Holiday Gauntlet Reader Call: Fighting Christmas envy

Rachael writes in with a question that makes me feel kind of sad:

"How do you deal with your kids interest/sadness/inclusion/exclusion at other religious celebrations?  I’m sure this is less of an issue for people who celebrate Christmas, but may still come up.  We’re Jewish, and my 3 year old is very frustrated that we won’t decorate our house with Santas/lights (we live in a neighborhood with lots of decorations going on).  We’re decorating inside with Hanukkah decorations, but it’s not the same.  I’m having a hard time with the “We do Hanukkah” line because, when you add it all up, Hanukkah kind of sucks in comparison to Christmas.  Any thoughts?"

This makes me feel pretty crappy for you guys.

If the issue is outside lights, would it be completely inappropriate to put up lights? You could get a strand of white and a strand of blue. Or white icicle lights with blue ones roped around it. It's not traditional for Hanukkah, but Christians put up all sorts of blatantly ridiculous things for Christmas, so why shouldn't Jewish people go all crazy-American-holiday-fiesta, too?

And, of course, there's the eight days of presents of Hanukkah vs. only one day of presents of Christmas.

I think some non-Christian readers are going to have to give you some help here. I know lots of you must have ways you've developed to deal with the huge looming spectre of Christmas. Can you help Rachael out?

Comments

[Carla]

I have Jewish Clients and they decorate the outside of the house with blue and white lights. I think it is great.

If you think about it putting up lights for Hanukkah makes more sense than Christians putting up lights for Christmas (what do lights have to do with the birth of Christ?). Most of the traditions that Christians use for Christmas have more to do with copying pagan rituals around that time than they do of celebrating the birth of Christ.

I guess I would just say try to make your own traditions as fun as possible

[meghan]

There are lots of secular 'winter' decorations out there, not just blue/white lights. I covet most of the ones at Target, like the big snowflake made out of grapevines. I always imagine that we'll make pinecone birdseed ornaments for the tree in our yard when Cole is old enough to have some Christmas-envy.

[swampy]

I would try to make sure you do something extra fun on Christmas day itself and, if you can swing it, the 1-2 days leading up to it as well.

That was always the worst for me, growing up Jewish in a non-Jewish town. Hanukkah was usually over and there was absolutely nothing to do from Dec 23-25 that didn't involve Christmas. Nothing was open, everyone was away -- even Jewish friends would be off celebrating with Christian relatives.

So start figuring out now on what you can do, what will be open, who will be around. Nothing worse that being stuck home in the only dark house on the street.

[hedra]

I'm UU/Quaker-agnostic-Pagan-ish, married to a Quaker. Pagans can really play with 'Christmas', but Quakers are technically not supposed to celebrate ANY of this stuff 'just once a year' (Christmas should be celebrated every day). But we do it anyway. I also pay attention to what our Jewish relatives and friends do, so I can not step on toes.

So, things I've picked up:

Decorate either 'winter-festival-ish' or distinctly Channukah-ish (blue/white lights). Just because it is pretty.

Pick the most pagan of the practices/decor and use those, because they're not really 'true' to EITHER religion. Universalize that practice (all over the world, in climates where the winter gets cold and the sun 'goes away', people decorate with things that remind them that spring and summer will come again, that the world has not died but gone to sleep).

Bring Jewish festival food to group gatherings that are more 'Christmas-oriented'. Don't know anyone who doesn't like apple-cake. ;)

Really ramp up the celebration of Sukkot next year, and invite friends/family/other kids for that. It seems to me to be comparable to the 'joyfulness' aspect of Christmas festivities, and may therefore alleviate some of the 'we see their festival of joy all over the place, they don't see ours' awareness. Sometimes it is okay to envy what the other kids do, if you have something they can envy back. (We have some friends who do Sukkot up big each year, open house, lots of food, good way to introduce the differences in history/ethnicity and religion to friends and their kids. Your kids can explain the festival to the others, which gives them a BIG role.) Won't help so much right now, but may help later.

