Shruti (again with the beautiful names) writes:
"My 2 year old has been in daycare for a little over 2 months. The first two months she really seemed to enjoy it, but strangely, after the Thanksgiving break, she doesn't seem to want to go there, won't eat all day and won't play with any of the kids. Her daycare center is one of the best, so it can't be that. What could have triggered this and what can I do to help her overcome this?"
Well, my first thought was (let's all say it together now), "Did anything happen that changed her caregivers?" I also wondered if something could have happened over the holiday to make her scared and sad. But no. Here was Shruti's reply:
"No, the staff hasn't changed. She was with us mostly and some family on Thankgiving day. I've been noticing that some of the kids are a little aggressive and push other children. Her teachers tell me that while she does complain about being pushed, she doesn't proactively do anything about it such as defending herself. And that she has been isolating herself to one corner of the classroom and doesn't want to interact with the other children. I'm wondering whether her aggressive classmates and/or her submissive personality has caused her to lose her confidence. Or is it just one of those toddler ups and downs and a matter of time before she becomes her usual self."
I think she might be out of the honeymoon phase and the reality of the challenges of being around other kids all day may be setting in. Going to a new caregiving situation is a lot like moving to a foreign country. At first you're excited ("Mmmm! Real tacos! And so fresh! Right outside my front door! And look how hot all these men are!") but then at a certain point reality sets in ("Why can't I get a Dr. Pepper in this country? And my head is going to explode if I have to think in Spanish for one more minute!"). And kids can't know how the process is supposed to go, and they have no way of verbalizing it all.
It seems to me that with loving support and consistent routines at home, she'll start to ease into daycare more and more until she doesn't even really notice it anymore (like the point at which you wake up and realize you've been dreaming in a foreign language). You should also work with her on appropriate responses to kids who are more aggressive than she is. The problem with 2-year-olds is that they have little impulse control and can't rely on their verbal skills to negotiate with other kids. You can remind her that kids who hurt her aren't doing it to be mean, but just because they don't know any better. Help her learn to walk away or stand up for herself and to call an adult for help if she's being pushed or hit. Eventually she'll be able to avoid the kids who are always looking for trouble while standing up for herself successfully with the other kids.
(Since I'm a SAHM, this question and all the other recent ones about hitting and pushing at daycare are making me realize how much easier it is to deal with only one or two kids in a hitting/pushing situation. When you only have your own to deal with, you either skulk away home and think about how horrible the other mothers are, or you skulk away home and obsess about how the other mothers must all think you're so horrible. It must be really, really stressful to have to referee between all the pushers and the pushees all day long.)
Does anyone else have any tips to help Shruti's daughter have a better time at daycare?
hmmm...based on anecdote, I would say it hasn't actually been too long for this to be a reaction to the start, in which case it will probably work itself out. When I transitioned Mouse from a small homecare to a center at 18 months, she was very very good for the first 2 or 3 weeks...and then there started being nap issues and eating issues, which lasted a few weeks. I think Moxie's right on about the move to a new country thing--all well and good with it until the realization sets in that this is permanent, then they act up for a while.
Shruti, you say the center is one of the best and I bet you did a lot of work finding it--hopefully the teachers will be open to some suggestions and working with you on it. Some of my thoughts are:
-they say she's withdrawing and not playing with the kids. what do the teachers do when this happens? If they have a good ratio for this age, someone should be able to go engage her one-on-one at least part of the time. That will help her build attachments with the adults there, which in turn should help her feel more comfortable.
-there will be a certain amount of pushing and shoving, but the teachers should be managing it, and redirecting it as much possible. And certainly any hitting or biting should be getting an immediate response. (At our current place it's separating the children, removing the aggressor from the activity if there clearly was an aggressor, and encouraging them to hug to make up if/when they're ready.) Teachers are usually great at responding because they're neutral parties and don't have a guilt response at all. (That's the upside, Moxie--it's not you that has to do all the negotiating!)
