Erika are both right on target in terms of letting kids just have FRIENDS who are both male and female without attaching any other significance to it. My son has just discovered that when he waves and smiles at people (for example, if he catches the eye of another driver while we're in the car), frequently they will wave and smile back. In twentysomethings, OF COURSE that would be flirting -- but with a three-year-old, I explained to him that people are often friendly when they see a friendly little kid. And that that sort of thing is always OK when Mom or Dad is nearby (i.e. friendly, outgoing behavior is great, but we want our kids to know safe boundaries too).

Clearly a 13-month old doesn't have the desire or the need to "flirt" per se. It would be easy to misinterpret the term, even when it's used in an equal-opportunity sense, because that's not the normal parlance. In Erika's situation, the little girl and the slightly-less-little boys are all getting a subtle message that normal boy/girl interaction is about romance... and yeah, that seems less than OK to me.

[Cat, Galloping]

Yick. I hate the term flirting for babies and kids, even the way you use it, because even though it's not what you mean, the word has sexual/romantic tones to it. But I *really* hate when people say their toddlers/preschoolers have boyfriends or girlfriends. Not to mention that several of my friends have 6-8 year-olds that have had the same bf/gf for YEARS! Gives me the heebie jeebies.

[cagey]

I have a 14 month old boy and I use the term "equal opportunity flirter" all the time because he is constantly "making eyes" with people wherever we go. However, I don't have a girl, so I can't answer to that part of the question.

[Aurora]

I think it's not an over-reaction at all. It seems to me that the sexualization of children is so ingrained, we don't even think about it very carefully any more... but I think it's important to consider carefully the effect of our words. I HATE it when people describe young children's behavior as boy/girl-friend/flirting... it's just not accurate. I also hate it when other people think they can use a nickname for my daughter (e.g., Princess)... but that's another post.

[hedra]

I'd ask why it is okay to do with kids, and not adults. If the answer is that it would be disrespectful to do with adults, then that's a real issue to address. Why is it okay to be disrespectful to your daughter?

That said, I'm not sure I have a problem with the term/use, overall. My experience:

My oldest was an emotionally astute and passionate child, who had a strong early urge for exclusivity of position in relationships (peer friendships included). He wanted to be bestest friends, not just one of the crew. He had crushes, in the 'typical sense' very early. He became furious when another boy (even another friend) danced with the girl he liked best, when he was not even 3 years old. So, for him, flirting? Yes, definitely. Crush? Girlfriend? Also yes. At 2-3 years old. Not at 13 months. At 13 months? Flirty, yes. Anything more? Eeew! Would have made me shudder. A bit older, and it fit completely, though.

For his little brother, a very different view. Brendan is best friends with a girl, also. But there is zero flirtiness involved, and a clear sense of boundary in that direction. He doesn't mope when she's not at school (he's sad, but not 'blue'). He talks about her, but not with gushing and drama and pensive-staring-out-windows. He adores her as a friend, and that's completely true to his behavior. I'd gag if someone called it a crush - even at 5 years old, and so would he!

At 13 months, the only behavior that seems likely here is the flirtiness, which is a way of gauging engagement of another, IMHO. If they respond to the flirt, they're open to pursuing an interaction. ANY social interaction. At this age, friendship is a moment-to-moment experience, though. And crushes are a long way off. I'd not have trouble with the 'are you flirting?' side of it. I would have trouble with the labeling the relationship beyond 'friends'. Even calling them friends might be too much at 13 months, LOL! Friends until someone does something the other didn't like, more like.

So, that's my boys. My girls? I had to really struggle with my gender-specific reactions to my daughters. Because of the message associated with girls who flirt, and girls who have crushes easily, I am way less comfortable with using those terms at ANY age, even if they fit. My conflict comes from wondering if by suppressing the term with one gender, when it fits the behavior of either, enforces the stereotype further ('she's not that kind of kid!'), or worse, sends the message that this kind of normal social behavior isn't acceptable for them just because they're girls. Um, also not the message I want to send! ARGH! Trapped. And I don't really have much of an answer, other than that if I'd enjoy it in the boys, I permit myself to enjoy it in the girls, and if I enjoy it in the girls, I permit myself to enjoy it in the boys. Which brings the 'icky' question back to a pure sexism question. If it was his son doing this, would he say that? A few years from now, maybe he would. But not likely at this age.