At three, it is just hard to explain, though. And the ubiquitous nature of the advertising and decorating makes it that much harder. :(

[girlfiend]

I'm Jewish and my husband's Catholic so we compromise. The outside of our house, in a very over-the-top neighborhood where people put inflatable nativity scenes on their roofs when they run out of space on the lawn, is decorated in white lights. I've been looking for a normal sized lighted menorah (I can only find a 7 foot tall version) for an outdoor decoration. We save the blue and white lights for our Hanukkah tree inside which is topped with a silver Star of David.

But if my husband was Jewish too? I'd still like the lights outside. They're pretty, and compared to the inflatable Santa on a Harley decorations they're tasteful and festive.

[Sarah]

Do you happen to live near a Jewish Community Center? We're culturally Catholic (church almost never, but we haven't joined any other religion, so I guess we're still there.) and we belong to the local JCC (awesome pool. great kids classes. No discussions of Jesus--esp. good for my atheist husband). We're actually celebrating Hanukkah as well this year, as the allure is that high for my 5yo daughter (and me, I'll confess.)

That is entirely too long of an intro to say that our JCC has some cool things to do on Christmas day and they make the Jewish holidays fun and kid-friendly.

[Asha]

I'm a Jewish Christmas-lover who grew up in a 99.9% Christian town with 99.9% Christian friends and no religious upbringing. I love the festivity of Christmas, but want my kids to be clear that they are, indeed, Jewish. So, we celebrate Hanukkah, but we also enjoy the spirit of the Christmas season. I think of it like this: if I lived in a different country where they celebrated different religious holidays, we would enjoy them without taking their spiritual significance to heart. That's what we're doing here.

We decorate our living room with white lights (Hanukkah is the Festival of Lights after all), I have a little snowflake ornament collection which I hang around the room from the picture moulding, and we invite Santa to drop by on Christmas eve (the stockings are blue and white). No green and red, no talk of Jesus, just a time to enjoy lights and sparkles and a bit of magic. My parents in-law aren't thrilled, but my kids seem very clear on who they are, and we have a lot of fun.

Not necessarily the traditional Jewish take on Christmas, but it works for us.

[Fahmi]

As Muslims, we've been discussing this a lot this month. We have two major holidays each year, and we try to make it as big a deal as we can. Since it's a lunar calendar (uncorrected), the holidays move around the year. While this year and next, one of the holidays will be in December. The year after and for the next 30 years, it won't be (it will be in August come 2023). The baby is too young to know what's going on this year or the next, but when he is three...I am already wondering how we can help him deal with the fact that we don't do _anything_ in December. At least the Jewish kids have an alternative in Hannukah. My son won't even have that.

[Melinna]

In our Jewish family, we decorate our house with whatever Jewish Hanukkah decorations I can put my hands on. I'm content not to have lights on my house; I like being different, I like sharing my difference with others who are inquisitive. I don't like the assumption that I should fit in with the rest of the neighborhood just because...When I accepted an invitation to come to someone's house right before Christmas, I explained that I wanted to show my daughter what other people's houses are like during the holidays. The woman replied that she thought it was great that I wasn't giving in to the Christmas decorations for my own house. This never even crossed my mind. However, that's really what Hanukkah is about: standing up for what you believe and not letting the ruler (or majority) dictate your beliefs. As has been said about Jewish holidays, "they tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat."

[Deirdre]

http://tinyurl.com/yzaaqn

Giant. Inflatable. Menorah.

Booyah.

[Sarah]

I am not sure I have anything really new to add but wanted to lend my support. My two and a half year old daughter is asking about Santa this year (the guy is everywhere) and we are Jewish. She isn't too aware of the decorations on houses I think because our street is pretty dull in that way. But, we are putting up some Chanukah decorations, and singing songs and making latkes and we went to our JCC's Chanukah festival so I hope she will see that there is plenty for her to do this time of year, too.

I think decorating with blue and white lights is a great idea! But, in the long run there is not much Chanukah can (or should) do to compete with Christmas. Someone mentioned Sukkot which is a holiday that kids like but don't forget to play up Purim; I mean, sweets and costumes and the excuse to be noisy? That was my favorite holiday growing up.

I wish I had something creative to say to Fahmi: when there is no alternative that is even tougher...As parents practicing minority religions we are faced with challenges. What is so funny to me is the talk the past few years about the "war on Christmas!"