-if it's a mixed-age situation, it may help your daughter to understand generally which kids are old enough to know better--she may find it frustrating too, but more knowledge can help. If she's getting pounced on by a bumptious 16-month-old, it may help to know that they don't really mean it...if we're talking about a 3-year-old and it's a daily occurrence, the teachers really really need to be doing something about that because that kid should know better.
In general, I think you should expect more from the teachers than just a report that this is happening. If your daughter isn't defending herself, she can certainly learn to do so--you can start by making sure she knows it's OK to say "no, stop it" loudly to any unwanted touching (a good skill to learn anyway)--but until she's more comfortable doing that the teachers have a responsibility to defend her. If the ratio is 3-4 toddlers to one teacher (which it hopefully is!) they should have time to do that. Where Mouse goes it's 10 18-to-33 month olds and there are always 3 teachers, plus a floater coming in and out as needed. They're able to pay close attention to this stuff at that ratio.
See if you can make allies of the teachers...and at the same time, make sure you keep your chin up when you drop her off--follow your routine, be cheerful, let her know that YOU are comfortable with this. Hang in there!
Posted by: Charisse | December 20, 2006 at 01:25 PM
We experienced something like this with Maggie (she just turned two). She just goes to a "school"/daycare type thing two mornings a week because I am a work-at-home mom, but not full time. She started this past summer and got over separation anxiety VERY quickly, and seemed to love it. Hugs her teachers and other kids spontaneously and everything. Then, out of nowhere, she started having a horrible time every morning, screaming and crying and freaking right out whenever we left, and even pitching fits when we'd be getting her ready to go. We asked the teachers if they had any idea what was going on, and they said it was just pretty typical for kids to do this occasionally. That they'd be fine, then freak, then shortly be fine again.
This might sound silly, but here's what we did. One morning, as she was sobbing about the fact we were en route to school, I explained to her that we know it's hard to be away from home, and her Daddy and I love her very much and we love to be with her, but we both need to work sometimes and we want her to be in a place where she can learn things we can't teach her--that her teachers know songs and games that we don't, and they have books we don't, etc. And that we were glad she had such nice friends there to play with and that we love to see her have fun with them. And that we would always be right there to get her after lunch time and hear about the songs and games she learned.
I don't know if it was just coincidence or if that helped her in some way, but she's been pretty much fine since then.
As far as the isolating herself, I have noticed even my little Jane Friendly does the same. And she is NOT a quiet or submissive kid. I asked her teacher about it and she said that's absolutely typical and normal for this age and that she does join the other kids often enough. I really only notice her hanging out with one little guy her own age and some of the older girls, and she does seem well liked (other kids greet her and say goodbye and even greet me when I come in --"Hi, Maggie's mommy!"). Maybe keep an eye out for that? And definetely ask the teachers to help draw her out, if they aren't doing that already.
Also, did you travel at Thanksgiving or were one or both of you off from work for awhile? Maggie's little meltdowns happened after a period where my husband had a few days off work, and when we traveled at Thanksgiving school was fine but bedtimes OHMY GOD the horror. I'm finding she is like her mama--she likes her routine and feels out of sorts if it's disrupted, no matter how much fun she might be having at my brother's house or whatever.
Ahhh, two year olds--confounding little creatures, aren't they?
Posted by: AmyinMotown | December 20, 2006 at 02:08 PM
Everything the other folks are saying about 2 year olds and a new daycare situation rings 100% true with me. We switched Jamie from a home daycare to a center a couple of months ago (two weeks after he had his tonsils out and then two weeks after he started I was gone for my first business trip -fun!) and while our honeymoon period was short ( a matter of days) and now at two months we're finally rounding the corner, I don't doubt that for some kids the pattern is exactly the way Shruti is describing. And we definitely experienced a brief setback after the Thanksgiving break, and I guess even "old-timers" in Jamie's room had trouble going back after so many days at home with mom and dad.
However, this has my hackles up a bit:
"I've been noticing that some of the kids are a little aggressive and push other children. Her teachers tell me that while she does complain about being pushed, she doesn't proactively do anything about it such as defending herself."