[hedra]

Oh, wanted to add that my oldest (Gabe) has a good case of early puberty going... so his behavior early on may be really unusual. I don't know. I do know that he's been doing double-takes on college girls walking by since he was 2, and was smmmmooooooth with the language pretty much as soon as he could talk at all (way smoother than daddy, so he's not just picking it up!). So take that case with as much salt as required for your experience! LOL!

[Linda]

Um, I call my kids flirts. I also call a respiratory therapist I work with and a PA I work with flirts. I myself have been called a flirt many times. To me, it's a harmless word that means friendly and teasing. I guess I'm in the minority since you guys seem to have such a strong negative reaction.

My kids, especially E, has a crush on one of her cousins. She seeks him out, laughs at his jokes, talks about him . . . just generally wants to be around him. My husband and I talk about it, but I would never mention it to the cousin or allude to any boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

My friends and I joke about setting up some arranged marriages between our kids. Is that wrong?

[Sarah]

I am not sure about kids and flirting, but I can only add that it was skeevy to me when my mom's friends (or uncles or grandparents or teachers) would ask "if I had a boyfriend?" at 4, 6, 9... It made it seem icky and I felt very uncomfortable. I could never reveal I had a crush, I hated that type of adult attention. And it made it hard when I transitioned to actually "liking" boys to admit it. (I was also fairly transparant about my feelings and talked incessantly about people I liked). So I try not to talk about flirting and my own kids...even if they seem to like (or "like" :) someone, I am not going to make a deal about it.

[robin]

I realize it's a matter of semantaics, but I think it's an innocent word. To me flirting just means being playful and trying to get a happy reaction from someone.

[hedra]

Linda, don't get me wrong, I do use the terms. I just try to be very accurate about when to use them, and have had to adjust to the gender issues it raised with me regarding girls. At 13 months, crush seems unlikely to be accurate. Flirt, far more likely, though fraught with implications if not used carefully.

And we used to joke about arranged marriages, also. But that stopped being fun after Gabe started being very serious about love and broken hearts, at all of 3 years old. I could easily have created a barrier between us by not responding to his level of seriousness. And IMHO, crushes are SERIOUS. At least, when I had them as a kid, they were! ;)

[the boxing octopus]

well, I know that when I say that my son is flirting (with other kids, with grownups in public places), that I am not implying that he is trying to get free drinks with the promise of sex; nor am I suggesting that he is acting in such a way as to be alluring or titillating or sexual in any way, shape, or form. And I know that the people that I remark upon his flirting to are also not thinking "wow, that toddler is really trying to get into my pants!"

I think that when we use these terms in reference to our children, it's with the understanding that in this context, the words are stripped of their more adult meaning.

And Harry DOES love his two gal-pals at daycare. He is very lonely without them when they are not there. But I'm sure he'd feel the same way if those two were boys. If we speak in terms of girlfriends, it's playful and innocuous (although we don't talk of boyfriends -- not that there's anything wrong with the!).

[Linda]

"wow, that toddler is really trying to get into my pants!"

Boxing Octopus, you made me laugh out loud and managed to summarize my thoughts in a much wittier way.

[Jane Plane]

My nephew (2 yo) has a crush on my son (6 yo). There's no other word for it. He's starry-eyed, he follows after my son obsessively and does and says every little thing my son does. It's sweet and lovely, really, and there's nothing wrong (imo) with saying nephew has a crush on son. Not least because son has had similar crushes on other usually older (boy and girl) kids. If I hadn't read this post I would have never even seen it through a romantic lens - it's the same word, but separate meanings.