[Liz]

We are Russian Jews who immigrated here in the '70s. My mother has always loved to decorate the house for Christmas, except she insisted it was for the New Year (I guess that's what you celebrate when you live in an atheist state).

When you think about it, Santa and trees and twinkle lights have about as much to do with the birth of Christ as they do with Hanukkah, which is to say, nothing at all. So I decorate the house inside and out because I like it, but we still light the menorah each night and have a big formal Hanukkah dinner with the entire family.

I guess it's about what you want and what you're comfortable with. If you want to decorate for your daughter, have at it.

[Chaya]

It's tough around Christmas, Rachael. When I was growing up in a very non-Jewish area, my mom always made sure to plan something really fun for us on Christmas, like skiing, or a movie double-header, etc. That gave me something to look forward to, even if it wasn't a big family meal and a pile of presents. I also felt very special having my own menorah, singing Hanukah songs, reading stories (I still love the book Animated Dreidel; it has great pictures) and eating latkes (the best food every, really). I did get one small present every day of Hanukah, and that was a highlight for me. And I agree with Hedra: make a big deal about Sukkot, (which is definitely more equivalent to Christmas than Hanukah) or maybe Purim. I know I felt less envious of Christmas when I knew I had fun holidays year-round.

I was told (by my Conservative rabbi) that we could enjoy the Christmas stuff, the food and music and decorations, because all that is much more cultural than religious, and besides, it's really lovely. If you can present it as a cultural holiday, sort of like Thanksgiving, maybe you can enjoy some of social aspects of it in public and your son won't be so bummed about the decorations.

I hope this helps, and good luck!

[bec 36]

This is an issue for us this year, too. My son, who is about 3.8 or so, goes to full-time day care. They are paying a good deal of attention to Hanukkah, but there is a huge tree in the middle of the lobby (with ornaments the kids decorated), and he's getting to be pretty big on Santa Claus.

I love all the ideas above like going to the JCC or doing something else really fun on Dec. 25. As far as decorations--what I really like about Christmas decorations is that I can enjoy them, but I don't have to put them up or take them down. Why don't you take your child around in the car looking at the different lights--if there is a really wealthy neighborhood nearby there may be a house or two with over-the-top displays. By us there are two different parks that have holiday light displays; at one you pay per car and drive through, at the other you get out and walk through. Perhaps also you have a friend or neighbor with kids that can have you over and the kids can decorate a tree together. That way no one misses out on any fun, it's just not taking place in your house.

Anyway, happy Hanukkah!

bec :D

[lynn]

So far we've been lucky. My 5yo son is happy with the "we have 8 days of presents, they only have 1" mentality.

I second the ramping up the other holidays. If you can point out the dressing up and carnival aspect of Purim, the cool sukkah for Sukkot, the afikomen gifts at Passover, the shofar blowing at Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur... it's easier to point at what we have that's special.

As a kid, though, I was all there with the Christmas envy. When I was little, I had a neighbor friend who's mom hung up a stocking for me at Christmas, and made a basket for me at Easter, so I got my share of the holiday loot. Which really, is what it was all about for me.

One more point - I've noticed lately a ramping up and overboard on Halloween decorations. Is that something you do? If it's about decorating, I've seen some people go wild outside and inside their house, and Halloween tends to be a secular, equal opportunity holiday around here.

[beth]

Oh, I am sad that Moxie and Rachael are even comparing Chanukah to Christmas. Rachael, I am so sorry that you and your child are feeling frustrated and excluded, but, Moxie, there's no reason to feel "crappy" for us, as if we are pitifully lacking!

Rachael, I will try to share some ideas that I hope will help. Without knowing the context of your Jewish observance, I might be off a bit in my advice. Please forgive me for this.

If you keep in mind that Chanukah "sucks" when compared to Christmas, your child will probably sense your opinion. Not everything in Judaism needs to be compared or contrasted with something in Christianity.

Explain to your child that Christmas is one of the most important holidays for Christians. They make a big deal out of it because it is basically one of the two most important holidays for them. Chanukah is not as big a deal, and not everyone has holidays at the same time.

Our important holidays are Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and the pilgrimage festivals of Sukkot, Pesach, and Shavuot. See how many we have!

And don't forget Shabbat. We get to light candles every week!