Maybe this is a first-time overprotective mom talking, but the idea that her two-year old defending HERSELF is even part of the conversation bugs me. Really, really bugs me. What do they mean by being proactive? By self-defense? Do they mean she needs to learn to say, "no, don't do that?" That's one thing. But if the aggressive behavior is causing her to isolate herself constantly, IMO, the teacher needs to get in there and help the daughter negotiate the situation. Even if it's a matter of, when her daughter complains, getting in there and asking her what she thinks she can do about the agressive behavior - say stop, walk away, etc.
Again, maybe I'm overreatcting, and I know Jamie hung off by himself the first couple of weeks he started at the new place and it broke my heart to see it, but I also know his providers had their eye on the situation and that he didn't have to deal with being roughed up by other kids.
I think Charisse said what I'm trying to say - "-there will be a certain amount of pushing and shoving, but the teachers should be managing it, and redirecting it as much possible."
And I'm not hearing that. Maybe it's happening and the op just didn't mention it, but I'd ask more questions if it was me.
Posted by: Ally | December 20, 2006 at 02:41 PM
"Her teachers tell me that while she does complain about being pushed, she doesn't proactively do anything about it such as defending herself"
I'm curious what they'd like her to do. As the previous poster (Ally) said - that raises my hackles. (And Ally, one other thing - I have three kids and it raised my hackles too - you're not an overprotective first time mom!)
At this point if it were me, I'd be "proactive" in discussing with the teachers an appropriate response to the bullying.
Good luck!
Posted by: Gretchen | December 20, 2006 at 02:58 PM
Four kids, and hackles up here, too. PLUS being a montessori-school mom (that is, more observation, less intervention at times than you'd sometimes expect - and more at other times, seems to work).
The other thing I'd question is whether any of the OTHER kids had a challenging vacation.
My oldest started hating school all of a sudden, also after a break. In fairly short order, I discovered that he was being bullied, directly picked on, and physically (and VERY sneakily) hurt. Yeah, I hit the ceiling. And they handled it beautifully (Gabe came home and smugly reported the other child had 'new rules' and had to play with a teacher at his side at recess now).
Okay, problem solved. School became fun again. The other child and my son were usually moderately good friends, and eventually went back to being friends.
Fast forward to the following year. After the same break. Repeat of bullying, escalated to violence on the first instance, a slightly different throw would have cost Gabe his eye. (he still has a smidge of a scar between his eyes, years later.) The other child was not in school for a week (we aren't given details of what actions were taken in the other family, but that was indicative of 'serious' action, to me). The other kid eventually went back to being friends with Gabe again, too. He changed schools the following year, so no third data point, which is just peachy with me!
The point being that the problem was not a change for MY child, but for another during break. I presume something with the vacation caregiver, or custody, or some such. But something hurt, and he took it out on his friends, hard. The first sign of the other child having an issue was Gabe having an issue. The other child was very very astute about timing of pushing, hitting, taunting, etc., and while the teachers were all very well-trained observers, not ONE saw the incidents occur until someone was assigned to watch that child 100% and no other child at all.
Extreme example (most of the time, the difference will be slight), but it could easily be another child having a problem that is setting off the situation for your child. Even if another child is just upset at drop-off that wasn't before, that can really make for a bad experience for a sensitive child. Say, someone she admired or looked up to is now struggling with drop-off for reasons of his/her own. At 2, they're starting to be able to say 'hey, if they're upset, maybe I should be, too!'
The answer may well be the same, regardless - coach your daughter, support her, listen to her, be honest with her, keep things as stable as possible yourself, make sure the teachers and you are collaborating on ways to help out, etc.
Posted by: hedra | December 20, 2006 at 03:42 PM
This post is excellent, Moxie, and so are the comments. We especially agree with two things: 1. Disruption in routine throws everyone off and tends to make our two year old feel vulnerable, even if it was a positive disruption. and 2. No two year old should be expected to negotiate an agressive and/or hurtful situation alone- even we would go so far as to say heavy support is necessary- they just don't have the skills to handle it. The aggressor also needs help and support. It is as hard to learn to apologize as it is to accept an apology.
