I'm Stuck

Hi everyone. I'm a little stuck right now. I think the reason is that I'm just so distraught about James Kim. I can't seem to stop crying about him, and for his wife and little girls. Dutch's beautiful elegy for him is here.

I'm also trying to organize my thoughts. I've been getting a bunch of questions about the upcoming holidays, and think maybe I should just do a massive, 2-day blitz of holiday-related questions. Here's what I've got so far (add more in the comments if you want to talk about them):

• The Santa problem (Do you do Santa or not? Religious Christians and Santa, Jewish people and Santa? How to tell your kids there's no Santa. What to tell kids about all the Santas on the street.)
• Gift overload/inappropriate gifts.
• Dealing with stress and inappropriate expectations of your kids during holiday celebrations.
• Dealing with Christmas trees and toddlers.
• What happened to the kid who licked the pole in The Christmas Story.

As you can see, the list is skewed toward Christmas-related questions, but I'm happy to take other holiday (Solstice, Hanukkah, Eid, Kwanzaa, Festivus, etc.) questions to make it a true Holiday post. If I don't know the answers, I'll just throw it out here to the crowd.

Also, if you've covered any of those topics on your own blog, send or comment the post to me and I'll put it up with the big mega-holiday blow-out next week.

Comments

[katre]

I was sort of vaguely following the Kim story, and on Wednesday, it just hit me so hard when the news came out.

Really, it's every parent's horror story: if that happened to me, would I be that strong? Could I take care of my kids? Would I have the courage to leave and try to get help?

I hope I never learn the answers to those questions, but just thinking about them, it's powerful stuff.

[Amy]

I've been obsessed with the Kim story too. I just can't fathom having to make the decisions he and his wife had to make. My heart goes out to them.

Looking forward to the "present overload" post. My mother thinks that the way to make up for her own deprived childhood is to shower my children with EVERY gift they request regardless of the appropriateness, my wishes, etc. Example: I hate guns and don't even allow my kids to have toy (water or otherwise) guns in the house. So naturally, my mother bought 6.5 yr old son a Star Wars blaster b/c he asked for it and "it's not really a gun". Oh, and then there are the Lego sets for 14yrs and up they bought him. He's 6.5!!!! (okay, end of rant)

[laury]

I'd love to have some thoughts on guns as toys/ games in which kids play-shoot/attack/kill each other. Like, what rules do you make ? what's ok?

[Sarah]

How about: assuming you decide to raise your kid knowing that Santa is imaginary, how can you keep your kid from being the kid who blows it for the other kids whose parents are doing the "Santa is real" thing? Gah.

[Erin]

I don't know how many times my one year old has been hugged (clutched, really) since James Kim's death was announced. We've just had to stop talking about it in my home.

Looking forward to a possible post on toddlers and Christmas trees. Someone suggested hanging it upside down from the ceiling. I'm not sure I'm quite up for that.

[Deirdre]

How about: If all you've ever said about Santa is that some people like to "pretend Santa" but your preschooler decides he's real anyway.

Or, regarding James Kim: What do you say when your preschooler asks why you're choking back tears or cursing the universe at random times throughout the day?

[Phc]

Same with me on the Kim story. I promised myself no crying today, but I have already failed miserably. I've found the computer (that is, sitting in front of it) makes it worse. Getting away from it helps me.

[iheartnewyork]

My heart's breaking too for the Kim family. It seems like something that could happen so easily to any family on a roadtrip. Tragic.

I would love to read your point of view on the whole Santa thing -- we fall in the "3/4 of our family unit is Jewish and some Christian relatives insist on Santa" camp. Help!

[Marie]

My husband and kids are getting lots of hugs too. My heart really aches for the Kim family.

My father-in-law developed this method for preventing the Christmas tree from being pulled over. Screw two small "eyes" into the wall behind the tree on each side of the tree. Ours are about 6 ft high - we have an 8 ft tree. Run a piece of heavy twine (my husband actually found dark green twine!)from one eye to the tree, around the trunk and over to the other eye. Tie the twine to both eyes with good knots and keep the twine taut (but not pulling the tree over.) Our tree is close enough to the wall behind it to prevent our preschooler from getting through. So the tree hasn't yet been pulled over, but it doesn't prevent the baby from trying to eat ornaments or pine needles!

[hedra]

RE: The Kims... this is a question that does not stop coming up. The world is a painful place, and now that I have kids, my skin is off. There is no difference between that mother and myself. Those children are my children. Their pain is mine, even though I cannot possibly grasp the true depth of it. Kids in Iraq, the Kims, kids in Africa, kids down the street. My skin is off.

Do I want to harden my heart over the mistakes made (for reference, never leave the car to seek aid - hypothermia makes people do stupid things that get them in worse trouble), and the horrible losses felt by other families? No. That wouldn't be true to myself as a mother.