Tell how Chanukah commemorates a time when we fought back oppressors for the right to be Jewish and against observing non-Jewish practices. This is a time for us to celebrate being able to be Jewish (and not having to assimilate!).

Talk about how we fill the house with light from the inside radiating out. Lights are nice decorations for Christmas, and we can appreciate their beauty; kindling lights, however, is essential to the observance of Chanukah. We kindle the lights directly, not with the flick of a switch or an automated timer, in order to usher in each new night of the holiday. We light the chanukiah, the Chanukah menorah, near a window so that the lights may be seen from outside.

Sing the brachot, the prayers, and the subsequent songs each night when you kindle the lights. Children tend to remember the tunes from year to year, so next year, when you begin to practice the tunes, your child will recall the tunes as familiar and associate good memories.

Just over a month after Chanukah ends comes Tu B'Shevat, the new year of the trees. This is when we celebrate trees on the Jewish calendar, when their sap first begins to run in preparation for spring. That is something fun to anticipate.

Then you can continue with the rest of the Jewish cycle of holidays, and when Chanukah comes around again, you'll have all sorts of observances to recount.

After Chanukah ends, make a large wall calendar together for 2007. Use words and pictures to mark all the Jewish holidays that will come over the course of the secular year, conveniently ending once again with Chanukah. Also mark the Jewish months, American secular holidays (or secular holidays of your nation), seasons, birthdays, and the like. Your child will see how much there will be to enjoy during the course of a year.

There are many wonderful Chanukah stories available for all ages. Go to Jewish bookstore or synagogue library and browse! For a nice book that has a Chanukah story as well as stories for throughout the Jewish year, I suggest the original K'tonton book by Sadie Rose Weilerstein. The first All of a Kind Family book by Sydney Taylor is partially structured around holidays and might be good when your child is a year older. Telling stories while enjoying the Chanukah lights is cozy and fun.

A nice present to receive on the eighth night might be a copy of the movie An American Tale, a lovely animated film to enjoy over the weekend as Chanukah wanes and others celebrate Christmas.

Have your child be involved in as many preparations and activities as possible.

Your child can pick out which color candles to use in the chanukiah, the Chanukah menorah, each night.

If you make potato latkes, your child can help squeeze the water out of the potatoes after you shred them and can help mix all the ingredients together.

If you make different varieties of latkes (or of sufganiot, doughnuts!), your child can choose which variety to have on a particular night.

Play dreidel! Even if your child's motor skills are not yet adept enough to spin a dreidel, delight can be had in watching the dreidel be spun and in playing the game.

Have one or two of your child's non-Jewish friends over Sunday night. By the third night, your child will be experienced enough to be able to help you teach the young friends about Chanukah and will get to enjoy sharing our holiday a week before being inundated by reports from others of Christmas celebrations. If your child is subsequently invited to similarly celebrate Christmas with others, your child will have a model for observing a holiday celebration of a holiday that is not one's own, and doing so will feel immediately reciprocal.

Synagogues and Jewish community organizations often hold silly activities for Christmas day. Or you can all have quiet time at home with the calendar project, the video viewings, and any other number of projects. Perhaps you can invite Jewish and other non-Christian friends over for a casual meal; an extra bonus if you know people who are both non-Jewish and non-Christian is that spending time with them will help your child learn that it isn't two-party religious system. And there's always going to the movies and getting Chinese food.

If your child remains wanting more decorations, note that our Jewish celebrations focus much more on what we do, and that our activities are what fill our homes and our senses. Have your child imagine an invited friend spotting the lights of the chanukiah, peeking in and observing you all singing and telling stories and eating latkes and playing dreidel, and being excited to come in and join you.

You can put up a mezuzah if you don't already have one. Chanukah means dedication; the Temple was purified and rededicated after it had been defiled by our enemies, and today when we set up our homes and place mezuzot on the doorposts, this is a chanukat habayit, a dedication of the home.

The mezuzah is a decidedly Jewish symbol. We place mezuzot on our doorposts to identify our homes as Jewish homes, just as the Israelites identified homes in Egypt, as we are told in the story of Pesach, of Passover. You can encourage your child to think of decorations for Chanukah that would not be mistaken for Christian or Pagan decorations, that would be decidedly Jewish. Perhaps break out the Play-Doh and suggest a centerpiece if your child wants to create something but is at a loss for ideas.