Hedra really said something that struck a chord with us- we have a problem with our son becoming upset when another child is either entirely unrelatedly upset, or if another child is agressive. In the former case, he will begin to cry and ask for mommy, and in the latter he literally shuts down- lays on the floor and puts his head down. We tried "preschool", which was really three hours a week and set up as a playgroup in a nursery school class. He would not warm up to the situation at all- the first few weeks everyone cried and he continued to cry long after everyone stopped. We did everything we could think of to ease the situation and to work with the teachers, but eventually we decided he was just not ready. This concerns us because I am a SAHM only temporarily until I have to return to work next fall. He has never been in a daycare situation, but we have had an occasional babysitter. I joined a local moms club and have been trying to go to the outings to give him some socialization experience. The last was such a disaster that I am so hesitant to try again. He shuts down if someone takes a toy, or pushes him, and asks to "go home please mommy." repeatedly. I've done lots of mommy and me type activities, so that he has had my support at most activities- swim, music, gym, etc. He is fine as long as I am there, but now that he is really at an age where the children interact more rather than just parallel play, he is hesitant and even insisistant on leaving. We play outside in the summer all day with friends and neighbors of various ages, and he has been fine in those situations. The only thing we can think of is the first time we went to a mom's event he approached a little girl playing and she screamed at him and hit him immediately. He cried his heart out and asked to go home- we didn't of course, but he could not be coaxed into playing again with anyone but me.
I am very sorry to take up all of your posting time and space. We would like gentle advice, and perhaps some insight as to what we have done wrong, and how to make it right. Is this a normal stage? He is a very happy, smart little boy, extremely kind, and loves to play with his cousins and other "safe' bets we see occasionally. But when I return to work, we feel he is going to take it extremely hard. Oh, and I should mention that we have a new baby, and the preschool entrance did directly coincide with her arrival. I was asked to stand in the classroom with my newborn for four weeks but not interact with him at all. This did not work. Any other ideas?
Posted by: callie | December 20, 2006 at 11:04 PM
Callie, your poor son!
I have a few suggestions, I'm sure others will have more:
1) Buy the book 'the highly sensitive child'. Your son sounds like he has very well-tuned emotional processing/empathy. He likely finds it hard to separate his feelings from others. Think not just thin-skinned, but NO skin, there. This book was really useful just to get a grasp of why my oldest would respond the way he did. It also highlighted that he had some sensory integration issues that could use some support. We eventually had him tested for sensory integration, as well as his younger brother, and there were some physical things that we could do to help. Many of which, by the way, were things they did obsessively that drove us NUTS and we were always trying to stop. Learning that these were his/their way of processing overwhelming sensations/feelings allowed us to find ways to meet those needs more effectively, have patience with the need, be able to explain to teachers what would help (!!!), and gave the teachers a foundation for noting improvements and managing the issues better. We also can tell when there's an unprocessed input ourselves, because the bouncing gets out of control. The exact signs for your son likely will be unique to him, but this book may really shed some light on that.
2) Anxiety is a real issue. Social anxiety is not unheard of at all at this age. My daughter Meriel has social anxiety to the level that she was displaying signs of selective mutism (not speaking to adults, including her teachers, whom she does like rather a lot). Anxiety can come out in various ways. Books that helped me with my oldest (also anxiety-prone, based on the other issues and experiences), were 'Your Anxious Child' and 'Helping Your Anxious Child'. Maybe check out from the library - if you're looking for mistakes you've made by accident as a parent, these may pick those up pretty quickly, and they're generally not too hard to fix. (One of our big mistakes was catastrophizing - 'don't run in the street, you'll get hit by a car and die', etc. A sensitive child with a good imagination learns quickly to ONLY imagine the worst possible case, and then they end up in a world where they're constantly dodging disasters. Perfect recipe for anxiety! We had to re-train him and ourselves to think up and present multiple possible outcomes for any incident, good, bad, funny, silly, impossible, probable. Once many paths became possible, the lock-in on the worst-case stopped, and it became clear that OUR actions could change the path as well. We still play 'what if?' games for anything that seems 'risky' to our kids. It can be really fun to do!)