This brings me back to a painful but very useful lesson I learned a few years back. Painful powerful awful feelings need to be treated with love. Fight them, try to push them away, and like children, they will cry louder, scream, steal your attention and focus. But love them, hold them to your heart, and they will eventually grow quiet and go to sleep.

This is a lesson I learned from a man with terminal cancer, who passed it to another man with the same cancer, who wrote an article about how to deal with the anger. Love it, hug it to your heart, rock it like a child, and it will give you peace. Fight it, push it away, deny it, and it will cling to you, follow you from room to room, and make your life unbearable.

So, when it hurts, cry. Open your heart to the pain, and welcome what it says about you that you refuse to harden yourself. Hold that pain with as much love as you can muster. Welcome the compassion that is the door through which that arrow flew into your flesh. When I stop fighting it, I find that unknown man was right - the pain eases a bit, and I find a measure of peace.

***

As for Seasons questions, things for which I have no ready answers:

1) How to deal with the child who used to not believe in santa (said at 2 that Santa was just 'pe-tend, but good pe-tend'), but now believes fully and concretely (thought I'd dodged that!).

2) How to get kids to willingly give away/sell/otherwise reduce their toy clutter, without violating their sense of ownership. They want to give, just not that, and not that one either, and definitely not that, and OOOH, I haven't seen that one in ages, I missed it! Sigh.

As for the inappropriate gifts/overgiving thing, the solution for us was family counseling. Big blowup in DH's family, lots of hurt feelings coming to the surface, did family counseling (one session so far), and MAN, suddenly when we said 'can we PLEASE not have 15 presents each for the kids, maybe 4 or 5?' the answer wasn't 'but but but', and instead was 'well, you know it was kind of overwhelming for us, too, so yeah, let's be sane from now on!' Not that I recommend a blowup, but sometimes just getting everyone to get very serious and speak their minds all at once may help. Harder if someone disagrees, though.

And for Santa, we're Quaker/Pagan, and see Santa as an American cultural icon (along with all the carols/songs/lights/trees, etc.), not a religious one. No problem keeping them separate, for us. We do that, we don't BELIEVE that. Hmm. Maybe that's where I need to go with Mr. Santa-is-real, too, huh? Answered my own question! :)

[Cat, Galloping]

I can't stop thinking about them either. Horrible things happen every day-- can't figure out why this one has hit me so much harder than most. I guess it's so easy to imagine myself in that situation.

[Hillary]

Our kids know that Santa brings them one gift each year. We try to remind them to be good kids every day, and not just for Santa.
All the "Santa's" on the street are playing dressup.

This helps downplay the Santa idea, while not spoiling it for other kids by telling them the truth.

But try as I may, they are still overloaded with gifts from family, even though one whole side picks names. Would love some ideas.

Keep your chin up and thank the stars for all of our good health and happiness.

[Serena]

We're Jewish, but my husband converted, so his extended family is Catholic - we haven't dealt with Santa yet (Noah is only 19 months) but we'll do what my parents did - told us that our Christian friends believed in Santa and we weren't to spoil it for them, but that just like us all their presents really came from friends and family. We liked being in on the grown-up "secret", and my little sister really just thought it was silly that her friends really believed in Santa.

[christa]

Being a recent transplant to the bay area from Oregon, I can't get the Kim story out of my mind. It makes it really hard to feel festive (or, on the other hand, be grumpy about the holidays and complain about all the familial obligations of the season) when you know that such a horrible thing has happened.

[Charisse]

I'm in San Francisco, and we're techies. We don't know the Kims, but it's only one degree of separation. The community here is really in shock. I can't stop imagining watching my husband walk into the snow, with two little girls in my arms and nothing to feed them with but my body...and probably little hope that I would see my husband again. I can't fathom the strength Kati Kim (and James too) must have had to muster (the scenario of leaving behind your wife and children in a cold car in desperation makes me cry too). To boot, my sister just came through a really scary spinal surgery yesterday and it looks like she's going to be fine. My emotions are all over the place, but they include a lot of gratitude for Mouse and Mr. C.

I tried to go shopping today but it was hard I think cooking would suit me better but I've barely had time this week. I think Santa Claus is fun (we're 3/4 atheist & 1/4 not-very-religious jewish but we think of it pretty mush as Hedra does)...just feeling like Mouse at 2 1/2 is a little young for the hardcore naughty vs. nice stuff. There's a picture in my family album of me at age 3, refusing to get out of bed on xmas morning because I was afraid that Santa hadn't come. My parents think its hilarious, but I remember being really frightened and upset. There was a lot of "if you do that, Santa's not going to bring you anything!!" in my house. And yet, I'm totally not one for bowdlerizing fairy tales...I don't know, I'm rambling...anyway, Moxie, thanks for this and how about adding airplane travel and the holiday sweets extravaganza to the roundup?