If you plan to build a sukkah for Sukkot in the fall, you can look forward to building it and decorating it with greens and fruits. Streamers are fun and appropriate for Purim, the jolliest of all Jewish holidays and only an additional month after Tu B'Shevat.

So often, snowflakes are associated with Christmas, when of course they are a symbol of winter and not of any particular holiday. If you haven't yet made paper snowflakes and you live in an area where it does snow and where it has not yet snowed this season, save making paper snowflakes for the first snowfall.

Chanukah, however, is in part about early nightfall. While the days are long in the southern hemisphere right now, even in Israel where it rarely snows the night falls early. In fact, tonight (Wednesday night, 12 December 2006) is the earliest sunset of the year; if you are in the northern hemisphere, this is a great opportunity to go outside with your child and watch the early sunset and chat about darkness and the light Chanukah will soon bring.

I hope this is of help to you, Rachael. I'll be back to check whether you or anyone else posts any questions in response.

Thanks Moxie for posting this question.

[Rach]

Thanks, to everyone, for their wonderful and varied ideas. Don't worry, Beth - I am not trying to "up" Hanukkah to compare with Christmas. I think what's hard for me is seeing the world (the town, really, where we live) which is so Christmas-centric. I agree that having wonderful holiday traditions all year long is the way to go. It's just hard when he is so little and it's all so confusing to him. I actually love Hanukkah and don't think it "sucks," but I distinctly remember being old enough to begin to compare what was going on in the world for Hanukkah vs. Christmas and feeling a little... I don't know, slighted? It's amazing to me how many people will ask young chilren if they are excited to have Santa come visit or to hang a stocking, without even thinking that maybe that isn't part of the child's tradition.

Anyway, thanks to everyone!

[Moxie]

Beth, I feel crappy for Rachael because the dominant culture in the US is making her son feel like there's something lacking from their lives, not because *I* think there's anything lacking from their lives.

And I'm very well aware that there's no comparison between Christmas and Hanukkah. In the Santa post from Monday I noted that Hanukkah has undergone a transformation in my lifetime into a more prominent holiday than it is important. I think this is directly in an effort to compete with Christmas. But whether or not any given person wants to compare Hanukkah and Christmas, because they happen close together on the calendar, they get compared.

[bec 36]

I hear you Moxie--people really seem to *want* Chanukah to be the Jewish Christmas. I have tried to explain that it is not as important as Christmas in relation to several other Jewish holidays, but I think people don't want to hear it, so I gave up!

bec :D

P.S. BTW, I don't know if I speak for all Jewish people on this one, but I hope I do: we don't mind if you wish us a Merry Christmas. We think it is a nice thing to say and we are not offended, so don't worry!

[liz]

I'm Jewish, but come from a long line of culturally Jewish atheists. So we always celebrated Christmas because of the peace on earth message. We also celebrated hanukah and passover and some of the other celebrations of liberation from oppressors, including making up our own for MLK day and Gandhi's birthday (October 2nd).

What's my point? I guess my point is that there is much in the holidays of all the religions that is worthy to celebrate.

And sometimes it's hard to remember that less than 2% of the US population is Jewish, and nearly 77% is some sort of Christian so it's a natural assumption outside of the major cities that your kid gets a visit from Santa. It kind of makes it hard to feel offended that the assumption is that everyone is Christian when, truly, nearly everyone in the country is Christian.

[Num Num]

There really is no way to protect a child from reacting to being in a minority in some way. It's important, and many of the posters have given great practical suggestions as to how to do this, to make your child really happy to be what he is, and proud of it, so that when he gets older and people challenge him, he'll have the means to counter that. The simplest way is to join an active Jewish community (or Muslim, or Christian, or any group) that supports your celebrations. It's not the lights he wants, it's the feeling of being included.

If you don't want to, or are not able to, then you have to deal with it in the same way you would any difference your child brings to you and asks you to explain.

I also agree with the posters who have pointed out how the original significance of all these holidays in December have been diluted and seem more akin to the custom of bringing in the light to get through the winter. Here's to December 21st, may it pass quickly.