3) Siblings without Rivalry (another book, yes). Just knowing how to phrase things to the older child so it doesn't end up denying their feelings makes a huge difference in how lonely being 'replaced' feels. ONE good interaction with me, where I joined him in being frustrated, angry, lonely, sad, and cranky over the limitations imposed by a new baby, and Gabe went from being 'cutesie-overly-lovie and acting out' to GENUINELY loving and also openly annoyed, complete with zero acting out. He went from emotional suppression and faking it to just being real in about 3 minutes. Okay, he was 4, but it may well help at 2, also (the book is aimed older, but you can apply it creatively with younger, too).
4) SHAME on the daycare! Having you NOT interact? Okay, exactly how is that supposed to help? Mommy's here, but she's inaccessible, frozen, non-responsive? Um. Yeah. Our daycare(s) have encouraged us to stay and be INVOLVED with our kids, enjoy the space, play with the toys, be real and alive and present. If the kids want to sit on our laps the whole time, so be it. If it takes 2 hours for our child to get comfy, okay, it takes 2 hours. Each child is different. Yes, most kids just deal if the parents do a quick, positive drop-off and just go, but that's mainly because most parents stay because they're feeling anxious themselves, and that makes the child more anxious. If you just stay because you're staying, that can also work. Staying while being emotionally unavailable, that's just scary. You may find that a Montessori (real/certfied) program will be a better fit for an emotionally sensitive child. They're very well trained to observe and respond to the child, above what typical teaching degrees offer.
5) My current harping-on issue, since it is new to me, and seems so darn obvious now. Meriel (my highly anxious, selectively mute child) had a 180-degree turnaround after a diet change. We cut out all juice (ALL), and cut out high-fructose and high-sorbitol foods, plus foods that have more fructose than glucose. Why? Because if they're not digesting fructose well, it can cause depression and anxiety. THREE days after we instituted the 'no apples, no applesauce, no peaches, no pears, no dried fruit, no raisins, no high fructose corn syrup' approach, and she was Chatty Kathy at school, started asking for cuddles from the teachers, started asking me for help at home (before, needing help would just paralyze her, she's just shut down, lie down or crumple, and look dazed or frozen), etc. Some kids are okay with the high-fructose corn syrup, others are not, but generally the amount of it in our diets is too high for 1/3 the typical population, and more than that portion in kids 1-3 years old (lowest fructose tolerance is at that age). Half the people who have the intolerance (dietary fructose intolerance or fructose malabsorption, NOT hereditary fructose intolerance which is different), also DO NOT have any physical symptoms (diarrhea, gastric pain, gas, etc.). The other half have one or more symptoms. Meriel doesn't have strong GI symptoms (except with raisins), but talk about 90% better with just a diet change! WOO! (a bit of apple, and she reverted to panic-mode, so we're pretty certain that's it.) Sucrose (table sugar) is fine, diet sugars are BAD (especially the '-ol' sweeteners), and no there isn't an enzyme pill they can take to solve the problem. (My second son is going in for formal testing of fructose intolerance tomorrow.)
I work, and it has always been a challenge to make sure the situation is 'right' for my kids. A home daycare with mixed ages and not too many kids, with a daycare provider who was well-attuned to the kids (I could see that just by watching her with them, and them with her), who responded to the individuals with their individual needs, that was the best choice for us early on. Later, she suggested Montessori for our kids, and we did that. Not cheap, I'll admit (for certified schools, anyway), but I love the results. Check the school individually, though - they can vary wildly in quality.
Good luck!
Posted by: hedra | December 21, 2006 at 08:48 AM
I just wanted to suggest that maybe Shruti or her could go in for a morning and see how the teachers are interacting with the kids?