The way the question is posed, and the way Moxie responds, it's obvious that someone is reading something too romantic/sexual into the behavior, but it's not clear if it's Erika's husband, or Erika and Moxie.

I do agree that engaging the other kids about it (unless it's as a bare bones explanation for obsessive stalkerish-but sweet-behavior like my nephew engages in with my son) is crossing a line. Kids probably understand inter-kid adulation instinctively without an adult calling it "flirting" or "crushes" or anything else.

[Jane Plane]

And I posted at the same time as Boxing Octopus, who said what I meant about same word, different meanings. And made me laugh at the same time.

[Sisco]

Yeah, I'd love it if I could use words, like "flirting," and not have to worry about context (the I didn't mean it that way argument and the history of the word doesn't exist when I use it). But what can we do? Words are used to communicate, and so rely pretty heavily on a history of cultural meanings as they work to convey meaning.

And the fact is, the word flirt is usually used and meant to convey sexual, romantic interest. What gets me about its use in reference to children, in addition to worrying over the sexualization of children, is the heterosexualization of children. Most times, have you noticed? it's used to describe a friendship or encounter between males and females. I know, I know, not by you. But most times.

[Kate]

I've seen that starry behavior before in kids, and don't see anything wrong with it. I don't see anything wrong with calling it a crush either. I don't even have a problem with saying kids are flirting (when they are charming, alluring, whatever). I have a problem when adults try to force feelings that aren't there. For instance:
My son is 6 now. When he was 4, he was good friends with a little girl - the cousin of our downstairs neighbors. The neighbors used to tease him (well both of them) about being girlfriend/boyfriend. They would try to get the 2 of them to kiss (the kids were in kindergarten!) I asked them to not do that, and explained that I wanted my son to be comfortable having female friends, as well as male friends, without feeling like it had to be romantic. They took me at my word, and stopped that type of teasing immediately.

When my son comes home from school, and says he's going to marry a girl from his class when he grows up, I don't make a big deal of it. I ask if they are friends, and if they play or sit together. I encourage him to be friendly, but I never push about him marrying anyone, or kissing, or call any of his 'girl' friends a 'girlfriend'.

[hedra]

I think the fact that we can call our kids 'equal opportunity flirts' validates the point Sisco makes. If we have to qualify it, that means the implication was there.

And the sexualization of kids doesn't mean we think they're trying to get into our pants. It means that we're validating and encouraging behaviors that in adults would be sexual, even if the child isn't aware of the connotation/expectation/perception. I don't think that most little girls in belly shirts in the summer are thinking 'ooh, maybe some guy will think I'm hot and I can get me some!', either. But it allows for that direction of thought at a much younger age than would otherwise be expected. It encourages the behaviors in that direction. The question then becomes is that wise? or 'should we tolerate this direction?'

I do think that flirting and crushes are normal human behavior. And that they are developmentally appropriate, regardless of genders of the parties. I'm stuck on 'what other word should we use?' I use flirt because I have included in that definition the non-sexual connotation, and I use it with people who see it the same way - as a behavior that is later used romatically, but which starts well before that. I have no other word for the behavior.

Likewise, crushes. I don't know another word that conveys that mad adoration. Hetero-centric or not. So I do use it. But only when the behavior presents as a fait accompli'. I would find it uncomfortable/odd to use it before the behavior is fairly pronounced and obviously a 'fit' for the word. But once it is present, regardless of the gender of the target, the word is the word I have.

Hmm. Interesting discussion. I know my oldest is strongly hetero, and tended to crushes hetero as well. But he sure knows that that's not the only viable option! At the same age that he was heaving sighs and moping about his love life (3, that is), he was stomping in red-faced fury that his two aunties weren't allowed to get married just because they're both girls. So, how much weight to put on the heterosexualization of kids through this pattern of behavior? I don't know. If it is just the tip of a deeper iceburg, maybe it means a great deal, says a lot about the assumptions of the dad in this case, about what he expects girls to be like, rather than just watching and responding to what his daughter IS like. Hard to say. Not enough data!