[beth]

I'm so sorry, folks. I somehow messed up in my final editing of my comment before posting it, causing it to be double the already long length it had been with each of the two parts containing some of the final edits. I'm hoping Moxie will let me fix it.

Rachael, I'm more concerned about your child's feelings than about the principle of whether or not you "up" Chanukah. Maybe I wasn't helpful at all. Thanks for the additional contextual information, which has given me more thoughts, but perhaps I shouldn't go into them.

I often feel slighted, too. Yes, when people assume and fail to think, as you describe, and also, for instance, when people assume this is *the* holiday season, that something about the season expresses certain themes for everyone, and I shake my head at that while I wonder where these people are during the Tishrei holidays or the Pesach-through-Shavuot season. That is, I guess, I feel slighted not over Chanukah but rather over proper importance being placed where it respectively belongs.

Thank you for clarifying, Moxie. I should have judged your meaning more righteously. I had wanted to think it was the former, but I couldn't get away with how much it came across to me as the latter. And while I knew that you were aware of the continuing elevation of Chanukah, I felt that you were still comparing, as opposed to speaking to each holiday on its own merits, which is what made me sad.

I apologize for responding in a manner that I realize may have come across as accusatory or perhaps even worse; I honestly was trying only to express my feelings in reaction, not to present my interpretation as fact, but I see that even with all my fiddling of phrasing, I failed. I'm sorry.

As for the two holidays getting compared, of course they do, but it still makes me sad when they do. And there has to be more to it than proximity of timing. Every year, Sukkot falls around Columbus Day, yet I never hear anything about the relationship of the two.

[beth]

Thanks Moxie for fixing the strange doubling of my original comment.

In case the suggestion is helpful to anyone, the one item that got lost in the shuffle was:

If your child attends any type of school or day care and is in the minority, ask whether you can come in and give a presentation about Chanukah to the children.

which was intended to be a one-sentence paragraph after the one that ended with "immediately reciprocal."

I'll go away now.

[Amy]

Wow, I think it's all been said! I grew up in a Jewish neighborhood, lots of folks put up blue and white lights, Menorahs in the windows, that kind of thing.

Here's a thought, why not have a holiday party, decorate with winter or Chanukah theme, invite some of your child's friends, and have a festive afternoon explaining to them what it is all about. I know my own children would love this sort of thing b/c we are very into exploring the differences between people/cultures/religion. After all, Jesus was a Jew and he would have celebrated Jewish holidays. Planning and executing this party each year would give your child something to look forward to in a season dominated by "Christmas" themes.

I will add that the Jewish children with whom I grew up celebrated Chanukah in full-blown Christmas fashion. I was an adult before I learned that it was a minor Jewish holiday. American consumerism strikes again!

[timi]

I agree with a lot of above posters that the best way to not feel bad is to not try to compare to begin with. Hanukah is one thing, Christmas is another. Not parallel holidays.

Growing up (in an observant Jewish household) I remember being slightly annoyed at how Christmas became all encompassing, but there were things that we enjoyed like driving around and seeing the lights, general wintery atmosphere. But there were so many other holidays the rest of the year that I didn't feel so bad.

Hanukah fun stuff to do: We had this felt wall hanging with velcro candles and flames (v good for little kids) and every night we got to add a candle (I think you can get in in the source for everything Jewish).

The Animated Dreidle! Love that book (though the animated hagadah takes the cake), If I remember correctly there are 8 chapters so you can read one each night.

Movie: The festival of lights, I loved loved loved this movie. It's animated with no words (it has the dancing hebrew letter flames), I think I watched it late into my teens, but good for kiddies as well. Really what Hanukah is about.

Good luck. I'm sure it's hard explaining all of this to a little kiddie. Chag Sameach.

[hedra]

One last point that I think is true to Moxie's general approach to life:

How about just validating the child's feelings?

Sometimes, life is going to be challenging. Things will be, or seem, unfair. That's not something that we need to necessarily protect our kids from, so much as teach them how to handle, integrate into their lives, and deal with gracefully.

At three, that's definitely possible. I've done it at 15 months old. Here's how we do this in our house:

1) Name the feeling. "You seem envious of their holiday. It doesn't seem fair, and you wish you had some of the cool things you see, too."