Also, maybe one of the kids her daughter liked left?
Also, I fifth that it is the TEACHERS who should be more proactive, not the 2 year old!!!
Posted by: liz | December 21, 2006 at 12:51 PM
Hedra, thank you. Your responses are always incredible, and I always read the comments in part to hear your take on things. You are very attuned to your children's needs.
Regarding our son, we have felt and do feel that he is a highly sensitive child. He was the infant who was sensitive to noise, to schedule changes, to company, even to darkness/light in some cases. It wasn't until we had our daughter a few months ago that I realized the depth of sensitivity he has- the comparison is extreme, and until now I thought in part I was often just being a 'highly sensitive first time mother.'
Social anxiety- how interesting. Especially interesting is the selective muteness you mentioned- he does not always respond to other adults in social situations- even my parents, who he loves and is very familiar with. He will talk about them as much as the day is long while we aren't visiting, and then when we finally see them he has no response, jus clams up. I am so tired of apologizing to people when he won't respond because their feelings are hurt. I also am wondering if the gentle coaxing I am doing is hurting him- I have just recently begun to just ignore it and let him handle it the way he needs to. What is particulary painful to us is (knowing the effort it takes him to reach out) watching him shut down when he does solicit response from others- especially other children. Older children especially can blatently ignore him when he cocks his head and speaks to them, and these are the people he most reaches out to. As I said before if he encounters a difficult social situation with peers- someone taking a toy away or yelling at him, (once a friend was kicking him in the wagon and until I realized why he was hiding his head and straining away from the other child and whispering "home" I had no idea why he was acting this way. The other mother thought it was bizzare.) he literally shuts down, curls into a ball and hides his head or face. He will not hit back (tg), but nor will he ignore the behavior, ask for help, yell no, or even sometimes cry openly so I know something is wrong. I have to really try hard to figure out what happened. I've tried role playing with him- sharing, fighting, etc. but he will not apply this to his peers- he simply lets them take the toy, or yell, or whatever toddlers do, and then lays on the floor or hides his face.
We agree the preschool was not the right one for us. The teacher's theory was that he needed to be able to socialize and learn to interact without my prodding- that my prescence was enough so that they could establish authority and a relationship with him while I slowly removed myself from the situation. It was however, impossible to ignore him if he asked my assistance or reached out to show me something, etc. I probably annoyed them to no end, but I tried to remain as respectful as I could to their wishes while still satisfying my own instincts to help him understand that I was there for him. We just stopped going, it became too difficult and he wasn't progressing in this environment.
I feel I have a good care situation lined up for him when I return to work- a neighbor has a home daycare and she is a familiar person in our lives- I also take him to play there occasionally. If I leave him there though, he walks around covering his ears and calling "mama where are you?" until I return. If someone else gets upset for any reason, he just really gets hysterical.
To make matters worse, our extended family's opinions amount to critisism that he just has had "too much mommy". So up to this point I have just been feeling extremely guilty for being so close/responsive with him, and my husband feels he needs more social experience. What I have worked out is to care for a few carefully selected children in my home until I return to work- to give him the scaffolded support of my prescence. We will see how this works.
I have read Siblings Without Rivalry, and am very cognizant of how I introduced the idea of the baby and all along the way since then. I agree that there should be no pressure to "love" the new baby or to help with her care, and I have also tried to avoid putting him in the role of the good responsible big brother (although that is nearly all anyone else ever says to him!). Therefore, I feel he has adjusted fairly well to the new baby, and our relationship is still very close and honest. He is slowly warming up to her on his own terms.
Montessori is something we have already looked into. If we can afford it at some point we would like to transition him there from the home daycare until first grade. I have always agreed with the premise of open self-directed learning and the beleif that play is children's work. Interestingly,we feel it will suit our son as you mentioned.
The fructose issue is something I will definately look into.