[AmyinMotown]

I am with Linda here--I refer to a certain expression of Maggie's as "flirting" (smiling, head down, eyelashes batting, coy) because it reallly looks like it. And I don't mean it in a sexual way. Also like Linda I have been called a flirt and I generally mean it in the context of teasing and fun. I am pretty clear on the line between innocent flirting and sexual advances/harrassment. I sometimes laugh about how she's "such a big flirt" but I don't consider that as equal to "tramp" either. It's another part of Maggie's greater love affair wih the world, really.

We did refer (not in his presence or hers) to one of the little boys at school that she's good pals with as her boyfriend, and also her friend at church--but that stopped as she started getting older and more socially independent. I mean, we also refer to Elmo as her boyfriend! And we do joke about arranged marriages as well, but that's an "among the adults" conversation and joke, not something we say to the kids.

[Fahmi]

Wow. We didn't even think twice about saying that our 11-month old flirts. He loves the world, and is always smiling, and engaging, and trying to interact with everyone - children, bus drivers, store clerks - he wasn't picky. However, from when he was about 9 months old, we've noticed that he ramps up his charming behavior more for certain women. We will be walking down the street, with him in the backpack carrier, when a little girl (kindergarten?) would walk past us on her way to school. He would lean all the way over to the side and try to get her attention. Or in a restaurant, he would be charming and giggling and adorable to all the waiters and waitresses, but he will pick one waitress (usually the prettiest one) and be extra cooey and bouncy whenever she walked past. We encourage his interactions with everyone, but the fact that he goes out of his way to do "more" for certain females, what else can we call it but flirting? But, we never intended it with any meaning other than he was being extra charming, and I am a little surprised at the amount of negative association people here seemed to have. As "Boxing Octopus" said, it's not the same thing when we are talking about children. Is it?

[Heidi]

I don't like it--whatever the sex of the kids involved. I also don't like referring to children's peers of the opposite sex as "girlfriends" or "boyfriends." Aside from the needless sexualization of small children, the oppressive heterosexist bias offends me.

My husband says he remembers being less inclined to play with girls when he was a child because of the romantic/sexual burden placed by adults on these innocent friendships.

[Ellen]

I think the moral of the story is that our babies are learning how to interact with other people in their world- be they peers, or bigger kids, or the dude at the supermarket. I like to say my daughter is simply "making friends" when she gives off a big smile and waves her hands at someone. Even if I recontextualize the words "flirt," and "boyfriend," I still think neither is the message I want to send about how she should learn to be a part of the world at this stage. That's just me.

[Shandra]

I think Ellen summed up my thoughts really well. It's a question of preference for me - if something can be described in terms that aren't applied to romatic/sexual relationships, I'd rather use those.

I sort of feel like our family is more about countering the culture that sexualizes kids early, and that's why I care. It's not that I think the words are damaging just on their own but given the context I feel like we have to lean the other way to achieve some balance.

[Liza]

We had a hard time dealing with this issue at our day care too!

Our son, at 6 months, showed a clear mutual affinity with an 8 month old girl in his classroom. The two of them just loved to look at each other, poke, giggle, etc, far more than either was interested in the other babies.

The teachers made a lot of "boyfriend/girlfriend" comments, once even joking that they were worried about finding the two of them under the bleachers!

As a lesbian mom, I was worried about my discomfort being seen as "a gay thing" or some effort not to let my son be heterosexual. OF COURSE THAT ISN'T IT.

I just want him to 1) have childhood friendships that aren't romanticized or sexualized, and 2) believe that it is possible to be friends with the opposite sex.

I ended up writing a letter to the director asking that friendship behavior and language be modeled for all of the children, and that Noah not be singled out as they addressed this. It seems to have worked.

[kt]

If you're talking about a younger child following around an older child, being wistful for his/her presence, etc, why not say the younger child idolizes the older child? Per dictionary.com idolizing is regarding with blind adoration, devotion, and doesn't have the sexual connotation.