2) Approve/accept the feeling. "I understand why you feel that way." (DO NOT follow this with 'BUT'.)

3) Explain/demonstrate/Give an example of what we do when we feel that way. "When I feel envious, I think to myself, MAN, I'd like to have that, too! I may even stomp a little, because I'm a little angry about it. Then we take a deep breath, give ourselves a little hug, and let it go."

4) Give an example of when I feel that way, so they know that I feel this way sometimes. "I felt really envious when my friend bought that nice new car. I wanted one, too! And I couldn't HAVE one! It didn't feel fair. So I gave myself a little hug inside my head, and let it go. Then I could enjoy driving around with her in that car, without feeling so bad."

The point is that we all get these feelings. We're not going to avoid them. We just know what to DO with them, as we get older. Usually, LOL!

I try to avoid pointing out what they should feel 'instead' (like 'you should be proud of your heritage'), because that just gives them guilt they didn't have to start with. Instead, just illustrate how YOU carry on, what YOU do, and focus on validating how they feel, understanding, and giving them tools to process the feelings. The feelings don't need fixing, they need understanding and love.

The envy will go away on its own, as you handle the rest of the bigger picture in response. Just adding in the rest of the ideas as you go will provide the base your child needs so that the feeling doesn't even arise as much anymore. It isn't suppressed or medicated out by competition, it is just not necessary anymore.

Hope that helped some, too! Great discussion all around. :)

[Serena]

Just to followup on Beth's last comment - when I was a kid my mom always came in to my elementary school classroom to make latkes for the holiday party - there were only a few Jewish kids in the class and it was fun for me to have my (working) mom take the time to come in and teach everyone about our holidays.

Great discussion - thanks for the post!

[liz]

When it is someone else's birthday, we enjoy their decorations and wish them the best. It isn't our birthday, but we share in celebrating the people that we care about.

This is the analogy I use to help my daughter understand holidays that we don't observe in the same way her friends might.

[O]

Quick note from a Catholic family:
We have good friends who are Jewish, and the mother grew up in an almost entirely Christian area in a culturally-if-that Jewish family. She loves the Christmas season, and since her husband is more observant than she is and frowns upon Christmas decor in their home, asked if we would mind if she and her family came over to decorate our tree with us. It has been a fantastic tradition; we get pizza, the kids put on the ornaments, and if we time it right, we light the menorah with the pizza and everybody wins.
So many lovely ideas here. I hope all have a wonderful winter fest, whatever it may look like.

[Julia]

I really like the birthday analogy- I've never looked at it like that. My family celebrates both Hanukkah and Christmas, so I've never had too much of the Christmas envy.
I have a few suggestions that have worked for families I know (I worked at a Jewish preschool, so Christmas time was interesting). I would encourage making some Hanukkah decorations with your child- You can make simple paper chains, or cut out dreidels and have your child color or decorate them. Also- hang a large paper menorah on the wall then have the kids add a new candle each night (much safer than playing with fire!).
Another idea I had, was to stress giving during this season. Explain that it is important to give to others, not just get presents. If you have a Jewish nursing/retirement home in your area, your family could go visit with the residents there around the 25th. Even non-Jewish nursing homes could be good. Visiting the elderly who don't have families on Christmas would embrace the holiday spirit- you could help these people have a merry Christmas even though you don't celebrate Chrismas.
If you establish some family traditions for Hanukkah and the holiday season in general, your child will have something to look forward to each year and thus focus less on what he is missing out on (because Hanukkah is fun!!!)

[Emma]

How funny you mention this....one of my girl friends just wrote a post about it on her blog. Read it:

http://anordinarymom.wordpress.com/2006/12/15/happy-hanukkah/

Seriously...it's a good read...

[Olivia]

We live in Switzerland where people celebrate Christmas, but really aren't particularly religious. Anyway, we're agnostic. We celebrate it as a lovely pagan festival. We have beautiful lit paper stars up in our windows. We also have some plexiglas stars too. My mum uses candles in their windows. None of these are particular to any specific religion. It looks lovely and cosy though.

They also used them a lot when we lived in Sweden.

Looky here:

http://www.earth-friendly.net/

Look under "starlightz"