Hedra, in your experience, do you feel that this is something the child comes by naturally, or is it somehow learned behavior? I want to give him coping skills but don't know where to start. I will read the book you mentioned. As far as the catastrophic response goes, I have always treid to downplay most situations because I am so aware of how sensitive he is to my reaction. What else could I be doing wrong?
Thank you so very much for your help and advice. And Moxie, forgive me again for taking up so much of your posting space.
Posted by: callie | December 21, 2006 at 03:04 PM
Callie, you really described Meriel very well, there - so like your son.
She won't cry, reach for me, ask for help, even if she's distraught. Even in a very familiar and loved situation (school!), if something is wrong, she'll just freeze up and shut down. Even with her twin there.
Is it natural? YES. This is their function. At this level, you are doing EVERYTHING right. Let me repeat that. YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT. (the one thing you had been doing 'wrong' was encouraging him to communicate verbally, but you've already seen that isn't working.)
Your child has what I wincingly call 'special needs' - but that is the truth. Whether it is dietary, or just that he has a very high production of stress hormones (notably, children who were small at birth tend to have high natural stress hormone production - which may be another reason why first kids are more anxious!), we don't yet know. But he needs something different than typical kids need. So, special needs. Think of it in terms of highly gifted in perception, but lacking any skills at filtering, especially at this age.
You can experiment with the diet, and see how much it helps. It may help a lot, or not at all, or some.
I'd also recommend that you contact Early Intervention in your state (presuming you are in the US). This is a federal program that screens children for developmental, cognitive, speech, etc., issues, and gets early intervention in place. Hence the name. Usually low or no cost for services, and almost always no cost for assessment. State social services will have the contact info. Meriel qualified for services, and will have both physical therapy (gross motor delay due to a physical issue with her legs) and psychologist home visits, to help us come up with effective strategies for helping her cope with stress. She may end up seeing a specialist, or may not, since she's suddenly chatty kathy with the diet change.
I also highly recommend you look up selective mutism online. This disorder is twice as common as autism (!!) but is only just starting to be understood. It is a specific form of social anxiety, and it is NOT shyness (they can't talk even with people they're comfortable with, if there is any pressure, presumption of pressure, expectations, pauses waiting for them to speak, etc.).
Pressure makes it worse. Go to some of the .org type sites for Selective Mutism, and print out the handouts, and give them to everyone he interacts with, including the doctor.
With a great deal of NO pressure to communicate verbally, Meriel gradually (over 2 months) got to where she would say 'No' to her teachers, in a whisper. But diet was a real issue for her, as well. Changed that, and it was like a switch - she can now ask for help, etc., as I mentioned. She's still more of a 'highly sensitive child' than any of my others (eek!), but the diagnosis of fructose intolerance really makes a difference (remember that it is VERY common, just not well known!).
The thing that really socked me in the gut with Meriel (and was really obvious at her assessment with EI), was that she was utterly unable to reach for me, cry out, express her fear so that I could help. She couldn't even turn to me, hide behind my legs, cling, whimper. She just sat there, like a doll, face blank, hands limp. Outwardly, it seemed she was 'okay' - she wasn't crying or freaking out. But this, to me, is far more horrible. I knew that she was screaming and crying inside, but could not make the sound or motion required to communicate that. :( Holding her on my lap, she eventually warmed up enough that they could get her to move, but they were unable to complete the assessment because she could not speak, and when pressed on anything, she locked up again. Heartbreaking.
Feel free to ping me offline, to discuss further. I'd have pinged you that way, but since this is SUCH a common and misunderstood issue, I wanted to make sure it was really out here.
Also, FYI, if you get it handled before he's 3, you'll be in the rocket-scientist-parenting seat. Most kids with SM aren't diagnosed until at least 3, and often not until K or 1st grade. Early start, early management, much faster improvement. Just by continuing to ask questions and look for answers, you're headed to the top of the class. So pat yourself on the back. (Hey, it took me ages to figure out the problem, myself, and it was just parental networking that did it - knowing someone whose child has SM, and then putting the bits together, talking to her, knowing about EI due to another mom and having done it with my older son, etc., etc.)