Maybe it doesn't fit some of the relationships people have described here, but it's an alternative....

[Meira]

We often say that my youngest son is "such a flirt" . . . but in my mind it ties more to his actions than to his relationship towards any flirt-ee. Whereas the poster's husband's comments definitely strike me as romantic, which in my mind is ALL WRONG for any kid under, say, 15.
It reminds me of my MIL getting my oldest Valentine's cards and asking if he had a special girl he wanted to give one to -- except that I know in her case, she was also pushing heterosexuality (she's very afraid one of the kids will be gay, since her first husband, their grandfather, is gay). I was pretty annoyed, as their being gay or not is not a concern of mine . . .

[Shelley]

I think it sounds like the poster is more uncomfortable with her husband's attitude than with the actual words.

Is it possible the husband is expressing his discomfort about the idea of his daughter's sexuality, especially in the future, by making these types of remarks?

[(un)relaxeddad]

Hmm. I have a suspicion that if I had a daughter, I'd be open to accusations of double standards over this - I mean, I'm happy to talk about my three year flirting with woman (decidedly older women). Or flight attendants (male and female). Or anyone else, really. Actually, I think I'd probably be ok if my hypothetical daughter did the same at that age (i.e. infanthood). We rigourously (and very publically) manage and control our children's sexuality (and by that I mean their ownership of their gender and their expression of it) and our responses to such an extent as it stands - can't we accommodate a little innocence in this context?

[Diana]

My son is 14 months old today, with a beautiful caramel complexion and bright blue eyes. He is also the biggest flirt I know. I don't qualify that term with anything, because I honestly am disgusted with society if our minds are truly so far in the gutter that we sexualize everything. So now we need a politically correct phrase for "flirt"?

We can't even comprehend that our children are so innocent that the don't know about sex, all they know is about showing positive signals and receiving positive reactions. Isn't this how we all build self esteem?

[Kay]

This exact mentality of ADULTS oversexualizing everything related to children's behaviour is how 5 year olds end up getting accused of sexual harrassment for doing things in which they are just BEING KIDS! And guess what - kids flirt. Kids form attachments - love even. I never once called any of my son's female friends a girlfriend...but he will tell you he has 5 of them. Some are kids, some are my friends, and 1 is usually me or his grandmother. Not one bit of it has to do with sex.

Did I have my skirt pulled up at recess? Yes - we learned to wear shorts under them. Did I have a "boyfriend" in kindergarten? Yes - we used to touch fingers on our mats at nap time. His name was Todd. Did we play kiss-chase all the way through elementary school? Yes, poor Kent Munson was the object of every 8 year old girl's affection. Did I sometimes get teased for being the only girl at boys' birthday parties? Yes, but I learned to stand up for myself and consequently, can hold my own in a "good ole boy" industry. Did I also end up being valedictorian of my high school, go on to earn 2 college degrees and have a career, family and self-worth? Yes.

Good jeebis, I wish the political correctness would just Go. Away. Let people be people and make cutesie comments without reading all sorts of crap into it. Don't we have anything better to do with our time?

If it bothers anyone so much....these can be valuable teaching moments for your child. Well, little Johnny - EVERY person is your friend. Some are girls, some are boys. It's important to be kind and nice to ALL people. You can call her/him your "special" friend.

Kate, above, did a fine job of explaining to her neighbors/friends why their comments were not appropriate to her child. I applaud that!

I would be far more inclined to be concerned if it was the dad or another adult calling the child his/her boyfriend/girlfriend. THAT is the inappropriate oversexualization of children - making them objects of adult sexual attraction.

Kay - Mom to flirts Jake (age 4) who will always flirt with the prettiest ladies and Anna Kathryn (age 13.5 months) who will flirt with everyone.

[a]

v. intr.

1. To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures.
2. To deal playfully, triflingly, or superficially with: flirt with danger.
3. To move abruptly or jerkily.

I personally use it with the beginning definition on number two when dealing with my toddler.

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