[wingnutamy]

Yeah, the Kim tragedy has hit me really hard and I can't quite explain why. I've sent a donation, I have cried, cried, cried for her loss, and I was so worried about James. I think it's because he died so tragically alone, and that his family was rescued without him. That everything was stacked against him and he went so far, superhumanly, almost, but not quite, making it out safe. That kills me. It isn't fair. That truly, truly, is not fair.

I watched the memorial video and cannot stand it anymore. The man was brilliant, gentle, and obviously in love. Such a soul! Why him??? Of all the people in the world do die in that moment, why HIM?

I know they did everything they could to survive, and they were amazing. I know he sacrificed himself for his family and probably died thinking they were freezing too, how horrifying for your last thought! That alone deserves a moment of silence, the suffering he must have felt! I am not a strong believer in the afterlife, but hope his spirit lingered long enough to glimpse their rescue, just for the sake of peace. Poor Kati! I can't even fathom the depth of her pain, and from what I've read/heard, she perseveres. I hope she triumphs through her pain, and her story stands the test of time. Theirs is the stuff of myth, that's why it scared us and hurt us so much. What heroes, what strength, all. Legends were written of lesser men. I'd saint him if I could.

[Kim-Anh]

I feel better just knowing there are other people out there just as distraught as I am over this story. I have forced myself to not read any of the news coverage for the last two days to try and just get through the day without being so incredibly sad and disturbed. Moxie, thank you for just mentioning it, because I feel better knowing I am not being overly emotional about the whole thing.

[Stacie]

My mother used to put the tree in a play pen.

[Stacie]

To add: that sounds really calous after everyones heartfelt comments about the Kims, but I have nothing I can say about that that someone else hasn't already said far more eloquently.

So...I got a tree tip.

[Meggan]

I'm not a parent, but I'm in Oregon and reading about the Kim family makes me cry, too. I can't get over how scared they all must have been, and how Kati breastfed the kids to keep them alive. I just think about that and my throat gets tight. It's just so heartbreaking.

-----
On the Santa note, I grew up believing in Santa and then gradually stopped. Even after I knew it was just my parents, I liked the idea of Santa so much that I always thwarted my brother's attempts to "catch" Santa in the act (tape recorders, video cameras, etc.) and my parents still do the stocking thing and give us gifts from Santa. We all know we don't believe, but we pretend like we do because the tradition is fun.

[pnuts mama]

i'm stuck too. my husband begged me this afternoon to stop thinking about the kim's and their incomprehensible ordeal- like phc i need to get away from the computer/tv and focus on our own little family. like so many others their tragedy is haunting me, and prayers for them have been frequent and fervent. may james kim's family find some gentleness in these unimaginable days and the peace to find the way to heal.

[Linda]

I wrote about Christmas issues here:

http://indigogirl.typepad.com/linda/2006/11/dechristmasing_.html

Re: the Kims. It is a horrible, horrible tragedy. Sometimes I think about situations like that and what my decision would be, how I would protect my kids, how I would want my husband to prioritize my kids above me (if he could choose to save someone), how it would be so much more difficult to watch my kids suffer than to suffer myself . . . gah. I have to stop thinking about it. Horrible.

[Meira]

I can't stop thinking about him either -- and obsessively searching for more info. Thinking about him alone and worried about his family . . .

[keda]

We have a Christmas 'tree' on our buffet to keep it away from little fingers (although it always goes there, and the baby isn't really mobile yet) but growing up we put the tree (and presents!) in the playpen like someone suggested earlier.

I'd love to hear ideas on negotiating Christmas food. It's not so much of a problem yet but I don't want people offering my kid sugary things - sure, sweet things at Christmas are ok in moderation but if he's a kid who reacts strongly to eating too much sugar I don't know what I'm going to do! I never offer other people's kids food without asking the parent first, but I know people who do.....

[hedra]

I talked with my brother about the Kims over the weekend. By then more details were coming in, and it highlighted the tragedy more clearly for us both. James was everyman, he was a man we could all love. He did what our husbands would have done, even if that was based in the judgement of desperation. He survived far longer than it would have been sane to expect, and still did not make it. It would have been easier, my brother implied, if he had died quickly, less tragic if he had not *almost* made it, more distant if he had not made the choices from what was clearly a powerful love and selfless courage. The fact that even in the mistakes he made, he showed principle, toughness, dedication, and intelligence, that makes it the harder to swallow. That his wife was equally brave, creative, dedicated, and resourceful makes it impossible to trim the story into a shape that is easier to accept. We have no choice but to take the whole tragedy on, as-is, full measure. And it is a Tragedy, not just 'something bad that happened'.

I still find myself turning back to welcoming what is, embracing the pain of his loss because it means also embracing the love he so clearly gave and so clearly deserved. For me, that's the only way out of being stuck.