Thanks, Moxie, for having another way for parents to network about the issues/problems/challenges. This is how we encounter the information so many of us need (and often didn't realize we needed until we saw it).
Posted by: hedra | December 21, 2006 at 04:11 PM
Oh, and allow me to smack you family, too. Too much mommy? Um, no. This is not a spoiled child. SM kids are often misdiganosed as spoiled, oppositional/defiant, etc., because they 'will' not do what they are asked to do. But now that adults who had this as a child are speaking out, and people are studying it more, they find that they could be trying intensely to speak, and they cannot make the sounds come out.
Our doctor said that most parents will cave under that pressure, stop looking to the child to see what the child is saying, and start listening to bystanders who do not know the child as well. Again, congratulate yourself - you've been doing it right. It is just currently outside your skill and knowledge to manage better than this. It is outside MY skill and knowledge, too (the first psych home visit isn't until next month!). This is why I get an expert in, so I can learn. But you're still the expert on your child, and the closeness you've given him may be all that has kept him from developing much bigger problems.
Posted by: hedra | December 21, 2006 at 04:25 PM
Hedra,
I don't know whether to hug you or cry. Thank you so much.
Please file my home email address to let me know how the home visit went. I have a lot of work to do now for our son, so I'll keep you updated. I also might need a push, becasue I already know I am going to get lots of resistance both at home and with extended family. I would also love bury my head in the sand and hope this works itself out.
Sincerely,
Callie
Posted by: callie | December 21, 2006 at 04:34 PM
Start with the printouts from the websites. For home, just put them in the bathroom, and remove all other reading material. Amazing what guys will read if they don't have something 'better'... ;)
Hang in there!
Posted by: hedra | December 21, 2006 at 04:52 PM
Thank you everyone for your coenmmts, even the ones that are trying to show me a different viewpoint.Alyson is Bryce's teacher. And we spoke last night. I see what she is saying that the library isn't MEANT to be a time-out, but that is how Rylie (and possibly the other children with separation anxiety) are perceiving it. Of course she is going to do what she is told if she is asked to go sit over there, but just because she does it, doesn't mean it isn't against her will. From what I know, she usually follows directions at school, and that is just another direction she follows.What it all boils down to is that if Rylie perceives sitting in the library as punishment for crying, it isn't good for her. She shouldn't have anxiety about it while we're driving to school, and no two year old should have to try to build themselves up to stifle an emotion that they can't control. I am very emotional and those that know me personally know that I can NEVER control my tears. Unfortunately, I think Rylie is going to be emotional just like I am. I wish that weren't the case and I'm sorry for her that it is.I am definitely open to suggestions on how to "fix" this issue, and I appreciate the ones I have been given. I have been emailing back and forth with one blogger in particular and she is really giving me some great ideas.As always, thank you for your coenmmts and keep them coming. I just don't want this to turn into a pissing match between a bunch of people that love Rylie...just maybe in different ways.
Posted by: Rive | July 27, 2012 at 05:06 PM
" bullshit. You don't care what reeasrch says. You're upset. Rylie's upset. They need to calm your fears and concerns first.As for my recommendation, I was able to reduce the separation anxiety a bit by spending a little one-on-one time with my daughter in the mornings before we left for daycare, just connecting and helping her feel strong and secure. On mornings when she is needing hugs once we get there, I tell her I can hug for two minutes. Then we snuggle (I'm either holding her as I stand or I sit in a chair with her on my lap). I point out the things in the room she'll have fun doing today. Then I'll give a one minute warning, then I have to get up and go. There have been a couple of days that she's been in hysterics, but because it isn't all the time I try not to worry about it much. I'll call when I get to work 15 minutes later and all's fine. But if this library time out crap keeps up, I'd find a new place if I were you for the simple fact that you've expressed your preference that they not do it and if they continue it is a disrespect to you and Rylie and Rylie (and you) deserve to be respected.Hope this helps some and sorry to take a week to write in.
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